Unquotable Quotes - Part 19

The continental United States is getting on my nerves.

- Gordon, proposing to launch an intercontinental project manager seeking missile.

I'm wondering whether to send it a hooker.

- Kahuna, considering a birthday present for Vandoofus.

I’ll bludgeon you with a baguette.

- Kahuna, initiating the Bakery Wars.

A kimbula taken rectally should sort you out.

- Gordon, retaliating in the Bakery Wars.

I did drop her phone in a bowl of mushroom ravioli.

- Vandoofus, pleading guilty to culpable gadgeticide.

The relative particle size and particle density of ravioli will probably not harm a phone.

- Kahuna, providing expert testimony in the mushroom ravioli case.

Its dodgy bits of lace. Not bits of dodgy lace.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, clarifying the use of lace in female undergarments.

You see the Short One online?

- Vandoofus, desperately seeking regulation.

A short while ago.

- Kahuna, reporting a sighting of the Regulator.

Should I quote you today too?

- Vandoofus, proposing to quote Kahuna in the dubious VanQuotes.

I am collaborating with the Short One on a short story about you.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing a strategic alliance with the Regulator.

As a citizen of a banana republic, I'm always open to bribery and corruption. I'm thinking of ditching Vandoofus and writing a short one on my own.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, offering to renege on her memorandum of understanding with Vandoofus.

Compiling. Please stand clear.

- The Compiler, taking a dubious view of code crafted by Vandoofus.

Runtime dangers still persist.

- The Compiler, declining to issue an all clear even after compilation.

The fools! How dare they refuse my custom!

- Kahuna, on learning that a store He intended to visit was closed on Saturday.

This is a short message from your personal stalker.

- The Regulator, offering Kahuna a personalised service.

I didn't know you offered a short message service.

- Kahuna, questioning the Regulator’s latest service offering.

The Hand of Kahuna is now bandaged.

- Kahuna, reporting impromptu surgery carried out on His person by the senior resident canine.

She couldn't find enough momentum if she jumped off Vesuvius.

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, on learning that the Regulator planned to crash a party.

Say something, so that I can quote you.

- Vandoofus, hunting for material for VanQuotes.

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

- Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

- Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

- Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

Around? Around what? The mountain?

- Kahuna, learning that Vandoofus had been “around” and suspecting direct correlation with the nursery rhyme.

In style, yes.

- Gordon to Vandoofus, on being asked if he had landed.

Georgia doesn't seem to have reliable broadband.

- Vandoofus, observing severe oscillation in Gordon’s online presence.

I'm installing a known elephant in Cairo.

- Kahuna, revealing the reason for his presence in Egypt to Darth Teddy.

Can I help in the day to day running of the elephant?

- Darth Teddy, applying for the post of Vice President – Pachyderm Operations.

Should I send you a truckload of tissues?

- Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy would be taking matters into his own hands.

No, rabies was not on my "to get" list.

- Darth Teddy, declining to be bitten by Kahuna.

The Great Sphinx

The Great Sphinx (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The Great Sphinx of Giza, with the Pyramid of Khafre in the background. The Sphinx has the body of a lion attached to the head of a man. The identity of the face is under debate and is believed by some to be the Pharaoh Khaphre or his father Khufu.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/4 and milisecond shutter. This image has been enhanced by Picasa to remove haze. 

The Pyramids of Giza

The Pyramids of Giza (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The pyramids of Khufu, Khafre and Menkaure (Mykerinos in Greek) from the panoramic viewpoint on a hazy April morning. The Pyramid of Khafre appears larger due to its higher elevation.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/8.0 and a shutter speed of 1/640^th of a second. 

The Pyramid of Kaphre

The Pyramid of Kaphre (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The east and north faces of the Pyramid of Kaphre (Chephren in Greek) with an unidentifed camel rider in the foreground.

The pyramid now stands at 446 feet (136 m) tall and still has some of the original polished limestone casing stones intact.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/7.1 and shutter speed of 1/250^th of a second. 

The North Face

The North Face (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- A close up view of the north face of the Great Pyramid, the massive blocks of limestone clearly visible.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/8.0 and an shutter speed of 1/320^th of a second. 

The Great Pyramid

The Great Pyramid (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The north face of the Great Pyramid, the largest structure in the Giza Necropolis, reputedly built over twenty years concluding around 2560 BC. It is believed to be the tomb of the Pharaoh Khufu of the Fourth Dynasty and is also known as the Pyramid of Khufu (Cheops in Greek).

The four sides are aligned to compass points based on true north and is accurate to within a few minutes of arc. The pyramid, currently at 455.21 feet (138.75 m) is the oldest and sole remaining of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Its original height is believed to have been 481 feet (146.5 m). Theft of the capstone or pyramidion and erosion over the centuries are responsible for the reduced height seen today.

The pyramid was built using blocks of limestone, basalt and granite, each weighing an average of 1.5 tons, leading to a total mass of about six million tons. It was originally surfaced with polished white limestone that has since fallen away or been removed to construct other structures around Cairo.

A fascinating aerial view of the pyramids can be seen using Flash Earth, powered by the Google Earth API. The co-ordinates are centered over the Pyramid of Kaphre (Chephren) and the Great Pyramid is towards the top right. It is believed by some that the three Pyramids of Giza are aligned with Alnitak, Alnilam and Mintaka, the stars in the constellation Orion that comprise the belt.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/7.1 and shutter speed of 1/250^th of a second. 

Breaking News: Kahuna Seen Belly Dancing

CAIRO, Egypt (ENN) -- Reports coming from Egypt indicate that Big Kahuna has been seen belly dancing at a public event. Eye-witnesses say Kahuna, who may have been under the influence, danced in front of a large audience convened to discuss the changing demands of Information Systems in the retail sector. Attempts to contact Kahuna only yielded a text message from the same which reportedly read “See, I can do it,” along with a picture that is deemed inappropriate for this forum.

No injuries were reported.

Confounded in Katunayake

KATUNAYAKE, Sri Lanka -- Here we go again. Buffoonery involving airports and airlines appear to be limitless. To avoid the usual lunacy at check-in counters, I decided to check-in online prior to arriving at the airport named for the Scourge of the Nation. To my utter surprise, customs formalities had been streamlined and one could actually breeze in. However, this was more than adequately confounded by a counter labelled Online Check-in.

Two old bats with non-standard travel documents hogged the proceedings for a good ten minutes. While the bats were placated, the offline check-in counters were seen to be processing passengers faster. So much for online check-in. When I finally got to the counter, the clown in session asked me why I stood in line when I had checked-in online. I proceeded to explain that the so-called online check-in queue was held up. It was then revealed that counter was indeed operating in promiscuous mode. The bats were apparently offline bats. The clown then apologized profusely and checked me in all the way to Cairo. No doubt my baggage will arrive in Cape Town.

Leaving batty check-in processes aside, the airport has been done up nicely since the last time I visited. Otaraville is evident ("Welcome to Otaraville, give us all your money.") Clowns at SLT have set up offices as well. Naturally, attempting to connect wirelessly was found to be too irritating, so I’m currently blogging by the grace of Hans[a] and the Holy GPRS.

It’s almost 0100 hours now and another hour and forty-five minutes will need to be spent in a wait state. The required aircraft does not appear to be present unless it has been camouflaged well. An eight-hour layover in Dubai looms. You only realise how big the planet is when you need to get from continent A to continent B. I think I should just drop everything and invent teleportation. At least then we can get rid of the politicians.

Well that’s about it for now. More will be blogged when I feel like it. Well yeah, I'm the only one who blogs. Anyway, who cares? In the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero, O tempora, O mores!

Gordon, Kahuna to Leave Asia

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Another year has dawned with the passage of the sun from the constellation Pisces to Aries and dairy products were forced into a gaseous phase following the traditional lighting of the hearth. These activities were soon followed by a dangerous rise of the triglyceride level in the bloodstream. Further lunacy is expected later tonight in the profoundly dim-witted reversion to the standard time zone of GMT+0530.

In alarming news, Professor Ebenezer Gordon, MP, MTS, PN is expected to depart for the continental United States in a few hours with his Autonomous Wife and Semi-Autonomous Offspring, creating a massive imbalance in global CF. Analysts cautioned that CF in the United States could become extremely unstable given the current incumbency of St Vandoofus, Bartus Maximus and the Monster over and above the Shrub and Duck administration. Experts believed that Kahuna would need to take evasive measures to avoid a wobble being introduced into the axial rotation of the planet.

However, Kahuna issued a statement later today announcing that He would be leaving Asia on Monday to set up offices in Africa. Pundits suspected that Kahuna might be travelling to Africa to install a known elephant in Cairo such that the algorithm would terminate. However, no evidence has been found to independently verify this conjecture and known elephants were not among those scheduled to travel with Kahuna.

In His statement, Kahuna added that the Circus would now be represented on all major continents excluding South America and Antarctica. He added that it was only a matter of time before St Vandoofus would be relocated to the Ross Ice Shelf to keep watch over the hole in the ozone layer. The possibility of Bartus Maximus setting up a stronghold in the Andes was also not ruled out.

Following Kahuna’s announcement, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) warned of unusual weather and geomagnetic activity for the next few weeks until global CF re-balancing is completed.

KNN will continue to monitor this precarious situation.

Good Friends are Hard to Come By

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.

In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nicky or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.

In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.

In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.

In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.

In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick [or Glen] or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go.

At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for university and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

Pass on to those friends of the past, and those of the future... and those you have met along the way...


Crying yet? Oh there's more.

Thank you for being a friend. No matter where we go or who we become, never forget who helped us get there.

There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them.

You know who you are, pass it on to someone who you want to remind.

So send this to all your friends and maybe those who aren't but just watch and see who sends it back.

If you love someone, tell them. Remember, always to say what you mean. Never be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets.

Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all about anyway. Pass this along to your friends. Let it make a difference in your day and theirs.

The difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the regrets may stay around forever.

- Good Friends are Hard to Come By, Anon. From Sentinel's Kyoto Castle.

Kahuna Condemns VanQuotes

BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a statement released to the media today, Kahuna condemned St Vandoofus’s VanQuotes as a cheap publicity stunt and effort at vilification. He added that He was quoted maliciously and completely out of context.

Informed sources said that Vandoofus was already in the doghouse due to the mushroom ravioli incident last week. It is understood that Vandoofus had allegedly dunked his roommate’s mobile phone in the said ravioli, resulting in a premature end to its operational lifetime. Vandoofus had dismissed the incident as having been caused by an unfavorable alignment of the buildings in his street. Industry analysts, however, took a different view suggesting it was most likely the result of butterfingers. Kahuna noted that Vandoofus was quite notorious with electronic equipment and had a long history of gadgeticide.

When asked if He planned to retaliate, Kahuna replied that the impending move of Professor Gordon to the contiguous United States would be punishment enough. However, He threatened to situate Gordon next door if Vandoofus continued to make himself a public nuisance.

The Bane of Gadgets was unavailable for comment.

VanQuotes - Part 1

Idiot.

- Kahuna’s reaction to Vandoofus’s threat to create his own quotable quotes.

Go jerk off.

- Kahuna’s reaction to the above quote.

Not getting much material huh? :-p

- Kahuna’s reaction on been quoted repeatedly.

What.

- Disgruntled Kahuna on being asked “Creative or what?” by Vandoofus regarding Vandoofus’s creativity.

Don't give up your day job.

- A jealous Kahuna commenting on Vandoofus’s creativity.

Good night.

- Unimpressed Kahuna retiring to bed.

$*&@*&^@#%^* - good night idiot.

- Kahuna reacting to the last quote.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 18

This conversation will be useful at your hearing.

- Gordon, collecting evidence against Kahuna on the fly.

A tent under the Great Pyramid might be considered suitable by some.

- Gordon, on being told that Kahuna would be provided suitable accommodation in Egypt.

The burial chamber of said pyramid, by others.

- Kahuna, taking a deadly view of suitable accommodation.

I'll thump you with a stuffed mongoose.

- Gordon, proposing to practice the dark art of percussive taxidermy on Kahuna.

How should I know the loopback address?

- Vandoofus, in his own defense in Vandoofus v Linksys.

Tsk tsk tsk… At this time of the night?

- The Regulator, encountering Kahuna online at 2:00am (GMT+6).

You should be chaperoned by Attila the Hun.

- The Regulator, considering sanctions against Kahuna.

Looks weird. Why would you need so many pixels?

- Vandoofus, evaluating the Hasselblad H2D-39.

Doofi, if you touch this blog template again, I will take the next flight to NY and thump you.

- Sinister message found in the Circus blog template.

Moses is required at this end.

- Kahuna, considering supernatural assistance to deal with His flooded garden after record rainfall.

Bogart?

- Gordon, hearing Huggles had named his automobile “Humphrey.”

Oh god, there goes the neighborhood.

- Vandoofus, learning of the impending arrival of Gordon in the Land of the Free.

Fortunately, the Land of the Free is very big.

- Vandoofus, making the best of a bad situation.

Does anyone know where he’s going to set up his evil stronghold upon arrival? Just so I can designate the area a level-5 biohazard quarantine region and unleash the killer prairie dogs.

- Bartus Maximus, taking proactive measures to deal with an elevated Gordon threat level.

Are you passionate about sulphur springs?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s plan to take a sabbatical among the sulphur springs in Iceland.

It’s one thing I am passionate about.

- Vandoofus, on lunch.

We have imported bananas from South Africa. Used from behind, they can easily fool anyone. It can be used as a shotgun any day.

- The Regulator, proposing the use of imported bananas in lieu of traditional firearms.

Used from behind?

- Kahuna, questioning the use of a banana astern.

Well I can’t hold a banana to his face now, can I?

- The Regulator, defending her rearguard action.

In no time we are going to generate enough energy from rotten bananas to light up the city.

- The Regulator, planning to set up an unconventional power plantain.

What better way to give yellow light?

- The Regulator, on the conservation of chrominance during power generation.

We don't have a minimum height requirement.

- Kahuna, addressing the Regulator’s concerns about joining the Circus.

I'm trying to keep a low profile here.

- The Regulator, stating the obvious.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just leave me alone!

- The Regulator’s corollary to Albert Camus.

I'll have the cream and the whip separately on a plate, please.

- The Regulator, advocating the separation of cream and whip.

Keeping Cool in Minneriya

Keeping Cool in Minneriya (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

MINNERIYA, Sri Lanka -- Elephants cooling off in the Minneriya National Park on a humid November afternoon.

A vanishing moment, in more ways than one, as expressed so eloquently by Cartier-Bresson. Now, only the photographs remain.

Captured on 11^th November 2005 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/4) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/100^th of a second. 

Gordon Caught Red-Handed in Black Magic Ritual

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Damning evidence was uncovered today implicating crackpot inventor Professor Gordon in a devilish plot to take over the planet.

Acting on a tip-off, a KNN team infiltrated Gordon’s porcupine-infested hideout today to discover the arch-pyrotechnologist presiding over a demonic ritual to invoke the hideous powers of darkness. Attired in the traditional garb of a kattadiya^[1], Gordon was seen swaggering around a smoky circle in considerable discord with the beating drums and liberally dispensing the dummala^[2] with the flair of one having had a bad experience with higher explosives.

At considerable risk to life and limb, our team crept in close enough to view the unfolding spectacle, only to learn that Gordon was dabbling in the darkest of the dark arts to invoke that most dreaded and frightful construct: a jāva bhūtha yanthraya (java virtual machine).

The arch-kattadiya was heard beginning the hex with the customary preamble, ohm namo jāva bhūtha yanthram. This was followed by foul incantations describing the required features: vasthu kēndram (object-orientation), bahu nāma-rūpam (polymorphism), kula pravēniganam (class inheritance), abyantara vāranam (encapsulation), anthar mandapam (cross-platform), bahu mādyam (multimedia), klēsha rāshibhūtham (garbage collection), uchchasthara prathirūpam (high-level interface), dhrudānga vimukthi kētham (hardware-independent code) and āvarjanarakshitham (memory-safe). Gordon then closed with ohm namo namo namo^[3], possibly some manner of frame check sequence or checksum.

Although, the ritual continued with increasing debauchery, our team was soon discovered by Gordon’s marauding porcupines and had to make a hasty retreat while invoking St Dogbert, patron saint of technology.

Analysts mused that Gordon might have discovered a means of creating software without actually having to write code. However, Kahuna dismissed the notion saying that Gordon was resorting to an unauthorized thovil^[4] because he couldn’t code to save his rear end. He added that Gordon would certainly not be able to take over the planet using Java, although he might slow it down considerably. The arch-kattadiya was not available for comment.

KNN will provide live updates of this highly explosive story.

^[1] Demon priest.
^[2] A powder that deflagrates rapidly when thrown into a naked flame.
^[3] The original author of this hilarious piece of work is unknown. However, it did inspire Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101).
^[4] Devil dance.