Embrace of the Doofus – The Shocking Inside Story

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Local CF has taken a turn for the worse with the American having installed himself in this time zone. However, in response to recent slanderous blogging by Darth Teddy, it has become necessary to put the record um... straight.

St Vandoofus was indeed pursued and hugged^[1] by Darth Teddy at the Coffee Stop, much to the astonishment of non-clowns present at the time. While it was clearly a case of hug at first sight on the part of Darth Teddy, it was not immediately apparent if the American was a willing participant in the proceedings. However, he did seem less inclined to bolt as the evening progressed with intermittent hugs initiated by the allegedly cuddly one.

It is pertinent to note that Vandoofus was similarly hugged without provocation by a number of clowns including, but not limited to Huggles, Kahuna and the Monster during a rendezvous at the Coffee Stop last year. The holy one evidently did not escape that tryst unscarred, although he did express a wish to be hugged more frequently by Her Royal Highness.

For the meantime, damning developments have been uncovered by KNN. It has transpired that Darth Teddy was in a highly disturbed state at the time of accosting Vandoofus. Sources close to the situation divulged that Darth Teddy had watched Lasse Hallström’s Casanova and Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain (in that order) a few days prior to the incident. It is understood that the Bear was greatly taken up with the antics of Giacomo Casanova before being brought down firmly to earth by those of Ennis Del Mar. The cuddly one was heard making “highly disturbing” and “I’m officially disturbed” comments with reference to the cowboy flick, while also throwing in “shocking” for good measure. Heath Ledger playing the part of both protagonists has apparently done little to help matters as have the seven Oscar nominations. The award by MTV for the best on-screen smooch appears to have been the last straw.

Her Royal Highness would indeed be distressed to note that Darth Teddy has declared her sibling (yum) the Reference Edividual against this sordid backdrop. Nevertheless, it remains to be seen if Professor Gordon—the founder and proponent of the edividual calculus—would veto this choice. Experts were of the view that Gordon would weigh matters carefully before announcing his decision.

In light of recent developments, Darth Teddy’s fascination with multiple male orgasms is also most fascinating. Kahuna declined to elaborate on the topic adding that the Bear should be cautioned in the words of Casanova's Bishop Pucci that, “fornication on a massive scale leads to confusion.”

And on that illuminating note, we conclude this intentionally defamatory posting.

^[1] Zeno's Paradox of Motion (the one implicating Achilles and the tortoise) appears to have been put to the test here. The observations will be tabled at the next meeting of the Board of Buffoons.