Fluke Invited to Join the Circus

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- In extraordinary developments reported from Kahuna's arid desert retreat yesterday, young Fluke Skywalker has been invited to join the Circus.

Kahuna made the announcement late last night after a hastily convened meeting of the Board of Buffoons. It was not immediately clear if any buffoons attended or if Kahuna had resorted to his pluralis majestatis to concoct a quorum.

Graffiti on Darth Teddy's wall had first brought Fluke to the attention of Kahuna, who had concluded that the initiate was quite a clown after a lengthy interview.

It is also understood that Darth Teddy had lobbied heavily for the inclusion, fueling suspicions that the anaconda keeper may be attempting to lure the unsuspecting Fluke to the dark side of the Farce. Kahuna sought to downplay these allegations maintaining that he had a contingent of mongooses on standby to deal with any eventuality.

KNN continues to monitor this situation will sling more mud as this story develops.

The New Toy Protocol

 
Rozzwell (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

 
Sparky (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

 
Sparky (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

 
Waffles (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna's first experiments with his new 50mm portrait lens.

Captured using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) in aperture priority at f/1.8. The first three images were taken using natural light and the last with a 90 degree bounce flash.

The Seal of the Bear

The Seal of the Bear (Copyright © 2007 D Teddy)

KODIAK ARCHIPELAGO, Alaska -- Another exclusive to BNN, we proudly unveil the official seal of Darth Teddy. Be amazed.

—Best viewed in commando mode using a wet punani—

Gordon Eyes Boston; Last Straw, Says Kahuna

Great Seal of the Republic of Boston (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- KNN has reliably learned that citrus specialist Professor Gordon is contemplating an invasion of the Republic of Boston, armed with orange juice.

Although, Gordon's motives were not entirely clear, political analysts pointed out that this was a definite threat to the security of the western hemisphere. Kahuna condemned Gordon's move and accused the arch-technologist of escalating regional tensions. He vowed to defend the republic and warned Gordon that bears armed with drinking straws have already been deployed along the border.

Gordon, who was recently appointed Monster Pro Tem of Georgia given the lack of resident lake monsters in the state, did not immediately return calls seeking comment.

KNN will continue to fuel this deteriorating situation. Stay tuned. 

Me, Myself and Amora

PICCADILLY CIRCUS, London -- Exclusive to BNN we would like to now bring you extracts from the transcript Me, Myself and Amora. This is the latest from the highly acclaimed works by Darth Teddy. Well, let us get straight into it then (no pun intended).

Disclaimer: This text is suitable only for persons above the height limit of 5'3" and strictly for them only. The reason for this being that the transcript is mounted on a pedestal that is 5'2".

"... a beautiful day to wander around in London and stumble upon, by accident, the brand new theme park of amorous nature known as none other than Amora. We are greeted by the entrance by this foxy vixen in a nurse's outfit enticing us to come in and have a poke around, which of course we agreed to with the minimum of coaxing."

"... strolling into the initial sections of the exhibit we note the comprehensive coverage of the erogenous zones on both sexes and how to exploit them like a hustler to a blonde business woman. Intriguing. As we move on we find a wall constructed with Plaster of Paris consisting of the various forms of shlongs and muffs of which the most prominent is an African-American shlong, which is pretty close to being able to be used as a limbo bar."

"... continuing we see a large screen with a selection of preferred sexual position which is very educational indeed. Even the Teddy learned a thing or two... hmmmm... the snake... interesting. This screen was just past the touch and feel areas which left a bit to be desired due to the siliconic nature of the exhibits. Even DT is yet to feel something that firm and rubbery and dry as the Sahara."

"... the same area is infested with screens discussing the angle of approach which is recommended to be 45 degrees as this allows much more freedom of the hands while going oral so to speak. The Teddy swears to provide a review on this after careful experimentation in the name of science."

"... following the chambers we come to the section that might not appeal to all but to some in an interesting fashion. This is the section for the various sexually transmitted diseases and the bondage area (graphic images included). Well as they say, different strokes for different folks."

"... to conclude we come to the sex store which is the parting section of this theme park where we find a selection of toys that you really should not let your 5 year old play with. This includes a ducky, which has an inbuilt vibrator and when turned on impersonates a duck on an electric chair. A girl, also in a skimpy nurse's outfit attempted to sell us a number of these toys which we declined, well at least some of us did. No names will be mentioned in this post by Daffy Duck. With this we went on our merry way to stuff ourselves silly at a rocking little joint in China Town."

These were just a few excerpts from the transcript which is sure to be a instant best seller. For further information please contact us at BNN and we shall try our best to get you an audience with the Bear. Until the next time, quack quack.

License to Prowl

License to Prowl (Copyright © 2007 D Teddy)

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Today we present incontrovertible proof of Darth Teddy frolicking in Piccadilly. It would indeed appear that the Bear had an Amorgasmic experience on Sunday at the premises of Amora.

We're told that the apparent aperture in the ticket is not an orifice as we initially suspected, but a holographic sticker playing dead under the light of the flash.

A full report on the matter is expected shortly. 

The Amorous Adventures of Darth Teddy

LONDON, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, Darth Teddy has been seen frolicking at the Amora, a sex theme park in Piccadilly.

Sources wishing to remain anonymous said that the Bear toured all the erogenous zones of the The Academy of Sex and Relationships, including Love & Desire, the Aphrodisiac Lounge, Sexplorium, Amora Sutra and the highly suggestive Orgasm Tunnel. It is understood that anaconda keeper tested his digital skills in the Sexplorium while also showing a keen interest in the Fantasy & Fetish zone.

Darth Teddy made a statement shortly after the incident and denied he was frolicking. He contended that his visit was a scientific expedition for BNN and added that a full report would be filed in due course. Kahuna scoffed at the Bear's explanation and reiterated that the allegedly cuddly one be restrained for the sake of public safety.

KNN will continue to monitor this highly inflamed situation. Those wishing to learn more should Google for Amora, keeping in mind that the content may not be work-safe.

You've Got to Find What You Love (Video)

STANFORD, California Republic -- This is the video of Steve Jobs's commencement address at Stanford University in 2005, the text of which was blogged here previously.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 13 - Of Lochs and Monsters

The Standard of the Monster (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

DRUMNADROCHIT, Scotland -- Due to compelling reasons, we bring you another edition of the Kahuna-Gordon Messages, immediately after the last.

News breaking from Scotland has disclosed new sightings of the fabled Loch Ness Monster. Naturally, this lead to bickering between the menaces to society:

Kahuna : In other news, Nessie has been sighted.  
         And I thought I brought the monster home 
         during my last visit X-(
Gordon : They should drain that bloody lake and 
         sort out the whole affair once and for 
         all X-(
Kahuna : That's the largest body of freshwater in 
         the UK X-(
Gordon : Bah.
Kahuna : It's quite deep as well.
Gordon : If they can build a tunnel across the 
         channel they can bloody well drain that
         tub X-(
Kahuna : Maybe we should pump the water to the 
         lakes in Georgia that were drained by the 
         Army Corps of Engineers X-(
Gordon : You're losing focus: there were no monster 
         sightings there X-(
Kahuna : I'm well aware of that and the fact that 
         you've assumed duties as Monster Pro Tem.  
         I'm trying to solve your water problem by 
         Sonny Perdue X-(
Gordon : I'll have you dunked in the Ganges if you 
         don't watch it.
Kahuna : And you belong at the bottom of the East 
         River with the concrete boot option X-(
Gordon : Murderer X-(
Kahuna : Tough loch X-(

Kahuna was quick to point out that the only monster he saw at Loch Ness during his last visit was Darth Teddy. However, He conceded that the Bear made a large nuisance of himself at the time, particularly in that quaint restaurant in Inverness with the highly edible waitress named Jill who, unfortunately, happened to have a boyfriend. Kahuna added that He escorted the allegedly cuddly one safely away from the surroundings of the loch.

Darth Teddy was busy nursing his hand after sustaining injuries consistent with suspicious digital manipulation. The Monster Pro Tem of Georgia was not available for comment, having absconded for a tour of the state's reservoir system in which he had expressed intent to wallow.

No plesiosaurs or waitresses were harmed during this production.