The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 16: On Shaky Ground

ATLANTA, Georgia -- Arch-technologist Professor Gordon found himself all shaken up a few months ago thanks to the seismic research conducted by his daughter.

Regular readers will recall previous research established conclusively that hard disk drives do not operate when immersed in orange juice. Attempts to discover the speed of light in a greased optical medium were only narrowly averted. Given this context, we now disclose the buffoonery that took place during a conversation with Kahuna:

Gordon : My daughter has taken refuge under the
         table.
Kahuna : What on earth is she doing under the table?
Gordon : I have no idea.
Kahuna : I suggest you brace yourself for local 
         tectonic activity.
Gordon : Now what?
Kahuna : She might yank a strategic cable or 
         otherwise muck things up.
Gordon : @##%@#$%@#%@#$@#$@#$@ Gaaaaaaaah just as
         you provided that warning, she switched 
         on the massage function on the chair 
         causing great alarm.
Kahuna : [ROTFL] [GUFFAW]
Gordon : [FUME] You're causing remote alarms 
         BTBOTP.

While Gordon's own experiments with such things as pyrotechnics began at an early age, he appears to be in great danger of being outdone by his offspring. Who know what she might do next? Heh heh. On that disturbing note, we sign off for today.

Gordon Eyes Boston; Last Straw, Says Kahuna

Great Seal of the Republic of Boston (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- KNN has reliably learned that citrus specialist Professor Gordon is contemplating an invasion of the Republic of Boston, armed with orange juice.

Although, Gordon's motives were not entirely clear, political analysts pointed out that this was a definite threat to the security of the western hemisphere. Kahuna condemned Gordon's move and accused the arch-technologist of escalating regional tensions. He vowed to defend the republic and warned Gordon that bears armed with drinking straws have already been deployed along the border.

Gordon, who was recently appointed Monster Pro Tem of Georgia given the lack of resident lake monsters in the state, did not immediately return calls seeking comment.

KNN will continue to fuel this deteriorating situation. Stay tuned. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 32

Your face probably scared the mailer daemon.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on why her photograph was not delivered by email.

I have always been intrigued with the correlation between scanning cats and one's own illness.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on Computed Axial Tomography.

Apparently the monkeys have already started putting up banners to welcome you back.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, on a proposed expedition to the Yala.

It is the first time that I've seen a groom with hair longer than the bride's.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's hairdo at his nuptials.

I spilt orange juice on the laptop; it's fried.

— Gordon to Kahuna, declaring sinister deeds with a little help from his offspring.

I suggest you get one of those spill-proof baby bottles for yourself.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for causing a flood.

The keyboard on this thing seems to be made with chewing gum: it requires about 10 kPa to trigger a key.

— Gordon to Kahuna, bellyaching about his replacement laptop.

And the Seagate drive is as noisy as a squirrel on a tin roof.

— Gordon to Kahuna, dismissing the decibel as the preferred unit of measure for hard drive acoustics.

I casually mentioned that I was a university lecturer in IT and she toned it down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, admitting that he threw his considerable weight about to silence a luser.

We speak only Australian.

— Huggles to Kahuna, declaring an Australian-only policy.

Palayang ado.

— Kahuna, resorting to the native language to suggest that Huggles should stick his policy down under.

I have fetishes you wouldn't even dream of.

— Huggles to Kahuna, admitting his penchant for obsessions.

I have to recalibrate the Tomahawk.

— Gordon, on his pressing need for Kahuna's current location.

Application of Vaseline would have severely impacted the diffraction grating.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon's offspring had manifested with a DVD-R and a tub of Vaseline.

Your daughter may be attempting to destroy a second laptop with a well-greased DVD-R.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of weapons of mass diffraction.

She is attempting to override her ACL for objects on the table.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his offspring's efforts to access his tablespace and engineer a second flood.

She didn't take too well to the 403 error and has left.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting the result of revoking tablespace privileges.

She is currently transmitting wail packets on the broadcast address.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting further consequences of his actions.

C9 27 55 2A A7 30 B1 30 89 99 D5 0F 51 0A AA 98.

— Kahuna, laying claim to his own 128-bit integer after the AACS encryption key controversy.

Your emotions are not parsed by this channel; you will switch to approved channels.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for expressing an unsupported emotion [ =)) ] on MSN Messenger.

It seems that lawrencium has no known uses, just like you.

— Kahuna, taking an elementary jab at Vandoofus.

It has a half-life of 216 minutes: just like you, if I get my hands on you.

— Vandoofus, resorting to radioactive decay to deal with Kahuna.

They take being "The World's Local Bank" very seriously; in this part of the world, it appears to be the bullock cart.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on HSBC taking two weeks to deliver a security token.

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I am mucking about with the Seven Cores, the RSX and the Holy SIXAXIS.

— Gordon to Kahuna, swearing by a most unholy trinity.

My august personage shall stand no besmirching by thy vile lies, varlet!

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, redeeming his role as the Bart of San Francisco.

I'm not; this is gross photoshopping by that damned Katussa.

— Bartus Maximus to Gordon, denying that his tongue was seeking intercourse with a nearby ear as suggested by damning evidence obtained by Kahuna.

I shall send you a little effigy of myself that you can pay homage to.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, on diversifying into the ornament and figurine business.

Hello, my name is E. Bunny and I am insatiable.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

A Q minor is a C major with an intercontinental delay.

— Vandoofus, explaining the newly discovered minor scale to Kahuna.

I've always believed in government of Kahuna, by Kahuna for Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Gordon, unveiling His manifesto.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

Gordon Scurries Back in Time to Upstage Kahuna

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Thanks to incessant heckling by Darth Teddy, Professor Ebenezer Gordon has been flushed out of his stronghold in Alpharetta. The arch technologist, who recently had narrow skirmishes with orange juice and tubs of Vaseline, had proclaimed his return by blogging a dimly lit photograph. This is thought to conclusively prove that he was indeed the Creature of Insufficient Light. In UQ27 it was reported that Gordon did not have sufficient brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

Kahuna called a press conference late yesterday and alleged that Gordon had time-traveled to photograph an ancient lamp, thereby claiming creative precedence over His photography. Kahuna further said that Gordon had used his shadily acquired TARDIS, nicknamed the GORDIS (Gordon's Own Relative Dimensions in Space), to commit the reprehensible deed. The GORDIS has not been observed firsthand to this day; however, experts believed that the portly one had used its chameleon circuit to disguise the time machine as a innocuous everyday object. Kahuna pointed out that one need look no further than Gordon's flagship automobile GITT Mk III to discover the camouflaged GORDIS. Calls to Gordon seeking comment were not immediately returned.

Gordon's return has also lead to a dispute between Kahuna and Darth Teddy, with the latter claiming full credit—and payment—for flushing out the volumetric ornithologist. Kahuna has downplayed the Bear's role in the matter and threatened to make payment in latex futures. Sources intimated that Darth Teddy was not amused by these developments.

KNN will provide live coverage of this expanding story.

Gordon Claims Writer's Block, Cites Orange Juice

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news just in, it is with absolute amusement that we report that crackpot inventor Ebenezer Gordon aka Professor Gordon has filed for writer's block with the Supreme Court citing dubious antics with orange juice. For those of you who are clueless, the Professor was one of the inaugural contributors to the Circus with various mediocre posts (compared to what has been published in recent times by more accomplished writers). However, for a period of years, from what has been reported, Gordon has failed to lay finger to keyboard with regard to a new post on this masterpiece of a blog.

In order to provide you reasons for this lack of typing, we at BNN had to conduct a number of interviews with numerous colleagues of the inventor to get an accurate picture:

His offspring recently engineered a spill of OJ on his laptop, frying the hard drive.

The clown has now purchased a travel mug to sip OJ.

She turned up with a DVD-R and a tub of vaseline.

She had come into the room, put some books from the bookshelf on the floor and absconded.

I've warned him that his daughter is taking interest in diffractive optics at an early age; a well greased DVD-R could certainly foul up the optics of his DVD drive.

These are just some of the comments that we received. For security reasons we will leave the interviewees names under covers.

Therefore, based on these findings we find that Gordon does not even come close to having a valid reason for absconding from the Circus and has thus been served with summons by the Supreme Circus to get his act together (no pun intended) and return to blogging duties or as the public aptly put it "is he too chicken to face the competition?"

We will await a response from the crackpot inventor and keep you updated. Until then please avoid partaking in the consumption of orange juice in the presence of Gordon.

Gordon Hosted to Circus

MOUNT LAVINIA, Sri Lanka -- Professor Gordon was hosted to a circus beside the sea on Thursday night at the Golden Mile. Those present at the gathering were Gordon, his Autonomous Wife, the Monster, the Baroness, Huggles, the Menace and Kahuna. Felicitations were received from geographically disjoint clowns including the recently resurrected Bart the Oblivious, St Vandoofus and the Cookie Monster.

Thanks to logistical bungling including but not limited to shopping at the last moment, the corner cashier, consultation with licensed medical practitioners regarding red-eye reduction and the quest for the holy eye drops, the party of the celebrant arrived at the venue prior to the hosts. This was remedied finally, by the arrival of the hosts bearing gifts from Otara of wireless (IEEE 802.11b) hotspot fame.

In accordance with tradition, the holy chemoluminescent red and blue lightsticks were activated and presented to Gordon in the form of a collar to be worn during the proceedings. The portly one was seen glowing around the gills and later around the wrists in a manner reminiscent of Automan, albeit without the color co-ordination.

These were soon followed at appropriate moments during the meal by the rest of the buffoon vestments including the skunk cap, clown shoes and the thong underwear. A long-sleeved shirt was also thrown in for good measure. Shirt measurements, however, were bungled thanks to the Monster. Size, apparently does matter and the Monster is scheduled for a thumping at a later date. If the service layer of the Golden Mile was perturbed by the luminescent Gordon, they hid it well. Even so, the skunk cap did cause some alarm, with a waiter making a hasty retreat. Fortunately, Gordon did not try on the thong during the proceedings, thus avoiding a potential breach of the peace.

The food at the establishment was declared NB overall, despite the pepper sauce accompanying the prawns registering rather high on the Scoville scale. The orange juice, which seemed to have been concocted by running whole oranges through a blender is also best avoided, unless accompanied by a filtration system.

Among the other gifts presented were What to Expect the Toddler Years and rather incongruously, Drive Her Wild: 100 Sex Tips for Men. The Monster expressed undue interest in the former works and was advised to first consult the latter. The books were followed up with a stash of imported chocolate for personal use, which was handed around by Gordon in contravention of accepted restaurant etiquette. However, norms were suspended on the grounds that the chocolates were delicious. The proceedings were declared closed shortly thereafter and appropriate getaways were made using automobiles equipped with internal combustion engines.

Kahuna is currently convalescing after a bout of the 'flu causing conjunctivitis on the 3^rd day. In a break with tradition, days 4 to 6 have been declared days of rest and the possibility of an all-nighter on the 7^th has not been ruled out.