Sunset in Bentota

Sunset in Bentota (Copyright © 2001 E Gordon)

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- The light and shadow of a brilliant sunset in May 2001, captured by Professor Gordon using his trusty Sony DSC-D770. Brought to you from Kahuna's vast photographic archives.

Snakes, Ladders and Luddites

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Matters have taken a decidedly serpentine twist with top tax consultant, P Guruge commenting that the latest budget is one of “Snakes and Ladders.” The Daily Mirror Financial Times of 26^th November reported Guruge as saying

One can see rattlesnakes and cobras in addition to a few very dangerous anacondas. If the Finance Minister cannot deal with them properly or eliminate them, the ladders available may not be sufficient not only for him, but for the entire country to have a safe destination.

The full analysis is due to be published next week. Taking time off from his tour of Brazil to speak to the media, Kahuna offered to supply the minister a personal boa constrictor. Experts warned that this could seriously cramp the minister’s style. Meanwhile, the Finance Ministry is reportedly seeking a herpetologist and a carpenter to join their ranks in an effort at damage control.

In more idiotic developments, the newly re-polarized Bogus Village has taken over advanced technology and enterprise development. There goes enterprise technology. We may as well consult the Luddites on our technology policy. It appears that Senator Clinton got it right when she wrote, It Takes a Village.

Kahuna proposes degaussing Parliament while in session (using a flux density of at least 3000 tesla), until such time Professor Gordon launches all politicians into low Earth orbit.

Kahuna Rejects the Teddybear's Resignation

RIO DE KAHUNA, Brazil -- In response to the Teddybear’s sudden resignation, Kahuna would like to clarify what appears to be a misapprehension on the part of the Bear. Yesterday, Kahuna queried the identity of the person in the image posted by the Bear, as it was completely alien to the blog. The Bear, nevertheless dismissed Kahuna’s concerns and absconded without providing a reasonable answer. Kahuna then decided to issue an apology to the person in question as He is strongly opposed to the use of third party imagery in that manner.

Kahuna wishes to remind the Bear that He neither asked for the removal nor attempted the removal of the post in question. He merely questioned the ethics of using a mug shot of a person completely disjoint from the proceedings of the Circus, superimposed upon the visage of some species of chimpanzee (possibly Pan troglodytes). The Bear is well aware of Kahuna’s views on these matters, and these views do not infringe upon the Bear’s First Amendment rights.

Kahuna would also like to add that at no point did He object to the textual content of the post as He believes firmly in the aforementioned First Amendment, and does not support censorship. Having said that, Kahuna also wishes to state that the use of the image in the sordid context of the Bear’s post could reasonably be held to be highly defamatory of the person portrayed.

Kahuna does not interfere in the right of clowns to blog what they wish. However, He reserves the right to counter-blog His own views when necessary.

The freedom granted by the First Amendment is precious and must be used responsibly. Kahuna rejects the Bear's resignation and urges him to watch Skokie, Dirty Pictures and The People vs. Larry Flynt. He hopes the Bear will return to the Circus.

PS: Kahuna would advise the Bear equip himself with body armor (a Bear necessity) in accordance with his Second Amendment right, as the pot shots may fall where they will.

Resignation

The Teddybear hereby resigns from the blog due to indignation of Kahuna's accusations of unauthorized postings. The Bear had fun while he was here and urges Kahuna not to assume things he knows Balls about. The Bear grunts you farewell and parts with the rasberry salute.

P.S. - The victimized post will be deleted. The Teddybear's previous posts will also be deleted if the authorities wish.

Apologies ...

Kahuna wishes to apologize to whoever is portrayed in the image from the last post for the possible unauthorized use. While we believe firmly in the freedom granted by the First Amendment, we try not to insult or implicate people who don't deserve to be.

Vandoofus Picks up Intel on Kahuna's Latest

Colombo 7, Sri Lanka (ENN) - In a breaking news flash received last month, Vandoofus’s Intel has released a statement saying the agency has picked up increasing chatter relating to Kahuna’s relationship with an unnamed companion. In earlier reports, Kahuna was reported seen in public with a member of the opposite sex believed to be Kahuna’s better half. Vandoofus’s Intel chief has put one and one together and concluded that the unnamed companion is the female better half (female + better half = female better half). After this brilliant piece of intelligence work, Vandoofus’s Intel chief, has been promoted to the post of Senior Chief of Vandoofus Intel, a post recently vacated by Condi Rice to become the worst ever defense secretary in the US history. Kahuna who was available for comments did not specifically deny any of the Intel reports but said "I did not have sex with that woman". The reason for Kahuna strange reaction is still unclear. Meanwhile, Vandoofus has offered a reward of 1 million Turkish Lira to anyone who can upload a photograph of the suspected female better half. (Taxes and other restrictions may apply. The recipient must be 18 years or older and hold a valid drivers license Turkey, Turkmenistan or Kazakhstan.)

ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor

GENEVA, Switzerland -- In a surprise move the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) today re-issued an advisory first released three years ago announcing the SI unit for Clown Factor.

Geneva, May 2001 (AFP) -- The International Organization for Standardization today announced the Kern as the international (SI) unit for measuring Clown Factor. This follows the naming of [NHHOTPTG]^* Kern as the International Reference Clown, following extensive research and observations at its off-shore facilities. The Kern will be abbreviated Kn to avoid confusion with other SI units.

The previous unit of Clown Factor, the Druvi (D) will still be used in countries that follow the Imperial system of units. The following conversion factors are provided for reference:

                  1 Druvi = 10-4 Kern

      conversely, 1 Kern = 10,000 Druvi

All measures were taken where ambient Relative Bogosity was 0.46

This implies that the new Reference Clown (RC) is 10,000 times a bigger clown than the previous RC, Druvi(nda) [NHHOTPTG]. Although shocking, these values are deemed quite accurate, and the ISO provides the following factors which led to these high readings of the Kern.

1. The chances of people around a clown of 1 Kern getting thumped are definitely 10,000 times higher than those around a clown of 1 Druvi.
2. A clown of 1 Kern demonstrates adverse alcohol-seeking qualities, as opposed to a 1-Druvi clown which has never been observed near booze.
3. The chances of being involved in a motor accident are 10,000 times higher with a 1-Kern clown over a 1-Druvi clown at the wheel.
4. A 1-Kern clown exhibits strange sexual attraction to inanimate objects such as furniture, the last encountered 1-Kern clown was seen seeking crevices in a table.
5. A 1-Kern clown exhibits disturbing homophilic behavior.
6. A 1-Kern clown sings 10,000 times worse than a 1-Druvi clown, and since levels were quite bad at 1-Druvi, 1-Kern is unimaginably painful.
7. A 1-Kern clown will emit foul language in an infinite loop. 1-Druvi clowns are not known for foul language.
8. A 1-Kern clown practises racial ambiguity in a most disturbing manner.

It is widely believed that the notorious Professor Gordon may have conducted research on behalf of the ISO in 2001 and indeed authored the original advisory. Gordon was not available for comment on these latest allegations.

^*NHHOTPTG = Name Half-Heartedly Obfuscated to Protect the Guilty

Teddybear Decadent, Gordon Stockpiling, Says Kahuna

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Kahuna denied any involvement in weapons trafficking late Sunday, and accused the Teddybear of holding an orgy to eclipse all orgies, including those held in ancient Rome. He added that the remnants of the WMD (Weapons of Mass Decadence) left behind at the scene of the debauchery clearly illustrated the extent of the sordid goings-on. Investigators suspect that the Teddybear may have been cuddling with his Indian and Italian counterparts during the night in question. However, no evidence of these activities has come to light thus far.

Kahuna also charged that the notorious El Gordo alias Professor Gordon was stockpiling arms and called for a search of the criminal mastermind’s rural lair. He noted that the Shrub Administration was still hunting high and low for the so-called WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) Gordon removed from Iraq.

When contacted, Gordon defended his actions, asserting that the WMD were for his personal use, and therefore, allowed under his proposed Freedom of Destruction Act. Political analysts believe that Gordon may use WMD to fast track his legislation through parliament à la Guy Fawkes.

The Orgibear ... sorry, Teddybear was unable to comment due to the continuing after-effects of the orgy. Huggles, meanwhile is reportedly being pursued by the catering staff of the Bank of Ghana (BOG), allegedly for purposes of consummating some form of civil union. The serial hugger had taken himself into protective custody and was not available for comment.

KNN will continue to provide rib-tickling coverage of these developing events.

News Flash: Missing WMD's Uncovered!

Missing WMD's (Copyright © 2004 Teddybear)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- An accurate report by one Huggles on a gathering of bears has resulted in chaos. Although, it must be noted that Winnie the s**t and Yogi mysteriously disappeared half way through the night and were not seen again for the remainder of the gathering. We are expecting to see lots of little s**ts running around in the very near future. More on that later.

As displayed above, a raid on the Bear's pad revealed the WMD's that were shipped by one Kahuna(big) in bulk. Unfortunately as can be seen the the WMD's had been detonated, 'puked' so to speak ... as opposed to nuked.

The officer in charge of the raid, Inspector Feelmeup Please was heard to say, "It was not a pretty sight, whoever did this had some furball against this international colony of bears." The Teddybear was unable, not unavailable to comment due to effect of the nuke.

A stray puke was last seen speeding after a couple of crazy hairy Indians and a random Italian. More on this in the weeks to come.

And now for the weather by Ms. Hail Storm ...

Sighting: A Gathering of Bears

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- A gathering of a multitude of bears has been reported in and around the Brighton area this evening. It is rumoured that the Teddybear is leading this hairy group and bear watchers have confirmed that celebrities such as Yogi and Winnie the Pooh have also been sighted.

It is unclear at this time the purpose of this great gathering of bears, but analysts suggest a clear connection to the mysterious dissappearence of arms, ammunition and WMDs from various parts of the world.

Although, no one has stepped up to take responsibility Professor Gordon has pointed his finger squarely at Kahuna(big). A few moments ago, in a press release, Kahuna had threatened Vandoofus with the use of the Second Amendment, the right to arm bears. When reached for comment Kahuna was seen participating in the strange ritual of eating his foot and indicated that he should not be disturbed.

We will keep you informed as the situation unfolds.

Vandoofus Contemplates Censorship

RYE BROOK, New York - Supreme Commander of everything and anything, Vandoofus, is said to have been distraught over the length of some of the accounts appearing on the Circus. He criticized some of the long and painful-to-read articles written by certain unnamed individuals. The whole reading experience has brought back unpleasant memories of the Commander’s 4 year tenure at a certain educational establishment in Wellawatte. Vandoofus is said to be considering introducing censorship to control the contributions to the Circus which has so far been largely independent and free of restrictions. But Vandoofus argues, if the contributors are unable to conduct themselves in professional and ethical manner keeping the articles short and simple without the use big words, the Commander has no other choice but to take some very strong and unpleasant actions.

ALERT!! Bogosity Concentration

GREATER, Africa -- Many countries in Africa today have been in a state of emergency following reports that the CFI (Clown Factor Index) of the region has increased exponentially over the past few days. In an unprecedented move of co-operation the African nations have all banded together to investigate this strange phenomenon. Even the warring factions in Ivory Coast have set aside their differences and focused on this new threat.

Kahuna(big) has stated in his address to the free people of the planet, that incidents initiated by the mega corp in Malabe has resulted in this buffoonery. In a bid to balance the CF in the west side of Africa it is reported that a big clown (alias JCR IV), 4^th generation in a family of big clowns and his accomplice (hereafter referred to as the accomplice) have been dispatched to the east side of Africa. Apparently many in the continent have been terrified by an alleged invitation by the accomplice sent across the continent to kiss his er... behind. According to research carried out by Kahuna, these incidents have compounded the CF in the region and is nearing proportions similar to those seen of late in the Bogus States of America.

There have been no new developments on the African/German conspiracy blogged earlier, and analysts remain clueless regarding this matter, although they have welcomed the new developments in the region as a convenient excuse to focus their attention elsewhere.

In other unrelated news it is reported that Kenya has finally bogotified their country beyond all hope by jumping on the technology band wagon after many unsuccessful attempts. They have apparently automated the country's securities depository. It is suspected that the 4^th generation clown and the accomplice may have had a hand in this. Neither of them were available for comment at the time of writing but are suspected of hiding under hotel beds.

Mozilla Foundation Releases Firefox 1.0!

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- The Mozilla Foundation has announced the production release of Firefox 1.0, with advanced popup blocking, fraud prevention, tabbed browsing, live bookmarks, built-in RSS support and hundreds of add-ons. All in a 4.8 MB installation package. Download here.

In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna welcomed the new browser saying it was high time the asses in Redmond were kicked out of Earth orbit. Professor Gordon, a long-time fan of the defective software empire was not available for comment.

Teddybear Catches the Bug

A colorful street scene in Brighton (Copyright © 2004 Teddybear)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In latest developments, the Teddybear has caught the photography bug and is experimenting with his new digital camera. Kahuna has decided to blog this on the Bear's behalf as he would never get around to doing it himself.

Click on the image for a full-size version as the compression used by Hello for the inline image is somewhat lossy.

It is widely believed that more works of Teddybear will be blogged in the future.

Topologists Raise Alarm, Guests Baffled

BEIJING, China -- Topologists have raised concerns about the user-friendliness of the polyhedral container class being constructed by Menace Industries, Inc. It has come to light that a common or garden guest would be completely baffled by the n-sided contraption and require special assistance to locate and unravel the item of confection embedded within. This quest has come to be known as the Tour de Cabbage.

Some experts were also of the view that the component polygons of the container were in fact irregular myriagons or even irregular googolgons. This stunning disclosure has led to several senior clowns—including the Ambassador to Beijing—proposing that some form of prior instruction be afforded to guests. It is envisaged that this would be modeled after the pre-flight safety demonstration of a commercial airliner.

Industry insiders believe that Menace Industries is already in talks with Vandoofus Airlines of Skylark, Connecticut for technical backing.

KNN will provide exceptionally biased coverage of this developing story.

Kahuna Reports a Week of Buffoonery

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Reports from western Africa indicate the formation of a severe spatiotemporal anomaly merging parts of Ghana with Berlin, Germany. Spatial geometricians believe that the soft toy specialist, Huggles is behind the dastardly phenomenon. Space-time around the alleged serial hugger appears to be not merely curved, but bent completely out of shape. It is understood that Huggles intends to move Berlin to Ghana with the aim of acquiring the historic Berlin Bear for his personal use. Informed sources revealed that Huggles is particularly interested in the Berlin Bear’s tongue and speculated that the Teddybear may be next in line for a possible acquisition along similar lines. They added that Huggles intends to become the cuddliest and give the Teddybear a run for his money.

When pressed for a comment, Huggles merely sniggered and grinned, surpassing the Cheshire Cat by several megawatts. In related news, cocoa prices skyrocketed to five-year highs due to increasing levels of bogosity in the nearby Republic of Côte d'Ivoire.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, the Menace (intended Consort of Huggles) has resorted to forced-labor in order to construct complex containers from irregular polygons. It is envisaged that these will hold items of confectionery during a planned ritual in the near future. Throughput—measured in vector polyhedra per fortnight—remains infuriatingly low. Kahuna and others have threatened retaliation and a potential mutiny among the enslaved has not been ruled out.

Detractors have also drawn similarities between the aforementioned container class and a cauliflower (Brassica oleracea botrytis). This was, however, upgraded to a cabbage (Brassica oleracea capitata) after some debate. Previous critics of the cabbage family have included Gaius Julius Caesar, whose blistering culinary invective, “Oh, stuff your brassica oleracea capitata!” was expunged from the Senate record in or around 52 BC [1][2].

Kahuna notes that the hilarious rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica), considered one of the most inherently funny words in the English language, is also a member of the cabbage family. Kumquat anyone? Duck!

Outright Buffoonery (OB) took place at a Circus held on Friday at the Bavarian Barn to commemorate the birthday of Reference Menace and known deviant Timothy. The male guests were subject to the usual untoward attention of the birthday boy and none escaped untouched. Among the gifts was a soft toy of leonine nature, items of apparel and explicit literature entitled Tantra: The Art of Mind Blowing Sex. It must be noted that a volume on the dark arts of Tibetan origin was presented at a similar ceremony last year. While Timothy’s Clown Consort objected to the material on grounds of yet more sleepless nights, Timothy and Buffy both appeared to be enthralled by the text. The situation deteriorated rapidly when the fiend insisted on reading excerpts of the text to those within earshot. A hasty exit from the premises was effected to avoid the inevitable descent towards anarchy. Analysts suspect that the Baroness, along with Kahuna may have played a key role in the selection of gifts. Kahuna, nevertheless, insisted that the Baroness acted alone. The Baroness in turn categorically denied the allegations and threatened to turn Kahuna into a toad.

The Teddybear, who has not been heard from frequently, is recovering from hyperextension and exhaustion due to excessive cuddling. With his cuddliness being questioned in a Circus Poll, the Teddybear has been cuddling extensively to prove himself. While only 25% of voters believed that the Teddybear is cuddly, a phenomenal 58% of those polled wished to have a personal cuddle before deciding. Informed sources reveal that the Teddybear is also eyeing the Japanese market. The Nikkei 225 reacted by closing almost a percentage point lower at the end of trading today. St Vandoofus, a vehement skeptic of the Teddybear cuddliness was not available for comment.

Professor Gordon, who had been lying low during the last week, successfully blocked the Suez Canal late Sunday by sabotaging a Liberian-registered oil tanker. Maintenance crews are struggling to repair the stranded vessel and clear the canal. The master saboteur is now reputedly eyeing the Panama Canal with the intent of holding the global shipping industry to ransom. Gordon’s Global Cooling initiative is also expected to permanently close the Northwest Passage and further limit shipping options, as he ushers in the next Ice Age. Oil prices remained high at the close of markets Monday.

[1] Alea Jacta Est: Gareth Thomas' Asterix Site for Grown-ups
[2] The Asterix Annotations 3.0

Exploits of Literature

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear has allegedly written a short paper on the division of labour and its relationship to the industrial revolution in America. This is hardly a topic to elaborate on as we at BNN don't really understand the contents of the paper and according to reliable sources neither does the Bear who was last seen trying to cuddle the professor concerned to achieve a higher grade.

It has also been reported that there have been suspicious cards that have exchanged hands on one Timothy's birthday that contained various pictures of known sex symbols. Huggles, Teddybear and the Sibling to name a few ... this has been deemed very appropriate. We are trying to get in touch with Huggles for comment. No, not trying to touch ... get in touch.

That’s all from the BNN office and now for the weather report with Mr. Rain Bow ...

Gordon Blocks Suez, Ships Stranded

PORT SAID, Egypt -- In the latest news reaching KNN, international master criminal Professor Gordon has successfully blockaded the Suez Canal, 45 miles south of Port Said. The shipping menace has engineered the breakdown of a Liberian-registered fuel tanker to force a shutdown of the canal.

It is reported that the passage of 40 ships have been blocked, causing chaos in the shipping industry. Gordon's motives are not entirely clear and the full impact of the situation is still being assessed.

This is a developing story and KNN will provide live coverage.

Shattering News: Hitler Liveth?

BERLIN, Ghana -- In shattering news today, a rather unasuming, mild mannered Mr Kent has reported on the daily planet on a plot to spread Nazism to every corner of the world. It has been noted that our very own Kahuna(big) has aided in this investigation by monitoring sensitive events on the web, which spins wide across the world, from his blogopolis (Although this is an illegal activity, due to the severity of the situation, kahuna has been subjected to a nominal punishment of 10 cuddles from Teddy (Kahuna has apparently passed out in pleasure at the time of writing and was unavailable for comment)).

It has been unearthed that certain parts of Africa seem to be missing from the world wide web and have been replaced by networks from Germany. The seductive yet thoroughly professional Ms Lane has been dispatched to uncover the truth and it is rumored that a certain member of the circus is awaiting impatiently for her to get to the bottom of this.

It is unclear at this time who is responsible, but interestingly, investigations have confirmed that Professor Gordon's middle name happens to be Adolf. The Empire has also stated that the increased activity on the Blogopolis may be a distractive ploy and are conducting investigations into the possibility of accomplices among the bloggers.

Citizens are advised to stay on their toes^*. Danger could strike anywhere...anytime... Boston and Brighton are already suspected to be overcome by this large menace.

The Allies are mobilising their armies even as we speak but reports confirm that the Commander in Chief of the Bogus States of America has, surprisingly, already stated an end to major combat.

We shall keep you informed as events unfold.

^*A recent survey has determined that ballet dancers have a life span much longer than others.