Gordon Scurries Back in Time to Upstage Kahuna

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Thanks to incessant heckling by Darth Teddy, Professor Ebenezer Gordon has been flushed out of his stronghold in Alpharetta. The arch technologist, who recently had narrow skirmishes with orange juice and tubs of Vaseline, had proclaimed his return by blogging a dimly lit photograph. This is thought to conclusively prove that he was indeed the Creature of Insufficient Light. In UQ27 it was reported that Gordon did not have sufficient brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

Kahuna called a press conference late yesterday and alleged that Gordon had time-traveled to photograph an ancient lamp, thereby claiming creative precedence over His photography. Kahuna further said that Gordon had used his shadily acquired TARDIS, nicknamed the GORDIS (Gordon's Own Relative Dimensions in Space), to commit the reprehensible deed. The GORDIS has not been observed firsthand to this day; however, experts believed that the portly one had used its chameleon circuit to disguise the time machine as a innocuous everyday object. Kahuna pointed out that one need look no further than Gordon's flagship automobile GITT Mk III to discover the camouflaged GORDIS. Calls to Gordon seeking comment were not immediately returned.

Gordon's return has also lead to a dispute between Kahuna and Darth Teddy, with the latter claiming full credit—and payment—for flushing out the volumetric ornithologist. Kahuna has downplayed the Bear's role in the matter and threatened to make payment in latex futures. Sources intimated that Darth Teddy was not amused by these developments.

KNN will provide live coverage of this expanding story.

Luminescent

Luminescent (Copyright © 2003 E Gordon)

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Pictures say a thousand words. This one [taken way back in 2003] says we know where "Kahuna" gets ideas for his photos :-P.

Gordon Claims Writer's Block, Cites Orange Juice

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news just in, it is with absolute amusement that we report that crackpot inventor Ebenezer Gordon aka Professor Gordon has filed for writer's block with the Supreme Court citing dubious antics with orange juice. For those of you who are clueless, the Professor was one of the inaugural contributors to the Circus with various mediocre posts (compared to what has been published in recent times by more accomplished writers). However, for a period of years, from what has been reported, Gordon has failed to lay finger to keyboard with regard to a new post on this masterpiece of a blog.

In order to provide you reasons for this lack of typing, we at BNN had to conduct a number of interviews with numerous colleagues of the inventor to get an accurate picture:

His offspring recently engineered a spill of OJ on his laptop, frying the hard drive.

The clown has now purchased a travel mug to sip OJ.

She turned up with a DVD-R and a tub of vaseline.

She had come into the room, put some books from the bookshelf on the floor and absconded.

I've warned him that his daughter is taking interest in diffractive optics at an early age; a well greased DVD-R could certainly foul up the optics of his DVD drive.

These are just some of the comments that we received. For security reasons we will leave the interviewees names under covers.

Therefore, based on these findings we find that Gordon does not even come close to having a valid reason for absconding from the Circus and has thus been served with summons by the Supreme Circus to get his act together (no pun intended) and return to blogging duties or as the public aptly put it "is he too chicken to face the competition?"

We will await a response from the crackpot inventor and keep you updated. Until then please avoid partaking in the consumption of orange juice in the presence of Gordon.

Tears in Heaven (Featuring St Vandoofus)

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Some weeks ago, St Vandoofus sent Kahuna an audio clip of one of his guitar solos. This lead to the following colorful conversation:

Kahuna    : Your masterpiece just downloaded X-(
            What the fuck was that?
Vandoofus : I thought I'll share what I was playing.
Kahuna    : Thank you X-(
Vandoofus : You're welcome.
Kahuna    : I'm enriched by it X-(
            Exactly what was that?
Vandoofus : Hmm, not sure.
Kahuna    : X-(
Vandoofus : My version of Tears in Heaven.
            Improvised.
Kahuna    : I'm in tears, thanks X-(
Vandoofus : Haha!
Kahuna    : X-(
Vandoofus : It's not that bad X-(
Kahuna    : It is, if it's supposed to be Tears in
            Heaven X-(
Vandoofus : Well, think of it as something else.
Kahuna    : I'm trying, believe me I'm trying X-(

Kahuna remains scarred by the experience and believes Vandoofus should stick to drums. Preferably, alone in a soundproofed room. Kahuna was further disturbed today to learn that Darth Teddy was also making headway in learning to play the guitar. It is understood that the Bear had threatened to practice Tears in Heaven and invade Kahuna's personal space.

In related news, KNN has discovered that Vandoofus's duet with the Ex-Dictator (reported in a previous post) was actually a striptease that ended up in the nude.

KNN intends to get to the bottom of this developing story.

Incandescent

Incandescent (Copyright (cc) 2006 B Kahuna)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- An incandescent lamp radiates a warm, soothing glow at La Rambla Restaurante.

Captured on the night of October 26^th 2006 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on shutter priority (1/160^th of a second) with a resultant aperture of F/4. 

Flagstaff by Morning

Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll wake her softly from a dream she’s dreamin’ sweet.
Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll just gently slip between the sheets.

I promised her one day
my songs would make the big time
and I’d buy her a big house where the hills meet the sky.
Well, I’m still playin’ jukejoints
and every roadside attraction.
My dreams may be grounded but my pick-up can fly to

Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll wake her softly from a dream she’s dreamin’ sweet.
Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll just gently slip between the sheets.

&mdash Joshua Kadison, Saturday Night in Storyville (1998).
Copyright © 1998 Joshuasongs (BMI).

One of Joshua Kadison's poignant piano rock songs about his life and music. The MP3 version can be downloaded from his website.

This song is dedicated to Darth Teddy, an authority in the type of undercover activities best carried out between the sheets. Despite the context of the Bear, references to Flagstaff, Arizona are not meant to be phallic. According to the Wikipedia:

The city's name commemorates a Ponderosa Pine tree that was made into a tall flagpole by members of a scouting party from Boston (known as the "Flagstaff Tea Party"), on July 4, 1876 to celebrate the United States Centennial.

Interestingly, the capital of Arizona is Phoenix. Again, this is probably just a coincidence. We're in no way suggesting that Darth Teddy should move to Arizona and become a nuisance to the good people of Flagstaff.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 11 - The Cat, the Preacher and the Clown

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- The fallout from Darth Teddy's performance of Jessie at the Bogusan Idol contest continues. On the eve of the nuptials between the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna and Professor Gordon had one of their infamous conversations. This time, it was sparked off by a discussion about the cat Moses. The discussion rambled through recent spam received by Gordon and Kahuna's attire for the wedding before degenerating into a cheesy, late-night infomercial offering multi-protocol, transport-independent prayer in a heterogeneous environment. Read on:

Kahuna : Why would anyone name a cat Moses? X-(
Gordon : Speaking of which, Mrs Moses contacted me.
Kahuna : Mrs Moses? X-(
Gordon : You have to read this X-(

We should explain that Gordon had just been spammed by Mrs Celina Moses of Sierra Leone, now residing in Côte d'Ivoire, but with her email address apparently in Japan. The mail opened with the salutation "BELOVED" and went downhill from there. Mrs Moses had found Gordon's email address after a "desperate search on the Internet" and had then prayed over it. She was offering Gordon 6.5 million smackers of her late husband's loot for religious purposes.

Kahuna : Oh she's prayed over your email address.
         Bless your soul X-(
Gordon : Indeed.
Gordon : I didn't know Sierra Leone was co.jp X-(
Kahuna : Heh heh. I've heard it all now.
Gordon : Exactly. Will you be praying over your email
         address?
Kahuna : I will be praying for your soul.
Kahuna : You will now provide inputs to my attire:
         1. Dark red shirt + red tie.
         2. Gray striped shirt + silver tie.
Gordon : You will swap(ties, shirts).
Kahuna : Red shirt + silver tie? X-(
Gordon : Indeed or the other combination.
Gordon : The tie is meant to contrast, not be
         camouflaged X-(
Kahuna : Now, now.
Kahuna : Your contribution rate to UQ31 is quite high
         tonight X-(
Kahuna : Actually, the red shirt + silver tie looks
         good.
Gordon : Indeed.
Kahuna : Will you bless this attire?
Gordon : Indeed, and I will pray over your FTP server
         as well.
Kahuna : For what reason? X-(
Gordon : An added bonus.
Kahuna : Is this a one-time, never to be repeated
         special offer?
Gordon : That's right, but call now and we'll add a
         weekly prayer over your SAN for free.
Kahuna : Praise the lord.  Are your operators standing
         by?
Gordon : Absolutely.
Kahuna : Do I get a money-back guarantee if I'm not
         satisfied with your prayer?
Gordon : Yes a full refund, and we will pray that you
         come to your senses as well.
Kahuna : But what if your prayer is incompatible with
         my SAN switch?
Gordon : It's guaranteed to be compatible: one million
         satisfied idiots can't be wrong.
Kahuna : Herne protect us!

On that somewhat Pagan note, we end this story. Contrary to popular belief, the Red Sea was not partitioned during these proceedings; Gordon merely experimented in his bathtub. We must emphasize that the resulting overflow caused only a minor flood.

Bogusan Idol

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- During a routine intelligence review conducted a few weeks ago, percussive taxidermist Professor Ebenezer Gordon discovered that known clowns Darth Teddy and Catbert had both secretly participated in what appeared to be an Imperial talent contest. Gordon promptly alerted Kahuna realizing the potential for enormous buffoonery. Kahuna agreed wholeheartedly with the arch-technologist's assessment of the situation and decided to refer to the contest as Bogusan Idol.

At his audition, Darth Teddy had performed Joshua Kadison's 1993 piano rock hit, Jessie. The BMI Award winning song echoes Kadison's turbulent relationship with actress Sarah Jessica Parker in the early 90s and also features their cat Moses. Gordon's agents succeeded in obtaining footage of Darth Teddy's performance and this was duly passed on to Kahuna. Eye-witnesses said that the Bear's performance was highly rated. Darth Teddy is believed to have crooned his way into many a heart in the past and Kahuna reiterated that allegedly cuddly one was a serious risk to female members of the general public. The Teddy Threat Level has consequently been raised to prowling.

Meanwhile, Former Reference Clown Catbert—well known in Gospel music circles—had re-invented himself as hip hop superstar LL Droov J and joined a group calling themselves the Deranged Bulls, or possibly the Rampaging Bulls. Accounts differ as to the precise name of the ensemble, but eye-witnesses agreed that strange hand gestures and hitherto alien dance moves were exhibited during their performance. Music industry insiders said the group should more appropriately have been called the Mad Cows.

Sadly, the rest of the world may never see the bovines in action: video evidence of group's maiden performance has vanished under mysterious circumstances. It is suspected that LL Droov J has used his considerable powers to suppress the evidence before it ended up on YouTube, thereby precipitating a potential Bullgate scandal. In what appears to be a crucial link, footage of the rapper's solo performance in the Bogusan Idol contest is also missing.

Kahuna held a press conference earlier today and commended Gordon's intelligence network for prompt action in gathering the crucial evidence. He added that Darth Teddy was taken by surprise when confronted with crooning in the first degree. The Bear was allegedly on a pizza sampling expedition north of the Sri Lankan capital of Colombo at the time. LL Droov J had been greatly alarmed when informed of the existence of video footage and had vowed that he would take all possible steps destroy the evidence. Although, the rapper appears to have succeeded, Kahuna said that He would be deploying a team of magnetic tape-seeking dogs to get to the bottom of the matter.

KNN continues to monitor this developing story.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 31

Is your mother still blissfully unaware of your tattoo?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy on the status of mandatory disclosures.

Would you like your nipple pierced?

— Darth Teddy, attempting to lure Kahuna to the Dark Side.

You might get excommunicated due to inactivity.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the severe consequences of not blogging.

What dastardly plans have you hatched under the darkness of covers?

— Kahuna, suspecting Darth Teddy of misbehaving beneath the sheets.

I smell nuts.

— Darth Teddy, announcing intent to hunt.

It's so much easier with men.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on successful hunting after his recent policy reversal.

By the way, I will be coming home with you today.

— Darth Teddy, disclosing nefarious designs on Kahuna.

If you have no more use of your gonads, we could go for the cheese.

— Kahuna, noting the price of the cheese platter might require Darth Teddy to pawn no-longer-needed parts of his anatomy.

I don't recall a wolf.

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna's plans to blog about the Way of the Wolf.

I am hungry, bitch; make me some food.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, demanding service in the wee hours of the morning.

Do you realize how much money Durex is loosing each night you don't hump?

— Kahuna, expressing concern over Darth Teddy's uncustomary celibacy.

You're causing a decline in the latex futures market.

— Kahuna, predicting dire economic implications from Darth Teddy's continued abstinence.

You are associating with the wrong types: look at that boy's hair.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's excessively long hair.

It's attempting to use X-ray technology to look under female undergarments.

— Kahuna to Gordon, revealing the Hobbit's plan to use NightShot technology for purposes other than those envisaged by Sony.

In other words, it's trying to catch some bird in the nude unbeknown.

— Gordon to Kahuna, establishing the Hobbit's modus operandi.

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

It's not as effective as I expected it to be.

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, revealing disappointing results after field-testing Sony's NightShot technology under dubious conditions.

Why do they fix this stupid IR filter in front?

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, expressing annoyance with Sony's design of the Cybershot DSC-V1 digital camera.

Will this become Bogusan Idol?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the future of an Imperial talent contest.

Sirasa Super Tart.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the Imperial talent contest if Darth Teddy had anything to do with it.

Send it to me as well, please.

— Darth Teddy, requesting Kahuna for incriminating video evidence of himself dug up by Gordon's global spy network.

Oh she's prayed over your email address; bless your soul.

— Kahuna, noting that Mrs Moses had prayed over an email to Gordon.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

I believe ET faced similar problems.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unable to call home due to a busy signal.

I tell you, QA clowns are from the planet Zork.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure with QA.

I thought they were from Uranus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, challenging the origin of QA.

Plus you can have Playboy on-demand.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on compelling reasons to live in the Land of the Free.

It looks like a chicken in that headgear.

— Gordon to Kahuna, commenting on the Ex-Dictator's turban.

I'm Kahuna; I cannot be explained.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to explain Himself.

Catbert is quite fat.

— Gordon, calling Catbert fat.

Are you suggesting it ain't over till the fat man sings?

— Kahuna, querying if Gordon expected Catbert to perform an aria in full Valkyrie outfit.

I will pose as Snoop Dogg.

— Gordon to Kahuna, outlining his plans to obtain an Amex Centurion Card.

You might have better luck as Dr Evil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a more appropriate masquerade.

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

— Vandoofus, in a wedding message to the Ex-Dictator.

You could add that we have an air bed, depending on the seriousness of the faces.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to deliver a wedding message to the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator.

That might cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

— Kahuna, questioning the aunt-safeness of Gordon's wedding message.

That's a highly dodgy use of a semicolon.

— Kahuna, pausing to critique Darth Teddy's punctuation.

When I'm through with you, your anaconda will need a splint.

— Kahuna, proposing to cramp Darth Teddy's style.

I don't misbehave; it's just that you under-behave.

- Darth Teddy, blaming Kahuna for sub-standard behavior.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

Yup, stainless. Until I come that is; then there are stains.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, contending that his equipment was cast from industrial-grade stainless steel.

No, I like the heat generated.

— Vandoofus, dismissing Kahuna's recommendation of industrial-grade lubricant.

Hugo! Hugo! Hugo!

— Kahuna, riling Gordon by routing for Hugo Chavez.

I was feeling much better in the afternoon and took a bath.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining the circumstances behind his relapse.

As your doctor, I recommend that you be shot.

— Kahuna, writing Gordon a fatal prescription.

Speaking of Sony, I just discovered my TV runs Linux.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unwittingly bound by the GNU General Public License.

This is a violation of your MOU with Redmond.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of double-crossing Redmond.

I will now calculate the total number of speakers I am accountable for around the planet.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attempting to proclaim a sinister new definition of surround sound.

Sixty-three.

— Gordon's Answer to the Question of the Tweeter, the Squawker and the Woofer.

UQ is becoming quite U.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing concern about Unquotable Quotes.

I'm changing to Morse code to be safe.

— Her Royal Highness, learning that Kahuna would be publishing a new edition of Unquotable Quotes.

We'll soon have to put an adult filter on that thing.

— Her Royal Highness, threatening to censor Unquotable Quotes.

The Toast or How the Groom was Spared

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Much buffoonery was unleashed at the recently concluded nuptials of the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator. At the request of the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna made a keynote speech at the venue. Wide-ranging restrictions were placed on what Kahuna could actually say, thanks to the vast troves of photographic and other evidence gathered by Him over a period in excess of a decade. It is understood that an entire year was embargoed. However, most observers agree that the evidence was indeed decadent and might possibly cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

Unfortunately for the groom, his sibling turned out to be a bigger menace than Kahuna. When a multimedia projector and screen mysteriously turned up at the the venue, the groom broke up in a cold sweat and feared the worst. To his credit, he did had the presence of mind to steal the video cable. This was only returned after guarantees that Kahuna had nothing to do with it.

But, we digress. When Kahuna reflected upon the set of all information about the groom and subtracted the set of embargoed topics, His Holy Venn Diagram returned a null set. Perturbed, Kahuna engaged the services of Vandoofus, Gordon, Huggles and Associates to put a spin on things. The global PR firm wasted no time and left no stone unturned in going about this task. They ended up with enough dirt to bury the groom. So much for that idea.

St Vandoofus in particular offered many unbloggable anecdotes about the Ex-Dictator's colorful^[1] past. Some, like stories of suspicious rock-climbing expeditions^[2] and exploding automobiles^[3] were decidedly aunt-unsafe^[4]. Others were profound in their uselessness. One conversation with Vandoofus went like this:

Vandoofus : The Ex-Dictator and I hit the charts with
            the release of our version of Banks of
            the Ohio.
Kahuna    : Banks of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Ya.
Kahuna    : A murder ballad? X-(
Vandoofus : I asked my love to take a walk.
Kahuna    : To take a walk? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, just a little walk.
Kahuna    : Down beside where the waters flow? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, down by the banks...
Kahuna    : Of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Yup yup.
Kahuna    : And only say that you'll be mine? X-(
Kahuna    : Great, this is not what I want to picture
            X-(
Vandoofus : But, it was a hit.
Kahuna    : I'm sure.

Kahuna considers himself fortunate not being in the audience when the aforementioned duet was performed. Vandoofus finally decided to send a message of felicitation to the Ex-Dictator:

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

Professor Gordon also sent felicitations and invited the newly betrothed to his stronghold in Alpharetta. His offer letter threw in an air-bed for good measure. Earlier in the day, Gordon had interrupted the registration proceedings with a personal phone call to the bride and groom. Huggles and Her Royal Highness meanwhile sent cryptic marital advice that appears to have been heavily influenced by the prevailing heat down under.

Kahuna finally decided to ditch them all and play it by ear without also incriminating Himself in the process. He ended up delivering a speech that He considered quite tame by His usual standards. The Ex-Dictator was nonetheless seen fidgeting and wiping his brow during the spine-chilling moments Kahuna spent with a microphone.

However in the end, everything went well. The groom survived the night and the aunts were spared. Catbert provided comic relief and Darth Teddy tried to get Kahuna intoxicated. On that note, we end this episode our continuing tales of buffoonery and mischief.

^[1] Best viewed in Kodak ProPhoto RGB color space, including imaginary colors.

^[2] Not mere geology, but geo-chemical-kinetics according to Vandoofus. This is apparently measured using a seismometer.

^[3] Details remain sketchy, but some form of combustion outside the engine manifold had taken place.

^[4] All things are either aunt-safe or aunt-unsafe when calibrated against a gang of known aunts. Aunt-safeness exhibits direct correlation with the weighted average notoriety of the gang of aunts in question. Most known aunts are believed to fall somewhere between Bertie Wooster's aunts Agatha and Dahlia, who define the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Jessie

From a phone booth in Vegas, Jessie calls at 5 A.M.
to tell me how she's tired of all of them.
She says, "Baby, I been thinking 'bout a trailer by the sea.
We could go to Mexico... you, the cat and me.
We'll drink tequila and look for sea shells.
Now, doesn't that sound sweet?"
Oh, Jessie, you always do this every time I get back on my feet.

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

She asks me how the cat's been. I say, "Moses he's just fine
but he used to think about you all the time.
We finally took your pictures down off the wall.
Oh, Jessie, how do you always seem to know just when to call?"
She says, "Get your stuff together. Bring Moses and drive real fast."
And I listen to her promise, "I swear to God this time it's gonna last."

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

I'll love you in the sunshine, lay you down in the warm white sand.
And who knows, maybe this time things'll turn out just the way you planned.

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

— Joshua Kadison, Painted Desert Serenade (SBK Records, 1993). Copyright © 1991, 1992 Joshuasongs (BMI), Seymour Glass Songs (BMI), EMI/Blackwood Inc.

Joshua Kadison's timeless piano rock hit about his tumultuous relationship with actress Sarah Jessica Parker and their cat Moses in the early 90s. More great music can be downloaded from his website.

The purpose of posting these lyrics will become evident in the coming days. Of course it has to do with Darth Teddy, Professor Gordon and unfettered buffoonery of massive proportions. LL Droov J, the famous rapper formerly known as Catbert will also put in a guest appearance.