Vesak Lights

Vesak Lights (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- On this trice-blessed night Kahuna took out his camera with the intention of taking some photographs of the Vesak lanterns. However, He soon discovered that setting the lens to manual and defocussing led to better results, particularly with the strands of colored electric lights, some of which can be seen above. Something unusual for a change.

Captured on 19^th May 2008 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) and manual defocus. 

The Law of the Circus - Part 1

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Difficult as it is to believe, more than three years have passed since the first publication of Unquotable Quotes back in March of 2005. The 37^th edition is expected to hit the streets sometime during the long weekend, barring an unforeseen act of Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes—perhaps better known as UQ—is the original commentary made by the large clowns infesting the Circus. Over the years, these clowns have uttered many choice statements that have been converted by Kahuna into laws, principles, hypotheses, corollaries, lemmas and even a prayer or two.

In hindsight, it would seem that arch motorist Professor Gordon started the wheel rolling when he propounded his Law of Legislated Potholes in UQ10. Soon after, Gordon followed up with his Principle of Volumetric Ornithology after a pelican decided to relieve itself on his then flagship automobile, GITT Mk II. This incident also gave rise to an entirely new field of study.

However, we digress. Here for the first time is a comprehensive reference to the Law of the Circus, in order of publication date:

From UQ10:

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

— Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

From UQ11:

You only realize how huge a pelican is when they shit on you.

— Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass.

— The Monster’s Propulsive Corollary to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican briefs or lack thereof.

— Darth Teddy’s Lemma to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

May a whole bunch of white pelicans line up and group shit upon you when you try to take your next photograph!

— Kahuna’s Prayer for Obstructing Optics with Collective Linear Ornithological Bombardment.

Let he who is not distorted like a barrel cast the first shadow.

— Kahuna’s Principle of Rectilinear Umbrage.

From UQ12:

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

— The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

From UQ14:

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

— Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

From UQ15:

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

— Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

From UQ16:

Why of course, you have to name a vehicle. Otherwise you tend to just think of them as objects. You have to understand that they have feelings.

— Huggles’s Vehicular Naming Monologue.

Can you explain why the blasted DB2 client needs so much space?

— Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

Because the installer has determined that you have way too much free space on your local disk.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

From UQ19:

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

— Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

— Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

— Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

From UQ20:

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

— Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

From UQ21:

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

— Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

From UQ24:

The best parts of learning are the stains.

— Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

Mothers get along with me.

— Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

— Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

— Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

— Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

— Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

From UQ28:

Smooch is not equal to hump.

— Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

— Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

From UQ29:

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

From UQ30:

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

From UQ31:

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

From UQ32:

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

From UQ33:

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

From UQ34:

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

From UQ35:

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

From UQ36:

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

The Road to Dambatenna

The Green Fields of Dambatenna (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)


Tea Leaves after Rain (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

 
The Marker (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

DAMBATENNA, Sri Lanka -- In March this year, Kahuna and Darth Teddy took some time off to tour Haputale and Ella. These photographs were taken on the drive up from Haputale to Dambatenna. This road eventually leads to that panoramic viewpoint, Lipton's Seat.

The Dambatenna Group, whose immaculately pruned tea estates adorn the road, must be commended for the care they've taken to clearly identify each road with nary a fork left unmarked. These chaps know what they're doing. It would take considerable effort to get lost up here. This made a welcome difference from some highways under the purview of the the so-called Road Development Authority (RDA), which were completely devoid of any markings that might have given travelers an inkling of their location.

Captured on 17^th March 2008 using a Canon EOS 30D. The second photograph was taken with an EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II and the other two with the highly non-bogus EF 50mm 1:1.8 II. 

Socks - Requiescat in Pace

 

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Socks passed away this morning after having difficulties in breathing. She never fully recovered from her abdominal illness after being rescued from the streets about two weeks ago.

This is the last photograph that was taken of her on the 5^th of May 2008.

Sit tibi terra levis.

Dragons of Eden

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Those of you who have not read Dimi's blog, Dragons of Eden, should do so now. And we mean now. Go!

We suggest you start with Wide Bodied Woes. The conversation between Dimi and the Chief is simply hilarious. Well, yeah it was rather one-sided, but hey. At any rate, the Chief appears to be a massive clown. And judging by the rest of the material on that blog, so is Dimi.

We'll leave you to explore and find all the naughty stuff. Heh heh.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages - Part 9: Dissonance in the Dark

HEMEL HEMPSTEAD, United Kingdom -- Today we bring you a conversation between Darth Teddy and Kahuna from several months ago when the anaconda keeper was being a public nuisance in the greater Watford area.

Darth Teddy is an ardent Manchester United fan and—like others of similar disposition—considers Old Trafford to be the Holy Land. The allegedly cuddly one spends significant time engaged in religious observances, including but not limited to drooling over wonder boy, Cristiano Ronaldo. Woe be unto those who interrupt Sunday football or badmouth the Red Devils. Naturally, this zealous faith leads to the frequent irritation of Kahuna, and this instance was no exception:

Darth Teddy (DT): Now what's bitten you?
Kahuna (K): I'm getting cheesed off by your religious observances.
DT: Well you are going to have to maintain a stiff upper lip and swallow it cause the faith ain't getting weaker.
K: Swallow it? This is a highly dodgy metaphor X-(
DT: Indeed, I know. It was done intentionally.
K: Stiff upper lip, indeed. In your case this could only mean one thing X-(
DT: Stop harping.
K: Bah, you need to be bashed with a trumpet.
DT: I'm sure.
K: I don't like your tone.
DT: Bah, you are listening to the wrong key.
K: You need to be knocked down a few octaves if you ask me.
DT: Nonsense, you are clutching at semitones.
K: Crotchety today aren't we?
DT: Utter hogwash, you are full of woodwind.
K: A well-tuned oboe will settle your hash once and for all.
DT: Bah, you need a violin bow to straighten you out.
K: A contrabassoon dropped on your big toe will change your tune.
DT: Oh stop blowing your trombone.
K: That's quite a bass remark X-(
DT: It should bring down your treble.
K: You're striking quite a discord here.
DT: Your flute should get some blowing if you ask me.
K: You never managed to finger your piccolo right did you?
DT: Er no, I specialize in fingering 3rd party piccolos.
K: You should keep your crumhorn^[1] to yourself X-(
DT: Nonsense, my crumhorn has been the pleasure of many a piccolo.
K: This would explain the high notes, yes X-(
DT: Indeed, I have a knack of tapping the right keys.
K: Bah, you're just fingering in the dark.
DT: Jealousy rings like a triangle from your voice.
K: Why don't you go beat your own drum?
DT: Nonsense, I have enoughs sticks to call upon to beat my drum.
K: This is like placing the monkey in charge of the baton X-(
DT: Very well, I will dispatch a monkey to play with your baton.
K: Kindly keep your monkey off my baton X-(
DT: My monkey has no interest in your baton. However, I shall make sure I dispatch one that does. I shall now abscond to construct kottu.
K: keep your monkey out of trouble.

Quite a cacophony if you ever heard one. Darth Teddy's baton-seeking monkeys never turned up, possibly having stuffed themselves on kottu instead.

Sadly, the remainder of this conversation is completely unbloggable, mostly due to a discussion of Darth Teddy's hitherto unknown kinky nature. We can, however, conclude that there is a high likelihood of a cat o' nine tails featuring prominently in the Bear's future. On that disturbing note, we conclude today's post.

^[1] It's not what you're thinking. A crumhorn is a perfectly legitimate musical instrument of the woodwind family. More details here.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 20: Of Tuning Forks and Chainsaws

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Hello, here we are once again. Kahuna is still incapacitated due to what has now been identified as a malfunction in cranial nerve V. He has been prescribed medication with side-effects seemingly more dangerous than His ailment, possibly an indication that the medical profession is out to get Him. The perception of sound a semitone lower than the actual pitch is among some of the more exotic of these side-effects. This bit of information led an early morning squabble with Professor Gordon:

Kahuna (K): Wallop()
Gordon (G): The bipolar tone-deaf idiot X-(
K: I will feed you iron filings and send you for an MRI scan X-(
G: I will drive you nuts with a tuning fork :-P
K: Do you know what I'll do to you with your tuning fork? X-(
G: Given your bipolar nature, it's quite difficult to predict :-D
K: Good, I'll have the element of surprise >:-)
G: Retard X-(
K: Heh heh heh.

Readers would probably be relieved to learn that Kahuna does not suffer from a bipolar disorder as alleged by Gordon. His perception of 261.626 Hz as middle C also remains unchanged at the time of writing. Despite a rather rocky start, the discussion soon moved into more important topics; namely, Gordon's plans to host a family reunion in the continental United States:

G: In other news PO, MO and Cl Sibling are plotting a visit to these parts.
K: What steps will you take to counterbalance the global CF^[1] shift?
G: The Monster may also converge on Atlanta.
K: Should I repeat my question? X-(
G: I might have to send Vandoofus to Madagascar to compensate.
K: Madagascar? I believe it is currently mucking about in New Zealand X-(
G: Ah, in that case we have balance.
K: A precarious one if you ask me: someone farting at the CNN Center could easily upset the whole thing.
G: PO's acquisition of a chainsaw sent his CF through the roof.
K: And you want Vandoofus to compensate? X-(
G: Vandoofus's CF was established sans power tools. If he gets a power tool, we'll have to cover him in concrete à la Chernobyl X-(
K: Are you sure PO won't pack his chainsaw? X-(
G: Er no, however, he might acquire upgrades at the Home Depot X-(
K: I didn't realize a concrete sarcophagus could contain CF X-(
G: Would you like to be encased in one to disprove the theory?
K: Bah, nonsense: the burden of proof is upon you; it will be joined by a medium-sized hippo if you're not careful.
G: Hippos are quite violent X-(
K: Precisely. I'm counting on it to take offence at the arrangements right from the outset.

[After a considerable pause]

K: Did it finish you off? :-P
G: Er no, I am gathering documents for the Hon Consul X-(

The discussion was adjourned, thereafter, on account of the late hour in Alpharetta. No hippopotomi were harmed during this production. However, Kahuna reserves the right to deal with Gordon using a badly tuned grand piano.

^[1] For the uninitiated, CF means Clown Factor, a quantification of the clown nature. The SI unit for measurement of CF is the Kern (Kn) and interested readers will find more details in ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor.

Dealing with Monumental Stupidity - Part 1

CUBEVILLE, California Republic -- Empirical research has clearly established the increasing trend in corporate stupidity. The root cause of stupidity is almost always due to "management," or the lack thereof.

Here, we have have the Garbageman demonstrating a practical solution to this pervasive problem:

Admit it. You want one too, don't you? Well, you're in luck. Gordon Industries, Inc., has announced plans to mass-market the device. Demand so far has been brisk. Order yours today!

Socks in Repose

 


Socks in Repose (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna is indisposed today due to His operating temperature exceeding the design threshold. However, He could not resist taking a few shots of Socks, the new feline incumbent in the household. Kahuna's physician may not have appreciated the sight Him crawling on the floor attempting to get the framing just right, however, the end result was non-bogus.

Socks is a tuxedo cat and as her name suggests, has distinctive white socks, not entirely unlike Sylvester J Pussycat, Sr. She is currently convalescing from a viral infection. Socks is tolerated by Kahuna's canines. However, Waffles has expressed displeasure at the new arrangements.

Captured on 5^th May 2008, presumably against medical advice, using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 19: The Way of the Coconut

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- We're back again with another edition of the Kahuna-Gordon Messages, where we learn of the chaos perpetrated by Gordon in his latests nutty attempts at educating the populace of Georgia in the vernacular. To protect the guilty, we will refer to the protagonist behind this episode simply as 'P'. Translations are provided below for non-native language speakers:

Gordon (G): In other news, it is evident that P communicates using the YKMP protocol.
Kahuna (K): YKMP?
G: Indeed: Yanney Koheda, Malley Pol^[1].
K: Eh? Now what?
G: You ask it about X, it responds about Y.
K: @#$@#^$%%@#$@#$@#%@#$@#$@#$@#
K: Its L2 is corrupted obviously. You will thump it to reset its cache.
G: Indeed; I have updated the locals on YKMP terminology.
K: Oh?
G: Indeed; there was a mail forwarded claiming, "he's got coconuts in the bag again."
K: @$@#$@#%@#$^#$&$%$%@#%@#@#$
K: [FUME]
G: [ROTFL]
K: You're causing chaos X-(
G: No, P is.
K: You're nuts.
G: You're barking up the wrong tree.
K: An alavanguwa^[2] will sort you both out. Try translating that.
G: Potato bend?
K: Indeed.
G: Iti gediya.
K: Now, now.
G: Bambuwa^[3].
K: I will thump you with a visiketta^[4].
G: A manna pihiya^[5] might be more effective.
K: This looks like the proverbial monkey with the delipihiya^[6] X-(
G: You're attempting to cause kalabala^[7].
K: Oh? By Mawanella^[8]?
G: Exactly.
K: I should have eliminated you when I had the chance.
G: Mineemaruwa^[9].
K: Gas gemba^[10].
G: "Gus," I think is the correct term by Shell.
K: Bahu-jaathika buuwalla^[11].
G: Mee haraka^[12].
K: Uuru meeya^[13].

At which point, thankfully, the proceedings were adjourned sine die. No coconuts were smashed during this production, although, it is quite possible that the Anti-Pot may advocate such drastic measures in the coming months.

^[1] When asked, "Where are you going?" one responds, "I've got coconuts in the bag," demonstrating a total semantic disconnect between question and answer. In a Unix operating system, this form of behavior would qualify as a segmentation violation.
^[2] Literally, potato bend. A local species of crowbar used for drilling small holes in the ground or potentially, uprooting tubers or conceivably, rhizomes.
^[3] Literally a bamboo stem, used as an expression of annoyance.
^[4] Slasher.
^[5] Machete.
^[6] Straight razor.
^[7] State of disorder or, according to Gordon, a ruckus.
^[8] A small town in the Kegalle district, scene of communal riots some years ago.
^[9] Murderer.
^[10] Literally, tree frog.
^[11] Literally, multinational octopus. A slogan of choice often uttered by Marxist trade unions types during vitriolic diatribes against capitalism.
^[12] Buffalo.
^[13] Literally, pig rat. Refers to the Lesser Bandicoot Rat (Bandicota bengalensis) which apparently makes pig-like grunts while attacking.