On this eve of Samhain, as the world becomes colder, we attempt to find the answer to that most baffling question:
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Gordon in High Voltage Plot?
Directed graph to Gordon's new facilities (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)
PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- After a brief hiatus prospecting for oil in Kandalama, Kahuna wannabe and capacitor expert, Professor Gordon has been seen once again roaming the hallowed halls of the Peradeniya University.
Eye-witnesses reported that Gordon had gained access to the High Voltage Laboratory of the University by underhand means. Although, Gordon's modus operandi was not immediately clear, experts speculated that the portly one could be fabricating replacement capacitors for his array of jet engines.
In a prepared statement to the media, the Vice Chancellor's gardener said that he is taking the necessary steps to thwart Gordon's activities on campus, but refused to discuss further details. He did, however, say that "resistance is futile," raising the possibility of a super-conducting or cryogenic solution to the current problem. Experts agreed that the sooner Gordon was grounded, the better for all concerned as the potential difference was completely unacceptable.
KNN will provide round-the-clock coverage of this developing story.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Kahuna Strikes Back, Threatens to Publish Memoirs
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna revealed that parties acting in concert were attempting to tarnish His spotless reputation.
Categorically denying the sordid allegations made by both Vandoofus and the Teddybear, Kahuna reminded both parties that He knew where they lived. Industry analysts viewed this as a serious threat, given the limitless reach of Kahuna's global logistics empire and His proven track record in practical buffoonery.
In a related strategic move, Kahuna revealed that He is considering the publication of His extensive memoirs, with more than several chapters devoted to the events at the Bogopolis by the Sea during the late 20th century. It is believed that these will feature the colorful escapades of Vandoofus in graphic detail. Experts familiar with the subject warned that Vandoofus would need a team of archeologists to dig out of this one.
When asked about the Teddybear, Kahuna said the rascal was not forgotten. The Teddybear would shortly be the proud recipient of a shipment of Energizer batteries to remedy the one that was not included in the last round of buffoonery. Industry insiders suspected this would give the Teddybear a buzz that would simply keep going and going.
Responding to reports that Vandoofus may be seeking to invade Boston, Kahuna scoffed at the idea saying that Vandoofus is attempting to gain political mileage from the first Red Sox win of the so-called World Series after 86 years. He further stated that any attempts to invade Boston would be met with stiff resistance including but not necessarily limited to armed bears, flying attack porcupines and squirrels bearing large nuts.
Vandoofus and the Teddybear were asleep (in separate locations) and not available for comment.
Categorically denying the sordid allegations made by both Vandoofus and the Teddybear, Kahuna reminded both parties that He knew where they lived. Industry analysts viewed this as a serious threat, given the limitless reach of Kahuna's global logistics empire and His proven track record in practical buffoonery.
In a related strategic move, Kahuna revealed that He is considering the publication of His extensive memoirs, with more than several chapters devoted to the events at the Bogopolis by the Sea during the late 20th century. It is believed that these will feature the colorful escapades of Vandoofus in graphic detail. Experts familiar with the subject warned that Vandoofus would need a team of archeologists to dig out of this one.
When asked about the Teddybear, Kahuna said the rascal was not forgotten. The Teddybear would shortly be the proud recipient of a shipment of Energizer batteries to remedy the one that was not included in the last round of buffoonery. Industry insiders suspected this would give the Teddybear a buzz that would simply keep going and going.
Responding to reports that Vandoofus may be seeking to invade Boston, Kahuna scoffed at the idea saying that Vandoofus is attempting to gain political mileage from the first Red Sox win of the so-called World Series after 86 years. He further stated that any attempts to invade Boston would be met with stiff resistance including but not necessarily limited to armed bears, flying attack porcupines and squirrels bearing large nuts.
Vandoofus and the Teddybear were asleep (in separate locations) and not available for comment.
Capital of Vandoofus Kingdom Moving to Boston?
NEW YORK, New York -- The supreme leader of the Kingdom of Vandoofus has indicated plans to move his capital and official residency from New York to Boston. Speculations among the inner circle of his administration indicate the move could be related to the recent victory by the Red Sox with which the curse of Bambino was also broken. Except for minor setbacks such as expected resistance from the feeble rebel group headed by Kahuna, the move should be smooth sailing for the Vandoofus military front. The rebels of Kahuna, who were heavily reliant on the Bambino curse to keep their resistance going, will now be completely defenseless and vulnerable. The vandofus administration plan to work closely with the next democratically elected leader of the Americas which also just happened to be from Boston.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
NEWSFLASH
BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In news just in, it has been reported that the Kahuna (Big) is not only blogosexual, but has also admitted to being trysexual, which as the name suggests means that he will try anything. Although, the bad news for Kahuna (Big) is that anything has rejected his advances and suggested that he go and attempt to woo a stick. Anything is still waiting for a response to this suggestion.
Due to the lackluster newscasters in Colombo, Sri Lanka and other parts of the world, Brighton is claiming ownership to this breaking news.
And now the weather with Ms. Sunny I. Thinknot ...
Due to the lackluster newscasters in Colombo, Sri Lanka and other parts of the world, Brighton is claiming ownership to this breaking news.
And now the weather with Ms. Sunny I. Thinknot ...
Kahuna the Blogosexual?
CHELSEA, New York -- The days of the metrosexual are numbered. The flamboyant urban male person with strong aesthetic sense who spent most of his time and money on his appearance and lifestyle has apparently been replaced. The new cool person who is adored by the women and envied by the male is the ‘blogosexual’. Leading the movement is our own Big Kahuna who didn’t make it far as a metrosexual or for that matter as a heterosexual. But as far as blogsexual goes, the man (or the thing) is in the forefront of world’s trendy fashion circles. So watch out for our Kahuna, he has finally made a fashion statement, even if it is only virtual and is setting trends.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Vandoofus Accused of Vandalism
NEW YORK, New York -- Kahuna today accused Vandoofus of vandalism and blogging under the influence after the Circus was defaced with blasphemous tripe appeared in the blog description:
Speaking to the media shortly afterwards, Vandoofus declared that it could have been any of the numerous visitors to his apartments. Kahuna retorted that this appears to be precisely why Vandoofus's entertainment expenses have hit the roof.
Attorney General Spitzer was not available for comment.
This is the circus. This site is best viewd [sic] drunk. Microsoft Internet Explorer might help. Use of opensource browsers (Mozilla, FireFox) may piss off the blogletts.Kahuna revealed that this latest incident occured after He refused outrageous demands by Vandoofus that personal “entertainment” costs should be made business expenses. Arguing that the only blog traffic at the time originated from Vandoofus's New York apartments, Kahuna added that Eliot Spitzer was already on the job.
Speaking to the media shortly afterwards, Vandoofus declared that it could have been any of the numerous visitors to his apartments. Kahuna retorted that this appears to be precisely why Vandoofus's entertainment expenses have hit the roof.
Attorney General Spitzer was not available for comment.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Happy Birthday Teddybear! Hump!
The universal hump symbol (Copyright 2004 © B Kahuna)
BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear, who celebrates his 25th birthday today was awoken from slumber in the not-so-early hours by none other than Kahuna. The international PSTN was misused for this purpose. It is reported that other large clowns including a powerful hotel baroness known for double-charging customers and buffoon roommates had made nuisances of themselves in the small hours of the morning.
These latest acts of clown come hot on the heels of earlier buffoonery when Kahuna's global logistics empire arranged the delivery of unmarked packages to the unsuspecting Teddybear, who was unwise enough to open them in the company of his roommates. The slippery situation that arose was, however, subsequently stabilized gyroscopically. It is understood that a battery, which was not included, had also been instrumental in salvaging the potentially shaky circumstances. A frictionless and amicable state of affairs had been restored by the time of writing and some of the more controversial items have been locked away.
Speaking to the media today, Kahuna accepted responsibility for the buffoonery, but hinted that the hotel baroness may have been involved in the plot, hatched under the cover of darkness. It is widely suspected that crackpot inventor and climatologist, Professor Gordon was also knowledgeable about the plans.
Reiterating sentiments in greeting cards shipped out of the continental United States, the Circus wishes the Teddybear a very happy birthday with lots of tickles, rubs, squeezes, spanks, smooches, hugs, licks and bites.
The Teddybear was unavailable for comment, having absconded for cricket practice. The possibility of an orgy tonight, however, has not been completely ruled out.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Gordon Barges In
File photograph of the Kandalama tank (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)
KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of Professor Gordon have been reported during the weekend from the Kandalama region. Several people reported seeing a suspicious person dressed as an ornithologist navigating the Kandalama tank in a barge.
It is believed that Gordon may have been prospecting for crude oil to eventually power his array of jet engines designed to convert the planet into a giant Popsicle.
KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Uniflow Scuttled
COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In breaking news, the quasi-bogus Uniflow system has been scuttled less than 24 hours after going online. A high level of annoyance among the general public is seen to be the cause of the scheme's demise.
A press release issued by Kahuna stated that Professor Gordon had failed yet again to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by using a large number of vehicles traversing a cyclic path. The highway menace was not available for comment, having absconded early to his rural lair.
A press release issued by Kahuna stated that Professor Gordon had failed yet again to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by using a large number of vehicles traversing a cyclic path. The highway menace was not available for comment, having absconded early to his rural lair.
Lost in Colombo
COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Buffoonery took a turn for the worse this Monday morning in the tropical bogopolis of Colombo with the new Uniflow traffic system coming online. Uniflow caused chaos by updating the metropolitan routing table to declare trunk routes one-way with inter-connecting routes randomly polarized. High levels of confuse() function call usage was evidenced among motorists, along with priority given to various species of omnibus.
Motorists who had not received the routing updates were seen traversing city blocks in circular fashion with no escape route in sight. It is believed that some will never find their way out of the maze worthy of Daedalus.
Kahuna too was gravely inconvenienced when expected routes were found to be blocked by the City's Finest. However, members of said Finest demonstrated that they were indeed synchronized with the metropolitan routing table via OSPF and provided prompt exit instructions using appropriate directional gestures. This indeed turned to be the shortest path that was open.
It appears that the designers of this dastardly scheme have studied queuing theory in considerable detail before deciding to abandon it completely. The principle that adding bandwidth to already congested networks does not improve matters was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt this morning.
When asked for his views, Arch-motorist Professor Gordon quoted Nolan and said that this is still the learning stage. An expert on cyclic paths, Gordon is believed to be in the pay of the designers of Uniflow.
Motorists who had not received the routing updates were seen traversing city blocks in circular fashion with no escape route in sight. It is believed that some will never find their way out of the maze worthy of Daedalus.
Kahuna too was gravely inconvenienced when expected routes were found to be blocked by the City's Finest. However, members of said Finest demonstrated that they were indeed synchronized with the metropolitan routing table via OSPF and provided prompt exit instructions using appropriate directional gestures. This indeed turned to be the shortest path that was open.
It appears that the designers of this dastardly scheme have studied queuing theory in considerable detail before deciding to abandon it completely. The principle that adding bandwidth to already congested networks does not improve matters was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt this morning.
When asked for his views, Arch-motorist Professor Gordon quoted Nolan and said that this is still the learning stage. An expert on cyclic paths, Gordon is believed to be in the pay of the designers of Uniflow.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
The Heist
OSLO, Norway -- Remember Edvard Munch's painting The Scream, which was stolen from the Munch Museum at gunpoint in August? Well they discovered the perpetrators, and it makes perfect sense now! Ann Telnaes, the farce is strong in you.
The painting is still missing and is probably at an undisclosed location along with the duck hunter.
Incidentally, the unusually intense sunset depicted in the painting has been traced to the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883.
The painting is still missing and is probably at an undisclosed location along with the duck hunter.
Incidentally, the unusually intense sunset depicted in the painting has been traced to the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883.
Spitzer Eyes LoudCloud
NEW YORK CITY, New York -- New York Attorney General and fellow blogger Eliot Spitzer, announced an investigation into the LoudCloud blog citing suspicion of insider trading and financial irregularities. Dismissing threats issued by LoudCloud of falling objects as purely gravitational, Spitzer said the perpetrators will be gravely inconvenienced by his investigations.
The management of LoudCloud was not available for comment.
The management of LoudCloud was not available for comment.
LoudCloud Moved
NEW YORK CITY, New York -- LoudCloud was recently moved to an undisclosed location after being attacked by hackers. While the LoudCloud Management regrets any inconvenience caused to the blogging public, the new location will remain secret until the perpetrators are caught and brought to justice. In related developments, the sudden closure of LoudCloud is being investigated by authorities for alleged insider trading and fraudulent financial transactions.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Honeydew and Beaker Trounce Gordon for Top Science Honors
Honeydew and Beaker interviewed live on KNN
EXETER, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, the British Association for the Advancement of Science reported that Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker from Muppet Labs have been named the UK's top scientists. The pair easily defeated crackpot inventor and evil genius, Professor Gordon, another key contender for the award.
Speaking to KNN shortly after accepting the award, Honeydew who is better known as Dr Bunsen, said that he and his assistant Beaker were eminently suitable to receive the award as they had blown up far more things than anyone else. Beaker meeped in agreement. Commenting on his latest work, Honeydew said he is developing a large heater to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative. Disappointingly, no explosions took place during the interview.
A fuming Gordon told KNN he was not amused and added that he suspected the whole event was rigged by arch-nemesis Maximillian Bartus. Saying that the latex magnate was "out to get him," a highly-charged Gordon promised swift action against both BartCorp and Muppet Labs (a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).
KNN will provide highly biased live coverage of the event.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Unauthorized Clown School Draws Fire
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking developments, the existence of an unauthorized Clown School headed by a person calling himself the Jester (holy #@$%, Batman!) has come to light. Born in the Year of the Monkey, among the sordid interests of this person appear to be sex drugs. This interest appears to be unique within the blogging community and a rise in the sildenafil citrate futures market remains unlikely. The treacherous Monster also appears to be in league with this individual.
In comments to the media, Kahuna declared that the sublime arts of clowning and buffoonery were natural traits that could not be taught in schools. He added that cease and desist orders would be issued shortly and reserved His right to arm bears and scramble the flying attack porcupines.
KNN will provide unbiased coverage of the developing situation.
In comments to the media, Kahuna declared that the sublime arts of clowning and buffoonery were natural traits that could not be taught in schools. He added that cease and desist orders would be issued shortly and reserved His right to arm bears and scramble the flying attack porcupines.
KNN will provide unbiased coverage of the developing situation.
Jet-Powered Beer Cooling Unveiled
TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In his continuing research into gas-turbine engines, Kahuna has discovered non-standard use of the technology.
Simon Jansen from New Zealand, for instance, has constructed a Jet-Powered Beer Cooler that uses Liquid Petroleum Gas (LPG) as fuel. Rather than use the output power of the engine to drive conventional refrigeration equipment, this device relies on the rapid expansion of LPG from liquid to gas (drawing energy from the surroundings) in order to provide the cooling effect. Guinness Draught beer has been successfully chilled down to 2° Celsius using the homemade cooling system.
These extreme methods of refrigeration fall within the meaning of buffoonery and Simon Jansen has been declared a large clown.
Kahuna cautioned that the dastardly Professor Gordon was quite likely to attempt replicating this form of cooling at his rural hideout, possibly using an array of General Electric GE90-115B high-bypass turbofan engines to usher in the next ice age (not to mention a fuel crisis). This appears to be in line with his hidden agenda to become the Clarence Birdseye of the 21st century.
Gordon was not available for comment on these latest accusations.
Simon Jansen from New Zealand, for instance, has constructed a Jet-Powered Beer Cooler that uses Liquid Petroleum Gas (LPG) as fuel. Rather than use the output power of the engine to drive conventional refrigeration equipment, this device relies on the rapid expansion of LPG from liquid to gas (drawing energy from the surroundings) in order to provide the cooling effect. Guinness Draught beer has been successfully chilled down to 2° Celsius using the homemade cooling system.
These extreme methods of refrigeration fall within the meaning of buffoonery and Simon Jansen has been declared a large clown.
Kahuna cautioned that the dastardly Professor Gordon was quite likely to attempt replicating this form of cooling at his rural hideout, possibly using an array of General Electric GE90-115B high-bypass turbofan engines to usher in the next ice age (not to mention a fuel crisis). This appears to be in line with his hidden agenda to become the Clarence Birdseye of the 21st century.
Gordon was not available for comment on these latest accusations.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Gordon Escapes after Lobster Tip-off
Night-vision cameras captured Gordon's spectacular escape in GITT
COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- International master criminal and crackpot inventor, Professor Gordon narrowly escaped the long arm of the law last week and sped-off in his new automobile, the GITT Mk2. Wanted for questioning regarding an illegal banana plantation in the Bahamas, Gordon was about to be arrested by the local constabulary while dining at a popular seafood restaurant. However, the evil genius evaded arrest and made off at considerable speed in his vehicle.
It is widely believed that Gordon had been tipped-off by some form of message embedded in his lobster thermidor. The proprietors of the seafood establishment, however, denied any involvement in the incident. Local law-enforcement officers are continuing investigations. Gordon was not available for comment.
Kahuna Returns
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- After a break of many weeks, Kahuna announced today that He is back. Explaining that his absence was due to a much-needed vacation, Kahuna added that new postings could be expected shortly. In the meantime, the Blogger status bar has been activated and the blog registered with Google for purposes of site searching. The email post feature has also been enabled to allow posts to be emailed to unsuspecting members of the public, directly from the blog.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Gordon Secretly Constructing GITT Mk2
Photographs of GITT Mk2 obtained covertly from the premises of Gordon Industries
KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- News breaking from the rural hideout of Professor Gordon indicates that the crackpot inventor is secretly constructing the Gordon Industries Twenty Thousand (GITT Mk2). The new vehicle, disguised as a Mazda Familia, is rumored to be fitted with a possibly stolen sequential transmission and fuel-injection system. This move away from carburetion has apparently been the key learning from Gordon's disastrous government-sponsored research program in Cuba. At least as far as his personal set of wheels is concerned.
Gordon is apparently making his way up to the Gordon Industries Forty Thousand, which he believes will be a GIFT. Critics however, disagreed stating that Gordon would get the GIST of things by the time he worked his way up to the Gordon Industries Sixty Thousand.
Gordon was not available for comment, having set the New Toy Protocol (NTP) bit. Kahuna, however, revealed that his operatives at the Bogusan Empire are armed with photographic equipment when GITT Mk2 is expected to make its debut. KNN will provide live coverage of the event.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)