Honeydew and Beaker Trounce Gordon for Top Science Honors

Honeydew and Beaker interviewed live on KNN

EXETER, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, the British Association for the Advancement of Science reported that Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker from Muppet Labs have been named the UK's top scientists. The pair easily defeated crackpot inventor and evil genius, Professor Gordon, another key contender for the award.

Speaking to KNN shortly after accepting the award, Honeydew who is better known as Dr Bunsen, said that he and his assistant Beaker were eminently suitable to receive the award as they had blown up far more things than anyone else. Beaker meeped in agreement. Commenting on his latest work, Honeydew said he is developing a large heater to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative. Disappointingly, no explosions took place during the interview.

A fuming Gordon told KNN he was not amused and added that he suspected the whole event was rigged by arch-nemesis Maximillian Bartus. Saying that the latex magnate was "out to get him," a highly-charged Gordon promised swift action against both BartCorp and Muppet Labs (a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).

KNN will provide highly biased live coverage of the event.

Unauthorized Clown School Draws Fire

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking developments, the existence of an unauthorized Clown School headed by a person calling himself the Jester (holy #@$%, Batman!) has come to light. Born in the Year of the Monkey, among the sordid interests of this person appear to be sex drugs. This interest appears to be unique within the blogging community and a rise in the sildenafil citrate futures market remains unlikely. The treacherous Monster also appears to be in league with this individual.

In comments to the media, Kahuna declared that the sublime arts of clowning and buffoonery were natural traits that could not be taught in schools. He added that cease and desist orders would be issued shortly and reserved His right to arm bears and scramble the flying attack porcupines.

KNN will provide unbiased coverage of the developing situation.

Jet-Powered Beer Cooling Unveiled

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In his continuing research into gas-turbine engines, Kahuna has discovered non-standard use of the technology.

Simon Jansen from New Zealand, for instance, has constructed a Jet-Powered Beer Cooler that uses Liquid Petroleum Gas (LPG) as fuel. Rather than use the output power of the engine to drive conventional refrigeration equipment, this device relies on the rapid expansion of LPG from liquid to gas (drawing energy from the surroundings) in order to provide the cooling effect. Guinness Draught beer has been successfully chilled down to 2° Celsius using the homemade cooling system.

These extreme methods of refrigeration fall within the meaning of buffoonery and Simon Jansen has been declared a large clown.

Kahuna cautioned that the dastardly Professor Gordon was quite likely to attempt replicating this form of cooling at his rural hideout, possibly using an array of General Electric GE90-115B high-bypass turbofan engines to usher in the next ice age (not to mention a fuel crisis). This appears to be in line with his hidden agenda to become the Clarence Birdseye of the 21^st century.

Gordon was not available for comment on these latest accusations.

Gordon Escapes after Lobster Tip-off

Night-vision cameras captured Gordon's spectacular escape in GITT

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- International master criminal and crackpot inventor, Professor Gordon narrowly escaped the long arm of the law last week and sped-off in his new automobile, the GITT Mk2. Wanted for questioning regarding an illegal banana plantation in the Bahamas, Gordon was about to be arrested by the local constabulary while dining at a popular seafood restaurant. However, the evil genius evaded arrest and made off at considerable speed in his vehicle.

It is widely believed that Gordon had been tipped-off by some form of message embedded in his lobster thermidor. The proprietors of the seafood establishment, however, denied any involvement in the incident. Local law-enforcement officers are continuing investigations. Gordon was not available for comment.

Kahuna Returns

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- After a break of many weeks, Kahuna announced today that He is back. Explaining that his absence was due to a much-needed vacation, Kahuna added that new postings could be expected shortly. In the meantime, the Blogger status bar has been activated and the blog registered with Google for purposes of site searching. The email post feature has also been enabled to allow posts to be emailed to unsuspecting members of the public, directly from the blog.

Gordon Secretly Constructing GITT Mk2

Photographs of GITT Mk2 obtained covertly from the premises of Gordon Industries

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- News breaking from the rural hideout of Professor Gordon indicates that the crackpot inventor is secretly constructing the Gordon Industries Twenty Thousand (GITT Mk2). The new vehicle, disguised as a Mazda Familia, is rumored to be fitted with a possibly stolen sequential transmission and fuel-injection system. This move away from carburetion has apparently been the key learning from Gordon's disastrous government-sponsored research program in Cuba. At least as far as his personal set of wheels is concerned.

Gordon is apparently making his way up to the Gordon Industries Forty Thousand, which he believes will be a GIFT. Critics however, disagreed stating that Gordon would get the GIST of things by the time he worked his way up to the Gordon Industries Sixty Thousand.

Gordon was not available for comment, having set the New Toy Protocol (NTP) bit. Kahuna, however, revealed that his operatives at the Bogusan Empire are armed with photographic equipment when GITT Mk2 is expected to make its debut. KNN will provide live coverage of the event.

The Zen of Sysadmins

Here's that little gem from the Memorable Quotes from alt.sysadmin.recovery

We are at One with our work. If you disturb our work, our foot will be at One with your ass. Sadly, you won't be at One with anything thereafter. You'll be in lots of little pieces we call bits, some of which are at One with themselves, and others, which are at Zero with themselves, but none of which will be at One with you.

- J Gostin

Picasa Es Su Casa?

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- Powerful clowns at Google Inc., have decided to unleash buffoonery upon the planet by acquiring Picasa and making the software available free to the Chosen. And just in case that didn't do the job, the new web-based rich text editor most certainly will. May you live long and blog!

Cuban Carburetor Crisis Brewing

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- In breaking news from Havana, Cuban Chief Scientist, Professor Gordon announced that he had succeeded in fabricating a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor. The announcement was received with considerable skepticism as Gordon's previous "working" models simply did not, and quite explosively so.

Critics took a dim view of the developing situation and warned that this could be yet another rich mixture, given Gordon's notorious background in pyrotechnics. Combustion, they added, may not be confined exclusively to the engine manifold. Injecting fuel into the already flammable situation, some experts speculated that Gordon may have in fact, been working on a hitherto untried gasoline-driven external combustion engine.

Speaking to journalists at a press conference held at the Palace of the Revolution, Gordon announced that his breakthrough came about when he experimented with a new butterfly value design constructed entirely from saucepan-grade aluminium. Although, he refused to divulge further details, the unexpected news sparked fears of an alumimum shortage and drove prices in the commodities market sharply upward. Analysts believed, however that prices would stabilize by the close of trading tomorrow, once Gordon blew up yet another vintage Chevy.

Gordon was appointed to his post in June by Cuban leader Fidel Castro Ruz, with a mandate to accelerate growth in the ailing carburetor industry. Progress, however, has been disappointing and Gordon's engineering knowledge has been widely criticized.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

"Kahuna" Looking to Relocate Hooch Operation

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed reports coming in just a short while ago indicate that the self-proclaimed despot of Panadura and undisputed Kasippu King "Kahuna" is looking to relocate his hooch operations.

"Kahuna" is reportedly harboring serious concerns about the security of his covert operation spot in the middle of a highly residential area of Panadura. This is following the recent expose on CircusOne by undercover sleuths.

There is speculation that "Kahuna" is attempting to acquire a forest reserve in the Kukule Ganga area of central Sri Lanka as his new hideout and distillery. It is alleged that a sum of close to LKR 200,000 in bribes will be doled out to forestry officials over the course of next week - a paltry figure considering the land is valued at close to LKR 5 million.

"Kahuna" was not available for comment.

The Gordon Wind Tunnel Saga: The Untold Story

ST KAHUNABURG, Russia -- In unexpected developments, Kahuna disclosed the story behind the Gordon wind tunnel exposé reported Friday. Vacationing at His Winter Palace in St Kahunaburg (formerly Kahunagrad), He admitted that a careless comment by Professor Gordon had inspired the story. Aware of the high PFB (Potential for Blogging), Kahuna had then recruited the Monster and hatched a plot to bogotify Gordon, backed with photographic evidence. Kahuna refused to discuss the terms of the deal but confirmed that the Monster was offered placement in the Witness Protection Program.

Initial attempts to infiltrate the porcupine and wild-cat infested hideout of Gordon in the backwoods of Kendaliyaddapaluwa was confounded by bad weather. However, the incriminating evidence was finally obtained Thursday, while his largeness was blissfully occupied in the customary morning ablutions.

Having acquired the keys to GITT, the Monster slipped the transmission into neutral and pushed the device out of its parking bay. Thereafter, the air-brakes were set in an open position and dirty was done using Gordon's own photographic equipment. GITT was then pushed back into its parking bay and traces of buffoonery removed. The Monster alleges that he had to bathe twice due to these exertions. These allegations however, have not been independently verified.

Despite obtaining the evidence, blogging the post was delayed due to the lack of appropriate serial bus infrastructure at the premises of the Bogusan Empire. The lack of an appropriate data cable caused hours of delay until the such time a suitable instance of the same could be sourced through channels which are best left undisclosed.

Upon discovering the breach in his defenses and the Monster's involvement, Gordon fumed that "there are traitors in my midst" and threatened to revoke the Monster's riding privileges in GITT. Analysts cautioned these moves saying that Gordon was attempting a stable-door closure after the proverbial horse had bolted and were seen having a rollicking good laugh. Gordon was reportedly not amused and has been seen threatening retaliation against those involved in the hilarious episode.

Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) Fails Wind Tunnel Test

File photos of GITT with air-brakes fully extended (Copyright © 2004 The Monster)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka --– In late-breaking news, the notorious Professor Gordon was implicated in a collision with a stationary object on St Michael's Road while attempting a risky air-braking maneuver in his automobile.

Experts believe that Gordon was attempting to use St Michael's Road as a wind tunnel to test the air-braking capability of his latest vehicle, the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) by simultaneously opening all four doors. However, disaster struck during the test when an unexpected force 7 wind gusting from the Indian Ocean rammed the vehicle into a nearby lamppost at high velocity causing some damage to the non-molecularly-bonded shell. It appears that Gordon's air-brakes provided additional lift instead of drag at the crucial moment. Scientists from NASA'’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, CA suggested that Gordon should have been prepared to fire the retro-rockets to avoid a collision.

Critics scoffed at Gordon'’s experiments and pointed out that air-braking capability was available to one Michael Knight in later models of the Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT) several decades ago. They also added that KITT did not usually run into lampposts. A spokesperson for the Foundation for Law and Government (FLAG) refused to be drawn into the controversy, but stated that Gordon’'s shady past was the subject of a recent investigation involving a missing shipment of capacitors.

Speaking to reporters shortly after the incident, Gordon said it was a minor mishap caused by unusual weather conditions and added that he believed the hidden hand of Kahuna was behind the accident. Responding to allegations, Kahuna denied any involvement in the accident stating that his able minions usually attended to matters of weather and climate. He also denied any falling out with Gordon over the naming of the recently founded Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language. Reliable sources, nevertheless maintained that Gordon had expressed great displeasure on Kahuna’s name appearing first in the name of the institute.

The Monster, Ganemulla Bureau Chief of the Kahuna News Network (KNN) also contributed to this post by obtaining photographic evidence of Gordon's automobile being tested at his no-longer secret hideout in rural Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza: The Math Behind the Pizza

TROY, New York -- In His continuing research on pizza, Kahuna has unearthed Paul Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza originally published here in the Project Galactic Guide, August AD 1994.

While Paul Clegg is more commonly known for his work with Project Galactic Guide, what is not so commonly known is his work with the Grand Unification Theory.

The Grand Unification Theory, that is, of Delivered Pizza.

One particularly boring weekend, while gaming with some friends in the basement of one of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's lecture halls, one of Paul's friends had some pizza delivered. Upon receipt of the pizza, which was, apparently, on time but late as usual, Paul noted their response to the temperature of the pizza.

"It's not very hot," they said. Almost immediately, the clockworkings of Paul's brain, dusty though they were, set into motion, pondering the mathematics behind the delivered pizza.

"Is it any good?" Paul asked. And in reply, his friend, with a mouth full of not-quite-hot pizza, mumbled an unexcited affirmation.

Paul then thought that perhaps the quality of a pizza was somehow related to the temperature of the pizza. He also then theorized that the warmth of the pizza was, of course, indirectly proportional to the time it took for the pizza to arrive.

This set down the framework for one of the basic principles and formulas for determining the quality of a delivered pizza. In recognition for his brilliant discoveries in the field of Pizza Delivery Mathematics, the entire team of researchers working in the field named the unit of measure for pizza quality the "Clegg." Eventually, the quality equation was filled out to a more robust form, as shown below:

                             P T

                       Q = -------

                           t (1+I)

Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Cleggs, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end.

I is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. I takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, and the scale has been named "The Toigo Scale," in honor of the man who added it to the equation, Mark Toigo, a chemical engineer at RPI. To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit.

An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Cleggs, with a price of about $12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Toigo Scale.

Amazed with this initial discovery, Paul and his compatriots, who may, or may not, have included Mark Toigo, Sam Blue, Deb Atwood, Kevin Allen, Shawn Havranek, Nigel Westlake, and Brian Moore, set out to derive some more mathematical truths behind delivered pizza. What you'll find below is a somewhat disjointed collection of the more important findings made on that glorious night.

1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation:

             Beta

         t = ----

              D



         Where Beta is a constant in m * s.

2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg):

                      P(avg) T(avg) Alpha

          lifetime = ---------------------

                             Q(avg)

Check the units. They work out.

3. The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza.

4. Shawn's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza.

5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity.

6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "Debs," and R_c is the "Deb Constant."

                                    R

                                     c

                         f       = -----

                          cheese   sauce

7. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation:

            (sum(leftturns)-sum(rightturns)mv

thickness = ----------------------------------

                     f       m       a    R

                      cheese  cheese  car

8. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly.

9. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a Domino's Pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver.

9a. Corollary to the Blue Effect: A Domino's Pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time.

9b. Corollary to the Corollary: The average police response time is much much much greater than the response time of a Troy Ambulance.

10. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120.

11. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to:

                        2

                       n

                      e

12. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant.

Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws.

There, it's a lot clearer now.

Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101)

ROSS ICE SHELF, Antarctica -- In unexpected developments, Professor Gordon and Kahuna have conspired to unleash Absolute Buffoonery (AB) upon the general public by founding the Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language.

Headquartered in picturesque Antarctica overlooking the Ross Sea, the vision of new institute is to completely bogotify language as we know it. To prove their point, the menaces to society have unveiled an excerpt of their Translation Look-aside Buffer (TLB) for the native tongue:

BASIC (Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code) = puhunukaruwan udesaa woo bahu-prayojanawath sankethaathmaka upades deemey sangnaawa

C# = ul C

CSMA/CD (Carrier-Sense Multiple-Access/Collision Detection) = kriyaakaari maadya sanvedi bahu labaageneema/getum seweema

COBOL (Common Business Oriented Language) = bahulawa thibena vyaaparikayan udesaa woo baashawa

CLR (Common Language Runtime) = podu bhaasha duwanaya

DMZ (De-Militarized Zone) = yuda batayingen thora pradeshaya

DOS (Disk Operating System) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

DOS/VSE (Disk Operating System/Virtual Storage Extended) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/adbhootha lesa gabada digukarana lada

FC-AL (Fiber Channel Arbitrated Loop) = kendi naalikaa samatha vatarauma

Firewall = gini-thaappaya

FORTRAN (Formula Translation) = soothra pariwarthanaya

HACMP (High Availability Cluster Multi-Processing) = bahulawa labaagathaheki pokuru bahu-sekaseema

HAGEO (High Availability Geographic Cluster) = bahulawa labaagathaheki bhoogoleeya pokura

IBM (International Business Machines) = anthar-jaathika vyaaparika yanthra

OS (Operating System) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

OS/VS2/MVS (Operating System/Virtual Storage 2/Multiple Virtual Storage) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/deveni bhootha gabadawa/bahu bhootha gabadawa

PABX (Private Automatic Branch Exchange) = pudgalika swayankreeya athu huwamaaruwa

PL/SQL (Procedural Language/Structured Query Language) = kriyaa patipata baashawa/piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

SSA (Serial Storage Architecture) = polimaakara gabada gruha nirmaanaya

SCSI (Small Computer Systems Interface) = kudaa pariganaka padhdhathi muhunuwara

SQL (Structured Query Language) = piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

TCP/IP (Transmission Control Protocol/Internet Protocol) = vikaashana paalana piliwetha/antharjaala piliwetha

TLB (Translation Look-aside Buffer) = pariwarthanayedi ahakabalana bufferaya

Videoconferencing = veediyoe sammanthrana kereema

VM (Virtual Machine) = bhootha yanthraya

VM/CMS (Virtual Machine/Conversational Monitor System) = bhootha yanthraya/kathabas nirikshana padhdhathiya

VPN (Virtual Private Network) = bhootha pudgalika jaalaya

VPN Firewall = bhootha pudgalika jaala gini-thaappaya

In related news, the Surgeon General warned that excessive laughter may lead to shortness of breath and dizzy spells.

Catbert Ruffles Hair with Keyboard Styling Bid

LOS GATOS, California Republic -- Self-styled fashion mogul and Former Reference Clown Catbert rocked the fashion establishment last week by announcing his latest creation: keyboard styling. Denying he had melted half the keys on his notebook attempting to dry them with a hair dryer after a catastrophic beverage spill, Catbert touted them as the latest in fashion. Outraged fashion houses from Milan to New York demanded why Catbert required the use of a hair dryer and speculated if at all he knew how to operate one.

Initial indications from the Management Information Systems division of the Bogusan Empire suggested they were not pleased with Catbert's latest antics. The Head of the all-powerful division is reported to have offered Catbert a more ruggedized notebook in the form of a stone tablet and a chisel.

The Shiny-headed One was detained by Management Information Systems and not immediately available for comment.

The Dreamer's Desk

Geoffrey Bawa's desk looks out towards Sigiriya (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- The desk where the late master architect Geoffrey Bawa dreamed sits alone on the landing looking out towards Sigiriya.

Reflections in the Pond

Reflections in the pond at the eco-park (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna experiments with light and shadow at the eco-park with the sun almost directly overhead with an exposure of 1/200th of a second and an aperture of f/6.3. Other members of the expedition were consorting with reptiles at the time of this capture.

The Bell in Silhouette

Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel, captured against the western horizon a few hours before sunset using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP, 1/400th of a second exposure and an aperture of f/8. Several large clowns were observed ringing the bell at various times during the expedition.

Kahuna Returns to the Woods

KAHUNAVILLE, Connecticut (Formerly MA) - Spokesmen for Kahuna told Associate Press, that a team of behavioral science experts headed by Kahuna himself, the world renowned animal behavioral science expert famous for his research on cows, has successfully concluded an expedition to Kandalama. This is was first time Kahuna has returned to the field after bizarre accident in Kotmale involving a bull sent him to the hospital. The incident almost prompted Kahuna to give up all research on cows. This time, however, Kahuna and his team managed to conduct the experiments without an incident. Kahuna said the expedition was a success and that the findings will be published shortly. He acknowledged the support of his team members and added the research on animals was specially rewarding when conducted with his fellow researchers. Other members of Kahuna’s team were unavailable for comments.

Reagan Remembered

ENFIELD, Connecticut – The director of postal services has released a memo saying the postal services will be suspended on Friday in respect to the death of the ‘President’. I assume he is talking about the former president since the current one is still alive. The financial industry also comes to a standstill on Friday as the last rites for the former president is conducted in Washington DC. The former president will be dearly remembered for his crack down on social programs, escalating spending on defense, Iran-Contra scandal, demolishing the wall between church and state, arming the Taleban and for being buddies with Saddam Hussein.