Gordon Convenes EGM

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In breaking news, it has come to light that an extraordinary general meeting of Clan Gordon has been convened in Georgia under the cover of darkness.

The Monster has arrived in Alpharetta for this unholy gathering convened by his clown sibling, crackpot inventor Professor Gordon. The agenda is believed to include plans to take over the eastern seaboard by neutralising St Vandoofus in New York while also dealing with the threat of Gordon’s arch-nemesis Bartus Maximus, who has ensconced himself in the California Republic.

Speaking to KNN later today, Kahuna emphasised that Gordon's EGM would not constitute a Circus unless the arch-climatoligist declared either his Autonomous Wife or Offspring a clown to arrive at the required quota of three.

KNN will monitor this developing situation.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 21

*f* has restored diplomatic ties once more.

- Kahuna, using a regular expression to represent Libyan Leader Muammar al-Gaddafi due to excessive English transliterations of the latter’s name being available.

You realize I'm the only clown on the planet that would understand that statement?

- Gordon, correctly evaluating Kahuna’s regular expression.

He should just go as a symbol like that idiot formerly known as Prince.

- Gordon, proposing to set up a symbol table for the Libyan Leader.

I just calculated that the 'f' seems to be the only usable constant.

- Kahuna, reporting his conclusions after exhaustive research on transliterating the Libyan Leader’s name.

They've probably found oil there.

- Gordon, suggesting crude reasons behind the thawing of relations with Tripoli.

You're speaking fluent sheep now.

- Kahuna, complimenting Gordon on his command of the language.

Your personal magnetism is getting you down now. Would you like to be degaussed?

- Kahuna to Gordon, offering an attractive solution to the latter being inundated by offshore clowns.

Well I don't want you declining and falling about.

- Kahuna, refusing to serve strong alcoholic beverages to Darth Teddy.

I don't decline and fall about. I gracefully collapse.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I am as gentle as a honey roasted lamb shank.

- Darth Teddy, on being accused by Kahuna of being boisterous.

I would have both if it were up to me.

- Darth Teddy, opting for both the cheesecake and bananas with rum.

I washed all my pants, so I can't go anywhere.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of general undress.

Are you are going to buy me weed?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna would be settling his hash.

I am an innocent little flower that you are trying to take advantage of. All I can do is call out and hope some kind soul hears me.

- Darth Teddy, engaging in a politically motivated harangue against Kahuna.

I just like dangling a carrot in front of your nose from a safe distance.

- Darth Teddy, declaring certified wuss status in the presence of Kahuna.

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

- Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

Something this decadent might be illegal.

- Darth Teddy, raising a point of law regarding Kahuna’s cheesecake.

However, it was quite hilarious watching you try to evade him.

- Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's efforts at avoiding being groped by Timmy the Ambidextrous.

You’re entertaining bears in the dead of night.

- Gordon, discovering Darth Teddy sampling culinary delights at Kahuna’s abode.

Welcome to Google Mars.

- Kahuna, predicting the inevitable.

You recall one Michael Knight had a button like this some years ago.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on the M Dynamic mode button to instantly boost engine output from 400 to 500 hp, in the 2006 BMW M5.

You will schedule air raids for each of the alliance member offices.

- Gordon to Kahuna, categorically refusing to ratify the 3.9 terabyte Holographic Versatile Disk (HVD) standard.

Including the Nippon Paint Company?

- Kahuna, clarifying the scope of air raids against the HVD Alliance.

I wonder if the NSA is monitoring this.

- Kahuna, musing on the secrecy of his conversations with Gordon.

Where is my pizza?

- Her Royal Highness, demanding Kahuna’s culinary creations in Sydney.

What do you call that thingy with the data layer, presentation layer and so on?

- Darth Teddy, on the OSI Reference Model, two degrees later.

Unfortunately things can’t have improved that much since you are obviously alive.

- Ching the Merciless, taking a dim view of Kahuna’s continued presence.

If you plan to have me hugged to death by a girl that’s okay.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s plan on having him hugged by Darth Teddy.

He was born to stand there and look pretty. And he does it well.

- Darth Teddy, on Her Royal Highness’s edible sibling.

Have you heard of bookmarks?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, providing the Circus URL yet again.

That requires two clicks.

- The Regulator, defending her reasons for shunning bookmarks.

I want to know whether you killed him or not with your so-called culinary delights.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, issuing a habeas corpus writ to produce Darth Teddy.

Obviously the food has dulled his senses.

- The Regulator, on Darth Teddy.

You actually own an EOS 30D?

- The Regulator, expressing concern regarding Kahuna’s latest acquisition.

The Eyes of Waffles

The Eyes of Waffles (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Waffles, on an inspection of Kahuna's bed, pauses to be photographed.

Captured on 27^th May 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) on automatic (ISO 400, f/4.5 aperture and 1/60^th of a second shutter). 

An Engineer and his Cuisine

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Newly crowned food critic and world famous eater Darth Teddy was entertained to a large meal (including dessert) by one Big Kahuna a couple of days ago. Through the naked eye this would seem like a fairly normal occurence, however the catch to this tummy-filling episode was that all items on the menu were concocted by Kahuna himself. For those of you who know Kahuna this might be a cause to regain your youthful exuberance and roll on the floor with hysterical laughter. On the contrary though, Kahuna personally prepared pizzas have put franchises such as Pizza Hut and Dominoes to shame and it might be said that if Kahuna went into large-scale pizza production said franchises might need to pack up and leave the island. Therefore, well-known food critic (fame happens fast) Darth Teddy has graded Kahuna's pizza's B+ with definite scope for greater things to come.

Moving on to the dessert (drool) yes that's right (drool). The Chef had prepared a New York style Cheesecake which was served with strawberries (slobber) which has a very bright future to it if released to the general public. This cheesecake has received an A by world-famous critic Darth Teddy.

The next day paved a path for a another dessert (due to inability to consume two deserts in one day for fear of death) which primarily consisted of banana's and rum (yum). This was tasted by chief critic Darth Teddy and guests namely, the Groper (Timmy) and +1. In a unanimous decision this dessert with alcohol as its primary base was given a hands down A by all present.

Therefore, comments bordering on scepticism towards Kahuna's culinary talents made by DT before he was knighted as world-famous food critic have been hastily retracted in hope that further invitations to gorge himself might be made in the near future. For those of you that are not in a position to experience this culinary delight can contact me for detailed explanations.

Sparky, Through the Eyes of EOS

Sparky, Through the Eyes of EOS (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Sparky poses for Kahuna mucking about with his new camera. The Eyes of EOS have been declared to be highly disturbing, and not merely from the perspective of Kahuna's bank manager.

Captured on 13^th May 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/4.5) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/100^th of a second. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 20

By the way, is your dog okay?

- Timmy, expressing concern upon hearing of Kahuna’s squabble with His household canine.

This is what happens when you try to genetically mutate an animal against the forces of evolution and then uproot it from its natural environment and implant it in an urban one. It bites!

- Vandoofus, exposing the underlying reasons behind Kahuna being bitten by His household canine.

Right up your alley.

- Kahuna, on learning that Darth Teddy was watching Fun with Dick and Jane.

It appears we're venturing into the paranormal now.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told the Baroness considered their aviation misadventures to be outside the mainstream.

This can apparently happen when a mother with three children flying from Narita makes a mistake in the wee hours.

- Kahuna to Gordon, explaining the mysterious circumstances under which His baggage vanished.

Why does everyone write so much?

- Vandoofus, indicating displeasure at Kahuna’s long-winded discourses on the Circus.

Probably got intimidated by my presence.

- Vandoofus, commenting on Darth Teddy’s vanishing act during a conference.

Would you like my sausage?

- Darth Teddy, offering Vandoofus a bratwurst.

I think your sausage is hazardous.

- Kahuna, taking a toxic view of Darth Teddy’s sausage.

As far as I know [Darth Teddy] is in line to become my next mini-me.

- Vandoofus, unveiling plans for Darth Teddy.

Turning up at 3 am is not acceptable.

- Darth Teddy, expressing irritation at being visited by Kahuna in the wee hours.

He shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a cow.

- Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, on being told that Huggles was constructing a milkshake.

You should not be letting [Huggles] near any electrical gadgets!

- Her Royal Highness, reporting a botched milkshake construction due to a blender bungled by the serial hugger.

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

- Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

I want Gordon.

- Darth Teddy, desperately seeking Gordon.

Holy crap.

- Darth Teddy, hearing that Kahuna planned to cook dinner.

Oh, it’s the grizzly.

- Gordon, realizing that Darth Teddy was at the remote end of an instant messaging session.

I prefer Kodiak please.

- Darth Teddy, indicating his preference to Gordon.

What the fuck are you doing in that idiot’s bedroom?

- Gordon to Darth Teddy, after unearthing the latter in Kahuna’s Chambers.

I always suspected you were a barbarian.

- Gordon, noting that the cheesecake constructed by Kahuna had been labelled a decadent dessert.

Your family is starting to login from various locations.

- Kahuna, filing a formal complaint on the global online presence of Clan Gordon.

You might be firing up the hounds of hell for all I know.

- Gordon, learning that Kahuna was firing up Google Earth.

Hogwash. You could carry many forms of rabies.

- Darth Teddy, declining yet another offer to be bitten by Kahuna.

What is the elevation?

- Kahuna to Gordon, after being told the latitude and longitude of the latter’s stronghold in Georgia.

Gmail will make it simpler by using the Google Earth API to provide the sender's ICBM locator. You can reply ballistically.

- Kahuna to Gordon, expounding His vision for advanced functionality in Gmail.

Select [ ] conventional, [ ] nuclear, [ ] chemical or [ ] biological?

- Gordon, extrapolating the new Gmail user interface.

There'll also be an [ ] I'm feeling lucky today.

- Kahuna, laying down user interface standards.

You are using this service at your own risk. You hereby agree that your actions may be in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and numerous United Nations resolutions on the non-proliferation of weaponry. Google does not guarantee that the delivery will only obliterate the intended location and damage/disturbance to neighbors will be at your own risk. This service is provided as-is and will be subject to the availability of silos.

- Gordon, proposing the new Gmail disclaimer.

You bought a camera didn’t you?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna had succumbed to temptation.

So many windows madame, so little time.

- Darth Teddy, paraphrasing Giacomo Casanova in Lasse Hallström’s 2005 production, Casanova.

Be the flame – not the moth.

- Darth Teddy, emphasising a key message from Lasse Hallström’s Casanova.

I believe I’m still just a spark, not a flame.

- Darth Teddy, denying charges of deep market penetration across Asia and most of Europe.

We’re still trying to put out the fires you lit.

- Kahuna, smouldering at Darth Teddy’s highly flammable frolics.

During the meal, the household feline attempted to mate with it.

- Kahuna to Gordon, reporting Darth Teddy’s attempts at starting a fire with His cat.

You could be screwing too hard.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on inexplicable fusing of light bulbs at the latter’s premises.

It was never a problem before.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

The Invasion of Kahuna and the Cheesecake Saga

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- In broken news, after being uninstalled from the Orient, the self-proclaimed cheesecake engineer Big Kahuna is reported to have had a harrowing experience at Bandaranaike International Airport, Sri Lanka when a member of the female species "mistakenly" aquired his luggage which primarily consisted of used underwear. Viewers are strongly urged to come to their own conclusions regarding this matter.

After departing from said location minus luggage at an un-Godly hour Kahuna then proceeded to disturb the peaceful slumber of Darth Teddy at approximately 0245 hours (GMT+0530) in an effort to pay him a vistit AKA The Invasion of Kahuna. For those of you that are unaware it was infact Darth Teddy that was refered to as "another large clown in mysterious transit" in Kahuna previous post on global CF re-balancing. However after Kahuna disturbance of DT and eventual entry in his space a few sordid conversations took place. Unfortunately the contents of these conversations could not be disclosed as this is a family website. However we understand that the jist of the conversations had to do with the definition of a nymphomaniac based purely on data gathered through personal experience.

One conversation we can shed some light on is Kahuna's claim to have constructed a cheesecake all by himself. We understand that these are the sort of headlines that appear on tabloids around the world and apologize for flaunting it on such a reputed news network. The claim of course was immediately shot down by Darth Teddy on grounds of complete balderdash. The ability to construct an edible cheesecake has been unfortunately vetoed from Kahuna's cababilities by public demand and various health and safety organizations.

In other news the blogorazzi have informed us that Kahuna has bought himself, yes himself, a 1 litre bottle of Bacardi Rum. This is indeed news regarding the self-proclaimed non-alcoholic.

Yes, yes... News just in Kahuna's luggage has been returned to him due to used underwear not meeting specifications.

This is all the news for now we will keep you updated on proceedings and also on the inevitable retaliation of Kahuna towards Darth Teddy on revealing the truth about the Cheesecake Saga.

The Chronicles of Gordia – The Aircraft, the Crackpot and the Bus

ATLANTA, Georgia -- Having departed from Asia, Professor Ebenezer Gordon has emerged in the State of Georgia in the contiguous United States, causing chaos even just a few minutes after landing. It is understood that the commercial aircraft carrying the crackpot inventor narrowly averted a collision at Atlanta International as evidenced by the following conversation with Kahuna.

Gordon : Did I tell you our aircraft almost collided
         with a bus at Atlanta International?
Kahuna : A bus? X-(
Gordon : A bus X-(
Gordon : The plane came to a screeching halt X-(
Kahuna : You will note my bus avoided aircraft X-(
Gordon : It was one of those small Canadair regional
         jet affairs.
Gordon : And a woman pilot.
Kahuna : X-(
Kahuna : @#$@#%#$^#$$@#$@#$#2
Kahuna : Good god.
Gordon : The bus came from the left à la Bajaj.
Kahuna : X-( At Atlanta International?
Gordon : We could see it coming through the portholes.
         However, the pilot could not I presume.
Kahuna : #$@#$@#$@#$
Gordon : She saw it at the last moment and literally
         stomped on the brakes.
Kahuna : I believe side mirrors are not an option.
Gordon : Indeed.
Kahuna : Did she make an announcement?
Gordon : Er no.

Aviation experts believed that Gordon’s personal magnetism may have been to blame for the incident and cautioned that should this continue, he may well attract the wrong kind of attention.

The Gordon Threat Level forecast for today is moderate with chances of afternoon or evening porcupines.

Done For in Dubai or How to Get Your Flight Changed in Ten Easy Steps

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates -- You arrive from Cairo on a decidedly cramped Boeing 777-200 with seats designed to emulate straightjackets without all the messy straps. You’ve learned how to manipulate cutlery without moving your elbows or invading the airspace of the adjacent seat and causing an international incident.

You decide you’d rather alter your flight schedule and go home than spend a minute more than necessary in Dubai. However, you have a problem: your luggage is tagged to Dubai and you don’t want to get a visa to collect your luggage and walk into the Departures Terminal. Fear not, for an elegant brute-force solution has been discovered to this most vexing of dilemmas.

Research conducted in the wee hours of the morning under cranky, sleep-deprived conditions now reveals an easy ten-step solution:

1. Your aircraft will land at Dubai International and park at the outermost parking bay known to humankind. You take the proffered bus to the Arrivals Terminal, avoiding other vehicular traffic including, but not limited to commercial aircraft deciding to move from point A to point B in the dead of the night. Your bus journey will require thirty minutes with frequent stops for the aforementioned commercial aircraft, during which you will be educated on the difference between the Transit and Arrivals Terminals by a perky, recorded message. You feel like sticking a cactus in the announcer’s ass.


2. You disembark at the Arrivals Terminal. You then walk over to the enquiries counter and after exchanging pleasantries, ask of the possiblily to travel on an earlier flight subject to the availability of seats. The clownette-in-session peers into the dark depths of the information system and reveals that seats are indeed, miraculously available. However, the clownette declines to action the request indicating that this can only be done at the all-powerful Transfer Desk B in the Departures Terminal. Said terminal can only be accessed after a perilous altercation with airport security who believe that suspicious materials are embedded in your shoes and insist on X-raying them. Having found nothing, they reluctantly let you pass. You must then take the tunnel to cross the tarmac and arrive at the Departures Terminal.


3. You locate Transfer Desk B, which is located inside Gate 18. You are attempting to access said Transfer Desk in a non-standard fashion and must travel in the reverse direction through security. Strangely, this is allowed.


4. You walk over to an operational counter and stand in line. After many moons, the clown-in-session indicates that you should move to another counter as it is dealing with a difficult request. This process may be proven to be iterative.


5. Having finally reached a counter, you hand over documents and explain your requirement to the clown-in-session (i.e., you wish to travel on an earlier flight). You are met with a blank expression and asked if you have a booking on said earlier flight. You remind yourself that this is why you’re here in the first place and stay calm. The clown-in-session proceeds to tell you to go to “the counter over there” and first obtain a booking on the required flight and then return to its counter.


6. You walk to the counter labelled Commercial and stand in line. A passenger with non-standard requirements hogs the counter for several seasons. Meanwhile, incoming passengers from other flights will flood all operational counters. A group of Hungarians with little knowledge of English attempt to jump your queue. You point them to the right counter using wild, animated gestures. A Sikh gentleman attempting to get to New Delhi due to a death in the family stands behind you and queries what is taking so long, asking if the counter operator is sleeping. You attempt to placate the gentleman. The hog finally leaves having been serviced. You ask the clown-in-session to book you on the next flight home. It punches random symbols on its keyboard, nods wisely and hands back your ticket.


7. You return to stand in line at the previous counter. Queues have lengthened. On finally reaching the counter you inform the clown that you have returned after having obtained a booking for your new flight. The clown peers into its terminal and presses arcane symbols on its keyboard. You wait. More peering and symbol pressing. The clown tells you it can’t find your booking. It then asks you to wait, takes your ticket and goes into the nearby office. You wait. The clown returns. It still can’t find the booking. It obtains the assistance of the clown operating the counter to it’s right. Together, both clowns search for your booking, which decides to continue absconding. They finally tell you that you are not on that flight and must go to the Commercial counter again and ask for a printout of the booking reference. You roll your eyes and express annoyance. They placate you by telling you that you don’t need to stand in line the next time around.


8. You return to the Commercial Counter and wait your turn. You tell the clown-in-session that the clowns at the other counters can’t find the booking and ask for a printout. It rolls its eyes and punches random symbols into its terminal. A printout mysteriously emerges with a booking reference number.


9. You return to the previous counter and bypass the queue. An angry French-Canadian is at the counter demanding a flight to London so that he can meet his connection to Montreal. You wait and make sighing noises and chat up the French-Canadian, who’s just arrived from Vietnam. His sole felony appears to have been to travel a day earlier, resulting in all forward bookings being cancelled as he was a no-show for his original flight. He tells you what he thinks of the airline in language peppered with colorful expletives. The clown-in-session vanishes in the meantime. You wait, discussing airlines with the French-Canadian. The clown-in-session materialises and informs the French-Canadian that he is on standby for a flight to London. The French-Canadian obtains his boarding pass and sprints to the gate.


10. You hand-over the booking reference printout smugly to the clown-in-session. It peers into its terminal and tells you that your flight doesn’t have seats and you will be a standby passenger. You express grave annoyance and tell the clown that there were seats an hour back. It then looks at the booking reference printout and punches into its keyboard as you fume. It transpires that it was looking at the wrong flight. Your baggage claim tags are forwarded to Colombo and you are finally issued your boarding card and asked to have a pleasant flight. At this point, you don’t care if your luggage ends up in Reykjavík. You do the 100-meter dash to the gate, bumping into security who continue to have a strange fascination in your shoes.

It appears that a process consultant from Hell designed this workflow. This is customer service at its very best. Prepare to spend two hours of your life to work out this solution. The moral of this story is to avoid Dubai and fly Carrier Pigeon Airlines next time.

Global CF Re-Balancing Feared

SINGAPORE -- In breaking news, Kahuna is reported to have installed himself in the Orient this morning for reasons that are not entirely clear at this time. Analysts suspected that another round of global CF re-balancing may be on the cards given the instability created by the inter-continental transit of Professor Gordon.

KNN has also learned that a mysterious transit of another large clown may have been taking place simultaneously, thus requiring Kahuna to take evasive action to prevent an excessive wobble being introduced into the Earth's axial rotation.

KNN will provide live coverage of this shaky situation.