Allied Pilots Association Defends Vandoofus Airlines’ Pilot

Fort Worth, TX – An Allied Pilots Association press release reported that the association believes the Vandoofus Airlines crash was caused by a faulty navigation system and a defective main wing. The association also commended the pilot for doing an excellent job under the circumstances. The pilot’s maneuvers, the press release added, minimized the damage to the aircraft and prevented any casualty on the ground. Meanwhile, a spokesmen for Vandoofus Airlines said the company is disappointed with the out come of its first ever flight but said they are happy the incident did not cause any injuries to the pilot or anyone on the ground. The aircraft has already been repaired by the Vandoofus Engineers and is almost flight-ready. The aircraft’s crank shaft and the propeller was replaced and the engineers are awaiting a new main wing. The spokesmen said the airline is expected to resume schedule flights this week and is negotiating with NTSB officials to lift the flight ban on Vandoofus Airlines. The NTSB is expected to lift the restriction on Vandoofus Airlines once the aircraft is fitted with NTSB approved components. The pilot, who is on vacation in Gastonia, North Carolina, is expected to carry out the first test flight after the only aircraft of the Vandoofus Airline fleet has been repaired.

NTSB Grounds Vandoofus Airlines

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) grounded Vandoofus Airlines and launched an immediate investigation into the crash of its sole aircraft, Tuesday. Critics ridiculed this action stating that they were grounded without their only aircraft, anyway.

A spokesman for the NTSB Northeast Regional Office in Parsippany said that initial reports suggest that the aircraft was operating outside its performance envelope given the nature of the structural damage to the main wing. Stay tuned for this developing story.

Vandoofus Airlines Crash on First Flight

Damaged aircraft is expected to be repaired and flight-ready in days.

Skylark Airport, CT - Vandoofus Airlines which started service today crashed on its maiden flight. (Also on it’s second and third flights) The final, and the most successful flight was almost 10 seconds long and the aircraft is believed to have reached speeds up to 50 mph during the ill-fated final flight. The aircraft also reached an altitude of about 100 feet before the pilot declared emergency after loosing control of the aircraft. The black box which was later recovered at the crash site indicated the pilot cut off the power in mid-flight to avoid the aircraft from crashing to a building next to the airfield. The sudden loss of thrust resulting from this maneuver is attributed to the severe damage main wing of the aircraft received which ultimately caused the aircraft to free-fall to the muddy surrounding of the airfield. Reports from the airfield indicate that there were no injuries and the pilot was rescued from the crash site immediately after the crash. Spokesperson for vandoofus Airlines said the aircraft will be repaired and ready for test flights as early as this weekend.

El Gordo in Plumbing Disaster, Bungles Spy Mission

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a strongly-worded statement issued yesterday, Kahuna denied allegations of being involved in the moonshine business and accused the False Prophet aka El Gordo of industrial espionage. El Gordo infiltrated the premises on Sunday disguised as an agricultural expert and asked to see Kahuna's high-tech greenhouse complex. The greenhouses were between harvest cycles at the time and hence devoid of vegetation for good reason.

The agriculturist seemed unduly interested in the sophisticated array of level-triggered switches and pumps used in the complex. Suspicions were raised, however, when it transpired that the so-called expert was ignorant of the fertilization methods of tomatoes and bell peppers. The guard-dogs were released immediately to deal with the situation, but the impostors legged it and escaped before Kahuna could scramble the flying attack-porcupines. No mosquitoes, were involved in the attack although, a passing swarm expressed brief interest in the portly one.

Subsequent investigations have revealed the rationale behind the espionage mission. It has come to light that El Gordo had burned out his water pump as the water level of his well had dropped below the pump intake. Hence the interest in Kahuna's sophisticated technology including, but not limited to mercury-weighted float-switches and sprinkler systems of Israeli origin.

Kahuna promised swift retaliation, noting that the impostor's vehicle had been duly marked by His guard dogs and could now be targeted by His advanced ballistic missile system.

"Kahuna" Distilling Hooch

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A suprise raid conducted by The Real Kahuna on "Kahuna"'s premises yesterday uncovered a covert facility for the distilling of illicit liquor. The raid was conducted following the indication of a high level of activity on the spy satellite that monitors the compound. Initial suspicions were that "Kahuna" was building a "dirty" bomb despite numerous parties suggesting that his capabilities were far more limited.

The entire facility was deviously disguised as a cucumber-growing operation. However the lack of any form of vegetation in the "greenhouse" led to suspicion that there was more to the operation than met the eye.

Investigations at the hidden end of the 'greenhouse' revealed an elaborate system of tanks, pumps, filters and automated switches used for the distilling process. Attempts were made to photograph the equipment only to be met with a swarm of killer mosquitoes and guard-dogs who promptly drove us out of the premises.

It is unknown what the output of the brewery is. Although queries were made about maximum throughput, "Kahuna" refused to divulge any information. "Kahuna"'s dazed appearance at the time of the raid let to (as yet unconfirmed) speculation that he had been sampling the goods just a short while earlier.

Reference Pizza Announced

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In a press release issued today, Kahuna hailed a decision by Italy to unveil the Reference Pizza. Reminiscing on disastrous pizza experiences at numerous restaurants, He said that it was about time action was taken to delete bogus pizza joints from the surface of the planet.

Locations known to have offered bad Pizza are Itza Pizza (the pizza machine broke down when customers ordered pizza), Latin Lizard (new name, same old pizza machine), the Pizzeria (required power-tools to cut the pizza and plates with brakes to prevent them from sliding around in the ambiance of force 6 winds) and of course the esteemed Pizza Hut franchise, where the most bogus pizza on the planet can be found.

In what was considered the last straw, Kahuna blacklisted Pizza Hut by an edict dated 19th January 2004:

I'm forced to issue this advisory after having the most bogus pizza on the planet at messers Pizza Hut. The seafood did not taste of anything having spent time in the sea and the chicken seemed to be more cheese than anything else. In fact the food matched the decor quite well in lack of taste. An autonomous fly buzzing around did not help matters either. Due to the above-mentioned facts, I'm hereby declaring Pizza Hut B-complete. This establishment is now black-listed.

If anyone dares to question this order, I will send a team of Menehune to deal with them.

By Order of Kahuna
[Temporarily operating from the Palace of the Revolution, Havana, Cuba]

The complete story on Pizza standards reported by CNN is below:

Friday, May 28, 2004 Posted: 0240 GMT (1040 HKT)

ROME, Italy (AP) -- Pizza-makers beware: Italy has issued strict guidelines to protect the real Napoletana pizza from bogus copies. The regulations touch on everything from size to ingredients to the type of oven -- and rule-abiding restaurants will receive a special label attesting that real pizza can be eaten there.

The rules, issued by the Agriculture Ministry, are part of Italy's efforts to protect its cuisine across the European Union, although it was not immediately clear what steps would be taken for enforcement.

The guidelines, eight articles printed Tuesday in the country's Official Gazette, rule that real Napoletana pizza must be round, no more than 35 centimeters (14 inches) in diameter, no thicker than 0.3 centimeters (0.1 inches) in the middle and with a crust of about 2 centimeters (0.8 inches).

"The texture must be soft, elastic, easily foldable," the guidelines say.

The norms also specify what kind of flour, yeast, tomatoes and oil must be used. They recognize only three types of real Neapolitan pizza: Marinara, with garlic and oregano; Margherita, with basil and mozzarella cheese from the southern Apennines; and extra-Margherita, with fresh tomatoes, basil and buffalo mozzarella from Campania, the region that includes pizza's hometown, Naples.

The dough must be rolled out manually and baked in wood-burning ovens that can reach the required temperature of 485 Celsius (905 Fahrenheit).

The regulations were approved after surveying pizza-makers in Naples and surrounding areas. Restaurants that abide by the rules will get a label saying their pizza is a "guaranteed traditional specialty."

"These norms protect one of the most ancient and most important gastronomic traditions," said Antonio Pace, owner of one of Naples' oldest pizza restaurants and the president of a pizza-makers' association.

"We don't want the others not to make pizza, only we want them to make it as we make it -- as it should be done," he said Wednesday.

The ANSA news agency estimated that of 23,000 pizza restaurants in Italy -- which make 56 million pizzas each week -- about 200 would seek the certification immediately.

But Pace said he expects the vast majority of restaurants will adhere to the rules to get the label.

Financial daily Il Sole 24 Ore, which like many other Italian newspapers devoted a front-page story Wednesday to the pizza rules, described the move as "an act of love, but a desperate one."

"Pizza is now a stateless, boundless, flag-less food," it said.

Kahuna Launches Photoblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Hot on the heels of syndication, Kahuna has launched photoblogging for the Circus. Images can now be blogged directly to the Circus using Picasa's Hello software. Kahuna, regarded as a photographic menace, has declared this technology to be NB-complete.


Kahuna's experiments with slow shutter speeds using a Sony DSC-V1 (capable of subtracting the Holy Dark Frame) can be seen above. Posted by Hello

El Gordo Spotted in the Hills

PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of El Gordo have been reported from this sleepy university town nestled in the hills of Sri Lanka. A person matching the de Broglie transform of El Gordo and identifying himself as Professor Gordon has been seen roaming the hallowed grounds of the university.

An eye-witness said that the bespectacled Gordon was clad in a white tee-shirt and "trying hard to look academic" as he traversed the faculty buildings in what was apparently a Hamiltonian circuit. Experts were at a loss to explain this behavior, but mused that finding such a circuit was an NP-complete problem, suggesting that more Gordon sightings were likely.

Attempts to contact the Vice Chancellor were unsuccessful, but his Gardner made a statement that given Gordon's considerable mass, he may be attempting to tip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path. The Head of the Department of Mathematics, however, dismissed this idea as "ludicrous" and added that "We're all being taken up the garden path!" When asked if this path was also Hamiltonian, he turned a deep shade of purple and ended the interview abruptly with a series of wild hand gestures. Professor Gordon could not be located for comment.

El Gordo in Illegal Mining Bid

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Arch-villain El Gordo now known as the Patient, has been confined to his rural hideout once more due to a severe case of respiratory illness. A high-profile falling out with the Bacteria Congress over a botched attempt to incapacitate Kahuna is thought to be behind this latest bout of bronchial bogosity.

The report filed earlier today also indicated that the Patient has utilized the Inter-Cough Gap (ICG) to unveil the Ganemulla Institute of Technology (GIT), better known as Galtech. Although, the purpose of the institute was not immediately clear, sources indicated that the Patient was engaged in illegal quarrying and possibly mining bauxite in an attempt to cash in on the soaring aluminium futures market.

Monkey Business Exposed

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Reporting on the continuing drama of the Temple of the Monkey, the Daily Bogon, regarded as the New York Times of the East, spake thus:

There was high drama on the eve of the election of a Deputy Speaker of Parliament today when Jathika Hela Urumaya MP Ven. Kathaluwe Rathanasara Thera who voted with the Government during the election of the Speaker on April 22 was mercilessly beaten up dragged out of his temple and abducted by a gang of six monks at Rawathawatta, Moratuwa last night.

Although, the fundamental components of the Temple of the Monkey were believed to be monks and monkeys (by the Monster's First Law) it has now come to light that the monks are indeed a hitherto undiscovered species of primate, distinct from and subordinate to Macaca sinica. The monkey, it appears is a far more evolved cousin of the monk, given publicly demonstrated instances of behavior.

In related developments, the collective noun for a group of monks was declared to be a gang.

Kahuna Syndicates the Circus

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In ground-breaking developments, Kahuna today announced the syndication of the Circus blog in partnership with Blogger, FeedBurner and Yahoo.

Under the new arrangement, Blogspot will provide an Atom feed of the Circus at the Site Feed URL, enabling any Atom client direct access to the blog.

The Atom feed will also be extracted by FeedBurner and republished in Really Simple Syndication (RSS) format allowing a multitude of clients seamless access to the blog.

Subscribe to the Circus feed through My Yahoo:


The RSS feed is available at:


Experts believe this latest development is part of Kahuna's aggressive strategy to consolidate his position and vanquish the dastardly master criminal El Gordo. When pressed for a comment, Kahuna responded with a hearty "BUWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Vandoofus Work Sloppy, Charges Kahuna

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In late-breaking news, Kahuna accused Vandoofus Technology Services of sloppy ad-concealment work, stating that His personal intervention became necessary to clean up the blog template. Sources close to Kahuna remarked that "They couldn't even get the color right and a little bit of the ad was sticking out."

Bauxite Demand Soars Amidst El Gordo Controversy

LONDON, United Kingdom -- The International Aluminium Institute today revealed an unexpected surge in bauxite demand due to primary aluminium production being driven to record highs.

Industry analysts suspected that this was a consequence of master criminal El Gordo’s attempts at world domination being foiled once again yesterday. A spokesperson for the Institute said that El Gordo should be thwarted more often adding that “It’s good for the foil business.”

However, a highly placed industry source disagreed, saying that the bumper harvest of Idaho potatoes and Kahuna’s cheese and potato food festival was more likely the root cause behind surging demand, as consumers scrambled to bake potatoes in their jackets.

The aluminium futures markets rallied strongly at midday and Kahuna, suspected to have extensive investments in bauxite mines, was widely expected to make a killing.

Kahuna Seeking to Increase Size

KAHUNAVILLE, NC - To compensate for the poor quality of the blog’s substance by its main contributor, Kahuna has invested heavily on improving its look-and-feel in a desperate attempt to increase the blog’s membership size. Thanks to Google’s new templates along with the new features, Kahuna has managed to give the blog a whole new life. The ugly green splattered all over your monitor among a hideous dark blue gives the blog a new feel. Its new features such as being able to blog via mail and having the ability to comment on the postings are attractive to the users and I am certain will be used extensively. However, we are yet to see if there will be a significant increasing in the participation or the size of the membership.

El Gordo Indisposed

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Monstrous sources revealed that the False Prophet was confined to his rural hideout due to a some species of infection of the lower respiratory tract. Pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline has been implicated in providing life-support services.

Hidden Hand Revealed Behind Breakthrough in El Gordo Case

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In an unexpected twist to the El Gordo affair, it was revealed that the hidden (and presumably gloved) hand of latex magnate Maximillian Bartus was behind the uncovering of El Gordo's plans for world domination. Sources speaking on the condition of anonymity said that a long-running feud between Bartus and El Gordo was responsible for this latest turn of events. When contacted, the gloved one denied involvement and said his lips were sealed. El Gordo was leading the FBI in a high-speed car chase across state lines without hands-free capability and declined comment.

Circus Re-launched!

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking news, the Circus has been given a re-launch using the latest technology from Blogger.com. It should be noted that some elements in the Bogusan Empire objected to the use of the color green in a previous template, raising questions in pachydermal circles.

FBI Manhunt for El Gordo - Scheme for World Domination Exposed

REDWOOD SHORES, Republic of California -- The FBI issued an APB for the fugitive known as El Gordo (aka the False Prophet, Real Kahuna, Softie) late yesterday, when it was discovered that El Gordo had ties to an international shipping scandal.

The covert operation, which could signal the swansong of courier giants Federal Express (NYSE:FDX), involved the random routing of packages back and forth between FedEx locations, in an attempt to interfere with the planet's orbit.

In a stakeout of a FedEx regional office in Southern California yesterday, which resulted in the capture of two Illegal Mexicans, a cache of polarity-reversed capacitors and a blow-up sex doll, FBI investigators found evidence that led back to El Gordo's rural hideout in Sri Lanka.

Apparently the criminal mastermind had devised a dastardly scheme whereby incorrectly addressed packages would be dispatched via FedEx, thus causing a recursive rerouting of said packages between various FedEx shipping locations. FBI analysts believe that if the number of such malicious packages inserted into the system reach a specific threshold value, the planet's orbit could be severely impacted, thereby causing a global catastrophe.

In a press conference later in the day, the FBI released a FedEx Routing Slip which was associated with one such package.

The contents of the packages are as yet undetermined, but it is believed that the blow-up doll was contained in one of the malicious packages.

Criminal experts speculate that this latest move from the notorious Gordo is in line with his plans for world domination and the renaming of his rural hideout Kendaliyaddapaluwa, Ganemulla as the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

El Gordo was unavailable for comment, given his recent fugitive status following his escape from a New York State Penitentiary where he was being detained on unrelated charges of vandalism.

Kahuna Denies Allegations, Strikes Back

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a press release issued this morning, Kahuna categorically denied allegations of romantic interludes leveled by what he termed "malicious interests acting in concert." Adding that the allegations were vile, untruthful and completely baseless, Kahuna promised to bring the perpetrators to an untimely end. In what was considered a strategic move related to recent events, Kahuna has struck a deal with LoudCloud and will be testifying for the plaintiff in the sordid matter of LoudCloud v. Vandoofus. Vandoofus stands charged with promiscuous blogging in what is widely expected to be a long-drawn legal challenge. Legal experts cautioned that this latest move would be a blow considering Kahuna's knowledge of Vandoofus's [use of apostrophe approved by Strunk & White] reputedly colorful past. They added that Kahuna could indeed rock the boat and cause chaos. Vandoofus was holed-up with his legal team and was not reachable for comment.

The Words of the Prophets are Written on the Subway Walls?

MANHATTAN, New York -- An unidentified man calling himself the "Real Kahuna," was taken into custody last night by officers of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) on charges of loitering about 34th Street-Penn Station and defacing the premises with a can of spray paint. The so-called "Real Kahuna" insisted that he was fully justified in his actions adding that the words of the prophets were allegedly written on the subway walls. Officers of the MTA apparently refused to right-justify his beliefs and locked up the perpetrator pending a court appearance later today. The can of paint has been confiscated to prevent any further prophecies manifesting themselves. A spokesman for the MTA added that while the self-styled prophet's words were certainly profane, they were hardly profound and had no serious literary merit. Attempts to reach Paul Simon have been unsuccessful.