The West Highland Line

The West Highland Line (Copyright © 2007 Google Inc)

WEST HIGHLAND LINE, Scotland -- In the early Autumn of 2005, Kahuna and Darth Teddy embarked on an expedition of Scotland by rail. The first leg of the journey began at the Queen Street station in Glasgow and ended in the fishing port of Mallaig on the west coast of Scotland.

The West Highland Line, Rathad Iarainn nan Eilean ("Iron Road to the Isles") in Scotts Gaelic, is arguably one of most scenic railway lines in the United Kingdom. Here are some of the photographs of the journey from the vast Archives of Kahuna.


Driving Trailer of Class 318 EMU (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

We pass a driving trailer of a British Rail Class 318 electric multiple unit train (as opposed to a locomotive). This type of train would usually be configured with two driving trailers and a central motor car containing the traction motors.


The Hills (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)


The Barrow (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

This barrow full of flowers was parked on a small lonely railway platform, the name of which escapes us. Kahuna posted a close-up of this scene as an entry to the controversial Vandoofus Prize in 2005.


The Misty Highlands (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Misty Peak (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Mist-Swept Loch (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

 
Class 37 Locomotive 'The Saltire Society' (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

This is a Class 37 Diesel-Electric locomotive named 'The Saltire Society' built in the 1950s and refitted in the 1980s. The diesel engine, main alternator and traction motors are contained in a single car.


The Loch (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Glenfinnan Viaduct (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

We pass over the Glenfinnan Viaduct built by Robert 'Concrete Bob' McAlpine during the early 20^th century. Fans of the Harry Potter movies (which exclude Kahuna and Darth Teddy) will recognize the viaduct from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Darth Teddy is known to have strong views on the subject. "I detest that brat," and "they should have killed him in the first book," being some of the milder oaths attributed to the allegedly cuddly one.


The Sea Loch (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Contentious Game (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

In between swigs of Scottish ale, Kahuna and Darth Teddy engaged in a long game of Scrabble during the journey. Naturally, the anaconda keeper was squarely trounced by Kahuna. This incident remains a sore point with Darth Teddy to this day.


Cursum Perficio (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

After almost five hours, our journey comes to an end at the beautiful port of Mallaig. We spent the night feasting on some of the freshest seafood in Scotland and took the ferry to the Isle of Skye the next day, but that's another story.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 14 - The Way of the Bog

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Regular readers know that Professor Gordon attracts loads of spam, thanks in part to his huge personal bogosity. We touched upon the subject of spam some time ago, during the Moses Affair.

It was during this time that Kahuna came across a hilarious piece on scambaiting, i.e., paying scammers back at their own game. This particular story was about Father Hector Barnett and the Holy Church of The Order of The Red Breast.

Clearly, this was much too good to leave alone and the foul exchange that took place between 'Father' Gordon and Kahuna quite literally stank to high heaven:

Gordon : I am from the Order of the Hole in the Ass.
Kahuna : Yes, I've heard of this X-(
Gordon : I'm sure you have.
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : We operate out of a trailer park in 
         Martha's Vineyard.
Kahuna : You're trespassing aren't you?
Gordon : It's god's will.
Kahuna : Bah, your god is a clown.
Gordon : It takes all sorts to make the universe go
         round.
Kahuna : A decent spin is all it takes. Have you 
         prayed to your god today?
Gordon : The Order of the Hole in the Ass considers 
         farts to be prayers. In that light, yes, 
         I have prayed quite a lot today.
Kahuna : Yes, your flatulence is quite legendary. I
         believe it was reported that you were 
         considering such a propulsion mechanism for
         your Stratosweeper.
Gordon : Don't talk shit.
Kahuna : Well you started with this load of crap X-(
Gordon : Bullshit.
Kahuna : Poppycock X-(
Gordon : Rubbish.
Kahuna : Piss off.
Gordon : Asswipe X-(
Kahuna : Will you be using one square à la S Crow? 
         X-(
Gordon : No, we use water à la most Sri Lankans X-(
Kahuna : Polluter X-(
Gordon : Would you rather I roamed about with pieces
         of shit in my ass? X-(
Kahuna : What you do with your ass is not covered by
         federal jurisdiction X-(
Gordon : So why are you poking your nose up it?
Kahuna : You're trying to raise a stink here aren't
         you? X-(
Gordon : Incidentally, I need to take a dump X-(
         BRB X-(
Kahuna : An offering to your god no doubt? X-(
Gordon : You bet.
Kahuna : Praise the lord!

Father Gordon's plans to visit the inner sanctum, however, were not meant to be, for a diabolical interruption took place:

Gordon : My daughter just turned up and requested to
         be carried :-l
Kahuna : Oh shit!
Kahuna : [GUFFAW]
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : ROTFL.
Gordon : I will thump you with a diaper genie if you
         don't watch it X-(
Gordon : BRB X-(

Gordon eventually retired to his inner sanctum and returned after what appears to have been considerable prayer:

Kahuna : Have you prayed, my son? Do you feel the 
         relief? [GUFFAW]
Gordon : There is a god.

The next day, Kahuna sought an audience with Father Gordon once more:

Kahuna : Flush() Flush() Flush()
         Are you in 'Holy' Father?
Gordon : You're bogging me down X-(
Kahuna : You seem to be in deep shit, Father X-(
Gordon : I'm not taking advice from an old fart X-(
Kahuna : Temper, temper.  You're in a crappy mood.
Gordon : Bullshit.
Kahuna : Flush it X-(
Gordon : Why are you so uptight? Do you need a 
         laxative? X-(
Kahuna : Look who's talking.  You seem to be in 
         desperate need of prayer.
Gordon : Nonsense, I just prayed X-(
Kahuna : In the name of the Farter, the Bog and the
         Holy Bidet?

On that unquestionably septic note, we conclude this story. The die-hards among you who need further laughter can read the full Tale of the Painted Breast, replete with photographs.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 5 - The Hot and the Bothered

SENTOSA, Singapore -- A few weeks ago, Kahuna was contained on the island of Sentosa off the coast of Singapore, presumably for the safety of the mainland. Whilst He was lounging around at the Rasa Sentosa Resort of Shangri-La fame, a conversation took place with Darth Teddy:

Kahuna      : I shall now iron.
Darth Teddy : Indeed, I did this yesterday.
Kahuna      : You appear quite unruffled about this.
Darth Teddy : Indeed, it's not a crushing situation.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, this could put a crease in
              your pants.
Darth Teddy : However, this could cause a burn. Not
              to mention end up in a steamy
              situation.
Kahuna      : Quite. This iron has started hissing
              at regular intervals X-(
Darth Teddy : This could be considered to be a
              mating call in some parts.  Maybe you
              should respond by unzipping your
              pants or something.
Kahuna      : Oh is that what you do?  Mate with
              the iron while it makes suggestive
              sounds X-(
Darth Teddy : Er no, I haven't attempted it with an
              iron yet.
Kahuna      : I always wondered what that "Caution:
              Hot Iron" warning was all about X-(
Darth Teddy : Hehe, there's a quote. That iron is
              seriously overestimating its hotness
              if you ask me.
Kahuna      : As for you, your anaconda should have
              a warning label X-(
Darth Teddy : It does: it says "Blow Me for Best
              Results."
Kahuna      : That's not the sort of warning I had
              in mind X-(
Darth Teddy : Well you don't always get what you
              want.
Kahuna      : I was thinking more in the lines of
              "Caution: Concealed Weapon" or
              "Warning: Use Eye Protection."
Darth Teddy : Hehe, and at the bottom "Blow for
              Best Results."
Kahuna      : @#$%#$%$#% will you be making a label
              for yourself? X-(

No clothing was left crumpled during these proceedings. However, the appropriately labeled anaconda keeper is believed to be at large.

The Darth Teddy-Fluke Messages: Part 1 - The Ways of the Farce

THE EMPIRE, Outer Space -- One of the many lessons that Fluke will learn is portrayed in the first of the Teddy-Fluke messages. May the Farce be with you all.

Darth Teddy     : You still know nothing of the 
                  Farce!
Fluke Skywalker : Do you think arrogance clouds my
                  better judgment?
Darth Teddy     : And obviously you are flaunting 
                  it with some amateur female!
Fluke Skywalker : True, that statement may be.
Darth Teddy     : Arrogance is good if to control
                  it you know how.
Fluke Skywalker : I admit I have much to learn.
Fluke Skywalker : I hope not to be another Obi-Wan.
Darth Teddy     : You will note the various buttons
                  push do I to off people piss.
Fluke Skywalker : Slowly but surely I have been 
                  aware of them.
Darth Teddy     : Indeed, you may practice on that
                  tree.  Call it Gajid we do.
Darth Teddy     : What hit him will not know he!
Fluke Skywalker : As always, a point you have made
                  O Cuddly One.
Darth Teddy     : You will practice stealth and 
                  patience young Fluke.
Fluke Skywalker : I will indeed.
Darth Teddy     : Go, train in the ways of the 
                  Farce!
Darth Teddy     : But protection you shall use.
Fluke Skywalker : I will do as you've advised.
Fluke Skywalker : Protection I use always.
Darth Teddy     : Hmmm, Strong the Farce may 
                  eventually be in this one!

Fluke was unavailable for comment after this exchange as he set off on a journey after a tree. However please free to abduct him on the way and pose your questions.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 33

The least you could have done was to aim the projectile accurately.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for bungling the target zone during the last meteorite strike.

Need to loosen up my fingers again; they are a bit too stiff.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, forecasting ominous digital deeds.

Did I tell you about the FedEx guy who wanted to know why I was wearing a skirt?

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the follies of answering the door in Georgia while dressed in sarong.

And I think UQ is rigged; I'm certain that I made dodgier comments than the ones portrayed, and all of this has been overlooked for some hogwash.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure over non-inclusion in UQ32.

I am the USP for this series; I have fans to cater to.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, making a point about Unquotable Quotes.

Your USP is your anaconda, and you can quote me on that.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, pointing elsewhere.

So you're suggesting we replace the L2 with a baobab?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's radical departure from silicon in his new processor architecture.

Let's me get this right: we have pigeons bringing in the data from off chip storage, then there's a ring of elephants around the baobab who stomp on the incoming data to compress it?

— Kahuna, trying to picture Gordon's new processor architecture.

Yes, and vultures cleaning up any leftovers.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his organic garbage collection mechanism.

This compression appears to be lossy.

— Kahuna, expressing concerns about Gordon's pachydermal data compression algorithm.

When was the last time you recovered anything squashed by an elephant then?

— Gordon to Kahuna, proving to be quite thick-skinned on the need for an inverse compression function.

According to Gordon, you get the elephants to stomp on the file.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on being asked how to reduce the size of JPG file to a minimum.

They should drain that bloody lake and sort out the whole affair once and for all.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing an in-depth solution to locate the Loch Ness Monster.

Uugggh, scary monster.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Darth Teddy adorning the Board of Buffoons.

Am I still in the waiting list for a stripper?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, checking his prior booking.

And you're occupying the couch, the whole couch and nothing but the couch?

— Kahuna, attempting to establish Darth Teddy's whereabouts.

So help me plod.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, swearing by his slouch.

We're going to get an NC-17 rating at this rate.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of recent explicit postings on the Circus.

Are you still raising a point of order about these peanuts?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's concerns regarding 25 tons of peanuts being delivered to CBS on account of 'Jericho' being canceled.

By the way, I think you should install Food Fight on Facebook so that I can throw things at you.

— The Baroness, seeking to pelt Kahuna with a pie.

You have published more on me than any other clown on the planet already.

— Gordon, noting Kahuna's unauthorized biographical works.

Precisely; I was expecting preferential treatment.

— Kahuna, on expecting to write Gordon's obituary.

You will probably be the cause of my demise as well.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a deadly view of things.

The invasion will be tomorrow.

— Gordon, providing a revised schedule to Kahuna.

You're exiting your republic as I come in?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna's plans to visit the orient during a previously scheduled invasion.

I will be remotely managing my republic.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Greetings from Boston.

— Gordon, engaging in blatant provocation of Kahuna.

Yeah right; like your anaconda won't dance when I send a stripper.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to engage in snake charming by proxy.

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Well pencil him in; my list is quite long, however.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to remove another certified idiot from the planet.

Found the dancing girls?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, checking on preparations for his visit.

No, but the male strippers are ready.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, disclosing alternative arrangements.

I am walking around in London and am actually getting paid for it.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to profitable but dodgy activities in the city.

Will we be seeing a geostationary anaconda over Watford?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, fearing the worst after learning of the Geostationary Banana over Texas.

It won't be stationary by any means.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst fears.

Those are young lions; they are just playing with their food.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the antics of Kevin Richardson.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

Anyone care to endorse this?

— Darth Teddy, seeking an empirical proof to his Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

You need to be knocked down a notch or two, BTBOTP.

— Kahuna, seeking to deflate Darth Teddy's rampant presence.

Can I stay up on the same notch and get some one to blow me instead?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing a highly inflationary alternative.

Fluke Walks Away with First Prize at Beauty Pageant

WORLD'S END, Horton Plains -- In news just in, no we made that up, in news a few weeks old we are proud, shocked and amused to announce that the newest member of the Circus, young Fluke Skywalker, collected first prize at prominent beauty pageant. This accolade that was presented to Fluke is all the more special because all other contestants were largely of the opposite sex to the winner. Please ... be nice, they were female. We use the term "largely" with some emphasis due to the inability to classify certain contestants regardless to the number of tests carried out.

Young Fluke carried away this award by a unanimous vote where everyone, yes, everyone voted only for him .. er .. her .. erm .. it. The proud winner accepted his award in a very chic' t-shirt and a bright pink hat.

As a result of this Fluke now holds the prestigious title of "Separation Kumari". A title that cannot be taken away from him or in this case he couldn't get rid of if he paid people to take it away.

Due to certain restrictions enforced by Kahuna (Big), who currently is in possession of Fluke's gonads and is yanking them with a string, I am unable to post pictures of this gracious occasion, however if requested via the comments page personal delivery can be arranged through electronic mail.

Until next time this is BNN signing off and reminding you not to forget to wish Fluke on his memorable achievement.

Chaos at the Circus

TATOOINE, Arkanis Sector -- Confusion and chaos reigned at the circus yesterday due to a major blunder made by no other than Fluke Skywalker. The chain of events began with Big Kahuna inviting Fluke to an event staged by the Circus near the Avenue of Reeds. The true intention of Big Kahuna for calling this rather hasty gathering of the Buffoons is still a subject of discussion among lesser mortals.

The hasty invitation extended by Kahuna (Big) to Fluke took him by surprise as he desperately attempted to concoct a reasonable explanation for not attending all this buffoonery. Landing the blame on the Cuddly One as the reason for not attending lasted but only a brief moment as Fluke realised that Kahuna (living up to his reputation) was in constant contact with the Anaconda Keeper throughout his conversation with Fluke.

It was at this point that a ray of light seemed to appear before Fluke in the form of the (all-knowing) Jay-See who (unaware of the Circus activities, let alone Fluke's association with Big Kahuna) promptly informed that he required Fluke to accompany him to his watering hole which was located in the vicinity of the Square of Independence. Fluke, quick to realise that this would be his modus operandi of boycotting the planned festivities of the Circus, was quick to point to Big Kahuna that he would have no choice but adhere to the Jay-See’s command (considering the Jay-See being Fluke’s commanding officer and of course his immediate future operating under him as well) to which Kahuna (Big) decided to demonstrate to Fluke the extent of his authority over the universe by threatening the Jay-See with certain pictorial evidence, which if exposed, would lead to wide-spread panic within the ranks of the Jay-See, especially since this was supposed to include the giant in cahoots with Timmy the Clown. Details of the verbal battle which ensued between Big Kahuna and the Jay-See with an even bewildered Fluke in the midst, will be excluded to spare lesser mortals of agony.

However, the fact which emerged was the magnitude of steadfast power with which Big Kahuna rules the Universe, especially when Kahuna almost summoned The Ex-Dictator at which point Fluke was at his wits end at deciding which party to support. Finally, Fluke decided (with much reluctance) to heed the Jay-See’s order and accompany the giant to his watering hole.

The fate of Fluke now hangs (very) delicately in the hands of (Big) Kahuna.

"May the Farce be with Fluke"

Tiger

Tiger (Copyright © 2007 Mahesh Markus)

WOBURN, United Kingdom -- The Tigers (Panthera tigris) within their enclosure. Unfortunately these magnificent cats were not allowed to roam free that day. 

Woburn Park

(Copyright © 2007 D Teddy)

Bird of Prey: Turkmenian Eagle Owl

Turkmenian Eagle Owl (Copyright © 2007 D Teddy)

WOBURN PARK, United Kingdom -- A falconer demonstrates the characteristics of a Turkmenian Eagle Owl (Bubo bubo). Darth Teddy looks on in awe. Awesome stuff. 

The Circus Presents: Fluke Skywalker (May the Farce be with Him)