CACTUS, Texas -- In a press conference convened this evening, Kahuna announced that He had acquired controlling interest of the Clown School [BlogShares: ClownSchool] by purchasing 75% of outstanding shares on the BlockShares stock market. The deal is reported to be worth over worth over B$ 58,600 in cash. Clown School stock closed 37.56, up 17.09.
Explaining His acquisition, Kahuna said that He intended to take out the Jester, whose pastime appeared to be leaving “who died?” comments on blog posts. He added that He had the backing of powerful clowns in this latest strategic move. Analysts speculated that Kahuna may demand the resignation of the board of buffoons of the Clown School and name Huggles as his viceroy to the blog. The serial hugger was not available for comment.
Circus [BlogShares: The Circus] stock moved up 25.85 to close at 140.42.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Unquotable Quotes - Part 1
He pops up like a gopher, says something controversial and disappears.
I wouldn’t mind entering parliament in that manner, preceded by a lightsabre in lieu of the mace.
This buffet will self-destruct in ten seconds!
We can probably start growing cacti at this rate.
- St Vandoofus, commenting on the modus operandi and extended absence of Professor Gordon.
I wouldn’t mind entering parliament in that manner, preceded by a lightsabre in lieu of the mace.
- Kahuna, on learning that George Lucus had entered the ShoWest convention preceded by 21 Star Wars stormtroopers and an actor dressed as Darth Vader.
This buffet will self-destruct in ten seconds!
- Professor Gordon, on observing the banana-triggered Rube Goldberg mechanism rigged at the dessert buffet in the Coffee Shop of the Galadari Hotel.
We can probably start growing cacti at this rate.
- Professor Gordon, commenting on the oppresive heat after the vernal equinox.
Gastronomic Misadventures at the Galadari
COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- After a long and bogus day wrought with idiots, Professor Gordon and Kahuna decided to dine out and catch up on old times. In keeping with tradition, the collapse of the quantum wave function of the venue took place only a few minutes prior to actually having dinner. After discounting the Continental by scrutinizing the edifice from its entrance, the Galadari opposite the road was selected as the venue of choice. Access was accordingly gained through the side entrance. Contrary to the norms of the industry, the doors of this establishment are self-service, despite being staffed at the ratio of one doorman per set of doors. Navigating the obstructions placed in the corridors challenged even the most robust OSPF routing algorithms.
Having arrived at the Coffee Shop and ascertaining that the buffet was indeed open at 10:30pm, Kahuna and Gordon wished to be seated in the non-smoking section of the restaurant. It was reassuring to note that industry norms were being observed here with the seating being neither functional nor comfortable. Kahuna made a note to self that restaurant furniture designers would be first against the wall when the revolution came.
Without further ado, the salad was duly consumed. It was declared to be non-bogus, apart from the sushi and sashimi. The former was devoid of taste and the consistency of the latter suggested that it was imported from Japan via the scenic route which happened to be the Northwest Passage during an unexpectedly harsh winter. OSPF aficionados beware, for this is the perilous ground of the unbelievers.
Upon examining the main buffet closely, it became quickly evident that it consisted entirely of fish. Not simply seafood, but fish: grilled fish, baked fish, fish tikka and even vol-au-vents deviously concealing fish. While cuttlefish and crab were also among those present, they were sidelined by the fish contingent. After eliminating the impossible, not even Sherlock Holmes would have denied that some form of highly improbable, but true Fish Surprise had been stumbled upon.
While consuming the meal, what sounded like a crate of cutlery being dropped from the direction of the kitchen only enhanced the ambiance created by the band blaring bad music at an estimated 80 dB and the air-conditioning appropriately set to slowly bake the patrons in their jackets. The meal was quite tasteless other than for the cuttlefish and Gordon was seen resorting to the salt-shaker on more than one occasion. The question as to whether it contained salt-free salt was raised, but no answers were found. The attendant chef wiping his hands on his rear also added a distinct flavor to the proceedings.
After the meal, the dessert buffet was set upon. Coffee cake, watalappan and some species of cheesecake were present inter alia, flanked by the bread pudding. While serving, a cluster of bananas mounted within an aperture of a melting ice sculpture decided to plummet to a lower energy state, narrowly missing the watalappan. Fortunately, Kahuna and Gordon were sufficiently distanced from the debacle to elude the finger of suspicion. The incident nevertheless evoked fond memories of the hilarious Rube Goldberg contraptions employed by that master of bungling, Wile E Coyote of Loony Tunes fame. It also prompted Gordon to quip that the buffet would self-destruct in ten seconds, à la Mission Impossible, and a hasty retreat was made back to the table.
The service layer failed to clear the table until the pair was seated and attempting to reorganize the crockery to obtain sufficient contiguous free space for the dessert plates. Kahuna unilaterally declared the coffee cake to be bogus. While partaking of the dessert, the service layer approached with the bill and demanded payment. This unprovoked act of billing clearly demonstrated the proactive nature of the staff. The overall experience at this establishment was justifiably rated B-complete.
On the way out and back to the premises of the nearby Bogusan Empire, Kahuna was intrigued by some flagstones of the sidewalk that boldly carried the word ALCATEL. Alcatel was not known to be in this line of business and a closer examination was warranted. This revealed that the flagstones were also stamped with the words SEA-ME-WE-II. Thus was discovered the Path to the Light. And on that illuminating note, this story ends.
Disclaimer: This post was written while sipping green tea from a Loony Tunes mug defaced by Wile E Coyote, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and the Tasmanian Devil (hence the term mug shot). The state of mind of the author is left as an exercise to the reader.
Having arrived at the Coffee Shop and ascertaining that the buffet was indeed open at 10:30pm, Kahuna and Gordon wished to be seated in the non-smoking section of the restaurant. It was reassuring to note that industry norms were being observed here with the seating being neither functional nor comfortable. Kahuna made a note to self that restaurant furniture designers would be first against the wall when the revolution came.
Without further ado, the salad was duly consumed. It was declared to be non-bogus, apart from the sushi and sashimi. The former was devoid of taste and the consistency of the latter suggested that it was imported from Japan via the scenic route which happened to be the Northwest Passage during an unexpectedly harsh winter. OSPF aficionados beware, for this is the perilous ground of the unbelievers.
Upon examining the main buffet closely, it became quickly evident that it consisted entirely of fish. Not simply seafood, but fish: grilled fish, baked fish, fish tikka and even vol-au-vents deviously concealing fish. While cuttlefish and crab were also among those present, they were sidelined by the fish contingent. After eliminating the impossible, not even Sherlock Holmes would have denied that some form of highly improbable, but true Fish Surprise had been stumbled upon.
While consuming the meal, what sounded like a crate of cutlery being dropped from the direction of the kitchen only enhanced the ambiance created by the band blaring bad music at an estimated 80 dB and the air-conditioning appropriately set to slowly bake the patrons in their jackets. The meal was quite tasteless other than for the cuttlefish and Gordon was seen resorting to the salt-shaker on more than one occasion. The question as to whether it contained salt-free salt was raised, but no answers were found. The attendant chef wiping his hands on his rear also added a distinct flavor to the proceedings.
After the meal, the dessert buffet was set upon. Coffee cake, watalappan and some species of cheesecake were present inter alia, flanked by the bread pudding. While serving, a cluster of bananas mounted within an aperture of a melting ice sculpture decided to plummet to a lower energy state, narrowly missing the watalappan. Fortunately, Kahuna and Gordon were sufficiently distanced from the debacle to elude the finger of suspicion. The incident nevertheless evoked fond memories of the hilarious Rube Goldberg contraptions employed by that master of bungling, Wile E Coyote of Loony Tunes fame. It also prompted Gordon to quip that the buffet would self-destruct in ten seconds, à la Mission Impossible, and a hasty retreat was made back to the table.
The service layer failed to clear the table until the pair was seated and attempting to reorganize the crockery to obtain sufficient contiguous free space for the dessert plates. Kahuna unilaterally declared the coffee cake to be bogus. While partaking of the dessert, the service layer approached with the bill and demanded payment. This unprovoked act of billing clearly demonstrated the proactive nature of the staff. The overall experience at this establishment was justifiably rated B-complete.
On the way out and back to the premises of the nearby Bogusan Empire, Kahuna was intrigued by some flagstones of the sidewalk that boldly carried the word ALCATEL. Alcatel was not known to be in this line of business and a closer examination was warranted. This revealed that the flagstones were also stamped with the words SEA-ME-WE-II. Thus was discovered the Path to the Light. And on that illuminating note, this story ends.
Disclaimer: This post was written while sipping green tea from a Loony Tunes mug defaced by Wile E Coyote, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and the Tasmanian Devil (hence the term mug shot). The state of mind of the author is left as an exercise to the reader.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Reflections
BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear who resigned from the blog a while ago granted BNN an exclusive interview a few hours ago stating that he has decided to swallow his pride and re-join the blog. This of course is if the adminstrator level bloggers are willing to clear re-entry paths. Da Bear has been following the Circus on a periodic basis and has been distressed at the lack of activity on a once flourishing blog.
Also Da Bear extends apologies to those he offended if indeed so he has done and hopes that the slate might be wiped clean for a new beginning. Travelling back to the Garden of Eden so to speak (Including the forbidden fruit of course).
After months of pondering and a consultation of a few wisemen (Ref: The Real Kahuna, Yahoo Messenger) Da Bear has reconfirmed to himself that friendships are worth alot more than to be ripped apart by a few misunderstandings. Although Da Bear did also state than he is still in the dark about what some of these misunderstandings are. However, Da Bear emphasized that these misunderstandings can be a thing of the past, to Da Bear they already are. Da Bear also stated that he has not forgotten about the good times and hope there will be more, among the whole circus. And to part, his final words, the Circus was not just a group, it was a family. A family should never be separated from each other. However far away they are (Ref: Big Kahuna's last poem).
Da Bear rests.
Also Da Bear extends apologies to those he offended if indeed so he has done and hopes that the slate might be wiped clean for a new beginning. Travelling back to the Garden of Eden so to speak (Including the forbidden fruit of course).
After months of pondering and a consultation of a few wisemen (Ref: The Real Kahuna, Yahoo Messenger) Da Bear has reconfirmed to himself that friendships are worth alot more than to be ripped apart by a few misunderstandings. Although Da Bear did also state than he is still in the dark about what some of these misunderstandings are. However, Da Bear emphasized that these misunderstandings can be a thing of the past, to Da Bear they already are. Da Bear also stated that he has not forgotten about the good times and hope there will be more, among the whole circus. And to part, his final words, the Circus was not just a group, it was a family. A family should never be separated from each other. However far away they are (Ref: Big Kahuna's last poem).
Da Bear rests.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Dynamic Reviews
The great thing about the blog media is that the author can change the entries after it has been posted - even after users' comments. (Wouldn't it be cool if you could do that in Newspapers?) The circus senior art corresponded did just that. Today he decided he didn't like his recent review of the Gates project. So he changed it. He is waiting for the blogmaster to reinstate his admin privileges so that he can change some other articles posted by fellow bloggers. If anyone can edit wikipedia, I don't see why circus shouldn't let anyone edit its content.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Where have all the Clowns Gone?
Where have all the clowns gone, long time passing?
Where have all the clowns gone, long time ago?
Where have all the clowns gone?
Left the circus every one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
With apologies to Where have all the flowers gone? by Pete Seeger.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
"The Gates" - A Review
By St Vandoofus, Senior Art Correspondent, The Circus
CENTRAL PARK, New York – What is normally an inartistic, eyesore in the centre of Manhattan could be thought of as quite a waste of land filled with boring foliage, lakes, rocks and particularly painful groups of noisy kids running around with their dogs. But all that changed last weekend when Christo and Jeanne-Claude, after 20-some years, and some help from a man named Bloomberg with a passion for modern art, managed to bring their exhibit to New York's Central Park. Soon the park was besieged by the art-loving public of Manhattan and the rest of the world and in a moment, the glum, depressing serenity of the park was transformed into what could be described as a circus-like atmosphere. For me, an art-lover who lives a stone’s throw from the park, the event is a rare opportunity to witness and experience the best of what modern art has to offer. So needless to say, I walked over to the park to experience the amazing work of art brought to us by Christo and Jeanne-Claude and sure hope it won’t be the last time I get to cover a humongous-objects-covered-in-fabric kind of art in the future.
Each exhibit can be described as an extensive virtuosity of subjectivity created to counteract the sublimation of the irreversible nature of the objects that includes the ambience of the park. As Jon Stewart’s chief art correspondent best described it, it's a whole transformation of the “whereness” to “nowhereness”. Personally, I think the exhibit depicted the evolvement of the public space and the physical aurora into a private spatial dimension that can be perceived as the celerity of the affection transcended by an inamorata. Each magnificent object which made up the 20-million dollar exhibit that covered the 850 acres of the park resembled a curtain hanging on a steel rod. Unlike the one hanging from my bathroom door, these were fabric banners suspended from 16-foot-high frames. And they were... orange.
The exhibits on the west side of the park transpired a saffron-colored light throughout the park, creating a majestic command over the surroundings which reduced the 19th century buildings in the neighborhood to a diffident obscurity. The striking landmarks such as the Dakota were reduced to a mere concrete structures lamenting for attention. As I walked over to the east, the objects were more saffron in color and the fabric hanging from a steel frame was vastly different to the exhibits displayed on the north side of the park which were saffron in color suspended from steel frames. The south-west corner of the park was scattered with saffron-colored cloths while the south east… and so on.
I would love to go on, but, alas, I have run out of a month’s supply of word-a-days from dictionary.com. I don't really understand what they mean. But they sounded perfect to describe something I understand even less. So signing off from New York, this is the senior art correspondent for Circus, St. Vandoofus.
CENTRAL PARK, New York – What is normally an inartistic, eyesore in the centre of Manhattan could be thought of as quite a waste of land filled with boring foliage, lakes, rocks and particularly painful groups of noisy kids running around with their dogs. But all that changed last weekend when Christo and Jeanne-Claude, after 20-some years, and some help from a man named Bloomberg with a passion for modern art, managed to bring their exhibit to New York's Central Park. Soon the park was besieged by the art-loving public of Manhattan and the rest of the world and in a moment, the glum, depressing serenity of the park was transformed into what could be described as a circus-like atmosphere. For me, an art-lover who lives a stone’s throw from the park, the event is a rare opportunity to witness and experience the best of what modern art has to offer. So needless to say, I walked over to the park to experience the amazing work of art brought to us by Christo and Jeanne-Claude and sure hope it won’t be the last time I get to cover a humongous-objects-covered-in-fabric kind of art in the future.
Each exhibit can be described as an extensive virtuosity of subjectivity created to counteract the sublimation of the irreversible nature of the objects that includes the ambience of the park. As Jon Stewart’s chief art correspondent best described it, it's a whole transformation of the “whereness” to “nowhereness”. Personally, I think the exhibit depicted the evolvement of the public space and the physical aurora into a private spatial dimension that can be perceived as the celerity of the affection transcended by an inamorata. Each magnificent object which made up the 20-million dollar exhibit that covered the 850 acres of the park resembled a curtain hanging on a steel rod. Unlike the one hanging from my bathroom door, these were fabric banners suspended from 16-foot-high frames. And they were... orange.
The exhibits on the west side of the park transpired a saffron-colored light throughout the park, creating a majestic command over the surroundings which reduced the 19th century buildings in the neighborhood to a diffident obscurity. The striking landmarks such as the Dakota were reduced to a mere concrete structures lamenting for attention. As I walked over to the east, the objects were more saffron in color and the fabric hanging from a steel frame was vastly different to the exhibits displayed on the north side of the park which were saffron in color suspended from steel frames. The south-west corner of the park was scattered with saffron-colored cloths while the south east… and so on.
I would love to go on, but, alas, I have run out of a month’s supply of word-a-days from dictionary.com. I don't really understand what they mean. But they sounded perfect to describe something I understand even less. So signing off from New York, this is the senior art correspondent for Circus, St. Vandoofus.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Christo and Jeanne-Claude Open ‘The Gates’ in New York
This photograph entitled The Gates, is the work of Ten Safe Frogs (Geoff Stearns). Used under a Creative Commons License.CENTRAL PARK, New York -- World-renowned artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude together with New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, today unveiled their creation, ‘The Gates’ in Central Park. Twenty-six years in the making from concept to execution, this massive creation has installed 7,500 metal gates flowing with saffron-colored fabric along 23 miles of pathway across the park. Giving a splash of color to the park, the work will be open till the 27th of February, after which it will be dismantled and the materials industrially recycled. The project was completely funded by the artists.
Known for their large-scale temporary works of art, Christo and Jeanne-Claude covered the German Reichstag in fabric for their ‘Wrapped Reichstag’ project in 1995. Their ‘Over the River’ project scheduled for later this year plans to cover the Arkansas River in Colorado with fabric panels.
Kahuna declared ‘The Gates’ to be NB-complete and indicated that St Vandoofus will be dispatched to take a closer look despite near-freezing weather conditions. Professor Gordon was unavailable for comment and rumored to be recovering at his rural lair after a suspicious rendezvous with powerful clowns from the Middle East. The nature of the tryst was unclear, but experts suspect gun-running at the very least.
More images of ‘The Gates’ are available on Flickr.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Kahuna Issues Ultimatum
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In late-breaking news, a fuming Kahuna issued an ultimatum to ENN and SLMW indicating that the Circus has no political affiliations and will not be used for political advertising under any circumstances. He added, however, that the Circus reserves the right to equally ridicule all politicians on a regular basis.
Kahuna warned that any further tampering with the blog template would be considered an act of war and met with fierce retaliation in the form of armed bears and porcupines, the latter supplied courtesy of the prestigious Porcupine Institute of Ganemulla.
Kahuna warned that any further tampering with the blog template would be considered an act of war and met with fierce retaliation in the form of armed bears and porcupines, the latter supplied courtesy of the prestigious Porcupine Institute of Ganemulla.
SLMW Launches www.lankawatch.com
NEW YORK, United States of America (ENN) -- A press release by the Sri Lanka Media Watch organization, a non-profit organization setup to monitor, analyze and debate latest political developments in Sri Lanka has announced the launch of it website at www.lankawatch.com. The Organization comprising of a large network of journalists, intellectuals, representatives of various political entities and individuals, both local and foreign, aims to use the internet as a propaganda tool to promote a neutral and peaceful message to the public. The management of the site hopes to provide a one-stop site for Sri Lankans everywhere to obtain political news about Sri Lanka and to share and debate ideas about the current situation in the country. The organization further states, the members of the web blog administered by Kahuna have been chosen as beta testers to test the site and provide feedback to the organization. Kahuna was sleeping and unavailable for comments.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Hounds Attack GITT MkII
KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- The Gordon Industries Twenty Thousand (GITT MkII), flagship vehicle of false prophet Professor Gordon, has sustained damage in an attack mounted by his household canines. KNN learns that the incident occurred in the early hours of Sunday, leading to considerable damage to a mud flap of the vehicle.
The reasons behind the strike are not clear at this time and investigations are underway. Gordon was reportedly fuming and not available for comment.
The reasons behind the strike are not clear at this time and investigations are underway. Gordon was reportedly fuming and not available for comment.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Gordon Bribes Punxsutawney Phil, Prolongs Winter
GOBBLER’S KNOB, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- In completely unexpected developments, the dastardly Professor Gordon has thrown the planet into six more weeks of winter by bribing well-known meteorological groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, to see his shadow.
While Phil’s revelation was roundly booed by those gathered at Gobbler’s Knob, a jubilant Gordon announced that he had delivered a major blow to Kahuna’s efforts at ushering in the first thaw of spring. Gordon disclosed that he had entered into an exclusive agreement with Phil, under which winter will be extended by a six-week period, with the option for a further three-week extension, for the next five years. Adding that Phil was amply compensated, Gordon indicated that he was also in negotiations with Staten Island Chuck, Wiarton Willie and Shubenacadie Sam to further consolidate his positition.
Experts ruminating over Gordon’s coup suggested that the arch-climatologist may have resorted to this highly unorthodox approach after failing in his patented, High-bypass Turbofan Method of global cooling. Gordon was reportedly having trouble getting his array of jet engines off the ground due to a shipment of capacitors sourced from Bart’s Surplus (a wholly-owned subsidiary of BartCorp) failing to arrive at the crucial time. A spokesman for BartCorp denied allegations of foul play stating that the shipment was simply held up at Kahuna’s Customs & Excise.
Speaking to the media a short while ago, Kahuna said that today was indeed a dark day for the planet and vowed to counter Gordon’s plans by any means necessary, including but not limited to adjusting the axial tilt of the planet. Analysts, however, cautioned such moves on the grounds that they could be quite wobbly.
KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of Professor Gordon at every available opportunity.
While Phil’s revelation was roundly booed by those gathered at Gobbler’s Knob, a jubilant Gordon announced that he had delivered a major blow to Kahuna’s efforts at ushering in the first thaw of spring. Gordon disclosed that he had entered into an exclusive agreement with Phil, under which winter will be extended by a six-week period, with the option for a further three-week extension, for the next five years. Adding that Phil was amply compensated, Gordon indicated that he was also in negotiations with Staten Island Chuck, Wiarton Willie and Shubenacadie Sam to further consolidate his positition.
Experts ruminating over Gordon’s coup suggested that the arch-climatologist may have resorted to this highly unorthodox approach after failing in his patented, High-bypass Turbofan Method of global cooling. Gordon was reportedly having trouble getting his array of jet engines off the ground due to a shipment of capacitors sourced from Bart’s Surplus (a wholly-owned subsidiary of BartCorp) failing to arrive at the crucial time. A spokesman for BartCorp denied allegations of foul play stating that the shipment was simply held up at Kahuna’s Customs & Excise.
Speaking to the media a short while ago, Kahuna said that today was indeed a dark day for the planet and vowed to counter Gordon’s plans by any means necessary, including but not limited to adjusting the axial tilt of the planet. Analysts, however, cautioned such moves on the grounds that they could be quite wobbly.
KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of Professor Gordon at every available opportunity.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
The Coming of Spring
GAILLIMH, Éire -- Today is the festival of Imbolc according to the ancient Celtic calendar. Although, the snow-covered northern hemisphere may suggest otherwise, spring begins today. It is believed that Kahuna will engage in ceremonies to bring forth the sun and thaw the planet.
In associated news, KNN learns that the notorious Professor Gordon is working feverishly to complete his array of high-bypass jet engines and prolong the winter. Experts were skeptical of the plans arguing that hell was more likely to freeze over prior to Gordon firing up his auxiliary power units. Gordon, however, provided a frosty reception to the media and remarked that his plans to end global warming were well on track.
KNN will monitor the highly liquid situation and provide live coverage.
In associated news, KNN learns that the notorious Professor Gordon is working feverishly to complete his array of high-bypass jet engines and prolong the winter. Experts were skeptical of the plans arguing that hell was more likely to freeze over prior to Gordon firing up his auxiliary power units. Gordon, however, provided a frosty reception to the media and remarked that his plans to end global warming were well on track.
KNN will monitor the highly liquid situation and provide live coverage.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Circus Update - Buffoonery Continues
ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- Bart the Oblivious and St Vandoofus have been re-exported to the opposite ends of the contiguous United States, considerably reducing local Clown Factor (CF) in Sri Lanka. The Peacemaker, however, is at large and appears to be on the offensive.
The Circus is now open for business with a new blog template that has considerably irked Professor Gordon. The portly one has purportedly discovered a thermocline in his bathtub and was not available for immediate comment. Despite these misgivings, the new template has been endorsed by both Vandoofus and the Monster. However, the Monster will be thumped with a large gamma-correction for suggesting that it is too bright.
In political news, enlightened members of the general public were seen armed with broomsticks to greet species of governing monkey of revolutionary disposition. The philosophy of comrade Lenin was ignominiously scuttled to make a hasty retreat and preserve the unholy posterior. Kahuna and Professor Gordon issued a rare joint statement applauding the public action and called for the establishment of the Most Noble Order of the Idala. Detractors, who criticized the statement as being tantamount to legalization of witchcraft, have been offered a knighthood in the proposed Order. The broomstick futures market sky-rocketed during the day's trading, prompting some investors to make a clean sweep.
In related news, Kahuna has proposed that all astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics be cast into the sea under a new memorandum of understanding entered into with Poseidon. Kahuna declined to provide further details of the arrangement, but indicated that His proposals were concrete. Analysts admitted that the medium-term forecast for the industry remained uncertain.
In other news, Utter Buffoonery (UB) has been reported from Menace Mansions, home of the newly betrothed Menace (aka Her Royal Highness) and Huggles. Attempts to construct the traditional milk rice in a rice cooker have been completely bungled by the non-standard use of the steamer attachment. A KNN camera crew which infiltrated the premises has obtained exclusive footage of the debacle. These will be revealed in due course at considerable risk to personal safety.
The Circus is now open for business with a new blog template that has considerably irked Professor Gordon. The portly one has purportedly discovered a thermocline in his bathtub and was not available for immediate comment. Despite these misgivings, the new template has been endorsed by both Vandoofus and the Monster. However, the Monster will be thumped with a large gamma-correction for suggesting that it is too bright.
In political news, enlightened members of the general public were seen armed with broomsticks to greet species of governing monkey of revolutionary disposition. The philosophy of comrade Lenin was ignominiously scuttled to make a hasty retreat and preserve the unholy posterior. Kahuna and Professor Gordon issued a rare joint statement applauding the public action and called for the establishment of the Most Noble Order of the Idala. Detractors, who criticized the statement as being tantamount to legalization of witchcraft, have been offered a knighthood in the proposed Order. The broomstick futures market sky-rocketed during the day's trading, prompting some investors to make a clean sweep.
In related news, Kahuna has proposed that all astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics be cast into the sea under a new memorandum of understanding entered into with Poseidon. Kahuna declined to provide further details of the arrangement, but indicated that His proposals were concrete. Analysts admitted that the medium-term forecast for the industry remained uncertain.
In other news, Utter Buffoonery (UB) has been reported from Menace Mansions, home of the newly betrothed Menace (aka Her Royal Highness) and Huggles. Attempts to construct the traditional milk rice in a rice cooker have been completely bungled by the non-standard use of the steamer attachment. A KNN camera crew which infiltrated the premises has obtained exclusive footage of the debacle. These will be revealed in due course at considerable risk to personal safety.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Et in Bogusa Ego
PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- With the dawn of the new year out the rubble of the last bogus one, it is indeed a pity that the most intelligent form of life on this planet continue to behave like idiots. Perhaps this year will be better than the last. Sadly, the latest forecast remains negative.
For those who do not have the time, Kahuna wishes them the Gift of Time bundled with a Cesium clock. For those who cannot see the light, a bullock cart of Magnesium flares at twenty paces. And for those who lack values, 3.6 million stolen nickels airdropped on their sorry behinds.
Samuel Clemens once said:
For Himself, Kahuna wishes for patience that He may tolerate those who do not have the time, cannot see light and have no values to speak of. Nah, scratch that. Gimme a shovel to bury 'em. Et in Bogusa Ego.
For those who do not have the time, Kahuna wishes them the Gift of Time bundled with a Cesium clock. For those who cannot see the light, a bullock cart of Magnesium flares at twenty paces. And for those who lack values, 3.6 million stolen nickels airdropped on their sorry behinds.
Samuel Clemens once said:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.It appears no one listened. Typical human behavior.
For Himself, Kahuna wishes for patience that He may tolerate those who do not have the time, cannot see light and have no values to speak of. Nah, scratch that. Gimme a shovel to bury 'em. Et in Bogusa Ego.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
In Memoriam
For those who died in Asia on 26th December 2004.
Do not Stand at my Grave and Weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there: I did not die
- Mary Elizabeth Frye
Friday, December 10, 2004
Gordon Exploits Cats' Paws in Power Bid
File photo of Augustus, Spartacus and Claudius (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)
NEW ROME, Ganemulla – In late-breaking news, KNN has learned of sordid actives in the cat-infested headquarters of arch-zoologist, Professor Gordon. It has come to light that the crackpot taxidermist’s three cats, Augustus, Claudius and Spartacus hold portfolios in the newly formed Gordon Administration. The thug Spartacus has been appointed Gordon's Secretary of Defense, while the sadistic Augustus is reportedly Secretary of State. The insatiable Claudius has apparently taken over as Chief of Staff.
Political analysts predicted that the Gordon Administration’s foreign policy would be similar to the cowboy-style adopted by the Shrub Administration, but with more cats and less horses. Particle physicists strongly disagreed and said that cats tend to exhibit fermion behavior and resist herding in accordance with the Pauli exclusion principle. They added that Gordon’s was doomed from the get go, as his cats would be unable to agree on anything, including when to have a nap. Political analysts shot back saying this was all a load of bosons. No immediate condensate was likely at the time of blogging.
The rationale behind Gordon’s feline naming convention remains a mystery. However, sources close to the situation revealed that Gordon is trying to resurrect the Roman Empire and unilaterally declare himself despot and emperor under the name and style of Gaius Gordianus Maximus (i.e., Fat Gordon). He would be known in the common tongue as Gordian IV (Gordian III having been previously bumped off by the Praetorian Guard). Kendaliyaddapaluwa will become the New Rome (Nova Roma) of the proposed empire, the standard of which will bear the acronym GFQR (Gordianus Felisque Romanus) which translates as Gordon and the Cats of Rome. Historians mused that this bears an uncanny resemblance to the ancient SPQR (Senatus Populusque Romanus) or the Senate and the People of Rome, used during the days of the old empire.
Speaking to the media, Kahuna condemned Gordon’s proposed move and threatened to airdrop a container-load of catnip (Nepeta cataria) over New Rome to disrupt the senate session scheduled for later this evening. In response, Secretary Augustus spat back and threatened to invade Kahuna’s Republic of Boston in search of the fabled Cheese of Mass Destruction. Kahuna vehemently denied the existence of such a device and said that any act of aggression would be met with stiff resistance.
KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of this developing story.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Good Luck, Teddybear!
The Circus wishes the Teddybear all the best for his exams tomorrow. Of course, we would also like to remind the Bear that studying really hard helps too! Kahuna would also like to take this opportunity to share His favorite exam question:
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.However, we hope the Bear's exam won't require props other than pen and paper :-)
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Cat Receives MBA – Academia Goes to the Dogs
SANTA CATALINA, California Republic -- Outright Buffoonery (OB) has been reported from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where a deputy attorney general’s cat has been awarded an online MBA. The report filed by the Associated Press and reported by CNN is reproduced in part below.
In a press release issued to the media, Professor Gordon revealed that the three cats residing at his known hideout had advanced degrees in catnapping, cataloging and computerized axial tomography. Kahuna responded by accusing Gordon of cat burglary and operating an unauthorized zoo. These claims have not been substantiated, although an above-average concentration of porcupines was encountered within the premises.
Catbert (a senior clown of feline persuasion from the Bogusan Empire) was not available for comment on these latest developments.
HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania (AP) -- The Pennsylvania attorney general's office Monday sued an online university for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat.This latest academic lunacy follows simian doctoral awards made in Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte, the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.
Trinity Southern University in Texas, a cellular company and the two brothers who ran them are accused of misappropriating Internet addresses of the state Senate and more than 60 Pennsylvania businesses to sell fake degrees and prescription drugs by spam e-mail, according to the lawsuit.
Investigators paid $299 for a bachelor's degree for Colby Nolan -- a deputy attorney general's 6-year-old black cat -- claiming he had experience including baby-sitting and retail management.
The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average.
In a press release issued to the media, Professor Gordon revealed that the three cats residing at his known hideout had advanced degrees in catnapping, cataloging and computerized axial tomography. Kahuna responded by accusing Gordon of cat burglary and operating an unauthorized zoo. These claims have not been substantiated, although an above-average concentration of porcupines was encountered within the premises.
Catbert (a senior clown of feline persuasion from the Bogusan Empire) was not available for comment on these latest developments.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
The Monkey Doctor – Academia Goes Ape
SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In academic news, doctoral degrees in that most noble field of political science, are now handed out based on the prospective candidate’s oral aperture (measured in f-stops), vocal magnitude (measured in decibels) and MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) rather than intelligence quotient. Links to unsavory characters? Capital! Extra credits.
The incumbents of the Temple of the Monkey are eminently suitable for this honor bestowed by an institution that is, in retrospection not merely open, but gaping. Geologists believe that this level of openness borders on faulty and eclipses the Strait of Gibraltar by several orders of magnitude.
Gibraltar is incidentally, the home of the Barbary Ape (Macaca sylvanus), the only semi-wild monkey in Europe. Its completely wild cousins may be seen in their natural habitat – the aptly named Temple mentioned previously.
In related news, Professor Gordon issued a statement suggesting that the world's energy needs could be completely met if the hot air and greenhouse gas output of all politicians was efficiently harnessed. In hurriedly presented counter-proposals, Kahuna suggested that all politicians be flug into space using a specially constructed mass driver.
The incumbents of the Temple of the Monkey are eminently suitable for this honor bestowed by an institution that is, in retrospection not merely open, but gaping. Geologists believe that this level of openness borders on faulty and eclipses the Strait of Gibraltar by several orders of magnitude.
Gibraltar is incidentally, the home of the Barbary Ape (Macaca sylvanus), the only semi-wild monkey in Europe. Its completely wild cousins may be seen in their natural habitat – the aptly named Temple mentioned previously.
In related news, Professor Gordon issued a statement suggesting that the world's energy needs could be completely met if the hot air and greenhouse gas output of all politicians was efficiently harnessed. In hurriedly presented counter-proposals, Kahuna suggested that all politicians be flug into space using a specially constructed mass driver.
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