The Eve of Samhain

INVERGORDON, Scotland -- The dark half of the year begins tonight with the Eve of Samhain. Winter is upon us and the world grows colder. Kahuna announced that He would be presiding over bonfire ceremonies later tonight, and did not rule out sacrificing Darth Teddy on grounds of dubious cuddliness.

It is believed that Darth Gordon will do the rounds tonight in a highly modified, polarity reversed vacuum cleaner. The portly one has decided against the traditional broomstick due to concerns of increased drag given his generous aerodynamic profile. It is also believed that the device will be heavily cloaked to avoid radar.

Kahuna accused Gordon of attempting to cause global warming by operating a SUV with complete disregard for the environment. Industry analysts cautioned that Gordon’s indiscriminate gas guzzling could result in a severe emission problem while escalating demand and triggering an oil crisis. Responding to critics, Gordon angrily declared that his vacuum cleaner was environmentally friendly and denied that it was powered by flatulence.

The situation remained flammable at the time of blogging and KNN will monitor the situation with a blowtorch.

Monstrous Greetings!

Foliage Ablaze (Copyright © 2005 The Monster)

MIDDLETOWN, Connecticut - Greetings fellow Clowns! Pardon the long silence on my part and apologies to Darth Teddy and most of you for my sudden, uninformed, Bogusa-enforced relocation; Hope you are all keeping well & merry!

Belated B'day wishes to all large clowns of fame born in the month of October! Naresh & Suren!

I leave you with a picturesque capture from my habitual Sunday evening walk trough the Autumn struck woods, enjoy...

Mole Day Celebrated Today

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- Mole Day is celebrated in America between 6:02 am and 6:02 pm today, October 23^rd. Got mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023.

New Historical Archives Reveal More History

Connecticut - (ENN) - New research conducted by the Center for Historical Archives now reveals, between the years of 876BC and 787BC, the Kingdom of Vandissia might have spanned the vast land from the northern borders of Canada to the southern costal tip of Florida. The kingdom also seemed to have had a treaty with its northern neighbor, Canada, by which Canada paid huge sums of money to the Kingdom in order to deter invasion and to protect Canada from other forces. For the most part of this period the kingdom was ruled by Vandoofus I also known as Vandoofus the Magnificent. Historical records uncovered recently by archeologist and historians say at least two fierce battles were fought between the forces loyal to Vandoofus I and Kahuna the Horrible. One of them is said to have taken place in the town of Boston (Present day Boston) for the control of the state of Massachusetts and the second, a few years later, for the state of Connecticut was fought in the town of Hartford (Present day Hartford). Vandoofus I emerged victorious in both these campaigns and there by managed to extend his kingdom all the way from the northern frontier to the southern coast of the Florida Keys.

The defeat left Kahuna the Horrible with no real statehood. He suffered heavy loses. His military was almost entirely wiped out and his brigade of cattle was all slaughtered and eaten. Having survived two embarrassing defeats, Kahuna retreated to the islands of Bahamas and became a goat herder.

Vandoofus I, along with his family, loyal soldiers, ministers and advisors set up a base in the town of New York (Present day New York City). The stability and the economic boom that followed converted the town into a flourishing metropolis. The people of Vandissia, thanks to the great emperor Vandoofus the Magnificent, lived a luxurious life with most modern day conveniences known to us such as schools, Karaoke bars, strip clubs, museums and DMVs.

Recently uncovered historical documents reveal Kahuna was subsequently given an official pardon and was invited to the mainland by King Vandoofus I. The legend goes Kahuna, during a brief meeting with the highness, attacked the king in an unsuccessful and pathetic attempt to change the course of the succession. Vandoofus I, being magnificent, defended himself successfully and managed to restrain Kahuna until the guards arrived. Guards escorted Kahuna to the dungeons and later amidst kicking and screaming, was carried to the moat and fed to the crocodiles in front a large public gathering.

Vandoofus I ruled the kingdom until his death which occured of natural causes in 745BC. He was succeeded by one of his many children by many wives. After months of deliberation the wise men of Vandissia named the new king - Vandoofus II

Unquotable Quotes - Part 8

I will borrow a De Lorean and deliver this to your future Paternal-One-In-Law.

- Kahuna to Gordon, threatening to go back in time to deliver the Ten Rules for Fathers with Daughters to the latter’s future father-in-law.

That would put you just past Pluto in the Oort cloud.

- Kahuna, fixing Gordon’s location in space based on his pathetic IM response time.

Have a nice day. Or whatever suitable greeting they use in the slime pits of hell where you dwell.

- Darth Ching, issuing a warm greeting to Kahuna.

This project took close to five months by Kronos.

- Gordon, defending budget overruns of the Blare GITT Project.

I was thinking of a ferrite filter around the entire vehicle.

- Kahuna, announcing plans to curtail RF emissions from the mobile theater-enabled GITT Mk2.

So you think I should check quantity-on-hand of elephants?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on the need to check for availability of elephants prior to sending them to maul the Jester.

You just caused a mass violation of the Archimedes principle.

- Kahuna to Gordon, accusing the latter’s face of sinking a thousand ships, implicating Helen in the subsequent recovery effort and ultimately causing the Trojan War.

It sounded like an elephant colliding with a badly tuned grand piano at 35 mph.

- Kahuna striking a sour note about Gordon’s Finale.

You will backup your existence and do so now.

- Gordon, instructing Kahuna to examine the Cell microarchitecture.

Maybe you get strippers for in-flight entertainment or something.

- Gordon, attempting to rationalize the exorbitant cost of airfare to Dhaka.

Or retrofit it with a sponge.

- Maximillian Bartus, proposing to dabble in alternative medicine upon his liver.

How precisely do you intend to seize it? Do you require tongs?

- Kahuna to Maximillian Bartus, on the precautions the latter intends to take before seizing the day after a weekend of unrivaled decadence.

tareeeeeeeeeeeeeppp=============555555555555[[[[[[[[[[[[ke8cd.

- Waffles, taking a stroll on Kahuna’s keyboard.

You’re not featured in UQ8. You should do something about that. Even my cat is featured.

- Kahuna alerting St Vandoofus to a distinct lack of classical quotations from New York.

You think I’d rather be spending that time jerking off?

- St Vandoofus, taking matters into his own hands after being told his time would be better utilized by not mucking around his news website.

[The] Circus needs reforms, or a regime change.

- St Vandoofus, threatening to overthrow Kahuna and introduce perestroika^[1] in the Circus.

Bloody Bolshevik!

- Kahuna, responding to St Vandoofus’s unsolicited reform proposals.

^[1] Shortly after this conversation, it was discovered that Alexander Yakovlev believed to be the architect of Mikhail Gorbachev's glasnost and perestroika policies, died today at the age of 81.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 2 – The Way of the Ugguduwa[1]

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A recent commotion in the ceiling of Kahuna’s abode led to the following buffoonery that quite literally went to pot.

Kahuna : There's a rumpus in the SCA X-(
Gordon : Eh?
Kahuna : Suspended Ceiling Architecture
Gordon : Heh heh, I see
Kahuna : This may be due to a hothambuwa[2]
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : :=))
Kahuna : Or even a kalawedda[3]
Gordon : In addition to the one in your room :=))
Kahuna : #$!@$#@#%#$%#$%
Gordon : ROTFL
Kahuna : I will send a mugatiya[4] to deal with you
Gordon : You appear to be operating an unlicensed
         private zoo X-(
Kahuna : Look who's talking
Kahuna : Your illicit banana plantation in the
         Bahamas for instance...
Gordon : If I had holdings in the Bahamas,
         I wouldn’t be mucking about here
Kahuna : Obviously this is a front for tax evasion
Gordon : I will get the courts to stop this
         investigation[5] if you don’t watch it X-(
Kahuna : You’re using the proceeds from your banana
         empire to finance nefarious deeds X-(
Gordon : Such as?
Kahuna : The Blare GITT Project for starters
Gordon : You're the one growing genetically modified
         marijuana X-(
Kahuna : Ha! I knew it!
Kahuna : You’re in the pot business
Gordon : Bah

No polecats were harmed during the course of this production.

^[1] Common Indian Palm-cat (Paradoxurus hemaphroditus hemaphroditus).
^[2] Sri Lanka Ruddy Mongoose (Herpestes smithii zeylanicus).
^[3] Golden Palm Cat (Paradoxurus zeylonensis).
^[4] Common Sri Lanka Grey Mongoose (Herpestes edwardsii lanka).
^[5] A threat to invoke the supremely powerful Hambantota Maneuver.

Maul the Jester Coding Competition Announced

PORCUPINE PLAIN, Saskatchewan -- After a considerable hiatus, the amateur comic known as the Jester has raised its unsightly head once more and emerged from the proverbial woodwork.

Speaking to reporters this morning, Kahuna announced that the Jester should be mauled swiftly and with style^[1]. He said that a Maul the Jester Coding Competition has been mooted to determine creative and unusual means of achieving this most noble end. There are no limitations on languages and the use of elephants, Nile crocodiles and other legitimate fauna is permitted.

Welcoming the move, Bugware Evangelist Darth Gordon said he would propose an object-oriented approach to the problem, liberally mixed with structured query language, but bordering on voodoo.

Kahuna presented the following generic high-level language code as an example solution to the Jester problem:

EXTERNAL Code_of_Hammurabi, Jester, Elephants,
 Bananas;

SUSPEND Code_of_Hammurabi;
SUMMON Elephants;
BRIEF Elephants;
MAUL Jester USING Elephants;
DEBRIEF Elephants;
REWARD Elephants WITH Bananas;
DISPERSE Elephants;
ENABLE Code_of_Hammurabi;

Kahuna cautioned that the code was not meant to be complete and provided purely to illustrate a solution involving elephants. He added that executing the code in its present form might result in a stampede.

Concluding His press conference, Kahuna invited solutions to the Jester problem. These He said should be blogged or left as comments for review by the evaluation committee.

Darth Teddy, a known Jester antagonist was not available for comment.

^[1] Allusions to Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker are intentional.

Gordon Joins Dark Side

CORUSCANT -- A press release issued by the Sith today announced that crackpot inventor, Professor Gordon had officially joined the Dark Side. According to letters patent granted by the Sith, Gordon will henceforth be known as Ebenezer Vader, 1^st Darth Gordon of Ganemulla, with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto. The title is hereditary.

Gordon’s reasons for joining the Dark Side, however, appear to be highly unconventional as substantiated during his initial interview (readers are advised to view links to experience the full effect of the dialog):

Gordon : If I join the Dark Side, will I be Ebenezer
         Vader or Darth Gordon?
Kahuna : You have a choice of name X-(
Kahuna : You might want to try Ebenezer Vader, Darth
         Gordon à la Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Gordon : I prefer Darth Gordon
Kahuna : You might go so far as to style yourself 
         Ebenezer Vader, 1st Darth Gordon
Kahuna : A precedent has been set by Alfred Tennyson,
         1st Baron Tennyson
Kahuna : Are you formally joining the Dark Side? 
Kahuna : Shall I send an application form? 
Gordon : Please do
Kahuna : By Darth Huggles 
Gordon : Do I need to sleep with the approval board? 
Kahuna : No, but this could expedite the process 
         considerably
Gordon : X-(
Kahuna : Do you have reasons for wishing to join the 
         Dark Side?
Gordon : Indeed, I want a Vader outfit
Kahuna : With or without mask?
Gordon : Without
Gordon : I also want a lightsaber
Gordon : I could source externally of course by 
         [link]
Kahuna : This is not a Sith-approved vendor
Kahuna : Do you want assistance with laboured 
         breathing?
Gordon : This would make one heck of a dildo I guess
Gordon : I will build my own if you don’t watch it
         [link] 
Kahuna : Your perversions have no end
Kahuna : There's a good chance you'll muck up the 
         construction: [link]
Gordon : It appears there are much bigger clowns out
         there than we first estimated by [link]
Kahuna : Indeed, this could come in handy during 
         meetings 
Kahuna : Drawing one's lightsaber while commenting 
         "I find your lack of faith in the technical 
         architecture disturbing" has its plus points
Gordon : #@$%@#$#@$@

Darth Gordon, busy writing his memoirs, The Elephant must be Fed, was not available for comment.

KNN will continue to monitor this expanding situation.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 7

What are you referring to now, you infernal insomniac?

- Darth Ching, responding to an interrupt issued by Kahuna.

Judging by your alcohol-blood ratio, I believe you're quite close to an ethanol-based life form.

- Kahuna, raising a highly flammable point with Darth Ching.

It ain’t over till the Fat Man signs.

- Kahuna, making cryptic references to Professor Gordon’s refusal to scrawl on the dotted line.

Baaaaa!

- Darth Kahuna, issuing a greeting in their native tongue, to a group of sheep found in the yard of a house in Bernisdale, on the Isle of Skye.

Baaa! Baaaaaaa?

- The sheep, politely reciprocating and enquiring where Kahuna learned to speak the language so fluently.

I tell you it was burying a bone!

- Darth Teddy, insisting that a sheep encountered in Bernisdale was exhibiting patently canine behavior.

I am a senior senior java architect, I don’t know this trivial stuff.

- St Vandoofus in his own defense, on being unable to add two columns correctly in Microsoft Excel.

Drawing one's lightsaber while commenting, "I find your lack of faith in the technical architecture disturbing” has its plus points.

- Darth Kahuna, mulling over the use of a lightsaber to settle disputes during a design meeting.

I have moved up in the Empire.

- Professor Gordon, on being kicked upstairs to the 15^th floor.

Has your net pay increased with altitude?

- Darth Kahuna to Professor Gordon, attempting to establish direct correlation before offering the latter a highly paid assignment in low Earth orbit.

If You Proceed Further Downwards

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- If given the opportunity for you to look further down from the Angel of Christian Charity, just a tad above hell, you will have a clear view of the Angel of the Dark Side. A stunning combination indeed.

Teddy Denies Allegations and Sheds More Light

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- Curious as to the reactions of DT after these ludicrous allegations by Kahunna (Darth) one of our star reporters at BNN, S. D. Dog has gone to great lengths to catch up with DT (mostly because the distance was a straight line). Through Teddy's responses to our obvious questions such as "What is your view on these rubbish accusations made by Kahuna (Darth)?" we learned that it was indeed Kahuna (Darth) that initiated connections with one dubious character called Inter Net and begged DT to make the so called reservations without having the IQ to primarily find out where the location was (eg: Left, Right or the Middle of Nowhere).

It must clearly be noted that all bookings undertaken when Kahuna (Darth) was not in receptive mood were made to perfection by DT with no complications whatsoever. Kahuna's non-receptive moods can also be defined as "Hossa Langin Massa Yanna Baa" which in laymans refers to ones chin and a common house fly. This behaviour we at BNN have defined as Class DC which means DamnChildish.

Speaking of "Baa", peaceful residents at Bernisdale (no, not the cats) also had a terrible shock when they happened to open their front door and saw a strange individual , namely Kahuna (Darth), trying to communicate with their pet sheep. This was indeed disturbing as an eyewitness said that it seemed like Kahuna (Darth) was attempting to coax one of the pet sheep to hand over its bone that it was burying in the back garden for use later on. It must be said that these reports are far from unconfirmed.

This is all DT was willing to share with us today and I believe we should thank him for clearing out the bogosities put forward by Kahuna (Darth). Thats it from me S. D. Dog and I will be back soon with more startling reports of the Caledonian Whatumaycallit. I wish you a not too baaaaaa ...d day.

And now for the weather with Ms. F. T. Cat ...

USPS Stamps Out Gordon

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- In a surprising move, the United States Postal Service (USPS) has issued a commemorative stamp featuring Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker as part of a collection in honor of Jim Henson and the Muppets.

It is believed that this latest move was calculated to snub Professor Gordon who was trounced by the duo to become the UK's top scientists last year. Adding insult to injury, even the Swedish Chef and a chicken made it to the collection.

Experts mused that a hidden hand (possibly gloved) may be behind these latest attempts to discredit Gordon. The latex evidence, they said, points to Gordon's arch rival, Maximillian Bartus.

Gordon was not available for comment.

The Angel of Christian Charity

The Angel of Christian Charity popularly known as Eros, atop the Shaftesbury Memorial fountain at Picadilly Circus (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

Kahuna Accuses Darth Teddy of Bernisdale Fiasco

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- While there appears to have been a minor lexical anomaly in His previous post due to a keyboard malfunction, Kahuna would like to remind the Bear that the Bear, the whole Bear and nothing but the Bear is solely responsible for the Bernisdale^[1] fiasco.

Who, might we ask, booked us into the treacherous, cat-infested lair of Dorothy? It must also be pointed out that the Bear was far from apologetic when confronted by the huge sheep-sized cats in person.

More on this sordid topic will be exposed later.

^[1] Located on the Isle of Skye, about ten miles from Portree—essentially, in the middle of nowhere. Unremarkably, the name appears to be Old Norse for Bjorn’s Dale. Who Bjorn was and why in particular he occupied an entire dale is not known.

Darth Teddy will Shed Light, for a Price

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- We caught up with DT earlier today and he told us that he is indeed able to provide and insight as to why the clown formerly known as Kahuna (Big) has joined the dark side. However this will only be done at a price said the cuddly Bear with bids starting at 25 cuddles.

Also DT would like to apologize to the cats at Bernisdale for DK's apparent deterioration in spelling abilities in regard to their residency.

And now for the weather with Ms. Summer Lovin...

Kahuna Returns, Confirms Dark Deeds

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- In a press conference held a short while ago, Kahuna announced that He had returned from His joint Caledonian Expedition with the supposedly cuddly Darth Teddy. Kahuna also confirmed reports that He had joined the Dark Side and would now be known as Darth Kahuna. He declined to provide reasons for this shocking revelation, but promised to bring to light details of the expedition in the weeks to come. This is widely expected to involve a hunt for the Loch Ness Monster and a harrowing escape from the cat-infested desolation of Bernicedale.

Analysts were quick to welcome the move and pointed out that regular blog features such as mud slinging at Professor Gordon, could also be expected to resume in the near future.

Return of the Teddy (Rhymes with Jedi)

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- There have been rumours floating around in the past week that the infamous world traveller, none other than the Teddybear has arrived back in his native land. Rumour also has it that the Bear's arrival has been greeted by a mixture of open arms and evasive action. Well most of you will be thrilled to know that these rumours are a rumour no more but infact very true. We at BNN caught up with the Bear who by the way now answers to the name Darth Teddy following his recent transition to the dark side to take up duties as Angel of the Dark Side. The reason for this transition is still not known in detail, however a fresh set of rumours suggest a Geisha Girl of tritonian proportions may have groundbreaking answers to this very question. On questioning DT regarding this matter a strange reference to the oldie Any Dream Will Do and the popular flick Austin Powers: Goldmember were made. We are still unable to decrypt this comment and might have to refer it to the TRANSLTR [Digital Fortress] in order to get a clearer image.

However, DT also spoke briefly on his tour of England and Scotland with one Kahuna (Big) and stated that this was a most enjoyable two weeks. He was also thrilled with the fact that during these two weeks he was able to convert Kahuna (Big) to the dark side. More of this later on in the week. We also had unconfirmed reports that another member of the Circus had also made a transiton to the dark side, although a more conservative one. Information on this will be broadcast as soon as we have hard evidence, no pun intended.

DT has promised us that he will provide BNN with another exclusive interview on his exploits during his travels and also of his two week long tour with on Kahuna (Big). Certains points of this tour might be backed up with photographic evidence we hear, yummy... (clears throat) ... pardon me.

Also, we must warn you that there have been confirmed reports of escaped convicts that have seen prowling around Colombo. We strongly suggest that you go downstairs, lock all your doors and please always check under your bed before going to sleep at night. However to put your mind at rest a little the recent trend has been that these convicts have thus far only tried to gain access to Geisha girls which to be honest has apparently been a piece of cake.

Thats all for now, we shall be bringing you more exclusive interviews with Darth Teddy in the days and weeks to come.

And now for the weather with Ms. H.T. Unda-Da Colla...

The Sound of Silence...

Is it that the Circus is under arrest and has the Constitutional right to remain silent where anything it publishes can be held against it?

Or

Has the Circus Maximus been burnt down!!?

Vandoofus Thanks the Huggalots: Press Release

Flushings, NY -- After returning, Vandoofus in a press release said he would like to thank all members of the huggalot club for the generous gifts presented to him on several functions that was held in the Colombo area in his honor. He said he thoroughly relished the gifts, particularly the latest womens' fashion accessories and instructional books that will be undeniably useful to him. He also said, although, he held strong anti-hugging views he has come to like the habit. He specifically enjoyed the tight embracement of the big, strong, muscular members of the club. However, he added, he has decided not to return to Sri Lanka until the huggalots have been dismantled. He provided no explanation for this decision.

Vandoofus Hugged in the Early Hours

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news breaking from the Coffee Shop of the Colombo Plaza, Senior Clown St Vandoofus has been accosted and hugged by Huggles in the early hours of the morning. Details remain sketchy.

Kahuna, who was blisfully asleep at the time, was not involved in the incident. However, it is believed that He was awakened by Huggles shortly afterwards to report the latest buffoonery.