The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages - Part 9: Dissonance in the Dark

HEMEL HEMPSTEAD, United Kingdom -- Today we bring you a conversation between Darth Teddy and Kahuna from several months ago when the anaconda keeper was being a public nuisance in the greater Watford area.

Darth Teddy is an ardent Manchester United fan and—like others of similar disposition—considers Old Trafford to be the Holy Land. The allegedly cuddly one spends significant time engaged in religious observances, including but not limited to drooling over wonder boy, Cristiano Ronaldo. Woe be unto those who interrupt Sunday football or badmouth the Red Devils. Naturally, this zealous faith leads to the frequent irritation of Kahuna, and this instance was no exception:

Darth Teddy (DT): Now what's bitten you?
Kahuna (K): I'm getting cheesed off by your religious observances.
DT: Well you are going to have to maintain a stiff upper lip and swallow it cause the faith ain't getting weaker.
K: Swallow it? This is a highly dodgy metaphor X-(
DT: Indeed, I know. It was done intentionally.
K: Stiff upper lip, indeed. In your case this could only mean one thing X-(
DT: Stop harping.
K: Bah, you need to be bashed with a trumpet.
DT: I'm sure.
K: I don't like your tone.
DT: Bah, you are listening to the wrong key.
K: You need to be knocked down a few octaves if you ask me.
DT: Nonsense, you are clutching at semitones.
K: Crotchety today aren't we?
DT: Utter hogwash, you are full of woodwind.
K: A well-tuned oboe will settle your hash once and for all.
DT: Bah, you need a violin bow to straighten you out.
K: A contrabassoon dropped on your big toe will change your tune.
DT: Oh stop blowing your trombone.
K: That's quite a bass remark X-(
DT: It should bring down your treble.
K: You're striking quite a discord here.
DT: Your flute should get some blowing if you ask me.
K: You never managed to finger your piccolo right did you?
DT: Er no, I specialize in fingering 3rd party piccolos.
K: You should keep your crumhorn^[1] to yourself X-(
DT: Nonsense, my crumhorn has been the pleasure of many a piccolo.
K: This would explain the high notes, yes X-(
DT: Indeed, I have a knack of tapping the right keys.
K: Bah, you're just fingering in the dark.
DT: Jealousy rings like a triangle from your voice.
K: Why don't you go beat your own drum?
DT: Nonsense, I have enoughs sticks to call upon to beat my drum.
K: This is like placing the monkey in charge of the baton X-(
DT: Very well, I will dispatch a monkey to play with your baton.
K: Kindly keep your monkey off my baton X-(
DT: My monkey has no interest in your baton. However, I shall make sure I dispatch one that does. I shall now abscond to construct kottu.
K: keep your monkey out of trouble.

Quite a cacophony if you ever heard one. Darth Teddy's baton-seeking monkeys never turned up, possibly having stuffed themselves on kottu instead.

Sadly, the remainder of this conversation is completely unbloggable, mostly due to a discussion of Darth Teddy's hitherto unknown kinky nature. We can, however, conclude that there is a high likelihood of a cat o' nine tails featuring prominently in the Bear's future. On that disturbing note, we conclude today's post.

^[1] It's not what you're thinking. A crumhorn is a perfectly legitimate musical instrument of the woodwind family. More details here.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 20: Of Tuning Forks and Chainsaws

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Hello, here we are once again. Kahuna is still incapacitated due to what has now been identified as a malfunction in cranial nerve V. He has been prescribed medication with side-effects seemingly more dangerous than His ailment, possibly an indication that the medical profession is out to get Him. The perception of sound a semitone lower than the actual pitch is among some of the more exotic of these side-effects. This bit of information led an early morning squabble with Professor Gordon:

Kahuna (K): Wallop()
Gordon (G): The bipolar tone-deaf idiot X-(
K: I will feed you iron filings and send you for an MRI scan X-(
G: I will drive you nuts with a tuning fork :-P
K: Do you know what I'll do to you with your tuning fork? X-(
G: Given your bipolar nature, it's quite difficult to predict :-D
K: Good, I'll have the element of surprise >:-)
G: Retard X-(
K: Heh heh heh.

Readers would probably be relieved to learn that Kahuna does not suffer from a bipolar disorder as alleged by Gordon. His perception of 261.626 Hz as middle C also remains unchanged at the time of writing. Despite a rather rocky start, the discussion soon moved into more important topics; namely, Gordon's plans to host a family reunion in the continental United States:

G: In other news PO, MO and Cl Sibling are plotting a visit to these parts.
K: What steps will you take to counterbalance the global CF^[1] shift?
G: The Monster may also converge on Atlanta.
K: Should I repeat my question? X-(
G: I might have to send Vandoofus to Madagascar to compensate.
K: Madagascar? I believe it is currently mucking about in New Zealand X-(
G: Ah, in that case we have balance.
K: A precarious one if you ask me: someone farting at the CNN Center could easily upset the whole thing.
G: PO's acquisition of a chainsaw sent his CF through the roof.
K: And you want Vandoofus to compensate? X-(
G: Vandoofus's CF was established sans power tools. If he gets a power tool, we'll have to cover him in concrete à la Chernobyl X-(
K: Are you sure PO won't pack his chainsaw? X-(
G: Er no, however, he might acquire upgrades at the Home Depot X-(
K: I didn't realize a concrete sarcophagus could contain CF X-(
G: Would you like to be encased in one to disprove the theory?
K: Bah, nonsense: the burden of proof is upon you; it will be joined by a medium-sized hippo if you're not careful.
G: Hippos are quite violent X-(
K: Precisely. I'm counting on it to take offence at the arrangements right from the outset.

[After a considerable pause]

K: Did it finish you off? :-P
G: Er no, I am gathering documents for the Hon Consul X-(

The discussion was adjourned, thereafter, on account of the late hour in Alpharetta. No hippopotomi were harmed during this production. However, Kahuna reserves the right to deal with Gordon using a badly tuned grand piano.

^[1] For the uninitiated, CF means Clown Factor, a quantification of the clown nature. The SI unit for measurement of CF is the Kern (Kn) and interested readers will find more details in ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor.

Dealing with Monumental Stupidity - Part 1

CUBEVILLE, California Republic -- Empirical research has clearly established the increasing trend in corporate stupidity. The root cause of stupidity is almost always due to "management," or the lack thereof.

Here, we have have the Garbageman demonstrating a practical solution to this pervasive problem:

Admit it. You want one too, don't you? Well, you're in luck. Gordon Industries, Inc., has announced plans to mass-market the device. Demand so far has been brisk. Order yours today!

Socks in Repose

 


Socks in Repose (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna is indisposed today due to His operating temperature exceeding the design threshold. However, He could not resist taking a few shots of Socks, the new feline incumbent in the household. Kahuna's physician may not have appreciated the sight Him crawling on the floor attempting to get the framing just right, however, the end result was non-bogus.

Socks is a tuxedo cat and as her name suggests, has distinctive white socks, not entirely unlike Sylvester J Pussycat, Sr. She is currently convalescing from a viral infection. Socks is tolerated by Kahuna's canines. However, Waffles has expressed displeasure at the new arrangements.

Captured on 5^th May 2008, presumably against medical advice, using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 19: The Way of the Coconut

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- We're back again with another edition of the Kahuna-Gordon Messages, where we learn of the chaos perpetrated by Gordon in his latests nutty attempts at educating the populace of Georgia in the vernacular. To protect the guilty, we will refer to the protagonist behind this episode simply as 'P'. Translations are provided below for non-native language speakers:

Gordon (G): In other news, it is evident that P communicates using the YKMP protocol.
Kahuna (K): YKMP?
G: Indeed: Yanney Koheda, Malley Pol^[1].
K: Eh? Now what?
G: You ask it about X, it responds about Y.
K: @#$@#^$%%@#$@#$@#%@#$@#$@#$@#
K: Its L2 is corrupted obviously. You will thump it to reset its cache.
G: Indeed; I have updated the locals on YKMP terminology.
K: Oh?
G: Indeed; there was a mail forwarded claiming, "he's got coconuts in the bag again."
K: @$@#$@#%@#$^#$&$%$%@#%@#@#$
K: [FUME]
G: [ROTFL]
K: You're causing chaos X-(
G: No, P is.
K: You're nuts.
G: You're barking up the wrong tree.
K: An alavanguwa^[2] will sort you both out. Try translating that.
G: Potato bend?
K: Indeed.
G: Iti gediya.
K: Now, now.
G: Bambuwa^[3].
K: I will thump you with a visiketta^[4].
G: A manna pihiya^[5] might be more effective.
K: This looks like the proverbial monkey with the delipihiya^[6] X-(
G: You're attempting to cause kalabala^[7].
K: Oh? By Mawanella^[8]?
G: Exactly.
K: I should have eliminated you when I had the chance.
G: Mineemaruwa^[9].
K: Gas gemba^[10].
G: "Gus," I think is the correct term by Shell.
K: Bahu-jaathika buuwalla^[11].
G: Mee haraka^[12].
K: Uuru meeya^[13].

At which point, thankfully, the proceedings were adjourned sine die. No coconuts were smashed during this production, although, it is quite possible that the Anti-Pot may advocate such drastic measures in the coming months.

^[1] When asked, "Where are you going?" one responds, "I've got coconuts in the bag," demonstrating a total semantic disconnect between question and answer. In a Unix operating system, this form of behavior would qualify as a segmentation violation.
^[2] Literally, potato bend. A local species of crowbar used for drilling small holes in the ground or potentially, uprooting tubers or conceivably, rhizomes.
^[3] Literally a bamboo stem, used as an expression of annoyance.
^[4] Slasher.
^[5] Machete.
^[6] Straight razor.
^[7] State of disorder or, according to Gordon, a ruckus.
^[8] A small town in the Kegalle district, scene of communal riots some years ago.
^[9] Murderer.
^[10] Literally, tree frog.
^[11] Literally, multinational octopus. A slogan of choice often uttered by Marxist trade unions types during vitriolic diatribes against capitalism.
^[12] Buffalo.
^[13] Literally, pig rat. Refers to the Lesser Bandicoot Rat (Bandicota bengalensis) which apparently makes pig-like grunts while attacking.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 18: Bridge Over Troubled Water

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Arch-technologist Professor Gordon celebrated his n^th birthday today, where n was reportedly a fairly large integer. The BlueGene/L supercomputer at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory is believed to be busy solving for n, given the secrecy shrouding Gordon's biological age.

Kahuna hogged the international voice network a short while ago to convey felicitations and exchange threats. It transpired during the proceedings that Gordon was investigating the feasibility of building a bridge between the continental United States and Asia, given the rising cost of air travel:

Gordon (G): You see the case for my bridge now? X-(
Kahuna (K): This is a bridge too far if I ever saw one X-(
G: You are burning bridges X-(
K: Your span is getting me down; I should have you suspended X-(
G: You are stressed X-(
K: I'll have you gimbaled X-(
G: Don't make such riveting statements.
K: Would you prefer I get down to the nuts and bolts of this matter? X-(

Gordon's controversial plans purportedly involve the relocation of Iceland, a matter that may be met with some resistance from Reykjavik. Nonetheless, it is understood that Kahuna was not in favor of Gordon's bid to become the IK Brunel of the 21^st century.

In unrelated news, it is learned that Gordon had finally added his posterior to Facebook, voluntarily. This comes in the wake of an identity theft master-minded from the Republic of Ireland several months ago. Powerful clowns from Ireland are believed to have hijacked Gordon's identity and added him to Facebook, causing great annoyance to the portly one. Sadly, the matter was settled amicably.

On that note, we end today's post.

New Dilbert Website in Beta

CUBEVILLE, California Republic -- Scott Adams has just launched the new Dilbert website with archives in color all the way back to 2001. Embeddable content, as demonstrated below, is among other notable features.

Here, we have Mister Catbert, Evil Director of Human Resources confirming our worst suspicions about where nonsensical policies come from:

The Circus will in future be liberally punctuated with Dilbert cartoons, to appropriately illustrate the limitless bogosity of the corporate world.

Professor Gordon provided technical support in publishing this post, albeit at exorbitant daylight robbery rates.

Potty in Paradise or the Coming of the Anti-Pot

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- The new year was ushered in once more on Sunday amidst the backdrop of escalating inflation and in particular, a skyrocketing kirimati futures market.

An incident that took place a few days before the solar transition has been blamed for this latter state of affairs: the Chief Pachyderm had allegedly seen it fit to declare himself the Anti-Pot and call for the smashing of earthenware on a national scale. The objective of this potty activity was evidently to protest against the ruling monkeys having ignored previous protests, potentially having decided to see or hear no evil. Naturally, the Anti-Pot's elegantly ill-conceived plan backfired. Upsetting the fragile clay pot economy just prior to the new year might have been unsound, forcing the masses to use virtually indestructible aluminium pots as piñatas in kana mutti contests was, however, tantamount to blasphemy. The Anti-Pot has since been at the receiving end of choice potshots^[1][2].

The custom of deliberately demolishing earthenware appears to have originated in ancient Greece^[3], no doubt under the auspices of a powerful cabal of potters seeking double-digit growth. Although, discouraged, it survives to the modern day in some Greek restaurants where plates are smashed at the conclusion of the meal to boisterous accompanying music. This activity is limited to purpose-made plates; kitchen utensils are generally left unharmed. It would appear that the Anti-Pot made an elephantine error in targeting the cookware during times of hardship. Had he done his homework, the Bane of Pots would have discovered that crockery contributed to the downfall of Salvador Allende who was President of Chile from 1970-1973. Time Magazine reported^[4] at the time that:

Last week's demonstration, dubbed "the March of the Empty Pots," was organized by the opposition Christian Democrat and National parties to publicize Chile's food shortages and embarrass Allende on the eve of visiting Cuban Premier Fidel Castro's departure. More than 5,000 Chilean women, dressed in simple cotton prints, minis and sleek pantsuits, headed for downtown Santiago, snarling traffic and filling the spring evening air with the sounds of banging pans, patriotic songs and chants of "Chile, si! Cuba, no!"

The CIA is suspected to have been involved in organizing the march, although it is not entirely clear if this was the Central Intelligence Agency or the Culinary Institute of America. In any event, the critical success factor seems to have been banging on the pots, rather than smashing them. While this mode of action seems to suggest some manner of standing wave, further research is deemed necessary to arrive at a definitive conclusion.

In light of the proceedings, Kahuna and Professor Gordon convened an emergency meeting of the Board of Buffoons yesterday to review the Anti-Pot's activities. After speedy deliberation, the Board concluded that these are worthy of an entirely new classification of MH-complete (Mati Haraka) given their mammoth proportions.

On that note, we conclude this potshot and pledge to leave no potsherds unturned in our quest for pottery of the highest order.

^[1] “UNP Pina Valan Kadak Gena Eka Bindapi Gona Ekata Mata Hina,” Lanka Newspapers, April 2, 2008.
^[2] C Kuruppu, “Smashing Pots and Pans: CIA-Inspired,” Sri Lanka Watch.
^[3] deTraci Regula, “Having a Smashing Time in Greece,” About.com.
^[4] “Empty Pots and Yankee Plots,” Time Magazine, December 13, 1971.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 36

I will have you and your mobile sent back in time to just after A G Bell invented the telephone to have him beat you senseless with the instrument.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's new HTC Touch mobile phone.

Now's your chance to pee in it.

— Darth Teddy, advocating pollution on hearing of Kahuna cruising along the Nile.

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

On the jam-packed flight to New York as people shuffled past to the back, the lady behind me tells her neighbor, "It's like trying to get twenty clowns into a Volkswagen."

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of being made party to an involuntary circus.

We have just finished boarding and the aircraft doors are now closed. If your destination was not Atlanta, it is now.

— A flight attendant on Gordon's flight back from New York, sealing his fate.

By the same logic, I feel vindicated regarding naming your blimp Fat One.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting that the Pope's flight was designated Shepherd One.

Have they already identified you as a threat?

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna being provided an armed escort in Egypt.

Possibly; there's a clown with a semi-automatic weapon in front of me.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reporting of security measures en route to Abu Simbel.

I'm making the down-payment on his pyramid.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, learning that He was being sought by Gordon.

You don't appear impressed by these disclosures.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on receiving a lukewarm response to a routine status report from Egypt.

Unless you disclose that you have a belly dancer at your disposal, you would be right.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, setting minimum mandatory standards for reporting.

Have you disrobed it and had your way?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on learning of a belated appearance by the belly dancer.

Of course not; that would be your department. However, there wasn't much to disrobe.

— Kahuna, declining to encroach upon Darth Teddy's humping grounds whilst reporting that the minimum mandatory clothing requirement had been met, barely.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

Do you remember my Skype ID?

— Gordon to Kahuna, in the midst of yet another identity crisis.

Medical leave? Were you bitten by Darth Teddy?

— Kahuna, fearing the worst upon hearing of Fluke being indisposed.

Hogwash! It is merely a viral infection, nothing more; and you will do well to keep the Cuddly One out of this.

— Fluke, in his own defense.

A virus? What kind of self-respecting virus would wish to infect you? This won't look good on its resume you know.

— Kahuna, voicing concerns over Fluke's viral infection.

Cuddly One? Since when did you get upgraded to CO? You were the Allegedly Cuddly One last time I checked.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy's use of unapproved titles.

I've put in a good word for you with Osiris.

— Kahuna to Fluke, outlining a deadly agenda.

Why is your avatar in the shower?

— Kahuna, finding the Monster's avatar on Yahoo engaged in ablutions.

Do you always have your shower with a towel on?

— Kahuna to the Monster, questioning the need for a towel while the water was running.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

On account of being the largest clown present?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna wearing a Santa hat at a Christmas party.

Did you set fire to the Duck's office?

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting a fire in the offices of US Vice President Richard B 'Duck' Cheney.

The Duck was probably having a bonfire.

— Gordon to Kahuna, downplaying the incident as routine.

Ah yes, the CIA tapes; it all fits now.

— Kahuna to Gordon, attempting to implicate the Duck in sensitive tapes destroyed by the CIA.

Your obsession with pi is noted by Rachel Ray.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the failed Indiana Pi Bill which would have legislated the value of pi to 3.2.

I will thump you with a natural logarithm if you start to get approximate with me.

— Kahuna, taking exception with Gordon's cavalier, but highly rational attitude towards pi.

I wonder if whatever I fabricate is automatically backward integrated into history?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the existence of an Ebenezer Gordon in the 19^th century who also happened to be engaged in the photography trade.

So you finally admit to fabrication?

— Gordon, attempting at long last to bring Kahuna to book for falsifying the historical record.

Nonsense, you can see photographic evidence now.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's unsupervised activities across the continent.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Your considerable girth and personal gravitational field ought to be enough to sway any jury.

— Kahuna, on establishing Gordon's Santa Identity.

This would explain the reindeer picketing.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be outsourcing his Christmas deliveries.

Given its architectural skills, the edifice will collapse on its own accord.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing a structurally unsound view of an idiot architect.

I will shoot the inventors of these screwdrivers.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing grave annoyance with non-standard screw heads led by the quasi-bogus Tri-Wing design.

Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 8 - The Fowl and the Ruffled

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna was poking around in His vast archives when He came across a conversation that took place last year with Darth Teddy. Needless to say, this one ruffled more than a few feathers with some extremely fowl references:

Darth Teddy (DT): Are you fowling around?
Kahuna (K): There is no need to make birdbrained assumptions.
DT: Nonsense, you are clucking around.
K: You're being quite a cock about this X-(
DT: Well its better than being a bird on a wire.
K: I'll tar and feather you X-(
DT: That's a load of poppycock.
K: Bah, you were preening around like a peacock.
DT: Rubbish, you seem to be displaying your birdbrain.
K: You're getting quite batty X-(
DT: You sound like you are after a night with one Snuffleupagus X-(
K: Oh and this from the serial humper? X-(
DT: I will slay you like the road runner by Acme.
K: You will be too busy mounting to do anything else.
DT: Bah, quite a fowl statement.
K: Fowl, but true X-(
DT: This is all circumstantial.
K: I will decorate you with the Order of the Energizer Bunny with French Ticklers if you persist X-(
DT: I have already decorated said bunny.
K: Oh? Dare I ask what with?
DT: No, you may not.
K: I see you've made a big mess again X-(
DT: Eh? Where?
K: Where else X-(
DT: Bah, you have no proof.
K: Oh, I think fifty rubbers is more than enough proof.
DT: Bah, nonsense.
K: Where are the rubbers then? X-(
DT: I don't know what you are talking about.
K: Let me send you some more then.
DT: Gah, whatever are you talking about?
K: Just don't open any packages in public :-P
DT: Very well.

On that dodgy note, we conclude this post, which is incidentally piloting our new dialog format.

In related news, it is believed that the Allegedly Cuddly One is on the prowl once more, this time armed with a digital SLR in addition to his anaconda.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

NUGEGODA, Sri Lanka -- DT continues his new found hobby.

Come on Baby Light My Fire!!!

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- Teddy gets down to business after landing on home soil.

Depth of Field Rocks!!!

Depth of field (Copyright © 2008 Darth Teddy)

APSLEY LOCK, Hemel Hempstead - DT still playing with his new toy.

Lying in Wait

 

 

 
Lying in Wait (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- In news breaking from Kahuna's Lair this morning, it is learned that Kahuna's household feline Waffles had launched a surreptitious bid to hunt squirrels.

The would-be hunter was seen lurking on a wall-mounted feeding platform meant for squirrels and birds. However, even in stealth mode, maintaining a low radar profile among the bread and bananas appeared to be a most challenging exercise. The local contingent of squirrels skipped breakfast and Waffles was seen peeking over the wall at irregular intervals to survey the situation.

Kahuna arrived on the scene armed with His camera thereafter and disrupted further buffoonery. No squirrels were harmed during the proceedings, although they did have a late breakfast.

Captured on 24^th February 2008 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority. 

Need I Say More?

Absolut Joy (Copyright © 2008 Darth Teddy)

EVANS WHARF, Hemel Hempstead -- Made good use of my new 50mm lens. I am sure most of you would agree. 

Little Drops of Teddy

Little Drops of Teddy (Copyright © 2008 Darth Teddy)

EVANS WHARF LOO, Watford -- Little drops of Teddy taken using his new Canon Digital SLR 400D on aperture priority (f/3.5) and a resultant shutter speed of 1/200^th of a second.

Punxsutawney Phil Delivers on Agreement with Gordon

GOBBLER’S KNOB, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- Notable meteorological groundhog Punxsutawney Phil made good on his agreement with arch-climatologist Ebenezer Gordon yesterday and extended winter by another six weeks. Phil saw his shadow as he came out of his burrow and sealed the chilly fate of the planet.

Gordon is believed to have bribed Phil in early 2005 and entered into a five-year agreement to extend winter. Although, Phil delivered in both 2005 and 2006, Kahuna is suspected to have confounded plans in 2007 by concocting inclement weather conditions at the crucial moment.

Speaking to KNN, Kahuna said that Phil's latest action was "regrettable" and vowed to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative by any means necessary.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 7 - The Way of the Sheep

KINGTON, Herefordshire -- A few days ago, mysterious goings-on were reported from this quiet market town near the Welsh border. According to eyewitness accounts about a hundred sheep were seen forming an almost-perfect circle in a roadside field, causing great astonishment among the local populace.

While crop circles seem to be more commonplace, this would appear to be the first reported occurrence of a sheep circle. Very little is known about this bizarre phenomenon, leading Kahuna to suspect that dark powers were at play. This naturally led to a confrontation with Darth Teddy, who is coincidentally located a little over a hundred and thirty miles away in Watford.

Kahuna      : Did you have anything to do with this?
Darth Teddy : Er no, crop circles are Gordon's 
              department.
Kahuna      : That was my initial suspicion as well 
              but, the sheep led me in your 
              direction.
Darth Teddy : Er, I believe you are the one that is 
              dodgy with sheep, so I think this is 
              all your doing.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you are the one who mistook 
              one for a dog.
Darth Teddy : You are well known for getting sheep 
              in trouble.
Kahuna      : That sheep in question was not burying
              a bone.
Darth Teddy : In conclusion, I believe you are 
              responsible for leading these sheep 
              astray, or in a circle as the case may
              be.
Kahuna      : And you were attempting to accuse an 
              innocent sheep of falsifying the 
              fossil record.
Darth Teddy : Irrelevant; your sympathy towards said
              sheep prove further that you are 
              leading them astray.
Kahuna      : That's hogwash and you know it.  
              Bernisdale was just the beginning; I
              should have paid more attention to the
              signs.  You are clearly the Sheep
              Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : Ha! A weak attempt to hide from the
              truth.  Your attempts to lead sheep to
              the dark side are well known. This
              time the farmer's tractor just got
              there in time I believe.
Kahuna      : A likely story! Was the collie in on
              this as well?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, do you have control over
              them too?
Kahuna      : I had nothing to do with this X-(
              You're attempting to subvert this
              conversation to cover your tracks.
Darth Teddy : Denial, the first sign of a guilty
              conscience.
Kahuna      : No doubt you offered the collie a bone
              in exchange for its involvement.
Darth Teddy : Tut, tut, I believe the collie was put
              under a spell by you before all this.
Kahuna      : Spell? Are you accusing me of teaching
              it a foreign language?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, did you?
Kahuna      : Certainly not. It all fits into place
              now. You've been blackmailing collies
              to round up sheep in circles.
Darth Teddy : Anyway, enough of this sheep talk.
Kahuna      : You can't speak fluent sheep anyway
              X-(
Darth Teddy : And thus the final piece of the puzzle
              as to who manipulated the sheep.
Kahuna      : Indeed, the Dog Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : [SIGH] Make up your mind.
Kahuna      : You were attempting to mislead us all.
              Since you couldn't influence the
              sheep, you got to the collie X-(
Darth Teddy : Yeah, yeah; your details have been
              passed on to the FBI.

Readers familiar with the adventures of Kahuna and Darth Teddy will recall a previous altercation involving sheep in the cat-infested desolation of Bernisdale on the Isle of Skye. At the time, Kahuna—who speaks fluent sheep—sparked controversy when He attempted to communicate with the some of the incumbent creatures. Tensions were raised further with Darth Teddy claiming to see a sheep burying some manner of ossicular trophy. The matter has not been satisfactorily resolved to this day and continues to be a bone of contention.

The anaconda keeper's motive behind the sheep circle remains a mystery, but is suspected to be nefarious. Kahuna vowed to get to the bottom of the matter and indicated that He will interview the sheep involved during the next few days. It was not immediately clear if He would be yapping with the collie as well.

No sheep were harmed during this production, although the collie did give them the eye several times. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 17: The Wake of the Heavy

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Greetings good people of Earth and our esteemed alien readership! We're back with even more buffoonery after a short hiatus on account of the festive season. What better way to kick off a new year than with another edition of the redoubtable Kahuna-Gordon Messages?

Today we bring you a conversation between our two arch-clowns after Thanksgiving:

Kahuna : Have you gained mass during the 
         proceedings?
Gordon : Large quantities of turkey (Meleagris 
         gallopavo) have been consumed.
Kahuna : The wobble introduced into the Earth's 
         axial rotation over Atlanta led me to 
         suspect this.
Gordon : That might have been the Monster mucking 
         about near the Hoover Dam.
Kahuna : A likely story. I will resort to adding 
         the term "heavy" after your name in a 
         manner similar to the call signs of very
         large aircraft.
Gordon : I believe heavy refers to the level of 
         fuel on board.
Kahuna : Er no, it refers to the wake turbulence.  
         Heh heh :-P
Gordon : X-(
Kahuna : [ROTFL]
Gordon : It'll be "mayday, mayday" for you once I'm
         done with you X-(
Kahuna : Less chatter, Gordon 371 Heavy.
Gordon : Missile alert :-l
Kahuna : Indeed, you and gravity would be a deadly 
         combination X-(

Plans to declare Gordon a wake-vortex hazard and enforce minimum separation for trailing pedestrians is believed to be well underway. Kahuna is also reportedly eying both the Monster and Darth Teddy as similar hazards, given their expanding girths. The Monster was not available for comment. However, Darth Teddy quickly dismissed the allegations against his waistline contending that he was "petite." Kahuna scoffed at the Bear's petiteness, pointing out that Obelix had resorted to similar tactics in the well-known Adventures of Asterix.

In related news, certain budget airlines recently discovered that a fully-loaded Airbus A321 was indeed too heavy to manually push back from the gate when ground services were suspended due to non-payment of dues^[1]. While even clowns of average intelligence would certainly appreciate the folly in trying to thallu-start an Airbus using twelve able-bodied personnel instead of the more conventional practice of using a pushback tractor, room temperature IQs seem evident within the relevant decision-making bodies. Oh well, only in paradise.

On that note, we take your leave. Please note that no aircraft were manually pushed back during this production.

^[1] "Mihin Aircraft Gets Thallu Start." The Morning Leader. 2 January 2008.

Gordon to Outsource Santa; Reindeer Launch Industrial Action

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Professor Ebenezer Gordon, Chairman and Grand Poobah of Gordon Industries, Inc., today announced that he would be outsourcing this year's Christmas gift delivery operation to India. He cited the rising supply chain cost of his Santa Claus business, eroding margins and the deteriorating relations with his reindeer as reasons behind this unprecedented move.

Gordon indicated that this new arrangement would have a positive impact on his bottom line for 2007, while also maintaining his burgeoning waistline below forecast. However, he cautioned that the full impact of savings would only be realized in the coming fiscal year after the planned disposal of his North Pole complex. Market sentiment was mixed and the news was not warmly received by Gordon's reindeer who were seen picketing and calling for his immediate ouster.

Industry sources pointed out that Gordon was already embroiled in a bitter trade union dispute with his reindeer on the equitable distribution of milk and cookies. The situation has taken a turn for the worse with layoffs now expected thanks to the proposed business model. It is reliably learned that Gordon's new outsourcing partner would use a fleet of Bajaj three-wheeled vehicles for outbound logistics instead of the more traditional sleigh. This has proved to be a thorny issue during negotiations and a spokesdeer for the reindeer union said that talks had ended in a stalemate. He said that the union had expressed grave reservations regarding the environmental impact of Bajaj engines and called for an independent assessment by Nobel laureate Al Gore. The spokesdeer added that Gordon was vehemently opposed to this idea, allegedly fearing that Gore would reveal potentially inconvenient truths that might derail his dastardly plans.

When contacted by KNN, Kahuna said that Gordon was indeed moving forward given a conversation held shortly before:

Kahuna : You're up quite late. Are you doing a stock
         count of the toy inventory?
Gordon : Er no, I am backing up a database to be 
         sent to a clownette in Chennai.
Kahuna : The naughty and nice list for your 
         outsourced service provider no doubt X-(
Gordon : Bah X-(

He added that Gordon was counting on his controversial Global Cooling initiative to offset any impact on climate change.

In related news breaking from Connecticut, the Monster is expected to arrive in the tropics on the 25^th of December, fueling speculation that Gordon is handing over the reigns to his portly sibling. KNN has been unable to independently verify this claim with Gordon remaining tight-lipped about the matter.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, Darth Teddy is believed to be searching for his Santa hat for upcoming festivities. The anaconda keeper had not ruled out turning up in his birthday suit should the quest for headgear be thwarted.

And on that rather dodgy note, the Circus wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Red Banner

The Red Banner (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

ISTANBUL, Turkey -- The flag of Turkey, also known as the red banner or al sancak hoisted inside the Gate of Salutation leading to the second courtyard of the Topkapı Palace. The palace was the residence of the Ottoman Sultans from 1465 until 1853. It was made a museum in 1924.

Captured on 28^th October 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) on aperture priority (f/5.0) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/50^th of a second. 

The Moon Star

 
The Moon Star (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

ISTANBUL, Turkey -- The national flag and ensign of Turkey, hoisted vertically at the Hagia Sofia. The Al Yildiz, meaning moon star in Turkish, is based on the last flag adopted by the Ottoman Empire in 1844. It was standardized in 1936, about twelve years after the creation of the republic by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk.

Captured on 26^th October 2007 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/2.8) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/250^th of second. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 35

Gordon is grossly over-used.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, critiquing Gordon's substantial presence in UQ34.

Gah, I feel like Old MacDonald of farm fame: EIEIOO and a blank tile.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, expressing frustration at a highly bogus hand of tiles during an intercontinental game of Scrabble.

Now, when are you leaving your buffalo government and moving to Australia?

— Her Royal Highness, attempting to entice Kahuna to kangaroo politics.

I should take a large polar bear to swat the attendees of my next meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the rare use of an unarmed bear^[1].

Very soon she'll request business class.

— Kahuna, on learning that Gordon's offspring had turned up and requested laptop seating.

Of course this might be a new commode design; Richard Branson has those tilting trains: the Pendolinos; this could be the tilting bog.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on unexpectedly encountering pitch, roll and yaw at sea level while answering a call of nature.

Just in case, I have checked the airline off my preferred list.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on learning of Nepal Airlines sacrificing goats to fix a mechanical problem.

She now effectively executes a short message service and small object deliveries.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his offspring's new solution offerings.

Just wait till she implements MIME support.

— Kahuna, warning Gordon of the things to come.

Perhaps someone should release a rottweiler in parliament.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing to deal with the root cause of the domestic dog tax.

Yes, intelligence reported that you lunched at Ahmedinejad's.

— Kahuna, on Gordon lunching at an Iranian restaurant.

Oh you noticed by the phallic style?

— Kahuna, on Gordon's prompt identification of Timmy the Ambidextrous in a photograph.

Did you talk to the other Kahuna? The real one?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, blatantly disregarding the One Kahuna Policy.

You might as well look for a private waterfall at those prices.

— Gordon, commenting on the high cost of Kahuna's bathroom renovation.

Have you finished paying for your dentist's new yacht yet?

— Kahuna, querying the state of Gordon's nautical endodontics.

Er no, we decided not to fund his yacht.

— Gordon to Kahuna, disclosing plans to bail on his dentist.

Try not to hump in the produce aisle.

— Kahuna, learning of a grocery shopping spree by Darth Teddy.

What else is the produce aisle for?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, offering a dubious interpretation grocery shopping.

I'm sure Darth Teddy will teach you all the naughty stuff.

— Kahuna, expressing confidence to Fluke about being appropriately indoctrinated by Darth Teddy.

You've been pointing the camera in the same direction as your anaconda.

— Kahuna, taking Darth Teddy to task for upskirt photographs during the Notting Hill Carnival.

This is a direct violation of our non-proliferation treaty.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for unilaterally raising his speaker count to 65.

Well I need speakers: Placido Domingo et al., don't do house calls.

— Gordon, justifying his high speaker count to Kahuna.

You mean they are showing football?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna on being told that in-flight entertainment on the Pope's new airline would be religious in nature.

I can't quite picture The Vatican Cardinals, no.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, downplaying the possibility of Benedict XVI mooting a soccer team.

It looks like you're quite capable of doing yourself a serious injury without my help.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy's latest run-in with a cricket ball.

Indeed, it shows that I have a cute butt, that I have conquered most of Europe and that you have a squirrel fetish.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, arriving at a highly unorthodox conclusion from the daily strip of Jef Mallet's Frazz that ran on August 25^th 2007^[1].

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's activities across the continent.

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

I couldn't bug you the last two days and am just making my presence felt.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, catching up for lost time.

Your demise by means of a pitchfork-wielding mob of dissatisfied guests is long overdue.

— Kahuna, announcing displeasure at the continued presence of the Baroness.

That idiot has never photographed a human in its life.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on the Ex-Dictator.

This could spell doom for Durex.

— Kahuna, voicing concern that Darth Teddy would be in hibernation.

Ah, the board of directors of Durex will sigh with relief.

— Kahuna, on receiving new information that Darth Teddy would merely be taking a nap.

I can just picture Al Pacino starring in the story of your life: The Scent of a Bottle.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy hovering around thirteen crates of JD sent to Bartus Maximus.

^[1] Kahuna's unusual interpretation of the second amendment has been extensively documented.

^[2] This strip, which sadly is no longer available online, depicts a conversation between a kid at Bryson Elementary and Frazz. The kid says, "People love squirrels. People don't like rats. Never dismiss the public relations value of a cute backside." Frazz responds with, "I won't be commenting, please," and the kid adds, "That, and not wiping out the bulk of Europe with the plague."

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 16: On Shaky Ground

ATLANTA, Georgia -- Arch-technologist Professor Gordon found himself all shaken up a few months ago thanks to the seismic research conducted by his daughter.

Regular readers will recall previous research established conclusively that hard disk drives do not operate when immersed in orange juice. Attempts to discover the speed of light in a greased optical medium were only narrowly averted. Given this context, we now disclose the buffoonery that took place during a conversation with Kahuna:

Gordon : My daughter has taken refuge under the
         table.
Kahuna : What on earth is she doing under the table?
Gordon : I have no idea.
Kahuna : I suggest you brace yourself for local 
         tectonic activity.
Gordon : Now what?
Kahuna : She might yank a strategic cable or 
         otherwise muck things up.
Gordon : @##%@#$%@#%@#$@#$@#$@ Gaaaaaaaah just as
         you provided that warning, she switched 
         on the massage function on the chair 
         causing great alarm.
Kahuna : [ROTFL] [GUFFAW]
Gordon : [FUME] You're causing remote alarms 
         BTBOTP.

While Gordon's own experiments with such things as pyrotechnics began at an early age, he appears to be in great danger of being outdone by his offspring. Who know what she might do next? Heh heh. On that disturbing note, we sign off for today.

Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara

Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2007)

DAMBULLA, Sri Lanka -- Sepia photographs from the historic Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara, originally constructed during the reign of King Vattagamini Abhaya (Valagamba) during the first century BC and embellished over the millennia.

Captured on 20^th July 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II). The photograph of the reclining Buddha was taken at ISO 400 on shutter priority (1/15^th of a second) and a resulting aperture of f/1.8. 

Melancholy

Melancholy (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

DAMBULLA, Sri Lanka -- A Toque Macaque (Macaca sinica) also known as a Temple Monkey, stares sadly at Kahuna along the rear steps leading to the Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara.

Captured on 20^th July 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/2.0) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/100^th of a second.

The Way of the Buffalo

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- The award of the 2007 Nobel Prize in Physics to Albert Fert and Peter Grünberg for their independent discoveries of the quantum mechanical effect of giant magnetoresistance is indeed most appropriate. There is no question that IBM's subsequent invention of the giant magnetoresistive head and resulting miniaturization of hard disk drives led to the boom in high-capacity consumer electronic devices including the ubiquitous iPod.

It also offers much needed hope that some day, the quantum electodynamic principle of giant cabinetics would be likewise recognized with an appropriate award, preferably decorated with cacti and presented rectally.

In this continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy, we examine the science (yes, there appears to be a method to the madness) behind the construction of a cabinet. The mammoth proportions of the national cabinet have of course been well documented previously, along with more transparent alternatives. The Monster's First Law has also established that the Temple of the Monkey consists of monks and monkeys. A giant cabinet G, can be expressed mathematically as G = S ∪ X, where:

M is the set of incumbents of the Temple;

B is the Bovino number: i.e., the quantum of buffaloes (Bubalus bubalis spp.) needed to generate sufficient methane in 24 hours to cause the inner sanctum of the Temple to ignite with a customary pop upon application of a lit taper. Empirical evidence has established that B ≈ 50 when |M| → 225;

S is a proper subset of M, such that |S| ≥ B;

X is the executive set such that |X| = 1 by definition.

By convention, a giant cabinet consists of the crème de la crème (i.e., the scum) of the Temple, properly termed buffaloes. While monkeys exhibit fermion behavior, buffaloes are bosons and obey Bose-Einstein statistics. Consequently, members of a herd tend to occupy the same quantum state (usually a mud hole) to chew the cud while surrounded by a swarm of flies. Any productivity is purely accidental.

A giant cabinet likewise occupies a single quantum state and hogs all available resources to keep productivity in check. An attendant swarm of deputy monkeys and non-cabinet monkeys provide ancillary services. In the process, greenhouse gases are generated to melt the polar ice and form more mud holes. Thus is secured the survival of the species. Some experts believe that given sufficient time, the bogosity of a single giant cabinet could usher in a new Dark Age, if not an industrial fertilizer plant.

However, another school of thought believes that a giant cabinet is a special type of non-rotating black hole, with attraction so powerful that not even money can escape. The controversial Black Hole Theory of Governance suggests that buffaloes chewing cud in a circle would create a singularity that causes valuables to gravitate towards it to be siphoned off into numbered bank accounts. While there seems to be some evidence of missing funds, experimental evidence of an actual buffalo singularity remains as elusive as the Higgs boson.

Critics of the theory have also pointed out that the Schwarzchild radius of such an object would be improbably large. However, these concerns have done little to prevent the proponents of the theory from hazarding that the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy is actually caused by the Galactic Senate trying to order lunch.

And so the debate rages on; however, one thing remains certain: there is absolutely no shortage of buffaloes. Interested readers will find more buffoonery in our previous stories about parliarmentary bogocracy.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 34

I think Cleopatra was the best.

— Gordon to Kahuna, having sampled forbidden fruit in the absence of Caesar.

Your darthworthiness has been questioned.

— Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy's credentials after leaking sensitive information about goings-on in Brighton to Fluke.

Bah, the look on your face as you held the rubbers in one hand and the vibrator in the other, like some multi-armed deity, in front of your roommates, is way off the scale.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, disclosing sordid snippets from the Brighton Files.

How many pics of the pussy did you take?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, making highly inappropriate references to members of the genus Panthera.

It was a male leopard; it had the balls to prove it.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, setting the record straight.

Please send more dodgy pictures.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking more incriminating evidence of senior management frolicking in the Yala.

How do you people come up with this buffoonery?

— Fluke to Darth Teddy, seeking to understand the nature of the Farce.

We're clowns.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, explaining the nature of the Farce for the benefit of Fluke.

Perhaps I will poke him; it is a great honor to be poked by Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to prod Fluke on Facebook.

Who the fuck is Fluke?

— Gordon, in his debut performance of Living Next Door to Fluke.

Would you like to have your posterior pummeled?

— Kahuna, inviting Darth Teddy to a game of Scrabble.

You've indicated that we've lived together.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Baroness's dubious disclosures on Facebook.

Yep, let's create a scandal.

— The Baroness, refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.

Does the Baron know about this illicit relationship we've had?

— Kahuna to the Baroness, seeking safe conducts.

I will have you idiots sealed if you don't watch it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure at the respective seals of Kahuna and Darth Teddy.

My brother-in-law just threw an imaginary hippo at me.

— The Baroness, announcing the discovery of the Hippopotamus notional spp.

Certain individuals who shall remain nameless purchased five pairs of shoes by Imelda Marcos.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, describing a harrowing escape from the Takashimaya with Huggles, duly confounded by Her Royal Highness.

Will you be lobbying for a ban on underwear?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy's stand on the semper ubi sub ubi policy.

I will be confiscating them.

— Darth Teddy, revealing plans for his summer collection.

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

I agree wholeheartedly; let us begin by ceremonially throwing a sheep at his offending posterior.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, agreeing to a rearguard action on Gordon for failure to join Facebook.

I forgot to lock the croc before heading out.

— Gordon to Kahuna, pleading mea culpa to an alligator being found in the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta.

You're attempting to deploy a navy of lake monsters to terrorize the public.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of submarine warfare.

I'll have you whacked with a truckload of kimbula banis^[1] if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to silence Kahuna by means of amphibious baguettes.

Your personal bogosity must have caused an ass-to-cloud discharge.

— Kahuna, speculating that a backfired lightning strike may have led to the untimely demise of Gordon's broadband router.

At this rate, I'll need galvanic isolation.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation at frequent brownouts courtesy of the Ceylon 'Electricity' Board.

I can put you in a Faraday cage if you like.

— Gordon, proposing an extreme solution to isolate Kahuna.

Convert all the exit signs to simplified Chinese and they will die within the building.

— Kahuna to Gordon, offering a viable double-byte solution to clueless management.

Send them to me for Architecture 101; I will confiscate their laptops and give them paper and pencil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical laptopectomy on pointy-haired types.

We might have a few fatalities on the first day due to blood loss from improper use of a pencil, not to mention paper cuts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, setting expectations for Architecture 101.

At the next meeting use a samurai sword as a pointing device.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a cutting-edge solution to clueless management.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

^[1] For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, kimbula means crocodile and a kimbula banis is an elongated, crocodile-shaped bun coated with sugar.

Cherry Bowl Drive-In

Saw her at the Texaco just the other day.
Even more beautiful, her hair had touch of grey.
We both stood and stared at each other, couldn't say a word.
Then I said, "God, it's good to see you."
And she said, "Well, have you heard...

"They're tearin' down the Cherry Bowl Drive-In tomorrow
Where I first kissed you and you ran my fingers through your hair.
She's goin' the way all things must go someday
but, I will still remember you there.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
I will still remember you there."

Then I said, "Little Melissa, she's lookin' more and more like you.
Saw her down on Maple Street, she's even got your same smile, too.
And my Jake Jr. says,'Daddy, somebody I'm gonna marry that girl.'
Isn't that just perfect? Such a crazy world.

"So they're tearin' down the Cherry Bowl Drive-In tomorrow?
Where I first kissed you and you ran my fingers through your hair.
She's goin' the way all things must go someday
But, I will still remember you there.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
I will still remember you there.

"Hey, can you get away tomorrow?
If you can't I understand.
It's just that when the big screen falls,
I'd like to be holdin' your hand,
holdin' your hand

"when they're tearin' down the Cherry Bowl Drive-In tomorrow,
where I first kissed you and you ran my fingers through your hair.
She's goin' the way all things must go someday
but, I will still remember you there.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
I will still remember us there."

— Joshua Kadison, Vanishing America (EMI, 2001). Copyright © 2001 Joshuasongs (BMI), Seymour Glass Songs (BMI).

Another great song from Joshua Kadison. The MP3 version can be downloaded from his website.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 6 - The War of the Cheeses

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A few weeks ago, Kahuna's cheese-loving senior canine instigated a skirmish with Darth Teddy. If you thought dairy products were safe, think again:

Kahuna      : Gah! The resident cheesehound has
              detected cheese in my scone and
              demanded its share.
Darth Teddy : You have a rat at home?
Kahuna      : Er no, this is a dog.
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : It has a cheesetooth.
Darth Teddy : I see. Is this similar to a
              sabretooth?
Kahuna      : Yes, but with more affinity towards
              cultured dairy products.
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : You sound cheesed off.
Darth Teddy : There is no reason to go goat about
              it.
Kahuna      : Now you're yakking.
Darth Teddy : You have no idea of the words you
              udder.
Kahuna      : As if ewe do X-(
Darth Teddy : I will launch you towards the Milky
              Way if you don't watch it.
Kahuna      : May Gouda help you when I'm through
              with you X-(
Darth Teddy : You will have trouble reaching me
              after I dispatch you to check if the
              moon is made out of Blue.
Kahuna      : Your Waterloo is long overdue if you
              ask me.
Darth Teddy : You will find your Testouri in a twist
              if you are not careful.
Kahuna      : I knew this was a Trappe X-(
Darth Teddy : Little do you know that this is only
              the beginning of the Saga.
Kahuna      : You will come to a sorry end on the
              Isle of Mull if you persist in this
              lunacy X-(
Darth Teddy : Don't make me feed you to the lions by
              Samso.
Kahuna      : I'm going to kick your Butte all the
              way to Tibet x-(
Darth Teddy : Not if I set my killer Picok on you
              first X-(
Kahuna      : My Tronchon will make short work of
              your Picok X-(
Darth Teddy : That will be no mean Feta, I can
              guarantee you of that.
Kahuna      : I promise you that you'll end up
              Pourly.
Darth Teddy : I Spitse in your face. Phtooey!
Kahuna      : Munster! X-(
Darth Teddy : Ha! You will keep saying that when I
              set Gorgonzola on you.
Kahuna      : My Longhorn will settle Gorgonzola's
              hash X-(
Darth Teddy : Your Longhorn will end up in Limburger
              shortly.
Kahuna      : This is a load of Buffalo if you ask
              me X-(
Darth Teddy : You watch you Tongue X-(
Kahuna      : BRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :-p
Darth Teddy : I will now depart.
Kahuna      : Are you conceding? :-P
Darth Teddy : Er no, no.  I am going Panela.
              Good bye.
Kahuna      : Bye bye.

Much cheese was consumed during this production.