KOTMALE, Sri Lanka -- "Kahuna" was sighted in the Kotmale area - reknown for its' high concentration of cows. The purpose of his visit was not announced however there is speculation that it is to validate the empirical evidence suggesting that bestiality is not consensual, by means of experiments on cows.
"Kahuna" was reportedly seen in a black and white suit sporting a tinkerbell and mooing seductively in the presence of cattle. The cattle were reportedly not responding to his amorous advances and he then tried his luck with the few horses in the area.
The Dutch Ambassador who was passing by the Kotmale area at that very moment, witnessed this gruesome spectacle and moved promptly to have this kind of disgraceful activity banned in his country through the Agriculture Ministry. A motion has already been moved in parliament. Click for Details...
Friday, April 30, 2004
KAHUNA'S RETREAT, Tahiti -- Yes, according to empirical evidence, bestiality is not consensual. In fact, the sheep were seen chasing Vandoofus all over the field and a Wide Area Border Collie had to be brought in to restore order. Justice Scalia can rest assured that Vandoofus did not consent. Now that we've got to the bottom of this sordid matter, we hope it can be laid to rest.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
To add to the Scalia's story, it was reported by a newspaper, which shall remain anonymous, that Scalia has apparently expressed fear that by legalizing gay sex just because it is a consensual act between two adults, it will invariably follow with demands to legalize bestiality. I would like to point out, and Kahuna will confirm this, that bestiality is never consensual.
I felt like blogging to offset Kahuna’s dominance in the circus which has resulted in making the blog outright boring. Except for a few accounts of identity theft and story about how Kahuna survived an assassination attempt, the circus is full of useless and utterly uneventful writings with no real literary value. The reason very well may be that it’s main contributor is Kahuna the who think he is a supreme commander from Galactica Di-Area. Fortunately I am back from my sabbatical to contribute a few words to the otherwise pathetic blog. Now that I have said the forewords, I have nothing to follow up with. Such is the nature of my writing. A spectacular buildup and a totally sudden and unexpected end. So I hope this will keep the fellow bloggers and readers entertained until I blog again. Peace.
Monday, April 26, 2004
THE SUPREME COURT, Washington DC -- The Supreme Court today announced that Associate Justice Antonin Scalia will be embarking on a duck hunting expedition with Kahuna in the near future. This new development is despite public disapproval of Scalia's conduct with regard to a previous duck hunting trip with US Vice President Dick Cheney pending the lawsuit filed by the Sierra Club regarding his energy task force. Scalia's conduct has once again raised eyebrows in judicial circles. Justice Scalia forbade the recording of his comments on this latest development citing his first amendment right not to speak on radio or television when he chose not to.
LANCASTER COUNTY, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- The Amish people deplore the unprovoked denunciation of their lifestyle by the False Prophet of the Bogusan Empire. Drawing conclusions of affinity from potatoes is completely innapropriate and the Amish people will obstruct the premises of the Bogusan empire using horse-drawn carriages to protest this outrage.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
BOISE, Idaho -- In late breaking news, the Idaho Potato Commission revealed it had signed a multi-million dollar deal with Kahuna for export of Idaho potatoes. The exact nature of the arrangement was not specified. However, industry insiders speculated that Kahuna may be researching some form of potato-based weapon to compliment the Cheese of Mass Destruction announced in August last year. Critics maintained it was more likely that Kahuna was planning a potato and cheese food festival. Kahuna was not available for comment.
Friday, April 23, 2004
TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- It has come to the attention of Kahuna that an aging False Prophet of considerable girth has enthroned himself as the "Real Kahuna" within the utter depths of the Bogusan Empire. Kahuna notes that He and He alone holds the primary key "Kahuna" and any attempts to subvert this state of affairs is constrained by His Holy First Normal Form. The obvious key collision has led to the False Prophet prefixing a "Real" to his primary key in a singularly inept attempt to add a row to sys.dba_users. Sources indicated that the False Prophet has already been indicted for dress code and weight violations by the Subhuman Resources division of the Bogusan Empire. A spokesmonkey for the Empire added that charges relating to suspicious goings on in parked motor vehicles have, however, not been substantiated at this time.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Certain bacterial elements at the Bogusan Empire who have been caught with their pants down by the security audit carried out by Kahuna have engaged in a smear campaign to discredit Him. The recent alliance between Kahuna and Google Inc., have further ruffled the unholy feathers leading to the publication of slander, which is libellous and actionable. Forgetting of passwords by the afore-mentioned elements has been logged as a further security violation. The wrath of Kahuna will be subtle, but malicious. Heh heh heh...
CHANGI AIRPORT, Singapore -- News just breaking in is revealing the true story of the flight-related buffoonery that was reported on this blog last week. It appears that the self appointed Kahuna had attempted to board the flight in the pretext that Kahuna does not require a ticket to fly.
Staff of SriLankan had informed "Kahuna" that he could not drive, let alone fly and offered him space in the luggage hold. "Kahuna" had protested loudly and created quite a ruckus at the airport. In an effort to minimize damage to it's reputation, SriLankan had then offered "Kahuna" a seat on the condition that Bogolever would fork the required quantum of LKR on return.
Not resting at that, "Kahuna" had attempted to demonstrate his Kahuna-status by occupying the seat of another passenger. He was promptly removed in drag-by-ear mode to his allocated seat and advised to behave himself.
The Inquiry at Bogolever into the incident has just commenced.
Staff of SriLankan had informed "Kahuna" that he could not drive, let alone fly and offered him space in the luggage hold. "Kahuna" had protested loudly and created quite a ruckus at the airport. In an effort to minimize damage to it's reputation, SriLankan had then offered "Kahuna" a seat on the condition that Bogolever would fork the required quantum of LKR on return.
Not resting at that, "Kahuna" had attempted to demonstrate his Kahuna-status by occupying the seat of another passenger. He was promptly removed in drag-by-ear mode to his allocated seat and advised to behave himself.
The Inquiry at Bogolever into the incident has just commenced.
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Google Inc., owners of Blogger.com have provided Kahuna with a 1 GB (yep, that's GIGA byte) email account in recognition of Him being a blogger of repute. Accessing the trash folder results in a "No conversations in the trash. Who needs to delete when you have 1000 MB of storage?!" message. BUWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! May the mail quota be with you!
Monday, April 19, 2004
MEGABRANTIS, Brantis-Vogan Cluster -- Kahuna visited the Bogusan Empire today and demonstrated the Kahuna Nature by opening the secure portals of the Empire using an open(sesame) function call. This demonstration has caused chaos in the Empire and spokesmonkeys report portals being retrofitted to keep Kahuna out. Next time, Kahuna will demonstrate the Holy teleport() function call.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Sunday, April 11, 2004
THE PAN PACIFIC, Republic of Singapore -- The day began in a bogus fashion with an uncooperative motor vehicle. At 4 am, it was discovered that the lead-acid accumulator of the vehicle in question had collapsed into a flat quantum state in accordance with Schrödinger’s theory (i.e., it was not known to be flat until the ignition key was rotated clockwise along the z-axis to the start position).
The resultant state of affairs necessitated commandeering of a backup motor vehicle to enable a bit-block transfer to the airport. Upon subsequently reaching the airport—named for the Scourges of the Nation—and standing in line at the check-in counters of Srilankan Scarelines, the clownette in session informed Kahuna that the flight was full. It appeared that a confirmed ticket was not necessarily sufficient to travel on Srilankan Scarelines. Kahuna was then asked if it was important for Him to reach the Orient on-time. Kahuna replied with, "No, why don't I twiddle the Holy Thumbs in your august airport instead?" or words to that effect. However, Kahuna was not alone in being so excluded from the aircraft—a family of four was in a similar boat. The head of said family confided to Kahuna that it was being yelled at, in view the prevailing bogosity. Kahuna made appropriate sympathetic noises out of earshot of the afore-mentioned family members.
After delaying Kahuna for half an hour, the clownette in session miraculously located free space within the aircraft—no doubt, some form of defragmentation or compression algorithm was invoked. Kahuna then checked-in and after dealing with security types who wished to examine the contents of His Pockets, boarding took place. Upon boarding, Kahuna found to His annoyance that the allotted seat 17H was already occupied by a female type. Assuming that females were incapable of differentiating between 17H and 18H (which turns out to be 1H), Kahuna occupied seat 18H. A short while later, an elderly clown, who had apparently absconded to the gent’s, turned up and queried what Kahuna was doing in its seat. This led to arbitration by a flight attendant and it transpired that the female mentioned previously was also unable to differentiate between 17H and 11D. To simplify this equation, Kahuna agreed to move to 11D, leaving the bogus female to her faulty algebra, geometry and possibly even topology.
After a fifteen minute delay, when the aircraft was taxiing, a clown of the Faith was heard praying loudly in the back of the cabin. AHA() function calls were issued to the great annoyance of Kahuna and the rest of the passengers. After an uneventful cruise climb, the Buffoon Purser came on-air to make an announcement: "There appears to be a malfunction in the in-flight... entertainment system." This was just as well: Kahuna discovered that the wired remote control device of seat 11D was missing anyway, having been ripped out of its recess. Thus began a three hour, fifteen minute flight of utter boredom to Kuala Lumpur. En route, a fascinating species of meal was served. Kahuna opted for the scrambled eggs and baked beans to avoid any possibility of bandakka manifesting themselves. It came to light that the eggs were not merely scrambled, but essentially Vulcanized into an amorphous mass with great potential of replacing asphalt. Pieces of tasteless fruit, along with strategically disguised pineapple were also among those present.
On finally landing in Singapore, a clown activated its mobile phone in violation of FAA regulations while the aircraft was taxiing to the gate. Said phone received multiple short messages and then began ringing with a most obnoxious tone. The clown then began a loud conversation in the native tongue; while the passenger next to Kahuna gave it looks capable of vaporizing an elephant at thirty paces. On that bogus note ended the first day of Kahuna’s visitation to the Orient. May the Farce be with us.
The resultant state of affairs necessitated commandeering of a backup motor vehicle to enable a bit-block transfer to the airport. Upon subsequently reaching the airport—named for the Scourges of the Nation—and standing in line at the check-in counters of Srilankan Scarelines, the clownette in session informed Kahuna that the flight was full. It appeared that a confirmed ticket was not necessarily sufficient to travel on Srilankan Scarelines. Kahuna was then asked if it was important for Him to reach the Orient on-time. Kahuna replied with, "No, why don't I twiddle the Holy Thumbs in your august airport instead?" or words to that effect. However, Kahuna was not alone in being so excluded from the aircraft—a family of four was in a similar boat. The head of said family confided to Kahuna that it was being yelled at, in view the prevailing bogosity. Kahuna made appropriate sympathetic noises out of earshot of the afore-mentioned family members.
After delaying Kahuna for half an hour, the clownette in session miraculously located free space within the aircraft—no doubt, some form of defragmentation or compression algorithm was invoked. Kahuna then checked-in and after dealing with security types who wished to examine the contents of His Pockets, boarding took place. Upon boarding, Kahuna found to His annoyance that the allotted seat 17H was already occupied by a female type. Assuming that females were incapable of differentiating between 17H and 18H (which turns out to be 1H), Kahuna occupied seat 18H. A short while later, an elderly clown, who had apparently absconded to the gent’s, turned up and queried what Kahuna was doing in its seat. This led to arbitration by a flight attendant and it transpired that the female mentioned previously was also unable to differentiate between 17H and 11D. To simplify this equation, Kahuna agreed to move to 11D, leaving the bogus female to her faulty algebra, geometry and possibly even topology.
After a fifteen minute delay, when the aircraft was taxiing, a clown of the Faith was heard praying loudly in the back of the cabin. AHA() function calls were issued to the great annoyance of Kahuna and the rest of the passengers. After an uneventful cruise climb, the Buffoon Purser came on-air to make an announcement: "There appears to be a malfunction in the in-flight... entertainment system." This was just as well: Kahuna discovered that the wired remote control device of seat 11D was missing anyway, having been ripped out of its recess. Thus began a three hour, fifteen minute flight of utter boredom to Kuala Lumpur. En route, a fascinating species of meal was served. Kahuna opted for the scrambled eggs and baked beans to avoid any possibility of bandakka manifesting themselves. It came to light that the eggs were not merely scrambled, but essentially Vulcanized into an amorphous mass with great potential of replacing asphalt. Pieces of tasteless fruit, along with strategically disguised pineapple were also among those present.
On finally landing in Singapore, a clown activated its mobile phone in violation of FAA regulations while the aircraft was taxiing to the gate. Said phone received multiple short messages and then began ringing with a most obnoxious tone. The clown then began a loud conversation in the native tongue; while the passenger next to Kahuna gave it looks capable of vaporizing an elephant at thirty paces. On that bogus note ended the first day of Kahuna’s visitation to the Orient. May the Farce be with us.
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- The press release by MORP is utter drivel. Kahuna is making a full recovery thanks to advances in antibiotics. This entire episode appears to be the handiwork of a coalition between MORP and the Bacteria Congress. The masterminds behind foul deed will be brought before the firing squad/broad-spectrum antibiotics shortly.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
The big question is who is trying to poison Kahuna? He does have many enemies. But he is not a serious enough threat for any party to take any action. Being a feeble and ‘small’ entity, Kahuna is unlikely to be a victim of a complex assassination attempt carried out for strategic reasons. Even if there were an assassination attempt it would be unlikely that food poisoning that caused Kahuna to be critically ill with diarrhea, would be an appropriate choice of means to accomplish the objective. I would think a simple rubber band and pellet would have knocked him out for good. Instead, the food poison only caused Kahuna to spend long periods of time in the bathroom and prevented being his usual unproductive self.
There are several possibilities. Investigations have revealed a revolutionary right-wing movement called the MORP who have been fighting to resist the invasion of Connecticut by Kahuna’s allies. But the MORP who recently ‘shock and awed’ most of the Kingdoms east of the east coast of US is probably not interested in what they deem as a trivial threat to their sovereignty. Another possibility is Kahuna is simply the subject of a biological weapons test. Several nations are suspected to have experimented with weapon that can cause severe diarrhea. It is possible that Kahuna may have been a random victim of such an experiment. Another convincing theory that has surfaced is that the attempt to poison Kahuna may have been carried out by his own allies for amusement (which obviously seem to be lacking as proved by this blog) The most likely reason however, the attempt was simply to eliminate Kahuna to improve the average intelligence of the collective alliance.
There are several possibilities. Investigations have revealed a revolutionary right-wing movement called the MORP who have been fighting to resist the invasion of Connecticut by Kahuna’s allies. But the MORP who recently ‘shock and awed’ most of the Kingdoms east of the east coast of US is probably not interested in what they deem as a trivial threat to their sovereignty. Another possibility is Kahuna is simply the subject of a biological weapons test. Several nations are suspected to have experimented with weapon that can cause severe diarrhea. It is possible that Kahuna may have been a random victim of such an experiment. Another convincing theory that has surfaced is that the attempt to poison Kahuna may have been carried out by his own allies for amusement (which obviously seem to be lacking as proved by this blog) The most likely reason however, the attempt was simply to eliminate Kahuna to improve the average intelligence of the collective alliance.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- The following decree has been issued by the Powers that Be lead by Kahuna after an Extraordinary General Meeting of the Board of the Universe, last night:
WHEREAS, there has been unilateral agreement on the Monster's First Law declaring the Parliament of Sri Lanka to be a Temple;
AND WHEREAS, the Smithsonian Institution has observed and recorded the behavior and politics of the Temple Monkey of Sri Lanka (Macaca sinica) for a period in excess of thirty years;
AND WHEREAS, such behavior and politics have been replicated with authenticity in the Parliament of Sri Lanka;
IT IS HEREBY RESOLVED that the Parliament of Sri Lanka shall henceforth be known as the Temple of the Monkey with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto with a member of the Holy Orangutan (Pongo pygmaeus) species being designated High Priest and Chief Incumbent with the right to Speak and Preach on behalf of said Temple;
IT IS FURTHER RESOLVED that the Peanut (Arachis hypogaea) shall be the Official Currency and Legal Tender of said Temple with One Hundred and Ninety Peanuts being the equivalent of One Sri Lanka Rupee.
So ordered and adjourned, sine die.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- There are those among us who would walk into a herd of elephants and attempt to communicate using the Boston Philharmonic as an interpreter.
Kahuna: gah
Kahuna: trumpet()
Monster: gah!
Monster: clarinet()
Monster: :-p
Kahuna: I meant the sound made by elephants X-(+ ur turning the proceedings into an orchestra
Monster: :-)) :-pCOLOMBO, Bogocratic Socialist Republic??? of Sri Lanka -- Foundations of Sri Lankan politics.
Axiom #1: Parliament => Temple.
Proof: Excerpt from a recent CNN.com news article, "... the all-Buddhist monks party has won 11 seats, making them one of the largest parties in parliament."
Concluding, the rest of the inhabitants are 'Monk'eys.
Monday, April 05, 2004
UNITED PLANETS FEDERATION, Earth -- Compiler theory in a nutshell à la Star Trek.
Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
Spock: Affirmative.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
SAN FRANCISCO, California Republic -- Historical research has revealed that the Congress of the United States sits in contravention of the following edict released in January 1860:
WHEREAS, a body of men calling themselves the National Congress are now in session in Washington City, in violation of our Imperial edict of the 12th of October last, declaring the said Congress abolished;It seems comrade Norton had the right idea on how to go about these things.
WHEREAS, it is necessary for the repose of our Empire that the said decree should be strictly complied with;
NOW, THEREFORE, we do hereby Order and Direct Major-General Scott, the Command-in-Chief of our Armies, immediately upon receipt of this, our Decree, to proceed with a suitable force and clear the Halls of Congress.
- Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico
Sunday, April 04, 2004
SACRAMENTO, California Republic -- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) today demanded that the Bogotic North Pole be moved from his capital Sacramento to Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte (SJ-K), Sri Lanka (ICBM Locator: Latitude = 6.903N, Longitude = 79.908E, Elevation = 35 m). Sacramento was declared Bogotic North after the 2003 recall circus in which Schwarzenegger was brought to power. Tallahassee, Florida previously held the dubious honor after the hanging chad fiasco of 2000, engineered by then Secretary of State, Katherine Harris (R). The Bogotic North Pole should not be confused with the Magnetic North Pole and the Geographic North Pole (also known as True North).
Schwarzenegger said he would be issuing a show cause notice to SJ-K as to why it should not be declared Bogotic North in light of recent electoral buffoonery of pachydermal proportions. Schwarzenegger alleged that this latest debacle was of far greater magnitude than both Florida and California combined. He further alleged that the Parliament of Sri Lanka, situated in SJ-K was located in a specially-designed containment pond to dampen the critical mass of bogosity generated during its sessions. This evidence in itself, he stated would be sufficient to justify his case. The Parliament of Sri Lanka was in a hung state and not available for comment.
Schwarzenegger's move was widely received by the scientific community, who believed it was about time the bogosity of SJ-K was internationally recognized. Experts, meanwhile, confirmed that the late visionary architect Geoffrey Bawa knew what he was doing when he decided to place parliament in the middle of a lake. It was the general opinion that more parliaments should be surrounded by water with the option of Complete Submersion on Demand (CSoD). Lawmakers are, however, expected to protest this latest opinion as environmentally unsound practice. Analysts dismissed these concerns saying the methane emissions from most parliaments are a greater threat, considering the contribution to global warming.
Schwarzenegger said he would be issuing a show cause notice to SJ-K as to why it should not be declared Bogotic North in light of recent electoral buffoonery of pachydermal proportions. Schwarzenegger alleged that this latest debacle was of far greater magnitude than both Florida and California combined. He further alleged that the Parliament of Sri Lanka, situated in SJ-K was located in a specially-designed containment pond to dampen the critical mass of bogosity generated during its sessions. This evidence in itself, he stated would be sufficient to justify his case. The Parliament of Sri Lanka was in a hung state and not available for comment.
Schwarzenegger's move was widely received by the scientific community, who believed it was about time the bogosity of SJ-K was internationally recognized. Experts, meanwhile, confirmed that the late visionary architect Geoffrey Bawa knew what he was doing when he decided to place parliament in the middle of a lake. It was the general opinion that more parliaments should be surrounded by water with the option of Complete Submersion on Demand (CSoD). Lawmakers are, however, expected to protest this latest opinion as environmentally unsound practice. Analysts dismissed these concerns saying the methane emissions from most parliaments are a greater threat, considering the contribution to global warming.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Friday, April 02, 2004
It looks like the collective citizens of nerd-ania are back in business. I am not sure how long the site has been up since it went through a dormant period due to lack of any interesting input by the users. (It still doesn't seem all that interesting.) I am not reading to find out either. I can't be bothered reading about the make-believe republics and bogus scientific names of bacteria.
But it is interesting to see there are some new people around. I hope they will be able to contribute with some stuff that are actually worth spending time reading. Obviously, the older members failed miserably. Especially the dingbat who started this. I must admit though, I have very little hope.
But it is interesting to see there are some new people around. I hope they will be able to contribute with some stuff that are actually worth spending time reading. Obviously, the older members failed miserably. Especially the dingbat who started this. I must admit though, I have very little hope.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- The Powers that Be headed by Kahuna acknowledges the thanks from the good citizens of the Bogusan Empire. The Silence of El Gordo was accomplished using the tried-and-tested Eä() function call, first spoken by Illuvatar. Analysts now believe that the initial discord in the Music of the Ainur giving rise to evil in the World was due to El Gordo playing the Holy Bongo off-key, while attempting the more complex contortions described in the Karma Sutra. It was pointed out that Melkor was previously suspected of this foul deed and cast into the Void in what appears to be a monumental miscarriage of justice.
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