THE PAN PACIFIC, Republic of Singapore -- The day began in a bogus fashion with an uncooperative motor vehicle. At 4 am, it was discovered that the lead-acid accumulator of the vehicle in question had collapsed into a flat quantum state in accordance with Schrödinger’s theory (i.e., it was not known to be flat until the ignition key was rotated clockwise along the z-axis to the start position).

The resultant state of affairs necessitated commandeering of a backup motor vehicle to enable a bit-block transfer to the airport. Upon subsequently reaching the airport—named for the Scourges of the Nation—and standing in line at the check-in counters of Srilankan Scarelines, the clownette in session informed Kahuna that the flight was full. It appeared that a confirmed ticket was not necessarily sufficient to travel on Srilankan Scarelines. Kahuna was then asked if it was important for Him to reach the Orient on-time. Kahuna replied with, "No, why don't I twiddle the Holy Thumbs in your august airport instead?" or words to that effect. However, Kahuna was not alone in being so excluded from the aircraft—a family of four was in a similar boat. The head of said family confided to Kahuna that it was being yelled at, in view the prevailing bogosity. Kahuna made appropriate sympathetic noises out of earshot of the afore-mentioned family members.

After delaying Kahuna for half an hour, the clownette in session miraculously located free space within the aircraft—no doubt, some form of defragmentation or compression algorithm was invoked. Kahuna then checked-in and after dealing with security types who wished to examine the contents of His Pockets, boarding took place. Upon boarding, Kahuna found to His annoyance that the allotted seat 17H was already occupied by a female type. Assuming that females were incapable of differentiating between 17H and 18H (which turns out to be 1H), Kahuna occupied seat 18H. A short while later, an elderly clown, who had apparently absconded to the gent’s, turned up and queried what Kahuna was doing in its seat. This led to arbitration by a flight attendant and it transpired that the female mentioned previously was also unable to differentiate between 17H and 11D. To simplify this equation, Kahuna agreed to move to 11D, leaving the bogus female to her faulty algebra, geometry and possibly even topology.

After a fifteen minute delay, when the aircraft was taxiing, a clown of the Faith was heard praying loudly in the back of the cabin. AHA() function calls were issued to the great annoyance of Kahuna and the rest of the passengers. After an uneventful cruise climb, the Buffoon Purser came on-air to make an announcement: "There appears to be a malfunction in the in-flight... entertainment system." This was just as well: Kahuna discovered that the wired remote control device of seat 11D was missing anyway, having been ripped out of its recess. Thus began a three hour, fifteen minute flight of utter boredom to Kuala Lumpur. En route, a fascinating species of meal was served. Kahuna opted for the scrambled eggs and baked beans to avoid any possibility of bandakka manifesting themselves. It came to light that the eggs were not merely scrambled, but essentially Vulcanized into an amorphous mass with great potential of replacing asphalt. Pieces of tasteless fruit, along with strategically disguised pineapple were also among those present.

On finally landing in Singapore, a clown activated its mobile phone in violation of FAA regulations while the aircraft was taxiing to the gate. Said phone received multiple short messages and then began ringing with a most obnoxious tone. The clown then began a loud conversation in the native tongue; while the passenger next to Kahuna gave it looks capable of vaporizing an elephant at thirty paces. On that bogus note ended the first day of Kahuna’s visitation to the Orient. May the Farce be with us.