The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost, 1874-1963

There's an analysis here. While I was searching for this poem, I also came across a PDF presentation of the same name by Richard P Gabriel, Distinguished Engineer from Sun Microsystems, Inc. It's about the nature of future software and makes interesting reading.

You might also want to visit his website, Dreamsongs.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 4

Every time I login and see you, I get angry at god for creating such idiotic samples of human beings.

- St Vandoofus, expressing great displeasure at seeing Kahuna online.

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, IIV, IIIV, IX, X.

- St Vandoofus, giving a new definition to the Roman numerals, in particular the imaginary numbers.

I did have sex with a woman!

- St Vandoofus, ejaculating a non-Clintonian denial of his alleged ambidexterity.

How do you spell 'immortal'?

- St Vandoofus, requesting remote lexicon support during a weed-induced creative binge.

[Censored].

- Ven T H Wimalasara.

I was forced to use the H-word early in the morning!

- Kahuna, on exchanging pleasantries with the Ven Wimalasara in the native tongue.

Happy Birthday, Professor Gordon!

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- Professor Gordon celebrates his N^th Birthday today, where N appears to be a positive integer whose solution requires Gaussian elimination. Some form of orgy is in progress at Gordon’s rural hideout, but celebrations appear to have been overshadowed by the presence of the Ven T H Wimalasara^[1].

This news came to light when Kahuna made a courtesy telephone call to Gordon this morning, only to find the Ven Wimalasara occupying the arch-inventor’s chambers. Consequent to a brief conversation with the Ven Wimalasara, Kahuna’s MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) has plummeted to well below parliamentary levels. The Ven Wimalasara’s MTBE hovers an iota above zero at most times and occasionaly goes negative during expletive-multiplexing.

Kahuna noted that today was also a holy day, with Pope Benedict XVI being scheduled for installation later during the day. He played down any coincidence between these events. The Circus wishes the portly one many happy returns of the day!

[1] Thorana Handiye Wimalasara, aka Clown W (not related to the Shrub family)

Waffles Joins Kahuna's Household

Waffles studying string theory (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- In a press release issued this afternoon, Kahuna announced that the cat Waffles had joined His Household last week, much to the irritation of His imcumbent senior and junior canines. He added that an uneasy ceasefire had been negotiated late last week and was holding despite provocation from both sides. An incident was reported just this morning when the junior canine made off with a tennis ball owned by Waffles. However, the situation had returned to normal with the intervention of the ceasefire monitors.

Political analysts mused that Kahuna's latest move was likely to raise tensions with the cat-infested Gordon Administration. The False Prophet, Professor Gordon was not available for comment, having been last seen snacking prior to dinner. Not quite cricket, what?

FMM Expresses Concern Over Censorship Initiatives by Big Kahuna

NY, Ansonia, (ENN) -- The Free Media Movement of Ansonia, in a press release, has expressed concern over the censorship initiatives adopted by the Circus administration. Despite the earlier assurances by the chief blogger, big Kahuna of Moratuwa, the Circus has apparently adapted measures to censor any politically sensitive materials published by fellow bloggers that may be detrimental to Big Kahuna’s political agenda. An individual who preferred to remain anonymous said that his comments on an article were completely deleted by Big Kahuna who was responsible for the content of the article. The individual has merely attempted to point out that the article was completely bogus and this has triggered Big Kahuna to take censorship measures. The FMM in its press release urged the Circus authorities to condemn the censorship initiatives adapted by the Big Kahuna and also urged an investigation to the possible violations of constitution by Big Kahuna who acted in a dictatorial manner. Big Kahuna was available when contacted but was unable to provide any comprehensible or non-bogus comments worth publishing. ENN will be monitoring the situation closely in the coming days.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 1 - Back to BASIC

CAMBRIDGE, United Kingdom -- The sublime buffoonery of this post will probably only be appreciated by those of us who have had the privilege of using a ZX Spectrum created in 1982 by arch-inventor, Sir Clive Sinclair. With a 3.5 MHz Zilog Z80A processor, 16K of ROM and 48K of RAM, the Spectrum provided a color PAL video output viewable on a TV screen. We respectfully bow to what is possible with 48K of RAM and the holy Z80 machine language.

Kahuna is the proud owner of a Spectrum, still operational after twenty-two years. Curiously, Kahuna’s Intel hardware has not survived the years.

The following high-level language discussion which took place a few weeks ago between Kahuna and Professor Gordon is introduced as evidence of Outright Buffoonery (OB):

Kahuna : en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinclair_BASIC
Gordon : Indeed... I once downloaded a ZX Spectrum
         simulator
Gordon : I had about 10 of them running in separate
         windows whilst playing an MP3 too X-(+
Kahuna : Indeed... I play around with said simulator
         from time to time
Kahuna : The games are NB
Kahuna : By The Lords of Midnight[1]
Gordon : Sir Clive was quite the clown
Kahuna : I believe there's a version that runs on
         PalmOS
Kahuna : I will source() this :-D
Gordon : Heh heh
Gordon : Geek X-(
Kahuna : That is totally uncalled for by GOSUB X-(
Gordon : Nonsense by INSTR$[2]
Kahuna : You're failing to see the middle path by
         LEFT$
Gordon : You are POKEing your nose in matters that
         are out of your jurisdiction
Kahuna : Nonsense, by B Integer out of range X-(
Gordon : You're quite DIM aren't you?
Kahuna : A BORDER 0 will sort you out X-(
Gordon : GOTO hell
Kahuna : C Nonsense in BASIC
Kahuna : :=))
Gordon : ABSolute idiot
Kahuna : Nonsense... merely BRIGHT
Gordon : What the BEEP are you going on about now?
         X-(
Kahuna : Can't you READ? X-(
Kahuna : By INKEY$
Gordon : That's a LOAD of tripe. You're getting one
         STEP closer to being ERASEd, FOR you are
         driving me OVER my threshold of patience.
         If I were you, I'd RUN
Kahuna : Q Parameter error
Kahuna : Your BASIC is quite RANDOMIZEd
Gordon : RETURN
Gordon : Would you like to VERIFY that with the
         relevant authorities?
Kahuna : 7 - RETURN without GO SUB
Kahuna : :-D
Gordon : You're really LETting me down now X-(
Kahuna : 0 - OK
Kahuna : :-D
Gordon : :=))
Kahuna : Heh heh heh
Kahuna : Have you revised my CF?
Gordon : (c) 1982 Sinclair Research
Gordon : Indeed X-(
Kahuna : M - RAMTOP no good :-D
Kahuna : Would be the correct response to that
         question :-))

[After a considerable pause]

Kahuna : Are you looking for the processor
         reference manual? :-p
Gordon : Er no X-(
Kahuna : That H - STOP in INPUT was beginning
         to worry me...

Clowns wishing to fiddle around with a Spectrum are advised to download a suitable emulator for their platform of choice from the World of Spectrum. ZX-32 by Vaggelis Kapartzianis is highly recommended for the Windows platform.

Twenty years from now, it may well be possible to emulate Microsoft Windows [signs to avert evil] on whatever form of machine that happens to exist. Why anyone would want to do that of course boggles the mind.

Incidentally, Cambridge in the summer is NB. Kahuna recalls the summer of '99. Those were the days...

[1] PC version available here.
[2] Gordon surreptitiously introduces an invalid keyword into the proceedings.

Kahuna Refutes Allegations

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- In a rebuttal issued a short while ago, Kahuna denied He had any interest in a role in Driving Miss Daisy, and charged that Professor Gordon had a bone to pick with the production as he was barred from the set, given his dubious mechanical aptitude, poor knowledge of physics and the priceless vintage automobiles present. Kahuna added that “Beresford got tired of telling Gordon that he didn’t want any cars exploding. It simply wasn’t that kind of movie. I think [Gordon is] still pretty sore about that.”

Kahuna scoffed at the idea of the Gordon movies being docudramas, serious or otherwise, saying “It would be more of an action-comedy along the lines of Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. There’s lots of room for pyrotechnics and Gordon can do his own stunts. Of course, we’ll be watching from the next county.” Controversial director St Vandoofus said he had decided to shoot the opening scene of Raiders at 34th Street-Penn Station to appropriate music by Simon and Garfunkel.

When questioned about allegations of an illicit brewery operation, Kahuna made clear that Gordon’s allegations were not new and dealt with adequately in a previous press release. ClownWorks TKG, He said was partly funded by His global business interests.

This is a developing story and KNN will continue to provide highly-biased coverage.

Gordon Issues Press Release

PERADENIYA, Sri-Lanka -- In a rare and late-breaking press release issued from his hill-country retreat, Professor Gordon revealed that "Kahuna"'s venture into movie-making follows his long-standing disappointment with being unable to secure the main role of Hoke Colburn in Bruce Beresford's Pulitzer-prize winning "Driving Miss Daisy" for lack of basic skills related to the role. It is rumored however that "Kahuna" was offered the role of Miss Daisy which he promptly turned down.

Gordon expressed some level of discomfort in the film consortium's choice of director, claiming St.Vandoofus was better known for his amateur pornographic flicks than serious docu-dramas. He was nontheless prepared to give Vandoofus a fair chance and would consider his performance in "Raiders of the Lost Gearbox" as a deciding factor in who would direct the remaining two movies of the trilogy.

Gordon revealed that ClownWorks TKG will initially be funded by "Kahuna"'s covert hooch operation which is doing remarkably well, especially during the past few weeks.

Prof.Gordon also stated that he was not too sure if he should be flattered or worried about "Kahuna"'s preoccupation with publishing articles related to his activities.

ClownWorks Announces Gordon Movie Trilogy

HOLLYWOOD, California Republic -- In eagerly anticipated news, entertainment giant ClownWorks TKG^[1] announced late Friday that after much internal wrangling a multi-million dollar deal had been inked to produce a movie trilogy depicting the adventures of renegade climatologist and porcupine expert, Professor Gordon. ClownWorks sources refused to divulge the exact value of the deal, but indicated that rival studio Bart-Warner had been thrust into oblivion with a well-placed impetus to the collective posterior.

The first movie of the trilogy, Raiders of the Lost Gearbox recounts Gordon’s secret expedition to recover the transmission and drivetrain of the legendary dandu monara—the flying machine reputedly used by one Ravana for nefarious purposes during a bygone age. Although, most aeronautical engineers believe that Gordon has got his propellers in a twist, the outcome of the quest is still shrouded in mystery.

The second episode, Ebenezer Gordon and the Carburetor of Doom, explores the arch-mechanic’s Cuban years as Chief Scientist and in particular the explosive government-sponsored research program to fabricate a working Chevy carburetor. Although, Gordon blew up many vintage automobiles, the project was ultimately a failure and led to widespread speculation in the bauxite futures market. Nevertheless, Cuban leader Fidel Castro Ruz is considered likely to put in a cameo appearance in the movie.

The plotline of the last episode, Ebenezer Gordon and the Last Porcupine remains under wraps, but the role of the Vice Chancellor’s gardener is expected to be prominent. Industry insiders also believe this episode will feature the rousing Porcupine Overture from Un Puerco Espín en Amor^[2], composed by Gordon and performed by the Ganemulla Philharmonic Orchestra.

In a brief statement to the media, Kahuna expressed His belief that the Gordon trilogy would be a certain win at the box office adding that renowned moviemaker St Vandoofus had been hired as director. Professor Gordon was unavailable for comment, having absconded to the hills for regulatory reasons.

This is a developing story and KNN will provide live coverage.

[1] Teddybear-Kahuna-Gordon.
[2] A Porcupine in Love.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 3

I can’t believe I’m not in the “Quotable Quotes” [sic].

- St Vandoofus, expressing displeasure (and a quote) at not being included in the last edition of the “Unquotable Quotes.”

I put it in the wrong place.

- The Teddybear, on the anatomy of a botched HTML tag.

Those who can, blog. Those who can’t, comment. Those who can’t comment, yawn.

- Kahuna, explaining the modus operandi of the Jester.

I can borrow the host’s cutlery for some impromptu neurosurgery if necessary.

- Kahuna, in discussions with the Teddybear on the proposed fate of the Jester.

New Year Ushered in Amidst Steaming Dairy Products

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Yet another year has been ushered in according to yet another calendar with the usual boiling and spill over of dairy products together with the fabrication of rice mixed with the said dairy products.

Notably this year, that culinary mastermind Chef Pubilis was seen constructing an instance of milk rice at the national level (jaathika-mattame kiribatha) under the auspices of media, law-enforcement and military types. This, however, appears to have been a piece of cake after setting a Guinness World Record by constructing the largest and longest milk rice on an earlier occasion.

Kahuna will now retire to digest breakfast, and wishes to remind clowns that Beltaine will be celebrated on the 1^st of May, to recognize the traditional beginning of summer in Éire.

St Vandoofus's Holy Memory Leak Hypothesis

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Senior Clown St Vandoofus has discovered the leading cause of memory leaks in software, as revealed by the following discussion that took place a few days ago:

Vandoofus : Slap()
Kahuna    : Kick()
Vandoofus : You know what programs often have memory
            leaks?
Kahuna    : Hmmmm...
Vandoofus : It’s when you don’t close parenthesis
Vandoofus : The variables fall off
Kahuna    : #@!$#@!@ X-(+++
Vandoofus : Hehe
Kahuna    : That's the most absurd thing I've heard
            today
Vandoofus : Hihihi
Vandoofus : Cause I almost did slap(0
Vandoofus : Then 0 would have leaked out
Kahuna    : X-(
Kahuna    : I'm going to blog this X-(
Vandoofus : :-S
Vandoofus : Finally make it to quotable quotes?
Kahuna    : Yeah X-(
Vandoofus : Yey
Vandoofus : :-D
Kahuna    : You’re a large clown

If this is true, Microsoft compilers don't seem to be of any use even at syntax checking. Microsoft Evangelist, Professor Gordon was unavailable for comment.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 2

I forgot it was the Jester...

- The Monster in his own defense, on being accused of high treason by spilling trade secrets to the Jester during a casual conversation.

BTBOTP! A mouse just scampered across the room!

- Professor Gordon, upon witnessing further bogosity at the Galadari Hotel on 7th April.

Was Camilla wearing a porcupine?

- Professor Gordon, in his official capacity as Head of the prestigious Porcupine Institute of Ganemulla, querying the pointy headgear worn by the Duchess of Cornwall at her wedding.

Be warned that I have washed the car [GITT MkII]!

- Professor Gordon issuing a weather advisory, expounding direct correlation between the act of washing GITT and afternoon or evening thundershowers.

Kahuna Announces Eclipse

SUN CITY, California Republic -- In a press release issued a short time ago, Kahuna announced that a hybrid solar eclipse has been scheduled over the Pacific Ocean and parts of Central America later today, 8th April 2005. The event will commence as an annular eclipse at 18:54 UTC and develop into a total eclipse in 24 minutes. This phase will last 84 minutes before reverting to an annular eclipse for another 33 minutes. The central path of the eclipse is expected to extend 12,941 km over the Earth’s surface with the totality being 27 km at its widest point [Animation].

Kahuna calculated the velocity of the umbral cone to exceed Mach 3 at sea level, adding that at least an SR-71 Blackbird would be required to keep up with the eclipse. Each Pratt & Whitney J58 continuous-bleed afterburning engine of the aircraft would produce 145 kN of thrust, operating as a turbojet at low speed and as a ramjet at high speed. Kahuna declared the engine design to be highly disturbing and cautioned that arch-climatologist Professor Gordon may attempt to steal one for personal use. Gordon was unavailable for comment.

Clowns planning on eclipse-chasing with a Blackbird are advised to first read the SR-71 Flight Manual. Kahuna advises extreme caution in perusing this document as the cognitive equivalent of a kernel panic is most likely in lesser mortals.

We now return you to regularly scheduled Jester bashing.

He's Alive

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- This just in on BNN. He's alive !!!! He's alive !!!! Huggles is alive !!!! Da Bear has laid a mighty cuddle on Huggles ... er ... huggle on Cuddles ... hmmm ... the Da Bear cuddles huggled ... psssst, turn on the weather ...

And now for the weather with Cuddled Huggles ... which will be followed straight after by a continuation of Jester bashing.

Subliminal message: Please visit www.thejesterisatwat.co.uk for streaming video of Jester bashing and pathalogical yawning.

Jester Bashing

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Once again the Circus finds itself in familiar territory with bickering among its members along with a healthy dose of Jester bashing as the main topic of conversation. The Jester, a dropout from the financially unstable Clown School, is noted to be suffering from chronic insomnia and has been seen yawning continuously for entire blog posts.

The word on the street is that Clown Eshan has come to the defense of the Jester by attempting to divert attention elsewhere and commenting on how the Circus should not entertain poetry and karaoke. When approached for comment Kahuna(Big) turned up his nose and said 'Definition is beyond the Circus and the Circus is beyond definition'. (We shall leave it up to you, our loyal readers to make sense out of that one).

When approached again for clarification on his cryptic words, Kahuna(Big) was quoted as saying, 'I will not get involved. I am serious. I will not get involved'. But it is rumored that there has been an open invitation issued by the Circus to indulge in all forms of Jester bashing for an unspecified time period.

That is all from us here in Colombo. We will keep you updated if this story develops. Thank you for your time.

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Karol Józef Wojtyła, May 18, 1920 - April 2, 2005. Requiescat in pace.

Dedication

STUDIO CITY, California Republic -- Tonight’s dedication from everyone here at the Circus, goes out to the Jester: “If I Only had a Brain,” with apologies to the Wizard of Oz.

New Hit Single

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- This just in as headlines on BNN. Da Bear debuting straight at number one on the Popclown Charts with his brand new Broadway hit "Uranus was once TheJester". Here are a few lines from the single, the complete song can be downloaded via www.TheJesterisatwat.co.uk/prick.

Graduate to the Dark Side of the Moon
TheJester shall, whoever this pathetic soul may be.
A natured nutter his profile may state,
But a sad M****r F****r be his ultimate fate.

by Da Bear with apologies to no one in particular.

And now for the weather by Twister Lopez ...