The Google Reader and A Walk Through Durham Township

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- For those of you who've not tried out the Google Reader, the time is nigh. This is a nifty web-based feed reader that has preset bundles (news, sports, photography, science etc.) to get you started. You can even star your favorite items and share them with others off a web page or feed.

The photography bundle is highly recommended. This is where I came across A Walk Through Durham Township, Pennsylvania, a photoblog by Kathleen Connally. She uses a full-format 12-megapixel Canon EOS 5D and here's a selection of her work:

• The Woot Shung Walking Stick
• Running the Combine at Dusk
• The Old Farmall 300 in the Dinosaur Shed
• Raking Alfalfa
• Picking Blackberries
  
• In the Pool
  
• Manfred's Herd

Of course, it's much easier to view all this in the Google Reader. Get in there! Microsoft evangelist Professor Gordon is advised to jump on the bandwagon before his Christmas stockings end up filled with Zunes—lumps of coal being more aesthetic and having higher market value. Not to mention heating value.

Three Years of Highly Defamatory Blogging

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- During the last three years, quite a lot of content has been generated. The last highly inflammatory rant by Darth Teddy was the 500^th such post. Kahuna indicated that He would retaliate appropriately to the cuddly one's overactive imagination during the weekend. Fur, He indicated, would fly.

In the meantime, the much-maligned background quotation marks—generated by blockquote markup—have been consigned to the depths of the East River.

The label widget has also been added to the sidebar under the blog archive. Of historical posts, only the Unquotable Quotes series is currently labeled in entirety.

Dubious Activity Towards the South

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- Amidst several attempts to syndicate this news item we at BNN have finally been able uphold justice through this exclusive. As may of you are aware the Kahuna (Big) has been posting a number of dodgy pictures portraying furry rat-like creatures known to some of you as squirrels. However, we at BNN have exclusive behind the scenes footage (amongst very wet conditions) of what actually transpired during this R-rated weekend of "squirrel photography."

Two weeks ago on an undercover dining expedition with Kahuna (Big) by one of our star reporters, Kahuna let slip some very interesting information about an expedition that he undertook, under very wet conditions. This expedition took him 45 minutes away from his abode (which is also in the depths of the jungle) further into oblivion to a location aptly named Ben(d)tota. The general public thus far has been tactfully subjected to images of these furry creatures as a front to the actual goings on.

Our start reporter, DT we shall call him, almost fell out (or was he pushed) of the vehicle he was traveling in at the time when Kahuna revealed sensitive information to the effect of not, I repeat NOT engaging in this expedition alone. *Gasp*

In order to negate any further suspense we can now reveal that Kahuna (Big) did in fact engage in this expedition with a thus unnamed Molecular Biologist. Unfortunately, we were unable to ascertain the name of this biologist. However, we must stress that a very noticeable blush was released right after Kahuna (Big) uttered the word "molecular."

Of course there were strong denials that anything slippery went on in the space that was shared within this squirrel and biologist infested arena. This was widely expected as almost no one admits to a good time with fur and molecules together.

Unfortunately, no further information could be squeezed out of the now blushing Kahuna (Big) due to recognition of his blunder. We at BNN will however attempt to follow up on this exclusive and try to gain much more juicy information.

We must stress that other than obscene imagery of the furry rat-like creatures, no squirrels were harmed during this expedition, but unfortunately no guarantee can be given to any molecules or biologists in question. We hope you have enjoyed this breaking news and until next time... good night.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 29

That's why they call me the Energizer Bunny.

— Vandoofus, establishing his credentials.

No, no, my snake was played with a while ago.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, pleading no contest to snake charming.

Unbloggable content usually implies me.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, attempting to amass rights to all questionable content.

Do you want half-naked pics of Darth Teddy posted on the Circus?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, lobbying for a private blog.

I don't want them posted anywhere.

— Vandoofus, vetoing Kahuna's bid for a private blog.

I see you're engaging in religious observances.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy engrossed in premier league football.

Nonsense, your accusations are false: I never stopped.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being accused of being on the prowl again.

Your imagination should be put on a leash.

— Gordon, seething over Kahuna's latest defamatory posting.

You will note I am entitled to pay tax here, but not to vote.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the land of the free.

Now all we need is to interface this with the ICBM guidance system.

— Kahuna to Darth Ching, proposing ballistic missile delivery to IP address using www.ip-adress.com.

Having an accident in the rain in a 150 mph device with a load of lithium-ion batteries could get quite interesting.

— Gordon, assessing the impact of a high-speed collision in a Tesla Roadster under wet weather conditions.

Will these batteries be made by the explosives manufacturer, Sony?

— Kahuna, querying the source of the Tesla Roadster's lithium-ion batteries.

Are you lighting the bonfires? No doubt you will be leading the cattle home shortly.

— Kahuna, seeking to implicate Gordon in an ancient Samhain ritual.

I have stockpiled chocolate.

— Gordon, announcing preparations for Halloween.

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

As whom are you dressing up tonight? Or will you be scaring people as is?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's Halloween dress code.

Your broomstick license has been approved; keep out of the no fly zones.

— Kahuna, announcing FAA clearance for Gordon's B-82 Stratosweeper.

Someone should stick a broomstick up your ass.

— Gordon, proposing to deal with Kahuna à la Rumsfeld.

You will also note that capacitor polarities are clearly marked on the board.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pointing out significant safety features of the Apple iMac G5 midplane.

Like a nuclear winter.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being asked about the weather in Tehran.

Did you try multi-party talks?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of Gordon's refusal to negotiate.

Is that like an orgy?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on the definition of multi-party talks.

Oh, I was chatting with Gordon yesterday. He is still determined to pursue nuclear technology.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, noting a breakdown in multi-party talks.

A Plutonium Delight?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, suggesting a deadly dessert from Kim's.

Yeah, topped with caesium.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, selecting a decidedly explosive topping for the Plutonium Delight.

We will go for option one, option two seems too easy.

— Darth Teddy, opting for the Sour Cream Apple Pie with Streusel Topping rather than the Ice Cream with Rum Sauce for dessert at Kahuna's.

Keep an eye on the tart.

— DCI Kahuna, instructing DS Darth Teddy to place an apple pie in the oven under surveillance.

I'm taking a break from females.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing an abrupt policy reversal.

Squirrels might not have been harmed, but I'm sure a few were blinded.

— Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of Kahuna's squirrel photography.

Hogwash. I've always been armed with a pencil and ruler.

— Kahuna, denying Darth Teddy's allegations of not knowing when to draw the line.

It looks like they've missed the polonium while they were confiscating liquids.

— Kahuna, commenting on radiation being detected aboard British Airways aircraft after the Litvinenko affair.

Now you'll be frisked with a Geiger counter at the airport and all those Rolex watches with radium dials confiscated.

— Gordon, predicting an elevated level of lunacy in air travel.

Do you think my portrayal of Kim in KGM9 is Oscar-worthy?

— Kahuna to Gordon, eying an Academy Award for his role as an unstable despot.

It's interesting that none of your bungles are included.

— Darth Teddy, accusing Kahuna of expunging His unquotable quotes from the official record.

Would you like me to align Saturn in a more favorable manner so you can proceed?

— Kahuna, offering to move planets to mobilize a procrastinating Gordon.

Team Members Widget Operational

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Darth Teddy has crossed over to the dark side. Well, to the Beta at least. Consequently, the team members widget is functioning again and has been put back on the sidebar. It appears to need at least two accounts on the Beta to work.

Clowns should switch by logging into Blogger and then following instructions on the dashboard.

We're Back with a New Look!

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- After a whole weekend of fiddling with the layout mechanism of the Blogger in Beta, we're back with a new look. New posts and changes to posts are now saved to the database and dynamically served on demand. The dreaded publishing indicator is no more. Yay!

We had to remove the list of team members because that wasn't being generated correctly with a link to everyone's profiles. We'll put that back once it's fixed. In other noticeable changes, the blog archive has a new format and we've got a cleaner overall feel. The Beta supports labels (tags) for each post (like in Gmail and Picasa). You can see them at the bottom of this post. A label list will be added to the sidebar later.

One other important change: a Google account is needed to use the Beta. According to Blogger, you'll be invited to switch the next time you login with your existing Blogger account. Holler if you need help.

Well, that's it for the moment. Do send feedback about the new interface. Happy blogging!

Welcome to the Beta

BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- We've just migrated to the new Beta. Finally. Some more work needs to be done to switch from the old template system to layouts, so things may not work as they should right now.

12 Days of Christmas (Indhian Istyle)

MUMBAI, India -- Of all the great artistic works of this century the 12 Days of Christmas by Boymongoose is definitely considered to be one of the best. Its excellent cinematography, score and the shear literary marvel of the lyrics places the song in a class of its own. Despite critics' claims the work to be racist I think it is hilarious and should be nominated for the Nobel Prize for … something.

Squirrel Antics

 
 
 
 
 
 

Squirrel Antics (Copyright (cc) 2006 B Kahuna)

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- Squirrels frolic and pose for Kahuna at the Bentota Beach Hotel. More squirrel photographs posted to the Flickr Group Pool.

Captured on November 19^th 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority.  

Fence by the Water

Fence by the Water (Copyright (cc) 2006 B Kahuna)

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- A brushwood fence and hedge borders a pond at the Bentota Beach Hotel.

Captured on November 19^th 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on shutter priority (1/100^th of a second) with a resultant aperture of speed of f/10.0 at ISO 125. 

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 2 - The Way of the Squirrel

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- We now reveal a conversation between known squirrel-sympathizer Kahuna and Darth Teddy, a vociferous proponent of the anti-squirrel lobby:

Kahuna      : In other news, I visited Bentota during 
              the weekend.
Darth Teddy : Ah, I see.
Kahuna      : Indeed. The Bentota Beach Hotel to be 
              precise.
Darth Teddy : What for?
Kahuna      : To photograph squirrels.
Darth Teddy : I see X-(
Darth Teddy : Completely bogus.
Kahuna      : Now, now X-(
Kahuna      : I have NB-complete photographs of 
              squirrels.
Darth Teddy : Nonsense, all photographs of squirrels 
              are bogus by default.
Kahuna      : This is a highly contentious argument.
Kahuna      : You will explain your thesis X-(
Darth Teddy : It’s not as argument. It’s a fact.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you do not have evidence to 
              establish an axiom.
Darth Teddy : Having to travel 45 minutes in wet 
              conditions to photograph rat-like 
              creatures is evidence enough X-(
Kahuna      : X-(
Kahuna      : I will take you on an expedition to the
              Sinharaja to photograph leeches if you 
              persist with your thesis X-(
Darth Teddy : At least I haven't been there.
Kahuna      : !@#$@#$#@$'
Kahuna      : You're getting to be a handful early in 
              the morning X-(
Darth Teddy : You are engaging in bogus expeditions.
Kahuna      : Bah! I have every right to engage in 
              photography of squirrels X-(
Darth Teddy : Indeed, I did not say that it was illegal 
              to be insane.
Kahuna      : You're quite unruly this morning X-(
Darth Teddy : This is all your doing.
Kahuna      : I think your anaconda is not getting out 
              enough X-(
Darth Teddy : I think yours hasn't gotten out at all.
Kahuna      : That's what you think.
Darth Teddy : You might want to blog this conversation.

The conversation become completely unbloggable from this point onwards and will be reserved for Kahuna's memoirs, significant chapters of which will be dedicated towards the antics of Darth Teddy.

No squirrels were harmed during the course of this production.

Araliya

 
Araliya (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- White Frangipani (Plumeria alba) in bloom at the Bentota Beach Hotel. Native to Central America, Plumeria is now found in tropical areas throughout the world.

Captured on November 19^th 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.6) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/400^th of a second at ISO 125. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 9 - Of Unbalanced Dictators and Emergency Services

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- What would happen if the unbalanced dictator of an oppressive regime called emergency services? Kahuna and Professor Gordon conducted research to find out. Here, Kahuna plays the role of the deranged dictator and Gordon, the dispatcher:

Kahuna : 911?
Gordon : Emergency, please provide your name and 
         address.
Kahuna : Kim Il-Jung, Pyongyang, North Korea.
Gordon : What is your emergency?
Kahuna : My nuclear weapon won't detonate.
Gordon : We can't find a match for you sir, is that 
         Kim Jong-Il?
Kahuna : This is an emergency, do you expect me to 
         remember everything?
Gordon : We've got a team on their way with a pack 
         of Viagra right now, sir.
Gordon : Your weapon will detonate.
Kahuna : I don't think you understand: I think the 
         plutonium I purchased is defective.
Gordon : Is that what you call it in Asia, sir?
Kahuna : How dare you insult the Dear Leader!
Kahuna : This is an outrage!
Gordon : You can't be as dear as you sound if you're
         soliciting Viagra.
Kahuna : You will need Viagra once we're through with
         you.
Gordon : There's no need to get abusive, sir.
Kahuna : Tchah! You'll probably turn up here without
         a Geiger counter.
Gordon : I'm told you have your own.

This production was inspired by a recent 911 call made by Professor Gordon. Emergency services responded in under than 5 minutes with one squad car, one ambulance and one firetruck. Clearly, they didn't trust Gordon with his description of the problem and decided to show up en masse. However, in their great haste, they forgot to bring a thermometer.

No weapons-grade plutonium or sildenafil citrate was proliferated during this production.

Sunny Skies

Sunny Skies (Copyright © 2006 Darth Teddy)

The Tesla Roadster

The Tesla Roadster (Copyright © 2006 Tesla Motors, Inc)

SAN CARLOS, California Republic -- There's been a great disturbance in the force, and not merely the electromotive force. Silicon Valley startup Tesla Motors, Inc., has created an automobile that can only be described as highly disturbing. Here's what their website has to say:

The Tesla Roadster’s specs illustrate what it does (0 to 60 in about 4 seconds) — as well as what it doesn’t (zero emissions, zero motor oil). With one moving part in the motor, no clutch, and two gears, it’s not only a joy to drive, but to own as well. There is no motor oil to change; no filters, belts, or spark plugs to replace; no oxygen sensors to mistrust before an emissions test — in fact, no emissions test required ever. Other than inspection, the only service we recommend for the first 100,000 miles is brake and tire service.

The Tesla Roadster delivers peak torque at zero rpm, enabling disturbing acceleration rivaling that of a Lamborghini Murciélago:

How powerful is the acceleration? A quick story to illustrate. A favorite trick here at Tesla Motors is to invite a passenger along and ask him to turn on the radio. At the precise moment we ask, we accelerate. Our passenger simply can’t sit forward enough to reach the dials. But who needs music when you’re experiencing such a symphony of motion.

Ouch.

The Tesla Roadster is named after the Serbian-American genius Nikola Tesla (1856-1943) who pioneered the use of polyphase alternating current systems. Tesla, who has more than 1,200 patents to his name, invented the induction motor, Tesla coil, radio, wireless remote control and wireless lighting.

The car that bears his name is powered by a 3-phase, 4-pole electric motor with a peak output of 248hp (185kW) at 13,500 rpm. This also allows it to perform regenerative braking: when the brakes are applied, the motor becomes a generator and charges the batteries, thus recovering part of the kinetic energy that would otherwise be lost. It is powered by an array of lithium-ion batteries (not from Sony) and achieves full charge in 3.5 hours, sufficient for 250 miles of driving. Standard equipment includes a mobile charging unit (for the car, not your phone) and iPod interface. Disturbing indeed.

Unlike Thomas Edison who left a legacy in the form of General Electric and the many other companies that bear the Edison name, Nikola Tesla died forgotten and penniless at age 86. Shortly after his death in 1943, the US Supreme Court ruled that his patent had precedence over that of Guglielmo Marconi, effectively recognizing Tesla as the primary inventor of the radio.

It is indeed fitting that the Tesla Roadster was unveiled in 2006, the year UNESCO has declared to be the Year of Nikola Tesla, in celebration of the 150^th anniversary of his birth. Tesla Motors justly concludes:

We‘re confident that if he were alive today, Nikola Tesla would look over our car and nod his head with both understanding and approval.

Gordon Swept into Brouhaha over Broomstick

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Mysterious UFO sightings on the night of Halloween have led investigators to suspect crackpot inventor Professor Gordon's use of an advanced prototype broomstick.

The contraption, called a B-82 Stratosweeper, is understood to have been powered by an ion drive of Gordon's own design. Ion drives eject charged particles to provide thrust, but have been traditionally plagued with problems of low acceleration due to poor power-weight ratios. Gordon's drive appears to have overcome these obstacles.

The arch-mechanic had taken the Stratosweeper for a spin during Halloween, counting on increased seasonal air traffic to provide sufficient cover. However, a malfunction in the shielding of his ion drive had led to an electrical fire in the engine compartment. Eye-witnesses said that the broomstick did several loops and rolls leaving a trail of blue sparks and thick white smoke. Gordon's posterior had reportedly overheated during the incident resulting in him loosing control before crashing into a nearby wooded area. No injuries were reported.

The FAA said in a brief statement that Gordon was operating a broomstick without a license. An investigation is believed to be underway. Speaking to KNN, the local coven of witches condemned Gordon's new broomstick as "wizardry" and added that Gordon couldn't incant a hex to save his posterior. They threatened to take Gordon out in an aerial dogfight if his broomstick was not immediately grounded.

A subsequent search of Gordon's Alpharetta stronghold revealed the Stratosweeper disguised as a mop and hidden in a broom closet.

KNN will continue to monitor this developing story until the dust settles.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 8 - The Nuclear Chef

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- News breaking from Pyongyang early this morning has confirmed rumors of a sinister North Korean restaurant franchise: Kim's.

It is learned that nuclear proliferator Ebenezer Gordon has obtained exclusive rights to the franchise and plans to offer a delivery service to all continents other than South America. It is reliably understood that Gordon intends to leverage North Korean missile technology for this purpose.

Widely suspected to be involved in Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il's nuclear weapons program, Gordon has extensive experience in pyrotechnics ranging from polarity-reversed capacitors and missile technology to exploding carburettors. However, this appears to be Gordon's first foray into the restaurant business.

In an interview with Kahuna, Gordon outlined his plans and key challenges:

Kahuna : How is your franchise, Kim's?
Gordon : We're short of some key ingredients.
Kahuna : Enriched tofu?
Gordon : Indeed, and wonton wrappers.
Kahuna : What about the plutonium?
Gordon : That's in stock.
Kahuna : Not in one lot I hope X-(
Gordon : Stacked on top of each other :-P
Kahuna : You're making a critical error X-(
Gordon : Of course, the whole operation could go
         sky high.
Kahuna : This could lead to deadly fallout X-(
Gordon : At least we'll have enough mushroom for
         an entire region.
Kahuna : Your strategy is quite cloudy.
Gordon : On the contrary, we believe in atomic
         transactions.
Kahuna : This could get quite radioactive.

Analysts were quick to point out questionable safety practices and recommended that Gordon be subject to inspection by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) before a "regrettable incident" occurs.

Gordon scoffed at his critics and announced plans to build a nuclear-powered automobile, taking over where Ford left off with their Ford Nucleon concept car of the 1950's.

KNN will continue to fabricate this developing story.

Stonehenge in Silhouette

Stonehenge in Silhouette (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

SALISBURY, United Kingdom -- The mysterious Neolithic monument Stonehenge rears against a brilliant, but cloudy September sky.

Captured in sepia on 14^th September 2005 with a Sony DSC-V1 on shutter priority (1/1000^th of a second) and a resulting aperture of f/7.1. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 28

The anaconda will now be fed. Repeatedly.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing a midnight snack.

By the Bezier Curve of Evil!

- Kahuna, resorting to complex geometry in an attempt to implicate Gordon in North Korea's nuclear test.

Must be busy cleaning up the fallout.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Gordon's non-availability on Yahoo Messenger.

Did you note that Kim's missiles reach the entire planet other than South America?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on Kim Jong-il's ICBM technology.

This would be very beneficial to the Korean takeaway industry.

- Gordon to Kahuna, proposing a controversial application of long-range missile technology.

I heard Gordon is contemplating another test.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing concerns about Gordon's nefarious activities in North Korea.

Tehran to Ebenezer, come in Ebenezer.

- Kahuna to Gordon, predicting the inevitable overtures from Iran.

@#%%@#^@#%

- Gordon, on Kahuna's Iranian speculation.

Apparently Japan can be nuclear-capable in a long weekend.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, attempting to raise regional tensions.

We might have issues getting people together.

- Darth Teddy, vetoing Kahuna's proposal to tour Iran's nuclear facilities, sighting difficulty in herding cats.

Very well if it must. You will, however, make it advantageous to me.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told his antics must be blogged.

Smooch is not equal to hump.

- Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I will put it on leash if required.

- Kahuna, addressing Gordon's concerns about Darth Teddy becoming a handful during an excursion to the hills.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! PANIC() PANIC() PANIC()

- Gordon, learning that Timmy the Ambidextrous had joined the Empire.

I could send a Korean subwoofer by ICBM if you like.

- Gordon, offering to surround Kahuna with an explosive Dolby Digital 6.1 experience.

Very soon your closet will be searchable by Google.

- Kahuna, issuing an ominous warning to Gordon.

I can also provide six pints of premium ice cream within seven minutes drive from your location; this will kill you.

- Kahuna to Gordon, plotting a deadly course to the nearest Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

I have a stock of these in the freezer.

- The Monster to Kahuna, admitting to stockpiling weapons of mass gluttony by Ben & Jerry.

You're resorting to the SriLankan Scarelines booking algorithm.

- Kahuna, learning of Darth Teddy's plans to offload passengers during an excursion to the hills.

Ah, I see you've arrived by the Liberator.

- Kahuna, acknowledging Darth's Ching's profile image on Yahoo Messenger.

Oooh! Someone old enough to recognize it!

- Darth Ching, noting Kahuna's recognition of the Liberator from the 1970's BBC TV series, Blake's 7.

Good lord, will this be rated R-18?

- Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy would be writing a manual.

I recommend hiring goons to rough it up.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon to deal with the Monster after a botched intercontinental fund transfer.

I was going about my business ordering medicines when the incident occurred.

- Kahuna to Gordon, defending Himself on being mistaken for physician.

There's a sulfurous stench in the air.

- Kahuna to Gordon, reporting a lightning strike on His lead-acid accumulators.

This is proof that you're in league with the devil.

- Gordon, implicating Kahuna by way of fire and brimstone precedent set by Hugo Chavez.

Why are you still in existence?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna's continued presence.

Someone has to look after the universe.

- Kahuna, in His own defense.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

- Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

You are destined to become a gaseous cloud and rotate around Saturn.

- Vandoofus, predicting a nebulous future for Kahuna.

I believe that means "den of thieves" according to Kahuna's 21^st Century Dictionary.

- Kahuna, on Horagolla.

He could shut down his fleet of aircraft for starters.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on Sir Richard Branson committing three billion dollars to combat global warming.

And you'll supply him with blimps?

- Kahuna, speculating on Gordon's alternative solution to Branson's turbojet aircraft.

These clowns do not seem to have blimps. Where did you get yours?

- Kahuna, seeking the supplier of Gordon's blimp, Fat One after learning that Mazda did not sell airships.

At Wal-Mart.

- Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his blimp supplier.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 1 - The Mobile and the Leashed

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- We now bring you further evidence of Darth Teddy's unholy intent to restrain the activities of Kahuna:

Darth Teddy : You didn't pick up yesterday.
Kahuna      : I wasn't in the same location as the 
              phone.
Darth Teddy : Gah! This is not an acceptable answer; 
              it’s called a mobile phone for a reason.
Kahuna      : It may be called a mobile phone; however, 
              it does not move under its own steam and 
              follow you around. That functionality is 
              provided by dogs.
Darth Teddy : I should get you and it a leash *FUME*
Kahuna      : I always suspected you wanted to tie me 
              up X-(
Darth Teddy : Now, now, you are going on a completely 
              different trip here.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you brought bondage into the 
              proceedings.
Darth Teddy : Between you and your phone! Nothing to do 
              with me; I am just supplying the leash.
Kahuna      : Bah, that's how it all starts: by 
              supplying the leash. Next it'll be the 
              collar and god knows what else X-(
Darth Teddy : Nonsense! These are all your initiations.
              I am the innocent party here.
Kahuna      : I never intended to tie you up BTBOTP. 
              You're hardly innocent. You're an 
              anaconda in bear's clothing X-(
Darth Teddy : Nonsense, I have multiple personalities.
Kahuna      : All attached to the same anaconda X-(
Darth Teddy : Indeed, the complete package.
Kahuna      : I rest my case.

The bears and anacondas used in this production were supplied by Darth Teddy.

The Pondering Elephant

The Pondering Elephant (Copyright (cc) 2006 B Kahuna)

UDAWALAWE NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lankan elephant (Elephas maximus maximus) ponders an incursion by photographers while having a light snack in the Udawalawe National Park.

Captured on August 14^th 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.6) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/1250^th of a second at ISO 400. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 7 - The Unfinished Symphony

MEMPHIS, Tennessee -- A short while ago, Kahuna and Professor Gordon unleashed their magnum opus, the Unfinished Symphony, upon a completely unsuspecting planet. This latest masterpiece, composed during a single marathon session, trespasses upon hitherto uncharted, but nevertheless sublime heights of buffoonery.

The Board of Buffoons has rated the following material as DB (Disturbing Buffoonery). Readers are advised to proceed with caution:

Kahuna : You’re delaying my sleep by Bob Marley X-(
Gordon : :-P
Gordon : Are You Lonesome Tonight by Elvis? X-(
Kahuna : Four Walls should keep you contained by Jim
         Reeves.
Gordon : You should be singing the Jailhouse Rock, 
         again by Elvis.
Kahuna : I will do it My Way by Frank Sinatra X-(
Gordon : Why? by Annie Lennox.
[Considerable pause]
Gordon : Ah, The Sound Of Silence by Simon and 
         Garfunkel X-(
Kahuna : Some Distant Drums will sort you out 
         by Jim Reeves.
Gordon : A night with Mrs Robinson may relieve your 
         frustrations by Simon and Garfunkel.
Gordon : You might even get Great Balls Of Fire by 
         Jerry Lee Lewis :-P
Kahuna : And an Uptown Girl may well relieve yours by 
         Billy Joel X-(
Kahuna : Not to mention The Lady In Red by Chris de 
         Burgh.
Gordon : You'll need a Black Magic Woman by Carlos 
         Santana to get that thing up =))
Gordon : GUFFAW
Kahuna : And yours may need to be Together in Electric
         Dreams for assistance by the Human League :-P
Gordon : Beats Living with a Hernia by Weird Al 
         Yankovich X-(
Kahuna : St Elmo's Fire will put an end to your whining 
         by John Parr X-(
Gordon : You propose to continue this All Night Long by 
         Lionel Richie?
Kahuna : Indeed, I Won't Forget You by Jim Reeves X-(
Gordon : Just Beat It! by Michael Jackson X-(
Kahuna : You'll end up dead on the Banks Of The Ohio if
         you're not careful by Olivia Newton-John X-(
Gordon : And you in the depths of the Blue Bayou by 
         Linda Ronstadt.
Kahuna : You're So Vain by Carly Simon X-(
Gordon : Bah, We've Only Just Begun by the Carpenters.
Gordon : When I'm done with you you'll be singing My 
         Sweet Lord by so many clowns that I've lost 
         count.
Kahuna : My Friend The Wind will blow from the east and 
         settle your hash by Demis Roussos.
Kahuna : You'll be Under The Sea by Disney's Little 
         Mermaid X-(
Gordon : Have you quite finished your symphony by 
         Schubert? X-(
Kahuna : Wild Child by Enya X-(
Gordon : Ah Shaddapayaface by Joe Dolce X-(
Kahuna : Am I Loosing You by Jim Reeves? X-(
Gordon : Just have Faith by George Michael X-(
Kahuna : Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Judy Garland? 
         X-(
Gordon : No, down the Country Roads by John Denver
Kahuna : This is becoming a Neverending Story by 
         Limahl X-(
Gordon : Baby Don't Cry by 2Pac :-P
Gordon : Don't Dream it’s over by Sixpence None the
         Richer.
Kahuna : You're lamenting about what Could've Been by 
         Mandy Moore X-(
Gordon : On the contrary, I was doing fine All By 
         Myself by Celine Dion.
Kahuna : You're getting Swept Away by Yanni X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, merely Sailing by Roderick Stewart.
Kahuna : More like Drowning by the Backstreet Boys.
Gordon : Every Little Thing You Do is annoying by 
         Westlife X-(
Gordon : This could go on Until The End Of Time by 
         Westlife X-(
Kahuna : I can Send In The Clowns to break it up by 
         Barbara Streisand X-(
Gordon : Quite the Unchained Melody by the Righteous 
         Brothers.
Gordon : Are we in The Final Countdown by Europe? X-(
Kahuna : You’re Lost In A Dream by Demis Roussos.
Gordon : You’d better watch it: I Shot The Sheriff 
         (by Eric Clapton) and I wouldn’t hesitate to 
         do you in.
Kahuna : Help Me Rhonda by the Beach Boys X-(
Gordon : Are you Falling by Alicia Keys?
Kahuna : I'm Flying by Chris de Burgh :-P
Gordon : You're probably just High by the Lighthouse 
         Family X-(
Kahuna : No doubt you're Waiting For A Star To Fall 
         by Boy Meets Girl X-(
Gordon : When I'm done with you you'll be seeing Stars
         by Simply Red.
Kahuna : I suspected you were trying to Paint The Sky
         with Stars by Enya X-(
Gordon : And this conflicts with your plans of 
         Moonlighting by Leo Sayer, I suppose?
Kahuna : Your Seasons In The Sun are over by Terry 
         Jacks X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, the Four Seasons are clearly still 
         in session, and we're currently at Autumn by
         Antonio Vivaldi.
Kahuna : I will arrange for the Snows Of New York to 
         be diverted over your seat by Chris de Burgh.
Gordon : Oh and I suppose you'll arrange Purple Rain 
         as well by the idiot formerly known as 
         Prince? X-(
Kahuna : No, but November Rain is just around the 
         corner by Guns N' Roses.
Gordon : You're gonna get thumped Come Rain or Come
         Shine by Billie Holiday.
Kahuna : I'm Stayin Alive by the Bee Gees X-(
Gordon : Given your inclinations, I bet you wish it 
         was Raining Men by Geri Halliwel :-P
Kahuna : Nonsense, I have a Picture Of You by 
         Boyzone =))
Gordon : =)) Your Time Has Come by Audioslave, The 
         End Is Near by Embrace X-(
Kahuna : The Anticipation is killing me by Carly 
         Simon X-(
Gordon : Would you rather someone was Killing Me 
         Softly by the Fugees? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed it will be a Celebration by Era
Gordon : You should be Frozen by Madonna X-(
Kahuna : I will Light The Fire Within by LeAnne 
         Rimes :-P
Gordon : Someone will eventually Put Out The Fire 
         by Queen :-P
Gordon : Everyone will know you're Guilty by the Bee
         Gees X-(
Gordon : Just Give It Up idiot by KC and the 
         Sunshine Band :-P
Kahuna : Not Until The Next Time by Jim Reeves :-P
Gordon : This is going towards the Edge of Forever 
         by Richard Marx.
Kahuna : I will get rid of you No Matter What by 
         Boyzone.
Gordon : I Don't Want You Back either, by the 
         Backstreet Boys.
Gordon : You'll be Crawling when I'm done with you 
         by Linkin Park :-P
Kahuna : And you'll be one with the Orinoco Flow 
         when I'm through by Enya X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, you're just a Nowhere Man by the 
         Beatles; who would listen to you? :-P
Gordon : You can't even Drive, by the Cars :-P
[Considerable pause]
Kahuna : You'll end up selling VCRs in Little Rock
         if you continue this line of thought by 
         Collin Raye X-(
Gordon : What Took You So Long by Emma Bunton? :-P
Kahuna : I was trying to Make The World Go Away by
         Jim Reeves X-(
Gordon : You should just Fly Away by the Black Eyed 
         Peas X-(
Kahuna : It's Too Late Now by Carol King.
Kahuna : BTBOTP it’s 3:00am X-(
Gordon : Heh heh :-P
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : I warned you this could go on forever :-P
Gordon : It's 5:30pm here :-P
Kahuna : A nuisance call can be arranged at 2:00am 
         your time.
Gordon : We're Worlds Apart by Bruce Springsteen :-P
Gordon : We've Only Just Begun by the Carpenters :-P
Kahuna : It's Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli 
         (featuring Sarah Brightman).
Gordon : Con Te Partiro?
Kahuna : Con Te Partiro.
Gordon : Would you like to move to Philadelphia by 
         Bruce Springsteen? :-P
Kahuna : I'd prefer Massachusetts by the Bee Gees.
Kahuna : I will arrange a Sogno if you're not careful
         by Andrea Bocelli X-(
Gordon : So it's Goodnight, Irene by Van Morrison?
Gordon : Keep this up another hour or two and you'll 
         find Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens :-P
Kahuna : You're trying to steal The Last Moments Of 
         The Dawn by Chris de Burgh X-(
Gordon : Don't Go Away by Oasis.
Kahuna : You and your Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray 
         Cyrus X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, My Heart Will Go On irrespective 
         of your presence by Celine Dion X-(
Kahuna : You're Breaking My Heart by MLTR X-(
Gordon : You'll be singing I'm So Sleepy at work 
         tomorrow by Cat Stevens :-P
Gordon : Go 2 Sleep by Ludacris :-P
Gordon : The lyrics go: GO TO SLEEP, hoe to sleep, 
         GO TO SLEEP, hoe to sleep, IF YOU'RE TIRED
         BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, hoe to sleep
Kahuna : Nonsense, You Needed Me by Boyzone :-P
Gordon : Nonsense, I never needed you, You Ain't 
         Nothing But A Hounddog by the Rolling 
         Stones :-P
Kahuna : I hope you like Life In A Northern Town when
         I send a transcript of this to your wife by
         The Dream Academy.
Gordon : Leave her alone, She's Taken by Billy Dean 
         X-(
Kahuna : All I Have To Do Is Dream by the Everly 
         Brothers :-P
Gordon : Will You Send Me the Pillow That You Dream 
         On as evidence by Dean Martin and numerous 
         other clowns? X-(
Kahuna : You'll Never Know by Jim Reeves
Gordon : Yeah right, Just Wait And You'll See by 
         Madonna X-(
Kahuna : Adios Amigo by Jim Reeves :-P
Gordon : Hasta Mañana till we meet again by Abba.
Kahuna : By The Rivers Of Babylon by Boney M? X-(
Gordon : I thought you preferred the Banks of the 
         Ohio by ON-J X-(
Kahuna : Let The River Run by Carly Simon X-(
Gordon : Get Lost! by Eric Clapton X-(
Kahuna : Tonight My Sleep Will Be Restless by 
         Alasdair Fraser & Paul Machlis X-(
Kahuna : It is now 3:20am, you have stolen another
         20 minutes BTBOTP.
Kahuna : I will now enter a sleep state X-(
Gordon : It's All Your Fault by Wild Orchid X-(
Gordon : This will go down in the record books 
         BTBOTP X-(
Kahuna : Indeed X-(
Kahuna : I should blog this X-(
Kahuna : This only proves that we are massive 
         clowns X-(
Gordon : I suspected this X-(
Kahuna : Would you rather I sent your wife a 
         copy? X-(
Gordon : Er no X-(
Kahuna : On that note I will abscond X-(
Gordon : Very well.
Gordon : Goodnight O Clown.
Kahuna : Goodnight X-(
Gordon : Till We Meet Again by Kirk Franklin :-P
Kahuna : Don't get Swept Away by Yanni :-P
Kahuna : Goodnight X-(
Gordon : Beat It! by Michael Jackson X-(
Kahuna : Yes, I believe there was testimony to 
         that effect X-(
Gordon : Now, now...
Gordon : Go!
Gordon : TTYL
Kahuna : Thump(); abscond()

Much sleep was lost during the course of this production.

The Setting of Liberty

Sunset Liberty (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

BATTERY PARK CITY, New York - The Statue of Liberty seen through the water jets of a fountain at Battery Park in Manhattan.

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame,
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

by Emma Lazarus (1849-1887)

The sonnet penned by Emma Lazarus in aid of the Bartholdi Pedestal Fund in 1883. Twenty years later, it was engraved in bronze and mounted inside the Statue of Liberty. Source: Wikipedia.

Liberty Enlightening the World

The Face of Liberty (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


The Liberty Tablet (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY ISLAND, New Jersey - The detailed and overwhelming images of the French engineering marvel, The Statue of Liberty and the tablet having the Roman numeral incription of July 4, 1776, the day of America's Independence from Britain.

Hurricane Gordon Forms in Atlantic; Loses Steam Rapidly

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) reported today that Hurricane Gordon, having formed in the Atlantic several days ago, had lost steam and was being downgraded to Category 2. The NOAA advisory added that Gordon was "meandering over the central Atlantic" and had been "drifting erratically over the past several hours."

Renegade climatologist Ebenezer Gordon is widely suspected to be the mastermind behind the storm. Unsurprisingly, the evil genius seems to have lost control of his creation completely, causing it to come to a halt about a thousand kilometers east of Bermuda.

Kahuna spoke to the press a short while ago and said He believed Gordon had bungled the rotational parameters of the storm thanks to a dubious interpretation of the Coriolis effect.

Kahuna added that Gordon's inability to muster sufficient numbers for his car wash scheme across Georgia had also put a damper on his hurricane. No stranger to disturbances in the troposphere, Gordon had previously demonstrated direct correlation between washing his former flagship automobile GITT Mk II, and inclement weather conditions. The water shortage plaguing Georgia has been partly responsible in confounding Gordon’s attempt to leverage this learning for criminal purposes.

Gordon was believed to be somewhere over the Atlantic in his personal blimp Fat One, mounting a last ditch attempt to regain control of his rapidly dissipating hurricane.

KNN will bring you live coverage of this turbulent story.

Captivating!

Head Colours (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

ARLINGTON, Virginia - A colourful souvenir stall at the Pentagon City Mall.

Scampering Squirrel

Scampering Squirrel (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2006)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A squirrel carrying a large piece of coconut husk scampers across the side of a polytunnel greenhouse.

Captured on 10^th September 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and shutter speed of 1/1250^th of a second at ISO 400. The posted image has been post-processed to fix lighting and color. 

Flickr Group

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Greetings, fellow clowns. I've unilaterally decided to create a Flickr group for the Circus, since it is difficult to manage our photographs using Blogger alone. This is probably the best solution available at the moment. Picasa Web Albums are still in invite-only beta. Flickr is now, strangely, in gamma.

The new Flickr badge in the sidebar is dynamically fed by the photographs that are added to the group. To add to the group, you need to be a member of Flickr and be invited to join the group. If you're a member, login to Flickr and check your Flickr mail. If you're not a member, check your regular mail. You should have received an invite. If not, you may holler.

I'll continue to post photographs to the blog using Picasa, but I'll also send a copy to Flickr. The Flickr Uploadr makes this easy. Photographs added to group are publicly accessible, but by default you retain all rights. In my photographs, however, I've applied the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 license.

We're also waiting to switch to the Blogger in Beta, but unfortunately, migration capability is not available for team blogs yet.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 27

Yes! The first insult on Messenger is mine!

- The Ex-Dictator, rejoicing upon calling Kahuna a “dingbat,” online.

You're quite badly equipped for someone claiming to be Kahuna.

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s omnipotence.

Those are my cables it’s happily cutting up.

- Gordon, fuming on being told of the Monster improvising power supply solutions for Kahuna.

Will you be taking liquids to Yala?

- Gordon to Kahuna, in an effort to impose travel restrictions.

I intend to generate gases as well.

- Kahuna, responding to Gordon’s proposed travel restrictions.

Clown Factor appears to be auto-balancing.

- Gordon, learning the Cookie Monster had arrived in the tropics to compensate for the departure of the Monster.

You’re photographing wild pussy now.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s leopard photography.

I've named my pet anaconda.

- Darth Teddy, pleading guilty to dodgy anthropomorphic personification.

Hmm, possibly not, but it might get its belly tickled.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on whether his anaconda would be fed.

You’re posting images of naked animals: this is an invasion of their privacy.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for wildlife photography in the Yala.

You're free to clothe them at your own expense.

- Kahuna, proposing a solution to Gordon’s privacy fears.

Sports mode indeed; those animals are not playing anything.

- Gordon, taking a dark view of Kahuna using sports mode on His EOS 30D for wildlife photography.

You’re mucking about on the Internet without clearing all possible barriers to entering the aircraft.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s online presence at the airport.

Probably due to too much smooching; if not, mounting.

- Kahuna, diagnosing the cause behind Darth Teddy’s cold.

You will note clowns at Sony are causing explosions all over the planet.

- Kahuna, on Sony’s unstable lithium-ion battery technology.

I bet they won't allow Dell laptops on aircraft now.

- Gordon, extrapolating the consequences of Sony’s battery fiasco.

What do the park animals think of the wildlife you traveled with?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on His traveling companions in the Yala.

I blame the leopard for not finishing you lot off.

- Gordon, expressing frustration at the continued existence of Kahuna et al.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Darth Teddy, reacting to Kahuna’s threat of being made to watch Brokeback Mountain beside Timmy the Ambidextrous.

This reminds me of The Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies by Van Klomp.

- Gordon, critiquing Kahuna’s Ox-Eye Daisy.

The senate has ratified your appointment as Creature of Insufficient Light. You didn't have enough brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

- Kahuna, informing Gordon of his latest appointment.

I was mistaken for a medical practitioner.

- Kahuna, admitting to involuntary malpractice.

It seems a performance of the Rite of the Polecat is called for.

- Kahuna, planning to summon an absconding Gordon by means of black magic.

See, if they taught polymorphism like that, you think I would have forgotten?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on a highly explicit tutorial on object-oriented programming.

Bah, I powered you in the middle of the jungle if you recall.

- Gordon to Kahuna, refuting allegations of being outdated.

Did you dress up as Big Bird, given your background in volumetric ornithology?

- Kahuna, quizzing Gordon’s dress code during his offspring’s birthday party.

You'll probably get shot with this thing.

- Gordon, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

You think it can hold a Scud launch module?

- The Monster, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

I believe they're short of a prophet in Colorado.

- Kahuna, noting a vacancy arising from the arrest of Warren Jeffs.

Do they still offer the Escalade and the laptops?

- Gordon, considering the offer and clarifying the perquisites.

Hmm, there was an idiot with a dubious accent that called, but it was daytime here.

- Gordon, recollecting a nuisance call from the Ex-Dictator in what the latter believed to be the wee hours of Eastern Daylight Time.

Your time zone calculations have been bungled.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling a nuisance call.

Obviously, clowns from your company made the calculations.

- Kahuna, in his own defense.

I am currently getting shock absorbers replaced.

- Darth Teddy, reporting on the need for vehicular overhaul after a particularly vigorous Feast of the Anaconda.

GITT Mk III has a gyro.

- Gordon, disclosing inertial navigation capabilities in his flagship automobile.

Your attempt to have GITT Mk III classified as an aircraft—fraudulently—is noted: “my car has a gyro and thus inertial navigation and thus it’s a plane.”

- Kahuna, predicting Gordon’s reasoning to enter the civil aviation industry.

[Her Royal Highness] has left the room; do you want to give me a smooch now?

- Huggles, furtively soliciting favors from Kahuna.

The Tracks

The Tracks (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

NANU-OYA, Sri Lanka -- The overgrown railway tracks recede towards infinity at the Nanu-Oya station while we patiently wait for the Udarata Menike from Badulla.

Captured on 30^th July 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) on aperture priority (f/5.0) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/320^th of a second. 

A Manhattan Night - The Works

Manhattan Skyline Celebrations (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY STATE PARK, New Jersey - 4^th of July celebrations fireworks among the New York City skyline. I'm sure the fireworks are clearly visible now :|...

More Manhattan Fireworks on Request

FireBloom II (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY STATE PARK, New Jersey - 4^th of July celebrations fireworks display on a Hudson river ferry.

Captured at 2104 hours on 4^th July 2006 with a Sony DSC-H1 in landscape mode, 8s shutter, an aperture of f 8.0 and a considerable amount of hand movement :p.

Manhattan Fireworks on Request

FireBloom (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY STATE PARK, New Jersey - 4^th of July celebrations fireworks display on a Hudson river ferry.

A Manhattan Night

Manhattan (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY STATE PARK, New Jersey - 4^th of July celebrations as witnessed by us clowns while awaiting the fireworks display on the New Jersey end of the Hudson river.

Kahuna Reinstates Pluto, Threatens to Boot IAU

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued today, Kahuna unilaterally restored Pluto to full planetary status calling the International Astronomical Union (IAU) a bunch of buffoons in the pay of volumetric ornithologist Ebenezer Gordon.

Kahuna said that if Pluto had not completely cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, then Neptune most certainly had not done so either. He, therefore, argued that Neptune should also have been revoked of planetary status along with the Earth, Mars and Jupiter. Kahuna also argued that while the barycenter of the Pluto system was clearly outside Pluto, it was much closer to Pluto than to its largest moon Charon. Kahuna, therefore, declined to elevate Charon to planetary status.

He added that if the IAU does not get its act together soon, it would find itself booted out of the solar system. Kahuna admitted that his unilateral action may cause property values to rise on Pluto, but vehemently declared that Gordon would not be allowed to profit from his dark deeds.

The interplanetary real estate baron was unavailable for comment.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 26

I will arrange an accident involving a badly tuned French horn.

- Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be attending a Garfunkel concert.

Holding the array at gunpoint might help.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on how to insert a value into an array using JavaScript.

Scampering raccoon, hissing polecat.

- Gordon, attempting to one-up Kahuna.

I will move my bishop to Alpharetta by way of blatant provocation.

- Kahuna, proposing a controversial move.

I suggest you find your queen first.

- Gordon, countering with the marital defence.

This would indicate the operation of wolves; either that or your collies are idling.

- Kahuna, learning that the sheepcount of Darth Teddy’s flock was dynamic.

Isn't that my lamp?

- Darth Teddy, attempting to set the genie bit with other people’s lamps.

I feel like humping something.

- Darth Teddy, providing an unsolicited status report.

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck up, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- The Monster, graphically illustrating America’s fascination with the F-word.

You will censor the F-word BTBOTP.

- Gordon to Kahuna, renouncing the First Amendment.

And at this rate, we'll have to setup a new government department to keep track of your baggage: the Federal Baggage Administration.

- Kahuna, pondering a legislative solution to the Gordon baggage crisis.

I believe my anaconda is being falsely portrayed.

- Darth Teddy, expressing concerns about UQ25.

No, I’m just hot.

- Darth Teddy, denying Kahuna’s accusations of being in heat.

You're going around declaring you're hot as if you expect the rest of us to drop down and fellate you.

- Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy’s modus operandi.

The selected few usually do.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defence.

You’re fishing for slander-worthy statements aren’t you?

- Gordon, accusing Kahuna of entrapment.

Please refrain from posting vulgar content in the blog.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s portrayal of Leucanthemum vulgare.

You mean it's an area not currently serviced by your anaconda?

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, querying the status of London.

I think you need a longer anaconda.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing a long distance service.

No, no, we are very happy with our reptile.

- Darth Teddy, dismissing Kahuna’s long distance proposals.

How would I know? There’s no place to look up clown names.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being taken to task for querying the identity of the Monster.

I have conclusively established that drinking doesn't cure sore throat.

- Vandoofus, reporting failure in his quest for a pharyngitis cure after extensive personal research.

I can safely say bratwurst also does not cure sore throat.

- Vandoofus, continuing to defy established medical evidence and common sense.

I tried a few light beers last night; didn't work either.

- Vandoofus, announcing the end of a short-lived partnership with Anheuser-Busch.

You can see me on Google Earth if I am sunbathing with an erection.

- Vandoofus, raising a contentious point.

Everybody wants me.

- Darth Teddy, establishing his credentials.

Gordon Orchestrates Pluto Grab

MUMBAI, India -- In news breaking from the subcontinent, Kahuna accused crackpot inventor Professor Gordon of being the criminal mastermind behind the Pluto debacle.

Kahuna blamed Gordon’s incessant lobbying and strong-arm tactics prior to the International Astronomical Union meeting yesterday as the direct cause of Pluto being stripped of planetary status. Elaborating further, He added that Gordon’s motive was to drive down property values on Pluto and grab the former planet for his own nefarious use. He added that Gordon was “mopping up the highlands of Pluto” as He spoke.

Reacting shortly afterwards, a livid Gordon dismissed the allegations categorically saying that it was “the most outrageous story I have heard in my entire life.”

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

Posing Peacock

Posing Peacock (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- An Indian peacock (Pavo cristatus) poses for the camera from the undergrowth of the Yala.

Captured on 12^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in sports mode (ISO 400, 1/250^th second shutter and aperture of F/5). Posted image digitally zoomed by 34%. 

Deer Crossing

Deer Crossing (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- Two Sri Lanka spotted deer (axis axis ceylonensis) nervously cross a road in the Yala.

Captured on 13^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in sports mode (ISO 400, 1/800th second shutter and aperture of F/5.6). 

Leopard Crossing

Leopard Crossing (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lanka leopard (panthera pardus kotiya) crosses the road in Yala, seemingly unconcerned with the barrage of Canon lenses aimed at it from our vehicle.

Captured on 12^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in sports mode (ISO 400, 1/800^th second shutter and aperture of F/5). Unfortunately, there was no time to zoom in closer and the subject was shot at 80mm zoom. The image posted is a crop of the original at about 100% digital zoom.

First Light

First Light (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- Fiery rays of light leap into the dark sky a few moments after sunrise at Yala.

Captured at 0602 hours on 14^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) in landscape mode, 1/100^th second shutter and an aperture of f/6.3.

Feeding Patterns of the Anaconda

COLOMBO, Somewhere in the UN -- Kahuna's recent obsession of large reptiles have aroused a direct interest from parties associated to these same amphibians in such a way that it was only thought fit to contribute to the obsession with some factual information. Augustus the anaconda has been under the spotlight of late in regard to his feeding patterns up to a point that Kahuna (Big) is rumoured to demand a weekly status update of its prey intake. Also, for the record the spotlight that Augustus has been under has a direct undeniable link to Kahuna (Big), hands wavering with age as the case might be. We feel for the clown, no we don't feel the clown, we feel FOR the clown.

Moving on to more enticing topics we travel back a few weeks to a fairly formal gathering in a area resembling a forest to bid adieu to a fairly significant member of a very bureaucratic pack of carnivorous wildlife. Considering the nature of Augustus's network of influential connections it was in little doubt that he too was a distinguished invitee. It might be worthwhile to note that Augustus due to a self enforced drought the previous month or so was definitely on the prowl. This can be confirmed by Kahuna (Big)'s well thought out interpretation of "Prowling Bear, Hidden Anaconda". For more information on this little sizzler please contact Kahuna on www.thatanacondaitellyou.co.uk. So, to continue, upon mingling with the distinguished guests and dodging an array of mud slinging towards Augustus brought on by his non-monochrome reputation Augustus was suddenly introduced to a little venison, lets call her Bambi. Augustus was his usual observant self, slowly sizing up this creature, assessing if it was prey material and when in fact this fact could be established. We mustn’t forget that Augustus was on the prowl therefore the default status would naturally be, "to prey or not to prey, this is always the question".

Augustus was then detained due to unforeseen animals requiring much sought after attention from the friendly reptile. However as fate may have it Bambi had an overeager companion that was adamant that Bambi get worked ... I mean get some work. Of course, ever helpful as he is Augustus offered to try and get Bambi worked, an invitation that was accepted with open arms by the overeager companion, lets call her Flaky. Therefore Flaky was bubbly, Bambi was happy and Augustus was in shock.

Augustus then left the gathering due to its increasing levels of boredom and went on the prowl again tasting immediate success in undisclosed locations. Upon calling it a night the ravishing reptile was peacefully heading home when lo and behold he receives a holler from Bambi, a prospect he thought had disappeared along with the night. Sensors back to full throttle Augustus worked his magic and according to popular belief and naturally accepted conclusions Bambi got snagged a couple of hours later.

3 weeks later ...

The feisty little venison that was looking for work definitely had a her wish come true in terms of ... indeed she did get worked ... and I believe this is an ongoing saga that both Bambi and Augustus are quite happy with ... For details on the level of commitment in regards to work the fact is that ... I apologise ... I was just informed that I cannot go into detail on the commitment as there might be a litter of lion cubs that use this space for educational purposes.

This was a small excerpt on the feeding patterns of Augustus which in time has known to turn into a feeding frenzy ... For further information please refer to the website mentioned above or inquire from Kahuna in person. We thank you for tuning in and until next time ... *burp* ...

Ox-Eye Daisy

Ox-Eye Daisy (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

NUWARA ELIYA, Sri Lanka -- A suspected member of the Asteraceae family, possibly an ox-eye daisy (Leucanthemum vulgare) in bloom in the garden of Summerhill.

Captured on 30^th July 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) in macro mode, 1/500^th of a second shutter and an aperture of f/5.6.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 25

So do you take notes when people talk?

- Vandoofus, demanding to know Kahuna’s modus operandi in publishing Unquotable Quotes.

I have returned, along with my baggage for a change.

- Gordon, arriving in Atlanta with his backup baggage.

I called a highly complex automated inquiry system which kept me occupied for about ten minutes and then told me they didn’t know where my bags were; fully automated of course.

- Gordon, declaring the loss of his primary baggage for a second time.

Next time I fly, I will insist I go in the baggage hold with my bags. It's probably more comfortable that way too.

- Gordon, proposing to keep tabs on his baggage personally.

What the fuck do you need extra magnesium for? Do you want to fart flares?

- Gordon, exploding on hearing Kahuna’s plan to boost His magnesium intake.

Next time I fly, I am sending my bags via FedEx.

- Gordon, realising the only way to get his baggage to destination without a roundtrip through Addis Ababa.

Maybe you should ask Delta to setup the Bungled Baggage Fund and make an initial contribution.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon on the disposal of his backup underwear.

The ‘delta’ seems to be between the baggage you own and the baggage you have in hand.

- Gordon, concluding the hideous truth about Delta Airlines.

However, Darth Ching is officially hen pecked. He is afraid of his wife.

- Darth Teddy, implicating Darth Ching in a petticoat government.

Only cause he was drooling.

- Vandoofus, defending his attempts to fix Darth Teddy a date.

The story is you asked for custom plates 'KAHUNA' and got 'HUKANA'.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, unveiling his hypothesis.

You asked for it with that posting. That was outright provocation.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the blasphemous Vandoofus Hypothesis.

No thanks; I've already been contacted by about five Nigerians and two South Africans.

- Gordon, declining Kahuna’s offer of 0% ROI.

Common sense is not a common attribute is it?

- Darth Teddy, experiencing an uncommonly short supply.

You will sacrifice it at a makeshift alter constructed from wastepaper baskets.

- Kahuna, instructing Darth Teddy in the black art of project manager management.

You mean it’s a multiple-mutt environment?

- Kahuna, accusing Darth Teddy of practicing polymuttism with his sheep.

This guy has the attention span of a fruit fly.

- Darth Teddy, in sheep trouble.

I think I need a whip.

- Darth Teddy, proposing to get kinky with his sheep.

Revealed? Like one Pamela you mean?

- Gordon, attempting to establish a new unit of measure for exposure.

Special effects included whooshing noises every time that idiot turns its head. I am now emulating these special effects in everyday life causing annoyance.

- Gordon, on his practice of the Ramanayaka Effect after viewing One Shot.

Whoosh()

- Gordon, demonstrating the Ramanayaka Effect.

I’ll have you scattered.

- Kahuna, threatening to deal with Gordon using the Raman Effect.

Like that helps me to have sex with her.

- Vandoofus, discovering his intended lay was a family friend.

You're liable to be blown away in a moderate crosswind.

- Kahuna, learning of the Regulator’s intent to go snowboarding.

This time I won’t call. You'll just find me on your doorstep.

- The Regulator, threatening Kahuna with door-to-door service.

I just confirmed my suspicions: I cannot play badminton.

- Darth Teddy, arriving at an empirical conclusion.

I didn't want to say anything before, but I think you should stick to humping.

- Kahuna, advising Darth Teddy to drop badminton.

Nonsense, I now have lips and tongues at my service.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to take matters into his own hands.

The Way of the Anaconda

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news breaking from the tropics, it has been established beyond reasonable doubt that Darth Teddy is on the prowl:

Kahuna      : Good morning. Whip()
Darth Teddy : Why hello.
Kahuna      : *Gasp* You have awoken before the sun
              reaches zenith!
Darth Teddy : Yeah that.
Kahuna      : Would you like a dictionary?
Darth Teddy : I got my own thanks.  Always handy when
              you are in the vicinity.
Kahuna      : As are chastity belts when you are in
              the vicinity :-P
Darth Teddy : Obviously this is not the case
              considering my conquests.
Kahuna      : There are always those who don't listen
              to good advice.
Darth Teddy : This covers 99% of the population.
Kahuna      : Are you saying you did 99% of the
              population? X-(
Darth Teddy : Er no.  I am saying that many don't heed
              good advice.  In any form.
Kahuna      : A mongoose should sort you out.
Darth Teddy : Nonsense.  This is an anaconda not a
              cobra.  I will have the mongoose and
              his family for dessert.
Kahuna      : Might as well since your anaconda has
              not been fed for a while.
Darth Teddy : *FUME*
Kahuna      : *Grin* Bangkok?
Darth Teddy : Shouldn't we all :-L
Kahuna      : LOL. In your case, for the safety of
              others :-P
Darth Teddy : A fairly valid reason.
Kahuna      : Indeed. You're quite a handful even
              when you're not horny X-(
Darth Teddy : I try.
Kahuna      : I know X-(

Darth Teddy provided the anaconda used in this production.