Unquotable Quotes - Part 23

I am currently de-toxing.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of intense liver function following a night of debauchery.

I have been abducted. I shall return as soon as possible.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, issuing an optimistic outlook.

The aliens have done well.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s abduction.

Bah! It was disturbing and the sibling is yum.

- Darth Teddy, making alarming references to Brokeback Mountain and HRH’s edible sibling in the same statement.

You're the one stockpiling whips and gags and I'm the pervert?

- Gordon to Kahuna, taking umbrage at being accused of depravity.

I'm finding it hard to swallow.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, declaring a state of tonsillitis.

And don't make any wisecracks.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, realizing too late the high potential for misuse in His previous statement.

He must have stepped behind some general and gone “buwahahah.”

- Gordon, learning of George W’s surprise visit to Iraq and proposing his modus operandi.

Nonsense, he couldn't handle the responsibilities that come with mine.

- Darth Teddy, on the heavy responsibilities of managing his assets.

However, your current responsibilities are limited to walking the dog.

- Kahuna, dismissing Darth Teddy’s purported responsibilities.

He knew some bogus sports stuff and helped us to become one before the last.

- Vandoofus, summing up Darth Teddy’s contribution at a quiz.

But my left paw is still functional.

- Vandoofus, issuing a statement on his shoulder injury before realizing he was not ambidextrous.

The source of this bogosity is 45 minutes from here. Perhaps I should drive up with a few rotten eggs.

- Gordon, proposing to visit Atlanta and lob a personal objection to a news headline by CNN.

I was merely giving him displacement from NJ to NY.

- The Monster, pleading guilty to providing displacement measurements to Gordon.

I will submerge you in the Black Sea and measure the displacement if you're not careful.

- Kahuna to the Monster, proposing an alternative means of measuring displacement.

You were misbehaving on a grand scale tonight.

- Kahuna taking Darth Teddy to task for operating in promiscuous mode during a Japanese meal.

Sequel Pasha is absconding. He may have executed an incorrect DDL statement and made himself vanish.

- Kahuna to the Monster, on the extended disappearance of Gordon.

We had a chat and decided that we would both get drunk and nuke you.

- Darth Teddy, informing Kahuna of his strategic alliance with Ching the Merciless.

Hang on; we are discussing your demise.

- Darth Teddy, putting Kahuna on hold to discuss strategy with Ching the Merciless.

You don’t even have that much sex.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s numerous daily conference calls.

The State of Georgia issues only one plate, for the rear. You can take this up with Sonny Perdue if you have issues.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the lack of a front registration plate on GITT Mk III.

How can you release 22 billion gallons by mistake?

- Kahuna to Gordon, questioning the release of water from Lake Lanier in Georgia as reported by CNN.

Your mere presence is causing a drought.

- Kahuna, holding Gordon accountable for the impending drought in Georgia.

I have great respect for one S Hussein who had the guts to shoot most members of parliament.

- Kahuna, expressing extreme annoyance about goings on in the Temple of the Monkey.

I'm sure the price of buffaloes must be on the increase.

- Gordon, speculating on the effect of rising oil prices.

This can be rectified. All I need are a few diodes.

- Kahuna, seizing an opportunity to dabble in semiconductors.

I will feed you to the crocodiles if you don’t watch it.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that the new Picasa Web Albums offer an RSS feed.

With your dietary advice, these crocodiles will end up diabetic.

- Kahuna, taking a dubious view of Gordon’s crocodile feed.

At least you can't get driving directions yet.

- Gordon, on Google Mars.

A couple of F-16s flew over the supermarket today.

- Gordon, reporting a secure shopping experience.

I used Navtech devices on Mk III earlier today to locate a fish n chips joint.

- Gordon, reporting the use of satellite navigation for nefarious purposes.

It's even voice activated. You say "I'm hungry" and it shows you all the restaurants in the vicinity. Say "go home" and it points you back to base.

- Gordon, explaining the operation of his satellite navigation system.

Good grief! Those are B-52's alright.

- Gordon, confirming Kahuna’s identification of a parked fleet of bombers on Diego Garcia.

Probably? I just counted 8 B-52s.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that Diego Garcia was probably well protected.

Panic() panic() panic().

- Gordon, discovering Sony’s foray into digital SLR cameras with the highly disturbing Alpha DSLR-A100.

Nonsense, you were counting B-52s parked in Diego Garcia.

- Kahuna, refuting Gordon’s claims he was too busy to blog.

You provided coordinates.

- Gordon, in his own defense.

Welcome to Google Mars

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- A careless remark by Kahuna about the inevitability of Google Mars as reported in UQ21 has come back to haunt Him. It seems that massive clowns at Google have been up to no good.

A visit to Google Labs this morning revealed the sordid existence of Google Mars in collaboration with NASA and the University of Arizona. The capability to view this in the Google Earth viewer is also in the pipeline ("Not yet, but we're working on it.")

While on the subject of Google Earth, the new Release 4 Beta has disturbing integration with the new Picasa Beta (not publicly available) that unleashes much anticipated web album support. It is now possible to geotag Picasa images using Google Earth. Double-clicking the longitude or latitude in Picasa then fires up Google Maps to provide information on how to get there. Of course, the geoencoding process also generates the necessary KML to update My Places in Goole Earth, along with a copy of the Picasa image.

Commercial air traffic can also be tracked in realtime on Google Earth in collaboration with fboweb.com. Click here to track inbound and outbound flights at major US airports. The altitude and airspeed of each aircraft is displayed in Google Earth. This is highly disturbing functionality. Proceed with caution.

Microsoft evangelist Professor Gordon was not available for comment.

Untimely Accusations Mar Unveiling of GITT Mk III

The Controversial GITT Mk III (Copyright © 2006 E Gordon)

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In news breaking from Georgia, crackpot inventor Professor Gordon has unveiled his new flagship automobile, predictably named the Gordon Industries Thirty Thousand (GITT Mk III).

The new vehicle will be replacing the Mk II, left behind in Asia during Gordon’s transit to the contiguous United States. At first glance, GITT Mk III resembles a run-of-the-mill Mazda6, replete with alloy wheels, Bose speakers and satellite navigation gear. This seemingly innocuous appearance, nonetheless, is rumored to be a sophisticated illusion created using a chameleon circuit acquired through dubious channels.

The true form of Gordon’s vehicle remains unknown, with some experts suspecting that it is indeed a disguised Caterpillar backhoe. While no definitive evidence has been established, GITT Mk III has on occasion been heard to make backhoe-like noises leading to speculation that its chameleon circuit may not be entirely stable. Gordon sought to play down these accusations saying that his muffler had merely sprung a leak.

Speaking to the media later today, Kahuna fueled further controversy by agreeing that GITT Mk III was clearly not what it seemed to be. However, He disagreed that the vehicle was a backhoe fitted with a chameleon circuit, suggesting instead that Gordon had stolen an entire TARDIS and not merely a chameleon circuit. The backhoe-like wheezing and groaning noises, He said was entirely consistent with a defective time-travel mechanism and could be temporarily corrected by percussive maintenance—a carefully calibrated thump to the main console.

Kahuna proceeded to accuse Gordon of unauthorized time-travel with the sole purpose of subverting the course of history adding that archeological evidence recently unearthed in Egypt show a remarkable resemblance between Gordon and the heretic pharaoh Amenhotep IV, later known as Akhenaten.

A livid Gordon shot back, denying accusations of heresy and pointing out that Kahuna’s recent visit to Egypt for the declared purpose of installing a known elephant in Cairo now had sinister connotations including, but not limited to falsifying the archeological record.

KNN will continue to provide fabrications of this developing story. 

Embrace of the Doofus – The Shocking Inside Story

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Local CF has taken a turn for the worse with the American having installed himself in this time zone. However, in response to recent slanderous blogging by Darth Teddy, it has become necessary to put the record um... straight.

St Vandoofus was indeed pursued and hugged^[1] by Darth Teddy at the Coffee Stop, much to the astonishment of non-clowns present at the time. While it was clearly a case of hug at first sight on the part of Darth Teddy, it was not immediately apparent if the American was a willing participant in the proceedings. However, he did seem less inclined to bolt as the evening progressed with intermittent hugs initiated by the allegedly cuddly one.

It is pertinent to note that Vandoofus was similarly hugged without provocation by a number of clowns including, but not limited to Huggles, Kahuna and the Monster during a rendezvous at the Coffee Stop last year. The holy one evidently did not escape that tryst unscarred, although he did express a wish to be hugged more frequently by Her Royal Highness.

For the meantime, damning developments have been uncovered by KNN. It has transpired that Darth Teddy was in a highly disturbed state at the time of accosting Vandoofus. Sources close to the situation divulged that Darth Teddy had watched Lasse Hallström’s Casanova and Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain (in that order) a few days prior to the incident. It is understood that the Bear was greatly taken up with the antics of Giacomo Casanova before being brought down firmly to earth by those of Ennis Del Mar. The cuddly one was heard making “highly disturbing” and “I’m officially disturbed” comments with reference to the cowboy flick, while also throwing in “shocking” for good measure. Heath Ledger playing the part of both protagonists has apparently done little to help matters as have the seven Oscar nominations. The award by MTV for the best on-screen smooch appears to have been the last straw.

Her Royal Highness would indeed be distressed to note that Darth Teddy has declared her sibling (yum) the Reference Edividual against this sordid backdrop. Nevertheless, it remains to be seen if Professor Gordon—the founder and proponent of the edividual calculus—would veto this choice. Experts were of the view that Gordon would weigh matters carefully before announcing his decision.

In light of recent developments, Darth Teddy’s fascination with multiple male orgasms is also most fascinating. Kahuna declined to elaborate on the topic adding that the Bear should be cautioned in the words of Casanova's Bishop Pucci that, “fornication on a massive scale leads to confusion.”

And on that illuminating note, we conclude this intentionally defamatory posting.

^[1] Zeno's Paradox of Motion (the one implicating Achilles and the tortoise) appears to have been put to the test here. The observations will be tabled at the next meeting of the Board of Buffoons.

The Full Moon

The Full Moon (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Earth's solitary moon seen through the Eyes of EOS on Poson Poya Day.

Captured on 11^th June 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on ISO 400 at shutter priority (1/1000^th of a second) and a resulting aperture of f/5.6. Image cropped to about 80% of full size and sharpened in Picasa. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 22

Unfortunately, I have to leave you gentlemen and go fine our newest operator.

- The Regulator, taking a short interlude to attend to business.

You won’t believe how difficult it is to set something on fire in this country.

- Vandoofus, announcing difficulty in destroying the damning Vandoofus Tapes.

I can't even practice my culinary skills without setting the darn thing off.

- Vandoofus, on the relationship with his fire alarm, particularly when preparing the Fillet of Salmon à la Carbon.

Or congress farting.

- Kahuna, offering an alternative explanation to gunfire heard at the Capitol.

GITT Mk III in da house.

- Gordon, announcing his new flagship automobile, the Gordon Industries Thirty Thousand.

The lack of registration plates on this car is noted.

- Kahuna, raising a point of interest for the FBI regarding GITT Mk III.

I have declared satellite navigation to be disturbing.

- Gordon, having outfitted his flagship automobile with GPS capability.

I will drop a NAVSTAR on GITT Mk III just to make a point.

- Kahuna to Gordon, threatening a more personalized satellite navigation experience.

The whole purpose of life without Danish is questionable.

- Gordon, ruminating on the unfairness of it all after being restrained from his daily chocolate Danish.

You're questioning the very essence of life itself. Scratch that, in your case it’s the flavor.

- Kahuna, making distasteful comment on Gordon’s rumination.

He thinks he had a choice. In reality, she makes all the decisions.

- Kahuna, on Gordon and his Autonomous Wife.

Try, and the Danish papers will be delivered to your wife.

- Kahuna, threatening to expose Gordon’s clandestine pastry consumption to his Autonomous Wife.

Tell him to get an appointment.

- Vandoofus, on being told Darth Teddy was anxious to meet him.

I can make you vanish by a single SQL query.

- Gordon to Darth Teddy, vying to become Sequel Pasha, the Gogia Pasha of the 21^st Century.

You will note one Mu'ammar was implicated in said series.

- Kahuna to Gordon, recollecting Libyan involvement in the plot of the CBS TV Series, Airwolf.

Are you doing a crosscheck on *f*?

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s motive for introducing Airwolf into the proceedings.

Were you involved in the original theft? Come to think of it you look like one C H Moffett.

- Kahuna, trying to implicate Gordon in the theft of Airwolf.

And you, like L M Muffet.

- Gordon, mounting a spirited defense by introduction of unrelated rhymes.

You've got your tuffet in a twist now. A large spider will sort you out according to tradition.

- Kahuna, proposing to unseat Gordon using unconventional methods.

Good grief! Five inches?

- Gordon, learning that the Presidential Limousine, Cadillac One is equipped with five inch thick ballistic armor.

Your availability has dropped many rating points this past week.

- Darth Teddy, keeping tabs on Kahuna.

May the bed bugs infest you.

- The Monster, itching to deal with Kahuna.

Nonsense, I have no reputation to protect.

- Darth Teddy, refusing to be blackmailed by Kahuna.

You just walk into office and thump me?

- Gordon, objecting to receiving a thump from Kahuna in the early hours of GMT+5.30.

Yes, it’s in my daily checklist.

- Kahuna to Gordon, defending his actions.

You will standby while the global bookmark service is accessed.

- Kahuna, putting Gordon on hold for del.icio.us purposes.

You could send your income to my bank account. I will credit the global merit pool on your behalf.

- Kahuna, offering Gordon a faith-based investment initiative.

You are trying to circumvent exchange regulations in the name of god.

- Gordon, taking an unholy view of Kahuna’s proposition.

Usually, this involves a transformer and two wires.

- Kahuna, taking a textbook view of Darth Teddy’s induction program.

Since I am big, I need broadband to transmit the pictures.

- Vandoofus, on the consequences of his allegedly large endowment.

I have years of experience that spans continents.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, establishing his credentials.

You also have high wear and tear on your mount point.

- Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy’s credentials on grounds of erosion.

Of course not, it’s made with the latest hardware. Very durable.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

Embrace of the Doofus – Part III

COFFEE STOP, Colombo -- The third release of a multi-part season occured earlier this week as the American at large, St. Vandoofus graced the shores of this fair region of the world. Shortly after landing he experienced the scintillating effect of being hugged in motion. To elaborate to those of you that are not familiar with the term "Hugged in motion" it means being hugged profusely while running around the coffee stop at one C. Grand. This motion hugging was carried out by one Darth Teddy who had been instructed by many to hug on sight, a request to which he duly responded at first opportunity. The hugging continued at regular intervals through the rest of the evening and at certain points the next evening during which Kahuna(Big) experienced the very first instance of MMO (See Below) ever recorded in the history of mankind. This was truly a unique experience (especially for Kahuna) and it be etched in the mind of those present for years to come. And also for those of you that have not had the pleasure of being enlightned of the first and the second releases of Embrace of the Doofus should directly contact Huggles (Release 1) and Aviation-man (Release 2) for graphic details. However we must warn you that Aviation-man seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth or so he has projected himself to be otherwise engaged so to speak.

In other news the inaugural webcam circus was held last night at the former residence of Her Royal Highness. This circus was conducted over webcam across continents and was brought to you by MSN Messenger. This event satisfied the condition of a minimum of three clowns ... infact very large ones ... namely Huggles, Her Royal Highness and Darth Teddy. Topics discussed included Aviation-man, Kahuna culinary skills, thieving wives, Poland, Return-dates, pregnancy and childbirth and of course the sibling now considered the reference edividual.

This has been a broadcast of BNN. We will bring you more entertainment news as it unfolds which is on a very regular basis.

*MMO - Male Multiple Orgasms

Gordon Convenes EGM

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In breaking news, it has come to light that an extraordinary general meeting of Clan Gordon has been convened in Georgia under the cover of darkness.

The Monster has arrived in Alpharetta for this unholy gathering convened by his clown sibling, crackpot inventor Professor Gordon. The agenda is believed to include plans to take over the eastern seaboard by neutralising St Vandoofus in New York while also dealing with the threat of Gordon’s arch-nemesis Bartus Maximus, who has ensconced himself in the California Republic.

Speaking to KNN later today, Kahuna emphasised that Gordon's EGM would not constitute a Circus unless the arch-climatoligist declared either his Autonomous Wife or Offspring a clown to arrive at the required quota of three.

KNN will monitor this developing situation.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 21

*f* has restored diplomatic ties once more.

- Kahuna, using a regular expression to represent Libyan Leader Muammar al-Gaddafi due to excessive English transliterations of the latter’s name being available.

You realize I'm the only clown on the planet that would understand that statement?

- Gordon, correctly evaluating Kahuna’s regular expression.

He should just go as a symbol like that idiot formerly known as Prince.

- Gordon, proposing to set up a symbol table for the Libyan Leader.

I just calculated that the 'f' seems to be the only usable constant.

- Kahuna, reporting his conclusions after exhaustive research on transliterating the Libyan Leader’s name.

They've probably found oil there.

- Gordon, suggesting crude reasons behind the thawing of relations with Tripoli.

You're speaking fluent sheep now.

- Kahuna, complimenting Gordon on his command of the language.

Your personal magnetism is getting you down now. Would you like to be degaussed?

- Kahuna to Gordon, offering an attractive solution to the latter being inundated by offshore clowns.

Well I don't want you declining and falling about.

- Kahuna, refusing to serve strong alcoholic beverages to Darth Teddy.

I don't decline and fall about. I gracefully collapse.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I am as gentle as a honey roasted lamb shank.

- Darth Teddy, on being accused by Kahuna of being boisterous.

I would have both if it were up to me.

- Darth Teddy, opting for both the cheesecake and bananas with rum.

I washed all my pants, so I can't go anywhere.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of general undress.

Are you are going to buy me weed?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna would be settling his hash.

I am an innocent little flower that you are trying to take advantage of. All I can do is call out and hope some kind soul hears me.

- Darth Teddy, engaging in a politically motivated harangue against Kahuna.

I just like dangling a carrot in front of your nose from a safe distance.

- Darth Teddy, declaring certified wuss status in the presence of Kahuna.

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

- Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

Something this decadent might be illegal.

- Darth Teddy, raising a point of law regarding Kahuna’s cheesecake.

However, it was quite hilarious watching you try to evade him.

- Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's efforts at avoiding being groped by Timmy the Ambidextrous.

You’re entertaining bears in the dead of night.

- Gordon, discovering Darth Teddy sampling culinary delights at Kahuna’s abode.

Welcome to Google Mars.

- Kahuna, predicting the inevitable.

You recall one Michael Knight had a button like this some years ago.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on the M Dynamic mode button to instantly boost engine output from 400 to 500 hp, in the 2006 BMW M5.

You will schedule air raids for each of the alliance member offices.

- Gordon to Kahuna, categorically refusing to ratify the 3.9 terabyte Holographic Versatile Disk (HVD) standard.

Including the Nippon Paint Company?

- Kahuna, clarifying the scope of air raids against the HVD Alliance.

I wonder if the NSA is monitoring this.

- Kahuna, musing on the secrecy of his conversations with Gordon.

Where is my pizza?

- Her Royal Highness, demanding Kahuna’s culinary creations in Sydney.

What do you call that thingy with the data layer, presentation layer and so on?

- Darth Teddy, on the OSI Reference Model, two degrees later.

Unfortunately things can’t have improved that much since you are obviously alive.

- Ching the Merciless, taking a dim view of Kahuna’s continued presence.

If you plan to have me hugged to death by a girl that’s okay.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s plan on having him hugged by Darth Teddy.

He was born to stand there and look pretty. And he does it well.

- Darth Teddy, on Her Royal Highness’s edible sibling.

Have you heard of bookmarks?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, providing the Circus URL yet again.

That requires two clicks.

- The Regulator, defending her reasons for shunning bookmarks.

I want to know whether you killed him or not with your so-called culinary delights.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, issuing a habeas corpus writ to produce Darth Teddy.

Obviously the food has dulled his senses.

- The Regulator, on Darth Teddy.

You actually own an EOS 30D?

- The Regulator, expressing concern regarding Kahuna’s latest acquisition.

The Eyes of Waffles

The Eyes of Waffles (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Waffles, on an inspection of Kahuna's bed, pauses to be photographed.

Captured on 27^th May 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) on automatic (ISO 400, f/4.5 aperture and 1/60^th of a second shutter). 

An Engineer and his Cuisine

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Newly crowned food critic and world famous eater Darth Teddy was entertained to a large meal (including dessert) by one Big Kahuna a couple of days ago. Through the naked eye this would seem like a fairly normal occurence, however the catch to this tummy-filling episode was that all items on the menu were concocted by Kahuna himself. For those of you who know Kahuna this might be a cause to regain your youthful exuberance and roll on the floor with hysterical laughter. On the contrary though, Kahuna personally prepared pizzas have put franchises such as Pizza Hut and Dominoes to shame and it might be said that if Kahuna went into large-scale pizza production said franchises might need to pack up and leave the island. Therefore, well-known food critic (fame happens fast) Darth Teddy has graded Kahuna's pizza's B+ with definite scope for greater things to come.

Moving on to the dessert (drool) yes that's right (drool). The Chef had prepared a New York style Cheesecake which was served with strawberries (slobber) which has a very bright future to it if released to the general public. This cheesecake has received an A by world-famous critic Darth Teddy.

The next day paved a path for a another dessert (due to inability to consume two deserts in one day for fear of death) which primarily consisted of banana's and rum (yum). This was tasted by chief critic Darth Teddy and guests namely, the Groper (Timmy) and +1. In a unanimous decision this dessert with alcohol as its primary base was given a hands down A by all present.

Therefore, comments bordering on scepticism towards Kahuna's culinary talents made by DT before he was knighted as world-famous food critic have been hastily retracted in hope that further invitations to gorge himself might be made in the near future. For those of you that are not in a position to experience this culinary delight can contact me for detailed explanations.

Sparky, Through the Eyes of EOS

Sparky, Through the Eyes of EOS (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Sparky poses for Kahuna mucking about with his new camera. The Eyes of EOS have been declared to be highly disturbing, and not merely from the perspective of Kahuna's bank manager.

Captured on 13^th May 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/4.5) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/100^th of a second. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 20

By the way, is your dog okay?

- Timmy, expressing concern upon hearing of Kahuna’s squabble with His household canine.

This is what happens when you try to genetically mutate an animal against the forces of evolution and then uproot it from its natural environment and implant it in an urban one. It bites!

- Vandoofus, exposing the underlying reasons behind Kahuna being bitten by His household canine.

Right up your alley.

- Kahuna, on learning that Darth Teddy was watching Fun with Dick and Jane.

It appears we're venturing into the paranormal now.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told the Baroness considered their aviation misadventures to be outside the mainstream.

This can apparently happen when a mother with three children flying from Narita makes a mistake in the wee hours.

- Kahuna to Gordon, explaining the mysterious circumstances under which His baggage vanished.

Why does everyone write so much?

- Vandoofus, indicating displeasure at Kahuna’s long-winded discourses on the Circus.

Probably got intimidated by my presence.

- Vandoofus, commenting on Darth Teddy’s vanishing act during a conference.

Would you like my sausage?

- Darth Teddy, offering Vandoofus a bratwurst.

I think your sausage is hazardous.

- Kahuna, taking a toxic view of Darth Teddy’s sausage.

As far as I know [Darth Teddy] is in line to become my next mini-me.

- Vandoofus, unveiling plans for Darth Teddy.

Turning up at 3 am is not acceptable.

- Darth Teddy, expressing irritation at being visited by Kahuna in the wee hours.

He shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a cow.

- Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, on being told that Huggles was constructing a milkshake.

You should not be letting [Huggles] near any electrical gadgets!

- Her Royal Highness, reporting a botched milkshake construction due to a blender bungled by the serial hugger.

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

- Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

I want Gordon.

- Darth Teddy, desperately seeking Gordon.

Holy crap.

- Darth Teddy, hearing that Kahuna planned to cook dinner.

Oh, it’s the grizzly.

- Gordon, realizing that Darth Teddy was at the remote end of an instant messaging session.

I prefer Kodiak please.

- Darth Teddy, indicating his preference to Gordon.

What the fuck are you doing in that idiot’s bedroom?

- Gordon to Darth Teddy, after unearthing the latter in Kahuna’s Chambers.

I always suspected you were a barbarian.

- Gordon, noting that the cheesecake constructed by Kahuna had been labelled a decadent dessert.

Your family is starting to login from various locations.

- Kahuna, filing a formal complaint on the global online presence of Clan Gordon.

You might be firing up the hounds of hell for all I know.

- Gordon, learning that Kahuna was firing up Google Earth.

Hogwash. You could carry many forms of rabies.

- Darth Teddy, declining yet another offer to be bitten by Kahuna.

What is the elevation?

- Kahuna to Gordon, after being told the latitude and longitude of the latter’s stronghold in Georgia.

Gmail will make it simpler by using the Google Earth API to provide the sender's ICBM locator. You can reply ballistically.

- Kahuna to Gordon, expounding His vision for advanced functionality in Gmail.

Select [ ] conventional, [ ] nuclear, [ ] chemical or [ ] biological?

- Gordon, extrapolating the new Gmail user interface.

There'll also be an [ ] I'm feeling lucky today.

- Kahuna, laying down user interface standards.

You are using this service at your own risk. You hereby agree that your actions may be in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and numerous United Nations resolutions on the non-proliferation of weaponry. Google does not guarantee that the delivery will only obliterate the intended location and damage/disturbance to neighbors will be at your own risk. This service is provided as-is and will be subject to the availability of silos.

- Gordon, proposing the new Gmail disclaimer.

You bought a camera didn’t you?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna had succumbed to temptation.

So many windows madame, so little time.

- Darth Teddy, paraphrasing Giacomo Casanova in Lasse Hallström’s 2005 production, Casanova.

Be the flame – not the moth.

- Darth Teddy, emphasising a key message from Lasse Hallström’s Casanova.

I believe I’m still just a spark, not a flame.

- Darth Teddy, denying charges of deep market penetration across Asia and most of Europe.

We’re still trying to put out the fires you lit.

- Kahuna, smouldering at Darth Teddy’s highly flammable frolics.

During the meal, the household feline attempted to mate with it.

- Kahuna to Gordon, reporting Darth Teddy’s attempts at starting a fire with His cat.

You could be screwing too hard.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on inexplicable fusing of light bulbs at the latter’s premises.

It was never a problem before.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

The Invasion of Kahuna and the Cheesecake Saga

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- In broken news, after being uninstalled from the Orient, the self-proclaimed cheesecake engineer Big Kahuna is reported to have had a harrowing experience at Bandaranaike International Airport, Sri Lanka when a member of the female species "mistakenly" aquired his luggage which primarily consisted of used underwear. Viewers are strongly urged to come to their own conclusions regarding this matter.

After departing from said location minus luggage at an un-Godly hour Kahuna then proceeded to disturb the peaceful slumber of Darth Teddy at approximately 0245 hours (GMT+0530) in an effort to pay him a vistit AKA The Invasion of Kahuna. For those of you that are unaware it was infact Darth Teddy that was refered to as "another large clown in mysterious transit" in Kahuna previous post on global CF re-balancing. However after Kahuna disturbance of DT and eventual entry in his space a few sordid conversations took place. Unfortunately the contents of these conversations could not be disclosed as this is a family website. However we understand that the jist of the conversations had to do with the definition of a nymphomaniac based purely on data gathered through personal experience.

One conversation we can shed some light on is Kahuna's claim to have constructed a cheesecake all by himself. We understand that these are the sort of headlines that appear on tabloids around the world and apologize for flaunting it on such a reputed news network. The claim of course was immediately shot down by Darth Teddy on grounds of complete balderdash. The ability to construct an edible cheesecake has been unfortunately vetoed from Kahuna's cababilities by public demand and various health and safety organizations.

In other news the blogorazzi have informed us that Kahuna has bought himself, yes himself, a 1 litre bottle of Bacardi Rum. This is indeed news regarding the self-proclaimed non-alcoholic.

Yes, yes... News just in Kahuna's luggage has been returned to him due to used underwear not meeting specifications.

This is all the news for now we will keep you updated on proceedings and also on the inevitable retaliation of Kahuna towards Darth Teddy on revealing the truth about the Cheesecake Saga.

The Chronicles of Gordia – The Aircraft, the Crackpot and the Bus

ATLANTA, Georgia -- Having departed from Asia, Professor Ebenezer Gordon has emerged in the State of Georgia in the contiguous United States, causing chaos even just a few minutes after landing. It is understood that the commercial aircraft carrying the crackpot inventor narrowly averted a collision at Atlanta International as evidenced by the following conversation with Kahuna.

Gordon : Did I tell you our aircraft almost collided
         with a bus at Atlanta International?
Kahuna : A bus? X-(
Gordon : A bus X-(
Gordon : The plane came to a screeching halt X-(
Kahuna : You will note my bus avoided aircraft X-(
Gordon : It was one of those small Canadair regional
         jet affairs.
Gordon : And a woman pilot.
Kahuna : X-(
Kahuna : @#$@#%#$^#$$@#$@#$#2
Kahuna : Good god.
Gordon : The bus came from the left à la Bajaj.
Kahuna : X-( At Atlanta International?
Gordon : We could see it coming through the portholes.
         However, the pilot could not I presume.
Kahuna : #$@#$@#$@#$
Gordon : She saw it at the last moment and literally
         stomped on the brakes.
Kahuna : I believe side mirrors are not an option.
Gordon : Indeed.
Kahuna : Did she make an announcement?
Gordon : Er no.

Aviation experts believed that Gordon’s personal magnetism may have been to blame for the incident and cautioned that should this continue, he may well attract the wrong kind of attention.

The Gordon Threat Level forecast for today is moderate with chances of afternoon or evening porcupines.

Done For in Dubai or How to Get Your Flight Changed in Ten Easy Steps

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates -- You arrive from Cairo on a decidedly cramped Boeing 777-200 with seats designed to emulate straightjackets without all the messy straps. You’ve learned how to manipulate cutlery without moving your elbows or invading the airspace of the adjacent seat and causing an international incident.

You decide you’d rather alter your flight schedule and go home than spend a minute more than necessary in Dubai. However, you have a problem: your luggage is tagged to Dubai and you don’t want to get a visa to collect your luggage and walk into the Departures Terminal. Fear not, for an elegant brute-force solution has been discovered to this most vexing of dilemmas.

Research conducted in the wee hours of the morning under cranky, sleep-deprived conditions now reveals an easy ten-step solution:

1. Your aircraft will land at Dubai International and park at the outermost parking bay known to humankind. You take the proffered bus to the Arrivals Terminal, avoiding other vehicular traffic including, but not limited to commercial aircraft deciding to move from point A to point B in the dead of the night. Your bus journey will require thirty minutes with frequent stops for the aforementioned commercial aircraft, during which you will be educated on the difference between the Transit and Arrivals Terminals by a perky, recorded message. You feel like sticking a cactus in the announcer’s ass.


2. You disembark at the Arrivals Terminal. You then walk over to the enquiries counter and after exchanging pleasantries, ask of the possiblily to travel on an earlier flight subject to the availability of seats. The clownette-in-session peers into the dark depths of the information system and reveals that seats are indeed, miraculously available. However, the clownette declines to action the request indicating that this can only be done at the all-powerful Transfer Desk B in the Departures Terminal. Said terminal can only be accessed after a perilous altercation with airport security who believe that suspicious materials are embedded in your shoes and insist on X-raying them. Having found nothing, they reluctantly let you pass. You must then take the tunnel to cross the tarmac and arrive at the Departures Terminal.


3. You locate Transfer Desk B, which is located inside Gate 18. You are attempting to access said Transfer Desk in a non-standard fashion and must travel in the reverse direction through security. Strangely, this is allowed.


4. You walk over to an operational counter and stand in line. After many moons, the clown-in-session indicates that you should move to another counter as it is dealing with a difficult request. This process may be proven to be iterative.


5. Having finally reached a counter, you hand over documents and explain your requirement to the clown-in-session (i.e., you wish to travel on an earlier flight). You are met with a blank expression and asked if you have a booking on said earlier flight. You remind yourself that this is why you’re here in the first place and stay calm. The clown-in-session proceeds to tell you to go to “the counter over there” and first obtain a booking on the required flight and then return to its counter.


6. You walk to the counter labelled Commercial and stand in line. A passenger with non-standard requirements hogs the counter for several seasons. Meanwhile, incoming passengers from other flights will flood all operational counters. A group of Hungarians with little knowledge of English attempt to jump your queue. You point them to the right counter using wild, animated gestures. A Sikh gentleman attempting to get to New Delhi due to a death in the family stands behind you and queries what is taking so long, asking if the counter operator is sleeping. You attempt to placate the gentleman. The hog finally leaves having been serviced. You ask the clown-in-session to book you on the next flight home. It punches random symbols on its keyboard, nods wisely and hands back your ticket.


7. You return to stand in line at the previous counter. Queues have lengthened. On finally reaching the counter you inform the clown that you have returned after having obtained a booking for your new flight. The clown peers into its terminal and presses arcane symbols on its keyboard. You wait. More peering and symbol pressing. The clown tells you it can’t find your booking. It then asks you to wait, takes your ticket and goes into the nearby office. You wait. The clown returns. It still can’t find the booking. It obtains the assistance of the clown operating the counter to it’s right. Together, both clowns search for your booking, which decides to continue absconding. They finally tell you that you are not on that flight and must go to the Commercial counter again and ask for a printout of the booking reference. You roll your eyes and express annoyance. They placate you by telling you that you don’t need to stand in line the next time around.


8. You return to the Commercial Counter and wait your turn. You tell the clown-in-session that the clowns at the other counters can’t find the booking and ask for a printout. It rolls its eyes and punches random symbols into its terminal. A printout mysteriously emerges with a booking reference number.


9. You return to the previous counter and bypass the queue. An angry French-Canadian is at the counter demanding a flight to London so that he can meet his connection to Montreal. You wait and make sighing noises and chat up the French-Canadian, who’s just arrived from Vietnam. His sole felony appears to have been to travel a day earlier, resulting in all forward bookings being cancelled as he was a no-show for his original flight. He tells you what he thinks of the airline in language peppered with colorful expletives. The clown-in-session vanishes in the meantime. You wait, discussing airlines with the French-Canadian. The clown-in-session materialises and informs the French-Canadian that he is on standby for a flight to London. The French-Canadian obtains his boarding pass and sprints to the gate.


10. You hand-over the booking reference printout smugly to the clown-in-session. It peers into its terminal and tells you that your flight doesn’t have seats and you will be a standby passenger. You express grave annoyance and tell the clown that there were seats an hour back. It then looks at the booking reference printout and punches into its keyboard as you fume. It transpires that it was looking at the wrong flight. Your baggage claim tags are forwarded to Colombo and you are finally issued your boarding card and asked to have a pleasant flight. At this point, you don’t care if your luggage ends up in Reykjavík. You do the 100-meter dash to the gate, bumping into security who continue to have a strange fascination in your shoes.

It appears that a process consultant from Hell designed this workflow. This is customer service at its very best. Prepare to spend two hours of your life to work out this solution. The moral of this story is to avoid Dubai and fly Carrier Pigeon Airlines next time.

Global CF Re-Balancing Feared

SINGAPORE -- In breaking news, Kahuna is reported to have installed himself in the Orient this morning for reasons that are not entirely clear at this time. Analysts suspected that another round of global CF re-balancing may be on the cards given the instability created by the inter-continental transit of Professor Gordon.

KNN has also learned that a mysterious transit of another large clown may have been taking place simultaneously, thus requiring Kahuna to take evasive action to prevent an excessive wobble being introduced into the Earth's axial rotation.

KNN will provide live coverage of this shaky situation.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 19

The continental United States is getting on my nerves.

- Gordon, proposing to launch an intercontinental project manager seeking missile.

I'm wondering whether to send it a hooker.

- Kahuna, considering a birthday present for Vandoofus.

I’ll bludgeon you with a baguette.

- Kahuna, initiating the Bakery Wars.

A kimbula taken rectally should sort you out.

- Gordon, retaliating in the Bakery Wars.

I did drop her phone in a bowl of mushroom ravioli.

- Vandoofus, pleading guilty to culpable gadgeticide.

The relative particle size and particle density of ravioli will probably not harm a phone.

- Kahuna, providing expert testimony in the mushroom ravioli case.

Its dodgy bits of lace. Not bits of dodgy lace.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, clarifying the use of lace in female undergarments.

You see the Short One online?

- Vandoofus, desperately seeking regulation.

A short while ago.

- Kahuna, reporting a sighting of the Regulator.

Should I quote you today too?

- Vandoofus, proposing to quote Kahuna in the dubious VanQuotes.

I am collaborating with the Short One on a short story about you.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing a strategic alliance with the Regulator.

As a citizen of a banana republic, I'm always open to bribery and corruption. I'm thinking of ditching Vandoofus and writing a short one on my own.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, offering to renege on her memorandum of understanding with Vandoofus.

Compiling. Please stand clear.

- The Compiler, taking a dubious view of code crafted by Vandoofus.

Runtime dangers still persist.

- The Compiler, declining to issue an all clear even after compilation.

The fools! How dare they refuse my custom!

- Kahuna, on learning that a store He intended to visit was closed on Saturday.

This is a short message from your personal stalker.

- The Regulator, offering Kahuna a personalised service.

I didn't know you offered a short message service.

- Kahuna, questioning the Regulator’s latest service offering.

The Hand of Kahuna is now bandaged.

- Kahuna, reporting impromptu surgery carried out on His person by the senior resident canine.

She couldn't find enough momentum if she jumped off Vesuvius.

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, on learning that the Regulator planned to crash a party.

Say something, so that I can quote you.

- Vandoofus, hunting for material for VanQuotes.

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

- Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

- Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

- Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

Around? Around what? The mountain?

- Kahuna, learning that Vandoofus had been “around” and suspecting direct correlation with the nursery rhyme.

In style, yes.

- Gordon to Vandoofus, on being asked if he had landed.

Georgia doesn't seem to have reliable broadband.

- Vandoofus, observing severe oscillation in Gordon’s online presence.

I'm installing a known elephant in Cairo.

- Kahuna, revealing the reason for his presence in Egypt to Darth Teddy.

Can I help in the day to day running of the elephant?

- Darth Teddy, applying for the post of Vice President – Pachyderm Operations.

Should I send you a truckload of tissues?

- Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy would be taking matters into his own hands.

No, rabies was not on my "to get" list.

- Darth Teddy, declining to be bitten by Kahuna.

The Great Sphinx

The Great Sphinx (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The Great Sphinx of Giza, with the Pyramid of Khafre in the background. The Sphinx has the body of a lion attached to the head of a man. The identity of the face is under debate and is believed by some to be the Pharaoh Khaphre or his father Khufu.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/4 and milisecond shutter. This image has been enhanced by Picasa to remove haze. 

The Pyramids of Giza

The Pyramids of Giza (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The pyramids of Khufu, Khafre and Menkaure (Mykerinos in Greek) from the panoramic viewpoint on a hazy April morning. The Pyramid of Khafre appears larger due to its higher elevation.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/8.0 and a shutter speed of 1/640^th of a second. 

The Pyramid of Kaphre

The Pyramid of Kaphre (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The east and north faces of the Pyramid of Kaphre (Chephren in Greek) with an unidentifed camel rider in the foreground.

The pyramid now stands at 446 feet (136 m) tall and still has some of the original polished limestone casing stones intact.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/7.1 and shutter speed of 1/250^th of a second. 

The North Face

The North Face (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- A close up view of the north face of the Great Pyramid, the massive blocks of limestone clearly visible.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/8.0 and an shutter speed of 1/320^th of a second. 

The Great Pyramid

The Great Pyramid (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

GIZA NECROPOLIS, Egypt -- The north face of the Great Pyramid, the largest structure in the Giza Necropolis, reputedly built over twenty years concluding around 2560 BC. It is believed to be the tomb of the Pharaoh Khufu of the Fourth Dynasty and is also known as the Pyramid of Khufu (Cheops in Greek).

The four sides are aligned to compass points based on true north and is accurate to within a few minutes of arc. The pyramid, currently at 455.21 feet (138.75 m) is the oldest and sole remaining of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Its original height is believed to have been 481 feet (146.5 m). Theft of the capstone or pyramidion and erosion over the centuries are responsible for the reduced height seen today.

The pyramid was built using blocks of limestone, basalt and granite, each weighing an average of 1.5 tons, leading to a total mass of about six million tons. It was originally surfaced with polished white limestone that has since fallen away or been removed to construct other structures around Cairo.

A fascinating aerial view of the pyramids can be seen using Flash Earth, powered by the Google Earth API. The co-ordinates are centered over the Pyramid of Kaphre (Chephren) and the Great Pyramid is towards the top right. It is believed by some that the three Pyramids of Giza are aligned with Alnitak, Alnilam and Mintaka, the stars in the constellation Orion that comprise the belt.

Captured on 21^st April 2006 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with an aperture of f/7.1 and shutter speed of 1/250^th of a second. 

Breaking News: Kahuna Seen Belly Dancing

CAIRO, Egypt (ENN) -- Reports coming from Egypt indicate that Big Kahuna has been seen belly dancing at a public event. Eye-witnesses say Kahuna, who may have been under the influence, danced in front of a large audience convened to discuss the changing demands of Information Systems in the retail sector. Attempts to contact Kahuna only yielded a text message from the same which reportedly read “See, I can do it,” along with a picture that is deemed inappropriate for this forum.

No injuries were reported.

Confounded in Katunayake

KATUNAYAKE, Sri Lanka -- Here we go again. Buffoonery involving airports and airlines appear to be limitless. To avoid the usual lunacy at check-in counters, I decided to check-in online prior to arriving at the airport named for the Scourge of the Nation. To my utter surprise, customs formalities had been streamlined and one could actually breeze in. However, this was more than adequately confounded by a counter labelled Online Check-in.

Two old bats with non-standard travel documents hogged the proceedings for a good ten minutes. While the bats were placated, the offline check-in counters were seen to be processing passengers faster. So much for online check-in. When I finally got to the counter, the clown in session asked me why I stood in line when I had checked-in online. I proceeded to explain that the so-called online check-in queue was held up. It was then revealed that counter was indeed operating in promiscuous mode. The bats were apparently offline bats. The clown then apologized profusely and checked me in all the way to Cairo. No doubt my baggage will arrive in Cape Town.

Leaving batty check-in processes aside, the airport has been done up nicely since the last time I visited. Otaraville is evident ("Welcome to Otaraville, give us all your money.") Clowns at SLT have set up offices as well. Naturally, attempting to connect wirelessly was found to be too irritating, so I’m currently blogging by the grace of Hans[a] and the Holy GPRS.

It’s almost 0100 hours now and another hour and forty-five minutes will need to be spent in a wait state. The required aircraft does not appear to be present unless it has been camouflaged well. An eight-hour layover in Dubai looms. You only realise how big the planet is when you need to get from continent A to continent B. I think I should just drop everything and invent teleportation. At least then we can get rid of the politicians.

Well that’s about it for now. More will be blogged when I feel like it. Well yeah, I'm the only one who blogs. Anyway, who cares? In the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero, O tempora, O mores!

Gordon, Kahuna to Leave Asia

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Another year has dawned with the passage of the sun from the constellation Pisces to Aries and dairy products were forced into a gaseous phase following the traditional lighting of the hearth. These activities were soon followed by a dangerous rise of the triglyceride level in the bloodstream. Further lunacy is expected later tonight in the profoundly dim-witted reversion to the standard time zone of GMT+0530.

In alarming news, Professor Ebenezer Gordon, MP, MTS, PN is expected to depart for the continental United States in a few hours with his Autonomous Wife and Semi-Autonomous Offspring, creating a massive imbalance in global CF. Analysts cautioned that CF in the United States could become extremely unstable given the current incumbency of St Vandoofus, Bartus Maximus and the Monster over and above the Shrub and Duck administration. Experts believed that Kahuna would need to take evasive measures to avoid a wobble being introduced into the axial rotation of the planet.

However, Kahuna issued a statement later today announcing that He would be leaving Asia on Monday to set up offices in Africa. Pundits suspected that Kahuna might be travelling to Africa to install a known elephant in Cairo such that the algorithm would terminate. However, no evidence has been found to independently verify this conjecture and known elephants were not among those scheduled to travel with Kahuna.

In His statement, Kahuna added that the Circus would now be represented on all major continents excluding South America and Antarctica. He added that it was only a matter of time before St Vandoofus would be relocated to the Ross Ice Shelf to keep watch over the hole in the ozone layer. The possibility of Bartus Maximus setting up a stronghold in the Andes was also not ruled out.

Following Kahuna’s announcement, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) warned of unusual weather and geomagnetic activity for the next few weeks until global CF re-balancing is completed.

KNN will continue to monitor this precarious situation.

Good Friends are Hard to Come By

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.

In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nicky or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.

In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.

In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.

In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.

In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick [or Glen] or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go.

At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for university and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

Pass on to those friends of the past, and those of the future... and those you have met along the way...


Crying yet? Oh there's more.

Thank you for being a friend. No matter where we go or who we become, never forget who helped us get there.

There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them.

You know who you are, pass it on to someone who you want to remind.

So send this to all your friends and maybe those who aren't but just watch and see who sends it back.

If you love someone, tell them. Remember, always to say what you mean. Never be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets.

Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all about anyway. Pass this along to your friends. Let it make a difference in your day and theirs.

The difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the regrets may stay around forever.

- Good Friends are Hard to Come By, Anon. From Sentinel's Kyoto Castle.

Kahuna Condemns VanQuotes

BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a statement released to the media today, Kahuna condemned St Vandoofus’s VanQuotes as a cheap publicity stunt and effort at vilification. He added that He was quoted maliciously and completely out of context.

Informed sources said that Vandoofus was already in the doghouse due to the mushroom ravioli incident last week. It is understood that Vandoofus had allegedly dunked his roommate’s mobile phone in the said ravioli, resulting in a premature end to its operational lifetime. Vandoofus had dismissed the incident as having been caused by an unfavorable alignment of the buildings in his street. Industry analysts, however, took a different view suggesting it was most likely the result of butterfingers. Kahuna noted that Vandoofus was quite notorious with electronic equipment and had a long history of gadgeticide.

When asked if He planned to retaliate, Kahuna replied that the impending move of Professor Gordon to the contiguous United States would be punishment enough. However, He threatened to situate Gordon next door if Vandoofus continued to make himself a public nuisance.

The Bane of Gadgets was unavailable for comment.

VanQuotes - Part 1

Idiot.

- Kahuna’s reaction to Vandoofus’s threat to create his own quotable quotes.

Go jerk off.

- Kahuna’s reaction to the above quote.

Not getting much material huh? :-p

- Kahuna’s reaction on been quoted repeatedly.

What.

- Disgruntled Kahuna on being asked “Creative or what?” by Vandoofus regarding Vandoofus’s creativity.

Don't give up your day job.

- A jealous Kahuna commenting on Vandoofus’s creativity.

Good night.

- Unimpressed Kahuna retiring to bed.

$*&@*&^@#%^* - good night idiot.

- Kahuna reacting to the last quote.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 18

This conversation will be useful at your hearing.

- Gordon, collecting evidence against Kahuna on the fly.

A tent under the Great Pyramid might be considered suitable by some.

- Gordon, on being told that Kahuna would be provided suitable accommodation in Egypt.

The burial chamber of said pyramid, by others.

- Kahuna, taking a deadly view of suitable accommodation.

I'll thump you with a stuffed mongoose.

- Gordon, proposing to practice the dark art of percussive taxidermy on Kahuna.

How should I know the loopback address?

- Vandoofus, in his own defense in Vandoofus v Linksys.

Tsk tsk tsk… At this time of the night?

- The Regulator, encountering Kahuna online at 2:00am (GMT+6).

You should be chaperoned by Attila the Hun.

- The Regulator, considering sanctions against Kahuna.

Looks weird. Why would you need so many pixels?

- Vandoofus, evaluating the Hasselblad H2D-39.

Doofi, if you touch this blog template again, I will take the next flight to NY and thump you.

- Sinister message found in the Circus blog template.

Moses is required at this end.

- Kahuna, considering supernatural assistance to deal with His flooded garden after record rainfall.

Bogart?

- Gordon, hearing Huggles had named his automobile “Humphrey.”

Oh god, there goes the neighborhood.

- Vandoofus, learning of the impending arrival of Gordon in the Land of the Free.

Fortunately, the Land of the Free is very big.

- Vandoofus, making the best of a bad situation.

Does anyone know where he’s going to set up his evil stronghold upon arrival? Just so I can designate the area a level-5 biohazard quarantine region and unleash the killer prairie dogs.

- Bartus Maximus, taking proactive measures to deal with an elevated Gordon threat level.

Are you passionate about sulphur springs?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s plan to take a sabbatical among the sulphur springs in Iceland.

It’s one thing I am passionate about.

- Vandoofus, on lunch.

We have imported bananas from South Africa. Used from behind, they can easily fool anyone. It can be used as a shotgun any day.

- The Regulator, proposing the use of imported bananas in lieu of traditional firearms.

Used from behind?

- Kahuna, questioning the use of a banana astern.

Well I can’t hold a banana to his face now, can I?

- The Regulator, defending her rearguard action.

In no time we are going to generate enough energy from rotten bananas to light up the city.

- The Regulator, planning to set up an unconventional power plantain.

What better way to give yellow light?

- The Regulator, on the conservation of chrominance during power generation.

We don't have a minimum height requirement.

- Kahuna, addressing the Regulator’s concerns about joining the Circus.

I'm trying to keep a low profile here.

- The Regulator, stating the obvious.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just leave me alone!

- The Regulator’s corollary to Albert Camus.

I'll have the cream and the whip separately on a plate, please.

- The Regulator, advocating the separation of cream and whip.

Keeping Cool in Minneriya

Keeping Cool in Minneriya (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

MINNERIYA, Sri Lanka -- Elephants cooling off in the Minneriya National Park on a humid November afternoon.

A vanishing moment, in more ways than one, as expressed so eloquently by Cartier-Bresson. Now, only the photographs remain.

Captured on 11^th November 2005 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/4) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/100^th of a second. 

Gordon Caught Red-Handed in Black Magic Ritual

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Damning evidence was uncovered today implicating crackpot inventor Professor Gordon in a devilish plot to take over the planet.

Acting on a tip-off, a KNN team infiltrated Gordon’s porcupine-infested hideout today to discover the arch-pyrotechnologist presiding over a demonic ritual to invoke the hideous powers of darkness. Attired in the traditional garb of a kattadiya^[1], Gordon was seen swaggering around a smoky circle in considerable discord with the beating drums and liberally dispensing the dummala^[2] with the flair of one having had a bad experience with higher explosives.

At considerable risk to life and limb, our team crept in close enough to view the unfolding spectacle, only to learn that Gordon was dabbling in the darkest of the dark arts to invoke that most dreaded and frightful construct: a jāva bhūtha yanthraya (java virtual machine).

The arch-kattadiya was heard beginning the hex with the customary preamble, ohm namo jāva bhūtha yanthram. This was followed by foul incantations describing the required features: vasthu kēndram (object-orientation), bahu nāma-rūpam (polymorphism), kula pravēniganam (class inheritance), abyantara vāranam (encapsulation), anthar mandapam (cross-platform), bahu mādyam (multimedia), klēsha rāshibhūtham (garbage collection), uchchasthara prathirūpam (high-level interface), dhrudānga vimukthi kētham (hardware-independent code) and āvarjanarakshitham (memory-safe). Gordon then closed with ohm namo namo namo^[3], possibly some manner of frame check sequence or checksum.

Although, the ritual continued with increasing debauchery, our team was soon discovered by Gordon’s marauding porcupines and had to make a hasty retreat while invoking St Dogbert, patron saint of technology.

Analysts mused that Gordon might have discovered a means of creating software without actually having to write code. However, Kahuna dismissed the notion saying that Gordon was resorting to an unauthorized thovil^[4] because he couldn’t code to save his rear end. He added that Gordon would certainly not be able to take over the planet using Java, although he might slow it down considerably. The arch-kattadiya was not available for comment.

KNN will provide live updates of this highly explosive story.

^[1] Demon priest.
^[2] A powder that deflagrates rapidly when thrown into a naked flame.
^[3] The original author of this hilarious piece of work is unknown. However, it did inspire Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101).
^[4] Devil dance.

You've Got to Find What You Love

STANFORD, California Republic -- On the 12^th of June 2005, a balding man clad in jeans and sandals under his black robe delivered the Commencement address at Stanford University, eliciting a standing ovation. This is what he had to say:

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

The speaker was Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios. More information here.