The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 12 - The Way of the Jungle

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- A few months ago, Professor Gordon and Kahuna had yet another of their notorious conversations. This time, it became a highly unorthodox discussion about microarchitecture, implicating flora and fauna in a manner that would have been frowned upon by Subrata Dasgupta, author of that definitive work, The Design and Description of Computer Architectures^[1].

This is a work of utter buffoonery and certainly not intended to be an affront to Professor Dasgupta, without whose works, Kahuna would have been a lesser clown.

Read on to find out what would happen if large clowns left unsupervised, designed processors.

Gordon : In other news, my daughter is attempting 
         speech synthesis.
Kahuna : Again? X-(
Gordon : Indeed.
Gordon : She executes for{int i=1; i<=10; i++} quite
         regularly, especially whilst climbing 
         stairs. 
Kahuna : #@$@%@!@#@!$%#$% 
Gordon : What, you prefer VB? X-( 
Kahuna : I'd prefer if you didn't teach your 
         daughter to code at this age X-( 
Gordon : Heh heh, be thankful it wasn't MOV AX,0 etc
         :-P
Kahuna : I will perform an LDIR[2] on your person 
         by Z80 assembly X-(
Gordon : Now, now, now.
         HALT.
Kahuna : RSET.
Gordon : JNZ LAKE X-(
Kahuna : LD CACTUS.
         PUSH CACTUS.
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : Heh heh.
Gordon : That would probably have caused a cache 
         miss X-(
Kahuna : You think?
Kahuna : I can just imagine not finding the cactus 
         in main memory and a foray into the Arizona
         desert X-(
Gordon : Exactly.
Kahuna : This would incur a delay of several clock
         cycles X-(
Gordon : You could attempt a prefetch X-(
Kahuna : Are you suggesting that I cache cacti to 
         avoid going off-chip?
Gordon : Well the branch prediction may compensate.
Kahuna : If it predicts the wrong branch, it might 
         fetch redwoods. This could cause large 
         scale caching problems X-(
Gordon : I see your locale is en-US X-(
Kahuna : Indeed. Flagstaff, AZ to be precise.
Gordon : If your locale was en-ZA you might have 
         fetched a baobab.
Kahuna : #$@#$@#$ You will note said baobab caches 
         water X-(
Gordon : Indeed, large amounts of it too.
Kahuna : So you're suggesting we replace the L2 with
         a baobab?
Gordon : This is a possibility, yes.  You might 
         attract vultures, though.
Kahuna : Said vultures could introduce pipeline 
         stalls.
Gordon : In local news a clown zoo had lost its 
         vulture and was issuing instructions to 
         notify police if [we] saw a vulture flying
         by X-(
Kahuna : Yes, all we need now is a vulture flyby X-(
Kahuna : I wonder why they never thaught [sic] 
         processor design in this manner.
Gordon : Judging by that last sentence they'd have 
         been too busy checking spellings X-(
Kahuna : I will lock you up in baobab if you're not
         careful. "A very large, hollow boab [sic] 
         south of Derby, Western Australia was used 
         in the 1890s as a lockup for Aboriginal 
         prisoners on their way to Derby for 
         sentencing. The Boab Prison Tree still 
         stands and is now a tourist attraction."[3]
Gordon : You appear to have branched X-(
Kahuna : It was just a look-aside during translation
         X-(
Gordon : Someone should buffer you.
Kahuna : A staging latch could be used for this
         purpose X-(
Gordon : That's quite static.
Kahuna : Well as long as it's fast enough.
Kahuna : You will note it takes a large CF to 
         explain microarchitecture in terms of 
         cacti, baobabs and vultures X-(
Kahuna : By Subrata Dasgupta X-(
Gordon : Indeed. A hyena or two will add some 
         flavor.
Kahuna : I was thinking of a fossa.
Gordon : Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Don't remind me of that
         clown X-(
Kahuna : Indeed. That book was hideous X-(
Gordon : To this day I have no idea what he was 
         trying to say X-(
Kahuna : Indeed. The sentences were so long that you
         lost track of the subject and the predicate
         when you got to the end.

Professor Dasgupta's perfectly structured, elegantly mathematical English was lost on undergraduates desperately short of cache memory to buffer the entirety of his statements. Screaming and gnashing of teeth was not uncommon during CS301.

Gordon : Indeed, perhaps it was trying to explain 
         TLBs X-(
Kahuna : I think the whole book was a corrupted TLB.
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Gordon : You're suggesting bad SRAM by Hyundai.
Kahuna : I'm suggesting that Dasgupta got his 
         pipelines a twist. It's a good thing he 
         didn't teach surgery for instance X-(
Kahuna : Argggggggggghhhhh! You will examine.
Gordon : BTBOTP, he looks like Cuthbert Calculus.
Gordon : He's in the Institute of Cognitive Science 
         of all places X-(
Kahuna : He's written a novel as well X-(
Gordon : Oh? X-(
Kahuna : Just imagine reading that X-(
Gordon : Perhaps that's what we had in the library 
         X-(
Kahuna : He's written more than one. Probably no one
         understood it. Or more likely, survived to
         tell the tale.
Gordon : [GUFFAW]

In all fairness, the most boring book of all time is Michael J Earl's Management Strategies for Information Technology^[4]. A bane of college students everywhere, the slim volume with its characteristic dark blue cover is known to induce coma with a single page. But, we digress.

Gordon : Perhaps he may have a chance now that 
         Sidney Sheldon is out of the way X-(
Kahuna : Yes, the general public is itching to read
         about his description of how staging 
         latches help during prefetch X-(
Gordon : :-P
Kahuna : You can almost feel the suspense when he
         describes a pipeline stall X-(
Gordon : You appear to be a great fan of his works.
Kahuna : Yes, I still remember the chapter on 
         microcode X-(
Kahuna : It took me years to get over it.
Gordon : Heh, heh.

The next day, buffoonery continued.

Kahuna : Zap() Clobber()
Gordon : Vulture()
Kahuna : A deceased wildebeest will sort you out.
Gordon : Assault with carcass? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed.
Kahuna : Good lord: "A group of vultures is 
         occasionally called a venue in literature. 
         When circling in the air, a group of 
         vultures is called a kettle."[5]
Gordon : A kettle? By Russell Hobbs X-(
Kahuna : Indeed X-(
Gordon : And literature? By S Dasgupta X-(
         What form of literature has references to
         vultures? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed.  Said clown would have described 
         the venue of vultures attending the 
         processor in quite unnecessary detail X-(
Kahuna : However, I'm still not quite clear what 
         role these vultures play in the 
         microarchitecture. Garbage collection? X-(
Gordon : Garbage collection.
Kahuna : And you propose to use elephants to manage 
         the data bus? Especially if your TLB 
         predicts we need a redwood.
Gordon : For data compression, yes.
Kahuna : Who's going to fetch the data? X-(
Gordon : Carrier pigeons.
Kahuna : Carrier pigeons? X-(
Gordon : Do you have a better suggestion? X-(
Kahuna : Let me get this right: we have pigeons
         bringing in the data from off-chip storage,
         then there's a ring of elephants around the
         baobab who stomp on the incoming data to
         compress it?
Gordon : Yes, and vultures cleaning up any 
         leftovers.
Kahuna : This compression appears to be lossy X-(
Gordon : The hyenas take care of interrupts.
Kahuna : By howling?
Gordon : Yup.
Gordon : Unless you get laughing hyenas, that is.
Kahuna : In which case? X-(
Gordon : They laugh.
Kahuna : This might annoy the elephants X-(
Gordon : This is all taken care of by the lions 
         manning the control bus.
Kahuna : Oh, there are lions as well? X-(
Gordon : Yes. This worries you?
Kahuna : No, I'm just wondering how the data is
         decompressed.
Gordon : That's a patented process.
Gordon : I forgot to mention the zebras that provide
         disk striping.
Kahuna : No doubt the elephants blow the compressed 
         data back up
Gordon : I cannot comment on that.
Kahuna : You're attempting to hide a patently lossy
         compression method X-(
Kahuna : These zebras operate on RAID 1+0 or 5?
Gordon : 1+0.
Kahuna : These are high-performance zebras, BTBOTP.
Gordon : Indeed.
Kahuna : Is there a secretary bird in this 
         architecture?
Gordon : How did you guess?
Kahuna : Someone has to provide a clock signal X-(
Gordon : Er no, that's the cuckoo.
Kahuna : And pray tell what the secretary bird does?
Gordon : The secretary bird handles the storage
         abstraction layer.
Gordon : You just hand over the data and it's filed 
         on any available medium.
Kahuna : And the underlying zebras handle 
         redundancy?
Gordon : Exactly.
Gordon : And then there're the fireflies that read
         optical media.
Kahuna : X-( Yellow-ray technology?
Gordon : Er no, they were genetically modified to 
         glow blu(e). We try to adhere to standards 
         wherever possible.
Kahuna : There is no such standard X-(
Gordon : Haven't you heard of Blu-ray? X-(
Kahuna : I believe they're still bitching over that 
         and HD-DVD X-(
Gordon : Indeed; however, Blu-ray seems to be 
         winning.
Kahuna : Your alliances are noted X-(
Kahuna : We will need some adders to man the FPU.
Gordon : Did I mention we use water from the baobab 
         for cooling?
Kahuna : Er no, but I would imagine this to be 
         sensible.
Kahuna : Doesn't this architecture need monkeys?
Gordon : No they're unpredictable.
Kahuna : Yes, we wouldn't want this to become like
         parliament.
Gordon : I will now abscond for a bit to pay the 
         rent.
Kahuna : Why not hand it over to the secretary bird?

Sometime later...

Gordon : Douglas()
Kahuna : Gah.
Kahuna : Did you go off-chip? X-(
Gordon : Yes, I was peripheral.
Kahuna : I must ask the lions not to leave you to 
         your own devices.
Kahuna : On that note, I will swap myself out.
Gordon : To hibernate?
Kahuna : Indeed.
Gordon : Someone should shut you down if you ask me.
Kahuna : Bah, you've been trying for years.

Wait, there's more!

Kahuna : Hyena.laugh() elephant.stomp()
Gordon : By PKZIP.
Kahuna : At least PKZIP has a known inverse function
         X-(
Gordon : :-P
Gordon : When was the last time you recovered 
         anything squashed by an elephant then?
Kahuna : I haven't; this is why I'm waiting to see 
         your patent X-(
Gordon : Heh, heh, heh.
Kahuna : Your whole architecture could fall apart 
         X-(

On that ominous note, we take your leave. Gordon's new architecture will be detailed in the Jungle Book, coming soon to CS301 near you. Naturally, no flora or fauna was harmed in the course of this production.

^[1] Dasgupta, S. 1984 The Design and Description of Computer Architectures. John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
^[2] LDIR (LoaD, Increment, Repeat) is a block-transfer instruction in Z80 assembly which can rapidly copy a block of memory from one location to another. More information available here.
^[3] Wikipedia: baobab.
^[4] Earl, M. J. 1989 Management Strategies for Information Technology. Prentice-Hall, Inc.
^[5] Wikipedia: vulture.

Blatant Plummet in Quality

WATFORD, United Kingdom -- BNN have been called in exclusively to perform an impartial review of Kahuna's (Big) last post which, for those of you that have been residing in another planet, is UQ32. This is the 32^nd in a series of extremely hilarious, but true quotes made by members (and some non-members, but close acquaintances) of the Circus.

However, this rendition of UQ is blatantly below the standard of the usual postings and in all fairness, an extremely poor attempt at what promised to be quality keyboardmanship.

Our critics at BNN have been shocked by the current release primarily because Darth Teddy makes only a single appearance whereas it is blatantly obvious that in a 3 month lull that he would have had a UQ series dedicated to himself. If our faithful readers look back on the UQ series they will see that DT plays a vital and extremely humorous part in proceedings, making it a blissful read for all concerned. In UQ32 we are talking bottom of the barrel as some material never before even thought to have been worthy of consideration have also been published. Shocking.

We will stop our review now as it is too painful to continue. In summary, we feel that the quality of UQ32 is well below par and a re-assessment will be made on UQ33 to see if it comes back to the quality that we have come to know and love.

Thank you come again.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 32

Your face probably scared the mailer daemon.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on why her photograph was not delivered by email.

I have always been intrigued with the correlation between scanning cats and one's own illness.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on Computed Axial Tomography.

Apparently the monkeys have already started putting up banners to welcome you back.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, on a proposed expedition to the Yala.

It is the first time that I've seen a groom with hair longer than the bride's.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's hairdo at his nuptials.

I spilt orange juice on the laptop; it's fried.

— Gordon to Kahuna, declaring sinister deeds with a little help from his offspring.

I suggest you get one of those spill-proof baby bottles for yourself.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for causing a flood.

The keyboard on this thing seems to be made with chewing gum: it requires about 10 kPa to trigger a key.

— Gordon to Kahuna, bellyaching about his replacement laptop.

And the Seagate drive is as noisy as a squirrel on a tin roof.

— Gordon to Kahuna, dismissing the decibel as the preferred unit of measure for hard drive acoustics.

I casually mentioned that I was a university lecturer in IT and she toned it down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, admitting that he threw his considerable weight about to silence a luser.

We speak only Australian.

— Huggles to Kahuna, declaring an Australian-only policy.

Palayang ado.

— Kahuna, resorting to the native language to suggest that Huggles should stick his policy down under.

I have fetishes you wouldn't even dream of.

— Huggles to Kahuna, admitting his penchant for obsessions.

I have to recalibrate the Tomahawk.

— Gordon, on his pressing need for Kahuna's current location.

Application of Vaseline would have severely impacted the diffraction grating.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon's offspring had manifested with a DVD-R and a tub of Vaseline.

Your daughter may be attempting to destroy a second laptop with a well-greased DVD-R.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of weapons of mass diffraction.

She is attempting to override her ACL for objects on the table.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his offspring's efforts to access his tablespace and engineer a second flood.

She didn't take too well to the 403 error and has left.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting the result of revoking tablespace privileges.

She is currently transmitting wail packets on the broadcast address.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting further consequences of his actions.

C9 27 55 2A A7 30 B1 30 89 99 D5 0F 51 0A AA 98.

— Kahuna, laying claim to his own 128-bit integer after the AACS encryption key controversy.

Your emotions are not parsed by this channel; you will switch to approved channels.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for expressing an unsupported emotion [ =)) ] on MSN Messenger.

It seems that lawrencium has no known uses, just like you.

— Kahuna, taking an elementary jab at Vandoofus.

It has a half-life of 216 minutes: just like you, if I get my hands on you.

— Vandoofus, resorting to radioactive decay to deal with Kahuna.

They take being "The World's Local Bank" very seriously; in this part of the world, it appears to be the bullock cart.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on HSBC taking two weeks to deliver a security token.

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I am mucking about with the Seven Cores, the RSX and the Holy SIXAXIS.

— Gordon to Kahuna, swearing by a most unholy trinity.

My august personage shall stand no besmirching by thy vile lies, varlet!

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, redeeming his role as the Bart of San Francisco.

I'm not; this is gross photoshopping by that damned Katussa.

— Bartus Maximus to Gordon, denying that his tongue was seeking intercourse with a nearby ear as suggested by damning evidence obtained by Kahuna.

I shall send you a little effigy of myself that you can pay homage to.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, on diversifying into the ornament and figurine business.

Hello, my name is E. Bunny and I am insatiable.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

A Q minor is a C major with an intercontinental delay.

— Vandoofus, explaining the newly discovered minor scale to Kahuna.

I've always believed in government of Kahuna, by Kahuna for Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Gordon, unveiling His manifesto.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

Intercontinental Cacophony in Q Minor

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- A conference call was misused under the auspices of Kahuna yesterday in an attempt at synchronized playing of the guitar between continents.

Sources familiar with the situation said that Darth Teddy in Watford and St Vandoofus in New York had rendered various pieces of music including Tears in Heaven and La Bamba while Kahuna listened from his lair in Panadura, Sri Lanka. The Bear had played an electric guitar while His Holiness strummed an acoustic version. It is understood that the duo were highly taken up with the impromptu concert and are exploring future collaboration in the form of a band, provisionally named Finger. The name is Vandoofus's tamer version of the original proposed by Darth Teddy, a self-confessed expert in form of digital manipulation envisaged.

Speaking with KNN this morning, Kahuna denied that He accompanied the duo with a foghorn, but admitted that in hindsight, He regretted instigating the conference. Kahuna revealed that Darth Teddy had become quite a nuisance to the general public since getting his paws on an electric guitar. He added that St Vandoofus had been mucking around with musical instruments for more than a decade and was mostly tolerated as long as he didn't sing. It is understood that the holy one was wont to perform in a hitherto unknown key à la Cacofonix.

KNN also learns that the musically-inclined Bartus Maximus, firmly ensconced at his Three Guitars Ranch in San Francisco also showed interest in yesterday's proceedings and had threatened to join the next session. The latex magnate was playing a round of golf in his boxers and was not immediately available for interview.

In an obligatory potshot at Professor Gordon, the arch-technologist was not available for comment, having disabled non-essential life functions to better integrate with his newly acquired Sony PlayStation 3. Analysts believe this to be tell-tale evidence of a widening rift with Redmond.

The title of this post was proposed by St Vandoofus who said that the guitar rendition sounded as if it had been keyed in the Q minor scale, also discovered yesterday.

KNN will play the developing situation by ear with mufflers on standby.

Scarface

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Scarface (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna has resurfaced after a self-imposed sabbatical from the Circus. This time in the Yala, with evidence of large felines of the Panthera pardus kotiya species (Sri Lankan Leopard). The individual seen above has been named Scarface due to injuries visible over its left eye.

The Ex-Dictator and other clowns present during this expedition may also blog further evidence if they ever figure out how to do so.

Captured this morning under very wet conditions using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in sports mode. The automatic white balance was quite bogus and all images are adjusted for color and saturation in Picasa. 

The Way of the Ostrich or How to Ignore Climate Change

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- The bungling Shrub and Duck Administration appears to be have consolidated their position in ostrich mode (i.e., head in the sand) on the topic of global warming. Former Vice President Al Gore going around disclosing inconvenient truths doesn't seem to have helped them either.

The New York Times reported recently that the US Fish & Wildlife Service had issued an embargo on its employees talking about global warming, with particular emphasis on polar bears (Ursus maritimus):

Please be advised that all foreign travel requests (SF 1175 requests) and any future travel requests involving or potentially involving climate change, sea ice and/or polar bears will also require a memorandum from the regional director to the director indicating who’ll be the official spokesman on the trip and the one responding to questions on these issues, particularly polar bears.

The New York Times article goes on to say:

The sample memorandums, described as to be used in writing travel requests, indicate that the employee seeking permission to travel “understands the administration’s position on climate change, polar bears, and sea ice and will not be speaking on or responding to these issues.

The full text of the New York Times article is available here.

In related news, Darth Teddy has been traveling up north on a regular basis for the past few months, presumably to sample delicacies including those of culinary origin. The allegedly cuddly one has apparently become a fixture in the northern polar regions, much to the annoyance of incumbent bears. It is understood that Kahuna has threatened to revoke Darth Teddy's culinary concessions at His abode should unauthorized prowling continue. Friction is believed to be on the increase.

KNN will continue to monitor rising gastronomic threat levels.

Gordon Scurries Back in Time to Upstage Kahuna

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Thanks to incessant heckling by Darth Teddy, Professor Ebenezer Gordon has been flushed out of his stronghold in Alpharetta. The arch technologist, who recently had narrow skirmishes with orange juice and tubs of Vaseline, had proclaimed his return by blogging a dimly lit photograph. This is thought to conclusively prove that he was indeed the Creature of Insufficient Light. In UQ27 it was reported that Gordon did not have sufficient brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

Kahuna called a press conference late yesterday and alleged that Gordon had time-traveled to photograph an ancient lamp, thereby claiming creative precedence over His photography. Kahuna further said that Gordon had used his shadily acquired TARDIS, nicknamed the GORDIS (Gordon's Own Relative Dimensions in Space), to commit the reprehensible deed. The GORDIS has not been observed firsthand to this day; however, experts believed that the portly one had used its chameleon circuit to disguise the time machine as a innocuous everyday object. Kahuna pointed out that one need look no further than Gordon's flagship automobile GITT Mk III to discover the camouflaged GORDIS. Calls to Gordon seeking comment were not immediately returned.

Gordon's return has also lead to a dispute between Kahuna and Darth Teddy, with the latter claiming full credit—and payment—for flushing out the volumetric ornithologist. Kahuna has downplayed the Bear's role in the matter and threatened to make payment in latex futures. Sources intimated that Darth Teddy was not amused by these developments.

KNN will provide live coverage of this expanding story.

Luminescent

Luminescent (Copyright © 2003 E Gordon)

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Pictures say a thousand words. This one [taken way back in 2003] says we know where "Kahuna" gets ideas for his photos :-P.

Gordon Claims Writer's Block, Cites Orange Juice

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news just in, it is with absolute amusement that we report that crackpot inventor Ebenezer Gordon aka Professor Gordon has filed for writer's block with the Supreme Court citing dubious antics with orange juice. For those of you who are clueless, the Professor was one of the inaugural contributors to the Circus with various mediocre posts (compared to what has been published in recent times by more accomplished writers). However, for a period of years, from what has been reported, Gordon has failed to lay finger to keyboard with regard to a new post on this masterpiece of a blog.

In order to provide you reasons for this lack of typing, we at BNN had to conduct a number of interviews with numerous colleagues of the inventor to get an accurate picture:

His offspring recently engineered a spill of OJ on his laptop, frying the hard drive.

The clown has now purchased a travel mug to sip OJ.

She turned up with a DVD-R and a tub of vaseline.

She had come into the room, put some books from the bookshelf on the floor and absconded.

I've warned him that his daughter is taking interest in diffractive optics at an early age; a well greased DVD-R could certainly foul up the optics of his DVD drive.

These are just some of the comments that we received. For security reasons we will leave the interviewees names under covers.

Therefore, based on these findings we find that Gordon does not even come close to having a valid reason for absconding from the Circus and has thus been served with summons by the Supreme Circus to get his act together (no pun intended) and return to blogging duties or as the public aptly put it "is he too chicken to face the competition?"

We will await a response from the crackpot inventor and keep you updated. Until then please avoid partaking in the consumption of orange juice in the presence of Gordon.

Tears in Heaven (Featuring St Vandoofus)

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Some weeks ago, St Vandoofus sent Kahuna an audio clip of one of his guitar solos. This lead to the following colorful conversation:

Kahuna    : Your masterpiece just downloaded X-(
            What the fuck was that?
Vandoofus : I thought I'll share what I was playing.
Kahuna    : Thank you X-(
Vandoofus : You're welcome.
Kahuna    : I'm enriched by it X-(
            Exactly what was that?
Vandoofus : Hmm, not sure.
Kahuna    : X-(
Vandoofus : My version of Tears in Heaven.
            Improvised.
Kahuna    : I'm in tears, thanks X-(
Vandoofus : Haha!
Kahuna    : X-(
Vandoofus : It's not that bad X-(
Kahuna    : It is, if it's supposed to be Tears in
            Heaven X-(
Vandoofus : Well, think of it as something else.
Kahuna    : I'm trying, believe me I'm trying X-(

Kahuna remains scarred by the experience and believes Vandoofus should stick to drums. Preferably, alone in a soundproofed room. Kahuna was further disturbed today to learn that Darth Teddy was also making headway in learning to play the guitar. It is understood that the Bear had threatened to practice Tears in Heaven and invade Kahuna's personal space.

In related news, KNN has discovered that Vandoofus's duet with the Ex-Dictator (reported in a previous post) was actually a striptease that ended up in the nude.

KNN intends to get to the bottom of this developing story.

Incandescent

Incandescent (Copyright (cc) 2006 B Kahuna)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- An incandescent lamp radiates a warm, soothing glow at La Rambla Restaurante.

Captured on the night of October 26^th 2006 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on shutter priority (1/160^th of a second) with a resultant aperture of F/4. 

Flagstaff by Morning

Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll wake her softly from a dream she’s dreamin’ sweet.
Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll just gently slip between the sheets.

I promised her one day
my songs would make the big time
and I’d buy her a big house where the hills meet the sky.
Well, I’m still playin’ jukejoints
and every roadside attraction.
My dreams may be grounded but my pick-up can fly to

Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll wake her softly from a dream she’s dreamin’ sweet.
Flagstaff by morning,
she don’t know I’m coming.
Maybe I’ll just gently slip between the sheets.

&mdash Joshua Kadison, Saturday Night in Storyville (1998).
Copyright © 1998 Joshuasongs (BMI).

One of Joshua Kadison's poignant piano rock songs about his life and music. The MP3 version can be downloaded from his website.

This song is dedicated to Darth Teddy, an authority in the type of undercover activities best carried out between the sheets. Despite the context of the Bear, references to Flagstaff, Arizona are not meant to be phallic. According to the Wikipedia:

The city's name commemorates a Ponderosa Pine tree that was made into a tall flagpole by members of a scouting party from Boston (known as the "Flagstaff Tea Party"), on July 4, 1876 to celebrate the United States Centennial.

Interestingly, the capital of Arizona is Phoenix. Again, this is probably just a coincidence. We're in no way suggesting that Darth Teddy should move to Arizona and become a nuisance to the good people of Flagstaff.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 11 - The Cat, the Preacher and the Clown

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- The fallout from Darth Teddy's performance of Jessie at the Bogusan Idol contest continues. On the eve of the nuptials between the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna and Professor Gordon had one of their infamous conversations. This time, it was sparked off by a discussion about the cat Moses. The discussion rambled through recent spam received by Gordon and Kahuna's attire for the wedding before degenerating into a cheesy, late-night infomercial offering multi-protocol, transport-independent prayer in a heterogeneous environment. Read on:

Kahuna : Why would anyone name a cat Moses? X-(
Gordon : Speaking of which, Mrs Moses contacted me.
Kahuna : Mrs Moses? X-(
Gordon : You have to read this X-(

We should explain that Gordon had just been spammed by Mrs Celina Moses of Sierra Leone, now residing in Côte d'Ivoire, but with her email address apparently in Japan. The mail opened with the salutation "BELOVED" and went downhill from there. Mrs Moses had found Gordon's email address after a "desperate search on the Internet" and had then prayed over it. She was offering Gordon 6.5 million smackers of her late husband's loot for religious purposes.

Kahuna : Oh she's prayed over your email address.
         Bless your soul X-(
Gordon : Indeed.
Gordon : I didn't know Sierra Leone was co.jp X-(
Kahuna : Heh heh. I've heard it all now.
Gordon : Exactly. Will you be praying over your email
         address?
Kahuna : I will be praying for your soul.
Kahuna : You will now provide inputs to my attire:
         1. Dark red shirt + red tie.
         2. Gray striped shirt + silver tie.
Gordon : You will swap(ties, shirts).
Kahuna : Red shirt + silver tie? X-(
Gordon : Indeed or the other combination.
Gordon : The tie is meant to contrast, not be
         camouflaged X-(
Kahuna : Now, now.
Kahuna : Your contribution rate to UQ31 is quite high
         tonight X-(
Kahuna : Actually, the red shirt + silver tie looks
         good.
Gordon : Indeed.
Kahuna : Will you bless this attire?
Gordon : Indeed, and I will pray over your FTP server
         as well.
Kahuna : For what reason? X-(
Gordon : An added bonus.
Kahuna : Is this a one-time, never to be repeated
         special offer?
Gordon : That's right, but call now and we'll add a
         weekly prayer over your SAN for free.
Kahuna : Praise the lord.  Are your operators standing
         by?
Gordon : Absolutely.
Kahuna : Do I get a money-back guarantee if I'm not
         satisfied with your prayer?
Gordon : Yes a full refund, and we will pray that you
         come to your senses as well.
Kahuna : But what if your prayer is incompatible with
         my SAN switch?
Gordon : It's guaranteed to be compatible: one million
         satisfied idiots can't be wrong.
Kahuna : Herne protect us!

On that somewhat Pagan note, we end this story. Contrary to popular belief, the Red Sea was not partitioned during these proceedings; Gordon merely experimented in his bathtub. We must emphasize that the resulting overflow caused only a minor flood.

Bogusan Idol

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- During a routine intelligence review conducted a few weeks ago, percussive taxidermist Professor Ebenezer Gordon discovered that known clowns Darth Teddy and Catbert had both secretly participated in what appeared to be an Imperial talent contest. Gordon promptly alerted Kahuna realizing the potential for enormous buffoonery. Kahuna agreed wholeheartedly with the arch-technologist's assessment of the situation and decided to refer to the contest as Bogusan Idol.

At his audition, Darth Teddy had performed Joshua Kadison's 1993 piano rock hit, Jessie. The BMI Award winning song echoes Kadison's turbulent relationship with actress Sarah Jessica Parker in the early 90s and also features their cat Moses. Gordon's agents succeeded in obtaining footage of Darth Teddy's performance and this was duly passed on to Kahuna. Eye-witnesses said that the Bear's performance was highly rated. Darth Teddy is believed to have crooned his way into many a heart in the past and Kahuna reiterated that allegedly cuddly one was a serious risk to female members of the general public. The Teddy Threat Level has consequently been raised to prowling.

Meanwhile, Former Reference Clown Catbert—well known in Gospel music circles—had re-invented himself as hip hop superstar LL Droov J and joined a group calling themselves the Deranged Bulls, or possibly the Rampaging Bulls. Accounts differ as to the precise name of the ensemble, but eye-witnesses agreed that strange hand gestures and hitherto alien dance moves were exhibited during their performance. Music industry insiders said the group should more appropriately have been called the Mad Cows.

Sadly, the rest of the world may never see the bovines in action: video evidence of group's maiden performance has vanished under mysterious circumstances. It is suspected that LL Droov J has used his considerable powers to suppress the evidence before it ended up on YouTube, thereby precipitating a potential Bullgate scandal. In what appears to be a crucial link, footage of the rapper's solo performance in the Bogusan Idol contest is also missing.

Kahuna held a press conference earlier today and commended Gordon's intelligence network for prompt action in gathering the crucial evidence. He added that Darth Teddy was taken by surprise when confronted with crooning in the first degree. The Bear was allegedly on a pizza sampling expedition north of the Sri Lankan capital of Colombo at the time. LL Droov J had been greatly alarmed when informed of the existence of video footage and had vowed that he would take all possible steps destroy the evidence. Although, the rapper appears to have succeeded, Kahuna said that He would be deploying a team of magnetic tape-seeking dogs to get to the bottom of the matter.

KNN continues to monitor this developing story.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 31

Is your mother still blissfully unaware of your tattoo?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy on the status of mandatory disclosures.

Would you like your nipple pierced?

— Darth Teddy, attempting to lure Kahuna to the Dark Side.

You might get excommunicated due to inactivity.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the severe consequences of not blogging.

What dastardly plans have you hatched under the darkness of covers?

— Kahuna, suspecting Darth Teddy of misbehaving beneath the sheets.

I smell nuts.

— Darth Teddy, announcing intent to hunt.

It's so much easier with men.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on successful hunting after his recent policy reversal.

By the way, I will be coming home with you today.

— Darth Teddy, disclosing nefarious designs on Kahuna.

If you have no more use of your gonads, we could go for the cheese.

— Kahuna, noting the price of the cheese platter might require Darth Teddy to pawn no-longer-needed parts of his anatomy.

I don't recall a wolf.

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna's plans to blog about the Way of the Wolf.

I am hungry, bitch; make me some food.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, demanding service in the wee hours of the morning.

Do you realize how much money Durex is loosing each night you don't hump?

— Kahuna, expressing concern over Darth Teddy's uncustomary celibacy.

You're causing a decline in the latex futures market.

— Kahuna, predicting dire economic implications from Darth Teddy's continued abstinence.

You are associating with the wrong types: look at that boy's hair.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's excessively long hair.

It's attempting to use X-ray technology to look under female undergarments.

— Kahuna to Gordon, revealing the Hobbit's plan to use NightShot technology for purposes other than those envisaged by Sony.

In other words, it's trying to catch some bird in the nude unbeknown.

— Gordon to Kahuna, establishing the Hobbit's modus operandi.

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

It's not as effective as I expected it to be.

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, revealing disappointing results after field-testing Sony's NightShot technology under dubious conditions.

Why do they fix this stupid IR filter in front?

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, expressing annoyance with Sony's design of the Cybershot DSC-V1 digital camera.

Will this become Bogusan Idol?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the future of an Imperial talent contest.

Sirasa Super Tart.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the Imperial talent contest if Darth Teddy had anything to do with it.

Send it to me as well, please.

— Darth Teddy, requesting Kahuna for incriminating video evidence of himself dug up by Gordon's global spy network.

Oh she's prayed over your email address; bless your soul.

— Kahuna, noting that Mrs Moses had prayed over an email to Gordon.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

I believe ET faced similar problems.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unable to call home due to a busy signal.

I tell you, QA clowns are from the planet Zork.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure with QA.

I thought they were from Uranus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, challenging the origin of QA.

Plus you can have Playboy on-demand.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on compelling reasons to live in the Land of the Free.

It looks like a chicken in that headgear.

— Gordon to Kahuna, commenting on the Ex-Dictator's turban.

I'm Kahuna; I cannot be explained.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to explain Himself.

Catbert is quite fat.

— Gordon, calling Catbert fat.

Are you suggesting it ain't over till the fat man sings?

— Kahuna, querying if Gordon expected Catbert to perform an aria in full Valkyrie outfit.

I will pose as Snoop Dogg.

— Gordon to Kahuna, outlining his plans to obtain an Amex Centurion Card.

You might have better luck as Dr Evil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a more appropriate masquerade.

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

— Vandoofus, in a wedding message to the Ex-Dictator.

You could add that we have an air bed, depending on the seriousness of the faces.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to deliver a wedding message to the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator.

That might cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

— Kahuna, questioning the aunt-safeness of Gordon's wedding message.

That's a highly dodgy use of a semicolon.

— Kahuna, pausing to critique Darth Teddy's punctuation.

When I'm through with you, your anaconda will need a splint.

— Kahuna, proposing to cramp Darth Teddy's style.

I don't misbehave; it's just that you under-behave.

- Darth Teddy, blaming Kahuna for sub-standard behavior.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

Yup, stainless. Until I come that is; then there are stains.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, contending that his equipment was cast from industrial-grade stainless steel.

No, I like the heat generated.

— Vandoofus, dismissing Kahuna's recommendation of industrial-grade lubricant.

Hugo! Hugo! Hugo!

— Kahuna, riling Gordon by routing for Hugo Chavez.

I was feeling much better in the afternoon and took a bath.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining the circumstances behind his relapse.

As your doctor, I recommend that you be shot.

— Kahuna, writing Gordon a fatal prescription.

Speaking of Sony, I just discovered my TV runs Linux.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unwittingly bound by the GNU General Public License.

This is a violation of your MOU with Redmond.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of double-crossing Redmond.

I will now calculate the total number of speakers I am accountable for around the planet.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attempting to proclaim a sinister new definition of surround sound.

Sixty-three.

— Gordon's Answer to the Question of the Tweeter, the Squawker and the Woofer.

UQ is becoming quite U.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing concern about Unquotable Quotes.

I'm changing to Morse code to be safe.

— Her Royal Highness, learning that Kahuna would be publishing a new edition of Unquotable Quotes.

We'll soon have to put an adult filter on that thing.

— Her Royal Highness, threatening to censor Unquotable Quotes.

The Toast or How the Groom was Spared

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Much buffoonery was unleashed at the recently concluded nuptials of the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator. At the request of the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna made a keynote speech at the venue. Wide-ranging restrictions were placed on what Kahuna could actually say, thanks to the vast troves of photographic and other evidence gathered by Him over a period in excess of a decade. It is understood that an entire year was embargoed. However, most observers agree that the evidence was indeed decadent and might possibly cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

Unfortunately for the groom, his sibling turned out to be a bigger menace than Kahuna. When a multimedia projector and screen mysteriously turned up at the the venue, the groom broke up in a cold sweat and feared the worst. To his credit, he did had the presence of mind to steal the video cable. This was only returned after guarantees that Kahuna had nothing to do with it.

But, we digress. When Kahuna reflected upon the set of all information about the groom and subtracted the set of embargoed topics, His Holy Venn Diagram returned a null set. Perturbed, Kahuna engaged the services of Vandoofus, Gordon, Huggles and Associates to put a spin on things. The global PR firm wasted no time and left no stone unturned in going about this task. They ended up with enough dirt to bury the groom. So much for that idea.

St Vandoofus in particular offered many unbloggable anecdotes about the Ex-Dictator's colorful^[1] past. Some, like stories of suspicious rock-climbing expeditions^[2] and exploding automobiles^[3] were decidedly aunt-unsafe^[4]. Others were profound in their uselessness. One conversation with Vandoofus went like this:

Vandoofus : The Ex-Dictator and I hit the charts with
            the release of our version of Banks of
            the Ohio.
Kahuna    : Banks of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Ya.
Kahuna    : A murder ballad? X-(
Vandoofus : I asked my love to take a walk.
Kahuna    : To take a walk? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, just a little walk.
Kahuna    : Down beside where the waters flow? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, down by the banks...
Kahuna    : Of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Yup yup.
Kahuna    : And only say that you'll be mine? X-(
Kahuna    : Great, this is not what I want to picture
            X-(
Vandoofus : But, it was a hit.
Kahuna    : I'm sure.

Kahuna considers himself fortunate not being in the audience when the aforementioned duet was performed. Vandoofus finally decided to send a message of felicitation to the Ex-Dictator:

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

Professor Gordon also sent felicitations and invited the newly betrothed to his stronghold in Alpharetta. His offer letter threw in an air-bed for good measure. Earlier in the day, Gordon had interrupted the registration proceedings with a personal phone call to the bride and groom. Huggles and Her Royal Highness meanwhile sent cryptic marital advice that appears to have been heavily influenced by the prevailing heat down under.

Kahuna finally decided to ditch them all and play it by ear without also incriminating Himself in the process. He ended up delivering a speech that He considered quite tame by His usual standards. The Ex-Dictator was nonetheless seen fidgeting and wiping his brow during the spine-chilling moments Kahuna spent with a microphone.

However in the end, everything went well. The groom survived the night and the aunts were spared. Catbert provided comic relief and Darth Teddy tried to get Kahuna intoxicated. On that note, we end this episode our continuing tales of buffoonery and mischief.

^[1] Best viewed in Kodak ProPhoto RGB color space, including imaginary colors.

^[2] Not mere geology, but geo-chemical-kinetics according to Vandoofus. This is apparently measured using a seismometer.

^[3] Details remain sketchy, but some form of combustion outside the engine manifold had taken place.

^[4] All things are either aunt-safe or aunt-unsafe when calibrated against a gang of known aunts. Aunt-safeness exhibits direct correlation with the weighted average notoriety of the gang of aunts in question. Most known aunts are believed to fall somewhere between Bertie Wooster's aunts Agatha and Dahlia, who define the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Jessie

From a phone booth in Vegas, Jessie calls at 5 A.M.
to tell me how she's tired of all of them.
She says, "Baby, I been thinking 'bout a trailer by the sea.
We could go to Mexico... you, the cat and me.
We'll drink tequila and look for sea shells.
Now, doesn't that sound sweet?"
Oh, Jessie, you always do this every time I get back on my feet.

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

She asks me how the cat's been. I say, "Moses he's just fine
but he used to think about you all the time.
We finally took your pictures down off the wall.
Oh, Jessie, how do you always seem to know just when to call?"
She says, "Get your stuff together. Bring Moses and drive real fast."
And I listen to her promise, "I swear to God this time it's gonna last."

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

I'll love you in the sunshine, lay you down in the warm white sand.
And who knows, maybe this time things'll turn out just the way you planned.

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

— Joshua Kadison, Painted Desert Serenade (SBK Records, 1993). Copyright © 1991, 1992 Joshuasongs (BMI), Seymour Glass Songs (BMI), EMI/Blackwood Inc.

Joshua Kadison's timeless piano rock hit about his tumultuous relationship with actress Sarah Jessica Parker and their cat Moses in the early 90s. More great music can be downloaded from his website.

The purpose of posting these lyrics will become evident in the coming days. Of course it has to do with Darth Teddy, Professor Gordon and unfettered buffoonery of massive proportions. LL Droov J, the famous rapper formerly known as Catbert will also put in a guest appearance.

Kahuna Retreats: Poses Fermentation as Front

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In a recent turn of events Kahuna has been spotted far far away from the field of battle in a clear act of retreat. Upon this predictable act Kahuna was overheard to be mumbling "my response is fermenting: aging like a fine wine." This is taken to be a feeble attempt at stalling due to a obvious lack of assault tactics.

In other news you might recall Kahuna's dodgy expedition with a certain molecular biologist which was amusingly fronted as a squirrel watching expedition. Well, this past weekend Kahuna was spotted in Wadduwa with this very same molecular biologist. More on this story to come.

Please stay tuned to BNN.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 10 - The Fall of Gordon

LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, Georgia -- Recently declassified documents have uncovered a conversation between Kahuna and Microsoft evangelist, Professor Gordon. It is thought that the deadly exchange was triggered when the arch-technologist suggested a website on ASP.NET:

Kahuna : Firefox has decided not to load that page.
Gordon : Indeed, you will be in the dark forever.
         ASP.NET 2.0 is really neat.
Kahuna : Bah. I will tie you to Ruby on Rails X-(
Gordon : I plan to visit Ruby Falls soon, actually.
Kahuna : A fall can be arranged.
Gordon : Tch tch. http://www.rubyfalls.com.
Kahuna : After the incident, I'll be creating
         http://www.gordonfalls.com.
Gordon : By David Livingstone X-(
Kahuna : Indeed, Go Daddy has parked the domain.
         I will use this to document your fall
         down Ruby Falls.

Kahuna's proposed actions have at least one historical precedent. In Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's short story, The Adventure of the Final Problem, criminal mastermind Professor Moriaty—arch-nemesis of Sherlock Holmes—falls to his doom down the Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland.

Kahuna and Gordon locked horns previously over ASP.NET in The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 6 - Way of the Asp, featuring Julius Caesar and Cleopatra.

Quality Assurance types from the planet Zork may have been harmed during this production.

Big Kahuna Under Pressure by Commanding Force

THE EMPIRE, Colombo -- In recent events that transpired in the uni-directional city of Colombo, we are amused to announce the passing of a long-time clown to the shackled side. This follows a considerably long line of predecessors that includes the Real Kahuna, the Groper, Huggles and Her Royal Highness and the easily forgettable individual formerly known as something that begins with "H". The event itself was quite intoxicating and thoroughly enjoyable owing to the funky attire of the groom.

However, enough about that. We need to move past the this shackling to a completely different location, namely the abode of Big Kahuna where there have been several reported attempts to attack the bachelorhood of said victim by the commanding forcing of a maternal nature. In very accurate reports there have been various inquiries made as to when this current status of bachelorhood will be deemed null and void. Kahuna in this regard has refused to make any public statements to any parties starting right from the maternal inquirer.

After conducting a number of interviews with fellow clowns on a solution to this entertaining issue the wide-felt consensus was that it was long overdue and proactive measure should be taken to amend this situation. We believe various summits with the maternal one are taking place as we speak.

That's all from us at BNN and as a parting note all we can say is that... the search is on.

Templates and Browsers and Crop Circles, Oh My!

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Listen up. We've tweaked the template a bit to improve the look of the blog. The font size for posts has been reduced slightly to improve readability and put a lid on Darth Teddy's bellyaching. The left padding of blockquotes has also been reduced and the top margin has been removed. This should fix some ghastly rendering problems seen by the masochists among you who continue to use Redmond's so-called Internet Explorer (St Dogbert protect us!)

Naturally, our preferred browser is Firefox 2. Predictably, Professor Gordon disagrees strongly and is preparing for a long siege at his Alpharetta stronghold. We understand a bunker is being constructed using public funds.

While on the subject of Firefox, we think it's appropriate to report the buffoonery perpetrated by the Linux User Group (LUG) of the Oregon State University (OSU). In August last year, a group of twelve clowns—mostly from said establishment—constructed a 220-foot crop circle of the Firefox logo in an oat field outside Amity, Oregon. The outcome of their buffoonery is visible on Google Earth (45°7'24.52"N 123°6'49.09"W):

 

Below the logo, FX2 is spelled out using one aircraft, five automobiles and a bunch of clowns:

 

More information, including including aerial photographs taken during the construction of the crop circle, is available on the LUG website. The video is available on Firefox Flicks.

This buffoonery was first witnessed on Google Sightseeing.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 4 - The Way of the Wolf

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Today we disclose a recent conversation between Kahuna and Darth Teddy. The Anaconda Keeper's reluctance to engage in lupine behavior has been deemed to be most puzzling:

Kahuna      : We could sit around and bay at the
              moon.
Darth Teddy : Eh?
Kahuna      : It's a full moon.
Darth Teddy : Er, yes.
Kahuna      : It's traditional to hold a wolf
              congress[1].
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : Clearly, you don't speak fluent
              wolf X-(
Darth Teddy : Clearly.
Kahuna      : Indeed, I recall you didn't even
              speak sheep[2] X-(

No wolves or sheep were harmed during this production. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.

^[1] Although, howling wolves are frequently associated with the full moon, there is little evidence to suggest direct correlation. Further information is available on the Wikipedia and Wolf Song of Alaska.

^[2] A reference to the controversial Bernisdale Fiasco.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 30

Tell him to bring the charger and come: an industrial charger.

— Vandoofus, challenging Darth Teddy's bid to become the Energizer Bunny.

He wouldn't be a challenge to me even without an initial charge.

— Darth Teddy, reacting to Vandoofus's highly charged challenge.

Indeed, it keeps you on your toes.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told he was unmanageable.

The Wii is on the way, complete with strap.

— Kahuna, proposing to deal with Gordon's newly commissioned HDTV.

Very well, I shall check my paws on someone tasty.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to keep his paws in check.

Your activities on Mars are noted.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of answering a call of nature on Mars after NASA's discovery of recent water on the planet's surface.

Are you responsible for the developing situation in Fiji?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a military coup.

People like you should have their mouse confiscated.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon had bungled a fund transfer by selected the wrong bank branch from a drop-down list.

The details of the plan are unknown: it appears the City's Finest will be counting on the element of surprise.

— Kahuna, informing Gordon of impending traffic bungling in Colombo.

Your refusal to distance yourself from Redmond is noted.

— Kahuna, on Gordon's Microsoft Only policy.

The WE_KNOW_WHAT_WE_ARE_DOING bit is set.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great disturbance after reviewing Canon's Flash Work website.

They have taken a 64-bit register and set the whole thing, if you ask me.

— Kahuna to Gordon, quantifying the disturbance caused by Canon's Flash Work website.

Nonsense, I am only a risk to the females in the general public.

— Darth Teddy, qualifying Kahuna's allegations of being a risk to the general public.

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

You've soaked the funds in helium have you?

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon was about to transfer floating funds.

Various missives sent from Alpharetta via aircraft, have manifested.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, announcing the arrival of a propaganda from Gordon.

Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy, exasperated with Kahuna communicating without conveying information.

He's sent a letter by airmail.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reluctantly switching to standard English.

You mean you're in the garbage bin?

— Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna was indisposed.

Why is that idiot building an airport in the middle of nowhere?

— Gordon to Kahuna, raising serious concerns about Weerawila International.

It's helping Hambantota. Now you can visit the Yala easily.

— Kahuna to Gordon, justifying Weerawila International.

I have been vindicated: squirrel research is mainstream.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, defending his research interests.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

Is this like Han Solo starting up the Millennium Falcon by beating on it?

— Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy's was still starting up his computer.

Han Solo would be in hyperspace by now.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy's continued absence.

The Gordon-Teddy Birthday Greeting Protocol (GTBGP)

MARINA DEL REY, California Republic -- Crackpot inventor Professor Ebenezer Gordon and Energizer Bunny contender Darth Teddy recently proposed a mechanism for securely exchanging birthday greetings over the Internet. The Gordon-Teddy Birthday Greeting Protocol (GTBGP) is an application-layer protocol that operates on top of the Transmission Control Protocol (TCP).

KNN learns that the GTBGP was first tested on Darth Teddy's birthday with explicitly spectacular results that exceeded all expectations:

Gordon      : Ado! [SYN]
Darth Teddy : Hooo! [SYN-ACK]
Gordon      : Felicitations. [SYN-ACK-GREET]
Darth Teddy : Spank you. [SPANK]
Gordon      : Happy bitchday, O clown. [BITCH]
Darth Teddy : Come to papa, slut. [OUT-BITCH]

In an interview with KNN, Gordon said that GTBGP was a robust, but flexible protocol that supported an unlimited number of [BITCH] and [OUT-BITCH] sequences. The arch-technologist further stated that he would be publishing an Internet Draft shortly. Darth Teddy added that he was already working on a physical-layer implementation of the protocol, but declined to elaborate on the mechanical specification of the interconnect.

In a later press conference convened to bitch about the state of the planet, Kahuna questioned the need for a physical-layer implementation pointing out that He had long ago mastered this. He was quick to add that Gordon, Darth Teddy and others had already been at the receiving end of physical-layer buffoonery including, but not limited to carnivorous plants, premium ice cream, suspicious reading matter and other unmentionable objects with a very low coefficient of dynamic friction.

Kahuna charged that the cuddly one was using this opportunity as an excuse to get physical with all and sundry. Darth Teddy dismissed Kahuna's allegations stating that his proposed implementation would be cuddlier and longer-lasting. Fellow Energizer Bunny hopeful, St Vandoofus was not available for comment.

On that highly contentious note, we end this post. Hasta la vista, baby!

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 3 - Claus for Concern

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Now that the Monster has officially ushered in the new year, we proceed with the business of clearing the backlog. It has come to our attention that Darth Teddy has been helping himself to um, Santa's little helpers. Shocking details below:

Kahuna      : Merry Christmas! I have awoken.
Darth Teddy : Ah, wish you the same. I was forced to
              awaken.
Kahuna      : By Santa?
Darth Teddy : I wish.
Kahuna      : Gah, I knew you had a thing for Rudolph!
Darth Teddy : More like for Santa's little helper.
Kahuna      : I thought they were all male X-(
Darth Teddy : Not in my world.
Kahuna      : "Darth Teddy admits to sordid tryst with
              Claus aide."
Darth Teddy : Now, now.
Kahuna      : Now we know what those reindeer games
              were all about X-(

Hibernation does not seem to have been on the agenda and Darth Teddy has not let his paws idle. We will continue to monitor this situation, which has clearly gotten out of hand.

No reindeer were harmed during this production, but we can't vouch for Santa's helpers.

Ushering in 2007 - New York Style!

10..09..08.. ..O1 Second to 2007 in Sri Lanka! (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


Happy New Year Sri Lanka! (Copyright © The Monster)


Christina Aguilera Entertaining the Crowd. (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


Rascal Flatts Entertaining the Crowd. (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

TIMES SQUARE, New York -- It was indeed a great sight to witness a New Year's countdown in honour of Colombo, Sri Lanka at the center of Times Square at 01.30 p.m. on New Year's Eve, 2006!

The Google Reader and A Walk Through Durham Township

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- For those of you who've not tried out the Google Reader, the time is nigh. This is a nifty web-based feed reader that has preset bundles (news, sports, photography, science etc.) to get you started. You can even star your favorite items and share them with others off a web page or feed.

The photography bundle is highly recommended. This is where I came across A Walk Through Durham Township, Pennsylvania, a photoblog by Kathleen Connally. She uses a full-format 12-megapixel Canon EOS 5D and here's a selection of her work:

• The Woot Shung Walking Stick
• Running the Combine at Dusk
• The Old Farmall 300 in the Dinosaur Shed
• Raking Alfalfa
• Picking Blackberries
  
• In the Pool
  
• Manfred's Herd

Of course, it's much easier to view all this in the Google Reader. Get in there! Microsoft evangelist Professor Gordon is advised to jump on the bandwagon before his Christmas stockings end up filled with Zunes—lumps of coal being more aesthetic and having higher market value. Not to mention heating value.

Three Years of Highly Defamatory Blogging

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- During the last three years, quite a lot of content has been generated. The last highly inflammatory rant by Darth Teddy was the 500^th such post. Kahuna indicated that He would retaliate appropriately to the cuddly one's overactive imagination during the weekend. Fur, He indicated, would fly.

In the meantime, the much-maligned background quotation marks—generated by blockquote markup—have been consigned to the depths of the East River.

The label widget has also been added to the sidebar under the blog archive. Of historical posts, only the Unquotable Quotes series is currently labeled in entirety.

Dubious Activity Towards the South

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- Amidst several attempts to syndicate this news item we at BNN have finally been able uphold justice through this exclusive. As may of you are aware the Kahuna (Big) has been posting a number of dodgy pictures portraying furry rat-like creatures known to some of you as squirrels. However, we at BNN have exclusive behind the scenes footage (amongst very wet conditions) of what actually transpired during this R-rated weekend of "squirrel photography."

Two weeks ago on an undercover dining expedition with Kahuna (Big) by one of our star reporters, Kahuna let slip some very interesting information about an expedition that he undertook, under very wet conditions. This expedition took him 45 minutes away from his abode (which is also in the depths of the jungle) further into oblivion to a location aptly named Ben(d)tota. The general public thus far has been tactfully subjected to images of these furry creatures as a front to the actual goings on.

Our start reporter, DT we shall call him, almost fell out (or was he pushed) of the vehicle he was traveling in at the time when Kahuna revealed sensitive information to the effect of not, I repeat NOT engaging in this expedition alone. *Gasp*

In order to negate any further suspense we can now reveal that Kahuna (Big) did in fact engage in this expedition with a thus unnamed Molecular Biologist. Unfortunately, we were unable to ascertain the name of this biologist. However, we must stress that a very noticeable blush was released right after Kahuna (Big) uttered the word "molecular."

Of course there were strong denials that anything slippery went on in the space that was shared within this squirrel and biologist infested arena. This was widely expected as almost no one admits to a good time with fur and molecules together.

Unfortunately, no further information could be squeezed out of the now blushing Kahuna (Big) due to recognition of his blunder. We at BNN will however attempt to follow up on this exclusive and try to gain much more juicy information.

We must stress that other than obscene imagery of the furry rat-like creatures, no squirrels were harmed during this expedition, but unfortunately no guarantee can be given to any molecules or biologists in question. We hope you have enjoyed this breaking news and until next time... good night.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 29

That's why they call me the Energizer Bunny.

— Vandoofus, establishing his credentials.

No, no, my snake was played with a while ago.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, pleading no contest to snake charming.

Unbloggable content usually implies me.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, attempting to amass rights to all questionable content.

Do you want half-naked pics of Darth Teddy posted on the Circus?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, lobbying for a private blog.

I don't want them posted anywhere.

— Vandoofus, vetoing Kahuna's bid for a private blog.

I see you're engaging in religious observances.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy engrossed in premier league football.

Nonsense, your accusations are false: I never stopped.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being accused of being on the prowl again.

Your imagination should be put on a leash.

— Gordon, seething over Kahuna's latest defamatory posting.

You will note I am entitled to pay tax here, but not to vote.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the land of the free.

Now all we need is to interface this with the ICBM guidance system.

— Kahuna to Darth Ching, proposing ballistic missile delivery to IP address using www.ip-adress.com.

Having an accident in the rain in a 150 mph device with a load of lithium-ion batteries could get quite interesting.

— Gordon, assessing the impact of a high-speed collision in a Tesla Roadster under wet weather conditions.

Will these batteries be made by the explosives manufacturer, Sony?

— Kahuna, querying the source of the Tesla Roadster's lithium-ion batteries.

Are you lighting the bonfires? No doubt you will be leading the cattle home shortly.

— Kahuna, seeking to implicate Gordon in an ancient Samhain ritual.

I have stockpiled chocolate.

— Gordon, announcing preparations for Halloween.

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

As whom are you dressing up tonight? Or will you be scaring people as is?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's Halloween dress code.

Your broomstick license has been approved; keep out of the no fly zones.

— Kahuna, announcing FAA clearance for Gordon's B-82 Stratosweeper.

Someone should stick a broomstick up your ass.

— Gordon, proposing to deal with Kahuna à la Rumsfeld.

You will also note that capacitor polarities are clearly marked on the board.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pointing out significant safety features of the Apple iMac G5 midplane.

Like a nuclear winter.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being asked about the weather in Tehran.

Did you try multi-party talks?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of Gordon's refusal to negotiate.

Is that like an orgy?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on the definition of multi-party talks.

Oh, I was chatting with Gordon yesterday. He is still determined to pursue nuclear technology.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, noting a breakdown in multi-party talks.

A Plutonium Delight?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, suggesting a deadly dessert from Kim's.

Yeah, topped with caesium.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, selecting a decidedly explosive topping for the Plutonium Delight.

We will go for option one, option two seems too easy.

— Darth Teddy, opting for the Sour Cream Apple Pie with Streusel Topping rather than the Ice Cream with Rum Sauce for dessert at Kahuna's.

Keep an eye on the tart.

— DCI Kahuna, instructing DS Darth Teddy to place an apple pie in the oven under surveillance.

I'm taking a break from females.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing an abrupt policy reversal.

Squirrels might not have been harmed, but I'm sure a few were blinded.

— Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of Kahuna's squirrel photography.

Hogwash. I've always been armed with a pencil and ruler.

— Kahuna, denying Darth Teddy's allegations of not knowing when to draw the line.

It looks like they've missed the polonium while they were confiscating liquids.

— Kahuna, commenting on radiation being detected aboard British Airways aircraft after the Litvinenko affair.

Now you'll be frisked with a Geiger counter at the airport and all those Rolex watches with radium dials confiscated.

— Gordon, predicting an elevated level of lunacy in air travel.

Do you think my portrayal of Kim in KGM9 is Oscar-worthy?

— Kahuna to Gordon, eying an Academy Award for his role as an unstable despot.

It's interesting that none of your bungles are included.

— Darth Teddy, accusing Kahuna of expunging His unquotable quotes from the official record.

Would you like me to align Saturn in a more favorable manner so you can proceed?

— Kahuna, offering to move planets to mobilize a procrastinating Gordon.

Team Members Widget Operational

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Darth Teddy has crossed over to the dark side. Well, to the Beta at least. Consequently, the team members widget is functioning again and has been put back on the sidebar. It appears to need at least two accounts on the Beta to work.

Clowns should switch by logging into Blogger and then following instructions on the dashboard.

We're Back with a New Look!

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- After a whole weekend of fiddling with the layout mechanism of the Blogger in Beta, we're back with a new look. New posts and changes to posts are now saved to the database and dynamically served on demand. The dreaded publishing indicator is no more. Yay!

We had to remove the list of team members because that wasn't being generated correctly with a link to everyone's profiles. We'll put that back once it's fixed. In other noticeable changes, the blog archive has a new format and we've got a cleaner overall feel. The Beta supports labels (tags) for each post (like in Gmail and Picasa). You can see them at the bottom of this post. A label list will be added to the sidebar later.

One other important change: a Google account is needed to use the Beta. According to Blogger, you'll be invited to switch the next time you login with your existing Blogger account. Holler if you need help.

Well, that's it for the moment. Do send feedback about the new interface. Happy blogging!

Welcome to the Beta

BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- We've just migrated to the new Beta. Finally. Some more work needs to be done to switch from the old template system to layouts, so things may not work as they should right now.