Akhenaten

Akhenaten (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2007)

ALEXANDRIA, Egypt -- The visage of the heretic pharaoh Akhenaten, father of Tutankhamun, at the Alexandria National Museum.

Akhenaten, originally known as Amenhotep IV, reigned between 1353 BC and 1336 BC during the Eighteenth Dynasty and is believed to have advocated the monotheistic worship of Aten (the disc of the sun) as opposed to the sun god Amun-Ra and the pantheon of Egyptian gods.

Captured on 5^th November 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) at ISO 1600 resulting in an exposure of 1 millisecond.

Interestingly, Professor Gordon is believed to bear a striking resemblance to Akhenaten according to a previous post by Kahuna. 

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna categorically denied the allegations made by Vandoofus in his last post, calling them "unadulterated baloney." He went on to note that if there was anything anomalous going on, it was more likely to be centered around Murray Hills, NY.

Offering evidence of such activity, Kahuna noted that bickering between Hasbro and Mattel—who own the rights to Scrabble in the United States and elsewhere respectively—have made it is impossible to play Scrabble online between clowns located in the aforementioned locales. Except if one happened to be located precisely in Vandoofus's apartment in New York. For reasons that are unclear at this time, Vandoofus was able to play Scrabble Worldwide, presumably whilst partaking of alcoholic beverages in his underwear.

Kahuna disclosed the following dialog to support His claims:

Vandoofus (V): Oh funny thing, if I log into Facebook from any other IP address, it says can't open Scrabble in North America. But, it seems to work from home.
Kahuna (K): So you're saying your home is not in North America?
V: Appears to be so.
K: I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the Union.
V: I don't think its that, I think the space in which my home is located is in another plane, another dimension.
K: Well, considering that the occupant is not entirely from this planet...
V: Entirely? Part of me is?
K: Yeah, you'll need to figure out which part.

Kahuna declared that Vandoofus would not be permitted to secede from the Union and said that a contingent of armed bears had been dispatched to contain the insurrection. Military analysts familiar with the situation said that Kahuna's action appeared to be successful and Vandoofus's apartment had been re-integrated with the Union. They confirmed that Vandoofus could no longer access Scrabble Worldwide, much to his annoyance.

Vandoofus was not immediately available for comment as he was busy reviewing his component parts to determine their origin.

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 1 - The Data Controller

MURRAY HILL, New York -- Due to the unusually high volume of bogus dialogs between Vandoofus and Kahuna, Vandoofus has decided to document some of these on the Circus. The following is the first and the most recent of many such dialogs—which also incidentally, divulges insight to Kahuna's suspected anomalous sexual habits. This was unintended and any innuendos to Kahuna's personal life is purely coincidental.

The dialog began after a message intended for one Kim (Name changed to conceal identity) was mistakenly sent to Kahuna.

Vandoofus (V): Kim, are you working on the Data Controller?
Kahuna (K): I'm not Kim X-(
V: Ugh! It's your skirt.
K: Are you working or having cybersex? Or is it the same thing?
V: Did that sound like cybersex to you?
V: I wonder how you have sex X-(
K: I don't know what type of weird sex you are into X-(
V: You are the one who inferred sexual activity from, "Kim, are you working on the Data Controller?" X-(
K: Naturally, you're using some form of code :-P
V: X-(
K: You got so excited that you typed in the wrong window X-(
V: You have a Data Controller fetish? X-(
K: I didn't think such a fetish was possible
K: You have proved me wrong once again :-p

Kahuna Demands Probe into Battle of Trafalgar

LAS BOGAS, Nevada -- Kahuna held a press conference a short while ago and demanded that the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navanethem Pillay, institute a war crimes probe against British Vice-Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson. Kahuna said that Nelson, since deceased, should be investigated for his involvement in the so-called "Battle" of Trafalgar in 1805, where he brutally attacked Napoleon's fleet which was on its way to a picnic off Cape Trafalgar in Spain.

Kahuna charged that Nelson was responsible for the loss of thousands of lives and went on to note that the combined Spanish and French fleet lost 22 of their 33 vessels while Nelson did not loose a single ship. This He said, "is by far the clearest indication that Nelson executed a cunning and well-planned ambush against a fleet of unarmed vessels." Arguing that Napoleon's was fleet retrofitted to carry a cargo of wine and cheese, Kahuna remarked that, "they could only defend themselves with small arms fire and were hopelessly out-gunned." Kahuna also questioned whether Nelson had used illegal weapons to decimate the picnickers.

"People like Nelson have taken away the right of the people to peaceably picnic," Kahuna thundered, conceding nonetheless that wine in question, so soon after the French Revolution, would have been of rather dubious quality.

Kahuna urged Pillay to call a special session of the UN Human Rights Council to look into the war crimes committed by Nelson during the incident at Trafalgar in particular and throughout his career in the Royal Navy. "Nelson had a history of sailing all over the place and arbitrarily thumping people. Were it the West Indies, Corsica, Cape St Vincent or Alexandria, it was the same story; destruction lay in his wake," Kahuna said.

When questioned about plans to unseat Nelson's statue from atop its perch at Trafalgar Square in London, Kahuna said He fully supported the move and proposed that it be replaced with a statue of the Indian film actor, Rajnikanth.

Pillay was understood to be huffing and puffing elsewhere and was not available for comment.

KNN will continue to bring you live coverage of this developing story.

Cavatina

She was beautiful,
Beautiful to my eyes.
From the moment I saw her,
The sun filled the sky.

She was so so beautiful,
Beautiful just to hold.
In my dreams she was spring time
Winter was cold.

How could I tell her
What I so clearly could see
Though I longed for her
I never trusted her completely
So I never could be free.

Oh, but it was beautiful
Knowing now that she cared
I will always remember
Moments that we shared

Now it's all over
Still the feelings linger on
For my dream keeps returning
Now that she's gone.

For it was beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful to be loved.

— Stanley Myers (music), 1970; Cleo Laine (lyrics), 1973.

Composed by Stanley Myers, Cavatina is more memorable as the instrumental theme from the Oscar award winning movie, The Deer Hunter (1978), where it was performed by guitarist John Williams.

The lyrics written by Dame Cleo Laine was originally sung as "He was Beautiful," accompanied by John Williams. The version above ("She was Beautiful") was record by Paul Potts for his debut album, One Chance in 2007.

A flawless acoustic guitar rendition of the music performed by Swedish classical guitarist Per-Olov Kindgren can be found on YouTube as is a live rendition by John Williams and a colorful piano rendition by Lana Gnus. The version above sung by Paul Potts is also available on YouTube.

A Suffusion of Green

 
A Suffusion of Green (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2007)

ELLA, Sri Lanka -- An unidentified species of ivy or creeper on a rock wall in the garden of Ambiente in Ella.

Captured on 19^th March 2008 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.0) resulting in an exposure of 1/80^th of a second. The enhanced contrast was achieved by setting the Picture Style to Clear.

See also, A Suffusion of Yellow.

Samanala Wewa from World's End

 
Samanala Wewa from World's End (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2006)

HORTON PLAINS, Sri Lanka -- A view of Samanala Wewa from World's End using a 300mm zoom lens. The reservoir dam is at the lower left-hand corner of the image, partially obscured.

Captured on 29^th July 2006 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in landscape mode (aperture of f/7.1 exposed for 1/500^th of second at ISO 100).

It was a very hazy day and Picasa did a pretty good job of cutting through the haze using the I'm Feeling Lucky one touch adjustment. A speck of dust that had lodged itself strategically on the sensor was also digitally removed and the color balance adjusted in Picasa. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 39

This is like trying to find the cheapest airfare between Reno and Addis Ababa.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on comparing mobile phone service plans.

I didn't want to get off even after a fourteen hour flight.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being kicked upstairs to the upper deck of an A380 from Dubai to New York, complete with bar, in-chair massage functionality and fully flat bed.

In other news, the cat has hogged the bed in a manner that makes occupation difficult.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a late-night feline infestation.

You're messing with pussy in the dead of night.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the situation.

Kahuna my ass, you can't even relocate a cat.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling what should have been a routine feline extrication.

You'd think for a country that makes regular trips into outer space, they can get a voting system sorted out.

— Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

Nonsense, Diebold doesn't make the space shuttle.

— Kahuna's Rebuttal to Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

I suggest you move to Tibet and renounce your worldly possessions.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on learning that his autonomous wife was at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

In other news, we successfully simulated a visit by Santa for my daughter's benefit.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of an elaborate hoax perpetrated on Christmas Eve.

Did you use isolinear projection by Star Trek? Oh wait, you have Santa's radar profile, all you needed would have been the beard.

— Kahuna, experiencing an epiphany while discussing Gordon's Santa impersonation.

You think my wife would allow cake at this ungodly hour under any other circumstance?

— Gordon to Kahuna, defending a midnight feast on the occasion of his birthday.

If the missus reads this I'll be advised to go live with any of the three mentioned.

— Gordon, warning of dire consequences should his autonomous wife discover Kahuna's posting on Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory.

Your activities with pungent fruit are getting me down.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna lobbing a Durian in his direction.

You will note that only heads of state who are current or former terrorists visit these parts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a visit by the Abbas, hot in the footsteps of the Ahmedinejad.

Since I don't have a personal quarry, I had to pay for the stone.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on replacing counter-tops with granite at great expense.

She's at about 2.36 Rai.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on Halle Berry being named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine in 2008.

Earlier, there was myth that every company I worked for went bankrupt; then it expanded to every industry I worked in and now, every country.

— Vandoofus's Generalized Insolvency by Association Principle.

Indeed, I'm still reliant on Georgia Power.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting a delay in receiving his reactor from Kim.

Its modus operandi appears to be to slow down the client such that virii get fed up and leave.

— Kahuna to Gordon, commenting on the workings of McAfee's quasi-bogus anti-virus products.

They're promoting casual sends by the Pope.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a hardline view on Gmail's new undo send functionality.

You'll be taking refuge in Tehran?

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the need for a new hiding place given the thawing of relations between the US and North Korea and the warm and fuzzy relationship with *f* .

Er no, I will extend Interstate 10 to Pyongyang.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his industrious plans to make the best out of an early spring.

There are no laws against this, especially in late October.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being accused of harboring the Monster.

This now brings the total CPU count to 7, 15 if you're counting cores.

— Gordon to Kahuna, upping his processor count after an unscheduled second-hand hardware purchase from an apparel vendor of oriental persuasion.

Anything can happen in these tiny Chinese novelty shops; some are believed to appear and disappear mysteriously.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of the dangers of dabbling in wandering shops.

Maybe you can pick up an old Freon plant the next time you visit your grocer.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's second-hand shopping expeditions.

I locked out my password today by accidentally pressing Alt+Shift after a screen saver lockout and switching the language to Sinhala.

— Kahuna to Gordon, confessing to bungling in a native language.

I'm more interested in King Solomon's porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the discovery of King Solomon's Mines.

I'm not your muse.

— Kahuna, declining to provide creative input to Vandoofus's latest blog.

You're right about that; you're my bitch.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, under the influence of unknown hallucinogens.

There was never a rift; we never pledge allegiance to the Leader like the Apple folks do.

— Gordon to Kahuna, clarifying his relationship with Redmond.

If someone threw things at my embassy, I would retaliate by autocannon.

— Kahuna's Unequal and Opposite Reaction Policy.

These pussy-loving foreign ministers should have had theirs removed during the meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, advocating impromptu castration as part of His Foreign Policy.

If Dorothy wandered into your closet she would conclude fairly quickly that she was no longer in Kansas.

— Kahuna's Wizard of Oz Interpretation of Gordon's Closet.

The potential difference became zero; did you bring your closet online?

— Kahuna to Gordon, investigating a mysterious loss of power.

My daughter has found fascination in the metronome feature of the piano much to my annoyance.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being forced to keep time by his increasingly autonomous daughter.

Well it has to be plugged in to be useful, and besides when it doesn't respond, she thumps it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his daughter's maintenance analysis procedure for an unresponsive piano.

Percussive maintenance at such an early age; she will outdo you, I tell you.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon to expect polarity-reversed capacitors plugged into his power outlets.

Where were you on or about 1903?

— Kahuna to Gordon, discovering the existence of the Gordon Brothers Group established in the early 20^th century and fearing the worst.

The Vatican should be thumped with a rubber truncheon.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation with Benedict XVI's stance on prophylactics.

I'll steal your pics.

— Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

Watch your nuts.

— Kahuna's Subpeona^[1] Defense to Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

^[1] Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." (Anon).

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 25 - The Great Lollipop Caper

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Today we bring you the much-anticipated pilot episode of Gordon, P.I., the new detective thriller starring arch-zoologist and percussive taxidermist, Professor Ebenezer Gordon.

It began like any other day in Alpharetta, but soon hit a rather sticky note when Gordon discovered mysterious lollipop smears on his piano, which were not deemed necessary for the normal functioning of the instrument. After pausing to break the silence with an explosive sound reminiscent of a diesel engine backfiring in the early hours, Gordon leaped into action and quickly surveyed the scene of the crime.

Satisfying himself that a hidden, albeit sticky, hand was responsible for the act of vandalism, Gordon meticulously listed the possible suspects and quickly eliminated the flying monkeys and the Easter Bunny using tried and tested methods handed down by Sherlock Holmes. Gordon concluded that, after eliminating the impossible, the evidence pointed to none other than his daughter being the mastermind behind the dastardly deed. Regular readers will recall that Gordon's daughter is quite a clown and her previous antics are documented elsewhere on the Circus.

Gordon recounted the incident to Kahuna after concluding his initial investigations and this is how the conversation went:

Gordon (G): My daughter has covered the holy piano keyboard in lollipop X-(
Kahuna (K): What flavor? X-(
G: @#$#@%@#%@$%@#$@#$@#$@#$ strawberry X-(
K: By the Tooth Fairy X-(
K: Have you taken her to task? X-(
G: Indeed, she has denied involvement X-(
K: Does she have an alibi? X-(
G: Nothing concrete: I threatened to return the device to the store if a repeat occurrence happens to which she responded, "Okay, okaaaaaay *sigh*."
K: So you're unable to make a case by the Boulder, Colorado Police Department? X-(
G: Indeed.
K: Have you removed the evidence?
G: Indeed, there's still a little left on the C# key X-(
K: And you propose to leave this?
G: Er no, this was cleaned too.
K: This fiasco may give the local ant colony a reason to invade X-(
G: Actually there are no ants in these parts.
K: A good enough reason to establish a local colony in which case.
G: X-(
K: Heh heh.
K: How many octaves did she cover? :-P
G: A complete octave from middle C X-(
K: She restricted herself to a single octave? X-(
G: Indeed X-(
K: By Wolfgang Amadeus X-(
K: And the device was operating when the incident occurred?
G: She turns it on every time she walks by, as she does with most household electronics X-(
K: This is most disturbing by Al Gore X-(
K: Perhaps you should install motion sensors to turn them on and off automatically. This will avoid touching with lollipop-stained hands :-P
G: X-(
K: Either that, or you'll have to shrink wrap everything :-P

Gordon's evidence in this case appears to have been mostly circumstantial and no "smoking lollipop" has been found. No charges have been filed to date and the Lollipop Bandit remains at large.

On that gummy note, we take your leave. Join us next time on Gordon, P.I., when our protagonist investigates the mysterious thermocline in his bathtub.

Chocolate Cheesecake and Berry-Knowles Equivalence

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In the early hours of Friday 24^th April, Professor Gordon spontaneously aged another year. Informed sources said that an unholy midnight feast was mooted to celebrate the event, attended by a decadent chocolate cheesecake. Speaking to Kahuna immediately after the binge, Gordon claimed that it was the "most non-bogus cake on the planet," suggesting extensive firsthand research into desserts.

Given its extreme calorimeter reading, Gordon claimed that the cheesecake was officially sanctioned by his autonomous wife. Gordon's autonomous wife is believed to rule the household with an iron skillet and restricts his refrigerator access outside of approved mealtimes. The infamous chocolate Danish affair during Gordon's reign at the Bogusan Empire is thought to be partly responsible for martial law being imposed in the pantry, dessert research notwithstanding.

After the customary exchange of threats and lipid profiles, conversation soon turned to other delicious topics, with Gordon re-iterating that Halle Berry is "probably the most desirable creature on the planet." A brief aside is called for at this point to explain Gordon's penchant for quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. At around the time he quantified clown nature in the early 21^st century, Gordon also defined the Edividual Quotient (EQ). An edividual--short for edible individual--as the term implies, is one who is sufficiently delectable to be eye candy. Gordon defined Aishwarya Rai to be the Reference Edividual and consequently, the unit of measure for EQ was defined to be the Rai, with its namesake clocking in at 1.0 Rai. End of aside.

Last year, Gordon declared Halle Berry to have an EQ of 2.36 Rai, hence the aforementioned most desirable creature status. However, during the last conversation with Kahuna, Gordon also went on claim that Beyoncé Knowles would be "comparable" to Berry, leading to a formal proof of Berry-Knowles Equivalence. Kahuna is said to have advised Gordon to stash the detailed workings of his Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory away from his autonomous wife, for reasons of personal safety.

At a press conference held today, Kahuna again warned that accidental disclosure may well result in this being Gordon's Last Theorem. He added that half the planet would probably kill to conduct further research in the area.

Answering questions from the media regarding the dearth of writing from other clowns in the Circus, Kahuna declared that most had fallen from their high errand and were now engaged in more pedestrian pursuits. He refused to rule out relaunching the Circus as His Personal Blog, but did confirm that the next edition of Unquotable Quotes would be published in the coming weeks.

The Lamp

The Lamp (Copyright (cc) 2009 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- An old brass oil lamp lit early this morning to usher in the New Year was captured several hours later using a Canon EOS 30D equipped with the highly non-bogus EF 50mm 1:1.8 II lens.

The New Year dawned at 00:47 hrs (GMT+5:30) today and the lighting of the hearth was scheduled at the auspicious time of 05:05 hrs. The partaking of the first meal was mysteriously scheduled for 05:50 hrs. The assorted mystics responsible for this scheduling clearly had no knowledge of cookery and the possibility of concocting the traditional milk rice and accompaniments within a period of 45 minutes was left as an exercise for beta testers.

In related news, Kahuna spent the last four days cleaning His lair which had become an entropic hotspot. Geologically significant layers of items deposited on His table over the course of many years were removed, such that the surface became visible again. And not a moment too soon, according to some geologists who speculated that it was only a matter of time before the formation of fossil fuels.

The photographs above were all captured on shutter priority: the first at 1/60^th of a second at ISO 400; the second at 1/80^th of a second at ISO 200 and the third at 1/80^th of a second at ISO 100. The white balance was set to incandescent, resulting in the rich blue hues. All images have been straightened in Picasa to correct slight perspective distortion.

That's all for now.

May the New Year bring you peace and prosperity! 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 24 - Switches and Routers and Modems! Oh, My!

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- During the winter of 2008, Professor Gordon shared his rising energy consumption statistics with Kahuna. The arch-technologist was still heavily reliant on Georgia Power for his electricity supply due to problems in commissioning his own reactor. A delay in receiving enriched Uranium from Kim appears to have bungled the project plan.

However, we digress. Here's what happened shortly after Gordon provided Kahuna with his electricity bill, complete with trend graphs:

Gordon (G): You will check the trend on page two.
Kahuna (K): @#$@#$@# Has Al Gore seen this? X-(
G: X-(
K: I thought not. You're siphoning energy off the grid for nefarious purposes?
G: I think the wife is.
G: Or maybe it's the Linux server in the coat closet :-D
K: You're using a Freon plant to cool it? X-(
G: Cooling is currently an issue.
K: I can see that X-(
G: The coat closet houses a gigabit switch, a wireless router, a VOIP cable modem, a cordless phone base unit and a server with two drives :-D
G: And a few coats :-D
K: And the broomstick?
G: That's in the laundry room.
K: I'm arranging an FCC and FAA inspection.
G: Go ahead X-(
K: The EPA might also want to join, not to mention the local fire department.

A preliminary inspection of Gordon's coat closet suggested that the permitted technology threshold had not merely been exceeded, but left biting the dust. While coats and coat hangers were indeed present, they seemed oddly out of place and appeared to be mostly for decorative purposes. Perhaps, even camouflage. The Linux server, an ominous sign of the rift with Redmond, appeared to house Gordon's integrated Lair Management System, allowing remote deployment of his porcupine defense—presumably by means of the Telnet protocol.

Kahuna explained to KNN that a technology concentration of this magnitude—in an enclosed space no less—was clearly illegal in Havana, adding that Raul would not be pleased. He said that the RF interference alone ought to have piqued the interest of the FCC had they not been otherwise occupied in hounding the last surviving analog television stations.

However, Kahuna also expressed relief that Gordon was not storing his broomstick, the B-82 Stratosweeper, in the closet. The temperamental craft was last seen during Halloween several years ago when it caught fire and caused Gordon to crash unceremoniously during a test flight. The resulting FAA investigation and altercation with the local coven of witches was believed to have grounded the portly one indefinitely.

When KNN attempted to contact Gordon for comment, he was found engaged in a rather heated summit conference with his HVAC consultant. After some provocation, Gordon admitted to exploring forced-air cooling options, while maintaining that, in the meantime, his closet kept his coats warm.

Readers can rest assured that KNN will continue to fabricate this developing story.

Illinois Restores Pluto's Planetary Status

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois -- In unexpected news, the Illinois Senate unanimously restored Pluto to full planetary status on February 26^th 2009 and also resolved that March 13^th be declared Pluto Day. Clyde William Tombaugh, discoverer of Pluto, was born in Illinois in 1906.

In a widely ridiculed decision, Pluto was stripped of planetary status by the so-called International Astronomical Union (IAU) in August 2006. Kahuna alleged at the time that the hidden hand of Gordon was behind the controversial move. An Act of Kahuna restored Pluto to planetary status several days later.

Senate Resolution 0046, sponsored by Sen. Gary G. Dahl (R), notes that:

WHEREAS, Clyde Tombaugh, discoverer of the planet Pluto,
was born on a farm near the Illinois community of Streator; and

WHEREAS, Dr. Tombaugh served as a researcher at the
prestigious Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona; and

WHEREAS, Dr. Tombaugh first detected the presence of Pluto
in 1930; and

WHEREAS, Dr. Tombaugh is so far the only Illinoisan and
only American to ever discover a planet; and

WHEREAS, For more than 75 years, Pluto was considered the
ninth planet of the Solar System; and

WHEREAS, A spacecraft called New Horizons was launched in
January 2006 to explore Pluto in the year 2015; and

WHEREAS, Pluto has three moons: Charon, Nix and Hydra; and

WHEREAS, Pluto's average orbit is more than three billion
miles from the sun; and

WHEREAS, Pluto was unfairly downgraded to a "dwarf" planet
in a vote in which only 4 percent of the International
Astronomical Union's 10,000 scientists participated; and

WHEREAS, Many respected astronomers believe Pluto's full
planetary status should be restored; therefore, be it

RESOLVED, BY THE SENATE OF THE NINETY-SIXTH GENERAL
ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF ILLINOIS, that as Pluto passes
overhead through Illinois' night skies, that it be
reestablished with full planetary status, and that March 13,
2009 be declared "Pluto Day" in the State of Illinois in honor
of the date its discovery was announced in 1930.

While agreeing wholeheartedly with the spirit of the resolution, Kahuna pointed out that like most elected legislatures, Illinois took a month of Sundays to get things done. He also took the opportunity to further disparage the IAU and implied that it was comprised mostly of individuals who wouldn't recognize an extra-terrestrial if they were abducted by one. Kahuna added that the IAU's narrow field of view was no doubt a side-effect of peering too often into telescopes.

On that controversial note, we leave you. The IAU was busy examining the less brightly lit nether regions of the Universe and was not available for comment.

The Leopard's Whiskers

 
The Leopard's Whiskers (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lankan Leopard (Panthera pardus kotiya) stalks an unseen prey while flaunting its whiskers.

Captured on 23^rd August 2008 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III and Kenko 2X Teleplus Pro 300 teleconverter) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and ISO 1600. The lens was zoomed at 250mm giving an effective focal length of 500mm. This would be equivalent to 800mm in a 35mm camera due to the 1.6X field of view crop on the 30D.

Post-processed to fine-tune color and saturation. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 23: The Way of the Highly Effective (Featuring Miss Piggy)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Greetings, carbon-based and other lifeforms! We're back after many months of peace and quiet—just when you thought it safe to venture out. While we apologize for absconding, we must point out in our own defense that global bogosity has reached unprecedented levels, necessitating a full manual override of the planet. This, you will no doubt appreciate, is a potentially perilous proposition punctuated by petulant porcupines. Not to mention cacti on ballistic trajectories and medical practitioners armed with flashlights.

Fortunately, despite these goings on, Kahuna and Professor Gordon found the time to have one of their infamous conversations last December. This time, they ended up defining a new unit of measure that was, in hindsight, desperately needed:

Kahuna (K): A clown looked at my National ID Card and commented that I look like KT Frog X-(
Gordon (G): This is appropriate.
K: X-(
K: Thump(), mode=miss_piggy
G: Hi-ya?
K: Precisely X-(
G: Are you in drag X-(
K: No X-(
G: I see; I was just curious given the Miss Piggy emulation.
K: That was merely to thump you; You have to admit she was quite effective.
G: Indeed.
K: This could be a unit of measure.
G: The Piggy?
K: The Piggy.
G: As a measure of effectiveness?
K: Hmm, or force.
G: Force is already established by Newton, Pascal et al X-(
K: So? X-(
G: There is no unit for effectiveness.
K: And how would this be defined X-(
G: If you get the job done, that's 1 Piggy.
K: Get the job done? X-(
G: Indeed. For example, B Obama's campaign manager gets 1.36 Pg.
K: And McCain's? X-(
G: -1 Pg
K: I see X-(
G: This HeatSync^® 2500 Mini-Client gets 1.223 Pg for creating tanha.
K: And GWB?
G: About 0.68 Pg, I think.

While Kahuna would question Gordon's unduly generous assessment of George W Bush, few would dare challenge the credentials of Miss Piggy—reputed to hold a pink belt in Pig Wan Do—when it comes to thumping people. Among her many victims have been Kermit and Gonzo, Tony Randall, an environmental inspector and even some cat burglers. It is, therefore, indeed apt that the Piggy (Pg) be named in her honor as the new international (SI) unit for measurement of effectiveness.

Unidentified, self-proclaimed pundits speaking to KNN said that this announcement could not have come at a better time given the prevailing heights of global bogosity. They added that Kahuna and Professor Gordon are no strangers to the dark art of quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. More than eight years ago, Professor Gordon formally declared the Kern (Kn) to be standard unit for measurement of Clown Factor (CF).

The Muppet Show, created by the late Jim Henson, is as funny today as it was when it debuted more than thirty years ago, long before the use of computers in animation and special effects. His characters also appeared on the long-running children's television series, Sesame Street. The muppets' tribute to Henson at his funeral was later described in a LIFE Magazine article by Stephanie Harrigan as an epic and almost unbearably moving event.

Here's to Jim Henson and his puppeteers!

Picturesque Kyleakin

Picturesque Kyleakin (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna) 

KYLEAKIN, Isle of Skye -- More photographs from the picturesque Kyleakin^[1] harbor visited by Kahuna and Darth Teddy towards the end of summer in 2005. The water was calm enough in some places to form almost perfect reflections. The last photograph shows the ruins of Castle Moil in the background.

It is believed that Darth Teddy attempted to get Kahuna intoxicated at the King Haakon Bar on the last night spent on the island. However, to this day, little is known about what transpired, thereafter.

Captured on 10^th September 2005 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1.

More stories and photographs from the Isle of Skye can be found here.

^[1] Pronounced Kyle-AH-Kin. Called Caol Acain in Gaelic, meaning the Strait of Haakon, is named after King Haakon IV of Norway. 

Kahuna Denies Allegations, Hits Back

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna categorically denied St Vandoofus's accusations of megalomania and abuse of power. Calling the charges "ludicrous," He added that Vandoofus was engaging in divisive partisan politics and mud-slinging to cover up his role in the ongoing economic meltdown. He also accused Vandoofus of getting cozy with Governor Palin, saying that "it would take more than moose stew to fix this mess."

Noting that the First Amendment guaranteed the freedom of speech and not the freedom of silence, Kahuna said that "Vandoofus doesn't get it." He added that He was ready for any debate and would vigorously defend His position. He also refused to rule out His constitutional right to use armed bears.

KNN will continue to bring you live coverage of this developing situation.

Freedom of Non-expression

NUEVA YORK, USA -- I have been threatened. The megalomaniacal dictator of the Circus, Big Kahuna, has threatened to kick me out of the Circus if I fail to express myself in the blog. But clearly, the freedom of expression bestowed upon the citizens of the Circus by its constitution also gives the right to not express one's self. So, I have decided to invite Kahuna to 48 hours of continuous debate in which I will challenge his authority and make the case for impeachment.

(I have requested Governor Palin's assistance to formulate flash cards to be used in the debate.)

The Stag

 

 

 
The Stag (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lankan Spotted Deer (Axis axis ceylonensis) stag peeks curiously out of the undergrowth and then poses for our cameras.

Captured on August 22^nd 2008 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and ISO 400. The last two photographs were taken with the Picture Style to Clear. 

Will You Love Me Tomorrow

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure
So tell me now and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow

Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun

Will you still love me tomorrow
Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow
Will you still love me tomorrow

— Gerry Goffin and Carole King, 1960. © 1960 Screen Gems-EMI Music, Inc. (BMI), Screen Gems-EMI Music, Inc. (BMI). Printed lyrics and sheet music are available at Hal Leonard Online and SheetMusicDirect.com.

This song, written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King, was originally performed by The Shirelles in 1960. Since then it has been recorded by numerous artistes and found its way to #125 on the Rolling Stone magazine's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.

The version above, with slightly different lyrics, was recorded by Smokie, and is probably one of the best performances. You can listen to a recording on YouTube here.