Pig in the City – The Big Bad Gordon Story

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In dramatic news breaking from the capital, arch-zoologist Professor Gordon has reported seeing a large pig cross a road in the heart of Colombo.

The mysterious incident is believed to have occurred on D R Wijewardena Mawatha shortly after midnight while Gordon was returning home in his flagship automobile after imperial business. It is not entirely clear why the pig chose to cross the road during a Gordon transit. However, industry sources mused that this may have been a request for hogwash, given Gordon’s support for the controversial Clean Swine Bill.

Speaking to KNN this morning, Kahuna pointed out that the alleged scene of the swine was a known bogon source owing to the presence of institutions such as Sri Lanka Post and Lake House. The latter establishment in particular He said was capable of creating significant reality distortion, resulting in not simply hogs, but even an entire herd of wildebeest, apparently funded by the opposition.

In a further sordid twist to the saga, Kahuna revealed that the arch-zoologist was detained by Colombo’s finest soon after the episode and questioned on suspicion of driving under the influence [drink ekak dhaalada inne?]. A fuming Gordon is reported to have categorically denied the charges and alleged that the constabulary mistook the bouquet of his Adidas after shave for that of an alcoholic beverage--notably Tennessee’s celebrated Jack Daniel’s. The exchange is understood to have involved much huffing and puffing with a rating of at least 80 proof. Unfortunately, the portly one appears to have been subsequently discharged without arrest.

Kahuna speculated that hog sightings might increase in the coming days, given that December 32^nd is Hogswatchnight. When asked if Gordon may be eyeing the post of Hogfather, He replied that it was a distinct possibility. However, He added that Gordon would probably use the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) to bring home the bacon instead of the more traditional sleigh pulled by Gouger, Rooter, Tusker and Snouter.

Professor Gordon was not available for comment and KNN will continue to hog bandwidth until further notice.