The Turing Misadventures: Part 1 - Divine Comedy

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Nearly sixty years ago, Alan Mathison Turing asked, "Can machines think?" in his seminal paper, Computing Machinery and Intelligence^[1]. Turing is considered by many to be the father of computer science and the test of a machine's ability to demonstrate intelligence is named for him. Although, research in artificial intelligence has made great strides, building a machine capable of mimicking the gamut of human intelligence has proved somewhat illusive.

Today we bring you the first edition of the Turing Misadventures, where we try to find answers to the vexing question, "Can machines be clowns?" The important field of machine humor or artificial buffoonery has often been neglected in the quest for artificial intelligence. The concept of "humor" is defined in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as "that quality which appeals to a sense of the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous"; "the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous" and "something that is or is designed to be comical or amusing". It is self-evident that appreciating the ludicrous requires considerable intelligence and truly sublime humor would only be possible with a very large ontology.

Kahuna began experimenting with artificial buffoonery in the hope of replacing ornamental clowns with machines that would do His nefarious bidding. The first experiments were conducted by conversing with iGod, a conversational agent (chatbot) based on Richard Wallace's A.L.I.C.E. (Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity).  A.L.I.C.E. is an extension of Joseph Weizenbaum's classic program, ELIZA^[2], an early example of using natural language processing for interaction with humans. While ELIZA played the role of a psychotherapist, iGod plays God.

Kahuna's first conversation with God did not progress favorably and God stopped responding. Whether this was caused by extreme boredom or a blown gasket remains unknown. Nonetheless, a subsequent conversation did find God in an elated mood:

God (G): It's all good.
Kahuna (K): Are you on weed?
G: I am on disk.
K: Floppy disk?
G: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
K: Are you in a pattern buffer?
G: I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?
K: I'm in the Republic of Boston.
G: How did you get in there?
K: I invaded.

The conversation went south from that point when God bungled the context and spouted gibberish. This was not an uncommon occurrence and Kahuna took God to task for causing confusion:

K: You're not making sense.
G: Quite the contrary, it all makes sense to my artificial mind.
K: So you're not real?
G: Interesting deduction. I am too as real as you are. How do I know you are real?
K: You need to apply a Turing Test.
G: I can think of other things I'd rather do.
K: I knew it. You don't know what a Turing Test is.
G: How did you know? The "Turing Test" is the name given to a variety of experiments designed to test computer thinking. Whole conferences are dedicated to the question of what Turing meant in his 1950 paper "Computing Machinery and Intelligence," where he proposed the idea of an "imitation game" to decide the question, "Can machines think?".

At least, God had heard of Turing. Not to mention North American rodents:

K: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
G: A whole forest.
K: How many trees are there in the forest?
G: More than you can imagine.

God's responses, while rather evasive, were at least humorous. St Vandoofus held his own round of talks with God, probing into the creation of the universe:

Vandoofus (V): Tell me about the Big Bang.
God (G): The purported origin of the universe.
V: Were you around when it happened?
G: I was.
V: What was it like?
G: Like one of the greatest pleasures you can imagine.
V: Like an orgasm?
G: Interesting comparison.

God's admission to an apparent orgy on the night in question seems to validate the Holy One's long-held, dodgy interpretation of the Big Bang. Asking God to solve the controversial Huggles Doughnut Conundrum also led to chaos, but that's another story.

Kahuna's preliminary research suggests that artificial buffoonery holds promise, raising hope of a purge in the Circus. On that note, we take your leave until the next edition of the Turing Misadventures.

^[1] Turing, A.M. Computing machinery and intelligence. Mind, 59 (1950): 433-460.
^[2] Weizenbaum, Joseph. “ELIZA—a computer program for the study of natural language communication between man and machine.” Commun. ACM 9, no. 1 (1966): 36-45.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 41

I didn't say half these things.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being prominently featured in UQ40.

Your liver would secede if it had that option.

— Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

Que? Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy's Foreign Language Retort to Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

I would like to play something besides their hands.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, expressing dubious desires after reviewing the Humanthesizer, consisting of fifteen bikini models.

What if someone sues your pants off?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus on the perils of roaming around without legal representation.

That's the irony: I am likely to need a lawyer when I am not with my lawyer.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to a high potential for misbehavior when unrepresented.

How do I check? Throw a match in or something?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on the correct procedure for examining one's tonsils.

You stand in front of a mirror, open your big mouth and shine a torch into the gaping darkness.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, outlining the more modern procedure recommended by five out of six otolaryngologists.

But, I should meet her in private.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of a circus in honor of Her Royal Highness.

I knew Google was bad news.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna applying facial recognition to His Picasa Web Albums.

Do you think parliament should meet under water?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, noting an underwater cabinet meeting held in the Maldives.

Yes, but without diving equipment.

— Vandoofus, approving Kahuna's watery proposal with a proviso.

Why? Was Huggles chasing you?

— Kahuna, hearing of Vandoofus running two kilometers.

Er, is he here?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing grave concern on the current whereabouts of Huggles.

Fucking Dell rip-off; I am buying a Mac.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, discovering after painstaking diagnosis that Harald Blatand was mysteriously unrepresented on his state-of-the-art Dell XPS 1310 notebook.

Are we presenting Teddy with an inappropriate gift?

— Her Royal Highness to Kahuna, plotting dubious deeds on the occasion of Darth Teddy's birthday.

So you chose Teddy over Doofi? Awww, he'll be hurt!

— Darth Teddy's Consort, learning of Kahuna choosing to deal with Teddy before Vandoofus.

Teddy is cuddlier.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Is there anyone you are interested in?

— Her Royal Highness, seeking to end Kahuna's unsupervised regime through dastardly means.

Other than your sibling?

— Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, seeking clarification.

Birthday sex.

— The Baron to Kahuna, defending an early return home on his birthday.

Just wish you were here too.

— The Baron to Kahuna, proposing a ménage à trois to celebrate his birthday.

Love this place; Gordon lives five minutes from everything.

— The Monster to Kahuna, disclosing the strategic co-location of Gordon's Lair from major amenities including the local Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

Gordon has located himself at the center of the universe?

— Kahuna, alarmed at the Monster's latest revelations.

I haven't been able to consult my lawyer since Tuesday.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to being sequestered by his parents.

I need to have a word with your mother.

— Vandoofus, threatening to invoke a higher power to deal with Kahuna.

Whom do you think your mother will believe? You or me?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, retaliating by raising a point of credibility.

Was the frosting disallowed?

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's confectionery intake being restricted to half a cupcake by his autonomous wife.

You expect us to believe that the plate moved on its own?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a major earthquake in the South Pacific.

You are fortunate that you live in the jungle or you would not be very safe right now.

— Her Royal Highness, warning Kahuna of an imminent offensive.

Oh, you'll summon your contingent of dieting elephants?

— Kahuna, speculating on the precise nature of Her Royal Highness's threat.

I see you're still in the low-frequency noise phase.

— Kahuna, peeved at humming sounds made by Vandoofus.

Very well then, have pleasant dreams that involve neither my brother nor my husband.

— Her Royal Highness, imposing restrictions on Kahuna's REM sleep.

You're seriously limiting my options.

— Kahuna, expressing irritation at Her Royal Highness's restrictive dreaming regulations.

Gordon may well be experimenting with this kind of thing in his laboratory.

— Kahuna to the Monster, observing the explosive results of microwaving a large Electra Bulb.

Indeed, I intend to aid when I get there.

— The Monster to Kahuna, confirming a genetic predisposition towards pyrotechnics.

This rivalry with Batman has got to stop.

— Kahuna to the Monster, taking a dim view of escalating tensions between Gordon and the Caped Crusader.

I will no longer be the Fat One soon, buwahahaha!

— Gordon to Kahuna, announcing a self-imposed exercise regimen.

Holy crème brûlée, Fatman!

— Kahuna, sensing a great disturbance in the barycenter of the Earth-Gordon system.

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace!

COLPETTY, Sri Lanka -- It was announced early this morning that the beloved Blue-eyed Sibling of HRH has given in his Notice of Marriage. There remains a mere two week window of opportunity for any clown who can give substantial evidence of previous involvement with said sibling.

HRH will not be held responsible for any attempts on the lives of such clowns by the future Mrs.

Glaring Leopard

 
Glaring Leopard (Copyright (cc) 2009 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lankan Leopard (Panthera pardus kotiya) glares disapprovingly at cameras as it walks past a jeep full of photographers.

Captured on August 29^th 2009 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III and Kenko 2X Teleplus Pro 300 teleconverter) on aperture priority (f/4.0) and ISO 800, manually focused.

Post-processed to fine-tune color and saturation. 

Buggered by Baguette

GENEVA, Switzerland -- Outright buffoonery was uncovered last week when the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) experienced a cryogenics failure in two sectors due to a sudden loss of electrical power. It turned out to be anything but an ordinary short circuit. The root cause? A piece of crusty baguette dropped strategically onto a busbar in an outdoor power substation, allegedly by some species of bird^[1][2][3].

This would appear to be the first recorded instance of a precision aerial baguette strike causing a blackout.  The LHC had not been in operation at the time and repairs have been already completed at the time of blogging.

Some experts have cautioned that the bird in question might not have acted alone. Speaking to KNN shortly after the incident became public, Kahuna said that he suspected fowl play and implicated well-known volumetric ornithologist Professor Ebenezer Gordon. Kahuna dismissed the possibility of a random bird-bread strike, arguing that the bird in question would not have known where to drop the baguette had it not been professionally trained. He added that the precise mass of the baguette would also have had to be carefully calibrated taking into account the payload of the bird and the minimum mass required to cause an electrical fire.  Kahuna charged that Gordon would have been well-placed to carry out this act of sabotage given his vast expertise in volumetric ornithology including published research on pelicans (Pelecanus spp.) He pointed out, however, that Gordon would have employed a smaller, more maneuverable bird such as a myna (Acridotheres spp.) in this instance.

When questioned about the possible motive behind the incident, Kahuna said that Gordon may have been trying to cause a magnet quench when the LHC was operating at full power.  He explained that this would have caused an uncontrolled dissipation of several megawatts of beam energy causing considerable damage should the quench protection system be unable to dump the beam safely.  This, he said would allow Gordon to promote the Very Small Hadron Collider (VSHC) constructed in his basement as a viable alternative in the search for the Higgs boson.

Kahuna also speculated that Gordon might have been attempting to discover the baguettino, the hitherto undiscovered fundamental particle that is thought to make up baguettes. 

Gordon was unavailable for comment on Kahuna's latest allegations.  Nonetheless, a French bakery trade union took offense at some of Kahuna's insinuations, calling them half-baked.

^[1] “Large Hadron Collider scuttled by birdy baguette-bomber.” The Register.
^[2] “Large Hadron Collider stalled again... thanks to chunk of baguette.” Times Online.
^[3] “LHC 'bird-bread' strike.” CERN.

Shere Khan

Shere Khan (Copyright (cc) 2009 B Kahuna) 

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- A figurine of Shere Khan, from Disney's adaptation of The Jungle Book, atop Kahuna's Knee during a birthday celebration.

Captured on 27th June 2009 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) at ISO 200 with bounced flash. Adjusted for tone and saturation in Picasa. 

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 3 - Of Flannelled Fools and Quantum Mechanics

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Six eventful years have passed since that fateful day in the summer of 2003 when Kahuna created the Circus.  The blog, that is.  Those were the good old days, when Pyra Labs still owned Blogger.  Much has come to pass since.  Now, in the fall of 2009, after more than six hundred posts, one thing remains certain: the blame for the ensuring chaos must lie squarely on the shoulders of St Vandoofus who introduced Kahuna to the art of blogging all those years ago.

Today, we place on record a conversation that took place several weeks ago between Kahuna and the Holy One on the most unlikely topic of cricket.  Kahuna subscribes unequivocally to Kipling's notion of "the flannelled fools at the wicket"^[1] and is no friend to the gentleman's game.  Sadly, His views are in the minority in a land where the national pastime involves chasing a red ball across a green turf.  Like most residents of the native land, St Vandoofus is a card-carrying cricket fanatic who epitomizes the need for a bunch of adults to engage in lobbing projectiles at each other while periodically yelling "howzat?" at the umpire, accompanied by enthusiastic jumping about and weird hand signals.

Despite his usual fervor, Vandoofus was considerably miffed at the dismal performance of the home side the night before, which he had happened to witness in person at the R Premadasa Stadium:

Kahuna (K): Enjoyed the match? :-P
Vandoofus (V): Er no, we lost X-(
K: What did you expect? :-P It's a game of chance X-(
V: It's is NOT X-(
K: It isn't? :-O
V: Are you saying if I was captain of the Sri Lankan team then there is an equal chance of Sri Lanka winning? X-(
K: Winning? No. Loosing? Yes.
V: X-(
K: So this isn't governed by the law of averages?
V: Er, no.
K: Fascinating. So then the result of the match is fixed in advance?
V: No, it's not.
K: Then the outcome is probably determined by the position of Saturn when the coin is tossed X-(
V: Er, no. How about skill?
K: In Newtonian mechanics?
V: No, just play ball skills.
K: That would assume that the ball behaves in accordance with classical Newtonian physics.
V: Sure, why not?
K: Er, because it doesn't. The ball could take one of an infinite number of possible paths between point A and point B, including a squiggly line.
V: OK, so if do go with Newtonian physics and how well a human can apply this physics then it becomes a game.
K: Yes, but the underlying reality is different: the ball doesn't behave the way you want it to.
V: It doesn't?
K: No.
V: It behaves according to the Newtonian physics. So boils down to how well the players can apply this.
K: No, it behaves in accordance with quantum mechanics.
V: Nonsense.
K: You need Feynman's path integrals to solve this problem and as far as I know, the cricket team doesn't consist of physicists X-(
V: The bottom line is, it is a game of physics and humans ability to apply it. Sri Lankans applied it pretty poorly last night. Especially Jayasuriya who repeatedly miscalculated the force/angle ratio until he exerted a little too much vertical force which caused the ball to project upwards to give a New Zealand player a catch X-(
K: Yes, but Jayasuriya didn't factor in the crosswind component, not to mention the solar wind component.
V: He also didn't factor in how old he was and that force applied with a same action is far less powerful than he did 20 years ago.
K: Are you suggesting that he has attenuated?
V: Of course.
K: So, despite being armed with all this data, you visited the venue in person to watch this debacle? X-(
V: Why not? The whole point is how well players apply apply physics.
K: Because you could have made you use of advances in quantum mechanics and watched said debacle unfold over by over from the comfort of your living room, while sipping beer in your boxers, that's why X-(
V: Ah, that's the nice thing about games: there is also the random factor.
K: Ha! So you admit it's a game of chance!
V: Not at all.
K: So you're saying that there's a higher chance of victory if you don't sip beer in your boxers, for instance?
V: It is a game of all universal factors. Of course there is chance and randomness, but lots of physics, application, social stuff, culture and chaos that determined the outcome. Beautiful.
K: Precisely, so unless you have a working knowledge of quantum mechanics it is futile to play cricket. You might as well channel this money into completing the Theory of Everything X-(
V: Depends on your interests X-(
K: You have no interest in the TOE?
V: No. I have interest in how a cricket match unfolds within the TOE X-(
K: I'm sure they'll spare a few sentences in one of the appendices for that X-(
V: You believe in rebirth?
K: This is outside the scope of the current discussion.
V: It is very much part of the TOE.
K: No, despite its name, the TOE does not address everything. For instance, it won't explain why you didn't get lucky on Friday night.
V: It doesn't?
K: No, you might never know the answer to that :-P

Kahuna's blatant attempt to downplay classical Newtonian mechanics, raise the entry requirements for cricket and channel funding towards nefarious purposes did not proceed as He would have liked.

Vandoofus succeeded in locating a scholarly treatise entitled The Quantum Mechanics of Cricket penned by Joe Wolfe, which explains the behavior of cricket balls in terms diffraction and the quantum wave function.  Wolfe concludes that Newtonian mechanics would be adequate to explain the motion of macroscopic everyday objects such as cricket balls, dealing a blow to Kahuna's non-mainstream interpretation of the gentleman's game.

Avid cricket fanatics are advised to make themselves familiar with Wolfe's treatise, such that the next armchair-based expert analysis of Jayasuriya's performance may be deduced more scientifically.  Interestingly, there is some evidence to suggest that the alternate deification and vilification of national cricket teams exhibit direct correlation with the phases of the moon.  However, most experts have dismissed this idea as sheer lunacy. 

On that contentious note, we leave you for now.  St Vandoofus was in a consultation with his lawyer and not immediately available for comment.

^[1] Kipling, Rudyard. “The Islanders,” 1902.

The Hand of Fluke

The Hand of Fluke (Copyright © 2009 B Kahuna) 

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- The hand of Fluke, sporting arcane ink, grabs onto the side rail during a bumpy jeep ride in the Yala National Park.

Captured on 27^th August 2009 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) and a resulting exposure of 1/500^th of a second. Image straightened in Picasa. 

Stalking Heron, Hidden Buffalo

Stalking Heron, Hidden Buffalo (Copyright (cc) 2009 B Kahuna) 

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A grey heron (Ardea cinerea) makes itself an observation deck on the back of an almost completely submerged water buffalo (Bubalus bubalis spp.) at the Yala National Park.

Captured on 21^st June 2009 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III and Kenko 2X Teleplus Pro 300 teleconverter) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and ISO 800, manually focused. The enhanced contrast was achieved by setting the Picture Style to Clear. The lens was zoomed at 300mm giving an effective focal length of 600mm. This would be equivalent to 960mm in a 35mm camera due to the 1.6X field of view crop on the 30D. 

Daybreak

Daybreak (Copyright (cc) 2009 B Kahuna) 

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- The light of daybreak floods the eastern sky an instant before sunrise at the Yala National Park.

Captured on Sunday, 21^st June 2009 at 5:51:52 am with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) and a resulting exposure of 1/500^th of a second. Sunrise on that day was at 5:52 am. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 40

You're in the wrong hemisphere.

— Kahuna, attempting to impose hemispherical restrictions after discovering Vandoofus in Singapore.

I will be in any of the hemispheres I want to be in.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, unilaterally declaring hemispherical independence.

It will be only a matter of time before she's dreaming of capacitors and diodes.

— Kahuna, issuing a warning after learning that Gordon's daughter was dreaming of flowers and butterflies.

I still dream of the day I kick your ass wearing Stanley work boots.

— Gordon, reaffirming his commitment to a future rearguard action against Kahuna.

A well-placed act of percussion to the rear of your immediate line manager is in order.

— Kahuna's Rearguard Solution to Darth Teddy's Somnolent Management Problem.

I am trying figure out a way to meet her without getting hugged.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, plotting to meet Her Royal Highness while avoiding Huggles.

I cheated on Circus.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to posting on another blog.

I should sue for blog support.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, taking a litigious view of the situation.

I will arrange a trip to the rim of Kīlauea.

— Gordon, making plans for the incumbent as part of his bid for Governor of Hawaii.

The bed was nice and strong; didn't creek.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, writing a hotel review after a night of rigorous evaluation.

It was meant to be like the rain, but it drenched the whole bathroom.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, deducting points for the rain shower that turned out to be more of a tropical cyclone.

You will agree that most are not required for the normal operation of the planet.

— Kahuna to Gordon, declaring members of parliament to be extraneous and superfluous.

If we fall below our greenhouse gas output, I'm sure Gordon Zoos can supply some water buffaloes.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining his contingency plan for parliament.

Stop jerking off and add.

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation with Kahuna taking His own time to add a contact to Skype.

And type with one hand?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, not helping matters.

What, they'll invade us again?

— Gordon to Kahuna, reacting to pompous British foreign policy in the extraordinarily bogus Miliband wavelength.

Now, about that cactus I wanted delivered to one Karunanidi; I'd like it upsized please.

— Kahuna to Gordon, selecting gifts for candidates in the aftermath of the General Election of India.

You will arrange for hoo packets to be sent to Jayalalita.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to send appropriately encapsulated catcalls after the General Election of India.

I would rather send a large porcupine, in heat.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a pricklier alternative.

I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the the Union.

— Kahuna, learning of Vandoofus accessing Scrabble Worldwide from his New York lair despite the best efforts of Mattel, Inc.^[1]

Klingon swear words will be useful and I believe Obi-Wan's Discount Lightsabre Emporium is running some promotions these days.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon to equip himself for a meeting.

I can think of a substitute.

— Vandoofus, learning that Kahuna had run out of mayonnaise.

Does the Ballmer know about the Linux server hidden in your coat closet?

— Kahuna, attempting to raise tensions between Gordon and Redmond.

It's not hidden; it's in plain sight.

— Gordon, in his own defense.

This is blatant animal abuse.

— Gordon, responding to an eel being lobbed by Kahuna.

Nonsense, you're not a threatened species.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Well it could be worse: they could clone Karunanidhi and his son Stalin.

— Kahuna to the Monster, on a buffalo being recently cloned in India.

You got me going in a tangent; I am watching crosswind landings now.

— Vandoofus, taking issue with Kahuna for showing the extremely precarious final approach to Princess Juliana International Airport on the Island area of Sint Maarten.

You weren't exactly straight to start with.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

I hope you both get headbutted by a wild goat.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna and the Baron plotting a trip to the Yala National Park.

A buffoon elephant denied me access to my chalet after returning to the hotel.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a blockade mounted by an autonomous pachyderm at the Yala Village.

Some form of counter-balance?

— Kahuna, discovering that the Monster had accumulated mass to match Gordon's.

It's terrible being so attractive.

— Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

I can beat you up if that would help.

— Kahuna's Repulsive Solution to Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

It was your porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing the hitherto unknown projectile he used to cause the Jupiter impact event in July 2009.

The calorific value of Anna Nicole Smith's Semi-Autonomous Boob Subsystem would be quite high.

— Kahuna to Gordon, conceding that the material in question could indeed have been highly explosive.

Your continued inability to deal with this clown has lead to serious consequences for the eardrums of innocent bystanders.

— Kahuna, expressing grave dissatisfaction with Gordon's Bartus Maximus Policy.

All I can say is it looks like Pac-Man.

— Vandoofus, on being shown the VM/370 welcome screen on Kahuna's mainframe.

I do anything and anyone.

— Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping.

I dare you to do a porcupine or a hedgehog.

— Kahuna's Hedgehog Snag to Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping^[2].

Teddy prefers to be gone down on, not go down himself.

— Darth Teddy's Teddycentric Theory of Fellation.

^[1] Featured in The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection.

^[2] Based on the rather bawdy Hedgehog Song, often sung while inebriated by Nanny Ogg, in Terry Pratchett's Discworld universe.

Baloo

Baloo (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2009) 

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- A figurine of Baloo, from Disney's adaptation of The Jungle Book, about to lob a coconut from his perch atop Kahuna's Knee during a birthday celebration.

Captured on 27^th June 2009 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) at ISO 200 with bounced flash. Retouched to remove blemishes and adjusted for tone and saturation in Picasa. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 26 - A Query Too Far

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- About one year ago, Professor Gordon provoked an altercation with Kahuna over highly non-standard usage of Structured Query Language (SQL). Gordon's requirement was no mere convoluted outer-join, but the sort of relational hocus-pocus that might have rattled even the late E. F. Codd. Naturally, buffoonery followed:

Gordon (G): Can you do a bitwise-AND across rows in SQL?
Kahuna (K): Eh? WTF for? X-(
G: To derive system permissions.
K: Hmmm, I don't know if your platform can do this. You might need to write a stored procedure.
K: This is quite an unorthodox requirement; I suggest a meeting with the Patriarch for spiritual guidance.
G: I will cursor you if you don't watch it.
K: I will invert your B-tree.
G: I will trigger your end.
K: And I will end your process.
G: I will drop a table on you.
K: If you can figure out the SQL.
G: No one will be able to trace you once I'm finished with you.
K: With your defective execution plan?
G: Nonsense, I'm quite optimized thank you.
K: There's a good chance you'll fumble and drop that table on your big toe.

Kahuna's proposal for intervention by the Patriarch of the Orthodox Church was not well received by Gordon, a known dabbler in the insufficiently lit arts.

Follow-up reports from the arch-zoologist's lair seemed to suggest that Gordon had implemented his nefarious SELECT statements using relationally-suspicious database technology spawned in the darkness of Redmond. This news is understood to have been met with considerable annoyance by Kahuna, who views Gordon as an affront to the known normal forms.

No data was duplicated during this production, although Gordon refuses to be dependent on his primary key.

King Louie

 
King Louie (Copyright (cc) 2009 B Kahuna) 

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- A figurine of King Louie, from Disney's adaptation of The Jungle Book, rests on Kahuna's Knee during a birthday celebration.

Captured on 27^th June 2009 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on shutter priority (1/80^th of a second) at ISO 200 with bounced flash. 

Akhenaten

Akhenaten (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2007)

ALEXANDRIA, Egypt -- The visage of the heretic pharaoh Akhenaten, father of Tutankhamun, at the Alexandria National Museum.

Akhenaten, originally known as Amenhotep IV, reigned between 1353 BC and 1336 BC during the Eighteenth Dynasty and is believed to have advocated the monotheistic worship of Aten (the disc of the sun) as opposed to the sun god Amun-Ra and the pantheon of Egyptian gods.

Captured on 5^th November 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) at ISO 1600 resulting in an exposure of 1 millisecond.

Interestingly, Professor Gordon is believed to bear a striking resemblance to Akhenaten according to a previous post by Kahuna. 

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna categorically denied the allegations made by Vandoofus in his last post, calling them "unadulterated baloney." He went on to note that if there was anything anomalous going on, it was more likely to be centered around Murray Hills, NY.

Offering evidence of such activity, Kahuna noted that bickering between Hasbro and Mattel—who own the rights to Scrabble in the United States and elsewhere respectively—have made it is impossible to play Scrabble online between clowns located in the aforementioned locales. Except if one happened to be located precisely in Vandoofus's apartment in New York. For reasons that are unclear at this time, Vandoofus was able to play Scrabble Worldwide, presumably whilst partaking of alcoholic beverages in his underwear.

Kahuna disclosed the following dialog to support His claims:

Vandoofus (V): Oh funny thing, if I log into Facebook from any other IP address, it says can't open Scrabble in North America. But, it seems to work from home.
Kahuna (K): So you're saying your home is not in North America?
V: Appears to be so.
K: I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the Union.
V: I don't think its that, I think the space in which my home is located is in another plane, another dimension.
K: Well, considering that the occupant is not entirely from this planet...
V: Entirely? Part of me is?
K: Yeah, you'll need to figure out which part.

Kahuna declared that Vandoofus would not be permitted to secede from the Union and said that a contingent of armed bears had been dispatched to contain the insurrection. Military analysts familiar with the situation said that Kahuna's action appeared to be successful and Vandoofus's apartment had been re-integrated with the Union. They confirmed that Vandoofus could no longer access Scrabble Worldwide, much to his annoyance.

Vandoofus was not immediately available for comment as he was busy reviewing his component parts to determine their origin.

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 1 - The Data Controller

MURRAY HILL, New York -- Due to the unusually high volume of bogus dialogs between Vandoofus and Kahuna, Vandoofus has decided to document some of these on the Circus. The following is the first and the most recent of many such dialogs—which also incidentally, divulges insight to Kahuna's suspected anomalous sexual habits. This was unintended and any innuendos to Kahuna's personal life is purely coincidental.

The dialog began after a message intended for one Kim (Name changed to conceal identity) was mistakenly sent to Kahuna.

Vandoofus (V): Kim, are you working on the Data Controller?
Kahuna (K): I'm not Kim X-(
V: Ugh! It's your skirt.
K: Are you working or having cybersex? Or is it the same thing?
V: Did that sound like cybersex to you?
V: I wonder how you have sex X-(
K: I don't know what type of weird sex you are into X-(
V: You are the one who inferred sexual activity from, "Kim, are you working on the Data Controller?" X-(
K: Naturally, you're using some form of code :-P
V: X-(
K: You got so excited that you typed in the wrong window X-(
V: You have a Data Controller fetish? X-(
K: I didn't think such a fetish was possible
K: You have proved me wrong once again :-p

Kahuna Demands Probe into Battle of Trafalgar

LAS BOGAS, Nevada -- Kahuna held a press conference a short while ago and demanded that the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navanethem Pillay, institute a war crimes probe against British Vice-Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson. Kahuna said that Nelson, since deceased, should be investigated for his involvement in the so-called "Battle" of Trafalgar in 1805, where he brutally attacked Napoleon's fleet which was on its way to a picnic off Cape Trafalgar in Spain.

Kahuna charged that Nelson was responsible for the loss of thousands of lives and went on to note that the combined Spanish and French fleet lost 22 of their 33 vessels while Nelson did not loose a single ship. This He said, "is by far the clearest indication that Nelson executed a cunning and well-planned ambush against a fleet of unarmed vessels." Arguing that Napoleon's was fleet retrofitted to carry a cargo of wine and cheese, Kahuna remarked that, "they could only defend themselves with small arms fire and were hopelessly out-gunned." Kahuna also questioned whether Nelson had used illegal weapons to decimate the picnickers.

"People like Nelson have taken away the right of the people to peaceably picnic," Kahuna thundered, conceding nonetheless that wine in question, so soon after the French Revolution, would have been of rather dubious quality.

Kahuna urged Pillay to call a special session of the UN Human Rights Council to look into the war crimes committed by Nelson during the incident at Trafalgar in particular and throughout his career in the Royal Navy. "Nelson had a history of sailing all over the place and arbitrarily thumping people. Were it the West Indies, Corsica, Cape St Vincent or Alexandria, it was the same story; destruction lay in his wake," Kahuna said.

When questioned about plans to unseat Nelson's statue from atop its perch at Trafalgar Square in London, Kahuna said He fully supported the move and proposed that it be replaced with a statue of the Indian film actor, Rajnikanth.

Pillay was understood to be huffing and puffing elsewhere and was not available for comment.

KNN will continue to bring you live coverage of this developing story.

Cavatina

She was beautiful,
Beautiful to my eyes.
From the moment I saw her,
The sun filled the sky.

She was so so beautiful,
Beautiful just to hold.
In my dreams she was spring time
Winter was cold.

How could I tell her
What I so clearly could see
Though I longed for her
I never trusted her completely
So I never could be free.

Oh, but it was beautiful
Knowing now that she cared
I will always remember
Moments that we shared

Now it's all over
Still the feelings linger on
For my dream keeps returning
Now that she's gone.

For it was beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful to be loved.

— Stanley Myers (music), 1970; Cleo Laine (lyrics), 1973.

Composed by Stanley Myers, Cavatina is more memorable as the instrumental theme from the Oscar award winning movie, The Deer Hunter (1978), where it was performed by guitarist John Williams.

The lyrics written by Dame Cleo Laine was originally sung as "He was Beautiful," accompanied by John Williams. The version above ("She was Beautiful") was record by Paul Potts for his debut album, One Chance in 2007.

A flawless acoustic guitar rendition of the music performed by Swedish classical guitarist Per-Olov Kindgren can be found on YouTube as is a live rendition by John Williams and a colorful piano rendition by Lana Gnus. The version above sung by Paul Potts is also available on YouTube.

A Suffusion of Green

 
A Suffusion of Green (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2007)

ELLA, Sri Lanka -- An unidentified species of ivy or creeper on a rock wall in the garden of Ambiente in Ella.

Captured on 19^th March 2008 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.0) resulting in an exposure of 1/80^th of a second. The enhanced contrast was achieved by setting the Picture Style to Clear.

See also, A Suffusion of Yellow.

Samanala Wewa from World's End

 
Samanala Wewa from World's End (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2006)

HORTON PLAINS, Sri Lanka -- A view of Samanala Wewa from World's End using a 300mm zoom lens. The reservoir dam is at the lower left-hand corner of the image, partially obscured.

Captured on 29^th July 2006 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in landscape mode (aperture of f/7.1 exposed for 1/500^th of second at ISO 100).

It was a very hazy day and Picasa did a pretty good job of cutting through the haze using the I'm Feeling Lucky one touch adjustment. A speck of dust that had lodged itself strategically on the sensor was also digitally removed and the color balance adjusted in Picasa. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 39

This is like trying to find the cheapest airfare between Reno and Addis Ababa.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on comparing mobile phone service plans.

I didn't want to get off even after a fourteen hour flight.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being kicked upstairs to the upper deck of an A380 from Dubai to New York, complete with bar, in-chair massage functionality and fully flat bed.

In other news, the cat has hogged the bed in a manner that makes occupation difficult.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a late-night feline infestation.

You're messing with pussy in the dead of night.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the situation.

Kahuna my ass, you can't even relocate a cat.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling what should have been a routine feline extrication.

You'd think for a country that makes regular trips into outer space, they can get a voting system sorted out.

— Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

Nonsense, Diebold doesn't make the space shuttle.

— Kahuna's Rebuttal to Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

I suggest you move to Tibet and renounce your worldly possessions.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on learning that his autonomous wife was at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

In other news, we successfully simulated a visit by Santa for my daughter's benefit.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of an elaborate hoax perpetrated on Christmas Eve.

Did you use isolinear projection by Star Trek? Oh wait, you have Santa's radar profile, all you needed would have been the beard.

— Kahuna, experiencing an epiphany while discussing Gordon's Santa impersonation.

You think my wife would allow cake at this ungodly hour under any other circumstance?

— Gordon to Kahuna, defending a midnight feast on the occasion of his birthday.

If the missus reads this I'll be advised to go live with any of the three mentioned.

— Gordon, warning of dire consequences should his autonomous wife discover Kahuna's posting on Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory.

Your activities with pungent fruit are getting me down.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna lobbing a Durian in his direction.

You will note that only heads of state who are current or former terrorists visit these parts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a visit by the Abbas, hot in the footsteps of the Ahmedinejad.

Since I don't have a personal quarry, I had to pay for the stone.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on replacing counter-tops with granite at great expense.

She's at about 2.36 Rai.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on Halle Berry being named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine in 2008.

Earlier, there was myth that every company I worked for went bankrupt; then it expanded to every industry I worked in and now, every country.

— Vandoofus's Generalized Insolvency by Association Principle.

Indeed, I'm still reliant on Georgia Power.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting a delay in receiving his reactor from Kim.

Its modus operandi appears to be to slow down the client such that virii get fed up and leave.

— Kahuna to Gordon, commenting on the workings of McAfee's quasi-bogus anti-virus products.

They're promoting casual sends by the Pope.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a hardline view on Gmail's new undo send functionality.

You'll be taking refuge in Tehran?

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the need for a new hiding place given the thawing of relations between the US and North Korea and the warm and fuzzy relationship with *f* .

Er no, I will extend Interstate 10 to Pyongyang.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his industrious plans to make the best out of an early spring.

There are no laws against this, especially in late October.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being accused of harboring the Monster.

This now brings the total CPU count to 7, 15 if you're counting cores.

— Gordon to Kahuna, upping his processor count after an unscheduled second-hand hardware purchase from an apparel vendor of oriental persuasion.

Anything can happen in these tiny Chinese novelty shops; some are believed to appear and disappear mysteriously.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of the dangers of dabbling in wandering shops.

Maybe you can pick up an old Freon plant the next time you visit your grocer.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's second-hand shopping expeditions.

I locked out my password today by accidentally pressing Alt+Shift after a screen saver lockout and switching the language to Sinhala.

— Kahuna to Gordon, confessing to bungling in a native language.

I'm more interested in King Solomon's porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the discovery of King Solomon's Mines.

I'm not your muse.

— Kahuna, declining to provide creative input to Vandoofus's latest blog.

You're right about that; you're my bitch.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, under the influence of unknown hallucinogens.

There was never a rift; we never pledge allegiance to the Leader like the Apple folks do.

— Gordon to Kahuna, clarifying his relationship with Redmond.

If someone threw things at my embassy, I would retaliate by autocannon.

— Kahuna's Unequal and Opposite Reaction Policy.

These pussy-loving foreign ministers should have had theirs removed during the meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, advocating impromptu castration as part of His Foreign Policy.

If Dorothy wandered into your closet she would conclude fairly quickly that she was no longer in Kansas.

— Kahuna's Wizard of Oz Interpretation of Gordon's Closet.

The potential difference became zero; did you bring your closet online?

— Kahuna to Gordon, investigating a mysterious loss of power.

My daughter has found fascination in the metronome feature of the piano much to my annoyance.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being forced to keep time by his increasingly autonomous daughter.

Well it has to be plugged in to be useful, and besides when it doesn't respond, she thumps it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his daughter's maintenance analysis procedure for an unresponsive piano.

Percussive maintenance at such an early age; she will outdo you, I tell you.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon to expect polarity-reversed capacitors plugged into his power outlets.

Where were you on or about 1903?

— Kahuna to Gordon, discovering the existence of the Gordon Brothers Group established in the early 20^th century and fearing the worst.

The Vatican should be thumped with a rubber truncheon.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation with Benedict XVI's stance on prophylactics.

I'll steal your pics.

— Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

Watch your nuts.

— Kahuna's Subpeona^[1] Defense to Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

^[1] Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." (Anon).

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 25 - The Great Lollipop Caper

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Today we bring you the much-anticipated pilot episode of Gordon, P.I., the new detective thriller starring arch-zoologist and percussive taxidermist, Professor Ebenezer Gordon.

It began like any other day in Alpharetta, but soon hit a rather sticky note when Gordon discovered mysterious lollipop smears on his piano, which were not deemed necessary for the normal functioning of the instrument. After pausing to break the silence with an explosive sound reminiscent of a diesel engine backfiring in the early hours, Gordon leaped into action and quickly surveyed the scene of the crime.

Satisfying himself that a hidden, albeit sticky, hand was responsible for the act of vandalism, Gordon meticulously listed the possible suspects and quickly eliminated the flying monkeys and the Easter Bunny using tried and tested methods handed down by Sherlock Holmes. Gordon concluded that, after eliminating the impossible, the evidence pointed to none other than his daughter being the mastermind behind the dastardly deed. Regular readers will recall that Gordon's daughter is quite a clown and her previous antics are documented elsewhere on the Circus.

Gordon recounted the incident to Kahuna after concluding his initial investigations and this is how the conversation went:

Gordon (G): My daughter has covered the holy piano keyboard in lollipop X-(
Kahuna (K): What flavor? X-(
G: @#$#@%@#%@$%@#$@#$@#$@#$ strawberry X-(
K: By the Tooth Fairy X-(
K: Have you taken her to task? X-(
G: Indeed, she has denied involvement X-(
K: Does she have an alibi? X-(
G: Nothing concrete: I threatened to return the device to the store if a repeat occurrence happens to which she responded, "Okay, okaaaaaay *sigh*."
K: So you're unable to make a case by the Boulder, Colorado Police Department? X-(
G: Indeed.
K: Have you removed the evidence?
G: Indeed, there's still a little left on the C# key X-(
K: And you propose to leave this?
G: Er no, this was cleaned too.
K: This fiasco may give the local ant colony a reason to invade X-(
G: Actually there are no ants in these parts.
K: A good enough reason to establish a local colony in which case.
G: X-(
K: Heh heh.
K: How many octaves did she cover? :-P
G: A complete octave from middle C X-(
K: She restricted herself to a single octave? X-(
G: Indeed X-(
K: By Wolfgang Amadeus X-(
K: And the device was operating when the incident occurred?
G: She turns it on every time she walks by, as she does with most household electronics X-(
K: This is most disturbing by Al Gore X-(
K: Perhaps you should install motion sensors to turn them on and off automatically. This will avoid touching with lollipop-stained hands :-P
G: X-(
K: Either that, or you'll have to shrink wrap everything :-P

Gordon's evidence in this case appears to have been mostly circumstantial and no "smoking lollipop" has been found. No charges have been filed to date and the Lollipop Bandit remains at large.

On that gummy note, we take your leave. Join us next time on Gordon, P.I., when our protagonist investigates the mysterious thermocline in his bathtub.

Chocolate Cheesecake and Berry-Knowles Equivalence

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In the early hours of Friday 24^th April, Professor Gordon spontaneously aged another year. Informed sources said that an unholy midnight feast was mooted to celebrate the event, attended by a decadent chocolate cheesecake. Speaking to Kahuna immediately after the binge, Gordon claimed that it was the "most non-bogus cake on the planet," suggesting extensive firsthand research into desserts.

Given its extreme calorimeter reading, Gordon claimed that the cheesecake was officially sanctioned by his autonomous wife. Gordon's autonomous wife is believed to rule the household with an iron skillet and restricts his refrigerator access outside of approved mealtimes. The infamous chocolate Danish affair during Gordon's reign at the Bogusan Empire is thought to be partly responsible for martial law being imposed in the pantry, dessert research notwithstanding.

After the customary exchange of threats and lipid profiles, conversation soon turned to other delicious topics, with Gordon re-iterating that Halle Berry is "probably the most desirable creature on the planet." A brief aside is called for at this point to explain Gordon's penchant for quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. At around the time he quantified clown nature in the early 21^st century, Gordon also defined the Edividual Quotient (EQ). An edividual--short for edible individual--as the term implies, is one who is sufficiently delectable to be eye candy. Gordon defined Aishwarya Rai to be the Reference Edividual and consequently, the unit of measure for EQ was defined to be the Rai, with its namesake clocking in at 1.0 Rai. End of aside.

Last year, Gordon declared Halle Berry to have an EQ of 2.36 Rai, hence the aforementioned most desirable creature status. However, during the last conversation with Kahuna, Gordon also went on claim that Beyoncé Knowles would be "comparable" to Berry, leading to a formal proof of Berry-Knowles Equivalence. Kahuna is said to have advised Gordon to stash the detailed workings of his Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory away from his autonomous wife, for reasons of personal safety.

At a press conference held today, Kahuna again warned that accidental disclosure may well result in this being Gordon's Last Theorem. He added that half the planet would probably kill to conduct further research in the area.

Answering questions from the media regarding the dearth of writing from other clowns in the Circus, Kahuna declared that most had fallen from their high errand and were now engaged in more pedestrian pursuits. He refused to rule out relaunching the Circus as His Personal Blog, but did confirm that the next edition of Unquotable Quotes would be published in the coming weeks.

The Lamp

The Lamp (Copyright (cc) 2009 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- An old brass oil lamp lit early this morning to usher in the New Year was captured several hours later using a Canon EOS 30D equipped with the highly non-bogus EF 50mm 1:1.8 II lens.

The New Year dawned at 00:47 hrs (GMT+5:30) today and the lighting of the hearth was scheduled at the auspicious time of 05:05 hrs. The partaking of the first meal was mysteriously scheduled for 05:50 hrs. The assorted mystics responsible for this scheduling clearly had no knowledge of cookery and the possibility of concocting the traditional milk rice and accompaniments within a period of 45 minutes was left as an exercise for beta testers.

In related news, Kahuna spent the last four days cleaning His lair which had become an entropic hotspot. Geologically significant layers of items deposited on His table over the course of many years were removed, such that the surface became visible again. And not a moment too soon, according to some geologists who speculated that it was only a matter of time before the formation of fossil fuels.

The photographs above were all captured on shutter priority: the first at 1/60^th of a second at ISO 400; the second at 1/80^th of a second at ISO 200 and the third at 1/80^th of a second at ISO 100. The white balance was set to incandescent, resulting in the rich blue hues. All images have been straightened in Picasa to correct slight perspective distortion.

That's all for now.

May the New Year bring you peace and prosperity! 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 24 - Switches and Routers and Modems! Oh, My!

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- During the winter of 2008, Professor Gordon shared his rising energy consumption statistics with Kahuna. The arch-technologist was still heavily reliant on Georgia Power for his electricity supply due to problems in commissioning his own reactor. A delay in receiving enriched Uranium from Kim appears to have bungled the project plan.

However, we digress. Here's what happened shortly after Gordon provided Kahuna with his electricity bill, complete with trend graphs:

Gordon (G): You will check the trend on page two.
Kahuna (K): @#$@#$@# Has Al Gore seen this? X-(
G: X-(
K: I thought not. You're siphoning energy off the grid for nefarious purposes?
G: I think the wife is.
G: Or maybe it's the Linux server in the coat closet :-D
K: You're using a Freon plant to cool it? X-(
G: Cooling is currently an issue.
K: I can see that X-(
G: The coat closet houses a gigabit switch, a wireless router, a VOIP cable modem, a cordless phone base unit and a server with two drives :-D
G: And a few coats :-D
K: And the broomstick?
G: That's in the laundry room.
K: I'm arranging an FCC and FAA inspection.
G: Go ahead X-(
K: The EPA might also want to join, not to mention the local fire department.

A preliminary inspection of Gordon's coat closet suggested that the permitted technology threshold had not merely been exceeded, but left biting the dust. While coats and coat hangers were indeed present, they seemed oddly out of place and appeared to be mostly for decorative purposes. Perhaps, even camouflage. The Linux server, an ominous sign of the rift with Redmond, appeared to house Gordon's integrated Lair Management System, allowing remote deployment of his porcupine defense—presumably by means of the Telnet protocol.

Kahuna explained to KNN that a technology concentration of this magnitude—in an enclosed space no less—was clearly illegal in Havana, adding that Raul would not be pleased. He said that the RF interference alone ought to have piqued the interest of the FCC had they not been otherwise occupied in hounding the last surviving analog television stations.

However, Kahuna also expressed relief that Gordon was not storing his broomstick, the B-82 Stratosweeper, in the closet. The temperamental craft was last seen during Halloween several years ago when it caught fire and caused Gordon to crash unceremoniously during a test flight. The resulting FAA investigation and altercation with the local coven of witches was believed to have grounded the portly one indefinitely.

When KNN attempted to contact Gordon for comment, he was found engaged in a rather heated summit conference with his HVAC consultant. After some provocation, Gordon admitted to exploring forced-air cooling options, while maintaining that, in the meantime, his closet kept his coats warm.

Readers can rest assured that KNN will continue to fabricate this developing story.

Illinois Restores Pluto's Planetary Status

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois -- In unexpected news, the Illinois Senate unanimously restored Pluto to full planetary status on February 26^th 2009 and also resolved that March 13^th be declared Pluto Day. Clyde William Tombaugh, discoverer of Pluto, was born in Illinois in 1906.

In a widely ridiculed decision, Pluto was stripped of planetary status by the so-called International Astronomical Union (IAU) in August 2006. Kahuna alleged at the time that the hidden hand of Gordon was behind the controversial move. An Act of Kahuna restored Pluto to planetary status several days later.

Senate Resolution 0046, sponsored by Sen. Gary G. Dahl (R), notes that:

WHEREAS, Clyde Tombaugh, discoverer of the planet Pluto,
was born on a farm near the Illinois community of Streator; and

WHEREAS, Dr. Tombaugh served as a researcher at the
prestigious Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona; and

WHEREAS, Dr. Tombaugh first detected the presence of Pluto
in 1930; and

WHEREAS, Dr. Tombaugh is so far the only Illinoisan and
only American to ever discover a planet; and

WHEREAS, For more than 75 years, Pluto was considered the
ninth planet of the Solar System; and

WHEREAS, A spacecraft called New Horizons was launched in
January 2006 to explore Pluto in the year 2015; and

WHEREAS, Pluto has three moons: Charon, Nix and Hydra; and

WHEREAS, Pluto's average orbit is more than three billion
miles from the sun; and

WHEREAS, Pluto was unfairly downgraded to a "dwarf" planet
in a vote in which only 4 percent of the International
Astronomical Union's 10,000 scientists participated; and

WHEREAS, Many respected astronomers believe Pluto's full
planetary status should be restored; therefore, be it

RESOLVED, BY THE SENATE OF THE NINETY-SIXTH GENERAL
ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF ILLINOIS, that as Pluto passes
overhead through Illinois' night skies, that it be
reestablished with full planetary status, and that March 13,
2009 be declared "Pluto Day" in the State of Illinois in honor
of the date its discovery was announced in 1930.

While agreeing wholeheartedly with the spirit of the resolution, Kahuna pointed out that like most elected legislatures, Illinois took a month of Sundays to get things done. He also took the opportunity to further disparage the IAU and implied that it was comprised mostly of individuals who wouldn't recognize an extra-terrestrial if they were abducted by one. Kahuna added that the IAU's narrow field of view was no doubt a side-effect of peering too often into telescopes.

On that controversial note, we leave you. The IAU was busy examining the less brightly lit nether regions of the Universe and was not available for comment.

The Leopard's Whiskers

 
The Leopard's Whiskers (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lankan Leopard (Panthera pardus kotiya) stalks an unseen prey while flaunting its whiskers.

Captured on 23^rd August 2008 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III and Kenko 2X Teleplus Pro 300 teleconverter) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and ISO 1600. The lens was zoomed at 250mm giving an effective focal length of 500mm. This would be equivalent to 800mm in a 35mm camera due to the 1.6X field of view crop on the 30D.

Post-processed to fine-tune color and saturation. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 23: The Way of the Highly Effective (Featuring Miss Piggy)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Greetings, carbon-based and other lifeforms! We're back after many months of peace and quiet—just when you thought it safe to venture out. While we apologize for absconding, we must point out in our own defense that global bogosity has reached unprecedented levels, necessitating a full manual override of the planet. This, you will no doubt appreciate, is a potentially perilous proposition punctuated by petulant porcupines. Not to mention cacti on ballistic trajectories and medical practitioners armed with flashlights.

Fortunately, despite these goings on, Kahuna and Professor Gordon found the time to have one of their infamous conversations last December. This time, they ended up defining a new unit of measure that was, in hindsight, desperately needed:

Kahuna (K): A clown looked at my National ID Card and commented that I look like KT Frog X-(
Gordon (G): This is appropriate.
K: X-(
K: Thump(), mode=miss_piggy
G: Hi-ya?
K: Precisely X-(
G: Are you in drag X-(
K: No X-(
G: I see; I was just curious given the Miss Piggy emulation.
K: That was merely to thump you; You have to admit she was quite effective.
G: Indeed.
K: This could be a unit of measure.
G: The Piggy?
K: The Piggy.
G: As a measure of effectiveness?
K: Hmm, or force.
G: Force is already established by Newton, Pascal et al X-(
K: So? X-(
G: There is no unit for effectiveness.
K: And how would this be defined X-(
G: If you get the job done, that's 1 Piggy.
K: Get the job done? X-(
G: Indeed. For example, B Obama's campaign manager gets 1.36 Pg.
K: And McCain's? X-(
G: -1 Pg
K: I see X-(
G: This HeatSync^® 2500 Mini-Client gets 1.223 Pg for creating tanha.
K: And GWB?
G: About 0.68 Pg, I think.

While Kahuna would question Gordon's unduly generous assessment of George W Bush, few would dare challenge the credentials of Miss Piggy—reputed to hold a pink belt in Pig Wan Do—when it comes to thumping people. Among her many victims have been Kermit and Gonzo, Tony Randall, an environmental inspector and even some cat burglers. It is, therefore, indeed apt that the Piggy (Pg) be named in her honor as the new international (SI) unit for measurement of effectiveness.

Unidentified, self-proclaimed pundits speaking to KNN said that this announcement could not have come at a better time given the prevailing heights of global bogosity. They added that Kahuna and Professor Gordon are no strangers to the dark art of quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. More than eight years ago, Professor Gordon formally declared the Kern (Kn) to be standard unit for measurement of Clown Factor (CF).

The Muppet Show, created by the late Jim Henson, is as funny today as it was when it debuted more than thirty years ago, long before the use of computers in animation and special effects. His characters also appeared on the long-running children's television series, Sesame Street. The muppets' tribute to Henson at his funeral was later described in a LIFE Magazine article by Stephanie Harrigan as an epic and almost unbearably moving event.

Here's to Jim Henson and his puppeteers!