Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You... you may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You... you may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one

- John Lennon (1971)

John Lennon's utopian song, Imagine was voted third Greatest Song of All Time by Rolling Stone magazine. According to the Wikipedia, the refrain is believed to have been written by Yoko Ono in reaction to her childhood in Japan during World War II.

A Suffusion of Yellow

A Suffusion of Yellow (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

INVERNESS-SHIRE, Scotland -- Suspected members of the Asteraceae (daisy) family in bloom at a stop along the A82.

Fans of the late Douglas Adams will remember the expression A Suffusion of Yellow from The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul. In the book, this is how Dirk Gently's I Ching calculator evaluated any arithmetic expression resulting in a number greater than four. So, while 2 + 2 = 4, 3 + 2 = "A Suffusion of Yellow". A simulation of the calculator can be found here.

Captured on 12^th September 2005 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/2.8) and a resultant shutter speed of a millisecond.

St Andrew's Cross

St Andrew's Cross (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

INVERNESS-SHIRE, Scotland -- The sun shines through the Flag of Scotland, somewhere along the A82 from Inverness to Invermoriston. The flag, also known as The Saltire and St Andrew's Cross is one of the oldest in the world, with its origin recorded in the 9^th century.

Captured on 12^th September 2005 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1, 1/800th of a second shutter and aperture of f/8. 

The Captain's Rod

The Captain's Rod (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

PORTREE, Isle of Skye -- Captain's rod, Stardust... Oops, wrong show. Anyway, here we are on the MV Stardust, a vessel whose engine had failed and needed to be towed back the previous day. Of course, this wasn't revealed until we were underway and out of screaming distance from the harbor.

Here we see the branded personal flotation device next to a color-matched cylinder of Calor Gas (butane). The captain's rod is to the extreme left. Darth Teddy, an expert deep sea fisherman (especially in turbulant waters), was seen taking a considerable interest in the captain's rod.

Oh yeah, 10^th September, Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/3.5) and resultant shutter of 1/800^th of a second. 

All that Glitters is the Sea

All that Glitters is the Sea (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

PORTREE, Isle of Skye -- A millisecond shutter captures the shimmering surface of the sea across the Sound of Raasay, looking east from Portree harbor. The town is called Port Rígh (the King's Port) in Gaelic, after a visit by James V of Scotland in 1540.

Darth Teddy and Kahuna escaped to Portree after a harrowing and hungry night in Bernisdale, surrounded by large black cats^[1]. Naturally, this called for pigging out on fish, chips and Scottish ale on the pier. This was followed by an air-sea rescue demonstration conducted by HM Coastguard. More photographs will follow.

Darth Teddy's photograph, An Ode to Waffles was taken during a tour of Portree Bay aboard the MV Stardust, after the skipper (also a large clown) decided to drop everything and fish instead.

Captured on 10^th September 2005, with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on shutter priority (1/1000^th of a second) and a resulting aperture of f/6.3.

^[1] For more sordid information, please refer Kahuna Returns, Confirms Dark Deeds, Darth Teddy will Shed Light, for a Price, Kahuna Accuses Darth Teddy of Bernisdale Fiasco, Teddy Denies Allegations and Sheds More Light and Unquotable Quotes - Part 7.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 12

My bee's better than your fly!

- The Monster to Darth Teddy, parading his insect.

Stop looking at my fly!

- Darth Teddy to the Monster, declaring a surveillance blackout on his fly.

I will ship a Venus Flytrap to your premises if you're not careful.

- Kahuna to the Monster, threatening to resurrect His one-time carnivorous plant business.

That idiot has published an elephant saying it’s an ode to me.

- Gordon, fuming at Darth Teddy’s elephantine photographic tribute.

I am scared to check my Gmail.

- St Vandoofus, voicing serious reservations after Kahuna activated the comment distribution feature.

Official mails are now like the proverbial needle in the haystack.

- Gordon to Kahuna, declaring a mailbox flooded status thanks to Kahuna’s comment distribution feature.

You have implemented non-standard technologies. This is in violation of MIS Policy #3215.63B. You shall rot in hell.

- Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, upon being brought back to life by the incessant comment distribution feature.

My Xbox will arrive tomorrow, you will have peace, my presence thereafter will be [minimal], [and] you will reign King!

- The Monster to Kahuna, implicating Elvis is his quest to be One with the Xbox.

I thought fly-fishing was what you did while in an aeroplane.

- Darth Teddy, on the art of using a hook, line and rod at high altitude.

I have done nothing in mid-air.

- Darth Teddy, pleading innocent to aerial acrobatics at 37,000 feet.

Well, the purser was roaming the cabin.

- Darth Teddy, on being thwarted in an attempt to join the Mile High Club^[1].

That’s gotta hurt.

- Darth Teddy, on being asked if he has watched A River Runs Through It.

[Kahuna] is compiling UQ12 isn't he?

- Darth Teddy, suspecting an ulterior motive behind a conference session facilitated by Kahuna.

We have been lured into a trap!

- The Monster, accusing Kahuna of premeditated entrapment to create UQ12.

Which Kahuna’s hand is that?

- St Vandoofus, committing blasphemy by proposing the existence of more than one Kahuna.

You have multiple avenues to bad-mouth me now.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that the Circus is being podcasted and accessible from iTunes.

I am considering relinquishing the "Real Kahuna" title in order to avoid confusion. I will continue as Darth Gordon, Keeper of the Faith.

- Gordon, realizing that his days as Kahuna-wannabe are numbered.

You will not use the editor. Its compose mode will nest your tags to high heaven.

- Kahuna, warning Gordon about the Blogger Editor after noticing extra-strong markup in the latter’s post.

Oh, they flew it in from Dublin did they?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on being told that the Irish coffee at a previously blacklisted hotel was NB.

I think we should walk in with a lightsaber sometime and thump [the Executive Chef].

- Gordon, proposing to make a complaint, Sith-style.

Who is this Regulator person?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking to unveil the Regulator.

You’re causing editing halfway across the planet.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, accusing the latter of markup requiring subsequent cleanup.

You will search on Yahoo for "volumetric ornithology". You appear to be a pioneer in your field.

- Kahuna congratulating Gordon on the latter’s groundbreaking work being recognized by Yahoo.

The State of New York is about to slap you with a lawsuit for wanton waste of water.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on 1.4 million litres of water unaccounted for during a photo shoot.

It must be your mass. According to special relativity it must be causing space around you to bend out of shape. Hence, radio waves find it hard to leave your locality.

- Kahuna, explaining poor GPRS reception in Gordon’s immediate vicinity.

Which is about 0.000000000000000000000000111 meters.

- Kahuna, calculating Gordon’s Schwarzschild radius in a bid to prove the existence of a black hole.

You’re expending 1.25 kilo Joules per minute while you wait.

- Kahuna to Gordon, calculating the energy used by the latter as he waits for his web page to load.

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

- The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

- Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

I am trying to be diplomatic, except for the occasional nudge that I can't resist.

- St Vandoofus, outlining his foreign policy towards Darth Teddy.

You’re nudging in troubled waters.

- Kahuna, commenting on St Vandoofus’s foreign policy.

This will cause problems for voice recognition systems too methinks.

- Gordon, expressing grave reservations regarding the village formerly known as Llanfynydd^[2] in Wales.

So you didn't like my sneaky advertising?

- St Vandoofus to Kahuna, after the latter toned down blatant propaganda on the Circus.

^[1] Make sure you visit the links at the bottom of the Wikipedia page.
^[2] Now, Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole.

Board Annouces Vandoofus Prize Homepage

HOLLYWOOD, California Republic (ENN) -- In a press release today, the Board of Buffoons announced that with the deadline approaching, the best of the clowns’ work has been consolidated at the Vandoofus Prize Homepage.

The Board would like to thank the management of Lankawatch.com for generously agreeing to host the homepage.

The Board has selected three entries from each contestant and of course if the contestant disagrees with the selections they may change it at anytime before midnight on 31^st December 2005 by informing the Chairman or the Technical Director. Online polls for the Vandoofus Prize for the Best Photograph and the Vandoofus Prize for the Best Photographer will be available starting midnight on the 31^st and will be open to the public for a week. It is the hope of the Board that all participants will play fair and encourage as many non-clowns as possible to vote in the competition.

The press release also stated the Board Chairman has responded to accusations by Darth Teddy that the Vandoofus Prize is a “cheap imitation” of “Whiskers” by raising his hand with the thumb pointing down, and the bringing the little finger to the edge of his lips and saying “Riiiiiiggghttt.”

In a gesture of reconciliation, he later invited Darth Teddy to become his mini-me.

Gravity and Light

Niagara (Copyright © 2003 The Real Kahuna) The Falls by night, floodlit from Canada.

KATUGASTOTA, Sri Lanka -- I have decided to take a few minutes (actually about a good half hour over @#$#$%#@% GPRS) to recognize St Doofy's call to "lose the macro mode."

This is as far as it gets from macro - wide angle with a long exposure. Sony DSC-D770 on tripod mount, manual exposure at f/2.4 for 1/2 second. "Kahuna" would probably have calculated how much water went over the falls during the shot but I can't be bothered... :-D

Kahuna Warns Squabbling Duo

RIO DE KAHUNA, Brazil -- Speaking to KNN today, Kahuna expressed annoyance at the ongoing bickering between St Vandoofus and Darth Teddy, saying that it posed a serious threat to the overall purpose of the photographic contest that was at the crux of the dispute.

In His statement Kahuna made it clear that Vandoofus and Darth Teddy must negotiate a settlement to avoid cluttering the marketplace with their assorted brand identities and dilute the original purpose of the contest, which was to showcase good photography.

Kahuna fumed that running two prizes was an administrative complexity that would end up with Him editing unholy markup well into the wee hours. He warned that He would be forced to thump both parties unless Darth Teddy and Vandoofus sorted out their differences and presented a unified award.

KNN will bring you live coverage of any thumping.

Don't be Fooled by Cheap Imitations

JEDDAH, Saudi Arabia -- Reports just in from a BNN journalist are that mediocre arsonist Van "no talent" Doofus has been trying to pass off his prize on equal par with the Whiskers. One of our reporters is in critical condition having almost died by laughing at the idea.

The current entries have been subjected to a democratic poll in accordance with the rules of the Whiskers and anyone that wishes to view the results may do so at their leisure. The polls will be open for 7 days after which the winners will be announced. The winner of the Whisker for Best Photograph overall will be announced on the 2^nd of January as the co-ordinator (DT) will be transporting himself from Jeddah to Colombo on the 31^st of December.

When asked about Vandoofus's comments about mediocre contributions by the Monster and DT, the Bear said, "what more can you expect from a person who's camera has taken a restraining order against him." Our reporter laughed and nodded in agreement.

Thats all from BNN right now and now for the weather by Hurricane Whirly...

Closing Date for the Vandoofus Prize Announced

HOLLYWOOD, California Republic (ENN) -- The Board of Buffoons organizing the Vandoofus Prize (also cutely referred to as “Whiskers” by some) has released a statement clarifying the closing date for the ‘blasted competition.’ In the statement the board said the deadline for submitting photographs will be at 23:59:59 Coordinated Universal Time on the 31^st of December 2005.

The statement added that an extension until the end of January was considered, given that some members have reportedly left civilization and are unable to submit entries. However, the board has decided to follow the advice of Kahuna who has apparently said “we can't be adjusting for clowns” and decided to stick to the original deadline of 31^st December.

The winners will be announced a week from the closing date. About 6 clowns are vying for the prestigious Vandoofus Prize. Two honors, The Vandoofus Prize for the Best Photograph and the Vandoofus Prize for the Best Photographer, will be awarded to the best overall photograph and the most creative photographer respectively. The winners will be selected by a poll open to the public. The photographs are being consolidated in one page by Kahuna, the Technical Director of the competition, for purposes of voting.

The board also stated that they are undecided whether to continue the competition as an annual event or given the huge success of the first ever Vandoofus Prize, to hold the event quarterly. The decision will be announced after the award ceremony planned to be held in January 2006.

The Chairman of the Board talking to reporters also requested from the contestants, especially the Monster and Darth Teddy, who seem to have an awful lot of time to run around with a camera (a condition also known as ‘joblessness’), not to flood the Circus with mediocre entries as the deadline approaches. The Chairman also urged the contestants to lose the ‘macro mode’ if possible and to use other subjects beside insects to diversify the competition.

Anthropology 106

KATUGASTOTA, Sri Lanka -- The second entry in the anthropology series. 106 by virtue of the six ants. :-)

Picture shows a team of ants executing a move(egg) instruction in block transfer mode with load balancing in effect. Part of a larger convoy that spanned an entire wall.

Here, is there a closing date for this blasted competition?

Teamwork (Copyright © 2005 The Real Kahuna)

The Low-Down in Westminster

CITY OF WESTMINSTER, United Kingdom -- Despite the perquisites and privileges rendered unto the monkeys, the Temple is indeed a perilous place. Fisticuffs and brawls are commonplace, as is the practice of silencing the opposition with a few well-aimed tomes or items of furniture that had the misfortune of not being securely anchored.

Thus is the decorum with which their elected representatives discharge the business of the people. Of late, nonetheless, assault below the belt has also been practised in the Temple of the Monkey, sinking the traditions of Westminster to all-time low.

A recent discussion between Professor Gordon and Kahuna featured the behaviour of the monkeys. The learned anthropologist Gordon conjectured that should this form of practice take place in the mother of parliaments, the British House of Commons, Outright Buffoonery (OB) would result given the close seating arrangements.

Naturally, this led to extrapolation of such an incident in true British style.

[We begin during Prime Minister’s Question Time]

Prime Minister : …Therefore, Mr Speaker, I firmly believe that the Honourable Leader of the Opposition must ask himself…

[Scuffle from benches]

Member from Wangford : [Interrupting] Mr Speaker, the Honourable Home Secretary has just grabbed me in a most unparliamentary manner!

Home Secretary: [Sotto voce] Bollocks!

Speaker : [Startled] Order please! Will the members please keep their fellow members’ members alone?

Member : Mr Speaker, I wish to raise private member’s bill regarding this most unparliamentary conduct of the honourable member!

Speaker : [Agitated] There will strictly be no raising of members!

Member : Mr Speaker, I must protest most strongly at this limitation placed on members!

Speaker : [Visibly flustered] Is the Honourable Member for Wangford attempting to rise to the occasion?

Member : Mr Speaker, I will be forced to take matters into my own hands if you do not permit my member’s motion!

Speaker : [Turning purple] This exchange is not very uplifting, I will have the offending member removed if you persist in this atrocious behaviour!

Prime Minister : Mr Speaker, will the Honourable Member for Wangford kindly put a sock in it?

Fellow Members : Hear, hear!

[Lot of nodding]

Speaker : [Relieved] We should perhaps break for tea at this point.

Prime Minister : Mr Speaker, I fancy a cuppa myself.

Speaker : [Greatly relieved] Splendid!

And thus concludes this episode in our continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy.

Suspended Stearman

Suspended Stearman (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

DUXFORD, United Kingdom -- A Boeing Stearman PT-17 suspended from the roof of the massive American Air Museum hanger at the Imperial War Museum complex in Duxford, near Cambridge.

The Stearman was a two-seater biplane introduced in 1936 and most pilots who served during the Second World War began their flight training in such an aircraft. According to Boeing^[1], The PT-17 was powered by a 220-horsepower Continental R-670-5 piston radial engine with a top speed of 124 mph (200 kmph) and a ceiling of 11,200 feet. More information about the aircraft is also available at Airliners.net^[2].

Other aircraft on display included a Boeing B-52D Stratofortress (an aircraft so large that it took up most of the hanger) and the only Lockheed SR-71A Blackbird on display outside the United States. The B-52D was impossible to photograph in its entirety given the lack of a suitable wide-angled lens and the confines and congestion in the hanger. This map of the hanger illustrates the relative size of the aircraft. Kahuna blessed both aircraft by touching them [evil grin]^[3].

The photograph was captured on 16^th September 2005, using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 with flash on aperture priority (f/2.8) and a resultant shutter speed of 1/50^th of a second.

^[1] Boeing History: Stearman Kaydet Trainer.
^[2] Airliners.net: The Boeing Stearman.
^[3] Professor Gordon, take note.

The Hand of Kahuna

The Hand of Kahuna (Copyright © 2005 Huggles)

YALA, Sri Lanka -- Droplets of water frozen in time as Kahuna uses a bottle cap for an impromptu demonstration of shutter priority to Huggles.

Captured by Huggles on 22^nd July 2005, with his Canon PowerShot S1 on shutter priority (1/1000^th of a second) and a resulting aperture of f/3.1.

Whisker for Most Photogenic Insect

MADISON SQUARE GARDENS, New York -- The Nominess for the Most Photogenic Insect are:

Most Photogenic Insect
	Heaven? by The Monster
	Caterpilla Upside Down by Huggles
	Life On The Wire by The Real Kahuna
	Heaven by The Monster
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Anthropology 101

Life on the Wire (Copyright © 2002 The Real Kahuna)

BANDARAWELA, Sri Lanka -- I had to take a few minutes off my vacation to post this due the the recent flurry of insect-related activity (both in terms of subjects and photographers.)

Old faithful D770 at work once more, EXIF available on request :-P.

Camp Fire

Sparks Flying in Yala Last Month (Copyright © 2005 Huggles) 

Pre-Flutterby

Caterpilla Upside Down (Copyright © 2005 Huggles) 

A Matter of National Security

THE WHITE HOUSE, Washington DC -- In a bipartisan vote, the Senate Friday blocked passage of a bill reauthorising controversial surveillance provisions of the Patriot Act.

However in a bid to persuade the house to reconsider their stand did the office release the following detailed captures of illegal activity in the far corners of Southeast-Asia threatening the peace back in our homes.

Heaven? (Copyright © 2005 The Monster) A butterfly couple in heavenly serenity [at least till the officials arrived at the scene] goin on about with their acts of global threat, captured in the wilderness of Ganemulla, Sri Lanka.

A White House spokesman at the press conference expressed to the media that the copulation between butterflies in the Southeastern and Central Asian regions has always posed and continues to grow as a serious threat to the overall security of the nation and civil liberties therein.

He added that the timely capture of the above surveillance photography is to be credited to the sixteen provisions given to the law enforcement and national security investigators by the Patriot act which is to expire on the 31^st of December 2005.

"The Act expires on December 31^th, but the butterfly threat does not," said Sen George Butterphly.

The Senator concluded the proceedings by adding that the house must unite as one and work towards the speedy approval of the reauthorization in the name of national security and liberty from the threats posed by foreign Papilionoidea.

Blogs of Note

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Kahuna announced today that the Circus would maintain a list of noteworthy blogs in the sidebar, just under the Archives section.

Clowns are invited to nominate suitable blogs. For starters, Andy's hilarious blogs The Hanging Stranger and I'm an Intern in New York have been included.

KNN will provide updates on this latest buffoonery.

Clowns Advised to Update Blogger Profile

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- It was discovered in the wee hours of Sunday that the comment distribution feature was apparently not working for anyone other than Kahuna. This led to extensive research into the matter, aided and abetted by the Monster from the Connecticut Bureau of Buffoonery.

The findings indicate that for the feature to work, clowns must have a Blogger profile and a public email address. Clowns are advised to create or update their profiles accordingly. The profiles of Kahuna, Darth Teddy or the Monster may be used as examples.

Non-compliant clowns will only receive irritating comment notification from other clowns. Thus, they will not be able to counter-annoy with their own comments.

It’s a no-win situation actually. So, go update. Heh heh!

Almost There

Fly? (Copyright © 2005 The Vandoofus)

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Finally, with help of Kahuna, I discovered what macro mode is! This is my attempt to copy the Monster's Heaven. Promise there was a fricking fly right there.

Big Kahuna Distressed by the Monstrous Gordon Siblings

MESSENGER.YAHOO.COM, California Republic -- The following took place at approximately 0333 hours EST, just moments after The Monster posted a smart-ass comment regarding Darth Teddy's not-so-picturesque fly on the Circus.^[1]

It is during this time at which The Monster's online presence at unholy ante meridian hours appear to have caused Big Kahuna to experience yet another painful episode of distress at the hands of one-half of the Monstro-Gordon siblings.

This is no doubt a true testament to the NB Nuisance-Genes that run in the Gordon family tree.

Kahuna      : Are you and your sibling attempting
              some kind of global 24x7 availability
              service?
The Monster : You mean I'm up when he's away...[?]
Kahuna      : Indeed... one of you is always
              present and causing annoyance
The Monster : Indeed =) [We are]
Kahuna      : BTWOKT

^[1] For purpose of clarity, this dialogue has been slightly modified from it's original state by The Monster. Full dialogue will be made available on request.^[2]
[2] Please take a moment to vote for the monstrous half of the Monstro-Gordon siblings, The Monster!

The Whisker for Best Entry, Non-Human, Living or Recently Living

MADISION SQUARE GARDENS, New York -- The nominees are:

Best Entry for Non-Human, Living or Recently Living
	Okay, Maybe Just One by Big Kahuna
	Barrel Distortion Personified by Darth Teddy
	Waffles in Repose by Big Kahuna
	A Fishy Situation by Darth Teddy
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Unquotable Quotes - Part 11

Can you clowns confirm you received this?

- Kahuna’s First Message to the Circus.

I got it you idiot. Now stop wasting my time.

- Huggles’s response to Kahuna’s First Message.

You only realize how huge a pelican is when they shit on you.

- Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass.

- The Monster’s Propulsive Corollary to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican briefs or lack thereof.

- Darth Teddy’s Lemma to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

May a whole bunch of white pelicans line up and group shit upon you when you try to take your next photograph!

- Kahuna’s Prayer for Obstructing Optics with Collective Linear Ornithological Bombardment.

Barrel distortion huh? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?

- Darth Teddy to Gordon, challenging the latter’s profoundly rectilinear criticism of his photographs.

Let he who is not distorted like a barrel cast the first shadow.

- Kahuna’s Principle of Rectilinear Umbrage.

I say, what a superb composition! The vast open grassland bounded by verdant forest is an elegant counterpoint to the grandiloquent pachyderm pottering slightly to the left of the focal point. But, Wait! Is it my imagination or do I see space curving very slightly, almost imperceptibly—barrel distortion if you will—around our elephantine subject? Is this a job for that Savior of Optics, that Paragon of Reflection, that Baron of Lenses, that Grand Panjandrum of Refraction? Yes! It is a job for Professor Gordon, Pincushion Man!

- Kahuna, taking an eloquent, but non-rectilinear potshot at barrel distortion guru, Professor Gordon.

Your camera should file for a restraining order against you.

- Darth Teddy to St Vandoofus, setting a precedent in the nascent legal domain of abuse of optics.

Teddy might be a serious problem, and Gordon hasn’t even started. I need to hire a gun.

- St Vandoofus, launching and all-out offensive for the Vandoofus Prize after reviewing the quality of entries.

Black and white is not allowed. Everything looks good on black and white.

- St Vandoofus, expressing annoyance with Darth Teddy’s fishy photography.

This is clearly a case of arson. Now you're starting fires so that you can photograph them. Pyromaniac!

- Kahuna to St Vandoofus, making a case for attempted arson.

My fire is better than your fire.

- St Vandoofus, attempting to put out Gordon’s fire by peeing on it.

I’m going to lock the two of you in a small room.

- Kahuna, issuing a threat of joint incarceration to St Vandoofus and Darth Teddy in light of persistent bickering.

I think Vandoofus will fly over to castrate you.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on being asked if the Whiskers Poll was a good idea.

We are 50%-50% to win, Monster.

- Darth Teddy, reporting highly nepotistic voting results to the Monster after they each voted for themselves in the Whiskers.

I am. Just ask most of Europe and parts of Asia.

- Darth Teddy, declaring his notably hung state.

I made a five-egg omelet yesterday.

- The Monster, revealing sordid details of overindulgence after consuming the goods.

I sometimes prepare omelets in the middle of the night.

- The Monster, pleading guilty to nocturnal cookery in the first-degree.

You are after sausage then?

- Darth Teddy, offering a wienerwurst to the Monster.

Bah, the sun has set. I will have to walk in the dark to the mailbox.

- The Monster, forecasting dark deeds in view to the sun’s exodus (4:36pm EST).

Its about to rise here, that's why.

- Kahuna, explaining the sun’s hasty disappearance over Connecticut (3:36am GMT+6).

I can't say that I like the way your family keeps emerging from the proverbial woodwork.

- Kahuna to the Monster, expressing annoyance at the recent surfacing of the latter along with Professor Gordon.

Catching some ZZZZ's

An Insect in It's Peaceful Slumber (Copyright © 2005 Darth Teddy)

Heavenly Serenity

MIDDLETOWN, Connecticut -- Greetings folks, I have yet another capture for your hungry eyes [especially of the judges], I'm sure you'll savor it.

Heaven (Copyright © 2005 The Monster)^[1] A Honeybee in heavenly serenity, captured minutes after a morning monsoon shower down in Ganemulla, Sri Lanka.

Wondering where on heavenly earth that is? Well, believe it or not that is the hood of the GITT [Gordon Industries Ten Thousand not GITT Mk2] covered in rain residue. And what on earth is a bee doing on it? Well, perhaps its thinking it's a gigantic blossom or something, dumb ass! I haven't the simplest clue as to why that nut is there.

However what I can tell you is that it was a sure member of the beehive^[2] up in my ceiling! Why the past tense was? Well I sort of killed the fellow moments after I captured it on camera >:) heh heh.

Jeeze! Kidding guys! What do you think I am? A Monster or something!

Well yes, I live in a bee infested corner of Kendaliyaddapaulwa, and believe me the constant buzzing can really get to you sometimes. So much so at times I wished I had the services of the Real Kahuna or St Vandoofus to smoke the living BUZZ out of em!

Nevertheless, thank you for the pose Spike!^[3]

^[1] Please note that I haven't the original capture of this setting but have posted a scaled down copy that I dug up from my mail archives, will post the original once reveived from the archives of the Real Kahuna.
^[2] The beehive is now uninhabited.
^[3] Now don't forget to vote for The Monster!

The Whisker for Most Eye-Catching Entry

MADISON SQUARE GARDENS, New York -- Welcome to the Whiskers. The nominees for the most eye-catching entry are:

The Most Eye-Catching Entry
	Foliage Ablaze by The Monster
	Boats at Anchor on Windemere by Big Kahuna
	The Setting of Day by Darth Teddy
	Chlorophyll in Plentiful by The Monster
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Kahuna Announces Comment Notification and Backlinks

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued today, Kahuna outlined changes made to the Circus.

Firstly, an automatic email will be sent to all clowns whenever a comment is posted on the blog. This has been done by integrating the blog with the Circus group on Yahoo. Bartus Maximus and St Vandoofus who were not members of the Yahoo group have been added by force.

Secondly, the backlinks feature has been enabled on the blog to track links from other blogs to the Circus. This can be seen in the byline of each post, next to the comments link.

Kahuna indicated that both changes have been made to increase the reach of the Circus.

Snow on the Sahara

Falling Snow at Night (Copyright © 2005 Darth Teddy) 

Snowy Hills

Snow Covered Hills (Copyright © 2005 Darth Teddy)

Unanimous Vote – Vandoofus Ousted

JEDDAH, Saudi Arabia -- In an emergency gathering today of all entrants to the Vandoofus photo comptetion, a vote was taken to eject Vandoofus and the yellow streak running down his back, from the competiton. Investigations had revealed that Vandoofus had not bargained on accomodating entrants other than himself in the competiton thus paving the way for his resulting woes. The new board of directors which including Kahunas Big and Real, the Monster and DT invite others to post their entries in the competiton. With respect to the Oscars, the competition has aptly been renamed the Whiskers.

The entries thus far of former entrant St Vandoofus will be accomodated in the competition but will recieve no rating higher than 10^th place. All new entries from St Vandoofus will be illegible for the Whiskers. The categories of prizes and location of the event will be announced later, so until then please keep your entries flowing.

The Many Moods of Sparky

Photograph? Nah! (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)



Okay, Maybe Just One (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)



Say Cheese! (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)



All Right, Enough Already! (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Senior Canine Sparky in a rare tolerant mood, poses for Kahuna. Sparky likes Kotmale cheese and loves vanilla ice cream, which he demands after lunch on Sunday.

Captured on 3^rd July 2005 with a flash-enabled Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on shutter priority (1/200^th of a second) and resulting aperture of f/4.

Vandoofus Prize Macro Entries

MIDDLETOWN, Connecticut - I have once again emerged from the claws of imperial subjugation and have meandered into the fires of the Circus [I mean Jeeze, what's with the fire fetish people!?]

Nevertheless, keeping with the latest trends in the Circus; even though there are a number of disturbing instances of malpractice among the Vandoofus Prize participants and also news from credible sources that the competition organisers have indeed already carved their own names onto the prizes, here I am posting a couple of macro captures, for the genre appears to be poorly represented in the competition.

After all “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game” [at least to some of us], bon visionnement!

Russian Dolls on a Visit to Central Park (Copyright © 2005 The Monster) Russian dolls put up for sale on 59^th Street, NYC, gazing in amazement at the beauty of Central Park, located on the left to the picture.


Chlorophyll in Plentiful (Copyright © 2005 The Monster) Simply refreshing to the eye, a plant for which I haven't the name, washed clean after a morning monsoon shower, Ganemulla, Sri Lanka.

Notes:

[1] These entries are untainted products created through perfectly legitimate photographic equipment and have no association with any type of design application(s) [Microsoft^® Visio^®, etc].

[2] All optical image stabilization technologies [Super Steady Shot^®, etc] of said equipment were disabled while photographing, exemplifying the fact that the photographer was indeed sober and not under the influence of any banned substances while capturing them.

Best of the Circus: Unit of Measure for Rainfall

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Today we debut a new feature in which we publish evidence of utter buffoonery that is part of the permanent record of the Circus. To kick things off, we publish below a note written on 25^th September 2001 by Kahuna to Teddybert^[1], the future Professor Gordon:

Dear Teddybert,

Your use of vertebrates ("cats and dogs") and invertebrates ("caterpillars") as units of measure of rainfall is hereby declared inappropriate under prevailing laws. This is buffoonery of the highest order and cannot be tolerated under any circumstances.

The standard unit of measure of rainfall is the millimeter, which is defined to be 1 thousandth of a reference meter which in turn is defined as the length of the path traveled by light in a vacuum during a time interval of 1/299792458^th of a second.

Please ensure that standards are followed in future.

[Kahuna]

This was apparently provoked by Teddybert's references to it raining "cats and dogs" and inexplicably "caterpillars" as well.

^[1] Not to be confused with the Teddybear aka Darth Teddy. Professor Gordon was named Teddybert after the infamous inter-subcontinental stuffed toy delivery fiasco during his courting days. Full account available on request.

An Ode to Professor Gordon

Barrel Distortion Personified (Copyright © 2005 Darth Teddy)

An Ode to Waffles

A Fishy Situation (Copyright © 2005 Darth Teddy)

Vandoofus Competiton Reveals True Colours

JEDDAH, Saudi Arabia -- Amidst the superior photographic skills of Big Kahuna, Darth Teddy and new entrant the Real Kahuna, St. Vandoofus has expressed what can only be decribed as chicken shit (no offense to the chicken that crossed the road) allegations of foul play with regard to the competiton. Vandoofus appears to have got his knickers in such a twist that he has apparently resorted to arson, which could soon develop into self mutilation, or so we all hope.

In response to allegations, various analysis techniques carried out on the entries submitted by Big Kahuna and Darth Teddy have revealed them to be authentic works of art. While in answer to allegations of substance abuse it was discovered that DT's knowledge of substances were very limited, however further research revealed that Vandoofus was no stranger to said substance abuse and was in rehabilitation a short while ago. However the substances seemed to have had taken crippling side effect on him judging by his ears.

One of the investigators speaking to BNN after the results were released stated that, "Vandoofus appears to be up a shit creek without a paddle, because the only way he is gonna win this thing is if he is the sole entrant."

On that note we will sign off with a promise to bring you more as the story unfolds, and now for the weather with Ms Sizzling Hot...

Fighting Fire with Fire

Fire (Copyright © 2005 The Real Kahuna)

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- I have emerged from my self-imposed exile to show you clowns why I am The Real Kahuna. Let this post be an example.

So far I have seen posts from clowns who are promoting themselves [as a "sure winner"], clowns setting fires in order to win their own competition, and even bigger clowns who are more interested in the EXIF data [read: aperture, shutter speed, resolution] of their images than the [quasi-bogus] content itself.

To the EXIF freak, I ask of you, why don't you post the serial number of your camera as well? - I'm sure this will enhance the artistic value. To the arsonist, I will report your non-competitive practices to KNN if you don't watch it. To the Sure Winner, I must say you sure have done a good job of highlighting the curvature of the architecture of buildings near James Street, or more likely the barrel distortion of your [photographic] equipment!

Watch this space for an entire series on anthropology (the study of ants) and alternative light sources coming up soon. Just for the record, this image captured with a Sony DSC-D770. EXIF data available on request.

Fire

Fire (Copyright © 2005 Vandoofus)

Kahuna Condemns Vandoofus Allegations as Balderdash

BAY OF BUFFOONS, Cuba -- In a strongly worded statement released a short time ago, Kahuna declared the allegations made by Vandoodus to be “unadulterated bunkum,” adding that the whole prize appears to be “a Nigerian scam.” He said that Vandoofus is clearly after the prize himself and would stop at nothing to exclude the obviously superior photography of Kahuna and Darth Teddy.

Kahuna pointed out that Vandoofus has been lobbying to keep digital menace and arch-photographer Professor Gordon out of the contest for obvious reasons. He also said that Vandoofus does not seem to know the difference between gamma correction and exposure to gamma radiation. He said that the latter should be aimed at appropriate parts of the holy one’s anatomy to preclude any urge to procreate.

Kahuna threatened to create his own photography prize and exclude Vandoofus on the grounds of being unable to operate a camera if the allegations were not withdrawn by the close of business today.

KNN will monitor this developing situation (pun intended).

Vandoofus Prize Contestants Investigated for Cheating

ABUJA, Nigeria (ENN) -- Disturbing news coming from the committee responsible for organizing the Vandoofus Prize for the Best Digital Photography says at least two contestants are being investigated for possible cheating. One case involves a photograph that is apparently of a street sign taken at night. It is, however, suspected that the entry was in fact created using Microsoft Visio, a popular tool used to create visual designs of various systems. The contestant who submitted the entry, Big Kahuna, adamantly denied the charges and challenged the investigators to carry out a gamma radiation test on the photograph.

In the second case, Darth Teddy, formerly known as Teddybear, is facing possible disqualification after he was found to have been under the influence of a banned substance while taking photographs. The investigators are trying to determine if the substance enhanced Teddy’s performance giving him an unfair advantage over other contestants. Speaking to ENN, Teddy dismissed the claims as bogus and alleged his reputation has been unfairly compromised by elements within the competition who fear his entries have a strong potential to win the overall competition.

The officials promised a speedy investigation and said anyone found to have broken the law will be disqualified immediately.

And then there was Laughter

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- A little over four years ago on September 2^nd 2001, Kahuna created The Circus on Yahoo Groups. He then rested for two days and sent out the First Message on the 4^th of September at 2:49pm (GMT+6):

Can you clowns confirm you received this?

This was a momentous occasion rivaling Alexander Graham Bell’s first communication over the telephone. Unlike Bell, however, Kahuna did not spill corrosive substances upon Himself in the process. The First Response was received a few minutes later from none other than Huggles:

I got it you idiot...
Now stop wasting my time...
Awwww... I was only joking [Kahuna]... Pumpkin...

Quite an anti-climax. However, in retrospect, Huggles appears to have been always horny. This led to a cautionary response from Kahuna:

Now now, down boy... Not in public.

While this appeared to have sorted out Huggles, Professor Gordon responded (quite predictably) with:

This is getting to be sordid.

And thus was buffoonery unleashed upon the world.

Barrow Full of Flowers

Barrow Full of Flowers (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

WEST HIGHLAND LINE, Scotland -- A lone wheelbarrow adds a splash of color to a nameless railway platform somewhere along the extraordinarily scenic West Highland Line from Glasgow to Mallaig.

Photographed through the glass of a train coach on 8^th September 2005 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/4) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/160^th of a second.

Sign in the Dark

Sign in the Dark (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

AMBLESIDE, United Kingdom -- A street sign glows for a brilliant instant from the light of the flash, in an otherwise pitch dark night.

Captured on the night of 6^th September 2005, with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/4) and a resultant shutter speed of 1/30^th of a second. The photograph was framed with the help of the auto-focus assist lamp on the attached Sony HVL-F32X flash unit, which caused the luminous sign to scintillate.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 5 – The Way of the Pelican

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In an apparently related incident yesterday after the much publicized swine-crossing, a large pelican appears to have lobbed a protest against Gordon's support for the Clean Swine Bill:

Gordon : A pelican shat on [GITT] today... Its 40%
         white now
Kahuna : A single pelican?
Gordon : A single
Gordon : You only realize how huge a pelican is when
         they shit on you
Kahuna : Heh heh heh
Kahuna : Your appointment as arch-zoologist seems to
         be paying off
Gordon : #@$$#%#%#%
Gordon : Or it could be the Jack Daniel's after shave

Although, the pelican's specific grouse against the bill is not known, experts believe that this could be a serious setback for Gordon. "A shitload of trouble," as one expert put it.

Taking a distinctly gravitational view, the Monster commented that, "the pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass." He added that NASA has been requested to verify his proposition.

St Vandoofus was reportedly amused by the incident, proposing "Protesting Pelican Shits on Clean Swine Bill" and "Pelicans Drop their Thoughts about the Clean Swine Bill" as headlines for this report.

The Setting of Day

The Setting of Day (Copyright © 2005 Darth Teddy)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The peaceful setting of day, the sun disappearing over the horizon. Another winner taken with a Nikon Coolpix 3700. 

A Colourful Path

A Colourful Path (Copyright © 2005 Darth Teddy)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- A pictureque street captured by a Nikon Coolpix 3700. A sure winner with competition such as poultry, felines and accidental entries due to fear. This is a street in close proximity to St. James Street in Brighton.

High Living at the Temple of the Monkey

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- It was no secret that the monkeys of the Temple were indeed a privileged lot, what with the subsidized cuisine and bullock carts free of duty. Even so, the discovery of a cannabis plantation on the premises has been quite a shock, as reported in today's Daily Mirror.

Given that the plantation was located on a terraced garden in the main building complex, it certainly gives a new meaning to the term plant pot. However, the discovery of the clandestine gardening operation is likely to put things out of joint for the perpetrators.

On hearing the news, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) issued a statement saying he felt fully vindicated by his decision in April last year to move the Bogotic North Pole of the planet from Sacramento to Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte. He added that the California State Legislature is never in an intoxicated state.

KNN will bring you updates of this developing story.

Pig in the City – The Big Bad Gordon Story

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In dramatic news breaking from the capital, arch-zoologist Professor Gordon has reported seeing a large pig cross a road in the heart of Colombo.

The mysterious incident is believed to have occurred on D R Wijewardena Mawatha shortly after midnight while Gordon was returning home in his flagship automobile after imperial business. It is not entirely clear why the pig chose to cross the road during a Gordon transit. However, industry sources mused that this may have been a request for hogwash, given Gordon’s support for the controversial Clean Swine Bill.

Speaking to KNN this morning, Kahuna pointed out that the alleged scene of the swine was a known bogon source owing to the presence of institutions such as Sri Lanka Post and Lake House. The latter establishment in particular He said was capable of creating significant reality distortion, resulting in not simply hogs, but even an entire herd of wildebeest, apparently funded by the opposition.

In a further sordid twist to the saga, Kahuna revealed that the arch-zoologist was detained by Colombo’s finest soon after the episode and questioned on suspicion of driving under the influence [drink ekak dhaalada inne?]. A fuming Gordon is reported to have categorically denied the charges and alleged that the constabulary mistook the bouquet of his Adidas after shave for that of an alcoholic beverage--notably Tennessee’s celebrated Jack Daniel’s. The exchange is understood to have involved much huffing and puffing with a rating of at least 80 proof. Unfortunately, the portly one appears to have been subsequently discharged without arrest.

Kahuna speculated that hog sightings might increase in the coming days, given that December 32^nd is Hogswatchnight. When asked if Gordon may be eyeing the post of Hogfather, He replied that it was a distinct possibility. However, He added that Gordon would probably use the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) to bring home the bacon instead of the more traditional sleigh pulled by Gouger, Rooter, Tusker and Snouter.

Professor Gordon was not available for comment and KNN will continue to hog bandwidth until further notice.

Vandoofus Prize Update: Keeping Professor Gordon Out

FISHKILL, New York -- The much anticipated Vandoofus Prize recipient is to be determined by a vote at the end of the year and so far entries from Vandoofus himself and Kahuna have been fighting for the top prize in this ‘to-be’ annual event. Speaking to photo bloggers recently, Vandoofus said he is optimistic that he will be able to win his own prize defeating the sole competitor Kahuna who has submitted ducks and cats which show very little potential.

In contrast, Vandoofus has submitted number of funky, alternative photos which he admits was taken accidentally with random setting. He is still in the process of learning how to operate the rather complex (by his standards) piece of electronics with a lens. “The entry House of Horrors was captured entirely by accident while bolting out of the horror house for obvious reasons,” said Vandoofus describing the circumstances behind one of his colorful entries.

While making a public statement welcoming any competition from other circusittes, it is alleged that Vandoofus, in private, has said he wishes to keep Gordon out of the race for fear of losing the prize to Gordon.

Vandoofus has secretly told someone who wishes to remain anonymous, that all measures will be taken to keep Gordon, who is currently out in the Capitol Hill lobbying for the Clean Swine Bill, out of the competition to secure an easy victory for himself over Kahuna.

Boats at Anchor on Windermere

Boats at Anchor on Windermere (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

AMBLESIDE, United Kingdom -- View of the calm, almost mirror-like surface of Windermere from Borruns Park, a short walk from the town. The Pilgrims First lies at anchor in the center of the photograph. Captured on 6^th September, using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP with 1/400^th of a second shutter and aperture of f/8.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 10

It’s rather difficult to remain credible with a balloon floating around one's office.

- Kahuna, on the pitfalls of a helium balloon doing the thermals during a project review.

Are you suggesting you're incredible by presence of balloon? That’s the most bogus thing I've heard in a while: incredibility by helium balloon.

- Gordon, taking an unduly gaseous view of the proceedings.

I have caused a flood.

- Kahuna, admitting complicity in a plumbing malfunction when operating the washer.

I have also personally laundered the household canine subsystems.

- Kahuna, taking credit for bathing the dogs.

To get the buffoon phone voice dialling to work, I have to shut off the stereo and warn all other occupants to shut up.

- Gordon, explaining the sophisticated voice-dialling capability of GITT Mk2.

The most interesting thing I did this week was to render a spiral.

- Kahuna, revealing graphic detail of his workweek.

Unfortunately, this French keyboard is getting to me.

- The Regulator, challenged by a non-standard input device in Tunis.

Are you asking people to toil for unknown gains?

- Gordon, on being told that the Quantum of Loot (QOL) of the Vandoofus Prize was as yet unspecified.

I will have you done in and be eligible for the peace prize, if you don’t watch it.

- Gordon, attempting to make peace with Kahuna using a brute-force method.

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

- Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

You can then be a higher accident risk as you fumble the collective while trying to change a CD.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on the risk of the arch-motorist operating a helicopter equipped with a compact disc player.

The fricking swan is your entry?

- St Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s entry for the Vandoofus Prize.

You will join the dots BTBOTP.

- Gordon, explaining his Dotted Line Method of Management Reporting.

I'm one. The pope is one. Therefore, the pope and I are one^[1].

- Kahuna, explaining the reason for his ultra-conservative views on sex.

When you pull this off, I'll be waiting with a shotgun.

Kahuna to Gordon, issuing an event-triggered parting shot.

A fire drill is in progress … I will however, try to avoid this by invading another floor.

- Gordon, laying out plans to circumvent a floor-specific evacuation exercise and the associated physical exertion of climbing down fifteen flights of stairs.

^[1] Originally attributed to logician Bertrand Russell.

Waffles in Repose

Waffles in Repose (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Waffles basks in the sun after a tree-climbing exercise. Captured today, in sepia mode using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP on shutter priority (1/320^th of a second) with a resultant aperture of f/4.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 4 – The Way of the Hog

KENDALIYADDEPALUWA, Ganemulla -- KNN has learned that portly arch-zoologist Professor Gordon plans to support legislation endorsing the laundering of swine at taxpayers' expense:

Kahuna : Hogwash!
Gordon : What you do with your hogs is your business
Kahuna : Are you trying to moot the Hog Privacy Act?
         X-(
Gordon : Er no, the Clean Swine Bill
Kahuna : This contradicts your previous assertion
Kahuna : You’re trying to mandate hogwash
Gordon : Bullshit
Kahuna : Poppycock

The discussion is believed to have taken a strong stench downwind thereafter. No pigs were left unwashed in the course of this production.

Vandoofus Drowns the Duck!

The House of Horrors. (Copyright © 2005 St Vandoofus) Looks like a perehera, but it isn't. This is the entrance to a horror house in Ella during Poson.




Nobody's Children. (Copyright © 2005 St Vandoofus) Kids in an orphanage in Vavunia who often depend on the army for basic necessities.




Two Leaves and a Bud. (Copyright © 2005 St Vandoofus) The making of the cup that cheers.




The Tea Plucker. (Copyright © 2005 St Vandoofus) A girl working in a tea estate takes a break to smile.

Swan Lake

Swan Lake (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

AMBLESIDE, United Kingdom -- A swan on Windermere stares at its own reflection on a bright sunny day, droplets of water rolling off its beak. Captured on 6^th September 2005, using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP on aperture priority (f/4) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/1000^th of a second.

Vandoofus Prize Announced

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- His Holiness St Vandoofus today announced the Vandoofus Prize for Photography after many weeks of wrangling with Kahuna vis-à-vis the technicalities of the award.

It is understood that Vandoofus had originally mooted the idea of a Kahuna Memorial Trophy to which Kahuna had raised strong objections, for the most part because He was not dead yet. Insiders believe that Vandoofus had offered to remedy the situation leading to a breakdown in negotiations. However, an apparent compromise had been reached subsequently, allowing the public announcement to be made.

Speaking to the media, His Holiness said that the Vandoofus Prize would be awarded to the best original photograph posted at the Circus and selected by peer review. Any number of original photographs may be entered and there is no restriction on theme or content. Photographs may be blogged using Picasa, Hello or the Blogger post editor, using the methods explained here.

The winner stands to pocket one million Circus Dollars^[1] and will be hosted to a meal by Vandoofus in New York City or Colombo--by Memorandum of Understanding with Kahuna^[2]. Vandoofus said that the frequency of the award would initially be dependent on blog activity, which is presently at an all-time low possibly due to an all-time high level of apathy.

Critics dismissed the announcement saying it was just another opportunity for an inter-continental food binge. They added that the whole process was doomed since the peers proposed for the peer review were "a bunch of clowns." Kahuna warned that He would silence detractors with a well-aimed cactus. Digital menace Professor Gordon hinted that he may be in the running for the Prize after an unsuccessful bid for the Ansari X Prize earlier this year.

KNN will provide live coverage of this new development.

^[1] The parity rates against internationally accepted legal tender are currently negative.
^[2] Airfare not included. Not redeemable in cash or kind. Low-fat meal provided on request. Void where invalid or expressly prohibited by law.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came...

- Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo

These are full lyrics of the unmistakable theme song from Cheers, the multi Emmy Award winning sitcom that first aired in September 1982 and ran for eleven seasons. You can read the story and listen to the song at www.garyportnoy.com.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 3 – The Way of the Spider

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- Evidence has surfaced implicating the portly arch-zoologist Professor Gordon in a new web of intrigue involving high-speed automobile usage:

Gordon : Were you responsible for the large spider
         that manifested on my windscreen in the 
         midst of traffic? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed
Gordon : I thought as much X-(
Kahuna : Was it a very large arachnid?
Gordon : Quite
Kahuna : Then it was the one I commissioned
Gordon : You remember I sent a photo which scared 
         [the Teddybear] once?  One of that type
Kahuna : This is quite a large instance of said 
         object class
Gordon : The RSPCA will hear about this. Said 
         spider was subjected to winds exceeding
         100 kmph[1] X-(
Kahuna : The fact that you did not slow down despite
         said spider being exposed to a force 10 
         gale will be part of the RSPCA report
Gordon : I slowed down[2] when I saw it X-(
Kahuna : You will be charged with attempted 
         arachnicide X-(
Gordon : And you with criminal abuse of spiders
Kahuna : Murderer!

No spiders were harmed during the course of this production.

^[1] Incontrovertible evidence of a highway code violation.
^[2] Corroborating evidence of [1] above.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 9

One Berry has concluded flashing her assets.

- Ebenezer Gordon, Professor of Boobology at MIT, verifying that the assets in question were indeed present and accounted for in Catwoman.

So long and thanks for all the humps.

- Darth Teddy, issuing a parting shot.

Eh? Are you proposing a lens up your ass?

- Gordon to Kahuna, hypothesising the Carl Zeiss Recto-Sonnar lens during a highly refracted discussion on optics.

[The] potential difference dropped to 0V.

- Gordon, reporting an unexpected loss of electrical power in the wilderness of Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Try climbing a coconut tree, the potential should increase. I'm arranging the thunderstorm.

- Kahuna, providing a highly charged solution to Gordon’s potential loss.

We are a technology firm. We use vacuum cleaners.

- Gordon, explaining his decision to replace the broomstick as a mode of transportation on Samhain Eve.

You know, pre-historic artillery might not work on these tiny islands. You might have to resort to something more accurate: like catapult.

- The Regulator, advising Kahuna on appropriate arms to invade her republic and install her as Despot.

For your information, Diego Garcia belongs to this banana republic. When I'm made Despot, I'm going to fight for that too. Using catapult of course.

- The Regulator, unveiling her decidedly ballistic foreign policy.

Before you came along, I was a simple, banana eating, law-abiding citizen of this la-la land.

- The Regulator, blaming Kahuna for her rise to power.

Do you know there are legal implications [with] people of your age being online at this time?

- The Regulator, raising a point of law after finding Kahuna online during the wee hours.

The opportunity to push [the Teddybear] off at two thousand feet also presents itself.

- Kahuna, on the advantages of hot air ballooning.

I will now lunch() mode=supervised.

- Gordon, on his first managed lunch after failing a lipid profile.

I'll introduce a pyramid and take the discussion into a whole new dimension.

- Gordon to Kahuna, upping the ante in a high-stakes game of Vertices and Edges.

Were you responsible for the large spider that manifested on my windscreen in the midst of traffic?

- Gordon to Kahuna, seeking answers to a mysterious increase in the arachnid count.

We have been subjected to unknown chemicals by the government BTBOTP.

- Gordon, taking issue with the Elections Commissioner’s pink indelible ink, since turned black.

Its high time someone announced an election result BTBOTP.

- Gordon, expressing displeasure at the non-disclosure of election results by 9:00pm.

Quantum Electodynamics (QED) 101

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- With electoral bogosity in progress, we now take a scientific view of the proceedings to better understand the underlying principles of any election. The fundamental particle of an election is the ballotino. Ballotinos have zero rest mass and hence do not posses momentum. It is, therefore, quite difficult to actually do something useful with a ballotino. The particles, however, carry the quantum properties of color, promise, spin and strangeness.

Ballotinos are fermions and obey Fermi-Dirac statistics. Consequently, they are also subject to the Pauli exclusion principle. Hence, it is impossible for a group of ballotinos to occupy the same energy state (i.e., political platform) and act like a single entity as would a group of bosons.

Ballotinos carry color charge in a manner similar to gluons, with an anti-color carried backwards in time. However, the rules of ballotino interaction differ considerably from gluon exchange. In particular, ballotino interaction rules are highly political and may differ from election to election. Gluons on the other hand, follow fixed rules. In the current electoral environment ballotinos carry blue (with green in the reverse direction), red (antigreen) and green (antiblue or antired) color charge. Ballotinos with like color charges attract, while unlike charges repels. Unlike charges forced together in a strong talk show field tend to annihilate each other releasing vast amounts of noise.

Ballotinos also interact heavily with bogons. A ballotino may absorb a bogon and change color or recoil in a different direction. A high-energy ballotino may likewise emit a bogon and change color or recoil.

Ballotinos are full of promise, but empirical evidence suggests that these are mostly empty. Some ballotinos are quite strange indeed, even bordering on bovine. There are no known limitations to a ballotino’s strangeness. By virtue of promise and strangeness, ballotinos can put quite a spin on things.

It is common in some nations to use other fundamental particles such as bulletinos to disrupt and cause interference during ballotino interaction. The bulletino possesses mass and, therefore, considerable momentum particularly in the case of the heavy bulletino.

The existence of the anti-ballotino has been theorized, but remains elusive with no experimental evidence found using contemporary particle accelerators. It is rumored that crackpot inventor Professor Gordon may be constructing a purpose-built Ballotinotron or Large Ballotino Collider to discover the absconding anti-particle. Such a device is believed to be possible by arranging a large number of talk show hosts in a ring arrangement. It is feared that the discovery of anti-ballotinos would have the potential to spontaneously annihilate all known political activity.

When contacted by KNN, Gordon vehemently denied he was conducting experiments to discover the anti-ballotino. We continue to monitor the developing lunacy.

The Eve of Samhain

INVERGORDON, Scotland -- The dark half of the year begins tonight with the Eve of Samhain. Winter is upon us and the world grows colder. Kahuna announced that He would be presiding over bonfire ceremonies later tonight, and did not rule out sacrificing Darth Teddy on grounds of dubious cuddliness.

It is believed that Darth Gordon will do the rounds tonight in a highly modified, polarity reversed vacuum cleaner. The portly one has decided against the traditional broomstick due to concerns of increased drag given his generous aerodynamic profile. It is also believed that the device will be heavily cloaked to avoid radar.

Kahuna accused Gordon of attempting to cause global warming by operating a SUV with complete disregard for the environment. Industry analysts cautioned that Gordon’s indiscriminate gas guzzling could result in a severe emission problem while escalating demand and triggering an oil crisis. Responding to critics, Gordon angrily declared that his vacuum cleaner was environmentally friendly and denied that it was powered by flatulence.

The situation remained flammable at the time of blogging and KNN will monitor the situation with a blowtorch.

Monstrous Greetings!

Foliage Ablaze (Copyright © 2005 The Monster)

MIDDLETOWN, Connecticut - Greetings fellow Clowns! Pardon the long silence on my part and apologies to Darth Teddy and most of you for my sudden, uninformed, Bogusa-enforced relocation; Hope you are all keeping well & merry!

Belated B'day wishes to all large clowns of fame born in the month of October! Naresh & Suren!

I leave you with a picturesque capture from my habitual Sunday evening walk trough the Autumn struck woods, enjoy...