In Memoriam

For those who died in Asia on 26^th December 2004.

Do not Stand at my Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there: I did not die

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

Gordon Exploits Cats' Paws in Power Bid

File photo of Augustus, Spartacus and Claudius (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)

NEW ROME, Ganemulla – In late-breaking news, KNN has learned of sordid actives in the cat-infested headquarters of arch-zoologist, Professor Gordon. It has come to light that the crackpot taxidermist’s three cats, Augustus, Claudius and Spartacus hold portfolios in the newly formed Gordon Administration. The thug Spartacus has been appointed Gordon's Secretary of Defense, while the sadistic Augustus is reportedly Secretary of State. The insatiable Claudius has apparently taken over as Chief of Staff.

Political analysts predicted that the Gordon Administration’s foreign policy would be similar to the cowboy-style adopted by the Shrub Administration, but with more cats and less horses. Particle physicists strongly disagreed and said that cats tend to exhibit fermion behavior and resist herding in accordance with the Pauli exclusion principle. They added that Gordon’s was doomed from the get go, as his cats would be unable to agree on anything, including when to have a nap. Political analysts shot back saying this was all a load of bosons. No immediate condensate was likely at the time of blogging.

The rationale behind Gordon’s feline naming convention remains a mystery. However, sources close to the situation revealed that Gordon is trying to resurrect the Roman Empire and unilaterally declare himself despot and emperor under the name and style of Gaius Gordianus Maximus (i.e., Fat Gordon). He would be known in the common tongue as Gordian IV (Gordian III having been previously bumped off by the Praetorian Guard). Kendaliyaddapaluwa will become the New Rome (Nova Roma) of the proposed empire, the standard of which will bear the acronym GFQR (Gordianus Felisque Romanus) which translates as Gordon and the Cats of Rome. Historians mused that this bears an uncanny resemblance to the ancient SPQR (Senatus Populusque Romanus) or the Senate and the People of Rome, used during the days of the old empire.

Speaking to the media, Kahuna condemned Gordon’s proposed move and threatened to airdrop a container-load of catnip (Nepeta cataria) over New Rome to disrupt the senate session scheduled for later this evening. In response, Secretary Augustus spat back and threatened to invade Kahuna’s Republic of Boston in search of the fabled Cheese of Mass Destruction. Kahuna vehemently denied the existence of such a device and said that any act of aggression would be met with stiff resistance.

KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of this developing story.

Good Luck, Teddybear!

The Circus wishes the Teddybear all the best for his exams tomorrow. Of course, we would also like to remind the Bear that studying really hard helps too! Kahuna would also like to take this opportunity to share His favorite exam question:

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

However, we hope the Bear's exam won't require props other than pen and paper :-)

Cat Receives MBA – Academia Goes to the Dogs

SANTA CATALINA, California Republic -- Outright Buffoonery (OB) has been reported from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where a deputy attorney general’s cat has been awarded an online MBA. The report filed by the Associated Press and reported by CNN is reproduced in part below.

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania (AP) -- The Pennsylvania attorney general's office Monday sued an online university for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat.

Trinity Southern University in Texas, a cellular company and the two brothers who ran them are accused of misappropriating Internet addresses of the state Senate and more than 60 Pennsylvania businesses to sell fake degrees and prescription drugs by spam e-mail, according to the lawsuit.

Investigators paid $299 for a bachelor's degree for Colby Nolan -- a deputy attorney general's 6-year-old black cat -- claiming he had experience including baby-sitting and retail management.

The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average.

This latest academic lunacy follows simian doctoral awards made in Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte, the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

In a press release issued to the media, Professor Gordon revealed that the three cats residing at his known hideout had advanced degrees in catnapping, cataloging and computerized axial tomography. Kahuna responded by accusing Gordon of cat burglary and operating an unauthorized zoo. These claims have not been substantiated, although an above-average concentration of porcupines was encountered within the premises.

Catbert (a senior clown of feline persuasion from the Bogusan Empire) was not available for comment on these latest developments.

The Monkey Doctor – Academia Goes Ape

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In academic news, doctoral degrees in that most noble field of political science, are now handed out based on the prospective candidate’s oral aperture (measured in f-stops), vocal magnitude (measured in decibels) and MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) rather than intelligence quotient. Links to unsavory characters? Capital! Extra credits.

The incumbents of the Temple of the Monkey are eminently suitable for this honor bestowed by an institution that is, in retrospection not merely open, but gaping. Geologists believe that this level of openness borders on faulty and eclipses the Strait of Gibraltar by several orders of magnitude.

Gibraltar is incidentally, the home of the Barbary Ape (Macaca sylvanus), the only semi-wild monkey in Europe. Its completely wild cousins may be seen in their natural habitat – the aptly named Temple mentioned previously.

In related news, Professor Gordon issued a statement suggesting that the world's energy needs could be completely met if the hot air and greenhouse gas output of all politicians was efficiently harnessed. In hurriedly presented counter-proposals, Kahuna suggested that all politicians be flug into space using a specially constructed mass driver.

Sunset in Bentota

Sunset in Bentota (Copyright © 2001 E Gordon)

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- The light and shadow of a brilliant sunset in May 2001, captured by Professor Gordon using his trusty Sony DSC-D770. Brought to you from Kahuna's vast photographic archives.

Snakes, Ladders and Luddites

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Matters have taken a decidedly serpentine twist with top tax consultant, P Guruge commenting that the latest budget is one of “Snakes and Ladders.” The Daily Mirror Financial Times of 26^th November reported Guruge as saying

One can see rattlesnakes and cobras in addition to a few very dangerous anacondas. If the Finance Minister cannot deal with them properly or eliminate them, the ladders available may not be sufficient not only for him, but for the entire country to have a safe destination.

The full analysis is due to be published next week. Taking time off from his tour of Brazil to speak to the media, Kahuna offered to supply the minister a personal boa constrictor. Experts warned that this could seriously cramp the minister’s style. Meanwhile, the Finance Ministry is reportedly seeking a herpetologist and a carpenter to join their ranks in an effort at damage control.

In more idiotic developments, the newly re-polarized Bogus Village has taken over advanced technology and enterprise development. There goes enterprise technology. We may as well consult the Luddites on our technology policy. It appears that Senator Clinton got it right when she wrote, It Takes a Village.

Kahuna proposes degaussing Parliament while in session (using a flux density of at least 3000 tesla), until such time Professor Gordon launches all politicians into low Earth orbit.

Kahuna Rejects the Teddybear's Resignation

RIO DE KAHUNA, Brazil -- In response to the Teddybear’s sudden resignation, Kahuna would like to clarify what appears to be a misapprehension on the part of the Bear. Yesterday, Kahuna queried the identity of the person in the image posted by the Bear, as it was completely alien to the blog. The Bear, nevertheless dismissed Kahuna’s concerns and absconded without providing a reasonable answer. Kahuna then decided to issue an apology to the person in question as He is strongly opposed to the use of third party imagery in that manner.

Kahuna wishes to remind the Bear that He neither asked for the removal nor attempted the removal of the post in question. He merely questioned the ethics of using a mug shot of a person completely disjoint from the proceedings of the Circus, superimposed upon the visage of some species of chimpanzee (possibly Pan troglodytes). The Bear is well aware of Kahuna’s views on these matters, and these views do not infringe upon the Bear’s First Amendment rights.

Kahuna would also like to add that at no point did He object to the textual content of the post as He believes firmly in the aforementioned First Amendment, and does not support censorship. Having said that, Kahuna also wishes to state that the use of the image in the sordid context of the Bear’s post could reasonably be held to be highly defamatory of the person portrayed.

Kahuna does not interfere in the right of clowns to blog what they wish. However, He reserves the right to counter-blog His own views when necessary.

The freedom granted by the First Amendment is precious and must be used responsibly. Kahuna rejects the Bear's resignation and urges him to watch Skokie, Dirty Pictures and The People vs. Larry Flynt. He hopes the Bear will return to the Circus.

PS: Kahuna would advise the Bear equip himself with body armor (a Bear necessity) in accordance with his Second Amendment right, as the pot shots may fall where they will.

Resignation

The Teddybear hereby resigns from the blog due to indignation of Kahuna's accusations of unauthorized postings. The Bear had fun while he was here and urges Kahuna not to assume things he knows Balls about. The Bear grunts you farewell and parts with the rasberry salute.

P.S. - The victimized post will be deleted. The Teddybear's previous posts will also be deleted if the authorities wish.

Apologies ...

Kahuna wishes to apologize to whoever is portrayed in the image from the last post for the possible unauthorized use. While we believe firmly in the freedom granted by the First Amendment, we try not to insult or implicate people who don't deserve to be.

Vandoofus Picks up Intel on Kahuna's Latest

Colombo 7, Sri Lanka (ENN) - In a breaking news flash received last month, Vandoofus’s Intel has released a statement saying the agency has picked up increasing chatter relating to Kahuna’s relationship with an unnamed companion. In earlier reports, Kahuna was reported seen in public with a member of the opposite sex believed to be Kahuna’s better half. Vandoofus’s Intel chief has put one and one together and concluded that the unnamed companion is the female better half (female + better half = female better half). After this brilliant piece of intelligence work, Vandoofus’s Intel chief, has been promoted to the post of Senior Chief of Vandoofus Intel, a post recently vacated by Condi Rice to become the worst ever defense secretary in the US history. Kahuna who was available for comments did not specifically deny any of the Intel reports but said "I did not have sex with that woman". The reason for Kahuna strange reaction is still unclear. Meanwhile, Vandoofus has offered a reward of 1 million Turkish Lira to anyone who can upload a photograph of the suspected female better half. (Taxes and other restrictions may apply. The recipient must be 18 years or older and hold a valid drivers license Turkey, Turkmenistan or Kazakhstan.)

ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor

GENEVA, Switzerland -- In a surprise move the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) today re-issued an advisory first released three years ago announcing the SI unit for Clown Factor.

Geneva, May 2001 (AFP) -- The International Organization for Standardization today announced the Kern as the international (SI) unit for measuring Clown Factor. This follows the naming of [NHHOTPTG]^* Kern as the International Reference Clown, following extensive research and observations at its off-shore facilities. The Kern will be abbreviated Kn to avoid confusion with other SI units.

The previous unit of Clown Factor, the Druvi (D) will still be used in countries that follow the Imperial system of units. The following conversion factors are provided for reference:

                  1 Druvi = 10-4 Kern

      conversely, 1 Kern = 10,000 Druvi

All measures were taken where ambient Relative Bogosity was 0.46

This implies that the new Reference Clown (RC) is 10,000 times a bigger clown than the previous RC, Druvi(nda) [NHHOTPTG]. Although shocking, these values are deemed quite accurate, and the ISO provides the following factors which led to these high readings of the Kern.

1. The chances of people around a clown of 1 Kern getting thumped are definitely 10,000 times higher than those around a clown of 1 Druvi.
2. A clown of 1 Kern demonstrates adverse alcohol-seeking qualities, as opposed to a 1-Druvi clown which has never been observed near booze.
3. The chances of being involved in a motor accident are 10,000 times higher with a 1-Kern clown over a 1-Druvi clown at the wheel.
4. A 1-Kern clown exhibits strange sexual attraction to inanimate objects such as furniture, the last encountered 1-Kern clown was seen seeking crevices in a table.
5. A 1-Kern clown exhibits disturbing homophilic behavior.
6. A 1-Kern clown sings 10,000 times worse than a 1-Druvi clown, and since levels were quite bad at 1-Druvi, 1-Kern is unimaginably painful.
7. A 1-Kern clown will emit foul language in an infinite loop. 1-Druvi clowns are not known for foul language.
8. A 1-Kern clown practises racial ambiguity in a most disturbing manner.

It is widely believed that the notorious Professor Gordon may have conducted research on behalf of the ISO in 2001 and indeed authored the original advisory. Gordon was not available for comment on these latest allegations.

^*NHHOTPTG = Name Half-Heartedly Obfuscated to Protect the Guilty

Teddybear Decadent, Gordon Stockpiling, Says Kahuna

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Kahuna denied any involvement in weapons trafficking late Sunday, and accused the Teddybear of holding an orgy to eclipse all orgies, including those held in ancient Rome. He added that the remnants of the WMD (Weapons of Mass Decadence) left behind at the scene of the debauchery clearly illustrated the extent of the sordid goings-on. Investigators suspect that the Teddybear may have been cuddling with his Indian and Italian counterparts during the night in question. However, no evidence of these activities has come to light thus far.

Kahuna also charged that the notorious El Gordo alias Professor Gordon was stockpiling arms and called for a search of the criminal mastermind’s rural lair. He noted that the Shrub Administration was still hunting high and low for the so-called WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) Gordon removed from Iraq.

When contacted, Gordon defended his actions, asserting that the WMD were for his personal use, and therefore, allowed under his proposed Freedom of Destruction Act. Political analysts believe that Gordon may use WMD to fast track his legislation through parliament à la Guy Fawkes.

The Orgibear ... sorry, Teddybear was unable to comment due to the continuing after-effects of the orgy. Huggles, meanwhile is reportedly being pursued by the catering staff of the Bank of Ghana (BOG), allegedly for purposes of consummating some form of civil union. The serial hugger had taken himself into protective custody and was not available for comment.

KNN will continue to provide rib-tickling coverage of these developing events.

News Flash: Missing WMD's Uncovered!

Missing WMD's (Copyright © 2004 Teddybear)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- An accurate report by one Huggles on a gathering of bears has resulted in chaos. Although, it must be noted that Winnie the s**t and Yogi mysteriously disappeared half way through the night and were not seen again for the remainder of the gathering. We are expecting to see lots of little s**ts running around in the very near future. More on that later.

As displayed above, a raid on the Bear's pad revealed the WMD's that were shipped by one Kahuna(big) in bulk. Unfortunately as can be seen the the WMD's had been detonated, 'puked' so to speak ... as opposed to nuked.

The officer in charge of the raid, Inspector Feelmeup Please was heard to say, "It was not a pretty sight, whoever did this had some furball against this international colony of bears." The Teddybear was unable, not unavailable to comment due to effect of the nuke.

A stray puke was last seen speeding after a couple of crazy hairy Indians and a random Italian. More on this in the weeks to come.

And now for the weather by Ms. Hail Storm ...

Sighting: A Gathering of Bears

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- A gathering of a multitude of bears has been reported in and around the Brighton area this evening. It is rumoured that the Teddybear is leading this hairy group and bear watchers have confirmed that celebrities such as Yogi and Winnie the Pooh have also been sighted.

It is unclear at this time the purpose of this great gathering of bears, but analysts suggest a clear connection to the mysterious dissappearence of arms, ammunition and WMDs from various parts of the world.

Although, no one has stepped up to take responsibility Professor Gordon has pointed his finger squarely at Kahuna(big). A few moments ago, in a press release, Kahuna had threatened Vandoofus with the use of the Second Amendment, the right to arm bears. When reached for comment Kahuna was seen participating in the strange ritual of eating his foot and indicated that he should not be disturbed.

We will keep you informed as the situation unfolds.

Vandoofus Contemplates Censorship

RYE BROOK, New York - Supreme Commander of everything and anything, Vandoofus, is said to have been distraught over the length of some of the accounts appearing on the Circus. He criticized some of the long and painful-to-read articles written by certain unnamed individuals. The whole reading experience has brought back unpleasant memories of the Commander’s 4 year tenure at a certain educational establishment in Wellawatte. Vandoofus is said to be considering introducing censorship to control the contributions to the Circus which has so far been largely independent and free of restrictions. But Vandoofus argues, if the contributors are unable to conduct themselves in professional and ethical manner keeping the articles short and simple without the use big words, the Commander has no other choice but to take some very strong and unpleasant actions.

ALERT!! Bogosity Concentration

GREATER, Africa -- Many countries in Africa today have been in a state of emergency following reports that the CFI (Clown Factor Index) of the region has increased exponentially over the past few days. In an unprecedented move of co-operation the African nations have all banded together to investigate this strange phenomenon. Even the warring factions in Ivory Coast have set aside their differences and focused on this new threat.

Kahuna(big) has stated in his address to the free people of the planet, that incidents initiated by the mega corp in Malabe has resulted in this buffoonery. In a bid to balance the CF in the west side of Africa it is reported that a big clown (alias JCR IV), 4^th generation in a family of big clowns and his accomplice (hereafter referred to as the accomplice) have been dispatched to the east side of Africa. Apparently many in the continent have been terrified by an alleged invitation by the accomplice sent across the continent to kiss his er... behind. According to research carried out by Kahuna, these incidents have compounded the CF in the region and is nearing proportions similar to those seen of late in the Bogus States of America.

There have been no new developments on the African/German conspiracy blogged earlier, and analysts remain clueless regarding this matter, although they have welcomed the new developments in the region as a convenient excuse to focus their attention elsewhere.

In other unrelated news it is reported that Kenya has finally bogotified their country beyond all hope by jumping on the technology band wagon after many unsuccessful attempts. They have apparently automated the country's securities depository. It is suspected that the 4^th generation clown and the accomplice may have had a hand in this. Neither of them were available for comment at the time of writing but are suspected of hiding under hotel beds.

Mozilla Foundation Releases Firefox 1.0!

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- The Mozilla Foundation has announced the production release of Firefox 1.0, with advanced popup blocking, fraud prevention, tabbed browsing, live bookmarks, built-in RSS support and hundreds of add-ons. All in a 4.8 MB installation package. Download here.

In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna welcomed the new browser saying it was high time the asses in Redmond were kicked out of Earth orbit. Professor Gordon, a long-time fan of the defective software empire was not available for comment.

Teddybear Catches the Bug

A colorful street scene in Brighton (Copyright © 2004 Teddybear)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In latest developments, the Teddybear has caught the photography bug and is experimenting with his new digital camera. Kahuna has decided to blog this on the Bear's behalf as he would never get around to doing it himself.

Click on the image for a full-size version as the compression used by Hello for the inline image is somewhat lossy.

It is widely believed that more works of Teddybear will be blogged in the future.

Topologists Raise Alarm, Guests Baffled

BEIJING, China -- Topologists have raised concerns about the user-friendliness of the polyhedral container class being constructed by Menace Industries, Inc. It has come to light that a common or garden guest would be completely baffled by the n-sided contraption and require special assistance to locate and unravel the item of confection embedded within. This quest has come to be known as the Tour de Cabbage.

Some experts were also of the view that the component polygons of the container were in fact irregular myriagons or even irregular googolgons. This stunning disclosure has led to several senior clowns—including the Ambassador to Beijing—proposing that some form of prior instruction be afforded to guests. It is envisaged that this would be modeled after the pre-flight safety demonstration of a commercial airliner.

Industry insiders believe that Menace Industries is already in talks with Vandoofus Airlines of Skylark, Connecticut for technical backing.

KNN will provide exceptionally biased coverage of this developing story.

Kahuna Reports a Week of Buffoonery

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Reports from western Africa indicate the formation of a severe spatiotemporal anomaly merging parts of Ghana with Berlin, Germany. Spatial geometricians believe that the soft toy specialist, Huggles is behind the dastardly phenomenon. Space-time around the alleged serial hugger appears to be not merely curved, but bent completely out of shape. It is understood that Huggles intends to move Berlin to Ghana with the aim of acquiring the historic Berlin Bear for his personal use. Informed sources revealed that Huggles is particularly interested in the Berlin Bear’s tongue and speculated that the Teddybear may be next in line for a possible acquisition along similar lines. They added that Huggles intends to become the cuddliest and give the Teddybear a run for his money.

When pressed for a comment, Huggles merely sniggered and grinned, surpassing the Cheshire Cat by several megawatts. In related news, cocoa prices skyrocketed to five-year highs due to increasing levels of bogosity in the nearby Republic of Côte d'Ivoire.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, the Menace (intended Consort of Huggles) has resorted to forced-labor in order to construct complex containers from irregular polygons. It is envisaged that these will hold items of confectionery during a planned ritual in the near future. Throughput—measured in vector polyhedra per fortnight—remains infuriatingly low. Kahuna and others have threatened retaliation and a potential mutiny among the enslaved has not been ruled out.

Detractors have also drawn similarities between the aforementioned container class and a cauliflower (Brassica oleracea botrytis). This was, however, upgraded to a cabbage (Brassica oleracea capitata) after some debate. Previous critics of the cabbage family have included Gaius Julius Caesar, whose blistering culinary invective, “Oh, stuff your brassica oleracea capitata!” was expunged from the Senate record in or around 52 BC [1][2].

Kahuna notes that the hilarious rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica), considered one of the most inherently funny words in the English language, is also a member of the cabbage family. Kumquat anyone? Duck!

Outright Buffoonery (OB) took place at a Circus held on Friday at the Bavarian Barn to commemorate the birthday of Reference Menace and known deviant Timothy. The male guests were subject to the usual untoward attention of the birthday boy and none escaped untouched. Among the gifts was a soft toy of leonine nature, items of apparel and explicit literature entitled Tantra: The Art of Mind Blowing Sex. It must be noted that a volume on the dark arts of Tibetan origin was presented at a similar ceremony last year. While Timothy’s Clown Consort objected to the material on grounds of yet more sleepless nights, Timothy and Buffy both appeared to be enthralled by the text. The situation deteriorated rapidly when the fiend insisted on reading excerpts of the text to those within earshot. A hasty exit from the premises was effected to avoid the inevitable descent towards anarchy. Analysts suspect that the Baroness, along with Kahuna may have played a key role in the selection of gifts. Kahuna, nevertheless, insisted that the Baroness acted alone. The Baroness in turn categorically denied the allegations and threatened to turn Kahuna into a toad.

The Teddybear, who has not been heard from frequently, is recovering from hyperextension and exhaustion due to excessive cuddling. With his cuddliness being questioned in a Circus Poll, the Teddybear has been cuddling extensively to prove himself. While only 25% of voters believed that the Teddybear is cuddly, a phenomenal 58% of those polled wished to have a personal cuddle before deciding. Informed sources reveal that the Teddybear is also eyeing the Japanese market. The Nikkei 225 reacted by closing almost a percentage point lower at the end of trading today. St Vandoofus, a vehement skeptic of the Teddybear cuddliness was not available for comment.

Professor Gordon, who had been lying low during the last week, successfully blocked the Suez Canal late Sunday by sabotaging a Liberian-registered oil tanker. Maintenance crews are struggling to repair the stranded vessel and clear the canal. The master saboteur is now reputedly eyeing the Panama Canal with the intent of holding the global shipping industry to ransom. Gordon’s Global Cooling initiative is also expected to permanently close the Northwest Passage and further limit shipping options, as he ushers in the next Ice Age. Oil prices remained high at the close of markets Monday.

[1] Alea Jacta Est: Gareth Thomas' Asterix Site for Grown-ups
[2] The Asterix Annotations 3.0

Exploits of Literature

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear has allegedly written a short paper on the division of labour and its relationship to the industrial revolution in America. This is hardly a topic to elaborate on as we at BNN don't really understand the contents of the paper and according to reliable sources neither does the Bear who was last seen trying to cuddle the professor concerned to achieve a higher grade.

It has also been reported that there have been suspicious cards that have exchanged hands on one Timothy's birthday that contained various pictures of known sex symbols. Huggles, Teddybear and the Sibling to name a few ... this has been deemed very appropriate. We are trying to get in touch with Huggles for comment. No, not trying to touch ... get in touch.

That’s all from the BNN office and now for the weather report with Mr. Rain Bow ...

Gordon Blocks Suez, Ships Stranded

PORT SAID, Egypt -- In the latest news reaching KNN, international master criminal Professor Gordon has successfully blockaded the Suez Canal, 45 miles south of Port Said. The shipping menace has engineered the breakdown of a Liberian-registered fuel tanker to force a shutdown of the canal.

It is reported that the passage of 40 ships have been blocked, causing chaos in the shipping industry. Gordon's motives are not entirely clear and the full impact of the situation is still being assessed.

This is a developing story and KNN will provide live coverage.

Shattering News: Hitler Liveth?

BERLIN, Ghana -- In shattering news today, a rather unasuming, mild mannered Mr Kent has reported on the daily planet on a plot to spread Nazism to every corner of the world. It has been noted that our very own Kahuna(big) has aided in this investigation by monitoring sensitive events on the web, which spins wide across the world, from his blogopolis (Although this is an illegal activity, due to the severity of the situation, kahuna has been subjected to a nominal punishment of 10 cuddles from Teddy (Kahuna has apparently passed out in pleasure at the time of writing and was unavailable for comment)).

It has been unearthed that certain parts of Africa seem to be missing from the world wide web and have been replaced by networks from Germany. The seductive yet thoroughly professional Ms Lane has been dispatched to uncover the truth and it is rumored that a certain member of the circus is awaiting impatiently for her to get to the bottom of this.

It is unclear at this time who is responsible, but interestingly, investigations have confirmed that Professor Gordon's middle name happens to be Adolf. The Empire has also stated that the increased activity on the Blogopolis may be a distractive ploy and are conducting investigations into the possibility of accomplices among the bloggers.

Citizens are advised to stay on their toes^*. Danger could strike anywhere...anytime... Boston and Brighton are already suspected to be overcome by this large menace.

The Allies are mobilising their armies even as we speak but reports confirm that the Commander in Chief of the Bogus States of America has, surprisingly, already stated an end to major combat.

We shall keep you informed as events unfold.

^*A recent survey has determined that ballet dancers have a life span much longer than others.

Breaking News: Circus Poll - Large Farce

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In a surprise raid by the BBI (Blogspot Bureau of Investigation) today it was discovered that the circus poll administered by one Big Kahuna was indeed quite bogus due to the fact that the accused was aware all along that the Teddybear was very cuddly thus rendering the poll completely useless.

In other news and completely irrelevantly the above sentence is probably one of the longest in history and quite possibly will not go down too well with one MS Word by B. Gates.

And now back to breaking news...

Such acts of time wasting of these faithful bloggers' time is a serious violation of good practice and the accused will be charged (by) Dearly for this ..... Dearly unfortunately was unavailable for comments due to her commitments of charging someone else...

It was also uncovered that bloggers who voted for a personal cuddle were also aware of the Teddybear's cuddliness and these was a combined ploy to try and exhaust the Teddybear of all his cuddles. This ploy however was a complete failure as the Teddybear has an unlimited supply of cuddles. The Teddybear, who was available for comment at this time, but deeply troubled by all these requests for personal cuddles stated, "To cuddle or not to cuddle, that is the question." A very deep comment. We thank the Bear.

Investigations are still underway by the BBI and the fate of Kahuna (Big) will be determined upon the uncovering of further evidence of bogosity.... The head of the investigation, Detective Smirnoff Jones assured us that the accused will be charged accordingly... by Dearly or otherwise.

That's all for now and as they say in the movies "May the farce be with you." This is BNN...

And now for the weather with our very own I. C. Fog...

Kahuna Heralds the Coming of Winter

This NB-complete photo titled omgimsoscared is the work of thecreatrus. Used under a Creative Commons License.

GAILLIMH, Éire -- Kahuna will preside over ceremonies tonight to usher in the winter and the New Year in harmony with the Celtic calendar. Bonfires and feasts are scheduled and some form of sacrifice has not been ruled out.

The Baroness—an active practitioner of the shadowy arts—is also expected to take to the skies tonight on her broomstick, weather permitting. The Baroness has threatened to turn Kahuna into a bat, should this sensitive information be blogged. However, her inability to locate the Book of Shadows at the crucial moment has confounded attempts thus far. Kahuna proposes to retaliate by arranging a plenary session of the Cat Council near her coven.

The Teddybear has not been heard from since partying in his underwear last night. Despite being a great believer in the principle of semper ubi sub ubi, it is not known if the supposedly cuddly one was successful in retaining them. Professor Gordon is absconding in the hills, possibly on a high-altitude excursion to further disrupt the ozone layer. His largeness was, however, previously spotted at his favorite watering hole, the Essential Polecat, where he pontificated at length on his plans for global domination.

The Monster has been seen at the premises of the Bogusan Empire, allegedly on imperial business. However, this has not been independently verified. St Vandoofus and Maximillian Bartus are both missing and are expected to awaken at premises other than their own shortly (clothing optional, celery compulsory).

Circus Poll: Is the Teddybear Cuddly?

On this eve of Samhain, as the world becomes colder, we attempt to find the answer to that most baffling question:

Is the Teddybear Cuddly?
	Yes
	No
	I Need a Personal Cuddle Before I Decide
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Gordon in High Voltage Plot?

Directed graph to Gordon's new facilities (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)

PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- After a brief hiatus prospecting for oil in Kandalama, Kahuna wannabe and capacitor expert, Professor Gordon has been seen once again roaming the hallowed halls of the Peradeniya University.

Eye-witnesses reported that Gordon had gained access to the High Voltage Laboratory of the University by underhand means. Although, Gordon's modus operandi was not immediately clear, experts speculated that the portly one could be fabricating replacement capacitors for his array of jet engines.

In a prepared statement to the media, the Vice Chancellor's gardener said that he is taking the necessary steps to thwart Gordon's activities on campus, but refused to discuss further details. He did, however, say that "resistance is futile," raising the possibility of a super-conducting or cryogenic solution to the current problem. Experts agreed that the sooner Gordon was grounded, the better for all concerned as the potential difference was completely unacceptable.

KNN will provide round-the-clock coverage of this developing story.

Kahuna Strikes Back, Threatens to Publish Memoirs

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna revealed that parties acting in concert were attempting to tarnish His spotless reputation.

Categorically denying the sordid allegations made by both Vandoofus and the Teddybear, Kahuna reminded both parties that He knew where they lived. Industry analysts viewed this as a serious threat, given the limitless reach of Kahuna's global logistics empire and His proven track record in practical buffoonery.

In a related strategic move, Kahuna revealed that He is considering the publication of His extensive memoirs, with more than several chapters devoted to the events at the Bogopolis by the Sea during the late 20^th century. It is believed that these will feature the colorful escapades of Vandoofus in graphic detail. Experts familiar with the subject warned that Vandoofus would need a team of archeologists to dig out of this one.

When asked about the Teddybear, Kahuna said the rascal was not forgotten. The Teddybear would shortly be the proud recipient of a shipment of Energizer batteries to remedy the one that was not included in the last round of buffoonery. Industry insiders suspected this would give the Teddybear a buzz that would simply keep going and going.

Responding to reports that Vandoofus may be seeking to invade Boston, Kahuna scoffed at the idea saying that Vandoofus is attempting to gain political mileage from the first Red Sox win of the so-called World Series after 86 years. He further stated that any attempts to invade Boston would be met with stiff resistance including but not necessarily limited to armed bears, flying attack porcupines and squirrels bearing large nuts.

Vandoofus and the Teddybear were asleep (in separate locations) and not available for comment.

Capital of Vandoofus Kingdom Moving to Boston?

NEW YORK, New York -- The supreme leader of the Kingdom of Vandoofus has indicated plans to move his capital and official residency from New York to Boston. Speculations among the inner circle of his administration indicate the move could be related to the recent victory by the Red Sox with which the curse of Bambino was also broken. Except for minor setbacks such as expected resistance from the feeble rebel group headed by Kahuna, the move should be smooth sailing for the Vandoofus military front. The rebels of Kahuna, who were heavily reliant on the Bambino curse to keep their resistance going, will now be completely defenseless and vulnerable. The vandofus administration plan to work closely with the next democratically elected leader of the Americas which also just happened to be from Boston.

NEWSFLASH

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In news just in, it has been reported that the Kahuna (Big) is not only blogosexual, but has also admitted to being trysexual, which as the name suggests means that he will try anything. Although, the bad news for Kahuna (Big) is that anything has rejected his advances and suggested that he go and attempt to woo a stick. Anything is still waiting for a response to this suggestion.

Due to the lackluster newscasters in Colombo, Sri Lanka and other parts of the world, Brighton is claiming ownership to this breaking news.

And now the weather with Ms. Sunny I. Thinknot ...

Kahuna the Blogosexual?

CHELSEA, New York -- The days of the metrosexual are numbered. The flamboyant urban male person with strong aesthetic sense who spent most of his time and money on his appearance and lifestyle has apparently been replaced. The new cool person who is adored by the women and envied by the male is the ‘blogosexual’. Leading the movement is our own Big Kahuna who didn’t make it far as a metrosexual or for that matter as a heterosexual. But as far as blogsexual goes, the man (or the thing) is in the forefront of world’s trendy fashion circles. So watch out for our Kahuna, he has finally made a fashion statement, even if it is only virtual and is setting trends.

Vandoofus Accused of Vandalism

NEW YORK, New York -- Kahuna today accused Vandoofus of vandalism and blogging under the influence after the Circus was defaced with blasphemous tripe appeared in the blog description:

This is the circus. This site is best viewd [sic] drunk. Microsoft Internet Explorer might help. Use of opensource browsers (Mozilla, FireFox) may piss off the blogletts.

Kahuna revealed that this latest incident occured after He refused outrageous demands by Vandoofus that personal “entertainment” costs should be made business expenses. Arguing that the only blog traffic at the time originated from Vandoofus's New York apartments, Kahuna added that Eliot Spitzer was already on the job.

Speaking to the media shortly afterwards, Vandoofus declared that it could have been any of the numerous visitors to his apartments. Kahuna retorted that this appears to be precisely why Vandoofus's entertainment expenses have hit the roof.

Attorney General Spitzer was not available for comment.

Happy Birthday Teddybear! Hump!

The universal hump symbol (Copyright 2004 © B Kahuna)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear, who celebrates his 25^th birthday today was awoken from slumber in the not-so-early hours by none other than Kahuna. The international PSTN was misused for this purpose. It is reported that other large clowns including a powerful hotel baroness known for double-charging customers and buffoon roommates had made nuisances of themselves in the small hours of the morning.

These latest acts of clown come hot on the heels of earlier buffoonery when Kahuna's global logistics empire arranged the delivery of unmarked packages to the unsuspecting Teddybear, who was unwise enough to open them in the company of his roommates. The slippery situation that arose was, however, subsequently stabilized gyroscopically. It is understood that a battery, which was not included, had also been instrumental in salvaging the potentially shaky circumstances. A frictionless and amicable state of affairs had been restored by the time of writing and some of the more controversial items have been locked away.

Speaking to the media today, Kahuna accepted responsibility for the buffoonery, but hinted that the hotel baroness may have been involved in the plot, hatched under the cover of darkness. It is widely suspected that crackpot inventor and climatologist, Professor Gordon was also knowledgeable about the plans.

Reiterating sentiments in greeting cards shipped out of the continental United States, the Circus wishes the Teddybear a very happy birthday with lots of tickles, rubs, squeezes, spanks, smooches, hugs, licks and bites.

The Teddybear was unavailable for comment, having absconded for cricket practice. The possibility of an orgy tonight, however, has not been completely ruled out.

Gordon Barges In

File photograph of the Kandalama tank (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of Professor Gordon have been reported during the weekend from the Kandalama region. Several people reported seeing a suspicious person dressed as an ornithologist navigating the Kandalama tank in a barge.

It is believed that Gordon may have been prospecting for crude oil to eventually power his array of jet engines designed to convert the planet into a giant Popsicle.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

Uniflow Scuttled

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In breaking news, the quasi-bogus Uniflow system has been scuttled less than 24 hours after going online. A high level of annoyance among the general public is seen to be the cause of the scheme's demise.

A press release issued by Kahuna stated that Professor Gordon had failed yet again to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by using a large number of vehicles traversing a cyclic path. The highway menace was not available for comment, having absconded early to his rural lair.

Lost in Colombo

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Buffoonery took a turn for the worse this Monday morning in the tropical bogopolis of Colombo with the new Uniflow traffic system coming online. Uniflow caused chaos by updating the metropolitan routing table to declare trunk routes one-way with inter-connecting routes randomly polarized. High levels of confuse() function call usage was evidenced among motorists, along with priority given to various species of omnibus.

Motorists who had not received the routing updates were seen traversing city blocks in circular fashion with no escape route in sight. It is believed that some will never find their way out of the maze worthy of Daedalus.

Kahuna too was gravely inconvenienced when expected routes were found to be blocked by the City's Finest. However, members of said Finest demonstrated that they were indeed synchronized with the metropolitan routing table via OSPF and provided prompt exit instructions using appropriate directional gestures. This indeed turned to be the shortest path that was open.

It appears that the designers of this dastardly scheme have studied queuing theory in considerable detail before deciding to abandon it completely. The principle that adding bandwidth to already congested networks does not improve matters was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt this morning.

When asked for his views, Arch-motorist Professor Gordon quoted Nolan and said that this is still the learning stage. An expert on cyclic paths, Gordon is believed to be in the pay of the designers of Uniflow.

The Heist

OSLO, Norway -- Remember Edvard Munch's painting The Scream, which was stolen from the Munch Museum at gunpoint in August? Well they discovered the perpetrators, and it makes perfect sense now! Ann Telnaes, the farce is strong in you.

The painting is still missing and is probably at an undisclosed location along with the duck hunter.

Incidentally, the unusually intense sunset depicted in the painting has been traced to the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883.

Spitzer Eyes LoudCloud

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- New York Attorney General and fellow blogger Eliot Spitzer, announced an investigation into the LoudCloud blog citing suspicion of insider trading and financial irregularities. Dismissing threats issued by LoudCloud of falling objects as purely gravitational, Spitzer said the perpetrators will be gravely inconvenienced by his investigations.

The management of LoudCloud was not available for comment.

LoudCloud Moved

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- LoudCloud was recently moved to an undisclosed location after being attacked by hackers. While the LoudCloud Management regrets any inconvenience caused to the blogging public, the new location will remain secret until the perpetrators are caught and brought to justice. In related developments, the sudden closure of LoudCloud is being investigated by authorities for alleged insider trading and fraudulent financial transactions.

Honeydew and Beaker Trounce Gordon for Top Science Honors

Honeydew and Beaker interviewed live on KNN

EXETER, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, the British Association for the Advancement of Science reported that Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker from Muppet Labs have been named the UK's top scientists. The pair easily defeated crackpot inventor and evil genius, Professor Gordon, another key contender for the award.

Speaking to KNN shortly after accepting the award, Honeydew who is better known as Dr Bunsen, said that he and his assistant Beaker were eminently suitable to receive the award as they had blown up far more things than anyone else. Beaker meeped in agreement. Commenting on his latest work, Honeydew said he is developing a large heater to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative. Disappointingly, no explosions took place during the interview.

A fuming Gordon told KNN he was not amused and added that he suspected the whole event was rigged by arch-nemesis Maximillian Bartus. Saying that the latex magnate was "out to get him," a highly-charged Gordon promised swift action against both BartCorp and Muppet Labs (a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).

KNN will provide highly biased live coverage of the event.

Unauthorized Clown School Draws Fire

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking developments, the existence of an unauthorized Clown School headed by a person calling himself the Jester (holy #@$%, Batman!) has come to light. Born in the Year of the Monkey, among the sordid interests of this person appear to be sex drugs. This interest appears to be unique within the blogging community and a rise in the sildenafil citrate futures market remains unlikely. The treacherous Monster also appears to be in league with this individual.

In comments to the media, Kahuna declared that the sublime arts of clowning and buffoonery were natural traits that could not be taught in schools. He added that cease and desist orders would be issued shortly and reserved His right to arm bears and scramble the flying attack porcupines.

KNN will provide unbiased coverage of the developing situation.

Jet-Powered Beer Cooling Unveiled

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In his continuing research into gas-turbine engines, Kahuna has discovered non-standard use of the technology.

Simon Jansen from New Zealand, for instance, has constructed a Jet-Powered Beer Cooler that uses Liquid Petroleum Gas (LPG) as fuel. Rather than use the output power of the engine to drive conventional refrigeration equipment, this device relies on the rapid expansion of LPG from liquid to gas (drawing energy from the surroundings) in order to provide the cooling effect. Guinness Draught beer has been successfully chilled down to 2° Celsius using the homemade cooling system.

These extreme methods of refrigeration fall within the meaning of buffoonery and Simon Jansen has been declared a large clown.

Kahuna cautioned that the dastardly Professor Gordon was quite likely to attempt replicating this form of cooling at his rural hideout, possibly using an array of General Electric GE90-115B high-bypass turbofan engines to usher in the next ice age (not to mention a fuel crisis). This appears to be in line with his hidden agenda to become the Clarence Birdseye of the 21^st century.

Gordon was not available for comment on these latest accusations.

Gordon Escapes after Lobster Tip-off

Night-vision cameras captured Gordon's spectacular escape in GITT

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- International master criminal and crackpot inventor, Professor Gordon narrowly escaped the long arm of the law last week and sped-off in his new automobile, the GITT Mk2. Wanted for questioning regarding an illegal banana plantation in the Bahamas, Gordon was about to be arrested by the local constabulary while dining at a popular seafood restaurant. However, the evil genius evaded arrest and made off at considerable speed in his vehicle.

It is widely believed that Gordon had been tipped-off by some form of message embedded in his lobster thermidor. The proprietors of the seafood establishment, however, denied any involvement in the incident. Local law-enforcement officers are continuing investigations. Gordon was not available for comment.

Kahuna Returns

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- After a break of many weeks, Kahuna announced today that He is back. Explaining that his absence was due to a much-needed vacation, Kahuna added that new postings could be expected shortly. In the meantime, the Blogger status bar has been activated and the blog registered with Google for purposes of site searching. The email post feature has also been enabled to allow posts to be emailed to unsuspecting members of the public, directly from the blog.

Gordon Secretly Constructing GITT Mk2

Photographs of GITT Mk2 obtained covertly from the premises of Gordon Industries

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- News breaking from the rural hideout of Professor Gordon indicates that the crackpot inventor is secretly constructing the Gordon Industries Twenty Thousand (GITT Mk2). The new vehicle, disguised as a Mazda Familia, is rumored to be fitted with a possibly stolen sequential transmission and fuel-injection system. This move away from carburetion has apparently been the key learning from Gordon's disastrous government-sponsored research program in Cuba. At least as far as his personal set of wheels is concerned.

Gordon is apparently making his way up to the Gordon Industries Forty Thousand, which he believes will be a GIFT. Critics however, disagreed stating that Gordon would get the GIST of things by the time he worked his way up to the Gordon Industries Sixty Thousand.

Gordon was not available for comment, having set the New Toy Protocol (NTP) bit. Kahuna, however, revealed that his operatives at the Bogusan Empire are armed with photographic equipment when GITT Mk2 is expected to make its debut. KNN will provide live coverage of the event.

The Zen of Sysadmins

Here's that little gem from the Memorable Quotes from alt.sysadmin.recovery

We are at One with our work. If you disturb our work, our foot will be at One with your ass. Sadly, you won't be at One with anything thereafter. You'll be in lots of little pieces we call bits, some of which are at One with themselves, and others, which are at Zero with themselves, but none of which will be at One with you.

- J Gostin

Picasa Es Su Casa?

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- Powerful clowns at Google Inc., have decided to unleash buffoonery upon the planet by acquiring Picasa and making the software available free to the Chosen. And just in case that didn't do the job, the new web-based rich text editor most certainly will. May you live long and blog!

Cuban Carburetor Crisis Brewing

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- In breaking news from Havana, Cuban Chief Scientist, Professor Gordon announced that he had succeeded in fabricating a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor. The announcement was received with considerable skepticism as Gordon's previous "working" models simply did not, and quite explosively so.

Critics took a dim view of the developing situation and warned that this could be yet another rich mixture, given Gordon's notorious background in pyrotechnics. Combustion, they added, may not be confined exclusively to the engine manifold. Injecting fuel into the already flammable situation, some experts speculated that Gordon may have in fact, been working on a hitherto untried gasoline-driven external combustion engine.

Speaking to journalists at a press conference held at the Palace of the Revolution, Gordon announced that his breakthrough came about when he experimented with a new butterfly value design constructed entirely from saucepan-grade aluminium. Although, he refused to divulge further details, the unexpected news sparked fears of an alumimum shortage and drove prices in the commodities market sharply upward. Analysts believed, however that prices would stabilize by the close of trading tomorrow, once Gordon blew up yet another vintage Chevy.

Gordon was appointed to his post in June by Cuban leader Fidel Castro Ruz, with a mandate to accelerate growth in the ailing carburetor industry. Progress, however, has been disappointing and Gordon's engineering knowledge has been widely criticized.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

"Kahuna" Looking to Relocate Hooch Operation

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed reports coming in just a short while ago indicate that the self-proclaimed despot of Panadura and undisputed Kasippu King "Kahuna" is looking to relocate his hooch operations.

"Kahuna" is reportedly harboring serious concerns about the security of his covert operation spot in the middle of a highly residential area of Panadura. This is following the recent expose on CircusOne by undercover sleuths.

There is speculation that "Kahuna" is attempting to acquire a forest reserve in the Kukule Ganga area of central Sri Lanka as his new hideout and distillery. It is alleged that a sum of close to LKR 200,000 in bribes will be doled out to forestry officials over the course of next week - a paltry figure considering the land is valued at close to LKR 5 million.

"Kahuna" was not available for comment.

The Gordon Wind Tunnel Saga: The Untold Story

ST KAHUNABURG, Russia -- In unexpected developments, Kahuna disclosed the story behind the Gordon wind tunnel exposé reported Friday. Vacationing at His Winter Palace in St Kahunaburg (formerly Kahunagrad), He admitted that a careless comment by Professor Gordon had inspired the story. Aware of the high PFB (Potential for Blogging), Kahuna had then recruited the Monster and hatched a plot to bogotify Gordon, backed with photographic evidence. Kahuna refused to discuss the terms of the deal but confirmed that the Monster was offered placement in the Witness Protection Program.

Initial attempts to infiltrate the porcupine and wild-cat infested hideout of Gordon in the backwoods of Kendaliyaddapaluwa was confounded by bad weather. However, the incriminating evidence was finally obtained Thursday, while his largeness was blissfully occupied in the customary morning ablutions.

Having acquired the keys to GITT, the Monster slipped the transmission into neutral and pushed the device out of its parking bay. Thereafter, the air-brakes were set in an open position and dirty was done using Gordon's own photographic equipment. GITT was then pushed back into its parking bay and traces of buffoonery removed. The Monster alleges that he had to bathe twice due to these exertions. These allegations however, have not been independently verified.

Despite obtaining the evidence, blogging the post was delayed due to the lack of appropriate serial bus infrastructure at the premises of the Bogusan Empire. The lack of an appropriate data cable caused hours of delay until the such time a suitable instance of the same could be sourced through channels which are best left undisclosed.

Upon discovering the breach in his defenses and the Monster's involvement, Gordon fumed that "there are traitors in my midst" and threatened to revoke the Monster's riding privileges in GITT. Analysts cautioned these moves saying that Gordon was attempting a stable-door closure after the proverbial horse had bolted and were seen having a rollicking good laugh. Gordon was reportedly not amused and has been seen threatening retaliation against those involved in the hilarious episode.

Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) Fails Wind Tunnel Test

File photos of GITT with air-brakes fully extended (Copyright © 2004 The Monster)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka --– In late-breaking news, the notorious Professor Gordon was implicated in a collision with a stationary object on St Michael's Road while attempting a risky air-braking maneuver in his automobile.

Experts believe that Gordon was attempting to use St Michael's Road as a wind tunnel to test the air-braking capability of his latest vehicle, the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) by simultaneously opening all four doors. However, disaster struck during the test when an unexpected force 7 wind gusting from the Indian Ocean rammed the vehicle into a nearby lamppost at high velocity causing some damage to the non-molecularly-bonded shell. It appears that Gordon's air-brakes provided additional lift instead of drag at the crucial moment. Scientists from NASA'’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, CA suggested that Gordon should have been prepared to fire the retro-rockets to avoid a collision.

Critics scoffed at Gordon'’s experiments and pointed out that air-braking capability was available to one Michael Knight in later models of the Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT) several decades ago. They also added that KITT did not usually run into lampposts. A spokesperson for the Foundation for Law and Government (FLAG) refused to be drawn into the controversy, but stated that Gordon’'s shady past was the subject of a recent investigation involving a missing shipment of capacitors.

Speaking to reporters shortly after the incident, Gordon said it was a minor mishap caused by unusual weather conditions and added that he believed the hidden hand of Kahuna was behind the accident. Responding to allegations, Kahuna denied any involvement in the accident stating that his able minions usually attended to matters of weather and climate. He also denied any falling out with Gordon over the naming of the recently founded Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language. Reliable sources, nevertheless maintained that Gordon had expressed great displeasure on Kahuna’s name appearing first in the name of the institute.

The Monster, Ganemulla Bureau Chief of the Kahuna News Network (KNN) also contributed to this post by obtaining photographic evidence of Gordon's automobile being tested at his no-longer secret hideout in rural Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza: The Math Behind the Pizza

TROY, New York -- In His continuing research on pizza, Kahuna has unearthed Paul Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza originally published here in the Project Galactic Guide, August AD 1994.

While Paul Clegg is more commonly known for his work with Project Galactic Guide, what is not so commonly known is his work with the Grand Unification Theory.

The Grand Unification Theory, that is, of Delivered Pizza.

One particularly boring weekend, while gaming with some friends in the basement of one of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's lecture halls, one of Paul's friends had some pizza delivered. Upon receipt of the pizza, which was, apparently, on time but late as usual, Paul noted their response to the temperature of the pizza.

"It's not very hot," they said. Almost immediately, the clockworkings of Paul's brain, dusty though they were, set into motion, pondering the mathematics behind the delivered pizza.

"Is it any good?" Paul asked. And in reply, his friend, with a mouth full of not-quite-hot pizza, mumbled an unexcited affirmation.

Paul then thought that perhaps the quality of a pizza was somehow related to the temperature of the pizza. He also then theorized that the warmth of the pizza was, of course, indirectly proportional to the time it took for the pizza to arrive.

This set down the framework for one of the basic principles and formulas for determining the quality of a delivered pizza. In recognition for his brilliant discoveries in the field of Pizza Delivery Mathematics, the entire team of researchers working in the field named the unit of measure for pizza quality the "Clegg." Eventually, the quality equation was filled out to a more robust form, as shown below:

                             P T

                       Q = -------

                           t (1+I)

Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Cleggs, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end.

I is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. I takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, and the scale has been named "The Toigo Scale," in honor of the man who added it to the equation, Mark Toigo, a chemical engineer at RPI. To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit.

An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Cleggs, with a price of about $12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Toigo Scale.

Amazed with this initial discovery, Paul and his compatriots, who may, or may not, have included Mark Toigo, Sam Blue, Deb Atwood, Kevin Allen, Shawn Havranek, Nigel Westlake, and Brian Moore, set out to derive some more mathematical truths behind delivered pizza. What you'll find below is a somewhat disjointed collection of the more important findings made on that glorious night.

1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation:

             Beta

         t = ----

              D



         Where Beta is a constant in m * s.

2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg):

                      P(avg) T(avg) Alpha

          lifetime = ---------------------

                             Q(avg)

Check the units. They work out.

3. The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza.

4. Shawn's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza.

5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity.

6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "Debs," and R_c is the "Deb Constant."

                                    R

                                     c

                         f       = -----

                          cheese   sauce

7. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation:

            (sum(leftturns)-sum(rightturns)mv

thickness = ----------------------------------

                     f       m       a    R

                      cheese  cheese  car

8. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly.

9. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a Domino's Pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver.

9a. Corollary to the Blue Effect: A Domino's Pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time.

9b. Corollary to the Corollary: The average police response time is much much much greater than the response time of a Troy Ambulance.

10. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120.

11. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to:

                        2

                       n

                      e

12. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant.

Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws.

There, it's a lot clearer now.

Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101)

ROSS ICE SHELF, Antarctica -- In unexpected developments, Professor Gordon and Kahuna have conspired to unleash Absolute Buffoonery (AB) upon the general public by founding the Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language.

Headquartered in picturesque Antarctica overlooking the Ross Sea, the vision of new institute is to completely bogotify language as we know it. To prove their point, the menaces to society have unveiled an excerpt of their Translation Look-aside Buffer (TLB) for the native tongue:

BASIC (Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code) = puhunukaruwan udesaa woo bahu-prayojanawath sankethaathmaka upades deemey sangnaawa

C# = ul C

CSMA/CD (Carrier-Sense Multiple-Access/Collision Detection) = kriyaakaari maadya sanvedi bahu labaageneema/getum seweema

COBOL (Common Business Oriented Language) = bahulawa thibena vyaaparikayan udesaa woo baashawa

CLR (Common Language Runtime) = podu bhaasha duwanaya

DMZ (De-Militarized Zone) = yuda batayingen thora pradeshaya

DOS (Disk Operating System) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

DOS/VSE (Disk Operating System/Virtual Storage Extended) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/adbhootha lesa gabada digukarana lada

FC-AL (Fiber Channel Arbitrated Loop) = kendi naalikaa samatha vatarauma

Firewall = gini-thaappaya

FORTRAN (Formula Translation) = soothra pariwarthanaya

HACMP (High Availability Cluster Multi-Processing) = bahulawa labaagathaheki pokuru bahu-sekaseema

HAGEO (High Availability Geographic Cluster) = bahulawa labaagathaheki bhoogoleeya pokura

IBM (International Business Machines) = anthar-jaathika vyaaparika yanthra

OS (Operating System) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

OS/VS2/MVS (Operating System/Virtual Storage 2/Multiple Virtual Storage) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/deveni bhootha gabadawa/bahu bhootha gabadawa

PABX (Private Automatic Branch Exchange) = pudgalika swayankreeya athu huwamaaruwa

PL/SQL (Procedural Language/Structured Query Language) = kriyaa patipata baashawa/piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

SSA (Serial Storage Architecture) = polimaakara gabada gruha nirmaanaya

SCSI (Small Computer Systems Interface) = kudaa pariganaka padhdhathi muhunuwara

SQL (Structured Query Language) = piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

TCP/IP (Transmission Control Protocol/Internet Protocol) = vikaashana paalana piliwetha/antharjaala piliwetha

TLB (Translation Look-aside Buffer) = pariwarthanayedi ahakabalana bufferaya

Videoconferencing = veediyoe sammanthrana kereema

VM (Virtual Machine) = bhootha yanthraya

VM/CMS (Virtual Machine/Conversational Monitor System) = bhootha yanthraya/kathabas nirikshana padhdhathiya

VPN (Virtual Private Network) = bhootha pudgalika jaalaya

VPN Firewall = bhootha pudgalika jaala gini-thaappaya

In related news, the Surgeon General warned that excessive laughter may lead to shortness of breath and dizzy spells.

Catbert Ruffles Hair with Keyboard Styling Bid

LOS GATOS, California Republic -- Self-styled fashion mogul and Former Reference Clown Catbert rocked the fashion establishment last week by announcing his latest creation: keyboard styling. Denying he had melted half the keys on his notebook attempting to dry them with a hair dryer after a catastrophic beverage spill, Catbert touted them as the latest in fashion. Outraged fashion houses from Milan to New York demanded why Catbert required the use of a hair dryer and speculated if at all he knew how to operate one.

Initial indications from the Management Information Systems division of the Bogusan Empire suggested they were not pleased with Catbert's latest antics. The Head of the all-powerful division is reported to have offered Catbert a more ruggedized notebook in the form of a stone tablet and a chisel.

The Shiny-headed One was detained by Management Information Systems and not immediately available for comment.

The Dreamer's Desk

Geoffrey Bawa's desk looks out towards Sigiriya (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- The desk where the late master architect Geoffrey Bawa dreamed sits alone on the landing looking out towards Sigiriya.

Reflections in the Pond

Reflections in the pond at the eco-park (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna experiments with light and shadow at the eco-park with the sun almost directly overhead with an exposure of 1/200th of a second and an aperture of f/6.3. Other members of the expedition were consorting with reptiles at the time of this capture.

The Bell in Silhouette

Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel, captured against the western horizon a few hours before sunset using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP, 1/400th of a second exposure and an aperture of f/8. Several large clowns were observed ringing the bell at various times during the expedition.

Kahuna Returns to the Woods

KAHUNAVILLE, Connecticut (Formerly MA) - Spokesmen for Kahuna told Associate Press, that a team of behavioral science experts headed by Kahuna himself, the world renowned animal behavioral science expert famous for his research on cows, has successfully concluded an expedition to Kandalama. This is was first time Kahuna has returned to the field after bizarre accident in Kotmale involving a bull sent him to the hospital. The incident almost prompted Kahuna to give up all research on cows. This time, however, Kahuna and his team managed to conduct the experiments without an incident. Kahuna said the expedition was a success and that the findings will be published shortly. He acknowledged the support of his team members and added the research on animals was specially rewarding when conducted with his fellow researchers. Other members of Kahuna’s team were unavailable for comments.

Reagan Remembered

ENFIELD, Connecticut – The director of postal services has released a memo saying the postal services will be suspended on Friday in respect to the death of the ‘President’. I assume he is talking about the former president since the current one is still alive. The financial industry also comes to a standstill on Friday as the last rites for the former president is conducted in Washington DC. The former president will be dearly remembered for his crack down on social programs, escalating spending on defense, Iran-Contra scandal, demolishing the wall between church and state, arming the Taleban and for being buddies with Saddam Hussein.

Parliamentary Terminology 101 - Part 1

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In this new feature, we look at some of the important terminology used in legislative assemblies.

filibuster, noun: a. The use of obstructionist tactics, especially prolonged speechmaking, for the purpose of delaying legislative action. b. An instance of the use of this delaying tactic. Complete definition.

buster, noun: A form of address used in some democratic assemblies of the Westminster tradition to attract the attention of a fellow legislator before unleashing physical assault upon that person (i.e., punching their lights out). Considered to be an advanced and more effective form of filibuster, particularly when lacking a majority and used in conjunction with the removal and hiding of the mace.

Monkey in Compromising Position with Mace?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Commenting on the theft of the mace yesterday, Kahuna said it was obvious that the deputy monkey in question was suffering from penis envy and considered the mace to be a phallic object. Given that it was not recovered for several hours, it is quite likely that the monkey was having its way with the mace in private. Kahuna added that while, this is typical simian behavior, it could easily be corrected with a either a 21-gun salute (aimed appropriately) or a firing squad à la Saddam Hussein.

Who Let the Monkeys Out?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- [Quote] Suddenly, silence descended all round when a Member ran away with the Mace. After bolting from the Chamber, the MP is alleged to have had hidden the Mace. [End Quote] Full Story...

Circus Ready for Audioblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In highly disturbing breaking news, Blogger and Listenlab have launched audioblogging allowing audio posts be be blogged through the holy public switched telephone network.

Setup your Audioblogger account and call 1-661-716-BLOG. May the voice be with you.

Gordon in Cuba for Secret Talks

Gordon poses with Castro and Arafat after talks at the Palace of the Revolution in Havana

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- News leaked from the Cuban capital earlier today has bared secret talks between Cuban President Fidel Castro Ruz and crackpot inventor Professor Gordon. Sources wishing to remain anonymous divulged that Castro had offered Gordon the post of Chief Scientist, with a mandate to build a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor.

Experts were quick to caution the move saying that, while Gordon had an explosive history with polarity-reversed capacitors, his mechanical aptitude was untested with internal combustion engines. "This whole thing could blow up," they warned adding that a Cuban Carburetor Crisis could be brewing.

Gordon was last seen in the hills of Sri Lanka attempting to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path around the faculty buildings at the Peradeniya University. This plan had apparently been foiled by the Vice Chancellor's Gardener when he had cleverly diverted Gordon into a lily pond.

It was not immediately clear if Gordon had accepted the job, although, he did pose for a sketch with Castro and visiting Palestinian President Yassar Arafat. Arafat's visit was not believed to be linked to the carburetor agenda.

When accosted, Gordon refused comment, but did say he was visiting Santiago de Cuba for a vacation. A spokesman for President Castro vehemently denied the report and blamed it on a negative publicity campaign launched by Cuban dissidents in Miami.

Vandoofus Crash Again but Invited to Fly SpaceShipOne

Skylark Airport, CT – The second attempt at getting the Vandoofus Airlines off the ground, sadly, ended in yet another spectacular crash. This time the plane took off without an incident and flew for a few minutes over the airport field and above a car park. The pilot managed to keep the plane in control until a gust of wind threw the aircraft off course right above a group trees. In a desperate attempt to get back to the course, the pilot reduced power and made a sharp turn. This caused the aircraft to stall and fall on top of the trees. The entangled plane had to be recovered by a Turkish salvage company. No injuries were reported and the aircraft sustained no damage. Meanwhile a spokesmen for Paul Allen said, the SpaceShipOne is considering asking Vandoofus to pilot its first flight to space schedule for July. SpaceShipOne will be the first commercial spaceship to fly out of the atmosphere which is expected to win the X price reserved for the team that first build and launch a spaceship privately that is able to carry three people to an altitude of 100km, return safely to earth and repeat the trip in 2 weeks. Burt Rutan, aviation technologist and the head of the SpaceShipOne team said despite NTSB investigations on Vandoofus after his aircraft crashed a couple of times this month, he sees no one else qualified or skillful at this stage to carry out the experimental flight. Vandoofus who has returned from Gastonia, NC, after attending his friend’s wedding, was not available for comments.

FRC Commends the Circus

COLOMBO, Sri-Lanka -- Former Reference Clown (FRC) Cl.Catbert issued a statement over the weekend praising The Circus Blog as a source of high quality literary works.

The articles were declared to be of high news value and deemed outstanding literary creations. Cl.Catbert will no doubt be a frequent subscriber to the posts.

For reasons of Referential Integrity, the prestigious office of Reference Clown (RC) is now held by a much larger clown than Cl.Catbert. Readers interested in further details are referred to the International Standards Organization (ISO) who announced the changeover several years ago.

False Prophet Plunged into Darkness

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Greater Kendaliyaddapaluwa was plunged into darkness Saturday due to inclement weather. Initial reports from the region suggest that the False Prophet El Gordo was not responsible for the crisis. The Regional One of the Ceylon [Electricity] Board took a decidedly Newtonian view and explained the technical reasons behind the debacle saying "maha line eka wetila." He did not reveal any immediate plans to pick it up. Electricity was restored Sunday, minutes after the Monster reported the situation to Kahuna.

The Monster Celebrates 24th Birthday

WORLD TRADE CENTER, Sri Lanka -- The Monster was made to (i.e., forcibly) celebrate his 24^th birthday today at the World Trade Centre, thanks to a elaborate plot hatched by his former partners in crime and the villainous El Gordo. The Monster was lured to the premises of the Bogusan Empire on the 15^th floor of the West Tower by El Gordo on the pretext of an unholy video-conference while the rest of the conspirators lurked at the Deli Market on the podium block. The plot was confounded by a) the poor organizing skills of El Gordo; b) the Monster deciding to work late; c) the inability to herd cats; and d) a non-cooperative bear. Kahuna's NB-complete nature was required to salvage the situation.

After several botched attempts, the Monster was greeted at the doors of the descending elevator by none other than Kahuna armed with a specially-designed party hat. Needless to say, the Monster was highly disturbed by the personal appearance of Kahuna, party hat notwithstanding (several innocent elevator users were also disturbed by Kahuna lying in wait). The victim was then forced to wear the hat and escorted to the premises of the Deli Market, where he was set upon by the aforementioned bear, suspected to have been in heat at the time. The Monster was seen hugging and kissing the bear, much to the disturbance of bystanders, but in well in line with his fetishes.

Gifts unveiled after the meal included a hand-puppet in the form of a monkey, a tee-shirt indicating that the wearer was the Chosen One (for alien abduction, that is) and a bikini several sizes too small. The Monster was seen exiting the WTC premises with the bikini in hand after the close of festivities.

Monstrous Fetish Exposed!

The Monster examines the business end of Pumbaa

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In latest developments, the sordid soft-toy fetishes of the Monster have finally been exposed to the unsuspecting general public. Secret footage captured shows the Monster examining the rear-end of Pumbaa prior to what an eye-witness called "an orgy that would have been decadent even by Roman standards."

When contacted for his views, Kahuna said "There's more where that came from." The monster, however, was not available for comment.

Kahuna’s Voyeur Fetish Revealed!

KOTMALE, Sri Lanka -- The Kotmale Nature Photographers Association (KNPA) recently released a gruesome capture of the Kahuna that was incidentally taken during his recent expedition to the cattle fields of Kotmale. This visit was initially assumed to aid in validating the consensual aspect of bestiality by means of experimentation on cows, however from recent photographic findings it is evident that the so called Big Kahuna had a hidden agenda of his own. Click here for previous articles...

Sources also tell us that The Jerry Springer's show is to feature “Kahuna” on their next episode for they aim to “boldly go where no show has gone before”, Click here for more details...

NTSB Hearing Ends in Chaos

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The NTSB hearing into the Vandoofus Airlines crash ended in disarray today amidst serious allegations including:

1. Attempted Boeing 747 landings on aircraft carriers
   
2. Mysterious accidents on the Interstate
   
3. Schizophrenia and flying while intoxicated
   
4. Erectile dysfunction and a Viagra-induced orgy in the cockpit leading to mistaken flight controls (the stick in particular) at the time of the crash
   
5. Use of kitchen implements (a butter knife) for engine repairs (crankshaft replacement)
   
6. Use of a wooden foot ruler as a splint to keep the main wing stabilized
   
7. Forming dummy companies to evade tax, and
   
8. Attempting to obtain a Tupolev TU-144 through non-standard means.

The Pilot was also accused of attempting to sleep around with members of the NTSB investigation panel, and has been declared a land, air and maritime hazard and permanently grounded.