St Vandoofus's Holy Memory Leak Hypothesis

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Senior Clown St Vandoofus has discovered the leading cause of memory leaks in software, as revealed by the following discussion that took place a few days ago:

Vandoofus : Slap()
Kahuna    : Kick()
Vandoofus : You know what programs often have memory
            leaks?
Kahuna    : Hmmmm...
Vandoofus : It’s when you don’t close parenthesis
Vandoofus : The variables fall off
Kahuna    : #@!$#@!@ X-(+++
Vandoofus : Hehe
Kahuna    : That's the most absurd thing I've heard
            today
Vandoofus : Hihihi
Vandoofus : Cause I almost did slap(0
Vandoofus : Then 0 would have leaked out
Kahuna    : X-(
Kahuna    : I'm going to blog this X-(
Vandoofus : :-S
Vandoofus : Finally make it to quotable quotes?
Kahuna    : Yeah X-(
Vandoofus : Yey
Vandoofus : :-D
Kahuna    : You’re a large clown

If this is true, Microsoft compilers don't seem to be of any use even at syntax checking. Microsoft Evangelist, Professor Gordon was unavailable for comment.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 2

I forgot it was the Jester...

- The Monster in his own defense, on being accused of high treason by spilling trade secrets to the Jester during a casual conversation.

BTBOTP! A mouse just scampered across the room!

- Professor Gordon, upon witnessing further bogosity at the Galadari Hotel on 7th April.

Was Camilla wearing a porcupine?

- Professor Gordon, in his official capacity as Head of the prestigious Porcupine Institute of Ganemulla, querying the pointy headgear worn by the Duchess of Cornwall at her wedding.

Be warned that I have washed the car [GITT MkII]!

- Professor Gordon issuing a weather advisory, expounding direct correlation between the act of washing GITT and afternoon or evening thundershowers.

Kahuna Announces Eclipse

SUN CITY, California Republic -- In a press release issued a short time ago, Kahuna announced that a hybrid solar eclipse has been scheduled over the Pacific Ocean and parts of Central America later today, 8th April 2005. The event will commence as an annular eclipse at 18:54 UTC and develop into a total eclipse in 24 minutes. This phase will last 84 minutes before reverting to an annular eclipse for another 33 minutes. The central path of the eclipse is expected to extend 12,941 km over the Earth’s surface with the totality being 27 km at its widest point [Animation].

Kahuna calculated the velocity of the umbral cone to exceed Mach 3 at sea level, adding that at least an SR-71 Blackbird would be required to keep up with the eclipse. Each Pratt & Whitney J58 continuous-bleed afterburning engine of the aircraft would produce 145 kN of thrust, operating as a turbojet at low speed and as a ramjet at high speed. Kahuna declared the engine design to be highly disturbing and cautioned that arch-climatologist Professor Gordon may attempt to steal one for personal use. Gordon was unavailable for comment.

Clowns planning on eclipse-chasing with a Blackbird are advised to first read the SR-71 Flight Manual. Kahuna advises extreme caution in perusing this document as the cognitive equivalent of a kernel panic is most likely in lesser mortals.

We now return you to regularly scheduled Jester bashing.

He's Alive

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- This just in on BNN. He's alive !!!! He's alive !!!! Huggles is alive !!!! Da Bear has laid a mighty cuddle on Huggles ... er ... huggle on Cuddles ... hmmm ... the Da Bear cuddles huggled ... psssst, turn on the weather ...

And now for the weather with Cuddled Huggles ... which will be followed straight after by a continuation of Jester bashing.

Subliminal message: Please visit www.thejesterisatwat.co.uk for streaming video of Jester bashing and pathalogical yawning.

Jester Bashing

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Once again the Circus finds itself in familiar territory with bickering among its members along with a healthy dose of Jester bashing as the main topic of conversation. The Jester, a dropout from the financially unstable Clown School, is noted to be suffering from chronic insomnia and has been seen yawning continuously for entire blog posts.

The word on the street is that Clown Eshan has come to the defense of the Jester by attempting to divert attention elsewhere and commenting on how the Circus should not entertain poetry and karaoke. When approached for comment Kahuna(Big) turned up his nose and said 'Definition is beyond the Circus and the Circus is beyond definition'. (We shall leave it up to you, our loyal readers to make sense out of that one).

When approached again for clarification on his cryptic words, Kahuna(Big) was quoted as saying, 'I will not get involved. I am serious. I will not get involved'. But it is rumored that there has been an open invitation issued by the Circus to indulge in all forms of Jester bashing for an unspecified time period.

That is all from us here in Colombo. We will keep you updated if this story develops. Thank you for your time.

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Karol Józef Wojtyła, May 18, 1920 - April 2, 2005. Requiescat in pace.

Dedication

STUDIO CITY, California Republic -- Tonight’s dedication from everyone here at the Circus, goes out to the Jester: “If I Only had a Brain,” with apologies to the Wizard of Oz.

New Hit Single

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- This just in as headlines on BNN. Da Bear debuting straight at number one on the Popclown Charts with his brand new Broadway hit "Uranus was once TheJester". Here are a few lines from the single, the complete song can be downloaded via www.TheJesterisatwat.co.uk/prick.

Graduate to the Dark Side of the Moon
TheJester shall, whoever this pathetic soul may be.
A natured nutter his profile may state,
But a sad M****r F****r be his ultimate fate.

by Da Bear with apologies to no one in particular.

And now for the weather by Twister Lopez ...

The Death of the Jester

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- Oh I say! My dear Jester, I do believe you just signed your own death warrant with that last ill-advised comment of yours. Capital, old chap. I was just in the mood for a good mauling. Poetic justice, what? I believe you will find the Teddybear to be anything but cuddly.

It is at momentous times such as these that I must echo with deep reverence, the thoughts of the late Julius Robert Oppenheimer after witnessing Trinity:

We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." I suppose we all thought that one way or another.

I guess, you won’t get to graduate from Clown School after all. So long, and thanks for all the comments.

Simpler Words Never Spoken ...

I want to be your companion
and walk hand in hand,
your strength enveloping mine.
Autumn leaves falling,
scuffing feet and laughter,
sharing nights, not finished by the dark.

I want to be your confidant
as you pen your deepest
thoughts, as your heartaches
bleed and finally break free.
Your dreams, I keep as if my own.
I want to smile as you smile
and giggle with you
at nothing at all.

I want to be your lover
and find the passions
that move you to action.
I want to be the softness
that induces you to trust.
I want to be the naughty
that makes you come back for more.
I want to please you.

I want to share your breakfast
and your dinner,
I want you in the shower
and in your bed and
with soft steps to bring you coffee
(I take mine black, two sugar)
Your strong arms, the legs
that power your thrust,
your lips of pleasure,
these are the fuel of my desire

no it is no secret, my love,
and to put it very simply,
I want you.

by Iloveit

Courtsey Da Bear with love ...

Enthusiastic, but Alas ...

The Savour of Sussex (Copyright © 2005 Da Bear)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The visuals displayed above were shot in the dying rays of evening light through a rather sexy 5.1 megapixel digital camera. The camera would in all its glory fit snuggly in the palm of 7 year old child.

This was the end of an active day in Lewes, just a stones throw away from Brighton (for Hercules), for us mere humans a 12 minute ride in the train. It was a bright, sunny day in Brighton that early morn (12:00pm). The house-hold was just awakening from its slumber when suddenly a little hungover voice called out "oh what a beautiful moorrrrning ... lets go on a picnic". Da Bear during this conversation was contemplating waking up and plodding downstairs. As a result Da bear was beckoned and a picnic was announced.

In between Brighton and Lewes, United Kingdom, 1:30pm -- So here they were, 8 people in all, on a train, heading to Lewes. Upon arrival in the middle of nowhere the happy band of picnikkers (pardon my french) jump out of the train completely ignoring the warning to mind the gap betwenn train and platform and almost bringing the party down form 8 to 6 start walking to Godknowswhere.

Eventually, the band walk past a sports store ... back pedal and purchase a football ... yes a football (ref: David Beckham, Penalties). A little bit further on on approaching a supermarket a bright-spark in the group brings to attention that a picnic requires food and of course alcohol. So they all troop into the supermarket and buy 3 whole roasted chickens and 30 bottles of beer. So now the band consists of 8 people, 3 chickens, 30 bottles of beer and a football.

Lewes, United Kingdom, 2:47pm -- Stumble upon a large park with a hill on the side and goal posts. Manna from heaven. The group settle on the hill, pop open a few bottles of beer, maul a chicken, roll the unmentionables and start steeting up the goals to paly football.

Lewes, United Kingdom, 3:12pm -- The football begins. It is a great game. The greatness stopped short just about there. In reference to the title of this post, the enthusiasm shown was immense. Running with great aplumb, kicking the ball in the completly vertical angles and in totally opposite directions to the goals, almost dying due to lack of breath, swearing out loud after kicking large amounts of the atmosphere, the goalkeeper backing into the goal and catching the ball ... but alas the talent had been left in Timbuctoo. Such was the lack of talent that Pele is bound to have died a thousand deaths.

Soon it was time to leave. Packing up all that was left and after cleaning out th garbage the band head back to Brighton.

Brighton, United Kingdom, 6:04pm -- The dominant males in the group who as the image shows were many decide to display their dominance (ref: Savour of Sussex). The females were far from impressed. However a couple of passing males did raise a few eyebrows which caused the dominant males to rapidly scrample off their perch.

Flat 50, Brighthelm, Brighton, United Kingdom 6:35pm -- In retrospect, the picnic was a success after a number of interviews were carried out by correspondents from BNN who I must say were rather intoxicated upon depature of the residence. The football still lies in Room 5 pondering over why it was kicked with so much enthusiasm in vain. Will it ever know ?

Further endeavours of this happy band of travellers will be covered in the coming weeks. Stay tuned to BNN. And now for the weather by Foggy Bottom ...

Kahuna Acquires the Clown School

CACTUS, Texas -- In a press conference convened this evening, Kahuna announced that He had acquired controlling interest of the Clown School [BlogShares: ClownSchool] by purchasing 75% of outstanding shares on the BlockShares stock market. The deal is reported to be worth over worth over B$ 58,600 in cash. Clown School stock closed 37.56, up 17.09.

Explaining His acquisition, Kahuna said that He intended to take out the Jester, whose pastime appeared to be leaving “who died?” comments on blog posts. He added that He had the backing of powerful clowns in this latest strategic move. Analysts speculated that Kahuna may demand the resignation of the board of buffoons of the Clown School and name Huggles as his viceroy to the blog. The serial hugger was not available for comment.

Circus [BlogShares: The Circus] stock moved up 25.85 to close at 140.42.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 1

He pops up like a gopher, says something controversial and disappears.

- St Vandoofus, commenting on the modus operandi and extended absence of Professor Gordon.

I wouldn’t mind entering parliament in that manner, preceded by a lightsabre in lieu of the mace.

- Kahuna, on learning that George Lucus had entered the ShoWest convention preceded by 21 Star Wars stormtroopers and an actor dressed as Darth Vader.

This buffet will self-destruct in ten seconds!

- Professor Gordon, on observing the banana-triggered Rube Goldberg mechanism rigged at the dessert buffet in the Coffee Shop of the Galadari Hotel.

We can probably start growing cacti at this rate.

- Professor Gordon, commenting on the oppresive heat after the vernal equinox.

Gastronomic Misadventures at the Galadari

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- After a long and bogus day wrought with idiots, Professor Gordon and Kahuna decided to dine out and catch up on old times. In keeping with tradition, the collapse of the quantum wave function of the venue took place only a few minutes prior to actually having dinner. After discounting the Continental by scrutinizing the edifice from its entrance, the Galadari opposite the road was selected as the venue of choice. Access was accordingly gained through the side entrance. Contrary to the norms of the industry, the doors of this establishment are self-service, despite being staffed at the ratio of one doorman per set of doors. Navigating the obstructions placed in the corridors challenged even the most robust OSPF routing algorithms.

Having arrived at the Coffee Shop and ascertaining that the buffet was indeed open at 10:30pm, Kahuna and Gordon wished to be seated in the non-smoking section of the restaurant. It was reassuring to note that industry norms were being observed here with the seating being neither functional nor comfortable. Kahuna made a note to self that restaurant furniture designers would be first against the wall when the revolution came.

Without further ado, the salad was duly consumed. It was declared to be non-bogus, apart from the sushi and sashimi. The former was devoid of taste and the consistency of the latter suggested that it was imported from Japan via the scenic route which happened to be the Northwest Passage during an unexpectedly harsh winter. OSPF aficionados beware, for this is the perilous ground of the unbelievers.

Upon examining the main buffet closely, it became quickly evident that it consisted entirely of fish. Not simply seafood, but fish: grilled fish, baked fish, fish tikka and even vol-au-vents deviously concealing fish. While cuttlefish and crab were also among those present, they were sidelined by the fish contingent. After eliminating the impossible, not even Sherlock Holmes would have denied that some form of highly improbable, but true Fish Surprise had been stumbled upon.

While consuming the meal, what sounded like a crate of cutlery being dropped from the direction of the kitchen only enhanced the ambiance created by the band blaring bad music at an estimated 80 dB and the air-conditioning appropriately set to slowly bake the patrons in their jackets. The meal was quite tasteless other than for the cuttlefish and Gordon was seen resorting to the salt-shaker on more than one occasion. The question as to whether it contained salt-free salt was raised, but no answers were found. The attendant chef wiping his hands on his rear also added a distinct flavor to the proceedings.

After the meal, the dessert buffet was set upon. Coffee cake, watalappan and some species of cheesecake were present inter alia, flanked by the bread pudding. While serving, a cluster of bananas mounted within an aperture of a melting ice sculpture decided to plummet to a lower energy state, narrowly missing the watalappan. Fortunately, Kahuna and Gordon were sufficiently distanced from the debacle to elude the finger of suspicion. The incident nevertheless evoked fond memories of the hilarious Rube Goldberg contraptions employed by that master of bungling, Wile E Coyote of Loony Tunes fame. It also prompted Gordon to quip that the buffet would self-destruct in ten seconds, à la Mission Impossible, and a hasty retreat was made back to the table.

The service layer failed to clear the table until the pair was seated and attempting to reorganize the crockery to obtain sufficient contiguous free space for the dessert plates. Kahuna unilaterally declared the coffee cake to be bogus. While partaking of the dessert, the service layer approached with the bill and demanded payment. This unprovoked act of billing clearly demonstrated the proactive nature of the staff. The overall experience at this establishment was justifiably rated B-complete.

On the way out and back to the premises of the nearby Bogusan Empire, Kahuna was intrigued by some flagstones of the sidewalk that boldly carried the word ALCATEL. Alcatel was not known to be in this line of business and a closer examination was warranted. This revealed that the flagstones were also stamped with the words SEA-ME-WE-II. Thus was discovered the Path to the Light. And on that illuminating note, this story ends.

Disclaimer: This post was written while sipping green tea from a Loony Tunes mug defaced by Wile E Coyote, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and the Tasmanian Devil (hence the term mug shot). The state of mind of the author is left as an exercise to the reader.

Reflections

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear who resigned from the blog a while ago granted BNN an exclusive interview a few hours ago stating that he has decided to swallow his pride and re-join the blog. This of course is if the adminstrator level bloggers are willing to clear re-entry paths. Da Bear has been following the Circus on a periodic basis and has been distressed at the lack of activity on a once flourishing blog.

Also Da Bear extends apologies to those he offended if indeed so he has done and hopes that the slate might be wiped clean for a new beginning. Travelling back to the Garden of Eden so to speak (Including the forbidden fruit of course).

After months of pondering and a consultation of a few wisemen (Ref: The Real Kahuna, Yahoo Messenger) Da Bear has reconfirmed to himself that friendships are worth alot more than to be ripped apart by a few misunderstandings. Although Da Bear did also state than he is still in the dark about what some of these misunderstandings are. However, Da Bear emphasized that these misunderstandings can be a thing of the past, to Da Bear they already are. Da Bear also stated that he has not forgotten about the good times and hope there will be more, among the whole circus. And to part, his final words, the Circus was not just a group, it was a family. A family should never be separated from each other. However far away they are (Ref: Big Kahuna's last poem).

Da Bear rests.

Dynamic Reviews

The great thing about the blog media is that the author can change the entries after it has been posted - even after users' comments. (Wouldn't it be cool if you could do that in Newspapers?) The circus senior art corresponded did just that. Today he decided he didn't like his recent review of the Gates project. So he changed it. He is waiting for the blogmaster to reinstate his admin privileges so that he can change some other articles posted by fellow bloggers. If anyone can edit wikipedia, I don't see why circus shouldn't let anyone edit its content.

Where have all the Clowns Gone?

Where have all the clowns gone, long time passing?
Where have all the clowns gone, long time ago?
Where have all the clowns gone?
Left the circus every one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

With apologies to Where have all the flowers gone? by Pete Seeger.

"The Gates" - A Review

By St Vandoofus, Senior Art Correspondent, The Circus

CENTRAL PARK, New York – What is normally an inartistic, eyesore in the centre of Manhattan could be thought of as quite a waste of land filled with boring foliage, lakes, rocks and particularly painful groups of noisy kids running around with their dogs. But all that changed last weekend when Christo and Jeanne-Claude, after 20-some years, and some help from a man named Bloomberg with a passion for modern art, managed to bring their exhibit to New York's Central Park. Soon the park was besieged by the art-loving public of Manhattan and the rest of the world and in a moment, the glum, depressing serenity of the park was transformed into what could be described as a circus-like atmosphere. For me, an art-lover who lives a stone’s throw from the park, the event is a rare opportunity to witness and experience the best of what modern art has to offer. So needless to say, I walked over to the park to experience the amazing work of art brought to us by Christo and Jeanne-Claude and sure hope it won’t be the last time I get to cover a humongous-objects-covered-in-fabric kind of art in the future.

Each exhibit can be described as an extensive virtuosity of subjectivity created to counteract the sublimation of the irreversible nature of the objects that includes the ambience of the park. As Jon Stewart’s chief art correspondent best described it, it's a whole transformation of the “whereness” to “nowhereness”. Personally, I think the exhibit depicted the evolvement of the public space and the physical aurora into a private spatial dimension that can be perceived as the celerity of the affection transcended by an inamorata. Each magnificent object which made up the 20-million dollar exhibit that covered the 850 acres of the park resembled a curtain hanging on a steel rod. Unlike the one hanging from my bathroom door, these were fabric banners suspended from 16-foot-high frames. And they were... orange.

The exhibits on the west side of the park transpired a saffron-colored light throughout the park, creating a majestic command over the surroundings which reduced the 19^th century buildings in the neighborhood to a diffident obscurity. The striking landmarks such as the Dakota were reduced to a mere concrete structures lamenting for attention. As I walked over to the east, the objects were more saffron in color and the fabric hanging from a steel frame was vastly different to the exhibits displayed on the north side of the park which were saffron in color suspended from steel frames. The south-west corner of the park was scattered with saffron-colored cloths while the south east… and so on.

I would love to go on, but, alas, I have run out of a month’s supply of word-a-days from dictionary.com. I don't really understand what they mean. But they sounded perfect to describe something I understand even less. So signing off from New York, this is the senior art correspondent for Circus, St. Vandoofus.

Christo and Jeanne-Claude Open ‘The Gates’ in New York

This photograph entitled The Gates, is the work of Ten Safe Frogs (Geoff Stearns). Used under a Creative Commons License.

CENTRAL PARK, New York -- World-renowned artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude together with New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, today unveiled their creation, ‘The Gates’ in Central Park. Twenty-six years in the making from concept to execution, this massive creation has installed 7,500 metal gates flowing with saffron-colored fabric along 23 miles of pathway across the park. Giving a splash of color to the park, the work will be open till the 27^th of February, after which it will be dismantled and the materials industrially recycled. The project was completely funded by the artists.

Known for their large-scale temporary works of art, Christo and Jeanne-Claude covered the German Reichstag in fabric for their ‘Wrapped Reichstag’ project in 1995. Their ‘Over the River’ project scheduled for later this year plans to cover the Arkansas River in Colorado with fabric panels.

Kahuna declared ‘The Gates’ to be NB-complete and indicated that St Vandoofus will be dispatched to take a closer look despite near-freezing weather conditions. Professor Gordon was unavailable for comment and rumored to be recovering at his rural lair after a suspicious rendezvous with powerful clowns from the Middle East. The nature of the tryst was unclear, but experts suspect gun-running at the very least.

More images of ‘The Gates’ are available on Flickr.

Kahuna Issues Ultimatum

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In late-breaking news, a fuming Kahuna issued an ultimatum to ENN and SLMW indicating that the Circus has no political affiliations and will not be used for political advertising under any circumstances. He added, however, that the Circus reserves the right to equally ridicule all politicians on a regular basis.

Kahuna warned that any further tampering with the blog template would be considered an act of war and met with fierce retaliation in the form of armed bears and porcupines, the latter supplied courtesy of the prestigious Porcupine Institute of Ganemulla.

SLMW Launches www.lankawatch.com

NEW YORK, United States of America (ENN) -- A press release by the Sri Lanka Media Watch organization, a non-profit organization setup to monitor, analyze and debate latest political developments in Sri Lanka has announced the launch of it website at www.lankawatch.com. The Organization comprising of a large network of journalists, intellectuals, representatives of various political entities and individuals, both local and foreign, aims to use the internet as a propaganda tool to promote a neutral and peaceful message to the public. The management of the site hopes to provide a one-stop site for Sri Lankans everywhere to obtain political news about Sri Lanka and to share and debate ideas about the current situation in the country. The organization further states, the members of the web blog administered by Kahuna have been chosen as beta testers to test the site and provide feedback to the organization. Kahuna was sleeping and unavailable for comments.

Hounds Attack GITT MkII

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- The Gordon Industries Twenty Thousand (GITT MkII), flagship vehicle of false prophet Professor Gordon, has sustained damage in an attack mounted by his household canines. KNN learns that the incident occurred in the early hours of Sunday, leading to considerable damage to a mud flap of the vehicle.

The reasons behind the strike are not clear at this time and investigations are underway. Gordon was reportedly fuming and not available for comment.

Gordon Bribes Punxsutawney Phil, Prolongs Winter

GOBBLER’S KNOB, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- In completely unexpected developments, the dastardly Professor Gordon has thrown the planet into six more weeks of winter by bribing well-known meteorological groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, to see his shadow.

While Phil’s revelation was roundly booed by those gathered at Gobbler’s Knob, a jubilant Gordon announced that he had delivered a major blow to Kahuna’s efforts at ushering in the first thaw of spring. Gordon disclosed that he had entered into an exclusive agreement with Phil, under which winter will be extended by a six-week period, with the option for a further three-week extension, for the next five years. Adding that Phil was amply compensated, Gordon indicated that he was also in negotiations with Staten Island Chuck, Wiarton Willie and Shubenacadie Sam to further consolidate his positition.

Experts ruminating over Gordon’s coup suggested that the arch-climatologist may have resorted to this highly unorthodox approach after failing in his patented, High-bypass Turbofan Method of global cooling. Gordon was reportedly having trouble getting his array of jet engines off the ground due to a shipment of capacitors sourced from Bart’s Surplus (a wholly-owned subsidiary of BartCorp) failing to arrive at the crucial time. A spokesman for BartCorp denied allegations of foul play stating that the shipment was simply held up at Kahuna’s Customs & Excise.

Speaking to the media a short while ago, Kahuna said that today was indeed a dark day for the planet and vowed to counter Gordon’s plans by any means necessary, including but not limited to adjusting the axial tilt of the planet. Analysts, however, cautioned such moves on the grounds that they could be quite wobbly.

KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of Professor Gordon at every available opportunity.

The Coming of Spring

GAILLIMH, Éire -- Today is the festival of Imbolc according to the ancient Celtic calendar. Although, the snow-covered northern hemisphere may suggest otherwise, spring begins today. It is believed that Kahuna will engage in ceremonies to bring forth the sun and thaw the planet.

In associated news, KNN learns that the notorious Professor Gordon is working feverishly to complete his array of high-bypass jet engines and prolong the winter. Experts were skeptical of the plans arguing that hell was more likely to freeze over prior to Gordon firing up his auxiliary power units. Gordon, however, provided a frosty reception to the media and remarked that his plans to end global warming were well on track.

KNN will monitor the highly liquid situation and provide live coverage.

Circus Update - Buffoonery Continues

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- Bart the Oblivious and St Vandoofus have been re-exported to the opposite ends of the contiguous United States, considerably reducing local Clown Factor (CF) in Sri Lanka. The Peacemaker, however, is at large and appears to be on the offensive.

The Circus is now open for business with a new blog template that has considerably irked Professor Gordon. The portly one has purportedly discovered a thermocline in his bathtub and was not available for immediate comment. Despite these misgivings, the new template has been endorsed by both Vandoofus and the Monster. However, the Monster will be thumped with a large gamma-correction for suggesting that it is too bright.

In political news, enlightened members of the general public were seen armed with broomsticks to greet species of governing monkey of revolutionary disposition. The philosophy of comrade Lenin was ignominiously scuttled to make a hasty retreat and preserve the unholy posterior. Kahuna and Professor Gordon issued a rare joint statement applauding the public action and called for the establishment of the Most Noble Order of the Idala. Detractors, who criticized the statement as being tantamount to legalization of witchcraft, have been offered a knighthood in the proposed Order. The broomstick futures market sky-rocketed during the day's trading, prompting some investors to make a clean sweep.

In related news, Kahuna has proposed that all astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics be cast into the sea under a new memorandum of understanding entered into with Poseidon. Kahuna declined to provide further details of the arrangement, but indicated that His proposals were concrete. Analysts admitted that the medium-term forecast for the industry remained uncertain.

In other news, Utter Buffoonery (UB) has been reported from Menace Mansions, home of the newly betrothed Menace (aka Her Royal Highness) and Huggles. Attempts to construct the traditional milk rice in a rice cooker have been completely bungled by the non-standard use of the steamer attachment. A KNN camera crew which infiltrated the premises has obtained exclusive footage of the debacle. These will be revealed in due course at considerable risk to personal safety.

Et in Bogusa Ego

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- With the dawn of the new year out the rubble of the last bogus one, it is indeed a pity that the most intelligent form of life on this planet continue to behave like idiots. Perhaps this year will be better than the last. Sadly, the latest forecast remains negative.

For those who do not have the time, Kahuna wishes them the Gift of Time bundled with a Cesium clock. For those who cannot see the light, a bullock cart of Magnesium flares at twenty paces. And for those who lack values, 3.6 million stolen nickels airdropped on their sorry behinds.

Samuel Clemens once said:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

It appears no one listened. Typical human behavior.

For Himself, Kahuna wishes for patience that He may tolerate those who do not have the time, cannot see light and have no values to speak of. Nah, scratch that. Gimme a shovel to bury 'em. Et in Bogusa Ego.

In Memoriam

For those who died in Asia on 26^th December 2004.

Do not Stand at my Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there: I did not die

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

Gordon Exploits Cats' Paws in Power Bid

File photo of Augustus, Spartacus and Claudius (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)

NEW ROME, Ganemulla – In late-breaking news, KNN has learned of sordid actives in the cat-infested headquarters of arch-zoologist, Professor Gordon. It has come to light that the crackpot taxidermist’s three cats, Augustus, Claudius and Spartacus hold portfolios in the newly formed Gordon Administration. The thug Spartacus has been appointed Gordon's Secretary of Defense, while the sadistic Augustus is reportedly Secretary of State. The insatiable Claudius has apparently taken over as Chief of Staff.

Political analysts predicted that the Gordon Administration’s foreign policy would be similar to the cowboy-style adopted by the Shrub Administration, but with more cats and less horses. Particle physicists strongly disagreed and said that cats tend to exhibit fermion behavior and resist herding in accordance with the Pauli exclusion principle. They added that Gordon’s was doomed from the get go, as his cats would be unable to agree on anything, including when to have a nap. Political analysts shot back saying this was all a load of bosons. No immediate condensate was likely at the time of blogging.

The rationale behind Gordon’s feline naming convention remains a mystery. However, sources close to the situation revealed that Gordon is trying to resurrect the Roman Empire and unilaterally declare himself despot and emperor under the name and style of Gaius Gordianus Maximus (i.e., Fat Gordon). He would be known in the common tongue as Gordian IV (Gordian III having been previously bumped off by the Praetorian Guard). Kendaliyaddapaluwa will become the New Rome (Nova Roma) of the proposed empire, the standard of which will bear the acronym GFQR (Gordianus Felisque Romanus) which translates as Gordon and the Cats of Rome. Historians mused that this bears an uncanny resemblance to the ancient SPQR (Senatus Populusque Romanus) or the Senate and the People of Rome, used during the days of the old empire.

Speaking to the media, Kahuna condemned Gordon’s proposed move and threatened to airdrop a container-load of catnip (Nepeta cataria) over New Rome to disrupt the senate session scheduled for later this evening. In response, Secretary Augustus spat back and threatened to invade Kahuna’s Republic of Boston in search of the fabled Cheese of Mass Destruction. Kahuna vehemently denied the existence of such a device and said that any act of aggression would be met with stiff resistance.

KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of this developing story.

Good Luck, Teddybear!

The Circus wishes the Teddybear all the best for his exams tomorrow. Of course, we would also like to remind the Bear that studying really hard helps too! Kahuna would also like to take this opportunity to share His favorite exam question:

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

However, we hope the Bear's exam won't require props other than pen and paper :-)

Cat Receives MBA – Academia Goes to the Dogs

SANTA CATALINA, California Republic -- Outright Buffoonery (OB) has been reported from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where a deputy attorney general’s cat has been awarded an online MBA. The report filed by the Associated Press and reported by CNN is reproduced in part below.

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania (AP) -- The Pennsylvania attorney general's office Monday sued an online university for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat.

Trinity Southern University in Texas, a cellular company and the two brothers who ran them are accused of misappropriating Internet addresses of the state Senate and more than 60 Pennsylvania businesses to sell fake degrees and prescription drugs by spam e-mail, according to the lawsuit.

Investigators paid $299 for a bachelor's degree for Colby Nolan -- a deputy attorney general's 6-year-old black cat -- claiming he had experience including baby-sitting and retail management.

The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average.

This latest academic lunacy follows simian doctoral awards made in Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte, the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

In a press release issued to the media, Professor Gordon revealed that the three cats residing at his known hideout had advanced degrees in catnapping, cataloging and computerized axial tomography. Kahuna responded by accusing Gordon of cat burglary and operating an unauthorized zoo. These claims have not been substantiated, although an above-average concentration of porcupines was encountered within the premises.

Catbert (a senior clown of feline persuasion from the Bogusan Empire) was not available for comment on these latest developments.

The Monkey Doctor – Academia Goes Ape

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In academic news, doctoral degrees in that most noble field of political science, are now handed out based on the prospective candidate’s oral aperture (measured in f-stops), vocal magnitude (measured in decibels) and MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) rather than intelligence quotient. Links to unsavory characters? Capital! Extra credits.

The incumbents of the Temple of the Monkey are eminently suitable for this honor bestowed by an institution that is, in retrospection not merely open, but gaping. Geologists believe that this level of openness borders on faulty and eclipses the Strait of Gibraltar by several orders of magnitude.

Gibraltar is incidentally, the home of the Barbary Ape (Macaca sylvanus), the only semi-wild monkey in Europe. Its completely wild cousins may be seen in their natural habitat – the aptly named Temple mentioned previously.

In related news, Professor Gordon issued a statement suggesting that the world's energy needs could be completely met if the hot air and greenhouse gas output of all politicians was efficiently harnessed. In hurriedly presented counter-proposals, Kahuna suggested that all politicians be flug into space using a specially constructed mass driver.

Sunset in Bentota

Sunset in Bentota (Copyright © 2001 E Gordon)

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- The light and shadow of a brilliant sunset in May 2001, captured by Professor Gordon using his trusty Sony DSC-D770. Brought to you from Kahuna's vast photographic archives.

Snakes, Ladders and Luddites

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Matters have taken a decidedly serpentine twist with top tax consultant, P Guruge commenting that the latest budget is one of “Snakes and Ladders.” The Daily Mirror Financial Times of 26^th November reported Guruge as saying

One can see rattlesnakes and cobras in addition to a few very dangerous anacondas. If the Finance Minister cannot deal with them properly or eliminate them, the ladders available may not be sufficient not only for him, but for the entire country to have a safe destination.

The full analysis is due to be published next week. Taking time off from his tour of Brazil to speak to the media, Kahuna offered to supply the minister a personal boa constrictor. Experts warned that this could seriously cramp the minister’s style. Meanwhile, the Finance Ministry is reportedly seeking a herpetologist and a carpenter to join their ranks in an effort at damage control.

In more idiotic developments, the newly re-polarized Bogus Village has taken over advanced technology and enterprise development. There goes enterprise technology. We may as well consult the Luddites on our technology policy. It appears that Senator Clinton got it right when she wrote, It Takes a Village.

Kahuna proposes degaussing Parliament while in session (using a flux density of at least 3000 tesla), until such time Professor Gordon launches all politicians into low Earth orbit.

Kahuna Rejects the Teddybear's Resignation

RIO DE KAHUNA, Brazil -- In response to the Teddybear’s sudden resignation, Kahuna would like to clarify what appears to be a misapprehension on the part of the Bear. Yesterday, Kahuna queried the identity of the person in the image posted by the Bear, as it was completely alien to the blog. The Bear, nevertheless dismissed Kahuna’s concerns and absconded without providing a reasonable answer. Kahuna then decided to issue an apology to the person in question as He is strongly opposed to the use of third party imagery in that manner.

Kahuna wishes to remind the Bear that He neither asked for the removal nor attempted the removal of the post in question. He merely questioned the ethics of using a mug shot of a person completely disjoint from the proceedings of the Circus, superimposed upon the visage of some species of chimpanzee (possibly Pan troglodytes). The Bear is well aware of Kahuna’s views on these matters, and these views do not infringe upon the Bear’s First Amendment rights.

Kahuna would also like to add that at no point did He object to the textual content of the post as He believes firmly in the aforementioned First Amendment, and does not support censorship. Having said that, Kahuna also wishes to state that the use of the image in the sordid context of the Bear’s post could reasonably be held to be highly defamatory of the person portrayed.

Kahuna does not interfere in the right of clowns to blog what they wish. However, He reserves the right to counter-blog His own views when necessary.

The freedom granted by the First Amendment is precious and must be used responsibly. Kahuna rejects the Bear's resignation and urges him to watch Skokie, Dirty Pictures and The People vs. Larry Flynt. He hopes the Bear will return to the Circus.

PS: Kahuna would advise the Bear equip himself with body armor (a Bear necessity) in accordance with his Second Amendment right, as the pot shots may fall where they will.

Resignation

The Teddybear hereby resigns from the blog due to indignation of Kahuna's accusations of unauthorized postings. The Bear had fun while he was here and urges Kahuna not to assume things he knows Balls about. The Bear grunts you farewell and parts with the rasberry salute.

P.S. - The victimized post will be deleted. The Teddybear's previous posts will also be deleted if the authorities wish.

Apologies ...

Kahuna wishes to apologize to whoever is portrayed in the image from the last post for the possible unauthorized use. While we believe firmly in the freedom granted by the First Amendment, we try not to insult or implicate people who don't deserve to be.

Vandoofus Picks up Intel on Kahuna's Latest

Colombo 7, Sri Lanka (ENN) - In a breaking news flash received last month, Vandoofus’s Intel has released a statement saying the agency has picked up increasing chatter relating to Kahuna’s relationship with an unnamed companion. In earlier reports, Kahuna was reported seen in public with a member of the opposite sex believed to be Kahuna’s better half. Vandoofus’s Intel chief has put one and one together and concluded that the unnamed companion is the female better half (female + better half = female better half). After this brilliant piece of intelligence work, Vandoofus’s Intel chief, has been promoted to the post of Senior Chief of Vandoofus Intel, a post recently vacated by Condi Rice to become the worst ever defense secretary in the US history. Kahuna who was available for comments did not specifically deny any of the Intel reports but said "I did not have sex with that woman". The reason for Kahuna strange reaction is still unclear. Meanwhile, Vandoofus has offered a reward of 1 million Turkish Lira to anyone who can upload a photograph of the suspected female better half. (Taxes and other restrictions may apply. The recipient must be 18 years or older and hold a valid drivers license Turkey, Turkmenistan or Kazakhstan.)

ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor

GENEVA, Switzerland -- In a surprise move the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) today re-issued an advisory first released three years ago announcing the SI unit for Clown Factor.

Geneva, May 2001 (AFP) -- The International Organization for Standardization today announced the Kern as the international (SI) unit for measuring Clown Factor. This follows the naming of [NHHOTPTG]^* Kern as the International Reference Clown, following extensive research and observations at its off-shore facilities. The Kern will be abbreviated Kn to avoid confusion with other SI units.

The previous unit of Clown Factor, the Druvi (D) will still be used in countries that follow the Imperial system of units. The following conversion factors are provided for reference:

                  1 Druvi = 10-4 Kern

      conversely, 1 Kern = 10,000 Druvi

All measures were taken where ambient Relative Bogosity was 0.46

This implies that the new Reference Clown (RC) is 10,000 times a bigger clown than the previous RC, Druvi(nda) [NHHOTPTG]. Although shocking, these values are deemed quite accurate, and the ISO provides the following factors which led to these high readings of the Kern.

1. The chances of people around a clown of 1 Kern getting thumped are definitely 10,000 times higher than those around a clown of 1 Druvi.
2. A clown of 1 Kern demonstrates adverse alcohol-seeking qualities, as opposed to a 1-Druvi clown which has never been observed near booze.
3. The chances of being involved in a motor accident are 10,000 times higher with a 1-Kern clown over a 1-Druvi clown at the wheel.
4. A 1-Kern clown exhibits strange sexual attraction to inanimate objects such as furniture, the last encountered 1-Kern clown was seen seeking crevices in a table.
5. A 1-Kern clown exhibits disturbing homophilic behavior.
6. A 1-Kern clown sings 10,000 times worse than a 1-Druvi clown, and since levels were quite bad at 1-Druvi, 1-Kern is unimaginably painful.
7. A 1-Kern clown will emit foul language in an infinite loop. 1-Druvi clowns are not known for foul language.
8. A 1-Kern clown practises racial ambiguity in a most disturbing manner.

It is widely believed that the notorious Professor Gordon may have conducted research on behalf of the ISO in 2001 and indeed authored the original advisory. Gordon was not available for comment on these latest allegations.

^*NHHOTPTG = Name Half-Heartedly Obfuscated to Protect the Guilty

Teddybear Decadent, Gordon Stockpiling, Says Kahuna

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Kahuna denied any involvement in weapons trafficking late Sunday, and accused the Teddybear of holding an orgy to eclipse all orgies, including those held in ancient Rome. He added that the remnants of the WMD (Weapons of Mass Decadence) left behind at the scene of the debauchery clearly illustrated the extent of the sordid goings-on. Investigators suspect that the Teddybear may have been cuddling with his Indian and Italian counterparts during the night in question. However, no evidence of these activities has come to light thus far.

Kahuna also charged that the notorious El Gordo alias Professor Gordon was stockpiling arms and called for a search of the criminal mastermind’s rural lair. He noted that the Shrub Administration was still hunting high and low for the so-called WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) Gordon removed from Iraq.

When contacted, Gordon defended his actions, asserting that the WMD were for his personal use, and therefore, allowed under his proposed Freedom of Destruction Act. Political analysts believe that Gordon may use WMD to fast track his legislation through parliament à la Guy Fawkes.

The Orgibear ... sorry, Teddybear was unable to comment due to the continuing after-effects of the orgy. Huggles, meanwhile is reportedly being pursued by the catering staff of the Bank of Ghana (BOG), allegedly for purposes of consummating some form of civil union. The serial hugger had taken himself into protective custody and was not available for comment.

KNN will continue to provide rib-tickling coverage of these developing events.

News Flash: Missing WMD's Uncovered!

Missing WMD's (Copyright © 2004 Teddybear)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- An accurate report by one Huggles on a gathering of bears has resulted in chaos. Although, it must be noted that Winnie the s**t and Yogi mysteriously disappeared half way through the night and were not seen again for the remainder of the gathering. We are expecting to see lots of little s**ts running around in the very near future. More on that later.

As displayed above, a raid on the Bear's pad revealed the WMD's that were shipped by one Kahuna(big) in bulk. Unfortunately as can be seen the the WMD's had been detonated, 'puked' so to speak ... as opposed to nuked.

The officer in charge of the raid, Inspector Feelmeup Please was heard to say, "It was not a pretty sight, whoever did this had some furball against this international colony of bears." The Teddybear was unable, not unavailable to comment due to effect of the nuke.

A stray puke was last seen speeding after a couple of crazy hairy Indians and a random Italian. More on this in the weeks to come.

And now for the weather by Ms. Hail Storm ...

Sighting: A Gathering of Bears

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- A gathering of a multitude of bears has been reported in and around the Brighton area this evening. It is rumoured that the Teddybear is leading this hairy group and bear watchers have confirmed that celebrities such as Yogi and Winnie the Pooh have also been sighted.

It is unclear at this time the purpose of this great gathering of bears, but analysts suggest a clear connection to the mysterious dissappearence of arms, ammunition and WMDs from various parts of the world.

Although, no one has stepped up to take responsibility Professor Gordon has pointed his finger squarely at Kahuna(big). A few moments ago, in a press release, Kahuna had threatened Vandoofus with the use of the Second Amendment, the right to arm bears. When reached for comment Kahuna was seen participating in the strange ritual of eating his foot and indicated that he should not be disturbed.

We will keep you informed as the situation unfolds.

Vandoofus Contemplates Censorship

RYE BROOK, New York - Supreme Commander of everything and anything, Vandoofus, is said to have been distraught over the length of some of the accounts appearing on the Circus. He criticized some of the long and painful-to-read articles written by certain unnamed individuals. The whole reading experience has brought back unpleasant memories of the Commander’s 4 year tenure at a certain educational establishment in Wellawatte. Vandoofus is said to be considering introducing censorship to control the contributions to the Circus which has so far been largely independent and free of restrictions. But Vandoofus argues, if the contributors are unable to conduct themselves in professional and ethical manner keeping the articles short and simple without the use big words, the Commander has no other choice but to take some very strong and unpleasant actions.

ALERT!! Bogosity Concentration

GREATER, Africa -- Many countries in Africa today have been in a state of emergency following reports that the CFI (Clown Factor Index) of the region has increased exponentially over the past few days. In an unprecedented move of co-operation the African nations have all banded together to investigate this strange phenomenon. Even the warring factions in Ivory Coast have set aside their differences and focused on this new threat.

Kahuna(big) has stated in his address to the free people of the planet, that incidents initiated by the mega corp in Malabe has resulted in this buffoonery. In a bid to balance the CF in the west side of Africa it is reported that a big clown (alias JCR IV), 4^th generation in a family of big clowns and his accomplice (hereafter referred to as the accomplice) have been dispatched to the east side of Africa. Apparently many in the continent have been terrified by an alleged invitation by the accomplice sent across the continent to kiss his er... behind. According to research carried out by Kahuna, these incidents have compounded the CF in the region and is nearing proportions similar to those seen of late in the Bogus States of America.

There have been no new developments on the African/German conspiracy blogged earlier, and analysts remain clueless regarding this matter, although they have welcomed the new developments in the region as a convenient excuse to focus their attention elsewhere.

In other unrelated news it is reported that Kenya has finally bogotified their country beyond all hope by jumping on the technology band wagon after many unsuccessful attempts. They have apparently automated the country's securities depository. It is suspected that the 4^th generation clown and the accomplice may have had a hand in this. Neither of them were available for comment at the time of writing but are suspected of hiding under hotel beds.

Mozilla Foundation Releases Firefox 1.0!

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- The Mozilla Foundation has announced the production release of Firefox 1.0, with advanced popup blocking, fraud prevention, tabbed browsing, live bookmarks, built-in RSS support and hundreds of add-ons. All in a 4.8 MB installation package. Download here.

In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna welcomed the new browser saying it was high time the asses in Redmond were kicked out of Earth orbit. Professor Gordon, a long-time fan of the defective software empire was not available for comment.

Teddybear Catches the Bug

A colorful street scene in Brighton (Copyright © 2004 Teddybear)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In latest developments, the Teddybear has caught the photography bug and is experimenting with his new digital camera. Kahuna has decided to blog this on the Bear's behalf as he would never get around to doing it himself.

Click on the image for a full-size version as the compression used by Hello for the inline image is somewhat lossy.

It is widely believed that more works of Teddybear will be blogged in the future.

Topologists Raise Alarm, Guests Baffled

BEIJING, China -- Topologists have raised concerns about the user-friendliness of the polyhedral container class being constructed by Menace Industries, Inc. It has come to light that a common or garden guest would be completely baffled by the n-sided contraption and require special assistance to locate and unravel the item of confection embedded within. This quest has come to be known as the Tour de Cabbage.

Some experts were also of the view that the component polygons of the container were in fact irregular myriagons or even irregular googolgons. This stunning disclosure has led to several senior clowns—including the Ambassador to Beijing—proposing that some form of prior instruction be afforded to guests. It is envisaged that this would be modeled after the pre-flight safety demonstration of a commercial airliner.

Industry insiders believe that Menace Industries is already in talks with Vandoofus Airlines of Skylark, Connecticut for technical backing.

KNN will provide exceptionally biased coverage of this developing story.

Kahuna Reports a Week of Buffoonery

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Reports from western Africa indicate the formation of a severe spatiotemporal anomaly merging parts of Ghana with Berlin, Germany. Spatial geometricians believe that the soft toy specialist, Huggles is behind the dastardly phenomenon. Space-time around the alleged serial hugger appears to be not merely curved, but bent completely out of shape. It is understood that Huggles intends to move Berlin to Ghana with the aim of acquiring the historic Berlin Bear for his personal use. Informed sources revealed that Huggles is particularly interested in the Berlin Bear’s tongue and speculated that the Teddybear may be next in line for a possible acquisition along similar lines. They added that Huggles intends to become the cuddliest and give the Teddybear a run for his money.

When pressed for a comment, Huggles merely sniggered and grinned, surpassing the Cheshire Cat by several megawatts. In related news, cocoa prices skyrocketed to five-year highs due to increasing levels of bogosity in the nearby Republic of Côte d'Ivoire.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, the Menace (intended Consort of Huggles) has resorted to forced-labor in order to construct complex containers from irregular polygons. It is envisaged that these will hold items of confectionery during a planned ritual in the near future. Throughput—measured in vector polyhedra per fortnight—remains infuriatingly low. Kahuna and others have threatened retaliation and a potential mutiny among the enslaved has not been ruled out.

Detractors have also drawn similarities between the aforementioned container class and a cauliflower (Brassica oleracea botrytis). This was, however, upgraded to a cabbage (Brassica oleracea capitata) after some debate. Previous critics of the cabbage family have included Gaius Julius Caesar, whose blistering culinary invective, “Oh, stuff your brassica oleracea capitata!” was expunged from the Senate record in or around 52 BC [1][2].

Kahuna notes that the hilarious rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica), considered one of the most inherently funny words in the English language, is also a member of the cabbage family. Kumquat anyone? Duck!

Outright Buffoonery (OB) took place at a Circus held on Friday at the Bavarian Barn to commemorate the birthday of Reference Menace and known deviant Timothy. The male guests were subject to the usual untoward attention of the birthday boy and none escaped untouched. Among the gifts was a soft toy of leonine nature, items of apparel and explicit literature entitled Tantra: The Art of Mind Blowing Sex. It must be noted that a volume on the dark arts of Tibetan origin was presented at a similar ceremony last year. While Timothy’s Clown Consort objected to the material on grounds of yet more sleepless nights, Timothy and Buffy both appeared to be enthralled by the text. The situation deteriorated rapidly when the fiend insisted on reading excerpts of the text to those within earshot. A hasty exit from the premises was effected to avoid the inevitable descent towards anarchy. Analysts suspect that the Baroness, along with Kahuna may have played a key role in the selection of gifts. Kahuna, nevertheless, insisted that the Baroness acted alone. The Baroness in turn categorically denied the allegations and threatened to turn Kahuna into a toad.

The Teddybear, who has not been heard from frequently, is recovering from hyperextension and exhaustion due to excessive cuddling. With his cuddliness being questioned in a Circus Poll, the Teddybear has been cuddling extensively to prove himself. While only 25% of voters believed that the Teddybear is cuddly, a phenomenal 58% of those polled wished to have a personal cuddle before deciding. Informed sources reveal that the Teddybear is also eyeing the Japanese market. The Nikkei 225 reacted by closing almost a percentage point lower at the end of trading today. St Vandoofus, a vehement skeptic of the Teddybear cuddliness was not available for comment.

Professor Gordon, who had been lying low during the last week, successfully blocked the Suez Canal late Sunday by sabotaging a Liberian-registered oil tanker. Maintenance crews are struggling to repair the stranded vessel and clear the canal. The master saboteur is now reputedly eyeing the Panama Canal with the intent of holding the global shipping industry to ransom. Gordon’s Global Cooling initiative is also expected to permanently close the Northwest Passage and further limit shipping options, as he ushers in the next Ice Age. Oil prices remained high at the close of markets Monday.

[1] Alea Jacta Est: Gareth Thomas' Asterix Site for Grown-ups
[2] The Asterix Annotations 3.0

Exploits of Literature

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear has allegedly written a short paper on the division of labour and its relationship to the industrial revolution in America. This is hardly a topic to elaborate on as we at BNN don't really understand the contents of the paper and according to reliable sources neither does the Bear who was last seen trying to cuddle the professor concerned to achieve a higher grade.

It has also been reported that there have been suspicious cards that have exchanged hands on one Timothy's birthday that contained various pictures of known sex symbols. Huggles, Teddybear and the Sibling to name a few ... this has been deemed very appropriate. We are trying to get in touch with Huggles for comment. No, not trying to touch ... get in touch.

That’s all from the BNN office and now for the weather report with Mr. Rain Bow ...

Gordon Blocks Suez, Ships Stranded

PORT SAID, Egypt -- In the latest news reaching KNN, international master criminal Professor Gordon has successfully blockaded the Suez Canal, 45 miles south of Port Said. The shipping menace has engineered the breakdown of a Liberian-registered fuel tanker to force a shutdown of the canal.

It is reported that the passage of 40 ships have been blocked, causing chaos in the shipping industry. Gordon's motives are not entirely clear and the full impact of the situation is still being assessed.

This is a developing story and KNN will provide live coverage.

Shattering News: Hitler Liveth?

BERLIN, Ghana -- In shattering news today, a rather unasuming, mild mannered Mr Kent has reported on the daily planet on a plot to spread Nazism to every corner of the world. It has been noted that our very own Kahuna(big) has aided in this investigation by monitoring sensitive events on the web, which spins wide across the world, from his blogopolis (Although this is an illegal activity, due to the severity of the situation, kahuna has been subjected to a nominal punishment of 10 cuddles from Teddy (Kahuna has apparently passed out in pleasure at the time of writing and was unavailable for comment)).

It has been unearthed that certain parts of Africa seem to be missing from the world wide web and have been replaced by networks from Germany. The seductive yet thoroughly professional Ms Lane has been dispatched to uncover the truth and it is rumored that a certain member of the circus is awaiting impatiently for her to get to the bottom of this.

It is unclear at this time who is responsible, but interestingly, investigations have confirmed that Professor Gordon's middle name happens to be Adolf. The Empire has also stated that the increased activity on the Blogopolis may be a distractive ploy and are conducting investigations into the possibility of accomplices among the bloggers.

Citizens are advised to stay on their toes^*. Danger could strike anywhere...anytime... Boston and Brighton are already suspected to be overcome by this large menace.

The Allies are mobilising their armies even as we speak but reports confirm that the Commander in Chief of the Bogus States of America has, surprisingly, already stated an end to major combat.

We shall keep you informed as events unfold.

^*A recent survey has determined that ballet dancers have a life span much longer than others.

Breaking News: Circus Poll - Large Farce

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In a surprise raid by the BBI (Blogspot Bureau of Investigation) today it was discovered that the circus poll administered by one Big Kahuna was indeed quite bogus due to the fact that the accused was aware all along that the Teddybear was very cuddly thus rendering the poll completely useless.

In other news and completely irrelevantly the above sentence is probably one of the longest in history and quite possibly will not go down too well with one MS Word by B. Gates.

And now back to breaking news...

Such acts of time wasting of these faithful bloggers' time is a serious violation of good practice and the accused will be charged (by) Dearly for this ..... Dearly unfortunately was unavailable for comments due to her commitments of charging someone else...

It was also uncovered that bloggers who voted for a personal cuddle were also aware of the Teddybear's cuddliness and these was a combined ploy to try and exhaust the Teddybear of all his cuddles. This ploy however was a complete failure as the Teddybear has an unlimited supply of cuddles. The Teddybear, who was available for comment at this time, but deeply troubled by all these requests for personal cuddles stated, "To cuddle or not to cuddle, that is the question." A very deep comment. We thank the Bear.

Investigations are still underway by the BBI and the fate of Kahuna (Big) will be determined upon the uncovering of further evidence of bogosity.... The head of the investigation, Detective Smirnoff Jones assured us that the accused will be charged accordingly... by Dearly or otherwise.

That's all for now and as they say in the movies "May the farce be with you." This is BNN...

And now for the weather with our very own I. C. Fog...

Kahuna Heralds the Coming of Winter

This NB-complete photo titled omgimsoscared is the work of thecreatrus. Used under a Creative Commons License.

GAILLIMH, Éire -- Kahuna will preside over ceremonies tonight to usher in the winter and the New Year in harmony with the Celtic calendar. Bonfires and feasts are scheduled and some form of sacrifice has not been ruled out.

The Baroness—an active practitioner of the shadowy arts—is also expected to take to the skies tonight on her broomstick, weather permitting. The Baroness has threatened to turn Kahuna into a bat, should this sensitive information be blogged. However, her inability to locate the Book of Shadows at the crucial moment has confounded attempts thus far. Kahuna proposes to retaliate by arranging a plenary session of the Cat Council near her coven.

The Teddybear has not been heard from since partying in his underwear last night. Despite being a great believer in the principle of semper ubi sub ubi, it is not known if the supposedly cuddly one was successful in retaining them. Professor Gordon is absconding in the hills, possibly on a high-altitude excursion to further disrupt the ozone layer. His largeness was, however, previously spotted at his favorite watering hole, the Essential Polecat, where he pontificated at length on his plans for global domination.

The Monster has been seen at the premises of the Bogusan Empire, allegedly on imperial business. However, this has not been independently verified. St Vandoofus and Maximillian Bartus are both missing and are expected to awaken at premises other than their own shortly (clothing optional, celery compulsory).

Circus Poll: Is the Teddybear Cuddly?

On this eve of Samhain, as the world becomes colder, we attempt to find the answer to that most baffling question:

Is the Teddybear Cuddly?
	Yes
	No
	I Need a Personal Cuddle Before I Decide
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Gordon in High Voltage Plot?

Directed graph to Gordon's new facilities (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)

PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- After a brief hiatus prospecting for oil in Kandalama, Kahuna wannabe and capacitor expert, Professor Gordon has been seen once again roaming the hallowed halls of the Peradeniya University.

Eye-witnesses reported that Gordon had gained access to the High Voltage Laboratory of the University by underhand means. Although, Gordon's modus operandi was not immediately clear, experts speculated that the portly one could be fabricating replacement capacitors for his array of jet engines.

In a prepared statement to the media, the Vice Chancellor's gardener said that he is taking the necessary steps to thwart Gordon's activities on campus, but refused to discuss further details. He did, however, say that "resistance is futile," raising the possibility of a super-conducting or cryogenic solution to the current problem. Experts agreed that the sooner Gordon was grounded, the better for all concerned as the potential difference was completely unacceptable.

KNN will provide round-the-clock coverage of this developing story.

Kahuna Strikes Back, Threatens to Publish Memoirs

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna revealed that parties acting in concert were attempting to tarnish His spotless reputation.

Categorically denying the sordid allegations made by both Vandoofus and the Teddybear, Kahuna reminded both parties that He knew where they lived. Industry analysts viewed this as a serious threat, given the limitless reach of Kahuna's global logistics empire and His proven track record in practical buffoonery.

In a related strategic move, Kahuna revealed that He is considering the publication of His extensive memoirs, with more than several chapters devoted to the events at the Bogopolis by the Sea during the late 20^th century. It is believed that these will feature the colorful escapades of Vandoofus in graphic detail. Experts familiar with the subject warned that Vandoofus would need a team of archeologists to dig out of this one.

When asked about the Teddybear, Kahuna said the rascal was not forgotten. The Teddybear would shortly be the proud recipient of a shipment of Energizer batteries to remedy the one that was not included in the last round of buffoonery. Industry insiders suspected this would give the Teddybear a buzz that would simply keep going and going.

Responding to reports that Vandoofus may be seeking to invade Boston, Kahuna scoffed at the idea saying that Vandoofus is attempting to gain political mileage from the first Red Sox win of the so-called World Series after 86 years. He further stated that any attempts to invade Boston would be met with stiff resistance including but not necessarily limited to armed bears, flying attack porcupines and squirrels bearing large nuts.

Vandoofus and the Teddybear were asleep (in separate locations) and not available for comment.

Capital of Vandoofus Kingdom Moving to Boston?

NEW YORK, New York -- The supreme leader of the Kingdom of Vandoofus has indicated plans to move his capital and official residency from New York to Boston. Speculations among the inner circle of his administration indicate the move could be related to the recent victory by the Red Sox with which the curse of Bambino was also broken. Except for minor setbacks such as expected resistance from the feeble rebel group headed by Kahuna, the move should be smooth sailing for the Vandoofus military front. The rebels of Kahuna, who were heavily reliant on the Bambino curse to keep their resistance going, will now be completely defenseless and vulnerable. The vandofus administration plan to work closely with the next democratically elected leader of the Americas which also just happened to be from Boston.

NEWSFLASH

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In news just in, it has been reported that the Kahuna (Big) is not only blogosexual, but has also admitted to being trysexual, which as the name suggests means that he will try anything. Although, the bad news for Kahuna (Big) is that anything has rejected his advances and suggested that he go and attempt to woo a stick. Anything is still waiting for a response to this suggestion.

Due to the lackluster newscasters in Colombo, Sri Lanka and other parts of the world, Brighton is claiming ownership to this breaking news.

And now the weather with Ms. Sunny I. Thinknot ...

Kahuna the Blogosexual?

CHELSEA, New York -- The days of the metrosexual are numbered. The flamboyant urban male person with strong aesthetic sense who spent most of his time and money on his appearance and lifestyle has apparently been replaced. The new cool person who is adored by the women and envied by the male is the ‘blogosexual’. Leading the movement is our own Big Kahuna who didn’t make it far as a metrosexual or for that matter as a heterosexual. But as far as blogsexual goes, the man (or the thing) is in the forefront of world’s trendy fashion circles. So watch out for our Kahuna, he has finally made a fashion statement, even if it is only virtual and is setting trends.

Vandoofus Accused of Vandalism

NEW YORK, New York -- Kahuna today accused Vandoofus of vandalism and blogging under the influence after the Circus was defaced with blasphemous tripe appeared in the blog description:

This is the circus. This site is best viewd [sic] drunk. Microsoft Internet Explorer might help. Use of opensource browsers (Mozilla, FireFox) may piss off the blogletts.

Kahuna revealed that this latest incident occured after He refused outrageous demands by Vandoofus that personal “entertainment” costs should be made business expenses. Arguing that the only blog traffic at the time originated from Vandoofus's New York apartments, Kahuna added that Eliot Spitzer was already on the job.

Speaking to the media shortly afterwards, Vandoofus declared that it could have been any of the numerous visitors to his apartments. Kahuna retorted that this appears to be precisely why Vandoofus's entertainment expenses have hit the roof.

Attorney General Spitzer was not available for comment.

Happy Birthday Teddybear! Hump!

The universal hump symbol (Copyright 2004 © B Kahuna)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear, who celebrates his 25^th birthday today was awoken from slumber in the not-so-early hours by none other than Kahuna. The international PSTN was misused for this purpose. It is reported that other large clowns including a powerful hotel baroness known for double-charging customers and buffoon roommates had made nuisances of themselves in the small hours of the morning.

These latest acts of clown come hot on the heels of earlier buffoonery when Kahuna's global logistics empire arranged the delivery of unmarked packages to the unsuspecting Teddybear, who was unwise enough to open them in the company of his roommates. The slippery situation that arose was, however, subsequently stabilized gyroscopically. It is understood that a battery, which was not included, had also been instrumental in salvaging the potentially shaky circumstances. A frictionless and amicable state of affairs had been restored by the time of writing and some of the more controversial items have been locked away.

Speaking to the media today, Kahuna accepted responsibility for the buffoonery, but hinted that the hotel baroness may have been involved in the plot, hatched under the cover of darkness. It is widely suspected that crackpot inventor and climatologist, Professor Gordon was also knowledgeable about the plans.

Reiterating sentiments in greeting cards shipped out of the continental United States, the Circus wishes the Teddybear a very happy birthday with lots of tickles, rubs, squeezes, spanks, smooches, hugs, licks and bites.

The Teddybear was unavailable for comment, having absconded for cricket practice. The possibility of an orgy tonight, however, has not been completely ruled out.

Gordon Barges In

File photograph of the Kandalama tank (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of Professor Gordon have been reported during the weekend from the Kandalama region. Several people reported seeing a suspicious person dressed as an ornithologist navigating the Kandalama tank in a barge.

It is believed that Gordon may have been prospecting for crude oil to eventually power his array of jet engines designed to convert the planet into a giant Popsicle.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

Uniflow Scuttled

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In breaking news, the quasi-bogus Uniflow system has been scuttled less than 24 hours after going online. A high level of annoyance among the general public is seen to be the cause of the scheme's demise.

A press release issued by Kahuna stated that Professor Gordon had failed yet again to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by using a large number of vehicles traversing a cyclic path. The highway menace was not available for comment, having absconded early to his rural lair.

Lost in Colombo

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Buffoonery took a turn for the worse this Monday morning in the tropical bogopolis of Colombo with the new Uniflow traffic system coming online. Uniflow caused chaos by updating the metropolitan routing table to declare trunk routes one-way with inter-connecting routes randomly polarized. High levels of confuse() function call usage was evidenced among motorists, along with priority given to various species of omnibus.

Motorists who had not received the routing updates were seen traversing city blocks in circular fashion with no escape route in sight. It is believed that some will never find their way out of the maze worthy of Daedalus.

Kahuna too was gravely inconvenienced when expected routes were found to be blocked by the City's Finest. However, members of said Finest demonstrated that they were indeed synchronized with the metropolitan routing table via OSPF and provided prompt exit instructions using appropriate directional gestures. This indeed turned to be the shortest path that was open.

It appears that the designers of this dastardly scheme have studied queuing theory in considerable detail before deciding to abandon it completely. The principle that adding bandwidth to already congested networks does not improve matters was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt this morning.

When asked for his views, Arch-motorist Professor Gordon quoted Nolan and said that this is still the learning stage. An expert on cyclic paths, Gordon is believed to be in the pay of the designers of Uniflow.

The Heist

OSLO, Norway -- Remember Edvard Munch's painting The Scream, which was stolen from the Munch Museum at gunpoint in August? Well they discovered the perpetrators, and it makes perfect sense now! Ann Telnaes, the farce is strong in you.

The painting is still missing and is probably at an undisclosed location along with the duck hunter.

Incidentally, the unusually intense sunset depicted in the painting has been traced to the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883.

Spitzer Eyes LoudCloud

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- New York Attorney General and fellow blogger Eliot Spitzer, announced an investigation into the LoudCloud blog citing suspicion of insider trading and financial irregularities. Dismissing threats issued by LoudCloud of falling objects as purely gravitational, Spitzer said the perpetrators will be gravely inconvenienced by his investigations.

The management of LoudCloud was not available for comment.

LoudCloud Moved

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- LoudCloud was recently moved to an undisclosed location after being attacked by hackers. While the LoudCloud Management regrets any inconvenience caused to the blogging public, the new location will remain secret until the perpetrators are caught and brought to justice. In related developments, the sudden closure of LoudCloud is being investigated by authorities for alleged insider trading and fraudulent financial transactions.

Honeydew and Beaker Trounce Gordon for Top Science Honors

Honeydew and Beaker interviewed live on KNN

EXETER, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, the British Association for the Advancement of Science reported that Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker from Muppet Labs have been named the UK's top scientists. The pair easily defeated crackpot inventor and evil genius, Professor Gordon, another key contender for the award.

Speaking to KNN shortly after accepting the award, Honeydew who is better known as Dr Bunsen, said that he and his assistant Beaker were eminently suitable to receive the award as they had blown up far more things than anyone else. Beaker meeped in agreement. Commenting on his latest work, Honeydew said he is developing a large heater to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative. Disappointingly, no explosions took place during the interview.

A fuming Gordon told KNN he was not amused and added that he suspected the whole event was rigged by arch-nemesis Maximillian Bartus. Saying that the latex magnate was "out to get him," a highly-charged Gordon promised swift action against both BartCorp and Muppet Labs (a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).

KNN will provide highly biased live coverage of the event.

Unauthorized Clown School Draws Fire

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking developments, the existence of an unauthorized Clown School headed by a person calling himself the Jester (holy #@$%, Batman!) has come to light. Born in the Year of the Monkey, among the sordid interests of this person appear to be sex drugs. This interest appears to be unique within the blogging community and a rise in the sildenafil citrate futures market remains unlikely. The treacherous Monster also appears to be in league with this individual.

In comments to the media, Kahuna declared that the sublime arts of clowning and buffoonery were natural traits that could not be taught in schools. He added that cease and desist orders would be issued shortly and reserved His right to arm bears and scramble the flying attack porcupines.

KNN will provide unbiased coverage of the developing situation.

Jet-Powered Beer Cooling Unveiled

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In his continuing research into gas-turbine engines, Kahuna has discovered non-standard use of the technology.

Simon Jansen from New Zealand, for instance, has constructed a Jet-Powered Beer Cooler that uses Liquid Petroleum Gas (LPG) as fuel. Rather than use the output power of the engine to drive conventional refrigeration equipment, this device relies on the rapid expansion of LPG from liquid to gas (drawing energy from the surroundings) in order to provide the cooling effect. Guinness Draught beer has been successfully chilled down to 2° Celsius using the homemade cooling system.

These extreme methods of refrigeration fall within the meaning of buffoonery and Simon Jansen has been declared a large clown.

Kahuna cautioned that the dastardly Professor Gordon was quite likely to attempt replicating this form of cooling at his rural hideout, possibly using an array of General Electric GE90-115B high-bypass turbofan engines to usher in the next ice age (not to mention a fuel crisis). This appears to be in line with his hidden agenda to become the Clarence Birdseye of the 21^st century.

Gordon was not available for comment on these latest accusations.