Kahuna Reports a Week of Buffoonery

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Reports from western Africa indicate the formation of a severe spatiotemporal anomaly merging parts of Ghana with Berlin, Germany. Spatial geometricians believe that the soft toy specialist, Huggles is behind the dastardly phenomenon. Space-time around the alleged serial hugger appears to be not merely curved, but bent completely out of shape. It is understood that Huggles intends to move Berlin to Ghana with the aim of acquiring the historic Berlin Bear for his personal use. Informed sources revealed that Huggles is particularly interested in the Berlin Bear’s tongue and speculated that the Teddybear may be next in line for a possible acquisition along similar lines. They added that Huggles intends to become the cuddliest and give the Teddybear a run for his money.

When pressed for a comment, Huggles merely sniggered and grinned, surpassing the Cheshire Cat by several megawatts. In related news, cocoa prices skyrocketed to five-year highs due to increasing levels of bogosity in the nearby Republic of Côte d'Ivoire.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, the Menace (intended Consort of Huggles) has resorted to forced-labor in order to construct complex containers from irregular polygons. It is envisaged that these will hold items of confectionery during a planned ritual in the near future. Throughput—measured in vector polyhedra per fortnight—remains infuriatingly low. Kahuna and others have threatened retaliation and a potential mutiny among the enslaved has not been ruled out.

Detractors have also drawn similarities between the aforementioned container class and a cauliflower (Brassica oleracea botrytis). This was, however, upgraded to a cabbage (Brassica oleracea capitata) after some debate. Previous critics of the cabbage family have included Gaius Julius Caesar, whose blistering culinary invective, “Oh, stuff your brassica oleracea capitata!” was expunged from the Senate record in or around 52 BC [1][2].

Kahuna notes that the hilarious rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica), considered one of the most inherently funny words in the English language, is also a member of the cabbage family. Kumquat anyone? Duck!

Outright Buffoonery (OB) took place at a Circus held on Friday at the Bavarian Barn to commemorate the birthday of Reference Menace and known deviant Timothy. The male guests were subject to the usual untoward attention of the birthday boy and none escaped untouched. Among the gifts was a soft toy of leonine nature, items of apparel and explicit literature entitled Tantra: The Art of Mind Blowing Sex. It must be noted that a volume on the dark arts of Tibetan origin was presented at a similar ceremony last year. While Timothy’s Clown Consort objected to the material on grounds of yet more sleepless nights, Timothy and Buffy both appeared to be enthralled by the text. The situation deteriorated rapidly when the fiend insisted on reading excerpts of the text to those within earshot. A hasty exit from the premises was effected to avoid the inevitable descent towards anarchy. Analysts suspect that the Baroness, along with Kahuna may have played a key role in the selection of gifts. Kahuna, nevertheless, insisted that the Baroness acted alone. The Baroness in turn categorically denied the allegations and threatened to turn Kahuna into a toad.

The Teddybear, who has not been heard from frequently, is recovering from hyperextension and exhaustion due to excessive cuddling. With his cuddliness being questioned in a Circus Poll, the Teddybear has been cuddling extensively to prove himself. While only 25% of voters believed that the Teddybear is cuddly, a phenomenal 58% of those polled wished to have a personal cuddle before deciding. Informed sources reveal that the Teddybear is also eyeing the Japanese market. The Nikkei 225 reacted by closing almost a percentage point lower at the end of trading today. St Vandoofus, a vehement skeptic of the Teddybear cuddliness was not available for comment.

Professor Gordon, who had been lying low during the last week, successfully blocked the Suez Canal late Sunday by sabotaging a Liberian-registered oil tanker. Maintenance crews are struggling to repair the stranded vessel and clear the canal. The master saboteur is now reputedly eyeing the Panama Canal with the intent of holding the global shipping industry to ransom. Gordon’s Global Cooling initiative is also expected to permanently close the Northwest Passage and further limit shipping options, as he ushers in the next Ice Age. Oil prices remained high at the close of markets Monday.

[1] Alea Jacta Est: Gareth Thomas' Asterix Site for Grown-ups
[2] The Asterix Annotations 3.0

Exploits of Literature

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear has allegedly written a short paper on the division of labour and its relationship to the industrial revolution in America. This is hardly a topic to elaborate on as we at BNN don't really understand the contents of the paper and according to reliable sources neither does the Bear who was last seen trying to cuddle the professor concerned to achieve a higher grade.

It has also been reported that there have been suspicious cards that have exchanged hands on one Timothy's birthday that contained various pictures of known sex symbols. Huggles, Teddybear and the Sibling to name a few ... this has been deemed very appropriate. We are trying to get in touch with Huggles for comment. No, not trying to touch ... get in touch.

That’s all from the BNN office and now for the weather report with Mr. Rain Bow ...

Gordon Blocks Suez, Ships Stranded

PORT SAID, Egypt -- In the latest news reaching KNN, international master criminal Professor Gordon has successfully blockaded the Suez Canal, 45 miles south of Port Said. The shipping menace has engineered the breakdown of a Liberian-registered fuel tanker to force a shutdown of the canal.

It is reported that the passage of 40 ships have been blocked, causing chaos in the shipping industry. Gordon's motives are not entirely clear and the full impact of the situation is still being assessed.

This is a developing story and KNN will provide live coverage.

Shattering News: Hitler Liveth?

BERLIN, Ghana -- In shattering news today, a rather unasuming, mild mannered Mr Kent has reported on the daily planet on a plot to spread Nazism to every corner of the world. It has been noted that our very own Kahuna(big) has aided in this investigation by monitoring sensitive events on the web, which spins wide across the world, from his blogopolis (Although this is an illegal activity, due to the severity of the situation, kahuna has been subjected to a nominal punishment of 10 cuddles from Teddy (Kahuna has apparently passed out in pleasure at the time of writing and was unavailable for comment)).

It has been unearthed that certain parts of Africa seem to be missing from the world wide web and have been replaced by networks from Germany. The seductive yet thoroughly professional Ms Lane has been dispatched to uncover the truth and it is rumored that a certain member of the circus is awaiting impatiently for her to get to the bottom of this.

It is unclear at this time who is responsible, but interestingly, investigations have confirmed that Professor Gordon's middle name happens to be Adolf. The Empire has also stated that the increased activity on the Blogopolis may be a distractive ploy and are conducting investigations into the possibility of accomplices among the bloggers.

Citizens are advised to stay on their toes^*. Danger could strike anywhere...anytime... Boston and Brighton are already suspected to be overcome by this large menace.

The Allies are mobilising their armies even as we speak but reports confirm that the Commander in Chief of the Bogus States of America has, surprisingly, already stated an end to major combat.

We shall keep you informed as events unfold.

^*A recent survey has determined that ballet dancers have a life span much longer than others.

Breaking News: Circus Poll - Large Farce

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In a surprise raid by the BBI (Blogspot Bureau of Investigation) today it was discovered that the circus poll administered by one Big Kahuna was indeed quite bogus due to the fact that the accused was aware all along that the Teddybear was very cuddly thus rendering the poll completely useless.

In other news and completely irrelevantly the above sentence is probably one of the longest in history and quite possibly will not go down too well with one MS Word by B. Gates.

And now back to breaking news...

Such acts of time wasting of these faithful bloggers' time is a serious violation of good practice and the accused will be charged (by) Dearly for this ..... Dearly unfortunately was unavailable for comments due to her commitments of charging someone else...

It was also uncovered that bloggers who voted for a personal cuddle were also aware of the Teddybear's cuddliness and these was a combined ploy to try and exhaust the Teddybear of all his cuddles. This ploy however was a complete failure as the Teddybear has an unlimited supply of cuddles. The Teddybear, who was available for comment at this time, but deeply troubled by all these requests for personal cuddles stated, "To cuddle or not to cuddle, that is the question." A very deep comment. We thank the Bear.

Investigations are still underway by the BBI and the fate of Kahuna (Big) will be determined upon the uncovering of further evidence of bogosity.... The head of the investigation, Detective Smirnoff Jones assured us that the accused will be charged accordingly... by Dearly or otherwise.

That's all for now and as they say in the movies "May the farce be with you." This is BNN...

And now for the weather with our very own I. C. Fog...

Kahuna Heralds the Coming of Winter

This NB-complete photo titled omgimsoscared is the work of thecreatrus. Used under a Creative Commons License.

GAILLIMH, Éire -- Kahuna will preside over ceremonies tonight to usher in the winter and the New Year in harmony with the Celtic calendar. Bonfires and feasts are scheduled and some form of sacrifice has not been ruled out.

The Baroness—an active practitioner of the shadowy arts—is also expected to take to the skies tonight on her broomstick, weather permitting. The Baroness has threatened to turn Kahuna into a bat, should this sensitive information be blogged. However, her inability to locate the Book of Shadows at the crucial moment has confounded attempts thus far. Kahuna proposes to retaliate by arranging a plenary session of the Cat Council near her coven.

The Teddybear has not been heard from since partying in his underwear last night. Despite being a great believer in the principle of semper ubi sub ubi, it is not known if the supposedly cuddly one was successful in retaining them. Professor Gordon is absconding in the hills, possibly on a high-altitude excursion to further disrupt the ozone layer. His largeness was, however, previously spotted at his favorite watering hole, the Essential Polecat, where he pontificated at length on his plans for global domination.

The Monster has been seen at the premises of the Bogusan Empire, allegedly on imperial business. However, this has not been independently verified. St Vandoofus and Maximillian Bartus are both missing and are expected to awaken at premises other than their own shortly (clothing optional, celery compulsory).

Circus Poll: Is the Teddybear Cuddly?

On this eve of Samhain, as the world becomes colder, we attempt to find the answer to that most baffling question:

Is the Teddybear Cuddly?
	Yes
	No
	I Need a Personal Cuddle Before I Decide
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Gordon in High Voltage Plot?

Directed graph to Gordon's new facilities (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)

PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- After a brief hiatus prospecting for oil in Kandalama, Kahuna wannabe and capacitor expert, Professor Gordon has been seen once again roaming the hallowed halls of the Peradeniya University.

Eye-witnesses reported that Gordon had gained access to the High Voltage Laboratory of the University by underhand means. Although, Gordon's modus operandi was not immediately clear, experts speculated that the portly one could be fabricating replacement capacitors for his array of jet engines.

In a prepared statement to the media, the Vice Chancellor's gardener said that he is taking the necessary steps to thwart Gordon's activities on campus, but refused to discuss further details. He did, however, say that "resistance is futile," raising the possibility of a super-conducting or cryogenic solution to the current problem. Experts agreed that the sooner Gordon was grounded, the better for all concerned as the potential difference was completely unacceptable.

KNN will provide round-the-clock coverage of this developing story.

Kahuna Strikes Back, Threatens to Publish Memoirs

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna revealed that parties acting in concert were attempting to tarnish His spotless reputation.

Categorically denying the sordid allegations made by both Vandoofus and the Teddybear, Kahuna reminded both parties that He knew where they lived. Industry analysts viewed this as a serious threat, given the limitless reach of Kahuna's global logistics empire and His proven track record in practical buffoonery.

In a related strategic move, Kahuna revealed that He is considering the publication of His extensive memoirs, with more than several chapters devoted to the events at the Bogopolis by the Sea during the late 20^th century. It is believed that these will feature the colorful escapades of Vandoofus in graphic detail. Experts familiar with the subject warned that Vandoofus would need a team of archeologists to dig out of this one.

When asked about the Teddybear, Kahuna said the rascal was not forgotten. The Teddybear would shortly be the proud recipient of a shipment of Energizer batteries to remedy the one that was not included in the last round of buffoonery. Industry insiders suspected this would give the Teddybear a buzz that would simply keep going and going.

Responding to reports that Vandoofus may be seeking to invade Boston, Kahuna scoffed at the idea saying that Vandoofus is attempting to gain political mileage from the first Red Sox win of the so-called World Series after 86 years. He further stated that any attempts to invade Boston would be met with stiff resistance including but not necessarily limited to armed bears, flying attack porcupines and squirrels bearing large nuts.

Vandoofus and the Teddybear were asleep (in separate locations) and not available for comment.

Capital of Vandoofus Kingdom Moving to Boston?

NEW YORK, New York -- The supreme leader of the Kingdom of Vandoofus has indicated plans to move his capital and official residency from New York to Boston. Speculations among the inner circle of his administration indicate the move could be related to the recent victory by the Red Sox with which the curse of Bambino was also broken. Except for minor setbacks such as expected resistance from the feeble rebel group headed by Kahuna, the move should be smooth sailing for the Vandoofus military front. The rebels of Kahuna, who were heavily reliant on the Bambino curse to keep their resistance going, will now be completely defenseless and vulnerable. The vandofus administration plan to work closely with the next democratically elected leader of the Americas which also just happened to be from Boston.

NEWSFLASH

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In news just in, it has been reported that the Kahuna (Big) is not only blogosexual, but has also admitted to being trysexual, which as the name suggests means that he will try anything. Although, the bad news for Kahuna (Big) is that anything has rejected his advances and suggested that he go and attempt to woo a stick. Anything is still waiting for a response to this suggestion.

Due to the lackluster newscasters in Colombo, Sri Lanka and other parts of the world, Brighton is claiming ownership to this breaking news.

And now the weather with Ms. Sunny I. Thinknot ...

Kahuna the Blogosexual?

CHELSEA, New York -- The days of the metrosexual are numbered. The flamboyant urban male person with strong aesthetic sense who spent most of his time and money on his appearance and lifestyle has apparently been replaced. The new cool person who is adored by the women and envied by the male is the ‘blogosexual’. Leading the movement is our own Big Kahuna who didn’t make it far as a metrosexual or for that matter as a heterosexual. But as far as blogsexual goes, the man (or the thing) is in the forefront of world’s trendy fashion circles. So watch out for our Kahuna, he has finally made a fashion statement, even if it is only virtual and is setting trends.

Vandoofus Accused of Vandalism

NEW YORK, New York -- Kahuna today accused Vandoofus of vandalism and blogging under the influence after the Circus was defaced with blasphemous tripe appeared in the blog description:

This is the circus. This site is best viewd [sic] drunk. Microsoft Internet Explorer might help. Use of opensource browsers (Mozilla, FireFox) may piss off the blogletts.

Kahuna revealed that this latest incident occured after He refused outrageous demands by Vandoofus that personal “entertainment” costs should be made business expenses. Arguing that the only blog traffic at the time originated from Vandoofus's New York apartments, Kahuna added that Eliot Spitzer was already on the job.

Speaking to the media shortly afterwards, Vandoofus declared that it could have been any of the numerous visitors to his apartments. Kahuna retorted that this appears to be precisely why Vandoofus's entertainment expenses have hit the roof.

Attorney General Spitzer was not available for comment.

Happy Birthday Teddybear! Hump!

The universal hump symbol (Copyright 2004 © B Kahuna)

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- The Teddybear, who celebrates his 25^th birthday today was awoken from slumber in the not-so-early hours by none other than Kahuna. The international PSTN was misused for this purpose. It is reported that other large clowns including a powerful hotel baroness known for double-charging customers and buffoon roommates had made nuisances of themselves in the small hours of the morning.

These latest acts of clown come hot on the heels of earlier buffoonery when Kahuna's global logistics empire arranged the delivery of unmarked packages to the unsuspecting Teddybear, who was unwise enough to open them in the company of his roommates. The slippery situation that arose was, however, subsequently stabilized gyroscopically. It is understood that a battery, which was not included, had also been instrumental in salvaging the potentially shaky circumstances. A frictionless and amicable state of affairs had been restored by the time of writing and some of the more controversial items have been locked away.

Speaking to the media today, Kahuna accepted responsibility for the buffoonery, but hinted that the hotel baroness may have been involved in the plot, hatched under the cover of darkness. It is widely suspected that crackpot inventor and climatologist, Professor Gordon was also knowledgeable about the plans.

Reiterating sentiments in greeting cards shipped out of the continental United States, the Circus wishes the Teddybear a very happy birthday with lots of tickles, rubs, squeezes, spanks, smooches, hugs, licks and bites.

The Teddybear was unavailable for comment, having absconded for cricket practice. The possibility of an orgy tonight, however, has not been completely ruled out.

Gordon Barges In

File photograph of the Kandalama tank (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of Professor Gordon have been reported during the weekend from the Kandalama region. Several people reported seeing a suspicious person dressed as an ornithologist navigating the Kandalama tank in a barge.

It is believed that Gordon may have been prospecting for crude oil to eventually power his array of jet engines designed to convert the planet into a giant Popsicle.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

Uniflow Scuttled

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In breaking news, the quasi-bogus Uniflow system has been scuttled less than 24 hours after going online. A high level of annoyance among the general public is seen to be the cause of the scheme's demise.

A press release issued by Kahuna stated that Professor Gordon had failed yet again to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by using a large number of vehicles traversing a cyclic path. The highway menace was not available for comment, having absconded early to his rural lair.

Lost in Colombo

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Buffoonery took a turn for the worse this Monday morning in the tropical bogopolis of Colombo with the new Uniflow traffic system coming online. Uniflow caused chaos by updating the metropolitan routing table to declare trunk routes one-way with inter-connecting routes randomly polarized. High levels of confuse() function call usage was evidenced among motorists, along with priority given to various species of omnibus.

Motorists who had not received the routing updates were seen traversing city blocks in circular fashion with no escape route in sight. It is believed that some will never find their way out of the maze worthy of Daedalus.

Kahuna too was gravely inconvenienced when expected routes were found to be blocked by the City's Finest. However, members of said Finest demonstrated that they were indeed synchronized with the metropolitan routing table via OSPF and provided prompt exit instructions using appropriate directional gestures. This indeed turned to be the shortest path that was open.

It appears that the designers of this dastardly scheme have studied queuing theory in considerable detail before deciding to abandon it completely. The principle that adding bandwidth to already congested networks does not improve matters was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt this morning.

When asked for his views, Arch-motorist Professor Gordon quoted Nolan and said that this is still the learning stage. An expert on cyclic paths, Gordon is believed to be in the pay of the designers of Uniflow.

The Heist

OSLO, Norway -- Remember Edvard Munch's painting The Scream, which was stolen from the Munch Museum at gunpoint in August? Well they discovered the perpetrators, and it makes perfect sense now! Ann Telnaes, the farce is strong in you.

The painting is still missing and is probably at an undisclosed location along with the duck hunter.

Incidentally, the unusually intense sunset depicted in the painting has been traced to the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883.

Spitzer Eyes LoudCloud

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- New York Attorney General and fellow blogger Eliot Spitzer, announced an investigation into the LoudCloud blog citing suspicion of insider trading and financial irregularities. Dismissing threats issued by LoudCloud of falling objects as purely gravitational, Spitzer said the perpetrators will be gravely inconvenienced by his investigations.

The management of LoudCloud was not available for comment.

LoudCloud Moved

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- LoudCloud was recently moved to an undisclosed location after being attacked by hackers. While the LoudCloud Management regrets any inconvenience caused to the blogging public, the new location will remain secret until the perpetrators are caught and brought to justice. In related developments, the sudden closure of LoudCloud is being investigated by authorities for alleged insider trading and fraudulent financial transactions.

Honeydew and Beaker Trounce Gordon for Top Science Honors

Honeydew and Beaker interviewed live on KNN

EXETER, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, the British Association for the Advancement of Science reported that Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker from Muppet Labs have been named the UK's top scientists. The pair easily defeated crackpot inventor and evil genius, Professor Gordon, another key contender for the award.

Speaking to KNN shortly after accepting the award, Honeydew who is better known as Dr Bunsen, said that he and his assistant Beaker were eminently suitable to receive the award as they had blown up far more things than anyone else. Beaker meeped in agreement. Commenting on his latest work, Honeydew said he is developing a large heater to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative. Disappointingly, no explosions took place during the interview.

A fuming Gordon told KNN he was not amused and added that he suspected the whole event was rigged by arch-nemesis Maximillian Bartus. Saying that the latex magnate was "out to get him," a highly-charged Gordon promised swift action against both BartCorp and Muppet Labs (a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).

KNN will provide highly biased live coverage of the event.

Unauthorized Clown School Draws Fire

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking developments, the existence of an unauthorized Clown School headed by a person calling himself the Jester (holy #@$%, Batman!) has come to light. Born in the Year of the Monkey, among the sordid interests of this person appear to be sex drugs. This interest appears to be unique within the blogging community and a rise in the sildenafil citrate futures market remains unlikely. The treacherous Monster also appears to be in league with this individual.

In comments to the media, Kahuna declared that the sublime arts of clowning and buffoonery were natural traits that could not be taught in schools. He added that cease and desist orders would be issued shortly and reserved His right to arm bears and scramble the flying attack porcupines.

KNN will provide unbiased coverage of the developing situation.

Jet-Powered Beer Cooling Unveiled

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In his continuing research into gas-turbine engines, Kahuna has discovered non-standard use of the technology.

Simon Jansen from New Zealand, for instance, has constructed a Jet-Powered Beer Cooler that uses Liquid Petroleum Gas (LPG) as fuel. Rather than use the output power of the engine to drive conventional refrigeration equipment, this device relies on the rapid expansion of LPG from liquid to gas (drawing energy from the surroundings) in order to provide the cooling effect. Guinness Draught beer has been successfully chilled down to 2° Celsius using the homemade cooling system.

These extreme methods of refrigeration fall within the meaning of buffoonery and Simon Jansen has been declared a large clown.

Kahuna cautioned that the dastardly Professor Gordon was quite likely to attempt replicating this form of cooling at his rural hideout, possibly using an array of General Electric GE90-115B high-bypass turbofan engines to usher in the next ice age (not to mention a fuel crisis). This appears to be in line with his hidden agenda to become the Clarence Birdseye of the 21^st century.

Gordon was not available for comment on these latest accusations.

Gordon Escapes after Lobster Tip-off

Night-vision cameras captured Gordon's spectacular escape in GITT

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- International master criminal and crackpot inventor, Professor Gordon narrowly escaped the long arm of the law last week and sped-off in his new automobile, the GITT Mk2. Wanted for questioning regarding an illegal banana plantation in the Bahamas, Gordon was about to be arrested by the local constabulary while dining at a popular seafood restaurant. However, the evil genius evaded arrest and made off at considerable speed in his vehicle.

It is widely believed that Gordon had been tipped-off by some form of message embedded in his lobster thermidor. The proprietors of the seafood establishment, however, denied any involvement in the incident. Local law-enforcement officers are continuing investigations. Gordon was not available for comment.

Kahuna Returns

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- After a break of many weeks, Kahuna announced today that He is back. Explaining that his absence was due to a much-needed vacation, Kahuna added that new postings could be expected shortly. In the meantime, the Blogger status bar has been activated and the blog registered with Google for purposes of site searching. The email post feature has also been enabled to allow posts to be emailed to unsuspecting members of the public, directly from the blog.

Gordon Secretly Constructing GITT Mk2

Photographs of GITT Mk2 obtained covertly from the premises of Gordon Industries

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- News breaking from the rural hideout of Professor Gordon indicates that the crackpot inventor is secretly constructing the Gordon Industries Twenty Thousand (GITT Mk2). The new vehicle, disguised as a Mazda Familia, is rumored to be fitted with a possibly stolen sequential transmission and fuel-injection system. This move away from carburetion has apparently been the key learning from Gordon's disastrous government-sponsored research program in Cuba. At least as far as his personal set of wheels is concerned.

Gordon is apparently making his way up to the Gordon Industries Forty Thousand, which he believes will be a GIFT. Critics however, disagreed stating that Gordon would get the GIST of things by the time he worked his way up to the Gordon Industries Sixty Thousand.

Gordon was not available for comment, having set the New Toy Protocol (NTP) bit. Kahuna, however, revealed that his operatives at the Bogusan Empire are armed with photographic equipment when GITT Mk2 is expected to make its debut. KNN will provide live coverage of the event.

The Zen of Sysadmins

Here's that little gem from the Memorable Quotes from alt.sysadmin.recovery

We are at One with our work. If you disturb our work, our foot will be at One with your ass. Sadly, you won't be at One with anything thereafter. You'll be in lots of little pieces we call bits, some of which are at One with themselves, and others, which are at Zero with themselves, but none of which will be at One with you.

- J Gostin

Picasa Es Su Casa?

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- Powerful clowns at Google Inc., have decided to unleash buffoonery upon the planet by acquiring Picasa and making the software available free to the Chosen. And just in case that didn't do the job, the new web-based rich text editor most certainly will. May you live long and blog!

Cuban Carburetor Crisis Brewing

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- In breaking news from Havana, Cuban Chief Scientist, Professor Gordon announced that he had succeeded in fabricating a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor. The announcement was received with considerable skepticism as Gordon's previous "working" models simply did not, and quite explosively so.

Critics took a dim view of the developing situation and warned that this could be yet another rich mixture, given Gordon's notorious background in pyrotechnics. Combustion, they added, may not be confined exclusively to the engine manifold. Injecting fuel into the already flammable situation, some experts speculated that Gordon may have in fact, been working on a hitherto untried gasoline-driven external combustion engine.

Speaking to journalists at a press conference held at the Palace of the Revolution, Gordon announced that his breakthrough came about when he experimented with a new butterfly value design constructed entirely from saucepan-grade aluminium. Although, he refused to divulge further details, the unexpected news sparked fears of an alumimum shortage and drove prices in the commodities market sharply upward. Analysts believed, however that prices would stabilize by the close of trading tomorrow, once Gordon blew up yet another vintage Chevy.

Gordon was appointed to his post in June by Cuban leader Fidel Castro Ruz, with a mandate to accelerate growth in the ailing carburetor industry. Progress, however, has been disappointing and Gordon's engineering knowledge has been widely criticized.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

"Kahuna" Looking to Relocate Hooch Operation

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed reports coming in just a short while ago indicate that the self-proclaimed despot of Panadura and undisputed Kasippu King "Kahuna" is looking to relocate his hooch operations.

"Kahuna" is reportedly harboring serious concerns about the security of his covert operation spot in the middle of a highly residential area of Panadura. This is following the recent expose on CircusOne by undercover sleuths.

There is speculation that "Kahuna" is attempting to acquire a forest reserve in the Kukule Ganga area of central Sri Lanka as his new hideout and distillery. It is alleged that a sum of close to LKR 200,000 in bribes will be doled out to forestry officials over the course of next week - a paltry figure considering the land is valued at close to LKR 5 million.

"Kahuna" was not available for comment.

The Gordon Wind Tunnel Saga: The Untold Story

ST KAHUNABURG, Russia -- In unexpected developments, Kahuna disclosed the story behind the Gordon wind tunnel exposé reported Friday. Vacationing at His Winter Palace in St Kahunaburg (formerly Kahunagrad), He admitted that a careless comment by Professor Gordon had inspired the story. Aware of the high PFB (Potential for Blogging), Kahuna had then recruited the Monster and hatched a plot to bogotify Gordon, backed with photographic evidence. Kahuna refused to discuss the terms of the deal but confirmed that the Monster was offered placement in the Witness Protection Program.

Initial attempts to infiltrate the porcupine and wild-cat infested hideout of Gordon in the backwoods of Kendaliyaddapaluwa was confounded by bad weather. However, the incriminating evidence was finally obtained Thursday, while his largeness was blissfully occupied in the customary morning ablutions.

Having acquired the keys to GITT, the Monster slipped the transmission into neutral and pushed the device out of its parking bay. Thereafter, the air-brakes were set in an open position and dirty was done using Gordon's own photographic equipment. GITT was then pushed back into its parking bay and traces of buffoonery removed. The Monster alleges that he had to bathe twice due to these exertions. These allegations however, have not been independently verified.

Despite obtaining the evidence, blogging the post was delayed due to the lack of appropriate serial bus infrastructure at the premises of the Bogusan Empire. The lack of an appropriate data cable caused hours of delay until the such time a suitable instance of the same could be sourced through channels which are best left undisclosed.

Upon discovering the breach in his defenses and the Monster's involvement, Gordon fumed that "there are traitors in my midst" and threatened to revoke the Monster's riding privileges in GITT. Analysts cautioned these moves saying that Gordon was attempting a stable-door closure after the proverbial horse had bolted and were seen having a rollicking good laugh. Gordon was reportedly not amused and has been seen threatening retaliation against those involved in the hilarious episode.

Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) Fails Wind Tunnel Test

File photos of GITT with air-brakes fully extended (Copyright © 2004 The Monster)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka --– In late-breaking news, the notorious Professor Gordon was implicated in a collision with a stationary object on St Michael's Road while attempting a risky air-braking maneuver in his automobile.

Experts believe that Gordon was attempting to use St Michael's Road as a wind tunnel to test the air-braking capability of his latest vehicle, the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) by simultaneously opening all four doors. However, disaster struck during the test when an unexpected force 7 wind gusting from the Indian Ocean rammed the vehicle into a nearby lamppost at high velocity causing some damage to the non-molecularly-bonded shell. It appears that Gordon's air-brakes provided additional lift instead of drag at the crucial moment. Scientists from NASA'’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, CA suggested that Gordon should have been prepared to fire the retro-rockets to avoid a collision.

Critics scoffed at Gordon'’s experiments and pointed out that air-braking capability was available to one Michael Knight in later models of the Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT) several decades ago. They also added that KITT did not usually run into lampposts. A spokesperson for the Foundation for Law and Government (FLAG) refused to be drawn into the controversy, but stated that Gordon’'s shady past was the subject of a recent investigation involving a missing shipment of capacitors.

Speaking to reporters shortly after the incident, Gordon said it was a minor mishap caused by unusual weather conditions and added that he believed the hidden hand of Kahuna was behind the accident. Responding to allegations, Kahuna denied any involvement in the accident stating that his able minions usually attended to matters of weather and climate. He also denied any falling out with Gordon over the naming of the recently founded Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language. Reliable sources, nevertheless maintained that Gordon had expressed great displeasure on Kahuna’s name appearing first in the name of the institute.

The Monster, Ganemulla Bureau Chief of the Kahuna News Network (KNN) also contributed to this post by obtaining photographic evidence of Gordon's automobile being tested at his no-longer secret hideout in rural Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza: The Math Behind the Pizza

TROY, New York -- In His continuing research on pizza, Kahuna has unearthed Paul Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza originally published here in the Project Galactic Guide, August AD 1994.

While Paul Clegg is more commonly known for his work with Project Galactic Guide, what is not so commonly known is his work with the Grand Unification Theory.

The Grand Unification Theory, that is, of Delivered Pizza.

One particularly boring weekend, while gaming with some friends in the basement of one of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's lecture halls, one of Paul's friends had some pizza delivered. Upon receipt of the pizza, which was, apparently, on time but late as usual, Paul noted their response to the temperature of the pizza.

"It's not very hot," they said. Almost immediately, the clockworkings of Paul's brain, dusty though they were, set into motion, pondering the mathematics behind the delivered pizza.

"Is it any good?" Paul asked. And in reply, his friend, with a mouth full of not-quite-hot pizza, mumbled an unexcited affirmation.

Paul then thought that perhaps the quality of a pizza was somehow related to the temperature of the pizza. He also then theorized that the warmth of the pizza was, of course, indirectly proportional to the time it took for the pizza to arrive.

This set down the framework for one of the basic principles and formulas for determining the quality of a delivered pizza. In recognition for his brilliant discoveries in the field of Pizza Delivery Mathematics, the entire team of researchers working in the field named the unit of measure for pizza quality the "Clegg." Eventually, the quality equation was filled out to a more robust form, as shown below:

                             P T

                       Q = -------

                           t (1+I)

Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Cleggs, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end.

I is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. I takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, and the scale has been named "The Toigo Scale," in honor of the man who added it to the equation, Mark Toigo, a chemical engineer at RPI. To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit.

An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Cleggs, with a price of about $12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Toigo Scale.

Amazed with this initial discovery, Paul and his compatriots, who may, or may not, have included Mark Toigo, Sam Blue, Deb Atwood, Kevin Allen, Shawn Havranek, Nigel Westlake, and Brian Moore, set out to derive some more mathematical truths behind delivered pizza. What you'll find below is a somewhat disjointed collection of the more important findings made on that glorious night.

1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation:

             Beta

         t = ----

              D



         Where Beta is a constant in m * s.

2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg):

                      P(avg) T(avg) Alpha

          lifetime = ---------------------

                             Q(avg)

Check the units. They work out.

3. The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza.

4. Shawn's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza.

5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity.

6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "Debs," and R_c is the "Deb Constant."

                                    R

                                     c

                         f       = -----

                          cheese   sauce

7. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation:

            (sum(leftturns)-sum(rightturns)mv

thickness = ----------------------------------

                     f       m       a    R

                      cheese  cheese  car

8. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly.

9. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a Domino's Pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver.

9a. Corollary to the Blue Effect: A Domino's Pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time.

9b. Corollary to the Corollary: The average police response time is much much much greater than the response time of a Troy Ambulance.

10. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120.

11. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to:

                        2

                       n

                      e

12. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant.

Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws.

There, it's a lot clearer now.

Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101)

ROSS ICE SHELF, Antarctica -- In unexpected developments, Professor Gordon and Kahuna have conspired to unleash Absolute Buffoonery (AB) upon the general public by founding the Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language.

Headquartered in picturesque Antarctica overlooking the Ross Sea, the vision of new institute is to completely bogotify language as we know it. To prove their point, the menaces to society have unveiled an excerpt of their Translation Look-aside Buffer (TLB) for the native tongue:

BASIC (Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code) = puhunukaruwan udesaa woo bahu-prayojanawath sankethaathmaka upades deemey sangnaawa

C# = ul C

CSMA/CD (Carrier-Sense Multiple-Access/Collision Detection) = kriyaakaari maadya sanvedi bahu labaageneema/getum seweema

COBOL (Common Business Oriented Language) = bahulawa thibena vyaaparikayan udesaa woo baashawa

CLR (Common Language Runtime) = podu bhaasha duwanaya

DMZ (De-Militarized Zone) = yuda batayingen thora pradeshaya

DOS (Disk Operating System) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

DOS/VSE (Disk Operating System/Virtual Storage Extended) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/adbhootha lesa gabada digukarana lada

FC-AL (Fiber Channel Arbitrated Loop) = kendi naalikaa samatha vatarauma

Firewall = gini-thaappaya

FORTRAN (Formula Translation) = soothra pariwarthanaya

HACMP (High Availability Cluster Multi-Processing) = bahulawa labaagathaheki pokuru bahu-sekaseema

HAGEO (High Availability Geographic Cluster) = bahulawa labaagathaheki bhoogoleeya pokura

IBM (International Business Machines) = anthar-jaathika vyaaparika yanthra

OS (Operating System) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

OS/VS2/MVS (Operating System/Virtual Storage 2/Multiple Virtual Storage) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/deveni bhootha gabadawa/bahu bhootha gabadawa

PABX (Private Automatic Branch Exchange) = pudgalika swayankreeya athu huwamaaruwa

PL/SQL (Procedural Language/Structured Query Language) = kriyaa patipata baashawa/piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

SSA (Serial Storage Architecture) = polimaakara gabada gruha nirmaanaya

SCSI (Small Computer Systems Interface) = kudaa pariganaka padhdhathi muhunuwara

SQL (Structured Query Language) = piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

TCP/IP (Transmission Control Protocol/Internet Protocol) = vikaashana paalana piliwetha/antharjaala piliwetha

TLB (Translation Look-aside Buffer) = pariwarthanayedi ahakabalana bufferaya

Videoconferencing = veediyoe sammanthrana kereema

VM (Virtual Machine) = bhootha yanthraya

VM/CMS (Virtual Machine/Conversational Monitor System) = bhootha yanthraya/kathabas nirikshana padhdhathiya

VPN (Virtual Private Network) = bhootha pudgalika jaalaya

VPN Firewall = bhootha pudgalika jaala gini-thaappaya

In related news, the Surgeon General warned that excessive laughter may lead to shortness of breath and dizzy spells.

Catbert Ruffles Hair with Keyboard Styling Bid

LOS GATOS, California Republic -- Self-styled fashion mogul and Former Reference Clown Catbert rocked the fashion establishment last week by announcing his latest creation: keyboard styling. Denying he had melted half the keys on his notebook attempting to dry them with a hair dryer after a catastrophic beverage spill, Catbert touted them as the latest in fashion. Outraged fashion houses from Milan to New York demanded why Catbert required the use of a hair dryer and speculated if at all he knew how to operate one.

Initial indications from the Management Information Systems division of the Bogusan Empire suggested they were not pleased with Catbert's latest antics. The Head of the all-powerful division is reported to have offered Catbert a more ruggedized notebook in the form of a stone tablet and a chisel.

The Shiny-headed One was detained by Management Information Systems and not immediately available for comment.

The Dreamer's Desk

Geoffrey Bawa's desk looks out towards Sigiriya (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- The desk where the late master architect Geoffrey Bawa dreamed sits alone on the landing looking out towards Sigiriya.

Reflections in the Pond

Reflections in the pond at the eco-park (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna experiments with light and shadow at the eco-park with the sun almost directly overhead with an exposure of 1/200th of a second and an aperture of f/6.3. Other members of the expedition were consorting with reptiles at the time of this capture.

The Bell in Silhouette

Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel, captured against the western horizon a few hours before sunset using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP, 1/400th of a second exposure and an aperture of f/8. Several large clowns were observed ringing the bell at various times during the expedition.

Kahuna Returns to the Woods

KAHUNAVILLE, Connecticut (Formerly MA) - Spokesmen for Kahuna told Associate Press, that a team of behavioral science experts headed by Kahuna himself, the world renowned animal behavioral science expert famous for his research on cows, has successfully concluded an expedition to Kandalama. This is was first time Kahuna has returned to the field after bizarre accident in Kotmale involving a bull sent him to the hospital. The incident almost prompted Kahuna to give up all research on cows. This time, however, Kahuna and his team managed to conduct the experiments without an incident. Kahuna said the expedition was a success and that the findings will be published shortly. He acknowledged the support of his team members and added the research on animals was specially rewarding when conducted with his fellow researchers. Other members of Kahuna’s team were unavailable for comments.

Reagan Remembered

ENFIELD, Connecticut – The director of postal services has released a memo saying the postal services will be suspended on Friday in respect to the death of the ‘President’. I assume he is talking about the former president since the current one is still alive. The financial industry also comes to a standstill on Friday as the last rites for the former president is conducted in Washington DC. The former president will be dearly remembered for his crack down on social programs, escalating spending on defense, Iran-Contra scandal, demolishing the wall between church and state, arming the Taleban and for being buddies with Saddam Hussein.

Parliamentary Terminology 101 - Part 1

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In this new feature, we look at some of the important terminology used in legislative assemblies.

filibuster, noun: a. The use of obstructionist tactics, especially prolonged speechmaking, for the purpose of delaying legislative action. b. An instance of the use of this delaying tactic. Complete definition.

buster, noun: A form of address used in some democratic assemblies of the Westminster tradition to attract the attention of a fellow legislator before unleashing physical assault upon that person (i.e., punching their lights out). Considered to be an advanced and more effective form of filibuster, particularly when lacking a majority and used in conjunction with the removal and hiding of the mace.

Monkey in Compromising Position with Mace?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Commenting on the theft of the mace yesterday, Kahuna said it was obvious that the deputy monkey in question was suffering from penis envy and considered the mace to be a phallic object. Given that it was not recovered for several hours, it is quite likely that the monkey was having its way with the mace in private. Kahuna added that while, this is typical simian behavior, it could easily be corrected with a either a 21-gun salute (aimed appropriately) or a firing squad à la Saddam Hussein.

Who Let the Monkeys Out?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- [Quote] Suddenly, silence descended all round when a Member ran away with the Mace. After bolting from the Chamber, the MP is alleged to have had hidden the Mace. [End Quote] Full Story...

Circus Ready for Audioblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In highly disturbing breaking news, Blogger and Listenlab have launched audioblogging allowing audio posts be be blogged through the holy public switched telephone network.

Setup your Audioblogger account and call 1-661-716-BLOG. May the voice be with you.

Gordon in Cuba for Secret Talks

Gordon poses with Castro and Arafat after talks at the Palace of the Revolution in Havana

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- News leaked from the Cuban capital earlier today has bared secret talks between Cuban President Fidel Castro Ruz and crackpot inventor Professor Gordon. Sources wishing to remain anonymous divulged that Castro had offered Gordon the post of Chief Scientist, with a mandate to build a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor.

Experts were quick to caution the move saying that, while Gordon had an explosive history with polarity-reversed capacitors, his mechanical aptitude was untested with internal combustion engines. "This whole thing could blow up," they warned adding that a Cuban Carburetor Crisis could be brewing.

Gordon was last seen in the hills of Sri Lanka attempting to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path around the faculty buildings at the Peradeniya University. This plan had apparently been foiled by the Vice Chancellor's Gardener when he had cleverly diverted Gordon into a lily pond.

It was not immediately clear if Gordon had accepted the job, although, he did pose for a sketch with Castro and visiting Palestinian President Yassar Arafat. Arafat's visit was not believed to be linked to the carburetor agenda.

When accosted, Gordon refused comment, but did say he was visiting Santiago de Cuba for a vacation. A spokesman for President Castro vehemently denied the report and blamed it on a negative publicity campaign launched by Cuban dissidents in Miami.

Vandoofus Crash Again but Invited to Fly SpaceShipOne

Skylark Airport, CT – The second attempt at getting the Vandoofus Airlines off the ground, sadly, ended in yet another spectacular crash. This time the plane took off without an incident and flew for a few minutes over the airport field and above a car park. The pilot managed to keep the plane in control until a gust of wind threw the aircraft off course right above a group trees. In a desperate attempt to get back to the course, the pilot reduced power and made a sharp turn. This caused the aircraft to stall and fall on top of the trees. The entangled plane had to be recovered by a Turkish salvage company. No injuries were reported and the aircraft sustained no damage. Meanwhile a spokesmen for Paul Allen said, the SpaceShipOne is considering asking Vandoofus to pilot its first flight to space schedule for July. SpaceShipOne will be the first commercial spaceship to fly out of the atmosphere which is expected to win the X price reserved for the team that first build and launch a spaceship privately that is able to carry three people to an altitude of 100km, return safely to earth and repeat the trip in 2 weeks. Burt Rutan, aviation technologist and the head of the SpaceShipOne team said despite NTSB investigations on Vandoofus after his aircraft crashed a couple of times this month, he sees no one else qualified or skillful at this stage to carry out the experimental flight. Vandoofus who has returned from Gastonia, NC, after attending his friend’s wedding, was not available for comments.

FRC Commends the Circus

COLOMBO, Sri-Lanka -- Former Reference Clown (FRC) Cl.Catbert issued a statement over the weekend praising The Circus Blog as a source of high quality literary works.

The articles were declared to be of high news value and deemed outstanding literary creations. Cl.Catbert will no doubt be a frequent subscriber to the posts.

For reasons of Referential Integrity, the prestigious office of Reference Clown (RC) is now held by a much larger clown than Cl.Catbert. Readers interested in further details are referred to the International Standards Organization (ISO) who announced the changeover several years ago.

False Prophet Plunged into Darkness

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Greater Kendaliyaddapaluwa was plunged into darkness Saturday due to inclement weather. Initial reports from the region suggest that the False Prophet El Gordo was not responsible for the crisis. The Regional One of the Ceylon [Electricity] Board took a decidedly Newtonian view and explained the technical reasons behind the debacle saying "maha line eka wetila." He did not reveal any immediate plans to pick it up. Electricity was restored Sunday, minutes after the Monster reported the situation to Kahuna.

The Monster Celebrates 24th Birthday

WORLD TRADE CENTER, Sri Lanka -- The Monster was made to (i.e., forcibly) celebrate his 24^th birthday today at the World Trade Centre, thanks to a elaborate plot hatched by his former partners in crime and the villainous El Gordo. The Monster was lured to the premises of the Bogusan Empire on the 15^th floor of the West Tower by El Gordo on the pretext of an unholy video-conference while the rest of the conspirators lurked at the Deli Market on the podium block. The plot was confounded by a) the poor organizing skills of El Gordo; b) the Monster deciding to work late; c) the inability to herd cats; and d) a non-cooperative bear. Kahuna's NB-complete nature was required to salvage the situation.

After several botched attempts, the Monster was greeted at the doors of the descending elevator by none other than Kahuna armed with a specially-designed party hat. Needless to say, the Monster was highly disturbed by the personal appearance of Kahuna, party hat notwithstanding (several innocent elevator users were also disturbed by Kahuna lying in wait). The victim was then forced to wear the hat and escorted to the premises of the Deli Market, where he was set upon by the aforementioned bear, suspected to have been in heat at the time. The Monster was seen hugging and kissing the bear, much to the disturbance of bystanders, but in well in line with his fetishes.

Gifts unveiled after the meal included a hand-puppet in the form of a monkey, a tee-shirt indicating that the wearer was the Chosen One (for alien abduction, that is) and a bikini several sizes too small. The Monster was seen exiting the WTC premises with the bikini in hand after the close of festivities.

Monstrous Fetish Exposed!

The Monster examines the business end of Pumbaa

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In latest developments, the sordid soft-toy fetishes of the Monster have finally been exposed to the unsuspecting general public. Secret footage captured shows the Monster examining the rear-end of Pumbaa prior to what an eye-witness called "an orgy that would have been decadent even by Roman standards."

When contacted for his views, Kahuna said "There's more where that came from." The monster, however, was not available for comment.

Kahuna’s Voyeur Fetish Revealed!

KOTMALE, Sri Lanka -- The Kotmale Nature Photographers Association (KNPA) recently released a gruesome capture of the Kahuna that was incidentally taken during his recent expedition to the cattle fields of Kotmale. This visit was initially assumed to aid in validating the consensual aspect of bestiality by means of experimentation on cows, however from recent photographic findings it is evident that the so called Big Kahuna had a hidden agenda of his own. Click here for previous articles...

Sources also tell us that The Jerry Springer's show is to feature “Kahuna” on their next episode for they aim to “boldly go where no show has gone before”, Click here for more details...

NTSB Hearing Ends in Chaos

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The NTSB hearing into the Vandoofus Airlines crash ended in disarray today amidst serious allegations including:

1. Attempted Boeing 747 landings on aircraft carriers
   
2. Mysterious accidents on the Interstate
   
3. Schizophrenia and flying while intoxicated
   
4. Erectile dysfunction and a Viagra-induced orgy in the cockpit leading to mistaken flight controls (the stick in particular) at the time of the crash
   
5. Use of kitchen implements (a butter knife) for engine repairs (crankshaft replacement)
   
6. Use of a wooden foot ruler as a splint to keep the main wing stabilized
   
7. Forming dummy companies to evade tax, and
   
8. Attempting to obtain a Tupolev TU-144 through non-standard means.

The Pilot was also accused of attempting to sleep around with members of the NTSB investigation panel, and has been declared a land, air and maritime hazard and permanently grounded.

Allied Pilots Association Defends Vandoofus Airlines’ Pilot

Fort Worth, TX – An Allied Pilots Association press release reported that the association believes the Vandoofus Airlines crash was caused by a faulty navigation system and a defective main wing. The association also commended the pilot for doing an excellent job under the circumstances. The pilot’s maneuvers, the press release added, minimized the damage to the aircraft and prevented any casualty on the ground. Meanwhile, a spokesmen for Vandoofus Airlines said the company is disappointed with the out come of its first ever flight but said they are happy the incident did not cause any injuries to the pilot or anyone on the ground. The aircraft has already been repaired by the Vandoofus Engineers and is almost flight-ready. The aircraft’s crank shaft and the propeller was replaced and the engineers are awaiting a new main wing. The spokesmen said the airline is expected to resume schedule flights this week and is negotiating with NTSB officials to lift the flight ban on Vandoofus Airlines. The NTSB is expected to lift the restriction on Vandoofus Airlines once the aircraft is fitted with NTSB approved components. The pilot, who is on vacation in Gastonia, North Carolina, is expected to carry out the first test flight after the only aircraft of the Vandoofus Airline fleet has been repaired.

NTSB Grounds Vandoofus Airlines

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) grounded Vandoofus Airlines and launched an immediate investigation into the crash of its sole aircraft, Tuesday. Critics ridiculed this action stating that they were grounded without their only aircraft, anyway.

A spokesman for the NTSB Northeast Regional Office in Parsippany said that initial reports suggest that the aircraft was operating outside its performance envelope given the nature of the structural damage to the main wing. Stay tuned for this developing story.

Vandoofus Airlines Crash on First Flight

Damaged aircraft is expected to be repaired and flight-ready in days.

Skylark Airport, CT - Vandoofus Airlines which started service today crashed on its maiden flight. (Also on it’s second and third flights) The final, and the most successful flight was almost 10 seconds long and the aircraft is believed to have reached speeds up to 50 mph during the ill-fated final flight. The aircraft also reached an altitude of about 100 feet before the pilot declared emergency after loosing control of the aircraft. The black box which was later recovered at the crash site indicated the pilot cut off the power in mid-flight to avoid the aircraft from crashing to a building next to the airfield. The sudden loss of thrust resulting from this maneuver is attributed to the severe damage main wing of the aircraft received which ultimately caused the aircraft to free-fall to the muddy surrounding of the airfield. Reports from the airfield indicate that there were no injuries and the pilot was rescued from the crash site immediately after the crash. Spokesperson for vandoofus Airlines said the aircraft will be repaired and ready for test flights as early as this weekend.

El Gordo in Plumbing Disaster, Bungles Spy Mission

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a strongly-worded statement issued yesterday, Kahuna denied allegations of being involved in the moonshine business and accused the False Prophet aka El Gordo of industrial espionage. El Gordo infiltrated the premises on Sunday disguised as an agricultural expert and asked to see Kahuna's high-tech greenhouse complex. The greenhouses were between harvest cycles at the time and hence devoid of vegetation for good reason.

The agriculturist seemed unduly interested in the sophisticated array of level-triggered switches and pumps used in the complex. Suspicions were raised, however, when it transpired that the so-called expert was ignorant of the fertilization methods of tomatoes and bell peppers. The guard-dogs were released immediately to deal with the situation, but the impostors legged it and escaped before Kahuna could scramble the flying attack-porcupines. No mosquitoes, were involved in the attack although, a passing swarm expressed brief interest in the portly one.

Subsequent investigations have revealed the rationale behind the espionage mission. It has come to light that El Gordo had burned out his water pump as the water level of his well had dropped below the pump intake. Hence the interest in Kahuna's sophisticated technology including, but not limited to mercury-weighted float-switches and sprinkler systems of Israeli origin.

Kahuna promised swift retaliation, noting that the impostor's vehicle had been duly marked by His guard dogs and could now be targeted by His advanced ballistic missile system.

"Kahuna" Distilling Hooch

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A suprise raid conducted by The Real Kahuna on "Kahuna"'s premises yesterday uncovered a covert facility for the distilling of illicit liquor. The raid was conducted following the indication of a high level of activity on the spy satellite that monitors the compound. Initial suspicions were that "Kahuna" was building a "dirty" bomb despite numerous parties suggesting that his capabilities were far more limited.

The entire facility was deviously disguised as a cucumber-growing operation. However the lack of any form of vegetation in the "greenhouse" led to suspicion that there was more to the operation than met the eye.

Investigations at the hidden end of the 'greenhouse' revealed an elaborate system of tanks, pumps, filters and automated switches used for the distilling process. Attempts were made to photograph the equipment only to be met with a swarm of killer mosquitoes and guard-dogs who promptly drove us out of the premises.

It is unknown what the output of the brewery is. Although queries were made about maximum throughput, "Kahuna" refused to divulge any information. "Kahuna"'s dazed appearance at the time of the raid let to (as yet unconfirmed) speculation that he had been sampling the goods just a short while earlier.

Reference Pizza Announced

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In a press release issued today, Kahuna hailed a decision by Italy to unveil the Reference Pizza. Reminiscing on disastrous pizza experiences at numerous restaurants, He said that it was about time action was taken to delete bogus pizza joints from the surface of the planet.

Locations known to have offered bad Pizza are Itza Pizza (the pizza machine broke down when customers ordered pizza), Latin Lizard (new name, same old pizza machine), the Pizzeria (required power-tools to cut the pizza and plates with brakes to prevent them from sliding around in the ambiance of force 6 winds) and of course the esteemed Pizza Hut franchise, where the most bogus pizza on the planet can be found.

In what was considered the last straw, Kahuna blacklisted Pizza Hut by an edict dated 19th January 2004:

I'm forced to issue this advisory after having the most bogus pizza on the planet at messers Pizza Hut. The seafood did not taste of anything having spent time in the sea and the chicken seemed to be more cheese than anything else. In fact the food matched the decor quite well in lack of taste. An autonomous fly buzzing around did not help matters either. Due to the above-mentioned facts, I'm hereby declaring Pizza Hut B-complete. This establishment is now black-listed.

If anyone dares to question this order, I will send a team of Menehune to deal with them.

By Order of Kahuna
[Temporarily operating from the Palace of the Revolution, Havana, Cuba]

The complete story on Pizza standards reported by CNN is below:

Friday, May 28, 2004 Posted: 0240 GMT (1040 HKT)

ROME, Italy (AP) -- Pizza-makers beware: Italy has issued strict guidelines to protect the real Napoletana pizza from bogus copies. The regulations touch on everything from size to ingredients to the type of oven -- and rule-abiding restaurants will receive a special label attesting that real pizza can be eaten there.

The rules, issued by the Agriculture Ministry, are part of Italy's efforts to protect its cuisine across the European Union, although it was not immediately clear what steps would be taken for enforcement.

The guidelines, eight articles printed Tuesday in the country's Official Gazette, rule that real Napoletana pizza must be round, no more than 35 centimeters (14 inches) in diameter, no thicker than 0.3 centimeters (0.1 inches) in the middle and with a crust of about 2 centimeters (0.8 inches).

"The texture must be soft, elastic, easily foldable," the guidelines say.

The norms also specify what kind of flour, yeast, tomatoes and oil must be used. They recognize only three types of real Neapolitan pizza: Marinara, with garlic and oregano; Margherita, with basil and mozzarella cheese from the southern Apennines; and extra-Margherita, with fresh tomatoes, basil and buffalo mozzarella from Campania, the region that includes pizza's hometown, Naples.

The dough must be rolled out manually and baked in wood-burning ovens that can reach the required temperature of 485 Celsius (905 Fahrenheit).

The regulations were approved after surveying pizza-makers in Naples and surrounding areas. Restaurants that abide by the rules will get a label saying their pizza is a "guaranteed traditional specialty."

"These norms protect one of the most ancient and most important gastronomic traditions," said Antonio Pace, owner of one of Naples' oldest pizza restaurants and the president of a pizza-makers' association.

"We don't want the others not to make pizza, only we want them to make it as we make it -- as it should be done," he said Wednesday.

The ANSA news agency estimated that of 23,000 pizza restaurants in Italy -- which make 56 million pizzas each week -- about 200 would seek the certification immediately.

But Pace said he expects the vast majority of restaurants will adhere to the rules to get the label.

Financial daily Il Sole 24 Ore, which like many other Italian newspapers devoted a front-page story Wednesday to the pizza rules, described the move as "an act of love, but a desperate one."

"Pizza is now a stateless, boundless, flag-less food," it said.

Kahuna Launches Photoblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Hot on the heels of syndication, Kahuna has launched photoblogging for the Circus. Images can now be blogged directly to the Circus using Picasa's Hello software. Kahuna, regarded as a photographic menace, has declared this technology to be NB-complete.


Kahuna's experiments with slow shutter speeds using a Sony DSC-V1 (capable of subtracting the Holy Dark Frame) can be seen above. Posted by Hello

El Gordo Spotted in the Hills

PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of El Gordo have been reported from this sleepy university town nestled in the hills of Sri Lanka. A person matching the de Broglie transform of El Gordo and identifying himself as Professor Gordon has been seen roaming the hallowed grounds of the university.

An eye-witness said that the bespectacled Gordon was clad in a white tee-shirt and "trying hard to look academic" as he traversed the faculty buildings in what was apparently a Hamiltonian circuit. Experts were at a loss to explain this behavior, but mused that finding such a circuit was an NP-complete problem, suggesting that more Gordon sightings were likely.

Attempts to contact the Vice Chancellor were unsuccessful, but his Gardner made a statement that given Gordon's considerable mass, he may be attempting to tip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path. The Head of the Department of Mathematics, however, dismissed this idea as "ludicrous" and added that "We're all being taken up the garden path!" When asked if this path was also Hamiltonian, he turned a deep shade of purple and ended the interview abruptly with a series of wild hand gestures. Professor Gordon could not be located for comment.

El Gordo in Illegal Mining Bid

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Arch-villain El Gordo now known as the Patient, has been confined to his rural hideout once more due to a severe case of respiratory illness. A high-profile falling out with the Bacteria Congress over a botched attempt to incapacitate Kahuna is thought to be behind this latest bout of bronchial bogosity.

The report filed earlier today also indicated that the Patient has utilized the Inter-Cough Gap (ICG) to unveil the Ganemulla Institute of Technology (GIT), better known as Galtech. Although, the purpose of the institute was not immediately clear, sources indicated that the Patient was engaged in illegal quarrying and possibly mining bauxite in an attempt to cash in on the soaring aluminium futures market.

Monkey Business Exposed

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Reporting on the continuing drama of the Temple of the Monkey, the Daily Bogon, regarded as the New York Times of the East, spake thus:

There was high drama on the eve of the election of a Deputy Speaker of Parliament today when Jathika Hela Urumaya MP Ven. Kathaluwe Rathanasara Thera who voted with the Government during the election of the Speaker on April 22 was mercilessly beaten up dragged out of his temple and abducted by a gang of six monks at Rawathawatta, Moratuwa last night.

Although, the fundamental components of the Temple of the Monkey were believed to be monks and monkeys (by the Monster's First Law) it has now come to light that the monks are indeed a hitherto undiscovered species of primate, distinct from and subordinate to Macaca sinica. The monkey, it appears is a far more evolved cousin of the monk, given publicly demonstrated instances of behavior.

In related developments, the collective noun for a group of monks was declared to be a gang.

Kahuna Syndicates the Circus

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In ground-breaking developments, Kahuna today announced the syndication of the Circus blog in partnership with Blogger, FeedBurner and Yahoo.

Under the new arrangement, Blogspot will provide an Atom feed of the Circus at the Site Feed URL, enabling any Atom client direct access to the blog.

The Atom feed will also be extracted by FeedBurner and republished in Really Simple Syndication (RSS) format allowing a multitude of clients seamless access to the blog.

Subscribe to the Circus feed through My Yahoo:


The RSS feed is available at:


Experts believe this latest development is part of Kahuna's aggressive strategy to consolidate his position and vanquish the dastardly master criminal El Gordo. When pressed for a comment, Kahuna responded with a hearty "BUWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Vandoofus Work Sloppy, Charges Kahuna

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In late-breaking news, Kahuna accused Vandoofus Technology Services of sloppy ad-concealment work, stating that His personal intervention became necessary to clean up the blog template. Sources close to Kahuna remarked that "They couldn't even get the color right and a little bit of the ad was sticking out."

Bauxite Demand Soars Amidst El Gordo Controversy

LONDON, United Kingdom -- The International Aluminium Institute today revealed an unexpected surge in bauxite demand due to primary aluminium production being driven to record highs.

Industry analysts suspected that this was a consequence of master criminal El Gordo’s attempts at world domination being foiled once again yesterday. A spokesperson for the Institute said that El Gordo should be thwarted more often adding that “It’s good for the foil business.”

However, a highly placed industry source disagreed, saying that the bumper harvest of Idaho potatoes and Kahuna’s cheese and potato food festival was more likely the root cause behind surging demand, as consumers scrambled to bake potatoes in their jackets.

The aluminium futures markets rallied strongly at midday and Kahuna, suspected to have extensive investments in bauxite mines, was widely expected to make a killing.

Kahuna Seeking to Increase Size

KAHUNAVILLE, NC - To compensate for the poor quality of the blog’s substance by its main contributor, Kahuna has invested heavily on improving its look-and-feel in a desperate attempt to increase the blog’s membership size. Thanks to Google’s new templates along with the new features, Kahuna has managed to give the blog a whole new life. The ugly green splattered all over your monitor among a hideous dark blue gives the blog a new feel. Its new features such as being able to blog via mail and having the ability to comment on the postings are attractive to the users and I am certain will be used extensively. However, we are yet to see if there will be a significant increasing in the participation or the size of the membership.

El Gordo Indisposed

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Monstrous sources revealed that the False Prophet was confined to his rural hideout due to a some species of infection of the lower respiratory tract. Pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline has been implicated in providing life-support services.

Hidden Hand Revealed Behind Breakthrough in El Gordo Case

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In an unexpected twist to the El Gordo affair, it was revealed that the hidden (and presumably gloved) hand of latex magnate Maximillian Bartus was behind the uncovering of El Gordo's plans for world domination. Sources speaking on the condition of anonymity said that a long-running feud between Bartus and El Gordo was responsible for this latest turn of events. When contacted, the gloved one denied involvement and said his lips were sealed. El Gordo was leading the FBI in a high-speed car chase across state lines without hands-free capability and declined comment.

Circus Re-launched!

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking news, the Circus has been given a re-launch using the latest technology from Blogger.com. It should be noted that some elements in the Bogusan Empire objected to the use of the color green in a previous template, raising questions in pachydermal circles.

FBI Manhunt for El Gordo - Scheme for World Domination Exposed

REDWOOD SHORES, Republic of California -- The FBI issued an APB for the fugitive known as El Gordo (aka the False Prophet, Real Kahuna, Softie) late yesterday, when it was discovered that El Gordo had ties to an international shipping scandal.

The covert operation, which could signal the swansong of courier giants Federal Express (NYSE:FDX), involved the random routing of packages back and forth between FedEx locations, in an attempt to interfere with the planet's orbit.

In a stakeout of a FedEx regional office in Southern California yesterday, which resulted in the capture of two Illegal Mexicans, a cache of polarity-reversed capacitors and a blow-up sex doll, FBI investigators found evidence that led back to El Gordo's rural hideout in Sri Lanka.

Apparently the criminal mastermind had devised a dastardly scheme whereby incorrectly addressed packages would be dispatched via FedEx, thus causing a recursive rerouting of said packages between various FedEx shipping locations. FBI analysts believe that if the number of such malicious packages inserted into the system reach a specific threshold value, the planet's orbit could be severely impacted, thereby causing a global catastrophe.

In a press conference later in the day, the FBI released a FedEx Routing Slip which was associated with one such package.

The contents of the packages are as yet undetermined, but it is believed that the blow-up doll was contained in one of the malicious packages.

Criminal experts speculate that this latest move from the notorious Gordo is in line with his plans for world domination and the renaming of his rural hideout Kendaliyaddapaluwa, Ganemulla as the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

El Gordo was unavailable for comment, given his recent fugitive status following his escape from a New York State Penitentiary where he was being detained on unrelated charges of vandalism.

Kahuna Denies Allegations, Strikes Back

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a press release issued this morning, Kahuna categorically denied allegations of romantic interludes leveled by what he termed "malicious interests acting in concert." Adding that the allegations were vile, untruthful and completely baseless, Kahuna promised to bring the perpetrators to an untimely end. In what was considered a strategic move related to recent events, Kahuna has struck a deal with LoudCloud and will be testifying for the plaintiff in the sordid matter of LoudCloud v. Vandoofus. Vandoofus stands charged with promiscuous blogging in what is widely expected to be a long-drawn legal challenge. Legal experts cautioned that this latest move would be a blow considering Kahuna's knowledge of Vandoofus's [use of apostrophe approved by Strunk & White] reputedly colorful past. They added that Kahuna could indeed rock the boat and cause chaos. Vandoofus was holed-up with his legal team and was not reachable for comment.

The Words of the Prophets are Written on the Subway Walls?

MANHATTAN, New York -- An unidentified man calling himself the "Real Kahuna," was taken into custody last night by officers of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) on charges of loitering about 34th Street-Penn Station and defacing the premises with a can of spray paint. The so-called "Real Kahuna" insisted that he was fully justified in his actions adding that the words of the prophets were allegedly written on the subway walls. Officers of the MTA apparently refused to right-justify his beliefs and locked up the perpetrator pending a court appearance later today. The can of paint has been confiscated to prevent any further prophecies manifesting themselves. A spokesman for the MTA added that while the self-styled prophet's words were certainly profane, they were hardly profound and had no serious literary merit. Attempts to reach Paul Simon have been unsuccessful.

Kahuna admits to relationship

AP BREAKING NEWS, Colombo, Sri Lanka - In subsequent developments, Kahuna has admitted to the relationship with the female subject and has divulged her name. But for security reasons, - that is for the safety of the author – her name will remain unpublished.

Kahuna in a relationship?

AP-Colombo, Sri Lanka - Rumors have emerged that the Supreme command di-Area, carried out a secret rendezvous with a subject whom he has known since the days of his tertiary education. Despite the fact the subject was a female, It is possible that Kahuna may be in apparent relationship which could be romantic in nature. Although the rumors have been circulating for a number of years, these have become more frequent and informative over the last few days. A close acquaintance of both and Kahuna and the female perpetrator told AP in condition of anonymity, that the two have been meeting in locations around the city. According to unreliable witnesses the two were seen in compromising positions what would be generally regarded as uncharacteristic of Kahuna who spends most of his time conducting scientific experiments on animals.

Kahuna and the subject in question did not immediately return calls requesting further clarification and Kahuna has divulged little or no information on his blog site.

False Prophet Exiled

BOGUSAN EMPIRE, Colombo -- In a press release issued today, the subhuman resources division of the Bogusan Empire declared that the False Prophet aka El Gordo has been exiled to the 15th floor of World Trade Center with immediate effect. This latest move comes amidst collapsing ceilings and security concerns at the headquarters of the Empire. Sources familiar with the move said that the floor of the tower had been specifically reinforced to bear the considerable mass of the new occupant. Structural analysts criticized the move on grounds of shear weight and proposed a counter-balance consisting of the Goodyear Blimp. El Gordo responded with a "Bah!" in what was apparently C minor when pressed for a comment.

Sony's Talking Wonderbot

MANHATTAN, New York - When a Robot stands outside the NY tech center of one of the biggest electronic manufacturing conglomerates, you expect it to be … well, a robot. You would think it would be packed with semiconductor technology perhaps running artificial software with ability to respond and interact to simple external inputs. But not only did the dim-witted piece of machinery lack the sophistication of Asimo and the other futuristic humanoid robots but was also a fake. It also looked more like the colonel Sanders with the head replaced with a coconut. But despite its hideous appearance one would still expect the silly looking contraption to be a real robot capable of constructing a few words on it's own that would make it appear intelligent. It was with deep disappointment I discovered it was in fact a man inside a room with a set of cameras, a mic and a cheat sheet. One would expect more from Sony! Doesn't Sony make calculators? The man couldn’t even do simple division. Wonder what is inside my Sony digital camera? A high school dropout?

Vandoofus Technology Services Nets Deal

HARTFORD, Disputed Territories of Connecticut -- In late-breaking news, Vandoofus Technology Services Inc., have won a multi-million mega-buck deal to provide ad-concealing technology to the Circus. Banner ads will not be visible with immediate effect. While the precise terms of the arrangement have not been made public, industry insiders spoke of rumors involving a bumper harvest of potatoes and a shipment of Gorgonzola. A spokesperson for Vandoofus Technology Services refused to comment on these speculations, but added that they were indeed a big cheese. In related developments, titles have also been enabled for posts. May the farce be with us!

False Prophet a Charlatan, Says Kahuna

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- El Profeta Falso aka "Real Kahuna" has proven to be a charlatan without access to even the Weather Channel. The False Prophet has now begun calling the general public in different parts of the island to determine if it is raining in the locality. A tropical storm has been diverted to Kendaliyaddapaluwa to dispatch the public nuisance. He won't see it coming. Heh heh heh...

Vandoofus Charged with Promiscuous Blogging

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- The supreme command of the LoudCloud Blog today filed charges of promiscuous blogging against Vandoofus. It was alleged that Vandoofus spent excessive time on other blogs, thus seriously compromising his fiduciary responsibilities to LoudCloud. Stay tuned for further developments.

False Prophet Causes Highway Pile-up

PELIYAGODA, Sri Lanka -- Police sources revealed today that the False Prophet was responsible for a three car pile-up that caused traffic chaos for hours on the main highway last week. The incident was quickly hushed up at the time and came to light only today. It is alleged the False Prophet rear-ended a vehicle at speed, causing it to slam into the vehicle in front. The Sri Lanka Police, acting in a non-bogus manner have confiscated the driver's license of the False Prophet and it is now believed that he will be hauled before a court of law on charges of reckless driving and poor understanding of Newton's laws of motion. Sources close to the so-called "Real Kahuna," have revealed that he is now driving around without a license in contravention of the highway code.

AP-KOTMALE, Sri Lanka - Breaking news coming to us from news sources in Kotmale area indicate that Kahuna has been involved in a unfortunate incident involving a fairly large bull. While on his expedition to Kotmale to research the bestiality between man and cow, Kahuna was reported attacked by the bull and have sustained injury. Kahuna is, however, in fair condition recovering at a nearby hospital. The circumstances of the accident are still sketchy and we will bring you more details as they are available. According to witnesses, Kahuna was wearing the black and white suit he was reported seen wearing earlier and a pair of bull horns. In a press briefing after the incident, a spokensman for Kahuna said he would continue his study on dogs after his return to Colombo. However, the spoksman added, he could not speculate when Kahuna will be well enough to travel back to Colombo.