Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) Fails Wind Tunnel Test

File photos of GITT with air-brakes fully extended (Copyright © 2004 The Monster)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka --– In late-breaking news, the notorious Professor Gordon was implicated in a collision with a stationary object on St Michael's Road while attempting a risky air-braking maneuver in his automobile.

Experts believe that Gordon was attempting to use St Michael's Road as a wind tunnel to test the air-braking capability of his latest vehicle, the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) by simultaneously opening all four doors. However, disaster struck during the test when an unexpected force 7 wind gusting from the Indian Ocean rammed the vehicle into a nearby lamppost at high velocity causing some damage to the non-molecularly-bonded shell. It appears that Gordon's air-brakes provided additional lift instead of drag at the crucial moment. Scientists from NASA'’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, CA suggested that Gordon should have been prepared to fire the retro-rockets to avoid a collision.

Critics scoffed at Gordon'’s experiments and pointed out that air-braking capability was available to one Michael Knight in later models of the Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT) several decades ago. They also added that KITT did not usually run into lampposts. A spokesperson for the Foundation for Law and Government (FLAG) refused to be drawn into the controversy, but stated that Gordon’'s shady past was the subject of a recent investigation involving a missing shipment of capacitors.

Speaking to reporters shortly after the incident, Gordon said it was a minor mishap caused by unusual weather conditions and added that he believed the hidden hand of Kahuna was behind the accident. Responding to allegations, Kahuna denied any involvement in the accident stating that his able minions usually attended to matters of weather and climate. He also denied any falling out with Gordon over the naming of the recently founded Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language. Reliable sources, nevertheless maintained that Gordon had expressed great displeasure on Kahuna’s name appearing first in the name of the institute.

The Monster, Ganemulla Bureau Chief of the Kahuna News Network (KNN) also contributed to this post by obtaining photographic evidence of Gordon's automobile being tested at his no-longer secret hideout in rural Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza: The Math Behind the Pizza

TROY, New York -- In His continuing research on pizza, Kahuna has unearthed Paul Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza originally published here in the Project Galactic Guide, August AD 1994.

While Paul Clegg is more commonly known for his work with Project Galactic Guide, what is not so commonly known is his work with the Grand Unification Theory.

The Grand Unification Theory, that is, of Delivered Pizza.

One particularly boring weekend, while gaming with some friends in the basement of one of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's lecture halls, one of Paul's friends had some pizza delivered. Upon receipt of the pizza, which was, apparently, on time but late as usual, Paul noted their response to the temperature of the pizza.

"It's not very hot," they said. Almost immediately, the clockworkings of Paul's brain, dusty though they were, set into motion, pondering the mathematics behind the delivered pizza.

"Is it any good?" Paul asked. And in reply, his friend, with a mouth full of not-quite-hot pizza, mumbled an unexcited affirmation.

Paul then thought that perhaps the quality of a pizza was somehow related to the temperature of the pizza. He also then theorized that the warmth of the pizza was, of course, indirectly proportional to the time it took for the pizza to arrive.

This set down the framework for one of the basic principles and formulas for determining the quality of a delivered pizza. In recognition for his brilliant discoveries in the field of Pizza Delivery Mathematics, the entire team of researchers working in the field named the unit of measure for pizza quality the "Clegg." Eventually, the quality equation was filled out to a more robust form, as shown below:

                             P T

                       Q = -------

                           t (1+I)

Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Cleggs, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end.

I is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. I takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, and the scale has been named "The Toigo Scale," in honor of the man who added it to the equation, Mark Toigo, a chemical engineer at RPI. To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit.

An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Cleggs, with a price of about $12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Toigo Scale.

Amazed with this initial discovery, Paul and his compatriots, who may, or may not, have included Mark Toigo, Sam Blue, Deb Atwood, Kevin Allen, Shawn Havranek, Nigel Westlake, and Brian Moore, set out to derive some more mathematical truths behind delivered pizza. What you'll find below is a somewhat disjointed collection of the more important findings made on that glorious night.

1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation:

             Beta

         t = ----

              D



         Where Beta is a constant in m * s.

2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg):

                      P(avg) T(avg) Alpha

          lifetime = ---------------------

                             Q(avg)

Check the units. They work out.

3. The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza.

4. Shawn's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza.

5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity.

6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "Debs," and R_c is the "Deb Constant."

                                    R

                                     c

                         f       = -----

                          cheese   sauce

7. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation:

            (sum(leftturns)-sum(rightturns)mv

thickness = ----------------------------------

                     f       m       a    R

                      cheese  cheese  car

8. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly.

9. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a Domino's Pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver.

9a. Corollary to the Blue Effect: A Domino's Pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time.

9b. Corollary to the Corollary: The average police response time is much much much greater than the response time of a Troy Ambulance.

10. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120.

11. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to:

                        2

                       n

                      e

12. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant.

Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws.

There, it's a lot clearer now.

Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101)

ROSS ICE SHELF, Antarctica -- In unexpected developments, Professor Gordon and Kahuna have conspired to unleash Absolute Buffoonery (AB) upon the general public by founding the Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language.

Headquartered in picturesque Antarctica overlooking the Ross Sea, the vision of new institute is to completely bogotify language as we know it. To prove their point, the menaces to society have unveiled an excerpt of their Translation Look-aside Buffer (TLB) for the native tongue:

BASIC (Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code) = puhunukaruwan udesaa woo bahu-prayojanawath sankethaathmaka upades deemey sangnaawa

C# = ul C

CSMA/CD (Carrier-Sense Multiple-Access/Collision Detection) = kriyaakaari maadya sanvedi bahu labaageneema/getum seweema

COBOL (Common Business Oriented Language) = bahulawa thibena vyaaparikayan udesaa woo baashawa

CLR (Common Language Runtime) = podu bhaasha duwanaya

DMZ (De-Militarized Zone) = yuda batayingen thora pradeshaya

DOS (Disk Operating System) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

DOS/VSE (Disk Operating System/Virtual Storage Extended) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/adbhootha lesa gabada digukarana lada

FC-AL (Fiber Channel Arbitrated Loop) = kendi naalikaa samatha vatarauma

Firewall = gini-thaappaya

FORTRAN (Formula Translation) = soothra pariwarthanaya

HACMP (High Availability Cluster Multi-Processing) = bahulawa labaagathaheki pokuru bahu-sekaseema

HAGEO (High Availability Geographic Cluster) = bahulawa labaagathaheki bhoogoleeya pokura

IBM (International Business Machines) = anthar-jaathika vyaaparika yanthra

OS (Operating System) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

OS/VS2/MVS (Operating System/Virtual Storage 2/Multiple Virtual Storage) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/deveni bhootha gabadawa/bahu bhootha gabadawa

PABX (Private Automatic Branch Exchange) = pudgalika swayankreeya athu huwamaaruwa

PL/SQL (Procedural Language/Structured Query Language) = kriyaa patipata baashawa/piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

SSA (Serial Storage Architecture) = polimaakara gabada gruha nirmaanaya

SCSI (Small Computer Systems Interface) = kudaa pariganaka padhdhathi muhunuwara

SQL (Structured Query Language) = piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

TCP/IP (Transmission Control Protocol/Internet Protocol) = vikaashana paalana piliwetha/antharjaala piliwetha

TLB (Translation Look-aside Buffer) = pariwarthanayedi ahakabalana bufferaya

Videoconferencing = veediyoe sammanthrana kereema

VM (Virtual Machine) = bhootha yanthraya

VM/CMS (Virtual Machine/Conversational Monitor System) = bhootha yanthraya/kathabas nirikshana padhdhathiya

VPN (Virtual Private Network) = bhootha pudgalika jaalaya

VPN Firewall = bhootha pudgalika jaala gini-thaappaya

In related news, the Surgeon General warned that excessive laughter may lead to shortness of breath and dizzy spells.

Catbert Ruffles Hair with Keyboard Styling Bid

LOS GATOS, California Republic -- Self-styled fashion mogul and Former Reference Clown Catbert rocked the fashion establishment last week by announcing his latest creation: keyboard styling. Denying he had melted half the keys on his notebook attempting to dry them with a hair dryer after a catastrophic beverage spill, Catbert touted them as the latest in fashion. Outraged fashion houses from Milan to New York demanded why Catbert required the use of a hair dryer and speculated if at all he knew how to operate one.

Initial indications from the Management Information Systems division of the Bogusan Empire suggested they were not pleased with Catbert's latest antics. The Head of the all-powerful division is reported to have offered Catbert a more ruggedized notebook in the form of a stone tablet and a chisel.

The Shiny-headed One was detained by Management Information Systems and not immediately available for comment.

The Dreamer's Desk

Geoffrey Bawa's desk looks out towards Sigiriya (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- The desk where the late master architect Geoffrey Bawa dreamed sits alone on the landing looking out towards Sigiriya.

Reflections in the Pond

Reflections in the pond at the eco-park (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna experiments with light and shadow at the eco-park with the sun almost directly overhead with an exposure of 1/200th of a second and an aperture of f/6.3. Other members of the expedition were consorting with reptiles at the time of this capture.

The Bell in Silhouette

Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel, captured against the western horizon a few hours before sunset using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP, 1/400th of a second exposure and an aperture of f/8. Several large clowns were observed ringing the bell at various times during the expedition.

Kahuna Returns to the Woods

KAHUNAVILLE, Connecticut (Formerly MA) - Spokesmen for Kahuna told Associate Press, that a team of behavioral science experts headed by Kahuna himself, the world renowned animal behavioral science expert famous for his research on cows, has successfully concluded an expedition to Kandalama. This is was first time Kahuna has returned to the field after bizarre accident in Kotmale involving a bull sent him to the hospital. The incident almost prompted Kahuna to give up all research on cows. This time, however, Kahuna and his team managed to conduct the experiments without an incident. Kahuna said the expedition was a success and that the findings will be published shortly. He acknowledged the support of his team members and added the research on animals was specially rewarding when conducted with his fellow researchers. Other members of Kahuna’s team were unavailable for comments.

Reagan Remembered

ENFIELD, Connecticut – The director of postal services has released a memo saying the postal services will be suspended on Friday in respect to the death of the ‘President’. I assume he is talking about the former president since the current one is still alive. The financial industry also comes to a standstill on Friday as the last rites for the former president is conducted in Washington DC. The former president will be dearly remembered for his crack down on social programs, escalating spending on defense, Iran-Contra scandal, demolishing the wall between church and state, arming the Taleban and for being buddies with Saddam Hussein.

Parliamentary Terminology 101 - Part 1

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In this new feature, we look at some of the important terminology used in legislative assemblies.

filibuster, noun: a. The use of obstructionist tactics, especially prolonged speechmaking, for the purpose of delaying legislative action. b. An instance of the use of this delaying tactic. Complete definition.

buster, noun: A form of address used in some democratic assemblies of the Westminster tradition to attract the attention of a fellow legislator before unleashing physical assault upon that person (i.e., punching their lights out). Considered to be an advanced and more effective form of filibuster, particularly when lacking a majority and used in conjunction with the removal and hiding of the mace.

Monkey in Compromising Position with Mace?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Commenting on the theft of the mace yesterday, Kahuna said it was obvious that the deputy monkey in question was suffering from penis envy and considered the mace to be a phallic object. Given that it was not recovered for several hours, it is quite likely that the monkey was having its way with the mace in private. Kahuna added that while, this is typical simian behavior, it could easily be corrected with a either a 21-gun salute (aimed appropriately) or a firing squad à la Saddam Hussein.

Who Let the Monkeys Out?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- [Quote] Suddenly, silence descended all round when a Member ran away with the Mace. After bolting from the Chamber, the MP is alleged to have had hidden the Mace. [End Quote] Full Story...

Circus Ready for Audioblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In highly disturbing breaking news, Blogger and Listenlab have launched audioblogging allowing audio posts be be blogged through the holy public switched telephone network.

Setup your Audioblogger account and call 1-661-716-BLOG. May the voice be with you.

Gordon in Cuba for Secret Talks

Gordon poses with Castro and Arafat after talks at the Palace of the Revolution in Havana

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- News leaked from the Cuban capital earlier today has bared secret talks between Cuban President Fidel Castro Ruz and crackpot inventor Professor Gordon. Sources wishing to remain anonymous divulged that Castro had offered Gordon the post of Chief Scientist, with a mandate to build a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor.

Experts were quick to caution the move saying that, while Gordon had an explosive history with polarity-reversed capacitors, his mechanical aptitude was untested with internal combustion engines. "This whole thing could blow up," they warned adding that a Cuban Carburetor Crisis could be brewing.

Gordon was last seen in the hills of Sri Lanka attempting to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path around the faculty buildings at the Peradeniya University. This plan had apparently been foiled by the Vice Chancellor's Gardener when he had cleverly diverted Gordon into a lily pond.

It was not immediately clear if Gordon had accepted the job, although, he did pose for a sketch with Castro and visiting Palestinian President Yassar Arafat. Arafat's visit was not believed to be linked to the carburetor agenda.

When accosted, Gordon refused comment, but did say he was visiting Santiago de Cuba for a vacation. A spokesman for President Castro vehemently denied the report and blamed it on a negative publicity campaign launched by Cuban dissidents in Miami.

Vandoofus Crash Again but Invited to Fly SpaceShipOne

Skylark Airport, CT – The second attempt at getting the Vandoofus Airlines off the ground, sadly, ended in yet another spectacular crash. This time the plane took off without an incident and flew for a few minutes over the airport field and above a car park. The pilot managed to keep the plane in control until a gust of wind threw the aircraft off course right above a group trees. In a desperate attempt to get back to the course, the pilot reduced power and made a sharp turn. This caused the aircraft to stall and fall on top of the trees. The entangled plane had to be recovered by a Turkish salvage company. No injuries were reported and the aircraft sustained no damage. Meanwhile a spokesmen for Paul Allen said, the SpaceShipOne is considering asking Vandoofus to pilot its first flight to space schedule for July. SpaceShipOne will be the first commercial spaceship to fly out of the atmosphere which is expected to win the X price reserved for the team that first build and launch a spaceship privately that is able to carry three people to an altitude of 100km, return safely to earth and repeat the trip in 2 weeks. Burt Rutan, aviation technologist and the head of the SpaceShipOne team said despite NTSB investigations on Vandoofus after his aircraft crashed a couple of times this month, he sees no one else qualified or skillful at this stage to carry out the experimental flight. Vandoofus who has returned from Gastonia, NC, after attending his friend’s wedding, was not available for comments.

FRC Commends the Circus

COLOMBO, Sri-Lanka -- Former Reference Clown (FRC) Cl.Catbert issued a statement over the weekend praising The Circus Blog as a source of high quality literary works.

The articles were declared to be of high news value and deemed outstanding literary creations. Cl.Catbert will no doubt be a frequent subscriber to the posts.

For reasons of Referential Integrity, the prestigious office of Reference Clown (RC) is now held by a much larger clown than Cl.Catbert. Readers interested in further details are referred to the International Standards Organization (ISO) who announced the changeover several years ago.

False Prophet Plunged into Darkness

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Greater Kendaliyaddapaluwa was plunged into darkness Saturday due to inclement weather. Initial reports from the region suggest that the False Prophet El Gordo was not responsible for the crisis. The Regional One of the Ceylon [Electricity] Board took a decidedly Newtonian view and explained the technical reasons behind the debacle saying "maha line eka wetila." He did not reveal any immediate plans to pick it up. Electricity was restored Sunday, minutes after the Monster reported the situation to Kahuna.

The Monster Celebrates 24th Birthday

WORLD TRADE CENTER, Sri Lanka -- The Monster was made to (i.e., forcibly) celebrate his 24^th birthday today at the World Trade Centre, thanks to a elaborate plot hatched by his former partners in crime and the villainous El Gordo. The Monster was lured to the premises of the Bogusan Empire on the 15^th floor of the West Tower by El Gordo on the pretext of an unholy video-conference while the rest of the conspirators lurked at the Deli Market on the podium block. The plot was confounded by a) the poor organizing skills of El Gordo; b) the Monster deciding to work late; c) the inability to herd cats; and d) a non-cooperative bear. Kahuna's NB-complete nature was required to salvage the situation.

After several botched attempts, the Monster was greeted at the doors of the descending elevator by none other than Kahuna armed with a specially-designed party hat. Needless to say, the Monster was highly disturbed by the personal appearance of Kahuna, party hat notwithstanding (several innocent elevator users were also disturbed by Kahuna lying in wait). The victim was then forced to wear the hat and escorted to the premises of the Deli Market, where he was set upon by the aforementioned bear, suspected to have been in heat at the time. The Monster was seen hugging and kissing the bear, much to the disturbance of bystanders, but in well in line with his fetishes.

Gifts unveiled after the meal included a hand-puppet in the form of a monkey, a tee-shirt indicating that the wearer was the Chosen One (for alien abduction, that is) and a bikini several sizes too small. The Monster was seen exiting the WTC premises with the bikini in hand after the close of festivities.

Monstrous Fetish Exposed!

The Monster examines the business end of Pumbaa

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In latest developments, the sordid soft-toy fetishes of the Monster have finally been exposed to the unsuspecting general public. Secret footage captured shows the Monster examining the rear-end of Pumbaa prior to what an eye-witness called "an orgy that would have been decadent even by Roman standards."

When contacted for his views, Kahuna said "There's more where that came from." The monster, however, was not available for comment.

Kahuna’s Voyeur Fetish Revealed!

KOTMALE, Sri Lanka -- The Kotmale Nature Photographers Association (KNPA) recently released a gruesome capture of the Kahuna that was incidentally taken during his recent expedition to the cattle fields of Kotmale. This visit was initially assumed to aid in validating the consensual aspect of bestiality by means of experimentation on cows, however from recent photographic findings it is evident that the so called Big Kahuna had a hidden agenda of his own. Click here for previous articles...

Sources also tell us that The Jerry Springer's show is to feature “Kahuna” on their next episode for they aim to “boldly go where no show has gone before”, Click here for more details...

NTSB Hearing Ends in Chaos

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The NTSB hearing into the Vandoofus Airlines crash ended in disarray today amidst serious allegations including:

1. Attempted Boeing 747 landings on aircraft carriers
   
2. Mysterious accidents on the Interstate
   
3. Schizophrenia and flying while intoxicated
   
4. Erectile dysfunction and a Viagra-induced orgy in the cockpit leading to mistaken flight controls (the stick in particular) at the time of the crash
   
5. Use of kitchen implements (a butter knife) for engine repairs (crankshaft replacement)
   
6. Use of a wooden foot ruler as a splint to keep the main wing stabilized
   
7. Forming dummy companies to evade tax, and
   
8. Attempting to obtain a Tupolev TU-144 through non-standard means.

The Pilot was also accused of attempting to sleep around with members of the NTSB investigation panel, and has been declared a land, air and maritime hazard and permanently grounded.

Allied Pilots Association Defends Vandoofus Airlines’ Pilot

Fort Worth, TX – An Allied Pilots Association press release reported that the association believes the Vandoofus Airlines crash was caused by a faulty navigation system and a defective main wing. The association also commended the pilot for doing an excellent job under the circumstances. The pilot’s maneuvers, the press release added, minimized the damage to the aircraft and prevented any casualty on the ground. Meanwhile, a spokesmen for Vandoofus Airlines said the company is disappointed with the out come of its first ever flight but said they are happy the incident did not cause any injuries to the pilot or anyone on the ground. The aircraft has already been repaired by the Vandoofus Engineers and is almost flight-ready. The aircraft’s crank shaft and the propeller was replaced and the engineers are awaiting a new main wing. The spokesmen said the airline is expected to resume schedule flights this week and is negotiating with NTSB officials to lift the flight ban on Vandoofus Airlines. The NTSB is expected to lift the restriction on Vandoofus Airlines once the aircraft is fitted with NTSB approved components. The pilot, who is on vacation in Gastonia, North Carolina, is expected to carry out the first test flight after the only aircraft of the Vandoofus Airline fleet has been repaired.

NTSB Grounds Vandoofus Airlines

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) grounded Vandoofus Airlines and launched an immediate investigation into the crash of its sole aircraft, Tuesday. Critics ridiculed this action stating that they were grounded without their only aircraft, anyway.

A spokesman for the NTSB Northeast Regional Office in Parsippany said that initial reports suggest that the aircraft was operating outside its performance envelope given the nature of the structural damage to the main wing. Stay tuned for this developing story.

Vandoofus Airlines Crash on First Flight

Damaged aircraft is expected to be repaired and flight-ready in days.

Skylark Airport, CT - Vandoofus Airlines which started service today crashed on its maiden flight. (Also on it’s second and third flights) The final, and the most successful flight was almost 10 seconds long and the aircraft is believed to have reached speeds up to 50 mph during the ill-fated final flight. The aircraft also reached an altitude of about 100 feet before the pilot declared emergency after loosing control of the aircraft. The black box which was later recovered at the crash site indicated the pilot cut off the power in mid-flight to avoid the aircraft from crashing to a building next to the airfield. The sudden loss of thrust resulting from this maneuver is attributed to the severe damage main wing of the aircraft received which ultimately caused the aircraft to free-fall to the muddy surrounding of the airfield. Reports from the airfield indicate that there were no injuries and the pilot was rescued from the crash site immediately after the crash. Spokesperson for vandoofus Airlines said the aircraft will be repaired and ready for test flights as early as this weekend.

El Gordo in Plumbing Disaster, Bungles Spy Mission

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a strongly-worded statement issued yesterday, Kahuna denied allegations of being involved in the moonshine business and accused the False Prophet aka El Gordo of industrial espionage. El Gordo infiltrated the premises on Sunday disguised as an agricultural expert and asked to see Kahuna's high-tech greenhouse complex. The greenhouses were between harvest cycles at the time and hence devoid of vegetation for good reason.

The agriculturist seemed unduly interested in the sophisticated array of level-triggered switches and pumps used in the complex. Suspicions were raised, however, when it transpired that the so-called expert was ignorant of the fertilization methods of tomatoes and bell peppers. The guard-dogs were released immediately to deal with the situation, but the impostors legged it and escaped before Kahuna could scramble the flying attack-porcupines. No mosquitoes, were involved in the attack although, a passing swarm expressed brief interest in the portly one.

Subsequent investigations have revealed the rationale behind the espionage mission. It has come to light that El Gordo had burned out his water pump as the water level of his well had dropped below the pump intake. Hence the interest in Kahuna's sophisticated technology including, but not limited to mercury-weighted float-switches and sprinkler systems of Israeli origin.

Kahuna promised swift retaliation, noting that the impostor's vehicle had been duly marked by His guard dogs and could now be targeted by His advanced ballistic missile system.

"Kahuna" Distilling Hooch

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A suprise raid conducted by The Real Kahuna on "Kahuna"'s premises yesterday uncovered a covert facility for the distilling of illicit liquor. The raid was conducted following the indication of a high level of activity on the spy satellite that monitors the compound. Initial suspicions were that "Kahuna" was building a "dirty" bomb despite numerous parties suggesting that his capabilities were far more limited.

The entire facility was deviously disguised as a cucumber-growing operation. However the lack of any form of vegetation in the "greenhouse" led to suspicion that there was more to the operation than met the eye.

Investigations at the hidden end of the 'greenhouse' revealed an elaborate system of tanks, pumps, filters and automated switches used for the distilling process. Attempts were made to photograph the equipment only to be met with a swarm of killer mosquitoes and guard-dogs who promptly drove us out of the premises.

It is unknown what the output of the brewery is. Although queries were made about maximum throughput, "Kahuna" refused to divulge any information. "Kahuna"'s dazed appearance at the time of the raid let to (as yet unconfirmed) speculation that he had been sampling the goods just a short while earlier.

Reference Pizza Announced

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In a press release issued today, Kahuna hailed a decision by Italy to unveil the Reference Pizza. Reminiscing on disastrous pizza experiences at numerous restaurants, He said that it was about time action was taken to delete bogus pizza joints from the surface of the planet.

Locations known to have offered bad Pizza are Itza Pizza (the pizza machine broke down when customers ordered pizza), Latin Lizard (new name, same old pizza machine), the Pizzeria (required power-tools to cut the pizza and plates with brakes to prevent them from sliding around in the ambiance of force 6 winds) and of course the esteemed Pizza Hut franchise, where the most bogus pizza on the planet can be found.

In what was considered the last straw, Kahuna blacklisted Pizza Hut by an edict dated 19th January 2004:

I'm forced to issue this advisory after having the most bogus pizza on the planet at messers Pizza Hut. The seafood did not taste of anything having spent time in the sea and the chicken seemed to be more cheese than anything else. In fact the food matched the decor quite well in lack of taste. An autonomous fly buzzing around did not help matters either. Due to the above-mentioned facts, I'm hereby declaring Pizza Hut B-complete. This establishment is now black-listed.

If anyone dares to question this order, I will send a team of Menehune to deal with them.

By Order of Kahuna
[Temporarily operating from the Palace of the Revolution, Havana, Cuba]

The complete story on Pizza standards reported by CNN is below:

Friday, May 28, 2004 Posted: 0240 GMT (1040 HKT)

ROME, Italy (AP) -- Pizza-makers beware: Italy has issued strict guidelines to protect the real Napoletana pizza from bogus copies. The regulations touch on everything from size to ingredients to the type of oven -- and rule-abiding restaurants will receive a special label attesting that real pizza can be eaten there.

The rules, issued by the Agriculture Ministry, are part of Italy's efforts to protect its cuisine across the European Union, although it was not immediately clear what steps would be taken for enforcement.

The guidelines, eight articles printed Tuesday in the country's Official Gazette, rule that real Napoletana pizza must be round, no more than 35 centimeters (14 inches) in diameter, no thicker than 0.3 centimeters (0.1 inches) in the middle and with a crust of about 2 centimeters (0.8 inches).

"The texture must be soft, elastic, easily foldable," the guidelines say.

The norms also specify what kind of flour, yeast, tomatoes and oil must be used. They recognize only three types of real Neapolitan pizza: Marinara, with garlic and oregano; Margherita, with basil and mozzarella cheese from the southern Apennines; and extra-Margherita, with fresh tomatoes, basil and buffalo mozzarella from Campania, the region that includes pizza's hometown, Naples.

The dough must be rolled out manually and baked in wood-burning ovens that can reach the required temperature of 485 Celsius (905 Fahrenheit).

The regulations were approved after surveying pizza-makers in Naples and surrounding areas. Restaurants that abide by the rules will get a label saying their pizza is a "guaranteed traditional specialty."

"These norms protect one of the most ancient and most important gastronomic traditions," said Antonio Pace, owner of one of Naples' oldest pizza restaurants and the president of a pizza-makers' association.

"We don't want the others not to make pizza, only we want them to make it as we make it -- as it should be done," he said Wednesday.

The ANSA news agency estimated that of 23,000 pizza restaurants in Italy -- which make 56 million pizzas each week -- about 200 would seek the certification immediately.

But Pace said he expects the vast majority of restaurants will adhere to the rules to get the label.

Financial daily Il Sole 24 Ore, which like many other Italian newspapers devoted a front-page story Wednesday to the pizza rules, described the move as "an act of love, but a desperate one."

"Pizza is now a stateless, boundless, flag-less food," it said.

Kahuna Launches Photoblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Hot on the heels of syndication, Kahuna has launched photoblogging for the Circus. Images can now be blogged directly to the Circus using Picasa's Hello software. Kahuna, regarded as a photographic menace, has declared this technology to be NB-complete.


Kahuna's experiments with slow shutter speeds using a Sony DSC-V1 (capable of subtracting the Holy Dark Frame) can be seen above. Posted by Hello

El Gordo Spotted in the Hills

PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of El Gordo have been reported from this sleepy university town nestled in the hills of Sri Lanka. A person matching the de Broglie transform of El Gordo and identifying himself as Professor Gordon has been seen roaming the hallowed grounds of the university.

An eye-witness said that the bespectacled Gordon was clad in a white tee-shirt and "trying hard to look academic" as he traversed the faculty buildings in what was apparently a Hamiltonian circuit. Experts were at a loss to explain this behavior, but mused that finding such a circuit was an NP-complete problem, suggesting that more Gordon sightings were likely.

Attempts to contact the Vice Chancellor were unsuccessful, but his Gardner made a statement that given Gordon's considerable mass, he may be attempting to tip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path. The Head of the Department of Mathematics, however, dismissed this idea as "ludicrous" and added that "We're all being taken up the garden path!" When asked if this path was also Hamiltonian, he turned a deep shade of purple and ended the interview abruptly with a series of wild hand gestures. Professor Gordon could not be located for comment.

El Gordo in Illegal Mining Bid

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Arch-villain El Gordo now known as the Patient, has been confined to his rural hideout once more due to a severe case of respiratory illness. A high-profile falling out with the Bacteria Congress over a botched attempt to incapacitate Kahuna is thought to be behind this latest bout of bronchial bogosity.

The report filed earlier today also indicated that the Patient has utilized the Inter-Cough Gap (ICG) to unveil the Ganemulla Institute of Technology (GIT), better known as Galtech. Although, the purpose of the institute was not immediately clear, sources indicated that the Patient was engaged in illegal quarrying and possibly mining bauxite in an attempt to cash in on the soaring aluminium futures market.

Monkey Business Exposed

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Reporting on the continuing drama of the Temple of the Monkey, the Daily Bogon, regarded as the New York Times of the East, spake thus:

There was high drama on the eve of the election of a Deputy Speaker of Parliament today when Jathika Hela Urumaya MP Ven. Kathaluwe Rathanasara Thera who voted with the Government during the election of the Speaker on April 22 was mercilessly beaten up dragged out of his temple and abducted by a gang of six monks at Rawathawatta, Moratuwa last night.

Although, the fundamental components of the Temple of the Monkey were believed to be monks and monkeys (by the Monster's First Law) it has now come to light that the monks are indeed a hitherto undiscovered species of primate, distinct from and subordinate to Macaca sinica. The monkey, it appears is a far more evolved cousin of the monk, given publicly demonstrated instances of behavior.

In related developments, the collective noun for a group of monks was declared to be a gang.

Kahuna Syndicates the Circus

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In ground-breaking developments, Kahuna today announced the syndication of the Circus blog in partnership with Blogger, FeedBurner and Yahoo.

Under the new arrangement, Blogspot will provide an Atom feed of the Circus at the Site Feed URL, enabling any Atom client direct access to the blog.

The Atom feed will also be extracted by FeedBurner and republished in Really Simple Syndication (RSS) format allowing a multitude of clients seamless access to the blog.

Subscribe to the Circus feed through My Yahoo:


The RSS feed is available at:


Experts believe this latest development is part of Kahuna's aggressive strategy to consolidate his position and vanquish the dastardly master criminal El Gordo. When pressed for a comment, Kahuna responded with a hearty "BUWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Vandoofus Work Sloppy, Charges Kahuna

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In late-breaking news, Kahuna accused Vandoofus Technology Services of sloppy ad-concealment work, stating that His personal intervention became necessary to clean up the blog template. Sources close to Kahuna remarked that "They couldn't even get the color right and a little bit of the ad was sticking out."

Bauxite Demand Soars Amidst El Gordo Controversy

LONDON, United Kingdom -- The International Aluminium Institute today revealed an unexpected surge in bauxite demand due to primary aluminium production being driven to record highs.

Industry analysts suspected that this was a consequence of master criminal El Gordo’s attempts at world domination being foiled once again yesterday. A spokesperson for the Institute said that El Gordo should be thwarted more often adding that “It’s good for the foil business.”

However, a highly placed industry source disagreed, saying that the bumper harvest of Idaho potatoes and Kahuna’s cheese and potato food festival was more likely the root cause behind surging demand, as consumers scrambled to bake potatoes in their jackets.

The aluminium futures markets rallied strongly at midday and Kahuna, suspected to have extensive investments in bauxite mines, was widely expected to make a killing.

Kahuna Seeking to Increase Size

KAHUNAVILLE, NC - To compensate for the poor quality of the blog’s substance by its main contributor, Kahuna has invested heavily on improving its look-and-feel in a desperate attempt to increase the blog’s membership size. Thanks to Google’s new templates along with the new features, Kahuna has managed to give the blog a whole new life. The ugly green splattered all over your monitor among a hideous dark blue gives the blog a new feel. Its new features such as being able to blog via mail and having the ability to comment on the postings are attractive to the users and I am certain will be used extensively. However, we are yet to see if there will be a significant increasing in the participation or the size of the membership.

El Gordo Indisposed

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Monstrous sources revealed that the False Prophet was confined to his rural hideout due to a some species of infection of the lower respiratory tract. Pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline has been implicated in providing life-support services.

Hidden Hand Revealed Behind Breakthrough in El Gordo Case

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In an unexpected twist to the El Gordo affair, it was revealed that the hidden (and presumably gloved) hand of latex magnate Maximillian Bartus was behind the uncovering of El Gordo's plans for world domination. Sources speaking on the condition of anonymity said that a long-running feud between Bartus and El Gordo was responsible for this latest turn of events. When contacted, the gloved one denied involvement and said his lips were sealed. El Gordo was leading the FBI in a high-speed car chase across state lines without hands-free capability and declined comment.

Circus Re-launched!

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking news, the Circus has been given a re-launch using the latest technology from Blogger.com. It should be noted that some elements in the Bogusan Empire objected to the use of the color green in a previous template, raising questions in pachydermal circles.

FBI Manhunt for El Gordo - Scheme for World Domination Exposed

REDWOOD SHORES, Republic of California -- The FBI issued an APB for the fugitive known as El Gordo (aka the False Prophet, Real Kahuna, Softie) late yesterday, when it was discovered that El Gordo had ties to an international shipping scandal.

The covert operation, which could signal the swansong of courier giants Federal Express (NYSE:FDX), involved the random routing of packages back and forth between FedEx locations, in an attempt to interfere with the planet's orbit.

In a stakeout of a FedEx regional office in Southern California yesterday, which resulted in the capture of two Illegal Mexicans, a cache of polarity-reversed capacitors and a blow-up sex doll, FBI investigators found evidence that led back to El Gordo's rural hideout in Sri Lanka.

Apparently the criminal mastermind had devised a dastardly scheme whereby incorrectly addressed packages would be dispatched via FedEx, thus causing a recursive rerouting of said packages between various FedEx shipping locations. FBI analysts believe that if the number of such malicious packages inserted into the system reach a specific threshold value, the planet's orbit could be severely impacted, thereby causing a global catastrophe.

In a press conference later in the day, the FBI released a FedEx Routing Slip which was associated with one such package.

The contents of the packages are as yet undetermined, but it is believed that the blow-up doll was contained in one of the malicious packages.

Criminal experts speculate that this latest move from the notorious Gordo is in line with his plans for world domination and the renaming of his rural hideout Kendaliyaddapaluwa, Ganemulla as the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

El Gordo was unavailable for comment, given his recent fugitive status following his escape from a New York State Penitentiary where he was being detained on unrelated charges of vandalism.

Kahuna Denies Allegations, Strikes Back

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a press release issued this morning, Kahuna categorically denied allegations of romantic interludes leveled by what he termed "malicious interests acting in concert." Adding that the allegations were vile, untruthful and completely baseless, Kahuna promised to bring the perpetrators to an untimely end. In what was considered a strategic move related to recent events, Kahuna has struck a deal with LoudCloud and will be testifying for the plaintiff in the sordid matter of LoudCloud v. Vandoofus. Vandoofus stands charged with promiscuous blogging in what is widely expected to be a long-drawn legal challenge. Legal experts cautioned that this latest move would be a blow considering Kahuna's knowledge of Vandoofus's [use of apostrophe approved by Strunk & White] reputedly colorful past. They added that Kahuna could indeed rock the boat and cause chaos. Vandoofus was holed-up with his legal team and was not reachable for comment.

The Words of the Prophets are Written on the Subway Walls?

MANHATTAN, New York -- An unidentified man calling himself the "Real Kahuna," was taken into custody last night by officers of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) on charges of loitering about 34th Street-Penn Station and defacing the premises with a can of spray paint. The so-called "Real Kahuna" insisted that he was fully justified in his actions adding that the words of the prophets were allegedly written on the subway walls. Officers of the MTA apparently refused to right-justify his beliefs and locked up the perpetrator pending a court appearance later today. The can of paint has been confiscated to prevent any further prophecies manifesting themselves. A spokesman for the MTA added that while the self-styled prophet's words were certainly profane, they were hardly profound and had no serious literary merit. Attempts to reach Paul Simon have been unsuccessful.

Kahuna admits to relationship

AP BREAKING NEWS, Colombo, Sri Lanka - In subsequent developments, Kahuna has admitted to the relationship with the female subject and has divulged her name. But for security reasons, - that is for the safety of the author – her name will remain unpublished.

Kahuna in a relationship?

AP-Colombo, Sri Lanka - Rumors have emerged that the Supreme command di-Area, carried out a secret rendezvous with a subject whom he has known since the days of his tertiary education. Despite the fact the subject was a female, It is possible that Kahuna may be in apparent relationship which could be romantic in nature. Although the rumors have been circulating for a number of years, these have become more frequent and informative over the last few days. A close acquaintance of both and Kahuna and the female perpetrator told AP in condition of anonymity, that the two have been meeting in locations around the city. According to unreliable witnesses the two were seen in compromising positions what would be generally regarded as uncharacteristic of Kahuna who spends most of his time conducting scientific experiments on animals.

Kahuna and the subject in question did not immediately return calls requesting further clarification and Kahuna has divulged little or no information on his blog site.

False Prophet Exiled

BOGUSAN EMPIRE, Colombo -- In a press release issued today, the subhuman resources division of the Bogusan Empire declared that the False Prophet aka El Gordo has been exiled to the 15th floor of World Trade Center with immediate effect. This latest move comes amidst collapsing ceilings and security concerns at the headquarters of the Empire. Sources familiar with the move said that the floor of the tower had been specifically reinforced to bear the considerable mass of the new occupant. Structural analysts criticized the move on grounds of shear weight and proposed a counter-balance consisting of the Goodyear Blimp. El Gordo responded with a "Bah!" in what was apparently C minor when pressed for a comment.

Sony's Talking Wonderbot

MANHATTAN, New York - When a Robot stands outside the NY tech center of one of the biggest electronic manufacturing conglomerates, you expect it to be … well, a robot. You would think it would be packed with semiconductor technology perhaps running artificial software with ability to respond and interact to simple external inputs. But not only did the dim-witted piece of machinery lack the sophistication of Asimo and the other futuristic humanoid robots but was also a fake. It also looked more like the colonel Sanders with the head replaced with a coconut. But despite its hideous appearance one would still expect the silly looking contraption to be a real robot capable of constructing a few words on it's own that would make it appear intelligent. It was with deep disappointment I discovered it was in fact a man inside a room with a set of cameras, a mic and a cheat sheet. One would expect more from Sony! Doesn't Sony make calculators? The man couldn’t even do simple division. Wonder what is inside my Sony digital camera? A high school dropout?

Vandoofus Technology Services Nets Deal

HARTFORD, Disputed Territories of Connecticut -- In late-breaking news, Vandoofus Technology Services Inc., have won a multi-million mega-buck deal to provide ad-concealing technology to the Circus. Banner ads will not be visible with immediate effect. While the precise terms of the arrangement have not been made public, industry insiders spoke of rumors involving a bumper harvest of potatoes and a shipment of Gorgonzola. A spokesperson for Vandoofus Technology Services refused to comment on these speculations, but added that they were indeed a big cheese. In related developments, titles have also been enabled for posts. May the farce be with us!

False Prophet a Charlatan, Says Kahuna

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- El Profeta Falso aka "Real Kahuna" has proven to be a charlatan without access to even the Weather Channel. The False Prophet has now begun calling the general public in different parts of the island to determine if it is raining in the locality. A tropical storm has been diverted to Kendaliyaddapaluwa to dispatch the public nuisance. He won't see it coming. Heh heh heh...

Vandoofus Charged with Promiscuous Blogging

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- The supreme command of the LoudCloud Blog today filed charges of promiscuous blogging against Vandoofus. It was alleged that Vandoofus spent excessive time on other blogs, thus seriously compromising his fiduciary responsibilities to LoudCloud. Stay tuned for further developments.

False Prophet Causes Highway Pile-up

PELIYAGODA, Sri Lanka -- Police sources revealed today that the False Prophet was responsible for a three car pile-up that caused traffic chaos for hours on the main highway last week. The incident was quickly hushed up at the time and came to light only today. It is alleged the False Prophet rear-ended a vehicle at speed, causing it to slam into the vehicle in front. The Sri Lanka Police, acting in a non-bogus manner have confiscated the driver's license of the False Prophet and it is now believed that he will be hauled before a court of law on charges of reckless driving and poor understanding of Newton's laws of motion. Sources close to the so-called "Real Kahuna," have revealed that he is now driving around without a license in contravention of the highway code.

AP-KOTMALE, Sri Lanka - Breaking news coming to us from news sources in Kotmale area indicate that Kahuna has been involved in a unfortunate incident involving a fairly large bull. While on his expedition to Kotmale to research the bestiality between man and cow, Kahuna was reported attacked by the bull and have sustained injury. Kahuna is, however, in fair condition recovering at a nearby hospital. The circumstances of the accident are still sketchy and we will bring you more details as they are available. According to witnesses, Kahuna was wearing the black and white suit he was reported seen wearing earlier and a pair of bull horns. In a press briefing after the incident, a spokensman for Kahuna said he would continue his study on dogs after his return to Colombo. However, the spoksman added, he could not speculate when Kahuna will be well enough to travel back to Colombo.

KOTMALE, Sri Lanka -- "Kahuna" was sighted in the Kotmale area - reknown for its' high concentration of cows. The purpose of his visit was not announced however there is speculation that it is to validate the empirical evidence suggesting that bestiality is not consensual, by means of experiments on cows.

"Kahuna" was reportedly seen in a black and white suit sporting a tinkerbell and mooing seductively in the presence of cattle. The cattle were reportedly not responding to his amorous advances and he then tried his luck with the few horses in the area.

The Dutch Ambassador who was passing by the Kotmale area at that very moment, witnessed this gruesome spectacle and moved promptly to have this kind of disgraceful activity banned in his country through the Agriculture Ministry. A motion has already been moved in parliament. Click for Details...

KAHUNA'S RETREAT, Tahiti -- Yes, according to empirical evidence, bestiality is not consensual. In fact, the sheep were seen chasing Vandoofus all over the field and a Wide Area Border Collie had to be brought in to restore order. Justice Scalia can rest assured that Vandoofus did not consent. Now that we've got to the bottom of this sordid matter, we hope it can be laid to rest.

To add to the Scalia's story, it was reported by a newspaper, which shall remain anonymous, that Scalia has apparently expressed fear that by legalizing gay sex just because it is a consensual act between two adults, it will invariably follow with demands to legalize bestiality. I would like to point out, and Kahuna will confirm this, that bestiality is never consensual.

I felt like blogging to offset Kahuna’s dominance in the circus which has resulted in making the blog outright boring. Except for a few accounts of identity theft and story about how Kahuna survived an assassination attempt, the circus is full of useless and utterly uneventful writings with no real literary value. The reason very well may be that it’s main contributor is Kahuna the who think he is a supreme commander from Galactica Di-Area. Fortunately I am back from my sabbatical to contribute a few words to the otherwise pathetic blog. Now that I have said the forewords, I have nothing to follow up with. Such is the nature of my writing. A spectacular buildup and a totally sudden and unexpected end. So I hope this will keep the fellow bloggers and readers entertained until I blog again. Peace.

THE SUPREME COURT, Washington DC -- The Supreme Court today announced that Associate Justice Antonin Scalia will be embarking on a duck hunting expedition with Kahuna in the near future. This new development is despite public disapproval of Scalia's conduct with regard to a previous duck hunting trip with US Vice President Dick Cheney pending the lawsuit filed by the Sierra Club regarding his energy task force. Scalia's conduct has once again raised eyebrows in judicial circles. Justice Scalia forbade the recording of his comments on this latest development citing his first amendment right not to speak on radio or television when he chose not to.

THE SUPREME COURT, Washington DC -- The fact that Big "Kahuna" is now releasing press releases on behalf of the Amish people is to be considered sufficient proof that "Kahuna" himself is Amish.

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a press release issued by his Offices, Kahuna stated that the Amish people were far too tolerant and demanded the death of the False Prophet.

LANCASTER COUNTY, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- The Amish people deplore the unprovoked denunciation of their lifestyle by the False Prophet of the Bogusan Empire. Drawing conclusions of affinity from potatoes is completely innapropriate and the Amish people will obstruct the premises of the Bogusan empire using horse-drawn carriages to protest this outrage.

THE GRAPEVINE -- The previous posting and it's affinity to potatoes has given rise to speculation that "Kahuna" is actually an Amish. This could probably also account for "Kahuna"'s lack of driving skills.

BOISE, Idaho -- In late breaking news, the Idaho Potato Commission revealed it had signed a multi-million dollar deal with Kahuna for export of Idaho potatoes. The exact nature of the arrangement was not specified. However, industry insiders speculated that Kahuna may be researching some form of potato-based weapon to compliment the Cheese of Mass Destruction announced in August last year. Critics maintained it was more likely that Kahuna was planning a potato and cheese food festival. Kahuna was not available for comment.

TREASURY DIVISION OF KAHUNA, Cayman Islands -- The Bogusan Empire has been billed LKR 1,075,500 for provision of ethical hacking and security services. A discount of LKR 107.55 has been offered as a goodwill gesture.

The "Real Kahuna" (who happens to be the False Prophet) can be found within the depths of the Bogusan Empire, close to the location of the recent ceiling collapse.

*sigh*
can the real kahuna please stand up?

ok - Kahuna

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- It has come to the attention of Kahuna that an aging False Prophet of considerable girth has enthroned himself as the "Real Kahuna" within the utter depths of the Bogusan Empire. Kahuna notes that He and He alone holds the primary key "Kahuna" and any attempts to subvert this state of affairs is constrained by His Holy First Normal Form. The obvious key collision has led to the False Prophet prefixing a "Real" to his primary key in a singularly inept attempt to add a row to sys.dba_users. Sources indicated that the False Prophet has already been indicted for dress code and weight violations by the Subhuman Resources division of the Bogusan Empire. A spokesmonkey for the Empire added that charges relating to suspicious goings on in parked motor vehicles have, however, not been substantiated at this time.

BOGUSAN EMPIRE, Colombo -- "Kahuna" was recently fined Rs.107.55 for impersonation of a Bogusan Officer and disruption of work at the Empire. All sources associated with "Kahuna" have declined to comment on the incident.

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Certain bacterial elements at the Bogusan Empire who have been caught with their pants down by the security audit carried out by Kahuna have engaged in a smear campaign to discredit Him. The recent alliance between Kahuna and Google Inc., have further ruffled the unholy feathers leading to the publication of slander, which is libellous and actionable. Forgetting of passwords by the afore-mentioned elements has been logged as a further security violation. The wrath of Kahuna will be subtle, but malicious. Heh heh heh...

CHANGI AIRPORT, Singapore -- News just breaking in is revealing the true story of the flight-related buffoonery that was reported on this blog last week. It appears that the self appointed Kahuna had attempted to board the flight in the pretext that Kahuna does not require a ticket to fly.

Staff of SriLankan had informed "Kahuna" that he could not drive, let alone fly and offered him space in the luggage hold. "Kahuna" had protested loudly and created quite a ruckus at the airport. In an effort to minimize damage to it's reputation, SriLankan had then offered "Kahuna" a seat on the condition that Bogolever would fork the required quantum of LKR on return.

Not resting at that, "Kahuna" had attempted to demonstrate his Kahuna-status by occupying the seat of another passenger. He was promptly removed in drag-by-ear mode to his allocated seat and advised to behave himself.

The Inquiry at Bogolever into the incident has just commenced.

REGISTRY OF MOTOR VEHICLES, Colombo -- An open warrant has been issued for the arrest of Ranil Sanjeeva Amarasuriya for possession of a forged driving licence. Associates of Mr Amarasuriya commented that Ranil is only capable of driving people up the wall, and nothing else besides.

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Google Inc., owners of Blogger.com have provided Kahuna with a 1 GB (yep, that's GIGA byte) email account in recognition of Him being a blogger of repute. Accessing the trash folder results in a "No conversations in the trash. Who needs to delete when you have 1000 MB of storage?!" message. BUWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! May the mail quota be with you!

MEGABRANTIS, Brantis-Vogan Cluster -- Kahuna visited the Bogusan Empire today and demonstrated the Kahuna Nature by opening the secure portals of the Empire using an open(sesame) function call. This demonstration has caused chaos in the Empire and spokesmonkeys report portals being retrofitted to keep Kahuna out. Next time, Kahuna will demonstrate the Holy teleport() function call.

SAN FRANCISCO, California Republic -- Latex magnate Maximillian Bartus aka Bartus Maximus has been transferred to the California Republic with immediate effect as Kahuha's Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary.

THE PAN PACIFIC, Republic of Singapore -- The day began in a bogus fashion with an uncooperative motor vehicle. At 4 am, it was discovered that the lead-acid accumulator of the vehicle in question had collapsed into a flat quantum state in accordance with Schrödinger’s theory (i.e., it was not known to be flat until the ignition key was rotated clockwise along the z-axis to the start position).

The resultant state of affairs necessitated commandeering of a backup motor vehicle to enable a bit-block transfer to the airport. Upon subsequently reaching the airport—named for the Scourges of the Nation—and standing in line at the check-in counters of Srilankan Scarelines, the clownette in session informed Kahuna that the flight was full. It appeared that a confirmed ticket was not necessarily sufficient to travel on Srilankan Scarelines. Kahuna was then asked if it was important for Him to reach the Orient on-time. Kahuna replied with, "No, why don't I twiddle the Holy Thumbs in your august airport instead?" or words to that effect. However, Kahuna was not alone in being so excluded from the aircraft—a family of four was in a similar boat. The head of said family confided to Kahuna that it was being yelled at, in view the prevailing bogosity. Kahuna made appropriate sympathetic noises out of earshot of the afore-mentioned family members.

After delaying Kahuna for half an hour, the clownette in session miraculously located free space within the aircraft—no doubt, some form of defragmentation or compression algorithm was invoked. Kahuna then checked-in and after dealing with security types who wished to examine the contents of His Pockets, boarding took place. Upon boarding, Kahuna found to His annoyance that the allotted seat 17H was already occupied by a female type. Assuming that females were incapable of differentiating between 17H and 18H (which turns out to be 1H), Kahuna occupied seat 18H. A short while later, an elderly clown, who had apparently absconded to the gent’s, turned up and queried what Kahuna was doing in its seat. This led to arbitration by a flight attendant and it transpired that the female mentioned previously was also unable to differentiate between 17H and 11D. To simplify this equation, Kahuna agreed to move to 11D, leaving the bogus female to her faulty algebra, geometry and possibly even topology.

After a fifteen minute delay, when the aircraft was taxiing, a clown of the Faith was heard praying loudly in the back of the cabin. AHA() function calls were issued to the great annoyance of Kahuna and the rest of the passengers. After an uneventful cruise climb, the Buffoon Purser came on-air to make an announcement: "There appears to be a malfunction in the in-flight... entertainment system." This was just as well: Kahuna discovered that the wired remote control device of seat 11D was missing anyway, having been ripped out of its recess. Thus began a three hour, fifteen minute flight of utter boredom to Kuala Lumpur. En route, a fascinating species of meal was served. Kahuna opted for the scrambled eggs and baked beans to avoid any possibility of bandakka manifesting themselves. It came to light that the eggs were not merely scrambled, but essentially Vulcanized into an amorphous mass with great potential of replacing asphalt. Pieces of tasteless fruit, along with strategically disguised pineapple were also among those present.

On finally landing in Singapore, a clown activated its mobile phone in violation of FAA regulations while the aircraft was taxiing to the gate. Said phone received multiple short messages and then began ringing with a most obnoxious tone. The clown then began a loud conversation in the native tongue; while the passenger next to Kahuna gave it looks capable of vaporizing an elephant at thirty paces. On that bogus note ended the first day of Kahuna’s visitation to the Orient. May the Farce be with us.

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Kahuna is packing and will be absconding to the Orient shortly. Stay tuned for further announcements.

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- The press release by MORP is utter drivel. Kahuna is making a full recovery thanks to advances in antibiotics. This entire episode appears to be the handiwork of a coalition between MORP and the Bacteria Congress. The masterminds behind foul deed will be brought before the firing squad/broad-spectrum antibiotics shortly.

The big question is who is trying to poison Kahuna? He does have many enemies. But he is not a serious enough threat for any party to take any action. Being a feeble and ‘small’ entity, Kahuna is unlikely to be a victim of a complex assassination attempt carried out for strategic reasons. Even if there were an assassination attempt it would be unlikely that food poisoning that caused Kahuna to be critically ill with diarrhea, would be an appropriate choice of means to accomplish the objective. I would think a simple rubber band and pellet would have knocked him out for good. Instead, the food poison only caused Kahuna to spend long periods of time in the bathroom and prevented being his usual unproductive self.

There are several possibilities. Investigations have revealed a revolutionary right-wing movement called the MORP who have been fighting to resist the invasion of Connecticut by Kahuna’s allies. But the MORP who recently ‘shock and awed’ most of the Kingdoms east of the east coast of US is probably not interested in what they deem as a trivial threat to their sovereignty. Another possibility is Kahuna is simply the subject of a biological weapons test. Several nations are suspected to have experimented with weapon that can cause severe diarrhea. It is possible that Kahuna may have been a random victim of such an experiment. Another convincing theory that has surfaced is that the attempt to poison Kahuna may have been carried out by his own allies for amusement (which obviously seem to be lacking as proved by this blog) The most likely reason however, the attempt was simply to eliminate Kahuna to improve the average intelligence of the collective alliance.

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- Kahuna is indisposed after consuming what appears to be contaminated food during the last Board Meeting X-( A hidden hand is suspected to have arranged the catering for the event.

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- The following decree has been issued by the Powers that Be lead by Kahuna after an Extraordinary General Meeting of the Board of the Universe, last night:

WHEREAS, there has been unilateral agreement on the Monster's First Law declaring the Parliament of Sri Lanka to be a Temple;
AND WHEREAS, the Smithsonian Institution has observed and recorded the behavior and politics of the Temple Monkey of Sri Lanka (Macaca sinica) for a period in excess of thirty years;
AND WHEREAS, such behavior and politics have been replicated with authenticity in the Parliament of Sri Lanka;
IT IS HEREBY RESOLVED that the Parliament of Sri Lanka shall henceforth be known as the Temple of the Monkey with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto with a member of the Holy Orangutan (Pongo pygmaeus) species being designated High Priest and Chief Incumbent with the right to Speak and Preach on behalf of said Temple;
IT IS FURTHER RESOLVED that the Peanut (Arachis hypogaea) shall be the Official Currency and Legal Tender of said Temple with One Hundred and Ninety Peanuts being the equivalent of One Sri Lanka Rupee.

So ordered and adjourned, sine die.

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- There are those among us who would walk into a herd of elephants and attempt to communicate using the Boston Philharmonic as an interpreter.

Kahuna: gah
Kahuna: trumpet()
Monster: gah!
Monster: clarinet()
Monster: :-p
Kahuna: I meant the sound made by elephants X-(+ ur turning the proceedings into an orchestra
Monster: :-)) :-p

This explains the stampedes.

COLOMBO, Bogocratic Socialist Republic??? of Sri Lanka -- Foundations of Sri Lankan politics.

Axiom #1: Parliament => Temple.

Proof: Excerpt from a recent CNN.com news article, "... the all-Buddhist monks party has won 11 seats, making them one of the largest parties in parliament."

Concluding, the rest of the inhabitants are 'Monk'eys.

UNITED PLANETS FEDERATION, Earth -- Compiler theory in a nutshell à la Star Trek.

Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
Spock: Affirmative.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.

And to think they make you study this for a whole semester. If you don't get it you need to attend Compilers 101 for a full semester.

SAN FRANCISCO, California Republic -- Historical research has revealed that the Congress of the United States sits in contravention of the following edict released in January 1860:

WHEREAS, a body of men calling themselves the National Congress are now in session in Washington City, in violation of our Imperial edict of the 12th of October last, declaring the said Congress abolished;
WHEREAS, it is necessary for the repose of our Empire that the said decree should be strictly complied with;
NOW, THEREFORE, we do hereby Order and Direct Major-General Scott, the Command-in-Chief of our Armies, immediately upon receipt of this, our Decree, to proceed with a suitable force and clear the Halls of Congress.

- Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico

It seems comrade Norton had the right idea on how to go about these things.

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Happy B'day Doofi! This should be read when you regain conciousness after the org... I mean party :-P I just realized I've known you for 12 years, and that's scary. Be good today... What am I saying?

SACRAMENTO, California Republic -- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) today demanded that the Bogotic North Pole be moved from his capital Sacramento to Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte (SJ-K), Sri Lanka (ICBM Locator: Latitude = 6.903N, Longitude = 79.908E, Elevation = 35 m). Sacramento was declared Bogotic North after the 2003 recall circus in which Schwarzenegger was brought to power. Tallahassee, Florida previously held the dubious honor after the hanging chad fiasco of 2000, engineered by then Secretary of State, Katherine Harris (R). The Bogotic North Pole should not be confused with the Magnetic North Pole and the Geographic North Pole (also known as True North).

Schwarzenegger said he would be issuing a show cause notice to SJ-K as to why it should not be declared Bogotic North in light of recent electoral buffoonery of pachydermal proportions. Schwarzenegger alleged that this latest debacle was of far greater magnitude than both Florida and California combined. He further alleged that the Parliament of Sri Lanka, situated in SJ-K was located in a specially-designed containment pond to dampen the critical mass of bogosity generated during its sessions. This evidence in itself, he stated would be sufficient to justify his case. The Parliament of Sri Lanka was in a hung state and not available for comment.

Schwarzenegger's move was widely received by the scientific community, who believed it was about time the bogosity of SJ-K was internationally recognized. Experts, meanwhile, confirmed that the late visionary architect Geoffrey Bawa knew what he was doing when he decided to place parliament in the middle of a lake. It was the general opinion that more parliaments should be surrounded by water with the option of Complete Submersion on Demand (CSoD). Lawmakers are, however, expected to protest this latest opinion as environmentally unsound practice. Analysts dismissed these concerns saying the methane emissions from most parliaments are a greater threat, considering the contribution to global warming.

In latest news, the number of idiots per square inch is much higher than originally estimated. They weren't kidding when they said there's one born every minute X-(+++

DISPUTED TERRITORIES OF HARTFORD, Soon-to-be-Former Connecticut -- You mean bullshit and lies? Will you be using high-resolution satellite photographs as well?

I guess, then, it's time for a regime change. Expect shock and awe!

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- !@#$$#^@# Vote? Blasphemy! The Republic of Boston is a despotic theocracy ruled by the Grace of Kahuna. There is no vote here! You insult the very foundation of our regime! This affront leaves us no choice but to annex Hartford and greater Connecticut!

... Oh and bloggers, please exercise your rights. Vote! (that is if you can leave your little fantasy world for minute and focus on the real republic)

It looks like the collective citizens of nerd-ania are back in business. I am not sure how long the site has been up since it went through a dormant period due to lack of any interesting input by the users. (It still doesn't seem all that interesting.) I am not reading to find out either. I can't be bothered reading about the make-believe republics and bogus scientific names of bacteria.
But it is interesting to see there are some new people around. I hope they will be able to contribute with some stuff that are actually worth spending time reading. Obviously, the older members failed miserably. Especially the dingbat who started this. I must admit though, I have very little hope.

Lactobacillus Bulgaricus and Streptococcus Thermophillus take pleasure in inviting Dr Ebenezer Gordon to deliver the Escherichia Coli Memorial Lecture on Resistance to Antibiotics at the 912th Annual Bacteria Congress where Culture is a Lifestyle.

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- The Powers that Be headed by Kahuna acknowledges the thanks from the good citizens of the Bogusan Empire. The Silence of El Gordo was accomplished using the tried-and-tested Eä() function call, first spoken by Illuvatar. Analysts now believe that the initial discord in the Music of the Ainur giving rise to evil in the World was due to El Gordo playing the Holy Bongo off-key, while attempting the more complex contortions described in the Karma Sutra. It was pointed out that Melkor was previously suspected of this foul deed and cast into the Void in what appears to be a monumental miscarriage of justice.

MEGABRANTIS, Brantis-Vogan Cluster -- In latest news, we are pleased to announce that Simpsoni Bartus has joined the editorial team of this blog. Let the mud be slung!

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla (ICBM Locator: Latitude=7.050N, Longitude=79.950E, Elevation=18m) -- In latest news, the Monster has revealed it bathes for 1.5 hours as it "has a lot to wash." This appears to be an ideal case for the Dyson Contrarotator. >:) Heh heh...

MEGABRANTIS, Brantis-Vogan Cluster -- Sources report that El Gordo embarked on the ill-fated unscrewing operation despite warnings issued by both his autonomous wife and clown sibling, the Monster. The mobile phone in question now exists in component form.

MEGABRANTIS, Brantis-Vogan Cluster -- A spokesmonkey for the Bogusan Empire today revealed continuing buffoonery in the sordid El Gordo affair. El Gordo has just destroyed a new Japanese screwdriver after only unscrewing four screws on his mobile phone. This took place while allegedly attempting to install a new cover. Experts speculated that this latest fiasco may have been caused by exceeding the torque limit of the screwdriver, having pudgy paws or using the screwdriver for purposes other than those envisaged by the manufacturer. This shocking disclosure has also caused the average MTBF of all known screwdrivers to be adjusted down towards four screws. Screwdriver manufacturers have proposed a class-action lawsuit against El Gordo who was not available for comment.

MEGABRANTIS, Brantis-Vogan Cluster -- A spokesmonkey for the Bogusan Empire yesterday reported of an unscheduled collapse of the suspended ceiling architecture in the vicinity of that fiendish master of crime, El Gordo. It is rumored that El Gordo was constructing a portable blackhole when the incident occurred. This device supposedly creates a gravitational field so powerful that not even management could escape. The ultimate purpose of this device remains shrouded in secrecy. Analysts, meanwhile, dismissed the whole idea on the grounds that space-time curving around El Gordo's considerable mass would have more probably triggered the collapse. Later that day, El Gorgo was seen huddled in the parking lot of the Bogusan Empire with latex magnate Simpsoni Bartus, reputed to have made it big in rubber goods. When confronted with this evidence, an enraged El Gordo spat that the whole matter was being blown out of proportion. Stay tuned for live coverage...

#define _UNICODE
#include <nonstdio.h>
#include <tchar.h> //For Generic-Text Mappings

#define blank _T("")

int main(void)
{

blog(blank);
return 0;

}

Need I say more...

You have used non-blank Unicode symbols in order to blog a blank. You have, therefore, failed in your quest! BUWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

In the absence of a blog for awhile, I hereby blog(blank);