Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came...

- Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo

These are full lyrics of the unmistakable theme song from Cheers, the multi Emmy Award winning sitcom that first aired in September 1982 and ran for eleven seasons. You can read the story and listen to the song at www.garyportnoy.com.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 3 – The Way of the Spider

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- Evidence has surfaced implicating the portly arch-zoologist Professor Gordon in a new web of intrigue involving high-speed automobile usage:

Gordon : Were you responsible for the large spider
         that manifested on my windscreen in the 
         midst of traffic? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed
Gordon : I thought as much X-(
Kahuna : Was it a very large arachnid?
Gordon : Quite
Kahuna : Then it was the one I commissioned
Gordon : You remember I sent a photo which scared 
         [the Teddybear] once?  One of that type
Kahuna : This is quite a large instance of said 
         object class
Gordon : The RSPCA will hear about this. Said 
         spider was subjected to winds exceeding
         100 kmph[1] X-(
Kahuna : The fact that you did not slow down despite
         said spider being exposed to a force 10 
         gale will be part of the RSPCA report
Gordon : I slowed down[2] when I saw it X-(
Kahuna : You will be charged with attempted 
         arachnicide X-(
Gordon : And you with criminal abuse of spiders
Kahuna : Murderer!

No spiders were harmed during the course of this production.

^[1] Incontrovertible evidence of a highway code violation.
^[2] Corroborating evidence of [1] above.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 9

One Berry has concluded flashing her assets.

- Ebenezer Gordon, Professor of Boobology at MIT, verifying that the assets in question were indeed present and accounted for in Catwoman.

So long and thanks for all the humps.

- Darth Teddy, issuing a parting shot.

Eh? Are you proposing a lens up your ass?

- Gordon to Kahuna, hypothesising the Carl Zeiss Recto-Sonnar lens during a highly refracted discussion on optics.

[The] potential difference dropped to 0V.

- Gordon, reporting an unexpected loss of electrical power in the wilderness of Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Try climbing a coconut tree, the potential should increase. I'm arranging the thunderstorm.

- Kahuna, providing a highly charged solution to Gordon’s potential loss.

We are a technology firm. We use vacuum cleaners.

- Gordon, explaining his decision to replace the broomstick as a mode of transportation on Samhain Eve.

You know, pre-historic artillery might not work on these tiny islands. You might have to resort to something more accurate: like catapult.

- The Regulator, advising Kahuna on appropriate arms to invade her republic and install her as Despot.

For your information, Diego Garcia belongs to this banana republic. When I'm made Despot, I'm going to fight for that too. Using catapult of course.

- The Regulator, unveiling her decidedly ballistic foreign policy.

Before you came along, I was a simple, banana eating, law-abiding citizen of this la-la land.

- The Regulator, blaming Kahuna for her rise to power.

Do you know there are legal implications [with] people of your age being online at this time?

- The Regulator, raising a point of law after finding Kahuna online during the wee hours.

The opportunity to push [the Teddybear] off at two thousand feet also presents itself.

- Kahuna, on the advantages of hot air ballooning.

I will now lunch() mode=supervised.

- Gordon, on his first managed lunch after failing a lipid profile.

I'll introduce a pyramid and take the discussion into a whole new dimension.

- Gordon to Kahuna, upping the ante in a high-stakes game of Vertices and Edges.

Were you responsible for the large spider that manifested on my windscreen in the midst of traffic?

- Gordon to Kahuna, seeking answers to a mysterious increase in the arachnid count.

We have been subjected to unknown chemicals by the government BTBOTP.

- Gordon, taking issue with the Elections Commissioner’s pink indelible ink, since turned black.

Its high time someone announced an election result BTBOTP.

- Gordon, expressing displeasure at the non-disclosure of election results by 9:00pm.

Quantum Electodynamics (QED) 101

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- With electoral bogosity in progress, we now take a scientific view of the proceedings to better understand the underlying principles of any election. The fundamental particle of an election is the ballotino. Ballotinos have zero rest mass and hence do not posses momentum. It is, therefore, quite difficult to actually do something useful with a ballotino. The particles, however, carry the quantum properties of color, promise, spin and strangeness.

Ballotinos are fermions and obey Fermi-Dirac statistics. Consequently, they are also subject to the Pauli exclusion principle. Hence, it is impossible for a group of ballotinos to occupy the same energy state (i.e., political platform) and act like a single entity as would a group of bosons.

Ballotinos carry color charge in a manner similar to gluons, with an anti-color carried backwards in time. However, the rules of ballotino interaction differ considerably from gluon exchange. In particular, ballotino interaction rules are highly political and may differ from election to election. Gluons on the other hand, follow fixed rules. In the current electoral environment ballotinos carry blue (with green in the reverse direction), red (antigreen) and green (antiblue or antired) color charge. Ballotinos with like color charges attract, while unlike charges repels. Unlike charges forced together in a strong talk show field tend to annihilate each other releasing vast amounts of noise.

Ballotinos also interact heavily with bogons. A ballotino may absorb a bogon and change color or recoil in a different direction. A high-energy ballotino may likewise emit a bogon and change color or recoil.

Ballotinos are full of promise, but empirical evidence suggests that these are mostly empty. Some ballotinos are quite strange indeed, even bordering on bovine. There are no known limitations to a ballotino’s strangeness. By virtue of promise and strangeness, ballotinos can put quite a spin on things.

It is common in some nations to use other fundamental particles such as bulletinos to disrupt and cause interference during ballotino interaction. The bulletino possesses mass and, therefore, considerable momentum particularly in the case of the heavy bulletino.

The existence of the anti-ballotino has been theorized, but remains elusive with no experimental evidence found using contemporary particle accelerators. It is rumored that crackpot inventor Professor Gordon may be constructing a purpose-built Ballotinotron or Large Ballotino Collider to discover the absconding anti-particle. Such a device is believed to be possible by arranging a large number of talk show hosts in a ring arrangement. It is feared that the discovery of anti-ballotinos would have the potential to spontaneously annihilate all known political activity.

When contacted by KNN, Gordon vehemently denied he was conducting experiments to discover the anti-ballotino. We continue to monitor the developing lunacy.

The Eve of Samhain

INVERGORDON, Scotland -- The dark half of the year begins tonight with the Eve of Samhain. Winter is upon us and the world grows colder. Kahuna announced that He would be presiding over bonfire ceremonies later tonight, and did not rule out sacrificing Darth Teddy on grounds of dubious cuddliness.

It is believed that Darth Gordon will do the rounds tonight in a highly modified, polarity reversed vacuum cleaner. The portly one has decided against the traditional broomstick due to concerns of increased drag given his generous aerodynamic profile. It is also believed that the device will be heavily cloaked to avoid radar.

Kahuna accused Gordon of attempting to cause global warming by operating a SUV with complete disregard for the environment. Industry analysts cautioned that Gordon’s indiscriminate gas guzzling could result in a severe emission problem while escalating demand and triggering an oil crisis. Responding to critics, Gordon angrily declared that his vacuum cleaner was environmentally friendly and denied that it was powered by flatulence.

The situation remained flammable at the time of blogging and KNN will monitor the situation with a blowtorch.

Monstrous Greetings!

Foliage Ablaze (Copyright © 2005 The Monster)

MIDDLETOWN, Connecticut - Greetings fellow Clowns! Pardon the long silence on my part and apologies to Darth Teddy and most of you for my sudden, uninformed, Bogusa-enforced relocation; Hope you are all keeping well & merry!

Belated B'day wishes to all large clowns of fame born in the month of October! Naresh & Suren!

I leave you with a picturesque capture from my habitual Sunday evening walk trough the Autumn struck woods, enjoy...

Mole Day Celebrated Today

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- Mole Day is celebrated in America between 6:02 am and 6:02 pm today, October 23^rd. Got mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023.

New Historical Archives Reveal More History

Connecticut - (ENN) - New research conducted by the Center for Historical Archives now reveals, between the years of 876BC and 787BC, the Kingdom of Vandissia might have spanned the vast land from the northern borders of Canada to the southern costal tip of Florida. The kingdom also seemed to have had a treaty with its northern neighbor, Canada, by which Canada paid huge sums of money to the Kingdom in order to deter invasion and to protect Canada from other forces. For the most part of this period the kingdom was ruled by Vandoofus I also known as Vandoofus the Magnificent. Historical records uncovered recently by archeologist and historians say at least two fierce battles were fought between the forces loyal to Vandoofus I and Kahuna the Horrible. One of them is said to have taken place in the town of Boston (Present day Boston) for the control of the state of Massachusetts and the second, a few years later, for the state of Connecticut was fought in the town of Hartford (Present day Hartford). Vandoofus I emerged victorious in both these campaigns and there by managed to extend his kingdom all the way from the northern frontier to the southern coast of the Florida Keys.

The defeat left Kahuna the Horrible with no real statehood. He suffered heavy loses. His military was almost entirely wiped out and his brigade of cattle was all slaughtered and eaten. Having survived two embarrassing defeats, Kahuna retreated to the islands of Bahamas and became a goat herder.

Vandoofus I, along with his family, loyal soldiers, ministers and advisors set up a base in the town of New York (Present day New York City). The stability and the economic boom that followed converted the town into a flourishing metropolis. The people of Vandissia, thanks to the great emperor Vandoofus the Magnificent, lived a luxurious life with most modern day conveniences known to us such as schools, Karaoke bars, strip clubs, museums and DMVs.

Recently uncovered historical documents reveal Kahuna was subsequently given an official pardon and was invited to the mainland by King Vandoofus I. The legend goes Kahuna, during a brief meeting with the highness, attacked the king in an unsuccessful and pathetic attempt to change the course of the succession. Vandoofus I, being magnificent, defended himself successfully and managed to restrain Kahuna until the guards arrived. Guards escorted Kahuna to the dungeons and later amidst kicking and screaming, was carried to the moat and fed to the crocodiles in front a large public gathering.

Vandoofus I ruled the kingdom until his death which occured of natural causes in 745BC. He was succeeded by one of his many children by many wives. After months of deliberation the wise men of Vandissia named the new king - Vandoofus II

Unquotable Quotes - Part 8

I will borrow a De Lorean and deliver this to your future Paternal-One-In-Law.

- Kahuna to Gordon, threatening to go back in time to deliver the Ten Rules for Fathers with Daughters to the latter’s future father-in-law.

That would put you just past Pluto in the Oort cloud.

- Kahuna, fixing Gordon’s location in space based on his pathetic IM response time.

Have a nice day. Or whatever suitable greeting they use in the slime pits of hell where you dwell.

- Darth Ching, issuing a warm greeting to Kahuna.

This project took close to five months by Kronos.

- Gordon, defending budget overruns of the Blare GITT Project.

I was thinking of a ferrite filter around the entire vehicle.

- Kahuna, announcing plans to curtail RF emissions from the mobile theater-enabled GITT Mk2.

So you think I should check quantity-on-hand of elephants?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on the need to check for availability of elephants prior to sending them to maul the Jester.

You just caused a mass violation of the Archimedes principle.

- Kahuna to Gordon, accusing the latter’s face of sinking a thousand ships, implicating Helen in the subsequent recovery effort and ultimately causing the Trojan War.

It sounded like an elephant colliding with a badly tuned grand piano at 35 mph.

- Kahuna striking a sour note about Gordon’s Finale.

You will backup your existence and do so now.

- Gordon, instructing Kahuna to examine the Cell microarchitecture.

Maybe you get strippers for in-flight entertainment or something.

- Gordon, attempting to rationalize the exorbitant cost of airfare to Dhaka.

Or retrofit it with a sponge.

- Maximillian Bartus, proposing to dabble in alternative medicine upon his liver.

How precisely do you intend to seize it? Do you require tongs?

- Kahuna to Maximillian Bartus, on the precautions the latter intends to take before seizing the day after a weekend of unrivaled decadence.

tareeeeeeeeeeeeeppp=============555555555555[[[[[[[[[[[[ke8cd.

- Waffles, taking a stroll on Kahuna’s keyboard.

You’re not featured in UQ8. You should do something about that. Even my cat is featured.

- Kahuna alerting St Vandoofus to a distinct lack of classical quotations from New York.

You think I’d rather be spending that time jerking off?

- St Vandoofus, taking matters into his own hands after being told his time would be better utilized by not mucking around his news website.

[The] Circus needs reforms, or a regime change.

- St Vandoofus, threatening to overthrow Kahuna and introduce perestroika^[1] in the Circus.

Bloody Bolshevik!

- Kahuna, responding to St Vandoofus’s unsolicited reform proposals.

^[1] Shortly after this conversation, it was discovered that Alexander Yakovlev believed to be the architect of Mikhail Gorbachev's glasnost and perestroika policies, died today at the age of 81.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 2 – The Way of the Ugguduwa[1]

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A recent commotion in the ceiling of Kahuna’s abode led to the following buffoonery that quite literally went to pot.

Kahuna : There's a rumpus in the SCA X-(
Gordon : Eh?
Kahuna : Suspended Ceiling Architecture
Gordon : Heh heh, I see
Kahuna : This may be due to a hothambuwa[2]
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : :=))
Kahuna : Or even a kalawedda[3]
Gordon : In addition to the one in your room :=))
Kahuna : #$!@$#@#%#$%#$%
Gordon : ROTFL
Kahuna : I will send a mugatiya[4] to deal with you
Gordon : You appear to be operating an unlicensed
         private zoo X-(
Kahuna : Look who's talking
Kahuna : Your illicit banana plantation in the
         Bahamas for instance...
Gordon : If I had holdings in the Bahamas,
         I wouldn’t be mucking about here
Kahuna : Obviously this is a front for tax evasion
Gordon : I will get the courts to stop this
         investigation[5] if you don’t watch it X-(
Kahuna : You’re using the proceeds from your banana
         empire to finance nefarious deeds X-(
Gordon : Such as?
Kahuna : The Blare GITT Project for starters
Gordon : You're the one growing genetically modified
         marijuana X-(
Kahuna : Ha! I knew it!
Kahuna : You’re in the pot business
Gordon : Bah

No polecats were harmed during the course of this production.

^[1] Common Indian Palm-cat (Paradoxurus hemaphroditus hemaphroditus).
^[2] Sri Lanka Ruddy Mongoose (Herpestes smithii zeylanicus).
^[3] Golden Palm Cat (Paradoxurus zeylonensis).
^[4] Common Sri Lanka Grey Mongoose (Herpestes edwardsii lanka).
^[5] A threat to invoke the supremely powerful Hambantota Maneuver.

Maul the Jester Coding Competition Announced

PORCUPINE PLAIN, Saskatchewan -- After a considerable hiatus, the amateur comic known as the Jester has raised its unsightly head once more and emerged from the proverbial woodwork.

Speaking to reporters this morning, Kahuna announced that the Jester should be mauled swiftly and with style^[1]. He said that a Maul the Jester Coding Competition has been mooted to determine creative and unusual means of achieving this most noble end. There are no limitations on languages and the use of elephants, Nile crocodiles and other legitimate fauna is permitted.

Welcoming the move, Bugware Evangelist Darth Gordon said he would propose an object-oriented approach to the problem, liberally mixed with structured query language, but bordering on voodoo.

Kahuna presented the following generic high-level language code as an example solution to the Jester problem:

EXTERNAL Code_of_Hammurabi, Jester, Elephants,
 Bananas;

SUSPEND Code_of_Hammurabi;
SUMMON Elephants;
BRIEF Elephants;
MAUL Jester USING Elephants;
DEBRIEF Elephants;
REWARD Elephants WITH Bananas;
DISPERSE Elephants;
ENABLE Code_of_Hammurabi;

Kahuna cautioned that the code was not meant to be complete and provided purely to illustrate a solution involving elephants. He added that executing the code in its present form might result in a stampede.

Concluding His press conference, Kahuna invited solutions to the Jester problem. These He said should be blogged or left as comments for review by the evaluation committee.

Darth Teddy, a known Jester antagonist was not available for comment.

^[1] Allusions to Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker are intentional.

Gordon Joins Dark Side

CORUSCANT -- A press release issued by the Sith today announced that crackpot inventor, Professor Gordon had officially joined the Dark Side. According to letters patent granted by the Sith, Gordon will henceforth be known as Ebenezer Vader, 1^st Darth Gordon of Ganemulla, with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto. The title is hereditary.

Gordon’s reasons for joining the Dark Side, however, appear to be highly unconventional as substantiated during his initial interview (readers are advised to view links to experience the full effect of the dialog):

Gordon : If I join the Dark Side, will I be Ebenezer
         Vader or Darth Gordon?
Kahuna : You have a choice of name X-(
Kahuna : You might want to try Ebenezer Vader, Darth
         Gordon à la Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Gordon : I prefer Darth Gordon
Kahuna : You might go so far as to style yourself 
         Ebenezer Vader, 1st Darth Gordon
Kahuna : A precedent has been set by Alfred Tennyson,
         1st Baron Tennyson
Kahuna : Are you formally joining the Dark Side? 
Kahuna : Shall I send an application form? 
Gordon : Please do
Kahuna : By Darth Huggles 
Gordon : Do I need to sleep with the approval board? 
Kahuna : No, but this could expedite the process 
         considerably
Gordon : X-(
Kahuna : Do you have reasons for wishing to join the 
         Dark Side?
Gordon : Indeed, I want a Vader outfit
Kahuna : With or without mask?
Gordon : Without
Gordon : I also want a lightsaber
Gordon : I could source externally of course by 
         [link]
Kahuna : This is not a Sith-approved vendor
Kahuna : Do you want assistance with laboured 
         breathing?
Gordon : This would make one heck of a dildo I guess
Gordon : I will build my own if you don’t watch it
         [link] 
Kahuna : Your perversions have no end
Kahuna : There's a good chance you'll muck up the 
         construction: [link]
Gordon : It appears there are much bigger clowns out
         there than we first estimated by [link]
Kahuna : Indeed, this could come in handy during 
         meetings 
Kahuna : Drawing one's lightsaber while commenting 
         "I find your lack of faith in the technical 
         architecture disturbing" has its plus points
Gordon : #@$%@#$#@$@

Darth Gordon, busy writing his memoirs, The Elephant must be Fed, was not available for comment.

KNN will continue to monitor this expanding situation.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 7

What are you referring to now, you infernal insomniac?

- Darth Ching, responding to an interrupt issued by Kahuna.

Judging by your alcohol-blood ratio, I believe you're quite close to an ethanol-based life form.

- Kahuna, raising a highly flammable point with Darth Ching.

It ain’t over till the Fat Man signs.

- Kahuna, making cryptic references to Professor Gordon’s refusal to scrawl on the dotted line.

Baaaaa!

- Darth Kahuna, issuing a greeting in their native tongue, to a group of sheep found in the yard of a house in Bernisdale, on the Isle of Skye.

Baaa! Baaaaaaa?

- The sheep, politely reciprocating and enquiring where Kahuna learned to speak the language so fluently.

I tell you it was burying a bone!

- Darth Teddy, insisting that a sheep encountered in Bernisdale was exhibiting patently canine behavior.

I am a senior senior java architect, I don’t know this trivial stuff.

- St Vandoofus in his own defense, on being unable to add two columns correctly in Microsoft Excel.

Drawing one's lightsaber while commenting, "I find your lack of faith in the technical architecture disturbing” has its plus points.

- Darth Kahuna, mulling over the use of a lightsaber to settle disputes during a design meeting.

I have moved up in the Empire.

- Professor Gordon, on being kicked upstairs to the 15^th floor.

Has your net pay increased with altitude?

- Darth Kahuna to Professor Gordon, attempting to establish direct correlation before offering the latter a highly paid assignment in low Earth orbit.

If You Proceed Further Downwards

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- If given the opportunity for you to look further down from the Angel of Christian Charity, just a tad above hell, you will have a clear view of the Angel of the Dark Side. A stunning combination indeed.

Teddy Denies Allegations and Sheds More Light

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- Curious as to the reactions of DT after these ludicrous allegations by Kahunna (Darth) one of our star reporters at BNN, S. D. Dog has gone to great lengths to catch up with DT (mostly because the distance was a straight line). Through Teddy's responses to our obvious questions such as "What is your view on these rubbish accusations made by Kahuna (Darth)?" we learned that it was indeed Kahuna (Darth) that initiated connections with one dubious character called Inter Net and begged DT to make the so called reservations without having the IQ to primarily find out where the location was (eg: Left, Right or the Middle of Nowhere).

It must clearly be noted that all bookings undertaken when Kahuna (Darth) was not in receptive mood were made to perfection by DT with no complications whatsoever. Kahuna's non-receptive moods can also be defined as "Hossa Langin Massa Yanna Baa" which in laymans refers to ones chin and a common house fly. This behaviour we at BNN have defined as Class DC which means DamnChildish.

Speaking of "Baa", peaceful residents at Bernisdale (no, not the cats) also had a terrible shock when they happened to open their front door and saw a strange individual , namely Kahuna (Darth), trying to communicate with their pet sheep. This was indeed disturbing as an eyewitness said that it seemed like Kahuna (Darth) was attempting to coax one of the pet sheep to hand over its bone that it was burying in the back garden for use later on. It must be said that these reports are far from unconfirmed.

This is all DT was willing to share with us today and I believe we should thank him for clearing out the bogosities put forward by Kahuna (Darth). Thats it from me S. D. Dog and I will be back soon with more startling reports of the Caledonian Whatumaycallit. I wish you a not too baaaaaa ...d day.

And now for the weather with Ms. F. T. Cat ...

USPS Stamps Out Gordon

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- In a surprising move, the United States Postal Service (USPS) has issued a commemorative stamp featuring Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker as part of a collection in honor of Jim Henson and the Muppets.

It is believed that this latest move was calculated to snub Professor Gordon who was trounced by the duo to become the UK's top scientists last year. Adding insult to injury, even the Swedish Chef and a chicken made it to the collection.

Experts mused that a hidden hand (possibly gloved) may be behind these latest attempts to discredit Gordon. The latex evidence, they said, points to Gordon's arch rival, Maximillian Bartus.

Gordon was not available for comment.

The Angel of Christian Charity

The Angel of Christian Charity popularly known as Eros, atop the Shaftesbury Memorial fountain at Picadilly Circus (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

Kahuna Accuses Darth Teddy of Bernisdale Fiasco

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- While there appears to have been a minor lexical anomaly in His previous post due to a keyboard malfunction, Kahuna would like to remind the Bear that the Bear, the whole Bear and nothing but the Bear is solely responsible for the Bernisdale^[1] fiasco.

Who, might we ask, booked us into the treacherous, cat-infested lair of Dorothy? It must also be pointed out that the Bear was far from apologetic when confronted by the huge sheep-sized cats in person.

More on this sordid topic will be exposed later.

^[1] Located on the Isle of Skye, about ten miles from Portree—essentially, in the middle of nowhere. Unremarkably, the name appears to be Old Norse for Bjorn’s Dale. Who Bjorn was and why in particular he occupied an entire dale is not known.

Darth Teddy will Shed Light, for a Price

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- We caught up with DT earlier today and he told us that he is indeed able to provide and insight as to why the clown formerly known as Kahuna (Big) has joined the dark side. However this will only be done at a price said the cuddly Bear with bids starting at 25 cuddles.

Also DT would like to apologize to the cats at Bernisdale for DK's apparent deterioration in spelling abilities in regard to their residency.

And now for the weather with Ms. Summer Lovin...

Kahuna Returns, Confirms Dark Deeds

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- In a press conference held a short while ago, Kahuna announced that He had returned from His joint Caledonian Expedition with the supposedly cuddly Darth Teddy. Kahuna also confirmed reports that He had joined the Dark Side and would now be known as Darth Kahuna. He declined to provide reasons for this shocking revelation, but promised to bring to light details of the expedition in the weeks to come. This is widely expected to involve a hunt for the Loch Ness Monster and a harrowing escape from the cat-infested desolation of Bernicedale.

Analysts were quick to welcome the move and pointed out that regular blog features such as mud slinging at Professor Gordon, could also be expected to resume in the near future.

Return of the Teddy (Rhymes with Jedi)

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- There have been rumours floating around in the past week that the infamous world traveller, none other than the Teddybear has arrived back in his native land. Rumour also has it that the Bear's arrival has been greeted by a mixture of open arms and evasive action. Well most of you will be thrilled to know that these rumours are a rumour no more but infact very true. We at BNN caught up with the Bear who by the way now answers to the name Darth Teddy following his recent transition to the dark side to take up duties as Angel of the Dark Side. The reason for this transition is still not known in detail, however a fresh set of rumours suggest a Geisha Girl of tritonian proportions may have groundbreaking answers to this very question. On questioning DT regarding this matter a strange reference to the oldie Any Dream Will Do and the popular flick Austin Powers: Goldmember were made. We are still unable to decrypt this comment and might have to refer it to the TRANSLTR [Digital Fortress] in order to get a clearer image.

However, DT also spoke briefly on his tour of England and Scotland with one Kahuna (Big) and stated that this was a most enjoyable two weeks. He was also thrilled with the fact that during these two weeks he was able to convert Kahuna (Big) to the dark side. More of this later on in the week. We also had unconfirmed reports that another member of the Circus had also made a transiton to the dark side, although a more conservative one. Information on this will be broadcast as soon as we have hard evidence, no pun intended.

DT has promised us that he will provide BNN with another exclusive interview on his exploits during his travels and also of his two week long tour with on Kahuna (Big). Certains points of this tour might be backed up with photographic evidence we hear, yummy... (clears throat) ... pardon me.

Also, we must warn you that there have been confirmed reports of escaped convicts that have seen prowling around Colombo. We strongly suggest that you go downstairs, lock all your doors and please always check under your bed before going to sleep at night. However to put your mind at rest a little the recent trend has been that these convicts have thus far only tried to gain access to Geisha girls which to be honest has apparently been a piece of cake.

Thats all for now, we shall be bringing you more exclusive interviews with Darth Teddy in the days and weeks to come.

And now for the weather with Ms. H.T. Unda-Da Colla...

The Sound of Silence...

Is it that the Circus is under arrest and has the Constitutional right to remain silent where anything it publishes can be held against it?

Or

Has the Circus Maximus been burnt down!!?

Vandoofus Thanks the Huggalots: Press Release

Flushings, NY -- After returning, Vandoofus in a press release said he would like to thank all members of the huggalot club for the generous gifts presented to him on several functions that was held in the Colombo area in his honor. He said he thoroughly relished the gifts, particularly the latest womens' fashion accessories and instructional books that will be undeniably useful to him. He also said, although, he held strong anti-hugging views he has come to like the habit. He specifically enjoyed the tight embracement of the big, strong, muscular members of the club. However, he added, he has decided not to return to Sri Lanka until the huggalots have been dismantled. He provided no explanation for this decision.

Vandoofus Hugged in the Early Hours

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news breaking from the Coffee Shop of the Colombo Plaza, Senior Clown St Vandoofus has been accosted and hugged by Huggles in the early hours of the morning. Details remain sketchy.

Kahuna, who was blisfully asleep at the time, was not involved in the incident. However, it is believed that He was awakened by Huggles shortly afterwards to report the latest buffoonery.

The Game

The Gentlemen's Game (Copyright © 2005 Da Bear)

Nostalgia

Past Greats Do the Rounds (Copyright © 2005 Da Bear)

Off-Shore Circus Held in Singapore

SINGAPORE -- Having returned from the Orient yesterday, Kahuna reported that his journey was mostly uneventful. Sources close to the situation, however, disagreed charging that Kahuna had met with Huggles and the Menace—aka Her Royal Highness—to perpetrate an inaugural, off-shore circus. They added that three clowns was the acceptable quorum required to hold a legitimate circus.

It was revealed that Huggles and the Menace had invaded Kahuna’s hotel room in the dead of the night prior to the trio committing various acts of excess along the length of Orchard Road. Eye-witnesses recalled a dubious incident involving a hot apple crumble and further buffoonery involving an elevator at the proposed commencement activities of Batman. It is believed that a waitperson was also jostled in the rear by Huggles during the night’s proceedings.

Yet more buffoonery was evidenced two days later at the Funan Digital Life Mall—having since been upgraded from a mere IT mall. Of particular note were those activities that took place at the premises of John 3:16 where Kahuna yielded to temptation and acquired a Sony HVL-F32X flash to consolidate his position as a photographic menace. A high point of the day took place when a Chinese cabby, having ascertained the country of origin of his passengers, proceeded to declare one Solomon of the long and mostly non-native name to be B-complete.

Having toured the Orient, the trio returned home on Friday, Kahuna utilizing a Boeing 777-300 operated by Emirates for the purpose. The aircraft was found to be equipped with rather conspicuously branded Rolls-Royce Trent 800 series engines, each capable of delivering 90,000 lbs of thrust. These were found attached to the wings in accordance with the manufacturer’s guidelines.

Upgraded in-flight diversion options included video-on-demand to each seat, seat-to-seat telephony, SMS and email. Had it not been for high levels of fatigue on the part of Kahuna, GSM-evangelist Professor Gordon would have received a short message originating at cruise altitude. Attempts to watch The Phantom of the Opera as recommended by the Teddybear were foiled by constant intervention of the cabin crew intent on serving some item of chow. Kahuna finally succumbed to sleep while the Music of the Night was disturbingly rendered over the drone of the engines operating in high-bypass mode.

Upon landing at Colombo, the cascade-type thrust reverser of the right engine was observed in operation (pictured here on a similar aircraft).

The Gordon threat level during the past week was found to be considerably lower than forecast, with the false prophet lying inexplicably low. An imminent Huggles threat level (to St Vandoofus) has been forecast for the next week with the serial hugger expressing clear intent to hug at first sight.

Kahuna Departs Unexpectedly for the Orient

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- In unexpected developments, Kahuna departed for the Orient by means of a Boeing 777-300 aircraft this morning. No reason was given for the sudden departure, but it appeared that Kahuna had no intention of using a Gordon Blimp. In related news, an elevated Gordon threat level has been forecast for the coming week with possible defamatory blogging by the arch-mechanic.

KNN will monitor this developing situation.

Gordon Floats Dirigibles Venture

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka – In a press conference held this morning, crackpot inventor and industry heavyweight, Professor Gordon announced his intention of diversifying into lighter-than-air vehicles with a new venture know as Gordon Dirigibles LLC. Explaining his business plan to the media, Gordon expounded his desire to challenge the aerial superiority of Boeing Inc and Airbus SAS with high-speed, hydrogen-powered airships. He added that the new company would be a wholly-owned and fully-funded subsidiary of Gordon Industries.

Industry analysts believe that Gordon is attempting to rekindle the golden era of hydrogen-powered airships that ended disastrously with the Hindenburg in 1937. Commenting that this was a highly explosive business venture, they added that it was just as well that Gordon’s liability was limited.

The portly one also unveiled plans to challenge the weight-loss industry with his custom-built personal blimps. These he said, would usher in an entirely new era of weight-loss that didn’t involve eating less. Nutritionists were up in arms against the idea maintaining that it was pure hogwash.

Kahuna was not available for comment, having decided to commune with nature.

The Mountain Lake

The Mountain Lake, Watercolor by B Kahuna.

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- After more than a decade, I tried my hand at painting in watercolor again today, with quite satisfying results. This was based on pencil sketch I made over the last week or so. I should have used heavier paper or at least stretched this one, though. It started to buckle a bit when applying each wash. The masking tape also misbehaved and decided to bond a bit too tightly to the paper. These are minor technicalities that will be fixed in the next release. Kahuna is happy.

Teddybear Discovered in Library

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- In scandalous news breaking from Brighton, the Teddybear was recently discovered in the library, reading. The bear was apparently deeply engrossed studying loss of coolant accidents in pressurised water reactors at the time of the incident.

In a statement to the media shortly afterwards, Kahuna admitted to having used His Clown Positioning System (CPS) to locate the bear and presented the following conversation as evidence:

Teddybear : Greetings
Kahuna    : Greetings
Teddybear : You won't believe where I am right now
Kahuna    : Where?
Teddybear : Guess
Kahuna    : The library?
Teddybear : Shit
Kahuna    : Indeed
Teddybear : Am I that easy?
Kahuna    : Indeed
Kahuna    : I'm also very good
Kahuna    : :-D
Teddybear : Hmm...
Kahuna    : You have much to learn
Teddybear : Hmmm... *Sulk*

The Teddybear, alleged to be cuddly, was engaged in a game of cricket and not available for comment.

"Flash" Gordon Weighs In With New Persona

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- In unexpected developments breaking from the desolation of Ganemulla, arch-climatologist Professor Gordon has unilaterally declared himself to be "Flash" Gordon. This is believed to be a publicity stunt by the portly one to widen his profile and share of voice.

According to sources familiar with the situation, "Flash" Gordon is already involved in a property dispute over the planet Bungo with arch-nemesis Ching the Merciless. Both parties had apparently refused to budge from their respective stands.

Speaking to the press this morning, Kahuna proposed that a negotiated settlement should be arrived at through a joint mechanism [ekaabadda yanthraya]. He added that this was possible by joining the two factions in series to the high-voltage side of a large transformer. Political analysts mused that while this was a controversial method, Kahuna may be attempting proof by induction.

"Flash" Gordon was not available for comment, having absconded from imperial business today to retrieve Claudius, his Chief of Staff who was stranded on the roof of his rural hideout. It is believed that Claudius may have been carrying out a roof inspection at the time of the incident. Hasty attempts by "Flash" Gordon to rig a Precision Approach Path Indicator (PAPI) using a Class II laser pointer and entice Claudius have resulted in chaos with extraneous cats responding to the projection. The situation remained unresolved at the time of blogging.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

Cops Intervene to Curb Fowl Play

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Sri Lankan state run television yesterday reported the valiant efforts of local law enforcement in the raiding of an illegal cock-fighting bookie joint. Everyone at the joint had reportedly chosen to flee on seeing the law headed in their direction, but three chickens were taken into custody. ["Soodu poley sitapu siyalu denaama palaa giya athara kukulan thidenek polis baarayata gannaa ladi" as originally reported.]

It is reported that the prisoners are now being tortured into revealing the identities of their masters. The RSPCA who intervened in the matter reported the fowl conditions in which the captives were being held. They had been locked up in a cage and shown explicit photographs from The Great Chicken Cookbook, whilst an endless stream of KFC ads played on a nearby giant video screen.

The three grumpy prisoners however refused to make any comment apart from the fact that they were in quite a soup, and when our reporter attempted to get further details he was rudely told to "cluck off"...

Unquotable Quotes - Part 6

Well, is Ecuador South America or Central?

- St Vandoofus, enquiring on the geographic location of his proposed destination.

You are not helping my packing.

- St Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s travel advice involving active volcanoes.

You think there is GSM in the middle of the Amazon?

- St Vandoofus, defending his missed deadlines to Kahuna.

You may refer to me as Darth Ching, and I will refer to you as Darth Pokemon.

- Darth Ching, attempting to establish protocol with Kahuna.

Did you take your inflatable lightsabre?

- Kahuna, enquiring upon Darth Ching’s ceremonial attire for viewing Episode III.

Always two there are: a master and an apprentice. If once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will, as it did to Obi-Wan's apprentice.

- The Monster, at One with Yoda.

A messenger porcupine have I sent. Greatly inconvenienced you will be.

- Kahuna, declaring his intent to make the Monster Minus One with Yoda.

Gordon Steps Up Offensive

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- It has come to light that crackpot inventor and arch-electrician, Professor Gordon has successfully fabricated a working power supply unit, a milestone in his quest to convert GITT into a mobile theater system.

However, in a media release issued a short time ago, Kahuna declared that it was a dark day for the planet and accused Gordon of secretly attempting to construct an Explosively Pumped Flux Compression Generator (EPFCG).

Kahuna added that He would organize a resistance movement and promised swift action to rectify the situation and incapacitate Gordon's latest weapon. He did not rule out reversing the polarity of Gordon's capacitor bank or swapping his primary and secondary windings in a transformational solution to the problem.

The arch-electrician was unavailable for comment having knocked out the communications of greater Ganemulla during a test run of his power supply.

KNN continues to monitor this developing story.

The Blare GITT Project

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- KNN has uncovered a sinister plot by Kahuna-wannabe, Professor Gordon to convert his flagship automobile, the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) into a mobile theater system.

Dissatisfied with his home theater system, the portly one plans to convert GITT into a fully functional THX-certified cinema experience with Dolby SR Digital surround-sound. This is expected to raise surround-sound to an entirely new volume with nearby motorists also immersed in the acoustics. It is believed that a highly-modified muffler will deliver the Low Frequency Effects (LFE) channel, while GITT’s xenon headlamps would drive a quasi-holographic regular free space display that would appear to hang in mid-air in front of the vehicle. It was not immediately clear if Gordon intended to charge motorists for sharing his cinema experience.

According to sources close the crackpot inventor, Gordon has already begun retrofitting GITT to realize his raucous vision. The core architecture will include a Fibre Channel Storage Area Network (SAN) consisting of redundant switches and disk subsystems. Though redundant, Gordon’s disk arrays are understood to be expensive. Frustrated with RAID 5, Gordon is believed to be implementing a stripe-mirrored (RAID 1+0) solution using 2-Gbps 73.4 GB (15K RPM) Fibre Channel disk drives. The system—with capacities exceeding a terabyte—is intended to store his music and movie collection for instant rendition through a voice-activated interface sourced from the foul, dark depths of Redmond.

Environmentalists cautioned that Gordon’s latest move was a serious threat to the sanctity of the surroundings. Speaking to the media, Kahuna said that He would deploy a fleet of His active noise control units to deal with the public nuisance swiftly and noiselessly.

The False Prophet was last seen in the Pettah dressed as bargain hunter, attempting to locate shock-proof mounting kits for his disk subsystems. It is believed that he was confounded in this quest by merchants inexplicably not wishing to part with their wares.

This is a developing story and KNN will continue to provide hilarious coverage.

Vandoofus Readies for South American Tour

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- KNN learns that Senior Clown St Vandoofus will be departing on an expedition to Ecuador tomorrow, in his official capacity as the first representative from the Circus to visit South America.

According to the latest flight plans, Vandoofus will be landing unsupervised at the Simón Bolívar International Airport in the coastal city of Santiago de Guayaquil. It is understood that he will be gracing a wedding ceremony during his tour of the country. However, his intended presence during the honeymoon remains controversial.

Vandoofus will also be visiting the capital city of Quito, located on the eastern slopes of Pinchincha, an active stratovolcano. At an elevation of 9,300 feet (2,850 meters) above sea level, Quito happens to be the second-highest capital city in the world, after La Paz in Bolivia. The latent tectonic activity of the region and the high Clown Factor (CF) of Vandoofus have prompted Kahuna to issue an advisory noting a statistically significant Potential for Disaster (PFD). The conversation below is presented as evidence:

Kahuna    : Are you gonna climb Pichincha?
Vandoofus : :-S
Vandoofus : Should I?
Vandoofus : What is there?
Kahuna    : Yeah, it’s an active volcano
Kahuna    : Quito is on the eastern slope
Vandoofus : Ah
Vandoofus : Hmm
Kahuna    : "Active" being the key word here
Vandoofus : If it doesn't require strenuous activity 
            I might climb
Vandoofus : X-(
Vandoofus : So you think its going to go off when 
            I am there?
Vandoofus : X-(
Kahuna    : Yeah... Your CF might trigger it... I'm 
            calculating the odds now
Vandoofus : X-(

In related anecdotal evidence, Kahuna revealed that Vandoofus was caught smoking at high altitude a decade ago during an ascent of Thotupola, the third-highest peak in Sri Lanka.

After the close of South American tour, it is believed that the globe-trotting Vandoofus would have trampled all continents underfoot other than Antarctica. Kahuna is rumored to be evaluating a proposal to airdrop Vandoofus in his underwear at McMurdo Station.

Vandoofus—busy packing and brushing up on his Spanish—was not available for comment.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 5

If I get kidnapped, pay the fricking ransom.

- St Vandoofus, to Kahuna before leaving on an expedition to Ecuador, a nation in the throes of political turmoil.

Mention me in your will.

- Kahuna, laying down terms of ransom payment to St Vandoofus.

How about a strip club?

- Professor Gordon, on a suitable venue for his birthday gathering.

I didn’t know baboons grew on trees.

- St Vandoofus on being told the "B" in B-tree stands for "Baboon."

Anything out of Redmond is a standard only among maggots.

- Kahuna, expressing a controversial dissenting opinion of Microsoft standards to St Vandoofus.

You plug the USB in your ass and it works.

- St Vandoofus, explaining the remarkable flexibility of his new external USB hard disk drive.

Oh? Is your ass USB 2.0 compliant? 480 Mbps?

- Kahuna, raising concerns about St Vandoofus’s USB 2.0 implementation.

Quarter

Quarter by Trudi

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- I came across this photograph by Trudi on Flickr while I was researching for the last post. It depicts a quarter of the RAF roundel on the fuselage of a Spitfire.

This composition, in particular the contrasting colors and the texture of the metal is NB.

High Flight

On Laughter Silvered Wings, a painting of Magee's Spitfire V by Keith Ferris (Copyright © 2001 Keith Ferris)

High Flight

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air. . . .

Up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or ever eagle flew —
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

— John Gillespie Magee, Jr (1922-1941)

John Gillespie Magee, Jr was born in Shanghai on June 9^th 1922 to an American father and British mother, who were missionaries in China. In 1940, after the outbreak of World War II, he joined the Royal Canadian Air Force (RCAF) and became a pilot. Within that year, he was posted to the No 412 Fighter Squadron at RAF Digby in Lincolnshire, England.

Magee was inspired to write High Flight on September 3^rd 1941 during a high-altitude test flight of a new version of the Supermarine Spitefire, the Mk V. He sent the poem in a letter to his parents noting "I am enclosing a verse I wrote the other day. It started at 30,000 feet, and was finished soon after I landed."

Three months later on 11^th December 1941 he was killed at age 19, when his Spitfire V (markings VZ-H) collided with another aircraft in the clouds over the village of Roxholm near Digby. He is buried at Scopwick Cemetary, Lincolnshire.

The version of the poem reproduced here is that transcribed by Dave English from Magee’s letter now stored in the Library of Congress. English notes that most printed versions use "... even eagle" but the original seems to be "... ever eagle," with similar penmanship to the preceding "never."

High Flight is a favorite among aviators and others who yearn for the freedom of flight. It is the official poem of the RCAF and RAF. On January 28^th 1986, US President Ronald Reagan quoted from the poem in his poignant address to the nation on the loss of the Space Shuttle Challenger STS-51-L.

Two other poems by Magee, Sonnet to Rupert Brooke and Per Ardua can be found here.

Great quotations on aviation can be found at Dave England's website, SkyGod.com.

The Secret Life of B-Trees

NEW YORK CITY, New York – The following conversation that took place a short while ago has thrown new light into the poorly understood concept of B-trees:

Vandoofus : Are you doubting my ability to retrieve
            and transfer a simple phone number?
Kahuna    : Indeed I am... You couldn't do a simple
            index lookup without mucking up the
            whole B-tree
Vandoofus : X-(
Kahuna    : :-p
Vandoofus : What’s a B-tree?
Vandoofus : Bamboo?
Vandoofus : Boxing?
Vandoofus : Buffalo?
Kahuna    : Baboon
Vandoofus : Ah
Vandoofus : I didn't know baboons grew on trees
Kahuna    : Oh? Where did you think they grew? X-(

This is just great, Doofi! Now I’ve got a picture in my head of baboons trying to resolve a primary key constraint. Worse, how is a balanced baboon-tree going to work? Does it mean that there will be an equal number of baboons on each side of the tree?

Oh, curse my associative memory! I just remembered the Pythagorean theorem: the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

By Codd, Doofi, I swear I’m going to thump you silly with a foreign key!

NOAA Moves to Seize GITT

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) today announced that the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT), flagship vehicle of arch-climatologist Professor Gordon, would be seized in the name of science.

Explaining the basis for this unorthodox move, a spokesperson for NOAA said that there was empirical evidence of direct correlation between washing GITT and the development of inclement weather conditions. It was not immediately clear if Gordon would also be seized along with the vehicle.

The crackpot inventor was not available for comment, having washed and waxed GITT a short while ago. In related news, a thunderstorm is reported developing over the western province of Sri Lanka with the epicenter located around Kendaliyaddapaluwa, Ganemulla.

KNN will provide live coverage of this stormy story.

Tine Bhealtaine

Tine Bhealtaine^[1] by GustavoG.

GAILLIMH, Éire -- Today is Beltaine, the first day of summer according to the Celtic calendar, celebrated in ancient times by the bonfires lit by fire created afresh after extinguishing the hearths of the land. Traditionally, the cattle were led to new pastures between two such bonfires to purify them and protect them from sickness and harm.

Sources close to Kahuna revealed that He had retired from herding of any sort and was convalescing at His abode.

[1] Beltaine fire, pronounced HIH-nuh BYAHL-tih-nuh.

Gordon Hosted to Circus

MOUNT LAVINIA, Sri Lanka -- Professor Gordon was hosted to a circus beside the sea on Thursday night at the Golden Mile. Those present at the gathering were Gordon, his Autonomous Wife, the Monster, the Baroness, Huggles, the Menace and Kahuna. Felicitations were received from geographically disjoint clowns including the recently resurrected Bart the Oblivious, St Vandoofus and the Cookie Monster.

Thanks to logistical bungling including but not limited to shopping at the last moment, the corner cashier, consultation with licensed medical practitioners regarding red-eye reduction and the quest for the holy eye drops, the party of the celebrant arrived at the venue prior to the hosts. This was remedied finally, by the arrival of the hosts bearing gifts from Otara of wireless (IEEE 802.11b) hotspot fame.

In accordance with tradition, the holy chemoluminescent red and blue lightsticks were activated and presented to Gordon in the form of a collar to be worn during the proceedings. The portly one was seen glowing around the gills and later around the wrists in a manner reminiscent of Automan, albeit without the color co-ordination.

These were soon followed at appropriate moments during the meal by the rest of the buffoon vestments including the skunk cap, clown shoes and the thong underwear. A long-sleeved shirt was also thrown in for good measure. Shirt measurements, however, were bungled thanks to the Monster. Size, apparently does matter and the Monster is scheduled for a thumping at a later date. If the service layer of the Golden Mile was perturbed by the luminescent Gordon, they hid it well. Even so, the skunk cap did cause some alarm, with a waiter making a hasty retreat. Fortunately, Gordon did not try on the thong during the proceedings, thus avoiding a potential breach of the peace.

The food at the establishment was declared NB overall, despite the pepper sauce accompanying the prawns registering rather high on the Scoville scale. The orange juice, which seemed to have been concocted by running whole oranges through a blender is also best avoided, unless accompanied by a filtration system.

Among the other gifts presented were What to Expect the Toddler Years and rather incongruously, Drive Her Wild: 100 Sex Tips for Men. The Monster expressed undue interest in the former works and was advised to first consult the latter. The books were followed up with a stash of imported chocolate for personal use, which was handed around by Gordon in contravention of accepted restaurant etiquette. However, norms were suspended on the grounds that the chocolates were delicious. The proceedings were declared closed shortly thereafter and appropriate getaways were made using automobiles equipped with internal combustion engines.

Kahuna is currently convalescing after a bout of the 'flu causing conjunctivitis on the 3^rd day. In a break with tradition, days 4 to 6 have been declared days of rest and the possibility of an all-nighter on the 7^th has not been ruled out.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost, 1874-1963

There's an analysis here. While I was searching for this poem, I also came across a PDF presentation of the same name by Richard P Gabriel, Distinguished Engineer from Sun Microsystems, Inc. It's about the nature of future software and makes interesting reading.

You might also want to visit his website, Dreamsongs.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 4

Every time I login and see you, I get angry at god for creating such idiotic samples of human beings.

- St Vandoofus, expressing great displeasure at seeing Kahuna online.

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, IIV, IIIV, IX, X.

- St Vandoofus, giving a new definition to the Roman numerals, in particular the imaginary numbers.

I did have sex with a woman!

- St Vandoofus, ejaculating a non-Clintonian denial of his alleged ambidexterity.

How do you spell 'immortal'?

- St Vandoofus, requesting remote lexicon support during a weed-induced creative binge.

[Censored].

- Ven T H Wimalasara.

I was forced to use the H-word early in the morning!

- Kahuna, on exchanging pleasantries with the Ven Wimalasara in the native tongue.

Happy Birthday, Professor Gordon!

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- Professor Gordon celebrates his N^th Birthday today, where N appears to be a positive integer whose solution requires Gaussian elimination. Some form of orgy is in progress at Gordon’s rural hideout, but celebrations appear to have been overshadowed by the presence of the Ven T H Wimalasara^[1].

This news came to light when Kahuna made a courtesy telephone call to Gordon this morning, only to find the Ven Wimalasara occupying the arch-inventor’s chambers. Consequent to a brief conversation with the Ven Wimalasara, Kahuna’s MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) has plummeted to well below parliamentary levels. The Ven Wimalasara’s MTBE hovers an iota above zero at most times and occasionaly goes negative during expletive-multiplexing.

Kahuna noted that today was also a holy day, with Pope Benedict XVI being scheduled for installation later during the day. He played down any coincidence between these events. The Circus wishes the portly one many happy returns of the day!

[1] Thorana Handiye Wimalasara, aka Clown W (not related to the Shrub family)

Waffles Joins Kahuna's Household

Waffles studying string theory (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- In a press release issued this afternoon, Kahuna announced that the cat Waffles had joined His Household last week, much to the irritation of His imcumbent senior and junior canines. He added that an uneasy ceasefire had been negotiated late last week and was holding despite provocation from both sides. An incident was reported just this morning when the junior canine made off with a tennis ball owned by Waffles. However, the situation had returned to normal with the intervention of the ceasefire monitors.

Political analysts mused that Kahuna's latest move was likely to raise tensions with the cat-infested Gordon Administration. The False Prophet, Professor Gordon was not available for comment, having been last seen snacking prior to dinner. Not quite cricket, what?

FMM Expresses Concern Over Censorship Initiatives by Big Kahuna

NY, Ansonia, (ENN) -- The Free Media Movement of Ansonia, in a press release, has expressed concern over the censorship initiatives adopted by the Circus administration. Despite the earlier assurances by the chief blogger, big Kahuna of Moratuwa, the Circus has apparently adapted measures to censor any politically sensitive materials published by fellow bloggers that may be detrimental to Big Kahuna’s political agenda. An individual who preferred to remain anonymous said that his comments on an article were completely deleted by Big Kahuna who was responsible for the content of the article. The individual has merely attempted to point out that the article was completely bogus and this has triggered Big Kahuna to take censorship measures. The FMM in its press release urged the Circus authorities to condemn the censorship initiatives adapted by the Big Kahuna and also urged an investigation to the possible violations of constitution by Big Kahuna who acted in a dictatorial manner. Big Kahuna was available when contacted but was unable to provide any comprehensible or non-bogus comments worth publishing. ENN will be monitoring the situation closely in the coming days.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 1 - Back to BASIC

CAMBRIDGE, United Kingdom -- The sublime buffoonery of this post will probably only be appreciated by those of us who have had the privilege of using a ZX Spectrum created in 1982 by arch-inventor, Sir Clive Sinclair. With a 3.5 MHz Zilog Z80A processor, 16K of ROM and 48K of RAM, the Spectrum provided a color PAL video output viewable on a TV screen. We respectfully bow to what is possible with 48K of RAM and the holy Z80 machine language.

Kahuna is the proud owner of a Spectrum, still operational after twenty-two years. Curiously, Kahuna’s Intel hardware has not survived the years.

The following high-level language discussion which took place a few weeks ago between Kahuna and Professor Gordon is introduced as evidence of Outright Buffoonery (OB):

Kahuna : en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinclair_BASIC
Gordon : Indeed... I once downloaded a ZX Spectrum
         simulator
Gordon : I had about 10 of them running in separate
         windows whilst playing an MP3 too X-(+
Kahuna : Indeed... I play around with said simulator
         from time to time
Kahuna : The games are NB
Kahuna : By The Lords of Midnight[1]
Gordon : Sir Clive was quite the clown
Kahuna : I believe there's a version that runs on
         PalmOS
Kahuna : I will source() this :-D
Gordon : Heh heh
Gordon : Geek X-(
Kahuna : That is totally uncalled for by GOSUB X-(
Gordon : Nonsense by INSTR$[2]
Kahuna : You're failing to see the middle path by
         LEFT$
Gordon : You are POKEing your nose in matters that
         are out of your jurisdiction
Kahuna : Nonsense, by B Integer out of range X-(
Gordon : You're quite DIM aren't you?
Kahuna : A BORDER 0 will sort you out X-(
Gordon : GOTO hell
Kahuna : C Nonsense in BASIC
Kahuna : :=))
Gordon : ABSolute idiot
Kahuna : Nonsense... merely BRIGHT
Gordon : What the BEEP are you going on about now?
         X-(
Kahuna : Can't you READ? X-(
Kahuna : By INKEY$
Gordon : That's a LOAD of tripe. You're getting one
         STEP closer to being ERASEd, FOR you are
         driving me OVER my threshold of patience.
         If I were you, I'd RUN
Kahuna : Q Parameter error
Kahuna : Your BASIC is quite RANDOMIZEd
Gordon : RETURN
Gordon : Would you like to VERIFY that with the
         relevant authorities?
Kahuna : 7 - RETURN without GO SUB
Kahuna : :-D
Gordon : You're really LETting me down now X-(
Kahuna : 0 - OK
Kahuna : :-D
Gordon : :=))
Kahuna : Heh heh heh
Kahuna : Have you revised my CF?
Gordon : (c) 1982 Sinclair Research
Gordon : Indeed X-(
Kahuna : M - RAMTOP no good :-D
Kahuna : Would be the correct response to that
         question :-))

[After a considerable pause]

Kahuna : Are you looking for the processor
         reference manual? :-p
Gordon : Er no X-(
Kahuna : That H - STOP in INPUT was beginning
         to worry me...

Clowns wishing to fiddle around with a Spectrum are advised to download a suitable emulator for their platform of choice from the World of Spectrum. ZX-32 by Vaggelis Kapartzianis is highly recommended for the Windows platform.

Twenty years from now, it may well be possible to emulate Microsoft Windows [signs to avert evil] on whatever form of machine that happens to exist. Why anyone would want to do that of course boggles the mind.

Incidentally, Cambridge in the summer is NB. Kahuna recalls the summer of '99. Those were the days...

[1] PC version available here.
[2] Gordon surreptitiously introduces an invalid keyword into the proceedings.

Kahuna Refutes Allegations

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- In a rebuttal issued a short while ago, Kahuna denied He had any interest in a role in Driving Miss Daisy, and charged that Professor Gordon had a bone to pick with the production as he was barred from the set, given his dubious mechanical aptitude, poor knowledge of physics and the priceless vintage automobiles present. Kahuna added that “Beresford got tired of telling Gordon that he didn’t want any cars exploding. It simply wasn’t that kind of movie. I think [Gordon is] still pretty sore about that.”

Kahuna scoffed at the idea of the Gordon movies being docudramas, serious or otherwise, saying “It would be more of an action-comedy along the lines of Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. There’s lots of room for pyrotechnics and Gordon can do his own stunts. Of course, we’ll be watching from the next county.” Controversial director St Vandoofus said he had decided to shoot the opening scene of Raiders at 34th Street-Penn Station to appropriate music by Simon and Garfunkel.

When questioned about allegations of an illicit brewery operation, Kahuna made clear that Gordon’s allegations were not new and dealt with adequately in a previous press release. ClownWorks TKG, He said was partly funded by His global business interests.

This is a developing story and KNN will continue to provide highly-biased coverage.

Gordon Issues Press Release

PERADENIYA, Sri-Lanka -- In a rare and late-breaking press release issued from his hill-country retreat, Professor Gordon revealed that "Kahuna"'s venture into movie-making follows his long-standing disappointment with being unable to secure the main role of Hoke Colburn in Bruce Beresford's Pulitzer-prize winning "Driving Miss Daisy" for lack of basic skills related to the role. It is rumored however that "Kahuna" was offered the role of Miss Daisy which he promptly turned down.

Gordon expressed some level of discomfort in the film consortium's choice of director, claiming St.Vandoofus was better known for his amateur pornographic flicks than serious docu-dramas. He was nontheless prepared to give Vandoofus a fair chance and would consider his performance in "Raiders of the Lost Gearbox" as a deciding factor in who would direct the remaining two movies of the trilogy.

Gordon revealed that ClownWorks TKG will initially be funded by "Kahuna"'s covert hooch operation which is doing remarkably well, especially during the past few weeks.

Prof.Gordon also stated that he was not too sure if he should be flattered or worried about "Kahuna"'s preoccupation with publishing articles related to his activities.

ClownWorks Announces Gordon Movie Trilogy

HOLLYWOOD, California Republic -- In eagerly anticipated news, entertainment giant ClownWorks TKG^[1] announced late Friday that after much internal wrangling a multi-million dollar deal had been inked to produce a movie trilogy depicting the adventures of renegade climatologist and porcupine expert, Professor Gordon. ClownWorks sources refused to divulge the exact value of the deal, but indicated that rival studio Bart-Warner had been thrust into oblivion with a well-placed impetus to the collective posterior.

The first movie of the trilogy, Raiders of the Lost Gearbox recounts Gordon’s secret expedition to recover the transmission and drivetrain of the legendary dandu monara—the flying machine reputedly used by one Ravana for nefarious purposes during a bygone age. Although, most aeronautical engineers believe that Gordon has got his propellers in a twist, the outcome of the quest is still shrouded in mystery.

The second episode, Ebenezer Gordon and the Carburetor of Doom, explores the arch-mechanic’s Cuban years as Chief Scientist and in particular the explosive government-sponsored research program to fabricate a working Chevy carburetor. Although, Gordon blew up many vintage automobiles, the project was ultimately a failure and led to widespread speculation in the bauxite futures market. Nevertheless, Cuban leader Fidel Castro Ruz is considered likely to put in a cameo appearance in the movie.

The plotline of the last episode, Ebenezer Gordon and the Last Porcupine remains under wraps, but the role of the Vice Chancellor’s gardener is expected to be prominent. Industry insiders also believe this episode will feature the rousing Porcupine Overture from Un Puerco Espín en Amor^[2], composed by Gordon and performed by the Ganemulla Philharmonic Orchestra.

In a brief statement to the media, Kahuna expressed His belief that the Gordon trilogy would be a certain win at the box office adding that renowned moviemaker St Vandoofus had been hired as director. Professor Gordon was unavailable for comment, having absconded to the hills for regulatory reasons.

This is a developing story and KNN will provide live coverage.

[1] Teddybear-Kahuna-Gordon.
[2] A Porcupine in Love.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 3

I can’t believe I’m not in the “Quotable Quotes” [sic].

- St Vandoofus, expressing displeasure (and a quote) at not being included in the last edition of the “Unquotable Quotes.”

I put it in the wrong place.

- The Teddybear, on the anatomy of a botched HTML tag.

Those who can, blog. Those who can’t, comment. Those who can’t comment, yawn.

- Kahuna, explaining the modus operandi of the Jester.

I can borrow the host’s cutlery for some impromptu neurosurgery if necessary.

- Kahuna, in discussions with the Teddybear on the proposed fate of the Jester.

New Year Ushered in Amidst Steaming Dairy Products

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Yet another year has been ushered in according to yet another calendar with the usual boiling and spill over of dairy products together with the fabrication of rice mixed with the said dairy products.

Notably this year, that culinary mastermind Chef Pubilis was seen constructing an instance of milk rice at the national level (jaathika-mattame kiribatha) under the auspices of media, law-enforcement and military types. This, however, appears to have been a piece of cake after setting a Guinness World Record by constructing the largest and longest milk rice on an earlier occasion.

Kahuna will now retire to digest breakfast, and wishes to remind clowns that Beltaine will be celebrated on the 1^st of May, to recognize the traditional beginning of summer in Éire.

St Vandoofus's Holy Memory Leak Hypothesis

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Senior Clown St Vandoofus has discovered the leading cause of memory leaks in software, as revealed by the following discussion that took place a few days ago:

Vandoofus : Slap()
Kahuna    : Kick()
Vandoofus : You know what programs often have memory
            leaks?
Kahuna    : Hmmmm...
Vandoofus : It’s when you don’t close parenthesis
Vandoofus : The variables fall off
Kahuna    : #@!$#@!@ X-(+++
Vandoofus : Hehe
Kahuna    : That's the most absurd thing I've heard
            today
Vandoofus : Hihihi
Vandoofus : Cause I almost did slap(0
Vandoofus : Then 0 would have leaked out
Kahuna    : X-(
Kahuna    : I'm going to blog this X-(
Vandoofus : :-S
Vandoofus : Finally make it to quotable quotes?
Kahuna    : Yeah X-(
Vandoofus : Yey
Vandoofus : :-D
Kahuna    : You’re a large clown

If this is true, Microsoft compilers don't seem to be of any use even at syntax checking. Microsoft Evangelist, Professor Gordon was unavailable for comment.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 2

I forgot it was the Jester...

- The Monster in his own defense, on being accused of high treason by spilling trade secrets to the Jester during a casual conversation.

BTBOTP! A mouse just scampered across the room!

- Professor Gordon, upon witnessing further bogosity at the Galadari Hotel on 7th April.

Was Camilla wearing a porcupine?

- Professor Gordon, in his official capacity as Head of the prestigious Porcupine Institute of Ganemulla, querying the pointy headgear worn by the Duchess of Cornwall at her wedding.

Be warned that I have washed the car [GITT MkII]!

- Professor Gordon issuing a weather advisory, expounding direct correlation between the act of washing GITT and afternoon or evening thundershowers.

Kahuna Announces Eclipse

SUN CITY, California Republic -- In a press release issued a short time ago, Kahuna announced that a hybrid solar eclipse has been scheduled over the Pacific Ocean and parts of Central America later today, 8th April 2005. The event will commence as an annular eclipse at 18:54 UTC and develop into a total eclipse in 24 minutes. This phase will last 84 minutes before reverting to an annular eclipse for another 33 minutes. The central path of the eclipse is expected to extend 12,941 km over the Earth’s surface with the totality being 27 km at its widest point [Animation].

Kahuna calculated the velocity of the umbral cone to exceed Mach 3 at sea level, adding that at least an SR-71 Blackbird would be required to keep up with the eclipse. Each Pratt & Whitney J58 continuous-bleed afterburning engine of the aircraft would produce 145 kN of thrust, operating as a turbojet at low speed and as a ramjet at high speed. Kahuna declared the engine design to be highly disturbing and cautioned that arch-climatologist Professor Gordon may attempt to steal one for personal use. Gordon was unavailable for comment.

Clowns planning on eclipse-chasing with a Blackbird are advised to first read the SR-71 Flight Manual. Kahuna advises extreme caution in perusing this document as the cognitive equivalent of a kernel panic is most likely in lesser mortals.

We now return you to regularly scheduled Jester bashing.

He's Alive

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- This just in on BNN. He's alive !!!! He's alive !!!! Huggles is alive !!!! Da Bear has laid a mighty cuddle on Huggles ... er ... huggle on Cuddles ... hmmm ... the Da Bear cuddles huggled ... psssst, turn on the weather ...

And now for the weather with Cuddled Huggles ... which will be followed straight after by a continuation of Jester bashing.

Subliminal message: Please visit www.thejesterisatwat.co.uk for streaming video of Jester bashing and pathalogical yawning.

Jester Bashing

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Once again the Circus finds itself in familiar territory with bickering among its members along with a healthy dose of Jester bashing as the main topic of conversation. The Jester, a dropout from the financially unstable Clown School, is noted to be suffering from chronic insomnia and has been seen yawning continuously for entire blog posts.

The word on the street is that Clown Eshan has come to the defense of the Jester by attempting to divert attention elsewhere and commenting on how the Circus should not entertain poetry and karaoke. When approached for comment Kahuna(Big) turned up his nose and said 'Definition is beyond the Circus and the Circus is beyond definition'. (We shall leave it up to you, our loyal readers to make sense out of that one).

When approached again for clarification on his cryptic words, Kahuna(Big) was quoted as saying, 'I will not get involved. I am serious. I will not get involved'. But it is rumored that there has been an open invitation issued by the Circus to indulge in all forms of Jester bashing for an unspecified time period.

That is all from us here in Colombo. We will keep you updated if this story develops. Thank you for your time.

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Karol Józef Wojtyła, May 18, 1920 - April 2, 2005. Requiescat in pace.

Dedication

STUDIO CITY, California Republic -- Tonight’s dedication from everyone here at the Circus, goes out to the Jester: “If I Only had a Brain,” with apologies to the Wizard of Oz.

New Hit Single

BRIGHTON, United Kingdom -- This just in as headlines on BNN. Da Bear debuting straight at number one on the Popclown Charts with his brand new Broadway hit "Uranus was once TheJester". Here are a few lines from the single, the complete song can be downloaded via www.TheJesterisatwat.co.uk/prick.

Graduate to the Dark Side of the Moon
TheJester shall, whoever this pathetic soul may be.
A natured nutter his profile may state,
But a sad M****r F****r be his ultimate fate.

by Da Bear with apologies to no one in particular.

And now for the weather by Twister Lopez ...

The Death of the Jester

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- Oh I say! My dear Jester, I do believe you just signed your own death warrant with that last ill-advised comment of yours. Capital, old chap. I was just in the mood for a good mauling. Poetic justice, what? I believe you will find the Teddybear to be anything but cuddly.

It is at momentous times such as these that I must echo with deep reverence, the thoughts of the late Julius Robert Oppenheimer after witnessing Trinity:

We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." I suppose we all thought that one way or another.

I guess, you won’t get to graduate from Clown School after all. So long, and thanks for all the comments.